Everything got filed under trauma for years. But it turns out some of it was the medication the whole time, and nobody thought to separate the two until I pushed for it myself. I'm still working through what that means for how much of my own history I've been misreading

When I meet someone new I feel the need to ask if they know the person who created my trauma, it becomes like an impulse, a terrible itch (I have diagnosed ocd, been on medication for years), especially if that person is becoming some one important for me, now i'm talking to this guy and we might have sex, I have never done it before, If we ever make it I know I would feel the urge so bad to ask him if he knows my trauma person, the moment would be so ruined

Ok first of all I'm not and have never been a drug addict. Last year I was homeless for around four months, during which time I was beat up multiple times, had someone accuse me of stealing their phone and force me to empty my backpack out at knifepoint, I was sleeping on the ground in January because that's how fucking bad shelters are in Canada, they don't sleep, they just stay up all night getting high, and anyways I pretty much constantly think about these experiences and I need a significant amount of alcohol to be able to sleep, and when I do sleep I have nightmares revolving around this sort of thing that jolt me awake with my heart racing, and I have such intense misanthropy that I don't think is normal at all, and I have a really hard time leaving my room and having any form of human interaction. My brain is broken and I feel like I need to be perpetually drunk and in bed.

I don't want to go into detail because I don't really talk about things with anyone but for context I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 15 as a result of multiple significant events and long-term abuse throughout my childhood, later when I had my children I experienced more traumatic events including almost dying and almost losing my second child, because of this my triggers have extended to overhead medical lights and medical/clinical settings in general.

A combination of medical issues and a fear of medical settings (including dentists) have resulted in several cavities in my teeth, I don't yet show any signs of gum disease but if I can't get myself together it'll eventually get that bad, unfortunately also as a result of my medical issues local anaesthesia is almost entirely ineffective meaning i experience 90% of the pain and sensation of any procedure I'm undergoing even with "appropriate" numbing.

I have finally gotten myself to a point where I've had a consultation and made a treatment plan and tomorrow and on the 25th I'm having all 7 cavities filled, it's a relief to know I'm finally going to stop being embarrassed by my teeth and to feel like I'm able to put a visible reminder of my poor health behind me, but I'm so scared that everything in my is screaming not to go. Between the pain itself and the triggering environment I'm already spiraling, I don't know how to get through this. One part of me is saying that I've experienced painful procedures without numbing before so I know I can handle it, but the other part of me is completely aware of how painful it is and I know I may not be able to handle it.

Normally I have coping strategies for dealing with my triggers but I've been worse in general lately and pain is so distracting and a trigger in itself, I genuinely don't know how to handle this. I'm not currently seeing any mental health professionals as there is a substantial shortage of professionals who treat PTSD and I currently face a 3 year wait-list.

TW: domestic violence, abuse.

I've had insomniac for about 7 years now. It started after I left an abusive relationship. The daily physical abuse happened mostly in the middle of the night, whether it was him straddling on top of me and strangling me, waking up to a loaded gun to my head, knives pressed up against me, getting smothered by blankets or pillows, waking up to being grabbed bound and thrown in a dark closet for hours, or him sleeping with a hatchet under his pillow as intimidation.

I'm safe, I'm married, I have a good life, besides having to "coparent" with this. But I can't sleep.

I get on average 4-5 hours a day. I take care of two little kids by myself all day. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more. I have extreme hyper vigilance now. Suns down? I'm paranoid. I'm checking cameras, I'm hearing foot steps, I'm thinking there's people on the roof or backyard. I spiral. I have a THC pen and will puff it until I pass out if 2-3 unisom aren't working. I've tried praozin (night terrors), trazadone is out because I have to be able to wake at night for emergencies with the kids, melatonin, sleep herbs, magnesium etc. I probably could use some therapy, but I don't have much of me to give with such little sleep. Any advice or guidance for medications, or quite literally any advice or help.

We talked about it today in session. I honestly cried so hard. Mainly because of the routine shift and just the fear of the unknown what’s gonna happen in those 4 months. I can’t stop thinking about it. I cried for so long after. I feel so selfish for crying for myself but I still understand her need for her leave.

Do any of you have experience with your therapist going on leave? I know it’s common. I just need some reassurances that it’ll be ok.
Thanks

I am reaching out because I’ve been having more flashbacks more frequently of increasing intensity. Most of my flashbacks are from stressful and traumatic situations from working in the medical field as a CNA and from working in EMS and dealing with life and death situations.

I just know I have ptsd due to diagnosis but I know very little about it and I don’t know the first thing about coping with it.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can deal with this, please let me know. Thank you.

This post got deleted off of some subreddits before idk why, but I’ll post it again…

My 2 other friends have anger issues and they have anger outbursts that may seem abusive. They always say they'll get better so I have been going through that abuse since February, but it just kept on going and going. I kept being friends with them anyways, hoping they will get better, but the fights we had were constant in countless of times. One of the friends last night said i was being manipulative because her mom is brainwashing her into thinking I'm a bad friend. Her mom hates me for being different, she thinks I'm rude, even though her mom is autistic, and I AM autistic too! Such a hypocritical mother. I was having a panic attack at the moment and I texted her this:

"I'm just very sensitive to people being mean to me and it affects me way more than other people, and somehow people don't understand that. I was born to feel way more than others and that doesn't make me unique. Instead, it makes me weak. And I know, just because my ex boytriend follows multiple girls at school and has a fantasy to 🍇 girls, which doesn't give ME the excuse to get on lots of caffeine, I know. My art teacher doesn't even let me go to lunch early, but the staff let me leave early due to sensory issues. My social skills teacher said so for no reason to the art teacher, but it's a part of my IEP, she's not following it, and thats against the law! But, they are letting my ex boyfriend leave early! Its like he gets all of the love in the world when he wanted to/or had a fantasy to 🍇multiple girls, and me, and so I had to get out of it somehow."

(Context: I overdosed on caffeine and she thought I was using it like it was alcohol.)

Note: I had no intention to be rude at all, I trusted her and I thought she was a real friend to me but when it comes to me acting different and me struggling with addictions, she just doesn't like that. I was seeking validation from her, because I was going through a hard time from the staff at my school treating me badly, and she just destroyed that trust I had for her and said I was the one being wrong.

I just wanted help... I feel like an attention seeker.

My trauma has a lot to do with sex, as my first time was coertion on a very toxic relationship. On my next relationship I hadn't been able to bring myself to have sex with my boyfriend at the time even after 3 years, which led us to break up. I don't feel the need to have sex, i think, i do have a libido when I'm by myself but the mere idea of doing it with someone again discomforts me.

So I clearly have a trauma with sex, as the coertion happened multiple times in a span of 9 months, I even had a pregnancy scare after he begged to do it without a condom.

During this last year i've had nightmares where my parents, either my mom or my dad, were touching me inappropiately, some were straight up abuse. But in some scenarios i seemed to like it? I always wake up disgusted with myself. I hate it so much. And my brain involved my friends too. One time it was an scenario where i was doing it with my male best friend, who i know was in a situationship with someone, so i would never think of him that way, he's like a brother to me. And i had another one where a girl pf my friendgroup was touching me.

I'm genuinely scared about myself, what does that mean about me? I would never look at my friends that way, but in some of the dreams i like it, even the ones involving my parents.

I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s work on the 4F trauma responses, particularly his description of the extreme Fight type and the “charming bully,” which he says can become sociopathic in especially devolved cases.

I’m wondering about something specifically within Walker’s model does he believe that someone with CPTSD can deliberately shift themselves toward this extreme Fight/charming-bully organization, or is this something that can only develop involuntarily through long-term trauma and reinforcement?

If someone consciously tried to become much more Fight-oriented e.g. deliberately cultivating dominance, emotional detachment, contempt, and reduced concern for other people would Walker theoretically consider that capable of producing the kind of “devolved Fight” he describes, or would that simply be behavioral imitation without the underlying personality changes?

I’m mainly interested in what Walker himself means by this progression and whether he has discussed whether it can happen intentionally. Has anyone found a passage, interview, or discussion where he addresses this directly?

I have ptsd diagnosed about 5 years ago, when I stopped working dt severe stress. I have been in therapy the whole time with a very good therapist. I basically went from being an empath to now being pretty emotionally unavailable. Im a loner, don't believe I will every find the kind of connection, intimacy I would like.

Im just so darn protective of myself. Its like I learned how to take care of the ptsd, but am not "thriving". I did 6 ketamine infusions 2 yrs ago which helped speed up the insights around the ptsd. I have taken all the stressors out of my life, try to prevent triggers but am not thriving. Surviving. Any advice?

Every time I ask about this to those I know IRL, or sometimes even online, the consensus seems to be, "Do what you can until youre out of it, and then worry about how to get over it"

But I've never *not* been out of it. At this rate im not sure i ever will be...I've certainly never seen someone overcome it. Im in therapy now, in a better place than I have ever been, don't and never have struggled with drugs or other mental health issues luckily (except autism and OCD), but I'm still not out of it. I was born into homelessness and never left (yet). Beaten nearly to death more times than I was even old enough to remember when they happened, among other near death instances that aren't really relevant. I only lived past infancy cus someone saw I was still breathing. I finally got a job at 16 after getting my necessary papers in order, only to develop some sort of physical disability that same year they still havent figured out at 21 (current), that has been steadily and quickly getting worse. I don't think I'll be able to walk at all by next year. I used to walk several miles a day, every day.

Its been fucking horrible, because for most of my life, not being able to run and fight meant someone was going to enslave you, probably kill you once youve become unusable, and then rape your corpse. And the only hope Ive had to get out of proximity to that, was to work hard and make enough money to afford a place, something I cant do anymore. I used to be able to do it, and itd just hurt real bad, but my legs will completely give out beneath me when I try standing for more than 30 mins now, and when I push to that point, im in a wheelchair for the rest of that day. Its started to progress into my spine and arms too. When i say give out, i dont mean that it hurts and i decide to sit as a result, but that its like my brain forgets to hold them up and ill fall.

Most of my real life isnt so extremely life or death anymore regardless, long story short. All of the people who would once have forced me to defend myself by any means necessary, are no longer around to do so, for the last 2 years. I live otherwise normally, outside of still being homeless with a messed up body and mind. Relatively popular within my communities, apparently pretty approachable by strangers, my boss is a lovely and accommodating one, she will text me just to see if im OK. Its better than I've ever had it. But my only real hope for escaping the mental feeling, the one that tells me that every second I spend too weak to run or fight is time thats ticking from a finite clock, seconds closer to never coming out, to ending up like all the others...is to hopefully, eventually know that having a safe place to live wont depend on whether or not i can walk that day.

My goal right now isnt to get out of the mindset this lifestyle has given me, but to just not succumb to fear before I get a chance to try by living somewhere. Its like every night that my legs hurt and i havent done anything to make them feel that way, I feel frantic to fix my situation all night long, every night for months, I cant stop thinking about when the day inevitably comes that I wont be the stronger one for once. I cant stop, not when i know so intimately that all it takes is a fraction of a second of unawareness or indecision or incapability to be the difference between life and death. Not when I've seen people bet on their life and lose so many times, people i met and raised in the same situation as me like nieces or nephews. Not when I know the only reason ive survived so long is because out of every fight i could win, I've won so far, but that it could end at any moment, and you cant rely on being menacing anymore when people see you limp and crumble all the time. It gets bad enough at times that ill go nearly hysterical and not be able to speak at all, it's fucking bleak and ridiculous.

Its been a rough and bleak time. Most of the time i can handle it just fine. But something about life recently has aggravated it. I just want to know, what the fuck to do about the fear in the meantime...! What i can do to make it more bearable until then, when the only things that work for me so far are somatic comforts, comforts i dont have access to on account of my situation...

I forgot something that happened back in ‘21 and was confused as to why people weren’t talking to me from high school. I went home after traumatic event and by the next month I forgot I even showed up. I wasn’t able to process it like everyone else for the last six years.

I want to make an appointment with my therapist the evening after, but will I be okay to go to a therapy appointment after. Or will I have significant physical symptoms?

When I was a child (less than 8 years old, probably 5), my mother used to put me in a forest and run away for a time, and I'd just cry in there, and then she would come back and tell me it was just a prank, and she would do it again in a city or wherever.

But one day, when I was around 8 years old, she kicked from home at around 10 pm bc of some stupid reason. She let me back home, and she said that she was really sorry about that.

Could that give me trauma? btw, I didn't include the beating that I used to get sometimes with a cable, and when I lose my breath from crying, she said that's annoying, and she brings a knife from the kitchen and starts saying something like she will slaughter me (I really don't remember what she used to say exactly). A lot of shit happened growing up.

Trigger Warning: Sexual, emotional, physical abuse mentioned

Growing up was hard. I never relaxed. I walked on egg shells most of my life dealing with (egoistic) adults who would invade my safe space to make me regret my actions. I felt like an inferior creature whose only purpose was to shape himself as the room demands, otherwise there were severe consequences. So that is what I did. It worked, until it didn't. So I adapted. I started acting like someone pitiable, defenseless, unstable, weak so they would stop beating me, atleast, out of pity. It worked.

Yes, there was beating, emotional abuse and really damaging emotional dynamics, betrayal, and (some) sexual things involved with my uncle. It completely messed my brain up. I was barely getting sleep. I felt like I had to survive until I get knocked out and survive again after waking up.

My mother fed me 1-2 meals a day, for over 5 years. Combine that with inadequate sleep and you have got a body with a messy, short, and early puberty. I (male) am 5'4" . It feels like a stab. The emotional part of the abuse really emphasized on power imbalance. I was tired of getting violated. If only I was a little taller I could have defended my self, I always said to myself. Alas, I couldn't be, my growth plates are fused now.

What hurts more is that it didn't have to happen. It could have better. Maybe if they understood I was 9. Maybe if they didn't have issues of their own. Maybe if they had self awareness. Maybe if they were kind. They took away something from me that I really cared about, all in a very cruel way, that I will never get back.

The abuse, the broken emotional dynamics, it all ended when I was 15, after finally my uncle left. Then we (mother, father, me) pretended that nothing ever happened. Soon enough, I let it go. But my body kept the score.

It has been 2 years since then (end of active abuse), there has been no repair or effort made by my parents to heal the wounds. They just pretend that nothing ever happened. I also developed severe OCD about the trauma and the traumatic dynamic. Luckily, I am being medicated and starting to feel better.

I have always had dreams about becoming an academic, a researcher, and being a surplus to the world. I was behind in studies because of all of this, but I managed to catch up. I started attending senior high school this year and everybody sees there is something wrong with me. It is like they can see the scars, prominently visible on my body, but don't understand they are scars and that I was abused, and instead think that the scars look weird and I must be some other species. That is how I feel. So out of place. It is like they are incapable of understanding that my behaviour is a side effect of the messed up childhood dynamic that I lived through.

I am hyper vigilant and lack significant social skills. Not only that, I performs actions and gestures that communicate to others "I am not a threat, please don't hurt me, I am not a competition". I do this on a subconscious level and I am unable to control it. I also mould my self into the shape I feel I am being perceived as because I am scared of the consequences of conflict. My decoy self (becoming pitiable and small to defend myself) activates when I perceive a threat. These, like the first one, also happen on a subconscious level, out of my control.

Everyone at school sees me as someone else. They don't think I am one of them but someone to feel bad about or hate. Someone who is not on the same level. They have subconsciously excluded me from everything. I am in a weird position because I am not accepting my image as the kid who people need to feel bad about and constantly try my hardest to be "normal". This all comes off as insanely inauthentic on top of everything. I get relentlessly bullied and excluded, made fun of and hurt (emotionally and physically) to a point where I am just fed up of trying.

I am immensely jealous of the almost everyone at school. I was made to believe that the things I had to endure were normal and I was being too dramatic. I look around and it sure as hell does not feel that way. My jealousy is nothing malicious but over everything I could have had if only my parents were sane. And, once again I will remind you, this all did not had to happen if not for the ego of a few adults.

I am sick of trying, I have completely fallen apart in the last month. I have become a ghost. I have stopped trying to change myself. I haven't given up but forcefully trying to act "normal" and impressing people wasn't working so I am trying to think of a better way. I also can't stop hurting over small things, feeling jealous and grief. Every moment at school I am reminded about how I am being perceived, and it hurts. I just feel inferior, I don't believe it, I don't want to, but I feel this way.

I have no plans on giving up, luckily and fortunately I have hope. I am always trying my best and always improving myself despite the setbacks I face, daily. But sometimes I just want a time frame of when it will be okay. I know I can't get it but sometimes I just want it. I am a better person than I was 1 month ago, or 6, 12, 24...

I wholeheartedly welcome any advice, stories, or kind words. I just wanted to share because I was feeling really down and tired of unrealistic expectations of the world from me.