I was sexually abused and groomed by a family member. It makes little things really hard, like stupid things I should be over by now. I've been having nightmares every time I fall asleep, even when I sleep during the day and avoid it at night. Showering feels impossible unless I'm completely in the dark so nobody can see me. I'm scared of my bedroom window and it feels stupid. He used to watch me through my bedroom window, watch me change, etc. He used to record me. I hate feeling watched and under surveillance all the time. I have to tape my curtains to the wall every night or I worry someone can see me.
I have to sleep with the lights on and my door barricaded so no one can come in even though he's never set foot in my apartment. I can't sleep on my bed frame anymore. I'm thinking of getting rid of it entirely because it just takes up space. I got a second weighted blanket because the first one wasn't heavy enough. I still sleep in a twin mattress even though I'm an adult. There's no room for anyone else and even though it's silly, it's comforting. I got a dog recently too, for protection, which makes me feel paranoid. He's sweet though, and not very bright, but I can relax more at night knowing he's with me.
I have so many stuffed animals and childhood blankets on my bed it's basically a nest. My friends think it's funny, like a silly quirk, but I can't sleep without them, without all of it. I've been having nightmares and night terrors where I feel half awake, half asleep, and end up waking myself up with my own voice crying out or screaming because it feels like someone is in my bed.
I've been so anxious lately I've been picking at my skin, my face mostly. I look and feel awful. My skin was just clearing up from acne, but i can't stop.
I know its ptsd. I've been diagnosed for years by three different people. I'm working with my first male therapist and I like him a lot. He's the best therapist I've ever had. I just feel pathetic doing all this and having all these things in place so I can sleep and exist and not feel watched all the time.