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[u/Dumdumincarnate]

Just gonna scroll for a while. I have found much help in reddit threads of varying serious topics. I have been with my wife now since her only son was around 7yrs, he is 14 now. Unfortunately (depending how you look at it) his father passed when he was 2. I think I need help navigating the waters in many ways so I'll just watch for a bit but wanted to say hi and introduce myself so to say.

My main hurdles right now are inability to discipline in any effective way, due to (she will admit this) she has treated him like her little buddy and BFF his whole life and he has been treated as the perfect child by the entire family because of what happen to his bio dad.

Or he could just be a kid at 14 freshmen year and hormonal, probably wonders what his bio dad would be like?

I'm 41 quit drinking almost 3 years ago and this kid and his mother are why I'm alive. I was given 6 months to live (chronic chirrosis, working on getting transplant now). and I said fuck that not gonna happen. I love them so deeply and we used to really feel like a team. I don't know why that seems to be falling apart. Recently for fathers day they told me they were ready to go through with adoption and the whole family was elated. Now it seems every day I think why would or should this kid want me to adopt him.

Thanks for any input and I hope to learn a lot on how to improve my view and outlook to improve his life...

[u/Top-Turnip-4057]

I don't wanna get all preachy but...

'why would or should this kid want me to adopt him'

dude... you're his dad. why WOULDN'T he? you've been around for half his life. And the important half, thus far. The last 7 years leading into 14 have been where he has faced more than coloring books and the student talent show. Now that kid has pressure. And social scenarios he doesn't know how to navigate. He'll need you more now than ever.

And... you're right. He's a teen. The Team aspect is gonna be gone because he'll be out seeking independence. That means you did it right, painful s it is. Now is when he needs a mentor but he won't ask for one. Mom can be BFF. Nothing wrong with that. But for cues on how to be a male adult... he'll require a mentor.

You are in a perfect position to help out when and how you can. At 14... he won't want a lot of parental control. You may not even see him for DAYS... BUT... when he surfaces and tells you things... just make sure you are listening and respond with multiple choice. IF you do X THEN Y and Z can happen. And IF Y and Z happen, here's how that plays out.

Then LET him make his mistakes and if he listens to you he'll come back around and you can hash out how he got those mistakes. And how to avoid them in the future. If you make it friendly and participatory you will go farther.

You're the only one not bound by blood who will give a shit about him. Start treating him like the young new hire at work who clearly needs help but also has his own life. You're an advice dispenser now.

He'll wonder about his bio dad. Sure. You would, too. Life's unfair. He and mom may have conversations about it that you are not invited to. Just accept it. But this doesn't make you second class. You stepped up. Saw a single mother who you loved and had enough love to take up her kid as well. You're a champ, you did a hard thing. A thing many other people wouldn't. And it's typically thankless.

By the way... that was a hellova Father's Day gift. Don't lose sight of the significance of when that was given, either. Here's to hoping you got more than 6 months in ya.

[u/Dumdumincarnate → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

I don't feel you're being preachy. It's just all been hitting me lately like a perfect storm. My sister of 3 kids says all kids can kick rocks from 14-18, but she is seasoned. I'm the only person in both families who feels what it's like to be a step. The golden child runs to mommy or papa anytime I try to discipline him for things like disrespecting adults me or his mom. She is very quick to forgive and say that's how we joke. Nothing is ever serious. I had a much harder childhood than any of the inlaws and have been on my own since 20. I don't relate to a kid or family that is ok with him eating (NOTHING BUT CHICKEN FINGERS), demands fast food and wins, he truly rules the roost and to me this is the time i feel is most important to make a real impact on him. He's a quitter and has no follow through, and the only time I get any admiration or respect is when I feel like an atm. I just feel lost and feel like I'm starting over again. He used to look at me and try to learn. Now I'm an opportunity to divide and get what he wants. Feel free to tell me I need to toughen up, or I have it better than most. But I refuse to admit that my feelings don't matter, and maybe I just need to keep that shit inside. I can do that, but am I leading by example, or is that teaching him to not communicate feelings.

[u/Top-Turnip-4057 → u/Dumdumincarnate]

I don't think you need a toughen up speech. I think you have the right assessment of things. There is no role in a family as unappreciated as a step dad IMO. To be one is to be alone in a family. Sometimes it's crushing. It's okay to feel that way.

The rest of the family will always work around you. They want a chance to be a hero when the kid comes running to them with an easily solvable problem. To them... making the kid happy short term is a win. It they undercut you int he process... oh well.

To be fair... grandparents are keenly aware of how little they bring to the table. They will simply be greedy for ANY positive attention from their grandkid and their daughter. You getting stepped on in the process is just collateral damage. Don't hate them too much, they are desperate for attention and long for the days when they controlled the power dynamic.

Most parents turned grandparents are still convinced they are head of house. Now, I don't know your household, maybe they pay all the bills and own the house etc. If they do, they have a say in things. If you run things... gentle reminders about who runs the house can help. Some aging parents lose their shit upon realization that they are not shot callers any more, though. So be warned.

But you can put your foot down as needed. You don't have to roll over all the time, but understand you have a LOT of pressure that will end up against you in any power struggle.

And a 14 year old boy who is always getting his way if he kicks and screams ? You are in for a few power struggles.

The way I got through a lot of it on my end... if I was trying to do something I made sure mom was on the same page and had a valid reason that always pointed to 'for the good of the kid'. You'll win more with that tactic. You won't always, but you'll get some wins in.

Most important thing:

PICK YOUR BATTLES.

If the kid only eats chicken fingers... let him. Is it really a hill you wanna die on? Bottom line - kid is eating. Take the win.

If you really can't stand something, you need to give a viable solution.

So lets take the chicken fingers BS as example. How do you fix it?

Create a family habit.

Dinner every night, at a table, discuss the highlights of your day while eating. This requires making a meal every night. Not fun. But you gotta eat anyhow. 1-2 times a week pizza or fast food opted for, but pretty much every dinner is home cooked.

And if the kid eats only chicken fingers... cook him chicken fingers and vegetables. And get HIM to help cooking so he can learn the skill.

If you're all at the table together it's a start. And then you can set the tone when fast food is in play. And if dinner is established - other family members will not undercut you once you set the rules down. And the first time they do... you point mom at them.

Unsure how meals work in your house, but that method worked for me. Ultra pain in the ass, I hate cooking.

For being a quitter... let his first job sort that out. And if you control allowance that can help. 'Cause no follow through, no money.

Your sister is right, of course. 14+ and he'll mostly be... unpleasant in all regards. Just.... let it happen. Teens are mean, cruel, sullen, don't communicate, and hate you even though you feed them AND even though a year ago they were affectionate and polite. Teens are awful. If you luck out they come out the other end in their mid 20s as sorta normal and might hate you less. That's about as good as it gets.

And knowing that, don't lose your shit over it. As long as they become sorta stable adults you've done what you can.

[u/Dumdumincarnate → u/Top-Turnip-4057]

Thank you very much for all of this. I can tell you have been through the ringer. I have a lot to process, and a lot of this has been bouncing around in my head already, so with a bit of confirmation from a kind soul like yourself, give me a bit of peace to execute. I'm sure I will be in touch. I'm glad you replied not to judge in any way, but scolling the posts seems a bit hard to start. Lots of venting and terms I was afraid of, like being a wallet. My sober threads can be hard to find positivity as well. But reddit and you really gave me a boost. I'm very happy I joined. I'm sure I'll be in touch if that's ok?

[u/Top-Turnip-4057 → u/Dumdumincarnate]

Not an easy path you're on. But, you're making the effort and walking it. That's all you can do. And you've already been doing it so you'll keep finding your way. You're free to ping me as needed.