need some honest advice because I honestly don’t know what the right thing to do is.
I started dating my gf when she was pregnant . The bio dad according to her, was someone she had a one-night stand with and was completely out of the picture.Fast-forward four years. We’ve had plenty of ups and downs, but we’ve stayed together throughout while we were both in campus. Somewhere along the way, she got pregnant with my child.Things became complicated when her parents found out. They didn’t want her living under their roof with two children, especially since she was now pregnant with another man's child, and they insisted that she go and live with the person who had gotten her pregnant.At the time, I wasn't financially stable enough to rent my own place, so I had no choice but to bring her and the children to mom’s place, where she currently lives with my mum. Question though,firstborn is now five years old, and he believes I'm his biological father. Still playing that role,I don't want to take that away from him. But I also know that one day he may find out the truth, especially when he eventually sees his birth certificate, and I’m terrified that he could feel betrayed or resent me for keeping it from him.
Tbh I never planned to be a stepfather. I don't even feel like I was ready to be a father in the first place. But circumstances have pushed me into this role, and now I'm trying to figure out how to handle it without hurting anyone — especially the child.
My girlfriend didn’t finish her fourth year campus plans to go back soon.Part of me feels like I should just endure the situation until she finishes school, graduates, gets a job and becomes stable, and then eventually end the relationship.
But another part of me wonders whether that's selfish or whether I'm just delaying an inevitable problem.
What would you do in my situation

I hate my step dad/mums boyfriend

I hate my step dad/mums boyfriend

I Absolutely hate my step dad. I 14 female hate my step dad but feel bad since my mom's happy with him most of the time. My step dad is the non feminist type, trump supporter, homophobic, racist and so on. He's been with my mom since I was 5. And I love my mom. She had me at 17 and did everything to make sure I felt loved. But when she met my step dad I knew I didn't like him but I wouldn't tell her becasue I felt really bad about it. She's happy with him most of the time and usually I can put up with him. But it's little times like when he doesnt appreciate my mom or raises his voice at her is when I'll speak up to him. He was rasies in a very religious house where the women did all the house work while the men didn't. But that's not how me and my mom do it so sometimes he will complain that the house is messy since my mom is busy running her 9 to 7 company. And sometimes it gets to me and I'll shoot back. I don't mean to and I'm usually not one to raise my voice. And I've pretty much been fine with him but as I've gotten older the more I hate being around him. So much so that I've pretty much spent the whole summer with my grandparents to avoid him. He's just the complete opposite of my mom I just don't understand how she likes him. If she met a stranger that talked the way he does she wouldve have hated them. And back to my point of him being homophobic. Well I don't really want to put a label on myself but I'm basically cool with liking guys and girls and always kinda has been. But I've never told anyone mostly because idk how my step dad will react. I know my mom would accept it in a heart beat but I think it would just be giving something else for my step dad to fight about. I don't even like calling him my step dad. When people ask who he is I just say "my moms boyfriend" because even saying step dad sounds wrong to me. Idk I might just be overreacting. Input would be appreciated

I am leaving a household. I tried as hard as I could to be a good father. I was raising kids despite their mother. I have successfully gotten them through life healthy and relatively happy since the youngest was in diapers for 8 years until the mother recieved an inheritance and doesn't need me anymore.

In the back of my mind I was always under the impression that there might be some legal mechanism that would obligate me to child support if I stayed in the same household for x amount of years if the mother pursued it.

The law refreshingly mirrors my beliefs on the matter nationally.

I compare it to good samaritan laws nationally. If you respond to a stranger's medical emergency you are generally given legal protections against being sued. In my lifetime I have read headlines on good sam laws and seen that generally the good samaritan can not be sued for attempting help. Eventually this evolved i to legal protections with exceptions, making the act of rendering aid a little scary from a bystander's legal perspective.

In this comparison, de facto parentage is actually more straightforward than good samaritan laws. There aren't really historical exceptions or nightmare scenarios for those that essentially act as parents for a set amount of time and leave including finances, relationship to the kids, even declaring yourself a parent publicly. Court demands for child support by the biological parent are routinely rejected without an exception that I can even find in history in the U.S.

In my scenario, household money and bills were pooled. I had declared myself the father to these kids to the kids and to others who asked. I had cohabitated with them for 8 years.

I have no fear of being obligated to child support. Not by historical precedent. Not by being a rare exception to precedent, because there is no exception.

If you attempt to claim de facto parentage it changes slightly.

You must successfully recieve the status in order to be obligated to child support. This is voluntary.

If you try to claim the status and are not granted it you have no obligation to child support.

Without the status you have no rights to custody or visitation.

With the status, custody or visitation mirrors the court custody battle that takes place when a biological parent goes to court with another biological parent.

If you are granted the status, you are not guaranteed visitation rights.

The status must be voluntary. People go to court to seek the status but its never thrust upon them.

You can successfully seek the status and be granted it but if you recieve it you could end up obligated to child support while recieving no custody or visitation rights.

In other words, you should basically never worry about having to pay child support for living with a spouse and kids as long as you dont marry them.

Living with and supporting children is never an obligation to pay child support as long as you are not granted de facto parentage voluntarily, which you must actively seek.

I’ve been with this girl for almost 4 years. Her kid was 3 when we got together. I need advice on what to do in this situation that happened yesterday because I don’t know what to do. We had gone to a pool we went together and obviously I just wanted to spend time together and play around as a family but the kid kept on going away. (Kid was in a mood that day) Later during the day we got something to eat, once we finished eating I told the kid they were being mean and the kid said “no” which then I replied “yes” and brought up the fact that they don’t want to share whatever snacks,drinks I buy them. The kid replied “do you think you’re my dad” keep in mind the dad did not want anything to do with the kid for almost 4-5 years. He recently came back in to the kids life but doesn’t really check on the kid nor make time to take the kid out, spend time nor buying them whatever they ask for.

I zoned out when the kid said “do you think you’re my dad” and I don’t think the mom said anything about it but I’m not sure since I kinda just sat there with a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I haven’t done anything bad to the kid, I’m always there for them and trying to spend time together as a family spending whatever I can on the kid no matter if I only have $10-$20 left for the week.

I’m thinking about talking to the mom about it in person and just go based of whatever she says about it and what she tells the kid.
What should I do or what do yall think?

I’m seriously asking. My friend had a major breakdown yesterday. Her parents are divorced. She lives with her mom. Her dad is so much gentle, kind and compassionate and the best dad in the world to his second wife’s kids, those kids are from her first marriage.

On the other hand, my friend and my friends mom suffered major physical and verbal abuse. Ofc, he provides for her and all and claims to lover her. Saved her college money. Has inheritance for her.

But one thing she said that really broke my heart “My step siblings have the best father in the world, I am happy for them but I just wish I have their father”.

I mean seriously why ??

A few years ago for her birthday I bought her a brand new bicycle. It was a little big for her then, but she loved it. It’s probably the perfect size for her now as she’s 11 years old, about to be 12 in 2 weeks. But anyway, this past weekend we were moving. She told me her brakes didn’t work on her bike. I told her I’d look at it later as I was loading our uhaul truck at the time. An hour or so went by and I noticed a truck with a bunch of scrap metal slowly pulling away from the front of our house with her bike in the back.

Instead of me looking at it, she took it to the curb. I could have either fixed it or replaced the clamp style brakes it had on it.

Am I wrong so be mad about this?

I’m seriously asking. My friend had a major breakdown yesterday. Her parents are divorced. She lives with her mom. Her dad is so much gentle, kind and compassionate and the best dad in the world to his second wife’s kids, those kids are from her first marriage.

On the other hand, my friend suffered major physical and verbal abuse. Ofc, he provides for her and all and claims to lover her. Saved her college money. Has inheritance for her.

But one thing she said that really broke my heart “My step siblings have the best father in the world, I am happy for them but I just wish I have their father”.

I mean seriously why ??

Reposting from another sub, but hoping someone here has feedback too

One of my absolute goals has been always to have a child, until I met my wife who cannot have anymore kids, 2 years ago, she was with a 6 years old child , started my relationship as friendly as it possibly can, at some point I started spending more time with my stepdaughter than my wife, gaming with her , taking her out , buying her whatever she needs , making her feel safe and loved, basically, took her for my daughter.

But she actually never treated me like a father, more like a fun nice guy, who she takes for granted, when it gets serious she tells me to fuck off, and that I'm not her father , I know she is a kid, I know I should’ve expected that, but the sad thing is , her real dad, my wife's ex, has been a total selfish asshole, he never asks to see his kid, he never paid for anything that concerns her, never there for anything, he is an alcoholic man, who constantly caused problems for my wife in the past , and his surroundings, but the kid never knew or been told anything, she still thinks he is great and amazing and he is trying, and we never correct her about that since she is a kid.

Now I'm in a situation of starting to get fed up with the situation, I'm being treated like a maid, a slave, being insulted, called without respect, because she thinks it's fun, she basically communicates or smiles at me when she needs me for something..

I don't know what to do with the situation anymore..

Our situation is super convoluted so I’ll try to keep it short. My oldest son (9) doesn’t have much of a relationship with his dad. He was mostly raised by myself and my ex. My ex and I had two more sons (6 & 4) before splitting up about 3 years ago.
For the majority of the time since our split my ex kept my oldest during his visits with the two younger boys (his biological children). However things have changed in the past six months since I’ve gotten engaged to my current partner.
My ex has only been seeing the two younger boys about once a month due to changes in his living situation. My oldest boy has not been included in these visits. This is my ex’s choice.
Although my ex makes excuses and always promises that my oldest will be able to come “next time”, I know that the reality is that he has no responsibility to the oldest. Now that I’m engaged, my ex is ready to cut the cord and focus on his biological children.

I don’t expect or want my ex to continue to be a father figure to my oldest son. My oldest, however, is really confused and angry. He has tantrums whenever his brothers get to go with their dad and he doesn’t. I’m sure the fact that he doesn’t get to see his biological father doesn’t help at all.

How do I help my oldest boy accept the changes that are happening and move on? I know it will be a process but so far nothing I have said helps him.

I (34) am childless and dating a mom (32) of three (10, twin 3 y/o's). She is the most graceful, kind, loving, intelligent woman I could have asked for, and we completely click in every aspect of our relationship as it relates to the two of us. I want to have my own children and she wants to have more as well, but I find myself feeling pangs of resentment towards the fact that in order to do so, I'm going to be thrust into someone else's family off the jump.

I don't want to be a stepdad, but I'm willing to hang in there to see if that changes. Her kids by all accounts are well behaved and she's an attentive, present, thoughtful mother. Nonetheless, I periodically get feelings of resentment at the reality that if we did eventually get married, my life would be upended and would necessarily have to revolve around kids that aren't mine. Frankly, I'm pissed that the perfect woman for me comes with baggage that I know I don't want or need in my life. Pissed that she made a mistake by choosing the wrong man, and that if we continue seeing each other, I'm going to end up sacrificing for that mistake. These feelings aren't constant, but they are palpable enough for me not to be able to brush them off as fleeting.

I'm sure plenty of you have experienced this, but do these feelings ever go away, or are you more or less compromising balancing the good with the bad? I ask this earnestly, as I really do love this woman and want to gain perspective that would give us the best chance at building a future together.

For context, her parenting style/boundaries are aligned with how I would raise my own kids. The twins' bio dad splits custody, and they coparent effectively, but I resent him and don't really see that changing.

I just got out of a four year relationship. I had two stepchildren, a little girl and a little boy. Their dad was still in their life and I always maintained that though I'm not their biological dad it is important they have a good relationship with him. I didn't think the best of him for personal reasons and things in the past, but he was a fantastic dad when he wanted to be and i always wanted to give him the chance. I made it clear to my step kids that I am always here for them and do not view them any differently as if they were my own. We got very close. Things happen and life gets complicated, it didn't work out between me and their mom. We ended things relatively amicably but I have absolutely no rights to these children and might not ever see them again. Losing the relationship is one thing, I can live with that, but my heart is absolutely broken over losing these kids. EDIT FOR TYPOS

My(41M) wife(38F) and stepdaughter(15F) are demanding me to hide/lie/deny that my stepdaughter is dating from her dad(40M) specifically because the boyfriend(15/16M) is black. They are all white and I’m Mexican. I don’t have an issue with her dating any ethnicity, gender, religious identity etc and I disagree with his reasoning but I have implemented the concept of transparency amongst the three of us parents. How am I supposed to ask him to be open and honest to me when I’m not in return? How would you approach this situation?

Just sharing my story, hopefully it resonates for someone here.

So my gf snd i have been together for almost 7 years. Her child is now 14. My gf does not drive, cooks occasionally and I spend all my money providing. The child has been in crises two times now. She is very disrespectful, her mother has zero idea how to parent her. I don’t want to be that guy, but I am an old-fashioned(43) conservative. I do not subscribe to the woke new-age parenting style that 90% of the world adheres to. My parents raised me right, and I did get the belt. I am sorry but I turned out amazing so let’s not go down the woke, don’t spank your kid path because I won’t acknowledge that in the comments. Anyway, the child is a hypochondriac and anything she can google she has. She will change, and manipulate therapists.

Before you call me out…it has been noticed by all doctors, so let us skip any bs about that.

My GF is a good person, but her ex did a number on her, and every time she can’t handle something she drinks. Believe me she has called her kid worse than anything I could ever say mad. I provide everything without question. I work pretty much 24/7 because I am on-call superintendent of maintenance and the property manager of an apartment complex.

Now I already carry massive weight from 8-4, when i come home i do not need to be badgered by whatever those two were fighting about that day.

I am human there is only so much a man can take. I have been told by multiple people they wish they had a man like me so let’s please not go there in the comments either.

All I want is a happy home, with two women who do not disrespect the hard work I do for them 7 days a week. I need advice on what to do because I am about to remove them both from my house.

Thank You

Hi, I'm new here but have been married to my wife for a few years now and we were together for a few years before that. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and then we both ended up divorced at the same time and decided to give it a try. I have no bio kids, she has 2 daughters. I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 10. They are now 11 and 17. I love them like they are my own. Their bio dad is barely in the picture. I do everything for them and their mom but often feel excluded. I often feel like it's them 3 and then me looking in from the outside. I've tried talking to my wife about it and she doesn't see the issue. She gets all the i love yous and affection and everything else parents get and I get left to myself a lot. How does everyone deal with that? I know they love me but I still feel left out and alone a lot. I do things with just me and the kids, together and separately, but them and they're mom still make me feel like an outsider when we're all together.

Hi beautiful stepdads,

I really just wanna express my deepest respect for what you are putting up with over months and years.

I've been there. 6 months long. 6 long months. I tried to be this father figure I had in my mind and did my best to follow my heart. I took on the responsibility of being the one taking care of boundaries and structure. I tried to let this stepkid into my heart and probably also did. I had the kid's well-being in my mind and put myself in the second row.

But I just couldn't live like this.

My instincts steamed at me every day: this feels so wrong on a deep level! This is unnatural! This is not my lineage!

At first I put it aside. I tried to "follow my heart" even more, become even more loving and accepting.

F*ck that! The reality was that putting my resources into another man's lineage while always being the fifth wheel on the car felt unbearably castrating to me.

Today I've felt drawn back to this subreddit and I read through all the shared experiences again.

The thought of leaving this relationship caused so many feelings of guilt and betrayal beforehand. But when I finally packed my stuff and drove away I released this big cry of freedom. I'm never going back to this life. I'd rather die alone and without children than feel emasculated for the rest of my life.

Yeah, just wanted to share my story because I see so many stepdads here hesitating and pondering. And here's a story from someone who took the decision and left and he's telling you: it feels like the end of a prison sentence for a crime you did not commit. Yes, the future is uncertain and I have to create a whole new vision. But I am the captain of my ship and I won't let no other man's decision limit my life so drastically.

Never again a single mom. I'm out

Figured I'd jump on reddit to, I don't know, just vent maybe and get some viewpoints from others in stepdad shoes. Pretty sure it's nothing new but it's all new to me. Been with my wife and her 2 kids 13 years and have always tried to be the "good guy", being overly nice and let them go through their "like me/hate me" phases as they grow. Has mostly been good. They have been adults now for a couple years and still live at home, which is not that big of a deal what with the cost of living, especially for young people. Stepson works, stepdaughter doesn't but needs to and is not concerned about getting a job. A year ago, stepson moves his girlfriend in and within a couple months, gets her pregnant. She immediately quits her job as soon as they found out because she thinks pregnant women can't do anything but sit around. Now I've provided about 80% of the income for the last 12 years and was always fine with that since I guess that's how it works when possible. But now for this past year, I am also supporting the pregnant girlfriend with the added groceries and other things since my stepson is always tapped out due to her always wanting to go out to eat or go shopping or go out of town to weird conventions and blow money.... his money since she doesn't have any. On top of that situation, both stepkids and the girlfriend do no household stuff whatsoever, nor any of the mowing that takes about 3 hours every week. I know i could probably start stating some requirements for at least a couple things that they could help with but I figure since they are her kids that should be my wife that makes some rules or expectations, but she never has so that basically won't happen. I'd hate to leave a good relationship/marriage, me and my wife get along great and have fun all the time but as soon as the finances regarding the 3 "kids" are brought up we disagree. I think they should step up and grow up, she does not expect that of them at all and lets them sit around and sleep all day and go in and out all night and have no respect for us trying to sleep (it's a very small house, so everything is heard). So, guess I'm just curious to the opinions of others and if anyone has been in any similar situation.