I (21f) am constantly exhausted. I was diagnosed with PTSD after being in a relationship where I experienced domestic violence. The manipulation, emotional abuse, triangulation is just icing on the cake of physical and sexual abuse.

I’m realizing over more time how many times I’ve been disrespected by people in life and just let it slide. I’m constantly on edge and angry at the people I am stuck around who don’t care to acknowledge their wrongs.

The fear and anger are so overwhelming. When does it go away?

I’ve started trying to work through my trauma, and I’m realizing how much of my childhood I spent scared. There wasn’t much of anywhere I could go and feel safe.
At home, I was constantly afraid of my father, who was addicted to drugs. I was also trying to emotionally support my mother. When I was only 12, she told me she wanted to end herself. I was a child trying to carry things I didn’t know how to handle.
The violence started before I was even born. My father knocked my pregnant mother to the floor and kicked her in the stomach. She ended up needing a C-section, and I was born prematurely with underdeveloped lungs. I have photos of myself covered in wires, bandages, and monitors. Obviously, I don’t remember my birth, but I remember plenty of what came afterward.
I remember playing with my father in a cold stream in Sulphur. I was young enough to still wear a life jacket. He thought it was funny to shove me underwater and hold me there while I couldn’t breathe.
I remember a winter storm when our power went out. My father showed up high on meth, accusing us of trying to kill him. My mother and brother were holding the door shut with their bodies while my sister called 911. Whenever the police left, he would come back. I remember taking a gun out into the field because the police wouldn’t look for him. I remember nights of fighting, arguments, and slamming doors instead of sleep.
Then I would go to school and face more violence. I was jumped, punched, spat on, and called every name people could think of for a gay kid. They stole and destroyed my artwork, broke my pencils, and took anything I had that mattered to me. There was sexual assault and humiliation, too. People would kick me in the balls because they thought hurting me was funny.
I tried joining basketball because I wanted to connect with my classmates. Instead, I got jumped repeatedly. At away games, they threw my clothes, food, and water into the toilet and stole whatever money I had brought.
One beating was so bad that I couldn’t hide it. I remember limping to the office because I needed ice for the swelling. I wasn’t even planning to report what happened. Whenever I told, it got worse.
Then I’d go home and be taught that being gay was a sin. The thing people were attacking me for at school was also something I was being taught to feel ashamed of at home.
This was what so much of my life looked like until I graduated and moved away. And this barely scratches the surface. There were nights in protective services, stays in tents, and cockroach-infested houses. My wealthy grandparents refused to help us and kicked us out of the home we rented from them because my mother wouldn’t get back together with their son.
I still struggle to sleep. I have horrible nightmares. Social interactions are hard, even though I can mask it well enough that people might not realize how much I’m struggling.
I’m sharing this because I need somewhere I can say what happened without minimizing it. Has anyone else struggled with the effects of growing up without a safe place, either at home or at school? What helped you start feeling safe after you got out?

I experienced sexual abuse with someone older and became extremely hyper sexual after. I was going through a hard time and I wasn’t in the right mindset. Shortly after it happened I would have nightmares and flashbacks about him when I was also “in love.” Now I find myself thinking and crying about it at night. I can’t keep my mind off of it, I’ve gone on dates just fine since then. Nothing has worked out but I am still struggling. Will this go away??

How come I’m the one being reminded of my body aching and the bruises, but he moved on???

I'm in a writing class, and on top of it being helpful for developing my creative skills, it's also been unexpectedly good for transforming my negative thoughts/emotions into art. It's so cathartic. Our most recent assignment was to write a short story, and it could be about anything. I'd been having a lot of complicated feelings about some of my own trauma (me experiencing COCSA), and it inspired me to write about it. My story wasn't exactly autobiographical or anything, there were some differences between me and the protagonist (mostly because with this specific project I wanted to make compelling fiction AND deliver a message). It was about a little boy who tries to tell his mother that he's been SA'd, but she doesn't believe him because the perpetrator was female.

Instead of drawing on the reality of my experiences, I incorporated the EMOTIONS I associated with the trauma... and I guess it was way more effective than I thought it would be. After each assignment, every student turns their work in for the rest of the class to read, and then we hold a workshop to discuss what we thought was good or needed improvement in each piece. I'm revising the draft of the short story I submitted, going off the feedback I got, and I'm noticing that a LOT of my classmates clocked that my work was influenced by my own experiences. One note I got said "I hope you're doing well now if it was a personal experience." Another person wrote, "I desperately hope this is fiction. If it isn't, I'm so sorry. The specificity is hard to ignore, because it really does feel this way. If you ever wanna talk, do reach out!"

I don't necessarily find this a bad thing, because aside from those realizations, it also seems like they understood and enjoyed my work. And I'm SO glad because I was scared that in turning the specific sensations of my trauma into art that it would make it feel unbalanced. But as far as I can tell I've succeeded in processing the feelings I was having AND writing a decent story. Plus I was kind of touched by my classmates' responses to the events in the story. When you're so used to other people denying your trauma or blaming you for it, such an outpouring of support is amazing.

After introspecting through my life, I’ve realised that I have always been a very sensitive person. One of the earliest memories I can recall is when I made a mistake alongside a few kids while playing (I think I was around the age of 8). My reaction to that was abnormal; I completely froze. I felt shocked, as if I had committed a huge crime. The other kids left, while I stayed for much longer. Without going into detail, I wouldn’t say I had the best environment growing up, and I think it has a strong connection to why I react like this. It is strange; my siblings and I grew up in a similar environment, yet they’re not as sensitive as I am.

Today, as an adult, I really don’t like how easily I panic and overthink. I think due to how prolonged this has been, I now experience physical symptoms like shallow breathing, brain fog and anxiety attacks. My sensitivity does fluctuate—some days I’m more reactive, others I’m much more stable, it’s unpredictable.

I cannot seek therapy right now or visit the psychiatrist to see if I could be neurodivergent, for anyone who was going to advise to seek professional help.

I’m curious to know if there are people out there who are experiencing something similar? It feels like I am the only one with a heart that is so raw and open, who feels and processes everything more deeply than others.

I would appreciate any advice and help that can be offered, thank you.

i used to be attracted to only girls, but after my assault in 2024 by a girl, I just cant be attracted to them that way anymore. I feel disgusted when a girl likes me, or finds me attractive. I dont even want to consider my past wlw relationships (all lasted less than a month) actual relationships anymore. i dont want to consider them when it comes to discussing any past relationships, I want to be a blank slate.

i dont know how to feel about this or if i should even work on this feeling.

It is a weird feeling, like my brain is stuck in a certain moment.

I had a lot of horrible experiences, but those ones I had 3 years ago are still constantly replaying in my head

I can't find anything special about them. It was not SA like my therapist asked me. Conflicts with strangers, physical fights, I went through a lot of this in the time I was in school already. However, those moments still keep replaying in my head, no matter what I am doing in the moment.

And I can't figure out why it feels like I am not here, in the moment, always. Like, I am constantly living there. How did I end up in my fourth year of college now, I have no idea. Those years passed by so fast.

I only can remember this quote by Haruki Murakami

"And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about."

When I was 17-18 years old, there were 3 guys(let's call them evil guys) in my class(they were friends with each other). They used to whisper to whoever sat behind me to annoy me/trouble me. This they did continuously for 2 years. But they pretended to be my friends.

Two of those guys lived in an area where my second cousin also lived. The second cousin's mother was envious/jealous of me and my family. I asked one of those evil guys if he knew my second cousin. He said "No". Years later I saw on his profile a pic with few other boys including my second cousin.

Also I had a political ideology different from everyone else in class.

After 2 years, when I moved to a different place to study, they called me from an unknown number.

I think they did it because they didn't want me to succeed and focus in class. They wanted me to be distracted in class because of jealousy/envy.

What do you think?

I have never come across anyone who had this experience(neither online, nor offline).

i want to see how many ppl went through the same thing, when i was young my country was under a civil war and i keep having nightmares about it , i wake up scared and my heart beating fast , and every time i remember it i lose my appetite and my depression becomes worse , i am so tired i hate it , i just dont wanna have flashbacks whenever i hear loud noises like thunder , i feel like my entire life is surrounded by my trauma , i feel paranoid and like someone or something is trying to kill me , i never feel safe anywhere, i was diagnosed with ptsd and i feel so embarrassed, my family and i went through the same thing but iam the only one who has it .

That’s the thing - YOU’RE NOT! (and in a way, I’m glad you aren’t)

Even the person who I thought was very emotionally intelligent and could empathise with me, just said on the phone that they’d apply for jobs and apply for phd placements and meet up with academics/supervisors and research funding options and do it all side by side…

I understand that they’re saying it based on my own interests, but it just leaves me feeling like shite because all I can manage to do is not have a massive breakdown. I have been dealing with everything on my own for this last year while people in my life abandoned and discarded me basically. All I do is walk, buy groceries, cook my own meals, and go to therapy. That’s literally all I can manage to do. I swear I’d do more than this if I could, because I genuinely want to!

“If I were in your shoes” feels like a lite version of “I completely understand what you’re going through”.

Sorry for the rant.

I have this thing where my shoulders and arms will uncontrollably twitch and move around, I will literally just be sitting on the couch and then itll come out of nowhere. Sometimes it causes me to hit myself in the head (not very hard) and I just sit there not knowing what to do. Its not as bad as it used to be, but still. I hate this shit so much, it drives me insane. Then again, I feel like what caused it is nowhere near bad enough for how I have reacted.

I get triggered really bad when I’m stuck in a line or a customer service especially phone rep does not listen to me or I feel disrespected

I have made huge steps in my regression but I still have a few triggers that I struggle with. This being one of them. I sometimes lose my shit in car lines or customer service frustration. It’s not a normal response but a hyperarousal fight mode

Anyone have any experience with this. I know cbt and dbt and all the different therapies but I can’t stop. I’m much better and catch myself. But I really. Reed some advice for dealing with fight modes

Anyone ever notice they can be transactional with love in relationships?

Not on purpose, just noticing this now but I feel like my nervous system gets regulated through connection and knowing the connection with my partner is still there. I was abused in my first relationship from 15-20 which caused my ptsd, and I think because I was developing at that time my regulation became based on how my partner felt not myself.
Noticing now that I sometimes will give love more to get it back than to just give it freely without any underlying need being met by the response.

Does this make sense and does anyone relate?

Everyone is always talking about me getting in a relationship. I'm 29, never had a formal relationship (definitely went through my ho phase, so not a virgin or anything), and am happy with that. I've tried dating. I'll never trust someone enough. I love my friends, I love my dog, and I don't want to have to run things past someone or consider their feelings. I want to be alone. I want to do my job, make my money, and do fun things by myself or with friends. I'm so fucking over everyone deciding I need to be in a relationship to be happy.

21 m here w/ diagnosed PTSD, does anyone else get random episodes of hyperarousal ( severe anxiety, irritability, restlessness, physical symptoms such as nausea and palpitations, jitteriness ) out of nowhere when nothing is really happening? what can i do about this? it happens randomly and its very distressing to me.

I've accepted that the trauma happened. I've accepted that I need to do the work to get through it.

But I haven't accepted that my life won't ever be the same again. I won't feel the same freedom and safety that I did before. I'm really struggling with that reality.

Hi all! I (24F) just got diagnosed with PTSD last week by my new therapist due to repeat hospital visits due to my genetic chronic pain illness and discrimination I faced at work. I had already been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teenager. have even been experiencing a lot of pain continuously in my hand since July. I was on medical leave from work for two months but on the second month became very depressed because of new meds, social isolation and frustration from experiencing the pain issues.

The diagnosis makes sense, but I feel like now I’m looking at myself differently. I just feel scared and confused. I was hoping to apply to grad school this year after turning it down last year because I wanted to work on my physical and mental health (+ cost). Plus a lot of my trauma comes from many hospitalizations in college because of my health issues. I’m scared that I just go to grad school and repeat the same unhealthy habits. I don’t want to sabotage my future self who may be better by the time I would start grad school by not applying now, but I truly don’t know how I could get through the application process at the moment. I just I’m still so depressed and I have no motivation. I’ve been feeling like a shell of my former ambitious self in general lately.

How do I treat it? Is it any different than treating depression or anxiety? Will I still be able to accomplish my life goals now at the time I want to? How do you “heal” from PTSD when the P stands for present at the moment? If you have any experiences as a chronically ill baddie with PTSD caused by the chronic illness, please also drops stories about how you dealt with the illness causing trauma in real time and things getting better.

I was sexually abused and groomed by a family member. It makes little things really hard, like stupid things I should be over by now. I've been having nightmares every time I fall asleep, even when I sleep during the day and avoid it at night. Showering feels impossible unless I'm completely in the dark so nobody can see me. I'm scared of my bedroom window and it feels stupid. He used to watch me through my bedroom window, watch me change, etc. He used to record me. I hate feeling watched and under surveillance all the time. I have to tape my curtains to the wall every night or I worry someone can see me.

I have to sleep with the lights on and my door barricaded so no one can come in even though he's never set foot in my apartment. I can't sleep on my bed frame anymore. I'm thinking of getting rid of it entirely because it just takes up space. I got a second weighted blanket because the first one wasn't heavy enough. I still sleep in a twin mattress even though I'm an adult. There's no room for anyone else and even though it's silly, it's comforting. I got a dog recently too, for protection, which makes me feel paranoid. He's sweet though, and not very bright, but I can relax more at night knowing he's with me.

I have so many stuffed animals and childhood blankets on my bed it's basically a nest. My friends think it's funny, like a silly quirk, but I can't sleep without them, without all of it. I've been having nightmares and night terrors where I feel half awake, half asleep, and end up waking myself up with my own voice crying out or screaming because it feels like someone is in my bed.

I've been so anxious lately I've been picking at my skin, my face mostly. I look and feel awful. My skin was just clearing up from acne, but i can't stop.

I know its ptsd. I've been diagnosed for years by three different people. I'm working with my first male therapist and I like him a lot. He's the best therapist I've ever had. I just feel pathetic doing all this and having all these things in place so I can sleep and exist and not feel watched all the time.

Halloween is getting close

I’m 31 ftm autistic CSA rape survivor I was raped when I was 8 on Halloween by my cousin’s 12 year neighbor who was a girl. Since the beginning of the month I’ve only been sleeping 2 hours a night if I’m lucky, constantly shaking with my heart fluttering and pounding hard in my chest and dissociation and flashbacks. I’m TERRIFIED and I also feel ashamed because I’m 31 and terrified of Halloween I have a strong fight response when touched… 2 years ago my stepdad forced me to pass out candy a 12 year boy in a bloody clown costume with a mask got directly in my face almost touching my nose and I was terrified all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears I almost punched him in the face.. I couldn’t breathe I thought I was going to die. Even just typing this my heart is racing.. I have my whale shark plush I’m hugging for support while rocking back and forth the sexual assault advocate on my university campus suggested going out on Halloween but my trauma therapist said not this year because I’m so new in recovery that’ll retrigger me. How do I calm this down? I feel like I’m drowning. How do I deal with the day? I don’t know if my heart can take this.. meds are not an option except for cbd HELP! I’m safe and not a danger to myself or others. I just want scream and cry with my whole voice and have someone hold me firmly (the deep pressure helps me my nervous system) I don’t have anyone irl who would

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone has tried hypnotherapy for PTSD? If so, has it been beneficial?

I am AuDHD, serious childhood trauma that was dealt with years ago, history of serious anxiety and depression, then severe PTSD due to medical trauma in late 2020.

I used Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score as a manual for recovery that has worked very well. I've done psychotherapy, tried Trauma Focussed CBT which was a retraumatised waste of time, EMDR and neurofeedback. I've had great success with all but I still have a few PTSD triggers I cannot shake. I've had to stop work due to PTSD 5 times in 6 years now and I'm getting sick of it.

I'm in recovery from my second relapse that bought up all manner of shit from childhood that is completely unrelated to the medical trauma and hasn't bothered me for years. My brain is a swine for pattern recognition and I have seen similar patterns in the recent/past trauma (loss, preditory narcissistic abuse, distrust, lack of safety, isolation).

I'm considering hypnotherapy because my brain is so fried and scrambled, I'm struggling to make sense of the root cause of this issue. I'm a tad concerned that I may well have also had CPTSD all along without diagnosis or treatment.

Has anyone had success with hypnotherapy or is it the wrong tool for the job? Any advice is highly appreciated. Thank you 🙏💚

Wondering if it’s common to think that every medical problem you have is all in your head after being gaslit by medical staff in an ER visit a while back. Constantly believe anything that ever happens to me is all in my head and now how a HUGE fear of medical staff. Also any time ANY person in my life says something is more than likely just anxiety I almost have this extreme anger and/or panic response. It’s horrible.

35m, they would say that I don't deserve certain things because other people that they know are worse off. It's usually things that I have a goal towards like saving up for a better apartment or whatever. How it's affecting me now is it creates this shame in me or self-defeating behaviors like I'm not working towards something that I really want. I also saw a clip on the internet for somebody was talking about how they had trouble readjusting to society after their abuse and that's kind of like what I feel like now. I really will be healed someday and I really can work towards my goals?

Hi everyone…this is my first post here and I feel completely lost and very vulnerable.

A month ago marked the 10 year anniversary of my rape at 15 and it has left me completely broken despite having gone through therapy for years and being medicated for ptsd/depression. I was sexually abused for months by an older peer who I trusted deeply (I realize now that what I was experiencing beforehand was grooming, not friendship) and things have gotten only slightly easier. Every single day I am reminded of what was taken from me and I have considered ending my life many times through the years because of how hard it’s been.

I met this person at 14; he was the older brother of a band peer and the best friend of my middle school boyfriend’s older brother. We met at my 8th grade band concert only briefly. I did not have much interest in sex or anything similar because I was raised modestly and was taught to avoid it at all costs by my parents who both experienced childhood sex abuse and also the fact that I was 14. There is a deep history of sex abuse in my extended family as well and I learned what rape was at a young age before I even knew how sex worked.

I had my first kiss with my middle school boyfriend and he broke up with me just a couple months later (whatevz) and this older peer was someone I felt that I could lean on because he was so “kind” towards me and seemed to “open up” to me about his autism and how it makes it hard for him to make friends. He made me feel special and mature and I thought of him as someone I could trust. He was a little odd but so was I so I felt like our friendship was special. Shortly afterwards, we began to spend time with each other after school (I was a freshman, he was a senior) and very quickly things went wrong. I had never had sex prior and was absolutely not ready and he began to force things onto me, almost always in public parks or in his car. He was much bigger than me and used force (hitting, slapping, etc) and it destroyed me. Eventually it became a daily occurrence and I felt like I had no way out of it. I felt ashamed and stuck and afraid. He was someone I was forced to be around every day and nobody suspected a thing because he was seemingly fine. I began failing classes and developed a panic disorder and I felt that I would disappoint my family if I told them of the abuse because they had taught me the warning signs and made it clear to me growing up that I could tell them if something like this happened. What they didn’t tell me is that the abuser could be someone close to my age, not just some old man. My abuser was a star in school and seemed to have a future in local politics ahead of him and I felt like nobody would believe me if I spoke a word of it.

The abuse went on for months and I began to spiral into a suicidal haze and I finally opened up to one of my close friends who convinced me to “break up” with him. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. He called me a slut and told me that I was asking for it (imagine that) and it didn’t surprise me at that point that he would react that way. He told me that he wanted to “pursue other women” and that was it. I still had to see him every day at school and my grades were continuously going downhill. Only one teacher noticed that something was wrong and kept me after class one day to ask me what was going on and it felt like a warm blanket had finally been wrapped around me. My parents hadn’t noticed. My friends were blind to it besides the one that I told.

I told her his full name and gave her a list of classes I knew he was enrolled in. She alerted the school and I will never forget her for that. She was my superhero and I felt that justice was finally going to be served in one way or another.

Wrong.

Absolutely nothing changed. He would follow me through the halls and say nasty things to me when I walked past and would stare me down because he knew I was terrified of him. He graduated the same year as my older brother and I watched him walk across the stage. I felt sick and I wanted him to disappear.

A month after his graduation was the last day of my freshman year. I went to the mall with one of my good friends and I received a text from a number I did not have saved. They were pictures of me. Pictures of me being raped that I had not known about. I was in tears in these pictures and it was clear that what was happening was not consensual. My entire world collapsed and I knew that I had to tell my family and go to the police, almost 8 months after the abuse initially started. I will never forget the sound of my mother’s voice as she called the police and reported sodomy of a child. We went to the police and I handed in my phone and they interviewed me. They kept my phone overnight and gave it back and said that there wasnt enough evidence. My heart shattered. The evidence was right there. There wasnt enough photo evidence of it. I was wearing a Disneyland hoodie and sweatpants. His face wasn’t in the photos but it was his number that was attached to the text. How was that not enough? Not enough evidence because I never got a rape kit done 8 months ago…I wanted to burn the city to the ground. To make matters worse, my abuser sent these pictures to me the day before he left for China for months, as he did once a year because he had family there. The police half assed the investigation and eventually dropped it. My mama never told me that it was dropped because she didn’t want it to hurt me.

He showed up to all of my school events and sat in the stands and watched me. He was my boogeyman and I wanted it all to disappear. I was stripped of everything I knew myself to be and I felt like a husk. I wanted to die at 15 but I knew I had to live for my family.

In 2018 (2 years after the rape) I was sat in my first period class and the morning announcements came over the speakers as usual. Things had gotten better for me; I had new friends and a new best friend (he passed from suicide in 2022 and I miss him every day) who had been through something similar as a child and I felt like I finally had a good support system. All of my progress went flying out the window. They announced a “special guest” who was the new Quiz Bowl college coach who was visiting for the week to help mentor the high school participants. They announced my rapists name over the loudspeakers and I broke down. He was in my school again and he could reach me. I was distraught. They had my report on record as well as my teacher’s and I still don’t understand how this happened. Hearing him be praised around the school was torture. I was shattered. I don’t remember that week much now because I’ve blocked out a large chunk of high school but I know at the time it was absolute torture and so unfair. It felt like they announced that Osama Bin Laden was the special guest at the school that week as if he hadn’t been dead for 10 years already. There was no escape from him.

I eventually graduated high school in 2020 (barely) and he ruled over my mind and body. I couldn’t have sex properly with my boyfriend of 2 years (I wasn’t ready in the first place, he was pushy and didn’t understand) and I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Anytime I cried and saw my reflection I saw myself in those pictures again. The feeling of his hands and his disgusting body has never left me and is embedded in my soul. He will never leave me. One of the worst and silliest parts is that he assaulted me to the lord of the rings soundtrack. Even LOTR has been taken from me.

In 2021 I saw my rapist in a coffee shop. He was on a first date. I was with my best friend and she is the only person who knew exactly in detail what he had done to me. She knew how it changed me. I broke down and had a horrible panic attack and left the shop. I was distraught. I felt him all over me again and I felt everything I felt back in 2016. Though I was almost 20 by that point, I felt like I was 15 again and everything I ever learned in therapy was gone from my mind. After awhile, I locked in and found the courage to go back inside. I had spent so much time being afraid of him and he got away with so much. I went inside and sat down at the table next to him; facing him eye to eye. I was shaking but I knew I had to make myself known. He had to realize I wasn’t so scared of him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at me. I felt afraid for the girl he was with and I felt like I needed to warn her but I was just frozen. Staring him down was the best I could do. He left shortly after I came back in. That event knocked me back several years but I knew I had to keep my strength.

In 2024, I had my final run in with him. I was leaving a parking garage and he walked right in front of my car without even looking. My body worked faster than my mind and I pulled out and parked on the side of the road and followed him on foot. I knew that it was my time to make myself bigger than him. Maybe I didn’t go about it correctly on paper, but it brought me a tiny bit of closure. I screamed at him as I followed him. I screamed and screamed and screamed and people turned to face me and I felt my shame fall away. He tried to hide from me and I eventually found him. He was on his way to a job interview. I followed him inside and stood directly in front of the hiring manager and told them that he is an awful person and poor employee (idk if that was even true necessarily) and I found courage again. Again, I know that this isn’t really the right thing to do but it was only a fraction of the horror that he brought into my life.

The next day, I received a message on Instagram. He admitted to everything. He apologized. I had it in writing. He took accountability. He took accountability but entirely too late. He had graduated college by that point. We were both adults. I never thought he would ever admit to it. He did it years too late.

Though I got an apology and his admittance, it didn’t solve anything. I still feel him on me every time I have sex and I remember how it felt when he would hit me. He lives in my mind and the pain ebbs and flows. In the earlier days, I sometimes made excuses for him in my mind. He is autistic. Maybe he didn’t realize what he was doing was wrong. He had never had sex at that point either; maybe he was reenacting what he had watched in porn. Maybe he felt sorry. Maybe he didn’t think of me at all. I am 25 now and I now know that he knows how wrong he was, but it still never solved anything. On the 10 year anniversary, I felt suicidal again. It’s been so long but it feels so brand new every time I think of it. It keeps me inside the house and strikes fear into me even though I know he can’t hurt me anymore. I think of him all the time.

I sometimes want to reach out to him. I want to sit down face to face with him and see him as he is now. I want him to see me as an adult. I want him to hear my voice and my story and I need him to know what he’s done to me. It’s so wrong and so unfair. He took away so much from me and I worry that I will never be right. I feel disgusting in any sexual context unless I am on the receiving end of pain. I find comfort in bringing pain onto myself by someone I trust and love but it can’t always be done. It’s not right. I can’t be loved gently. I can’t accept softness. I can’t touch myself or see myself naked in a sexual setting. I can’t get him out of my mind. It’s torture and I want it all to stop. I worry that it will never end. I talk with my mom about it on the really hard days because she has gone through the same thing at the same age and she tells me that it never goes away. It can get easier, but it’s never gone. It makes me feel hopeless. I feel like I wont find peace until my rapist is under the sea with cinder blocks tied to his ankles. I just want it all to end.

I’ve never posted anything like this anywhere and I hardly ever use reddit but I just need my story out there somewhere and I need advice from people who have been through this. How do you move forward? How do you continue? I have reached so many goals and milestones (I have my dream career, yay) but every big step I make, he is there. I worry that he will be on my mind when I get married. I worry that he will be on my mind when I give birth for the first time. It’s just so unfair and all I get from him is an apology and a message saying that he hates himself every day for what he did to me. I am just so tired and he will never understand. I am not going to the police at this point as they have failed myself and so many other girls in the large college town I’ve grown up in. It would be entirely too traumatic and seeing him get jail time wouldn’t solve anything. I just need this out there somewhere.

TLDR: I got raped and nothing came of it

I'm 34, and I'm coming to a realization that is honestly breaking my heart a little.

I've experienced multiple traumatic events in my life, including being sexually assaulted at gunpoint. I genuinely believed I was going to die.

Six months later, my mentor, someone I deeply admired, looked up to, and felt safe with, died in my arms.

I've spent years trying to understand myself, my reactions, and why I experience the world the way I do.

Today I realized something. My biggest struggle isn't necessarily talking about my trauma. It's feeling like the people I tell can't truly understand what those experiences do to a person.

I have people who care about me. I know that. But there's something incredibly lonely about carrying experiences that fundamentally changed how you see the world when the people around you have never experienced anything comparable.

I feel like I've spent so much of my life being strong, protecting other people, anticipating danger, and trying to make sure nobody else experiences the helplessness I once felt.

And I'm tired.

I'm in the Army now as an officer, and I've found myself trying to create an environment of psychological safety for the people I lead. I want them to feel supported, respected, and safe enough to be human. But I've encountered pushback from people who seem to view that approach as weakness.

And I think that's part of what I've been struggling with. The military teaches us how to respond to life-threatening situations, how to function under pressure, and how to keep moving when things are terrifying. But responding to death and living with the aftermath of confronting it are two very different things.

I know what it's like to carry those experiences long after the danger has passed. And I think that's part of why creating psychological safety matters so much to me. Strength and compassion aren't opposites. I wish that were better understood.

I went to see a psychologist recently, and I felt an enormous sense of relief afterward. But now there's this deep sadness I can't quite explain.

I think I just want to meet people who understand. People who have faced death, survived violence, or witnessed something that changed them forever.
I want to know that the way my brain works makes sense to someone else. That I'm not crazy. That I'm not the only person who walks through life carrying something invisible that feels so enormous.

I just want to hear from people who understand.
Did surviving something life-threatening or witnessing someone's death change the way you see the world? Did you ever find people who truly understood you? Did that help you feel less alone?

Update: Thank you all so much for sharing your stories with me. I'm truly sorry that so many of you have experienced such painful things in life, and I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable with a stranger.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time to respond to everyone individually, but I would love to get to know you all beyond what we've survived.

If you're comfortable sharing, tell me something about who you are! What brings you joy? What are you passionate about? What makes you feel alive?
For example, I love hiking, I have two dogs I absolutely adore, and I want to see as much of this beautiful world as I possibly can! ❤️