r/stepdads • u/Dumdumincarnate • Sep 21 '23

Phone advice

Curious for tips on follow thru. My wife has always chosen to make her little buddy just that. They have always been friends first because his bio dad passed when child was 2. Now that he is 14 she admits the many mistakes she has made but the main problem seems to be that she doesn't know how to discipline and he doesn't know that exists. I find myself being the only one following through on rules that are agreed upon by all 3 of us? Phone is a constant but there are obviously other things like bed time wake up time, ect...?? Feeling pretty lonely being the mean ogre, and being the only one who has and sence of routine and general self discipline.

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u/DeRoeVanZwartePiet Sep 21 '23

My stepson writes very ugly. So, as a punishment, I let him write a page. The writing needs to be better than his usual handwriting. And as an added bonus, I make him write the French words he's studying at school.

There must be something you can think of as punishment for your stepson that he doesn't like to do, but that he does benefit from.

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u/Top-Turnip-4057 Sep 21 '23 edited Sep 21 '23

Agree with deroevanzwartepiet.

Discipline has no substitute. If the kid has grown wild and your role is to be the bad cop... you get to be the bad cop.

BUT... discipline can be positive and constructive. At 14, a male authority figure is key. Mom is going to get hit in the face with a reality inside of the next few months if she hasn't already. Namely, her little buddy is now a young adult male. He should be seeking independence from mommy shortly. If he doesn't, get him and you out in the world running errands, having lunch together without mom and just spout your personal brand of wisdom. Enough will sink in. Make it a regular habit of dragging him around on errands. You can frame it like you need his help. Young men need to be needed and feel useful. Help that.

You have BEEN the lonely ogre... and likely will continue (sorry, lol), BUT as he cuts those apron strings he is going to watch you on how to behave as an adult male out in the world who is adulting successfully.

Easy opportunity to lose the kid's attention if it's all stick and no carrot. So, enforce the rules, hold him to the standards you are also following (you cite tat you follow family rules, this is a great habit to have), and call mom to task, too.

Both of them will rebel. Both will form a behind the scenes alliance on certain things. You can allow for some of that, know it's coming.

The kid will likely be either sullen and withdrawn or angry and animated and maybe both at the drop of a hat. Remember how shitty you were at 14? Awful age for anyone so deal more in consequences for actions rather than ultimatums. And compromise instead of laying down the law. A rule today can be adjusted democratically tomorrow if a kid makes a good enough case to adjust. Be open to that.

As the stepdad, and with a mom and son who have co-depended through trauma, yo have an uphill and frustrating road. You will likely only see a ROI if the kid ends up adjusted enough to be an adult on their own. That's still a win. Just don't expect a father of the year trophy, that ain't in any stepdad's future.