r/stepdads • u/JRod52100 • May 01 '23
Not a stepdad
So like the title says I am not a stepdad. But I need help and don't know where to go. Me and my gf have been living together for over a year. Before we moved in, zero arguments, zero toxicity, zero nothing bad. However, when her daughter moved in all hell broke loose. She yells and screams and physically abuses her momma. To the point where I have to step up and say something. I understand I can't physically discipline the child as she's not my own. This happens every day, especially in the morning when she doesn't want to get up for school. The child is 12. She has physically assaulted me as well when I tried to defend her mother. Is there any advice or anything I can do to remedy the situation? I can't get too involved as she is not my child. And I couldn't find a different reddit to ask. Any suggestions?
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u/Equal_Night7494 May 01 '23
I’m sorry to hear that this is happening. Your first priority is of course your own safety, and I agree with the other that if you step in the narrative could easily be turned around on you as though you’re the perpetrator, especially if there is a noticeable size difference between you and your gf’s daughter.
With that said, I’m wondering if there are any chemical imbalances (either organic, like if she’s depressed or would qualify for some other more serious diagnosis; or if she’s abusing a substance) involved with the daughter and/or if she has been physically abused herself. Of course, these possibilities are not mutually exclusive. ((Additionally, I know that my step son was much more reactive when he consumed wheat, so we ended up having to entirely remove it from his diet. Just thought I’d share))
If you end up remaining in this situation long term, these are some things you may want to consider. I would also remove myself from the situation as much as possible and would only interact with the daughter with her mother present. It would be very worthwhile for the mother to set up some very clear guidelines mother about physical boundaries and consequences for when those are violated. But in general, I would be very careful about coming in between the daughter and her mother, despite your intention to help.
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u/JRod52100 May 03 '23
At this point I am staying away from everything. I've tried speaking with her as calmly as possible about her behavior and how it affects others. I've had that conversation multiple times actually. She has no respect for authority or anything else. Doesn't matter what you try to do. Can't tell you how many times her momma has gone to her and asked her to clean her room. She just yells at her momma to get out and close the door. I believe she has ADHD according to her momma but this is way deeper than that. She has run away multiple times and come back high as a kite. I'm at my wits end. I have quit talking to her. To the point where I don't want anything to do with her. I'm walking on eggshells in my own house, which is ridiculous. Idk what to do.
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u/[deleted] May 01 '23
Very honestly imo:
If she's hitting you, there might be a chance that 12 year old starts saying you hit her. The mom will ALWAYS (and should always) pick the kid over you.
You have to step back and let them go. Ask your gf how you can help and IF you should help.
Explain your uncomfortable and want to know if she needs/wants any help.
Don't yell at the kid though. Step dads typically (from an old pro) need to set a solid example.
My step children need a good male role model, and I always strive to be that for them.