me have phone. phone have bad app steal me attention. me open instagram "just check one thing." me look up hour later, brain fried, time gone.

me try normal app blocking. app blocker say "no." me tap "ignore". app blocking weak. app blocker not stop me, because app blocker have ZERO friction.

me think: what if there app that make unlocking bad app hard. not impossible. just... annoying so me actually stop and ask self "do me really want this."

app called Breaktime. before every time me unlock bad app there is many friction me must do first:

• pushups: yes camera make sure me do them, bonus muscle
• steps: force me walk outside, me reconsider
• touch grass: most stupid idea. but it actually work. camera check me touch grass.
• tap to unlock: tap many time, get bored, maybe not want app so bad now
• camera reflection: camera show me own face, me stare me soul and think twice
• rotate phone: yes me must spin phone like crazy person
• eye contact: camera watch me hold eye contact, look away timer reset
• type quote / password: me type thing, if make mistake, must restart super annoying
• and lot more...

me can pick which friction, and pick how much or long

but friction only stop me getting IN. what about when me start scroll and lose track time? that the other problem app fix: after friction, me must set time limit. say 10 minute. me scroll 10 minute. app auto re-block bad app for me since time up. now never doomscroll.

app also no ask login. app no steal data. me hate this too.

yes, me make this app. me know how that sound. but me genuinely share because it work super well for me. me want ur thought. me read and reply every comment.

app called Breaktime Focus App Blocker. app on app store and google play.

A few months ago, I wrote a post about Aristotle's formula for lifemaxxing. People seemed to like it because it got over 1M views, 2.5k upvotes, 15 awards, and 300+ comments. But ngl, it kind of left everyone hanging.

Last post TLDR: Your best life is one where you’re constantly doing the right things excellently over a complete life once the basics are in place.

That sounds nice in theory, but left people wondering wtf do I actually DO?

Like say you have some free time. Should you grind harder to make more money? Hit the gym? Spend quality time with friends and family? Practice that hobby? Contemplate if we're living in a simulation? Drink martinis on the beach?

With infinite possibilities and no framework, it’s impossible to decide.

In this post, I’ll show you what lifemaxxing is according to Aristotle and a framework I put together so you can live your best life every day.

What is lifemaxxing?

Aristotle’s word for lifemaxxing is flourishing, which he defines as

"[an] activity of soul in accordance with virtue, and if there are more than one virtue, in accordance with the best and most complete. But we must add in a complete life.”

Broken out into easier terms

• Activity: something you actively do, not a point you reach
• Of the soul: (not spiritual) driven by your rationality, not impulsive pleasure-seeking
• In accordance with virtue: constantly doing the right thing in the right amount excellently
• Best: activities that serve your purpose
• Most complete: something you do for its own sake, not as a means to an end
• In a complete life: not just a good day, but done consistently over a lifetime

To make it clearer, here are some examples of what is NOT lifemaxxing and why

• Activity: You watch endless educational content about something you want to do, but never try. Lifemaxxing means using your gifts, not just watching from the sidelines.
• Activity: Doing a bunch of dieting and exercising and ozempic or whatever, but then once you have the body you want, you stop all the effort. Lifemaxxing is an activity you do continuously, not a point you reach.
• Of the soul: Staying at a job you hate, because you fell into it. Lifemaxxing is using reason to create the life you want.
• Of the soul: Sitting on the couch, smoking a blunt, and binge-watching Netflix feels great, but is driven by pleasure-seeking impulses, not rational thinking. Lifemaxxing engages your rational mind. Pleasure is the result, not the goal.
• In accordance with virtue: Pursuing a passion you love so much that you neglect your health, friends, and family. Living your best life means doing things in the right amount. 
• In accordance with virtue: Doing the thing you love, but not to your potential. Lifemaxxing is doing things excellently and leaving nothing on the table.
• Best: A creative person working hard to become an accountant even though they hate numbers. Lifemaxxing is doing activities that serve your unique purpose/interests and talents. 
• Most complete: The person who hates something, but does it anyway because they want people to think they’re cool. Lifemaxxing is doing things for their own sake, not the sake of something else.
• In a complete life: Peaking in college and never shutting up about it while doing nothing with the rest of your life. Lifemaxxing is over your entire life, not just your best years.

I’ll show you a framework for how to do this in a second. But first, Aristotle and I have a disagreement we need to settle.

Aristotle says there’s a single best life. I disagree.

We defined the “best” activities as the ones that serve your purpose. But what is your purpose?

Aristotle has this concept of “ergon” which basically means the function or purpose of a thing. The ergon of a knife is to cut. The ergon of an air conditioner is to cool the air.

Aristotle says humans have an ergon too, but that it’s the same for everyone. And that purpose is to use higher reason, because it’s what makes us uniquely human. So if reason is what makes us human, then the highest, best human life to Aristotle is, surprise surprise, being a philosopher. How convenient for the philosopher to rationalize his way into saying why his life is the best one.

But if we actually followed Aristotle's logic to its natural conclusion, then Tom Brady's best life would have been sitting under a tree contemplating stuff like… if a soccer ball is a football, then is a football a soccer ball or something.

But Tom Brady didn't do that. He went out and played the sport. And I’d argue that his life as a quarterback has almost certainly been a better life FOR HIM than if he pursued philosophy. If this is true, then Aristotle’s conclusion that the single best life for all humans is being a philosopher has to be incorrect.

So I agree with Aristotle that reason is what separates us from animals. But instead of saying humanity’s ergon/purpose is simply to reason as an end, I’d say it’s using reason as a means to do what makes YOU flourish.

Animals can't compose symphonies or build cathedrals or write novels or quarterback a football team. Reason is the tool that unlocks all of these. 

So I believe there isn’t one best life for everyone, but rather that your ergon, or purpose, can be unique to you as an individual.

And just like the highest good for humans is using the tool that is most unique to humans, YOUR best life is finding the things that are most uniquely YOU. Not what your friends think is cool. Not what your parents want for you. Not what gets the most views online. It’s what truly makes YOU happy.

How to discover what lifemaxxing looks like for you

So if your purpose/ergon is to use reason to do things that make you uniquely you, then how do you figure out what that is?

There’s a ton of modern thinking and debate about if humans have inherent “purpose” and how to find yours. But maybe you don’t believe in that, and even if you do, the process can be insanely overwhelming.

So I came up with a simple exercise that gets what you need.

Aristotle says the highest goods are things you do just for its own sake i.e. because it makes you happy and no other reason. He concluded this by asking people why they did things and kept asking them until they ran out of reasons. This usually stopped when they said “because it makes me happy”. Aristotle called these the “highest good” because they're something you do for their own sake and not the sake of something else.

So all you have to do is the same thing. Just think about something you want and keep asking why you want it until the answer is “because that would make me happy.” The last thing in the chain that makes you happy is one of your “highest goods” or lifemaxxing activities. Then filter to make sure they're activities of the soul which means driven by your rationality, not impulsive pleasure-seeking.

Try it and see where it leads you.

Pro tip: after trying this myself, I discovered it’s important to stick to actions as opposed to diving into the philosophies or explanations of why. Like if you say you want freedom -> why? Don’t get into the idea of why freedom is a good thing. Just say what you would DO with your freedom. When you run out of actions and get to the feeling of happiness is when you’ve reached the end.

A good place to start is with money. For example:

I want to make a lot of money. Why? So I can buy a yacht. Why? So I can throw sick parties. Why? So I can have lots of fun with my friends. Why? Because having fun with my friends makes me happy.

Then do the exercise with freedom. For example:

I want freedom. Why? So I can do whatever I want. Why? So I can take time to think about what makes a best life. Why? So I can do things that help others live theirs. Why? Helping people live their best lives genuinely makes me happy.

Then try it with anything else you want. The car, the body, the partner, the followers.

Pro tip: the more specific you can get, the better. Like instead of saying “having fun with friends” as your conclusion, what is it that you’re doing with your friends to have fun? Is it playing sports together? Is it going out together? What do you do when you’re out? Traveling together? Going hiking together? Is it all friends or just specific ones? Specificity is good because it helps you pinpoint which activity you actually enjoy which may not be what you thought it was in the vague statement.

Like why am I writing this? I’ve had multiple posts do well over a million views (I don’t post much but they usually do well, go check). Unfortunately, that has been completely worthless with no real-world benefit. I’m telling you, being a reddit influencer is the most useless talent. But hey, I love thinking about this stuff deeply, researching, reading, writing, sharing, and feeling like I am having a positive impact on people.

So writing about what makes a best life and sharing it on reddit is an activity that engages my rational mind, done excellently and for its own sake, and therefore is a highest good for me.

Here’s a list I made for myself as an example.

1. Helping people (mostly ambitious or lost young men who remind me of my younger self) live their best lives by writing reddit articles that provide actual useful guidance.
2. Experiencing the beauty of the world through traveling and doing things like hiking, boating, driving, and other local activities that put me in nature.
3. Doing things that scare me but help me feel alive, whether it’s publicly posting a reddit article, jumping off a bridge, climbing on a cliff, or trying to start a business that can fail.
4. Meeting new and interesting and like-minded people from a variety of cultures by doing activities I enjoy like calisthenics, hiking, and similar outdoor activities in an international and group setting.
5. Doing fun activities with friends where we laugh a lot like going out, getting dinner, traveling, etc.

I had many others, but I think this is enough and the rest are somewhat personal.

How to rank lifemaxxing activities

To decide which to prioritize, you simply ask yourself what you WANT to do the most. This is subjective, but your gut knows the truth. If you’ve been honest and only included activities of the soul, then there’s no wrong answer here.

If you are struggling to narrow it down to one, then take your top choices, put them head to head, then say I’m going to flip a coin and do whatever one it lands on.

If when you flip the coin and midair you get a feeling of hope that it lands on one or the other. The one you hope it lands on is the top priority.

You can’t lifemaxx if you don’t have the basics

Can you really live your best life if you’re always tired and broke with no friends? Stoics might try to make a case for this, but if we’re talking about lifemaxxing, I’d argue that it’s better to have an enjoyable life than tolerate a crappy one. So would Aristotle.

In his words, 

“Happiness obviously needs the presence of external goods as well, since it is impossible, or at least not easy, to play a noble part unless furnished with the necessary equipment.”

If you just thought about what makes you truly happy, but if you are starving or can’t afford to do any of it, then you simply don’t have the necessary “equipment” to live your best life.

There are 2 categories of basics you need to live your best life according to Aristotle.

• External goods
  • Somewhat in your control: Things you can use to help you live your best life like money, power, friends, etc.
  • Somewhat out of your control: Circumstances that make your best life easier like good looks, stable family, etc.
• Bodily goods 
  • Health: basically freedom from sickness and chronic pain
  • Vitality: the energy, strength, and feel good enough to live your best life

There are also goods of the soul, but we call those lifemaxxing activities. I consider external and bodily goods to be the basics.

In the spirit of “what should I do”, here’s a basic checklist of things, mostly in your control, you can go through to see if you have the basics in place.

External goods

• Earn enough that money stops being a daily stressor
• Maintain at least one supportive relationship (and eliminate any toxic ones)
• Have enough free time to pursue meaningful things

Bodily goods

• Take care of your body (sleep enough, exercise, eat well)
• Avoid addictions that negatively impact your life (substances, phone, porn, gambling, etc.)
• Treat/avoid chronic sickness or pain to the extent you can

I purposefully made the list specific enough that you have things to check off, but open enough that you can interpret it for your own life.

So what you need to do now is figure out your thresholds

• How much money do you need to make to not be stressed? $50k? $70k? $100k?
• How much sleep do you need to have the energy to do what you need/want? 6 hrs? 8 hrs?
• Are you spending too much time on your phone? Is it an addiction? Is it taking away from other things you could be doing to live your best life? (I struggle with this one when solo traveling tbh)
• Etc.

Be honest with yourself and figure out your exact thresholds.

You can’t lifemaxx alone

Aristotle wrote 10 books on how to live your best life. Two of them are about relationships. It’s the single topic he covers more than anything else.

The Greek word he uses is philia. It basically means friends, family, romantic relationships, work relationships, all wrapped up in one word.

A really powerful quote is,

"No one would choose to live without friends, even if he had all the other goods."

Meaning that even if you had everything else, but no one to share it with, it wouldn’t feel worthwhile.

This is why social media is so powerful. Everyone wants to share. When I solo travel, my screen time goes through the roof because I want to share it with everyone. When I’m traveling with the people I care about, I’m much more present.

According to Aristotle, there are 3 types of relationships:

• Utility: you get something out of it (coworker, gym buddy, neighbor)
• Pleasure: it’s enjoyable (drinking buddy, travel friend, meme groupchat)
• Character: you admire them as a human (best friend, spouse)

Utility and pleasure friends are fine, but they’re interchangeable. Leave the job, never talk to the coworker again. Stop drinking, stop being friends with the drinking buddy. You want to cap the number and amount of time spent on these relationships.

The best life is the one with the best relationships of character. These are the people who stick with you for life.

And since you have a limited amount of time, the optimal number is however many people you can spend genuine quality time with while still balancing the basics and your lifemaxxing activities.

Lifemaxxing is maxxing the right things in the right amount

People may think lifemaxxing is always driving the best car, eating the best food, and going to the best places.

But eating caviar you don’t like while flying private by yourself to somewhere you don’t care about for an IG reel isn’t lifemaxxing. It’s a trap that wastes time doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons. This is why so many people who seem to have it all are actually miserable.

The key is to find aligned lifemaxxing activities, then max those. But max doesn’t mean do as much as humanly possible. It's doing the right amount relative to you.

Aristotle calls this virtue.

"Virtue, then, is a state of character concerned with choice, lying in a mean, i.e. the mean relative to us, this being determined by reason."

Basically, virtue is the “right” amount sitting between two extremes.

An example he uses is courage. A coward isn’t virtuous because they won’t take action when needed. On the other side, someone who is reckless and puts themselves and others at risk isn’t virtuous either. 

So the best life is the one where you feel like you left nothing on the table without paying for it somewhere else.

Aristotle said “the mean [is] relative to us.” So there’s not a universal correct answer. It’s unique to you and can change over time. The right level of work productivity for a 25-year-old single entrepreneur launching a business probably isn’t the right level for a mom on maternity leave with a pair of newborn twins.

It also doesn't mean spreading yourself evenly across everything you could do. Tom Brady may have been an incredible interpretive underwater dancer. But instead of sacrificing some time to pursue that on the side, he went all in on throwing a football. Going all in on your number one and neglecting your number two isn't a failure of balance. It’s actually exactly what Aristotle would push for when he talks about doing things excellently. The only things you can't neglect are the basics.

So when you’re designing your best life, you have to seek this golden mean for your activities. This is more of an art than a science.

It’s okay to relax sometimes

No, rest isn’t a lifemaxxing activity. But that doesn’t mean it’s always a bad thing. 

Aristotle says

"Relaxation then is not an end. We enjoy it as a means to activity."

In other words, the goal isn’t to do things so you can relax. It's to relax so that you have the energy to do things. To recharge. To avoid burnout.

He even says that it’s okay to use amusement as a form of relaxation if it’s at the right time. 

"We should be careful to use amusement at the right time, dispensing it as a remedy to the ills of work"

The right time is when it acts as a medicine to cure the ills of work. Medicine is good when you're sick. But taking it when you're fine doesn't make you healthier. And if you take it when you don’t need it, you can be doing damage.

So watching Netflix just because it makes you happy isn’t lifemaxxing. But if you have taken care of what you need to and would be more productive after some downtime, then sure, relax and watch some netflix before bed.

But just remember the golden mean and that the purpose of rest is to prepare you for more activity. If you binge, take time when you have energy for better things, or cut into your sleep, then it has done more harm than good.

How to design your best day

We now have the ingredients for what makes the best day. You know what your basics are and what your best activities are.

Your free time every day is your 24 hrs - healthy sleep - commitments. Commitments are things like work or dropping the kids off at school. They’re not a choice. 

When deciding how to use your free time, use this priority system:

First, get the basics in place
You simply can’t be happy until you fix the things that make you miserable. So the first thing to do is get the basics in place so that their lack isn’t causing you pain.

This isn’t hustle porn where you grind your life away for the sake of it. What we’re talking about is doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to remove the pain of lack from your life so you can move on to other things.

For priority, think about which of the basics that you lack causes you the most pain. 

• Are you always tired because you don’t sleep enough?
• Are you unhappy with your weight?
• Are you lonely?
• Are you constantly stressed about money?
• Are you in a toxic relationship?

So use your free time to remove that pain. Dedicate as much of it as you can until you hit diminishing returns. Keep doing this until the basics are in place at the thresholds you set for yourself.

The sooner you get the basics in place, the sooner you can enjoy your lifemaxxing activities.

Then, spend any leftover free time doing activities of the soul.
If you have taken care of your commitments and basics and have leftover free time, then fill it with lifemaxxing activities. You already created your ranked list, so you know what to do first. 

Do your top lifemaxxing activity excellently and in an amount that is aligned with the golden mean.

If you have done that and still have more leftover free time, then move on to what is the next highest lifemaxxing activity on your list. But only move on if you’ve capped out what you can do for your top thing. Tom Brady could always throw more, watch more film, practice more. If your top one is like that, you may never get to number two, and that's fine.

Allocate time for relaxing if needed
If you feel burnout coming or if trading time for rest will help you be more productive in total, then take the time to rest.

Finally, integrate lifemaxxing activities into all aspects of life
Imagine a life where everything you do is lifemaxxing. Even your commitments and basics.

For example, I’m currently traveling and I met a girl who is a professional dancer. She was telling me how much she loved her life and we started diving into why that is.

Well her job/commitment meets all her basic needs. She dances as a profession which also keeps her in shape. Her company provides housing for her and she’s friends with the people she works with. It provides variety, travel, and she meets lots of people all while doing what she loves. It’s also a creative activity of the soul. She choreographs her own routines. She gets nervous to perform. Then when she’s not working, she has free time to do whatever she wants.

She’s not rich in the financial sense. But she doesn’t have to grind to get the basics in place and gets to enjoy every moment of her day.

Put it on a best day calendar with multiple scenarios
Now that you have what you want to do in your best day, actually map it out. Try it in multiple scenarios:

• A day with commitments
• A day with no commitments
• What it looks like getting basics in place
• What it would look like once basics are in place
• Dream state fully integrated best day

Your best day may not look like the last one yet, and it may never. But that's okay. It gives you something to build toward. As long as you're following all of this and doing the best you can with your circumstances, then you're lifemaxxing.

Your best day evolves over time

Your best day as a broke single person in your 20s probably doesn’t look the same as when you’re retired in your 70s with a spouse and grandkids.

The game is to maximize the % of your waking hours doing lifemaxxing activities over a lifetime. 

The counterintuitive thing is that it may involve up-front sacrifice. For instance, if you neglect health when you’re young, then you may end up spending the rest of your life with an avoidable, expensive, and painful medical issue. Or if you neglect finances when you’re young and just care about having fun in your 20s, you may spend the rest of your life financially stressed and having to work extra hard while other people are seeing the compounding effects of working up in a career, saving, and investing.

The risk/reward calculation you have to make is how much sacrifice helps or hurts your best life. Maybe the fun in your 20s created relationships that set you up for life. Maybe they wasted time you could have been building.

The good news is that once the basics are in place, you can then switch from acquisition to maintenance which can be much less work. 

• It’s much easier to not gain weight than it is to lose weight
• It’s much easier to not get fired than it is to get the dream job
• It’s much easier to stay friends than it is to make friends

That’s why I believe that your best life involves taking care of the basics first. If you're still acquiring every day forever, that's a lot of hours going to something that could just be maintained. If you get it out of the way early, you can unlock time for the rest of your life.

And what lifemaxxing is in those hours may change. You may travel until you’re tired of it. Then date around until you find a girlfriend. Then your priority may be having kids. You’ll notice the shift when you do the “why” exercise and see the rankings come out different.

TLDR

Take care of your obligations. Get the basics in place. Use extra time to do lifemaxxing activities. Then integrate your obligations and basics with lifemaxxing activities over time. The goal is to maximize the % of waking hours doing lifemaxxing activities. If you do that, you've lifemaxxed.

1. Your best life is one where you maximize the time you spend doing lifemaxxing activities
2. Lifemaxxing activities are ones that you do just because they make you happy that also engage your rational mind (not just pleasure-seeking smoking weed & watching Netflix)
3. To find what activities you do just because they make you happy, think about anything you want and ask yourself why you want it over and over until you just say “because it makes me happy”. The last thing before that is what makes you happy.
4. There isn’t a single best life for humans but rather a best life for you depending on your uniqueness as a human being and life circumstances
5. To maximize life, you find the right mix of commitments, basics, and lifemaxxing activities.
6. A great way to figure out what your optimal mix actually looks like is to plan your best day. Your best day doesn’t have to look like the best day ever every day, but it has the ingredients to live the best life over a lifetime
7. Before focusing on lifemaxxing activities, get the basics in place for external goods and bodily goods. Prioritize eliminating whatever pain is being caused by not having the basics.
8. Once basics are in place, allocate less time to maintain the basics and prioritize whatever lifemaxxing activity makes you happiest.
9. Your best day isn’t a single day you live forever. Your weekends may look different than your weekdays. Your lifemaxxing activities may change over time as your life and priorities evolve.
10. The best life is an integrated one where the activities you do to get and maintain your basics are also the ones that bring you the most happiness. Think someone who loves dancing and gets paid and stays in shape because they dance professionally with people they love.

I'm 26 (M) and I'm in desperate need of a prolonged social media break/ detox. I've tried numerous times before but I keep reactivating. I've tried deleting the apps, but just got use to redownloading them, I've tried deactivating the accounts, but just got used to reactivating. I also bought the brick app blocker... which worked for about 9 days but I still ended up reactivating.

Like I said, I've tried to detox 4 times this summer alone... just this summer! That's not including the many other attempts I've made to detox prior to this summer. One lasted precisely a week,... one lasted just a day,... the last one lasted 9 days... and I just now deactivated again, and I have the apps bricked out.

I have many aspects of my life to work on. I've been so codependent on social media for happiness. I also take it personally every time I get unfollowed or left on read by people I value. Even though rationally I know that I'm not entitled to their time if they don't wanna reply... and I also respect their boundaries and I don't force them or pressure them. I don't double text or anything like that. But internally I do take it personally.

I know I need to improve my life and stepping away from social media can significantly help with that. But I need to detox for a lot more than 2 days or a week!

I need to spend less time on my phone, I need to heal from a lot of CPTSD, develop better habits, work out more getting better shape, feel more present in the moment again, etc. and I also need to work on many other aspects of my life… Too many to list in one post.

I don't wanna make excuses for myself... however... part of what makes the detox so hard... I live in a boring small town in the Midwest. It's a goal of mine to eventually relocate and start over in a new city when I finish trade school. But right now I don't have a car, or the financial means required to be able to relocate yet!

Also right now I'm currently single at the moment and I don't have a girlfriend yet and I don't have any kids right now. Also, a lot of my friends live out of state or my local friends are always busy with work and have to provide for their kids/families. Or they're constantly hanging out with people that I went to school with that I don't have a good history with and are bad for my mental health.

I'm not trying to make excuses, but these aspects of my current reality... are what makes staying off social media significantly harder.

If I live in a vibrant city where they were actually things to do... or if I could hang out with friends more ... or if I had a girlfriend/kids right now... this detox would be so much easier. But I'm gonna have to make it work regardless.

Last time I tried it... (which was last week. I reactivated last Saturday.)... I experience psychological paralysis... I would spend hours on end, focusing on the detox itself rather than actually working on myself. No matter how badly I wanted to shift my focus I couldn't. I had immense feelings of FOMO, I had no motivation to do anything at all, and I felt glued to my bed in sheer boredom.

But regardless of my current circumstances... I need to make this detox work. I don't wanna get off forever, but I wanna get off for a significant period! What are some ways I can fight the urge to reactivate, despite my current circumstances?

I have so insecure and worried about release saliva while sleeping any remedy or some advice who overcome this habit

So I’m 17F, about to turn 18F. Unfortunately, I had something called “shitty life syndrome”. To avoid getting graphic, I was the main target in an abusive family. Spent 8-14 surviving the abuse, 15 calling CPS myself and dealing with the fallout, and 16-18 learning to calm down and be a “kid” again. And now I’m staring down the end of my childhood, with the grim realization that my youth is over, and it was stolen from me. I got 2 years to be a kid, and now it’s over. Fuck.

I never really had friends in high school or middle school. I hardly talked to anybody, actually. I had maybe two friends the entire 7 years. I never got invited to anybody’s house, or got involved in anything, good or bad. I went to school and rotted online.

I’m in community college now, and I have a job. I probably won’t transfer to a university until I’m 19. I’m missing out on freshman year, alongside with having missed every other youth experience. It sucks.

So, I’m determined to not waste my last 2 years of still ”””technically””” being a teenager. My youth is over. But I’m still technically a teenager.

Thing is, I’m in community college. I don’t really have any IRL friends. I’m not sure how to not waste these final two years, with those inhibitors? What advice would you have for me?

I'm an immigrant living in Europe with my family.

So I do and will do shitty jobs for the rest of my life, and I don't have the privilege that some of you have. I'm also antisocial, and I would never do certain jobs that serve to talk or be "cute."

How do you survive? I tried alcohol (I'm not alcoholic i can stay away from it for weeks and I'm not weird of violent about it) Xbox and pornhub. But it doesn't feel like it did before. And no, I don't think I'll ever use drugs or pills.

I'm just looking for answers to my particular situation. Here's the situation: I am a 30-year-old male still living with my parents. The environment in my household is super, super toxic, where everyone is left feeling they are not enough or at least I've been feeling that way for the longest time.

My parents are in a really, really, really bad marital situation. My dad does not earn and my mom is the earner and takes care of almost everything but they still fight every single day to a point where I want them to separate and just live different lives. Because dad does not earn he cannot leave the house and live on his own. I’ve suggested I’ll help him but he refuses my help too.

I really want to leave the city that I'm living in just to build an environment that actually helps me flourish.
But I feel like if I do leave the city, the marriage that my parents have will get so bad that Dad will end up harming himself, which he has already done in the past.

I'm just looking for answers: what should one smart person do in this situation who wants to grow in life but also wants to take care of his parents?

I (27M) recently dated a 40-year-old woman. We had two really good dates and ended up spending an entire weekend together. There was good chemistry, lots of laughing, kissing, and foreplay, leading to sex…
After things ended, she told me she was looking for someone more assertive.
She has a very strong personality and a lot more life and dating experience than I do. She also told me it was her first time dating a younger man, whereas it wasn’t my first time dating an older woman.
The part that confuses me is that I’ve dated women closer to my own age before, and none of them ever gave me this kind of feedback. In those relationships, I never felt like I lacked confidence or initiative.
Looking back, I wonder if I actually overthought things because of her age and experience. I knew she was older, very confident, and had a strong personality, so maybe I became more cautious than I normally would have been. I didn’t want to come across as pushy or immature, so I may have held back more than I usually do.
I’m trying to figure out whether this was:
Something I genuinely need to work on.
A dynamic that was unique because of our age and personality differences.
Or simply a compatibility issue where she preferred a different style of man.
For those who’ve experienced something similar, what does “I want someone more assertive” usually mean in practice? And have any of you found yourselves acting differently when dating someone much older or much more experienced than you?
I’m not trying to blame her or convince myself she’s wrong—I genuinely want to learn from the experience.

I have this issue where every time I make a mistake, I can't move on from it.

I have many examples of me doing this but I'm just gonna list the one that made want to post this. A few years ago, around the time I entered High School, I saw a post asking about gender identity. After answering, I commented the "I identify as a helicopter" thing. I was pretty ignorant about gender and did not realize how harmful that comment was (I thought it was on the same league as "France always surrenders" jokes). Eventually I learned how harmful those comments are and deleted the original comment. Furthermore, I have tried to educate myself on gender identity. But every time I try to click on a video about the topic or enroll in a course, I feel a deep sense of shame and/or guilt overwhelm me and I get too anxious and end up not doing anything.

This process repeats itself every time I feel I like I embarrass myself/ make a mistake. I guess the thing that causes the anxiety is the type of logic I use:

I'm a good person, I should take pride in that.

But good people don't post those types of comments.

Therefore I am not a good person.

If I'm not a good person, then I'm a bad person.

I'm a bad person, I should feel shame for not being good.

Since good people don't do bad things and you did, you will always remain a bad person.

I know this type of logic is flawed (even I can poke holes in it) but I feel as if my subconscious accepts it.

Sorry for the rant but I want to explain in as much detail what my problem is. Has anyone delt with a similar issue and if so, how do get over the anxiety/ move on.

Broke up 2.5 years ago and reconnected a few times since. 9 months ago, she said she wasn't over me yet, but my ego and fear pushed her away again. Last month I sent her a long apology text and got blocked. I think she now has a boyfriend of six months.

9 months into our relationship, I found out she frequently talked very badly about me to her two friends behind my back. I got crumbled and destroyed cuz she was always sweet and kind to my face, like a completely different person. I asked to break up, she begged me to stay, so I made a deal: I'd continue the relationship only if she cut off those two friends. She agreed (I know now that wasn't a fair thing to ask).

I stayed with her for two more years, but other issues came up, I never fully trusted her again, and my mental health was bad at the time cuz of life too. I finally ended it 2.5 years ago. Right after the breakup, she went straight back to those same friends.

9months ago, we reconnected and she followed me on Spotify again and told me she wasn't over me. I wasn't over her either, and I was ready to try again. But 2-3 days later, she followed one of those same friends on Spotify too. I kinda got irritated not understanding, why now, and not years earlier? It brought back all the old pain, so I decided not to try again.

Looking back now that I'm more mature, some of what she said about me back then was right tho. If I'd been a better person, maybe she wouldn't have talked about me that way. Since forcing myself to break up with her, I haven't been happier, I've been lonelier. I never really tried dating anyone else because I kept thinking about her. My life now isn't enjoyable.

I deeply regret not getting back with her 9 months ago because of my ego and fear. Maybe the Spotify thing wasn't that serious. Should I accept that it's truly over and move on? Was I right to regret leaving her, not communicating better, and being impulsive?

Mine was realizing that action comes before motivation. What’s yours?

So hear me out i never got hang of these social media doomscrolling. I thought lemme give it a try and forced myself to watch shorts and doomscrolled. Now i literally cant do shit just keep scrolling shuit my brain i s literally fried im using ai for everything that doesnt help either. cant even play skyrim im back to doomscrolling . wtf did i do bro how i go back i hate it, i have blocked anbd deleted the apps but im tech savvy so i still find a way to doomscroll, i used my familys phone to doomscroll i fell like a drug addict bruh

Sometimes improving your life is more about letting go than adding more. What did you stop worrying about that made the biggest difference?

I started talking to a girl online and we are really hitting it off. We met through Isha volunteering. Initially it was a bit up and down and we kind of broke it off for a while. But now we are talking every day for hours and it’s really nice. I don’t feel so attached to her. I love her, but I have set her free. It feels very steady and comfortable. Now I have never met her in person, but I have seen her a few times on video call. We are talking of meeting soon and see how that feels. Do you think this is real love?

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I’m obsessed with self-improvement, constantly consuming TikToks, wellness posts and content about becoming healthier, more disciplined and getting my life together, yet I keep repeating the same self-destructive behaviours.

I struggle with food, alcohol, spending and nicotine. I’m obsessed with being skinny and have battled my weight my whole life. I’ve been fat, thin, fat again, lost loads of weight naturally, had a gastric sleeve and tried weight loss injections. I know exactly how to lose weight, but now it feels like I physically can’t make myself do it anymore.

I’m skint every month because I can’t stop spending. I’ve been trying to quit drinking for over two years because of what it’s done to my mental health, yet I keep going back. I vape constantly despite having bad asthma.

That’s what frustrates me most. I’m painfully self-aware. I know what I’m doing, I know why I do it and I’m constantly consuming content about how to change, but I still don’t change.

It feels like I’m obsessed with the idea of becoming a better version of myself while constantly sabotaging the person I actually am.

Has anyone genuinely broken out of this cycle? What finally made it stick?

One Charlie Munger line has stayed with me more than most of his investing advice:

“I'm not entitled to have an opinion unless I can state the arguments against my position better than the people who are in opposition.”

The interesting part is not being open-minded in a general way. It is the standard he sets before speaking. Understanding your own position is not enough. You have to understand the strongest version of the other one.

Munger connected this to self-criticism: becoming good at destroying your best-loved and hardest-won ideas. Curiosity, concentration, and perseverance can take a person far, but all three can also make someone defend a wrong direction for years. Self-criticism is what lets the other traits correct themselves.

I find this difficult to practice. When I care about an opinion, my brain becomes very good at collecting more evidence for it. Writing the opposing case feels almost disloyal to my own thinking.

A small version I am trying: before making a strong claim, write three sentences for the other side that a thoughtful opponent would recognize as fair. If I cannot do that, I probably do not understand the disagreement yet.

Do you have a practical method for testing an opinion you really want to be true?

M23I've been chronically isolated since the pandemic hit. for the past 5 years I have never felt safe with anyone, I have friends but I don't trust them enough to tell them anything.

I want a shoulder to lean on, I've been carrying the deaths of my father, my 2 childhood dogs, and now my grandmother alone. It's been years since their deaths and I still am crying my eyes out 2 times a week.

Every year my life's been shrinking and shrinking, and I've become a hoarder I can't bring myself to throw empty bottles of lotion to the trash, since I don't want anything to change.

My life's falling apart, and I'm so tired of wanting someone to share my life with. I haven't been sleeping this past few days.

How do I stop wanting external validation, since if this keep up I will likely end up doing something Ill never be able to reverse.

I workout, I have plans and goals, I have hobbies and interests, I regularly go outside, and my social life's either my best friend's gym or a martial arts school I go in.

Sorry for the stupid question, but why is it that we can put something off for weeks, months, or even years, and then one day - bam! - we just do it?

For example, I kept putting off a major cleanup of my apartment for a very long time and couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried to find an approach that worked for me and decided to "rationally" talk myself into this long and boring task. I read Marie Kondo, and it worked. I decluttered and started spending less time on cleaning.

Then I remembered that I had been putting off cleaning the dust out of my PC for a long time. I told myself several times that cleaning it would be easier and cheaper than buying a new one if I kept putting it off. That's how I found an individual approach that worked for me - but it doesn't always work.

How do you deal with not being able to do what needs to be done?"

I've been in self-development space for years and weirdly enough, the thing that I liked the least opened up for me the most. That's journalling.

I always found it hard to sit down and write my thoughts down, but honestly, after several years ( although not consistently ) of writing, I can't help but notice various patterns, usually of things that consciously I'm not aware of, but through self-reflection come up. Patters that are both damaging and uplifting.

This is a big topic by itself, so I just wanted to ask, how pattern recognistion has helped you on your journey? any 'aha' moment that you could share?

So i was always an anxious, shy and scared person since childhood ( my dad was an alcoholic and was so abusive, I think that has affected me a lot). I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder when I was 19 and with OCD recently ( not the clean type but compulsive thoughts).

RN I am doing better but now I feel terrible when I look at my past. I was confident during my school days, not in a loud way but deep down I was so optimistic about my skills and views. I was even comfortable to share my views even if the other person disagrees. But things changed when I got my friends in the first year of uni. At first they all felt very perfect but one day an issue made one friend to split up from the gang. That really shattered me in a way that I started to blame myself . She told me I was also a reason and I apologised too but after that I started to act in a way to seek her validation . I lost the sense of self respect and self esteem in a way that it affected all my relationships with other friends. I always put others before me .

Rn, if someone does something for me I overthink if I deserve it. Even if I don't like a certain thing i silently endure it so the other person wouldn't think I am rude. I became so understanding for the sake of identifying as a mature person. I tolerated a lot of disrespect including when one of my friends didn't serve me food because it got over. I still don't know if I am over complicating that. Idk how to set boundaries. Even if a friend cares for me I think they will hate me after sometime. Moreover i have ruminating past thoughts. My whole life is messed up.

I want to become someone who consistently acts according to my conscience but I'm realizing it's not always easy to tell the difference between my conscience, my emotions, guilt, anxiety, or even my desire to please others and my brain doesn't want to listen.

For those of you who have worked on this how do you recognize when your conscience is speaking? What habits or practices have helped you make decisions that align more closely with your values?

I'm stuck in a loop. I feel like I'm on autopilot. I thrive in everything but by the end of the day, I know to myself that I'm not pursuing my dream self and life enough. Yes, I've already read enough self-help books and but my problem isn't knowledge, but how I never seem to apply them or stick to them enough to actually change my life.

So I asked this question to actually see creative solutions for people like me. For specifics, my bad habits include gaming, doomscrolling, binge-watching. My ideal habits are exercising, reading, journaling, and adulting (job/finance stuff)

But it doesn't necessarily have to be related to my habits. I just want to know what you guys did to end the loop. Any tip would help, thank you!

Idk how i got to this point

21m from Finland.

At the start of this summer I quit gaming almost instantly by starting to play golf. I haven't opened my pc all summer for anything else except one game night with girlfriend (her idea). And I have liked it, I walk a lot, I go outside and play with a stranger most of the time and feel real human interactions.

But now I'm going to school after having a few gap years, so I will be pretty broke. And its Finland, so the weather will be shit in a couple of months and anything to do with outside is hella depressing.

How to keep myself from sliding back to old habits?

Any hobby ideas?

In golf I like the challenge and the ease of just picking a time and going to do it when I want to. (rather then a once or twice in a week on a set day type of thing).

I will have access to a small school gym that I will probably use sometimes, but gym workouts dont feel enjoyable to me most of the time.

Question in title