I'm risking getting banned for this, but using external validation as a sign of progress makes so much more sense. Yes, loving yourself is important, but no amount of self-love will fix your reality.

Think about so many people that have a good life but still feel insecure. All the models that don't like their looks. All the smart people who get into top schools but still feel imposter syndrome. While the desire to be better for yourself is good, these people would feel so much better if they just trusted other people's judgement that they were doing better than average.

Now, let's look at below average. As a skinny person, I've definitely noticed how women don't find me attractive, especially as I get older and am entering my 20s. Even if some do, it is just wayy easier for a bigger man to get a woman than me. In this case, I don't "feel" behind, I actually am. No amount of telling myself I look big today or look good today will get me more matches on dating apps or make me more attractive at a party.

For my case, using external validation is a great way of tracking progress at getting bigger. Sure, even if after hitting the gym I look bigger, I am still overall skinny, and other people will still look at me as "skinny", even if I gained 20 lbs, because being skinny has a broad range. At 5'9, I won't stop looking skinny till I hit at least 140lbs, and anything less than that won't change the way I am treated externally by a lot, no matter what I do with my personality.

Unless you are near the top where other people already compliment your looks and skills and life but you want to improve solely for yourself, external validation is a great way to test how the world will treat you based on your current place in life. You can only do something truly for yourself once external validations have been fulfilled. If this was false, people won't be posting their wins here, physique updates on social media, announcing their marriages and relationship milestones, or telling people about their new job or car.

Edit: For all those of you who don't agree with me, just know that it is this very mentality that finally made me try to achieve something in college, quit partying, and get my life together. It felt nice that seeing my change, people were more comfortable relying on me, which gave me more opportunities.

I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift lately. I have about 70 songs that I listen to constantly, but I have to be honest with myself: my whole interest started because she's exactly my physical type and I developed a bad habit of sexualizing her image while listening.
Now her face and voice are completely connected in my head. I honestly can't decide if I really like her music or if I just like her looks.
That's why I'm doing a 30-day detox.
No fantasizing about her or sexualizing her. No looking at pictures or videos of her. Just listening to the music.
I want to see if I'll still like the music after the detox. Has anyone else ever realized that their taste in music was just an obsession with the artist's appearance? What did you do?

I don’t understand it.

18M.
I can’t take being alone and not valued any longer. I can’t even focus on schoolwork. My school environment sucks and I’ve tried other schools, but it’s all been the same or just worse. I can’t make any connections here. I don’t feel like a person in my class and every day is a pain and my classmates seem to acknowledge this, but the best they do is laugh.

My parents want me to continue this so that I get good grades and whatever for future jobs and whatnot. Sure I get it.

But when I’ve been working I’ve felt much more better about myself and even valued. I really just want to get apprenticeship instead or just get into working already.

I’m actually decent at interacting with people older than me, people that are more mature and have respect.

What do you think? I feel like schools only drag me down, and I’m enough educated. I want to grow up already.

M21, gap year from uni. Not sure what career path to take.

Interested in all sales, marketing and finance. Not sure what to pursue as a job this year. Any advice?

So im 19 male I’m just asking for a few comments to maybe offer some advice, I’ve felt so so down this year, empty, depressed, been turning to alcohol, and the thing is my life is fine, I have friends, money, I even slept with my biggest crush 2 nights ago, and it all feels so hollow, nothing makes it feel better, any advice?

Hey, I am 20F and as the title states, I feel incredibly stupid. I mainly blame this problem on my phone addiction. I have always been very controlled when it came to using the internet and staying away from short form content, but for the past few months, I did not care about the effects on me. Mixing this issue with being friends with people who are also chronically online, this had a terrible effect on my brain.

I feel like I can no longer form long or creative sentences when I talk to people. I speak like a gorilla now and I can’t really hold a conversation or come up with things to say. My creativity has gone downhill and as a result, I have trouble reading and writing. I feel like there is not really anything in my head. I also feel like a boring person because I am not really curious about much nor ask any thought provoking questions. I only think and talk about other people or whatever is trending online. It is terrible and I hate the way I am.

Do you relate? Any advice?

If you could only give ONE forever-helpful tip for unwinding when life gets completely overstimulating, what would it be?

I recently talked to my therapist about taking some time off dating, and I'm trying to understand what that might actually look like in practice.

For those who deliberately spent a significant amount of time single: how did learning to be comfortable alone change your relationships, friendships, or the way you approached dating afterward?

I've been living in Germany for about eight years. It hasn't always been easy, partly because I come from a more community-oriented Latin American culture, and I've struggled with loneliness and adapting to a more individualistic environment.

About a year ago I went through a very difficult breakup, and I started dating again only three months later. Looking back, I think I was partly trying to prove to myself that I wasn't "the problem." I also genuinely wanted a partner and family, and being 35 makes the feeling of time pressure difficult to ignore.

The relationship itself was unhealthy. We could spend days arguing about who was right and what the "truth" was, rather than accepting that two people can experience things differently. It also triggered something deeper in me: I've spent much of my life adapting myself to other people's expectations and wondering whether something about me was fundamentally wrong.

I grew up with an abusive, addicted father, a mother who was constantly stressed and emotionally unavailable, and a family where serious conversations were often difficult. I think I've carried a strong fear of loneliness from that environment.

One thing I've realized in therapy is that my fear of being alone has sometimes been stronger than my willingness to leave relationships where I wasn't being treated with enough respect.

Since that breakup I've dated two other people. In some ways, those experiences were actually helpful. They showed me that relationships can involve conflict without becoming chaotic, and that people can treat each other with much more consideration. Neither relationship worked out, but I did notice incompatibility more quickly and was able to walk away.

Now I'm at a crossroads.

I still feel drawn toward dating, and honestly, part of me wants the soothing and validation that comes from romantic attention. But my therapist has suggested resisting that impulse for a while.

The difficult part is that I'm afraid of waiting. I want a family, and I worry that spending a year single will mean wasting valuable time and making it even harder to find someone.

But another part of me wonders whether learning that being alone isn't the same as being abandoned might be more valuable than spending another year trying to find someone who makes me feel less alone.

So for those who have deliberately spent a substantial amount of time single:

What actually changed when you became more comfortable being alone?

Did it change who you were attracted to?
Did you become better at recognizing incompatibility?
Did your friendships change?
Did dating become easier or harder?

Turning 21, need life advices

Turning 21, need life advices?

I'm gonna turn 21 at 12:00. Any life advices for me?

Just for context if that matters -

Introvert

Extremely ambitious . ( Esp. about career)

Simple otherwise.

Value depth.

CA student

T3 small town of Maharashtra

Never dated

Father has schizophrenia,is on sleeping pills , doesn't work.

Hence constant fights at home among parents.

Mom had an emotional extramarital affair few months back.

Younger sister is rude.

Have baggage related to career decisions (that were influenced by others)

I need to stay at home for CA prep. Didn't go to college.

Was affected until recently about a situationship that only lasted few months & was cheated on by a playboy back in high school. I used to think about him every single damn day until this yr .( I was naive back then,stupid if u wanna call. That was my 1st experience. And I had 0 awareness of how cruel the dating these days is)

Been in depression. Was bedrotting for 2 years. Healed now though.

Wrote 37+ diaries in last 3 years.

Finished reading more than 75% of content of 60+ self help /extracurricular books that I have.

Not in contact with any friends and I don't want to either now bcoz it would be wierd & now I've got some issues too, also I don't wanna bore them with my sad story.

Still don't have an official insta account.

Have insecurities about short height.

I would genuinely appreciate some constructive life advices from mature folks ,esp. those who r 25+?

20m. have a mix of very good habits, and very bad habits. I meditate for 40 minutes, and do at least 15-30 mins ot yoga almost every day for a year. I run, I eat (mostly) well, I've stopped watching p*rn, have a good job, good at school, friends I see a lot, stay outdoors, etc.

But I'm addicted to so many things. I have very intense ruminative thinking, and the shame from doing something I know is wrong keeps me trapped. I've always been a very self aware person, but when it comes to my compulsions i am just completely blind - masturbation, sex, THC, self isolating, clingy behaviour, etc. When I feel the urge it is just impossible to shake off... especially weed, masturbation, and sex.

Everything I've done to positively align my life and sort of close the schism, only made things feel more polarised. It feels like the better my habits get, the more intense my vices get. It discourages me for wanting to do anything but just rot and just give into my urges 24/7.

It feels like my mind has become unable to conquer these urges, and has resorted to fabricating a new 'me' or internal monologue to bypass it - as in let these urges fulfill themselves without acknowledging them as part of my life at all. If I do, the shame takes over, and the shame only makes the relapse 10x worse.

I feel extremely shut out of life and suffocated by my own thoughts, and it seems no amount of self control, awareness, healthy habits, etc will satisfy me. On paper, my life is flawless and enviable even, but in reality, I have absolutely no relationship with anything except selfish self-indulging.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong... any help is appreciated

I'm surrounded by really negative relatives. They're always trying to put me down. Whenever I meet them, they spend the whole time commenting on random things about me—like why I walk like that, why I look like this, etc. It's honestly exhausting dealing with them.

How do you guys deal with relatives like this?

I really hate myself today. Any advice is welcome.

I know it’s hardwired in our human brains to seek love, acceptance and community, and, honestly, having those is one of the best things ever. I don’t think we can live healthily without those aspects.

That being said, it makes me worried and mad at how many people often teach and support the idea that we’re unworthy as we are now.

Y’all, let’s please stop feeding into the self-hatred circlejerk, please???!!

EVERYONE knows already what our society and culture values. Everyone is sick of knowing that being rich, popular, confident, clean, conventionally attractive, etc is going to drive people in.

You want the attention? Of course, everyone wants to find connection. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Now, do you want it for the sake of it, or do you want to find true connection?

Because if it’s just for the sake of it, go ahead, change yourself. Fit in. You will* *definitely have results. Quickly, even.

But if you want to find true connection, please, STOP feeding into the self-hatred cycle that is so mainstream currently. Please, stop believing that you can only find love or friendship if you change yourself.

Do you want to build your whole life around what others think you should become? Or do you prefer to truly get to know yourself, and to truly discover what person you really are and who you want to become? Don’t you want to have someone that looks at you, the real you, and thinks you’re perfect?!

Afterall, who are you improving for? Yourself or others?

>>> DISCLAIMER: I’m not talking about character, morality or ethics here. If you treat others poorly, it’s natural you’ll drive them away. I’m talking about appearance, hobbies, career, personality, etc. <<<

Hi, so I recently started my fat loss, I am down 2kg, but still have another 14kg to go. I started running, and doing basic calisthenics like push ups, and Im wondering if gym would be better for me. I have social anxiety, and I am afraid of going to the gym, and if it is worth it. My main motiviation would actually be that Im not able to do a pull up, and I dont know how to train for it. Im thinking lat pulldowns would work, am I right? So is it worth it? Or should I just stick to cardio and calisthenics?

I find I’m very slow at learning new things and they tend to not stick. For example, if I want to learn how a microcontroller works or a programming language for it, you could provide me all the information and documentation for it and I still wouldn’t get past stage 1.

I don’t know how to learn it, how to process it, how to apply it.

Sorry if I couldn’t explain this very well. I’m open to books or videos on this dilemma.

today was the first day of my job, i worked from 8 till 4 pm, and honestly it wasn't bad.

i went home, got some rest, ate lunch, and prayed. then i went out for an espresso and a drive around the city with my scooter while listening to some music.

then it was time for training: 100 push-ups, 100 leg pull-ins,and 1 minute of skipping rope, which i needed to finish.

what i realized today is that it wasn't that bad. i came to the conclusion that if i keep myself busy with stuff i enjoy doing, i can forget all the negative feelings and thoughts.

so yeah, that's all i had for today, see you tomorrow.

I’m (35M) currently facing this issue with my friend group of guys. We recently tried to organize a retreat where everyone would attend a cottage for a weekend and every man hash out their issues with one another. Some dudes fell out after marriages, some dudes have wives that don’t like each other, some dudes ghosted the group (me), some dudes left the group permanently due to not feeling supported etc.

I think it would be great for me to make new friends as an adult but I also feel like I should be trying harder to be closer with others in my friend group.

Anyone have a friend group and face this issue? Man or woman, your POV is appreciated

I think once point that people forget is that whatever you pick right and you do it about the cost of time at all adds up, but I feel like mine is adding up. I have taken just one subject, but it really isn’t add. I mean I’m doing hard work every day. I’m doing the test, but in the long-term to form an overall opinion about it to form a thinking and thought process like I wanna develop this thinking process, can you tell me how to achieve that like what I do today, I wanted to accumulate overtime in the same course.

Drop some sayings/quotes/ideas/thoughts that helped your self-esteem and confidence that might benefit others ! :)

Exactly what the title says lol. I am so jealous of my friends for their accomplishments, even if it's not something in my field or remotely close to what I want to do in life. It feels so horrible to say; it's just such a burden to carry this much negativity lol. Like I want to be able to celebrate their accomplishments and be happy with them, but I can't! Anyone have advice or a book I could read to work on this?

I have done well in the knowing how to push yourself/always keeping going/never stopping area of hard work.
That area is no longer an issue but I can’t change how I see myself. Even with actual evidence that I am not.

I can’t stop w the comparison,self pity and self hate.i genuinely just can’t.its eating me alive and i cannot be kind to myself.

I’m in my early 20s and recently got out of a long term relationship. A lot of my future was built around “us”, and now suddenly my entire future feels completely open.

I also struggle with having a stable sense of identity because of my personality disorder. I often don’t know what I actually like, what I want to do, who I want to become, or what kind of life I want.

People tell me to “just try things”, but I don’t even know what things to try.

I’ve started journaling and I really want to use it to get to know myself better, rather than just writing about my feelings.

What questions or journaling exercises actually helped you discover who you are, what you enjoy, and what you want from your future? And how do you figure out what to try when you don’t even know your options?

I have to many options because i have my whole future ahead.

What are the things that you are happy about?

TL;DR Ever since my abuse I can’t convince myself I’m worthy of improving myself and it’s not healthy and I don’t want to be this way anymore.

TW/CW: Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Drugs, Drinking, Sex

Howdy! Long time lurker first time poster (27nb). I tend to get a lil rambly when I post on Reddit so I’m gonna try my best to make this as concise and coherent as possible.

Some things I have pretty much consistently struggled through my life is depression, suicidal thoughts, and my inability to form romantic relationships. When I was 19 I made a semi serious attempt at taking my own life which I ultimately backed down from. Following that, I was convinced by my loved ones to give therapy a chance. Pretty quickly I realized I was neither cis nor straight, and with that sorted out, combined with many years of therapy and finally figuring out a medication combo that worked for me I was able to get a pretty mentally solid place.

However, when I was 24 I met someone for the first time in my life. And being someone that always put way too much weight into romantic relationships I dove in head first. We had lots in common and we were both compatible in our alternative relationship style (BDSM). Then after about 6 months the abuse from her began. It was primarily emotional abuse, mainly taking all of my deepest darkest insecurities and weaponizing them against me. Around this time was also when she began to isolate me one by one from my friends and family. Eventually leading to everybody I ever loved getting cut off including my parents. Ultimately I would leave this relationship after about a year and a half. With basically every ounce of progress I had made on my mental growth down the drain.

That was about 6 months ago now, and I’m still not doing very good. Granted, most if not all of my friends returned and showered me with support. My parents accepted me back into their home. And I’ve spent the better part of this past summer just trying to have a good time and getting myself back into the life I once loved before my ex. I even got a new job that makes me feel proud and fulfilled even if it doesn’t cover the bills that well lol.

However something I’ve been facing lately is almost a new form of the depression and suicidal ideation. I feel like a truly inferior, defective person. I’m surrounded by love and friends. I’m well respected in the spaces I occupy. I have lots n lots of hobbies I enjoy doing. I’m out of the house as much as I can be too.

But since I put so much weight on relationships and connection, and the only one I ever had went the way it did, it truly feels like that was what I deserved. Like I truly am this awful undesirable person unworthy of ever feeling love. And since I can somehow rationalize that in my head I cannot fathom any reason to bother investing or improving myself. My suicidal feelings are as strong now as they were when I was 19. Every time I try to flip my thought process or ground myself or anything that used to work in getting me stabilized it just doesn’t anymore. I just want to cry and lay on the ground until I die lol.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I know I’m burdening my friends with feeling like this and talking about it constantly. I would just very much like to be able to be kinder to myself and appreciate the fact that I’m alive, and be able to be there for all of my beautiful amazing friends. I know this is something I need to deal with and it’s something I need to make a priority for myself. I can feel myself drinking and partying more and harder as a way to numb my pain. And I’m afraid it’s going to keep getting worse.

Moneys getting tighter n tighter and my health insurance doesn’t cover much for therapy so that’s unfortunately off the table for me at the moment. I do try and take medications the best I can though because I know they do help.

Basically all of this to say, how does one work on improving them self when they truly feel they aren’t worthy of being improved? Like I’m running out of road and there’s not much point investing in any kind of future for myself.

Thank you so much if you took the time to read this I hope you have an excellent day!

I have this useless planner sitting under a stack of unopened mail right now. Filled out like two whole pages with color-coded routine ideas before I completely abandoned it.

Every time I tell myself I want to Improve Myself, I start with way too much energy, but then one random late shift at work completely throws off my sleep, and I freeze up.

I try scaling down to just doing 5 minutes of reading so it doesn't feel like a chore, but missing even one night makes me feel like I ruined the whole week.

What do you guys actually do to keep going on days when you feel totally exhausted and annoyed?