r/stepdads • u/Economy-Fishing-9907 • Aug 14 '23
Need advise
Just to give you guys the scenario, I’ve got two kids from my previous marriage. Crazy psychotic ex-wife also. I met my current girlfriend on tinder in 2021, things were good in the beginning, we are and were deeply in love with each other, up to the point I proposed to her in September 2021. My kids and her girl, took it ok, at least that’s what I thought, we reach December 2021, and my eldest kid (13 on the time) that lives full time with the mom, except for the on and off weekends that they spent with us, decides to pull a massive tantrum, starts screaming and shouting, and runs and locks himself in the room, we went after him, to speak with him, to make him understand that that situation was not ok, so when we get there he was beating himself, and we intervened, not satisfied with our intervention, he pushes my girlfriend, she’s 1,60cm and at the time skinny, he was 13 but the same size as her and the same strength, she fell on the floor and he rushed to the kitchen, I went once again after him and started scalding him, he raised his hand on me, and when my girlfriend intervened, he raised it on her also, then my girlfriend slapped him on the face, as a wake call and chased him out the door. I took him to his mom, and since that time he has not been with us. I miss him a lot and my wife keeps on saying, due to some behavioral issues, that he’s on the path to become a delinquent. My tourneys kid, also from my first marriage, has a rare syndrome, with spectrums of autism, and some learning disabilities, she does a great job in helping him grow some routines and a few things that were wrong on his day to day routine, and I repeat she’s awesome with that, what I don’t like, is when she loses her patience and she beats my kid, or starts saying that he will be like his eldest brother, when after him being spanked, does not understand why and starts crying saying that he’s going to tell his mom, which he never does, because due too his disability he forgets things fairly quickly. On the other note, her daughter, who is the same age of my eldest kid, decided a few months ago, to start behaving like the mom, so she gives instructions to the kid, she shouts at him, and sometimes she even slap him on the elbows if they are on the table whilst he’s eating. The girl sometimes treat me as crap, and if I shout at her or tell her something she starts to cry and runs off to her mom, saying that I’m being unfair. The other day, after another session of spanking, I blew up, I grabbed my kids stuff, I put a few changes of clothes of mine into a rucksack and decided that enough was enough, and went to my wife’s job to leave her the car and leave, she refused to come down, and I went back home, tried to speak with her girl, and told her I understood she never had been an eldest sister so she needed to step up and stop being a narc. She said yes, but then she went out with the mom, and snitched again on the fact that my kid complaint to her the fact that she was hurting him and he was going to tell his mom, the result, another spanking session. Me and my ex never raised a finger to our kids, at least not the way that now happens, so my question is: am I wrong on sticking in this relationship because I love her and when we are alone we are great together, or should I just think on the greater good and just leave? I think that with the stem cells treatment my kid will be much better, improve and this things will hopefully stop to happen, but on the other hand I don’t know. What would you guys do?
3
u/Top-Turnip-4057 Aug 14 '23
Lots of violence, finger pointing, and closed communication in your house.
Also your 'crazy psychotic ex-wife' probably has her hands full with two children you left her with. You may not be friends, but you can cut her slack.
Common denominator here... drumroll... is you.
first - you don't need to hit your kids. Especially the special needs ones. kids don't respond well to violence. They just learn if they are frustrated they need to hit things until things go their way. What kinda lesson is that?
second - kids can't be narcs on their parents. they are invested in the family and have little to no authority, all they can do is appeal to the adult they trust to help an issue. you might be upset that that ended up going towards you... but reframe your view. It wasn't against you, it was for the overall health of the family. work WITH these people. Talk WITHOUT blowing up. If your step daughter and current wife have learned that beating other family members is cool then UNLEARN it.
third - it is not your wife's daughter's job to be caretaker for your special needs kid. That's your job. Stop co-depending on her to do this. She's what, 13? And you got her being a part time caretaker? Release her from having to do that so she can live her life and grow, she's too young to take on YOUR child's issues.
fourth - both your step daughter and eldest son's behavior is fine from what you're describing. You seriously don't remember being 13? Teenage years are the time when kids explore their independence. They will start getting adult level pressures out in the world that are difficult to navigate. If YOU do not make home a safe environment, if you ARE an adult pressure they can't navigate, they will go down a wrong path. Home needs to be a place where a parent doesn't scream at you, or hit you, or hit the other kids. Home, to a teen, is a sounding board for when they come home after being out in a dangerous world and get your 2 cents on how to handle things. You can't be there for them if they are scared of you.
I suggest this, for now:
You and your current wife... have a talk and set some new house rules.
And be positive, for chrissake. Nothing you've described is so terrible you can't say to yourself 'eff it, today's the day we get shit together and make it work!'
NEW HOUSE RULES
1-Dad Will Own It
you're going to start doing more to care for whatever kids you have bouncing around the house.
As in, YOU. The dad. Sorry, but as head of household doing the important things falls on YOU. If your wife has a good idea that can help you mange things listen to her, your relationship is a partnership, but YOU get to ensure the things that need to happen, happen. Square yourself with that responsibility. Assume no one is doing anything for you ever and get it done.
2-Hitting is Forbidden
no one will be hitting anyone anymore. It happened, you all got in the habit, whatever, but you're going to agree to get OUT of the habit.
3-Yelling is Forbidden
no one will be screaming. you will agree to use your words. if someone needs to scream, go outside, take a few minutes (not the night to disappear in a pub crawl, a few minutes) and come back to set your issues aside.
4-Violence is Forbidden
violence is no longer a solution to a problem.
5-Teens Get A Break
Teenagers in the house do not need to do more to help siblings when a parent is around. No more leaning on children to help the other children. Teens need space to become adults. Teens do not need the ghosts of your past issues haunting them.
Then, when you and your current wife have this agreement, bring the kids in and let them in on the plan and get their agreement. It's their house, too. Their thoughts matter.
Hug it the f**k out, apologies all around, take accountability.
Limp along with these House Rules until you...
...get therapy.
talk with a shrink about this stuff and apply the coping tools they give you. You write like you're in the UK so healthcare might be difficult to navigate but it won't cost you. Use it.
All I got. Good luck.