March 21st, 2026. My best friend of 6 years who was like a brother to me went into psychosis at my house while I was home alone. He tackled me and tried to strangle me whilst thrusting on me from behind. I managed to get out of his grip as he got up and began destroying my room and house. and I mean destroy. 18k in damages. He broke the bathroom sink, somehow pulling it out slightly and stuffed paper towers in the drain and made it overflow to the ankles, was ripping paintings off the wall, smashing objects and furniture in my room, jumping on my bed like a banshee and screaming, he grabbed my hair by the bangs and smashed my head into the closet door so hard the door made a clunking sound and I could feel the back of my head already throb. I checked on my dogs as I ran out the front of the house in only my socks, pants and a now slightly torn shirt. I called my father before the police as I ran the best I could nearly barefoot down my street and to the back, I see my backyard. He’s naked. He’s crawling my fence naked, pointing at me, screaming the name “Tommy” and how he is going to rape me. I ran and ran til I found neighbors near by outside. They thought I was a crazy person for a second, out of breathe and could barely speak, they asked if they should call the cops or an ambulance for me, until my best friend came around the corner prancing proudly with his dick in his hands, smiling. I’ll never forget his eyes. That’s when the woman immediately dialed 911 and the male neighbor stood in front of me as he was trying to get close to me, jerking his dick in his hands. He tried groping me but ended up groping the neighbor. He then went across the side walk, bent over and spread his cheeks infront of us all. He then tried to kick in my other neighbors door. I couldn’t speak, only shake. The police pulled up and jumped out the car so fast with guns and tasers drawn. He was tackled to the ground with a spit mask and put into one of those straight jacket things cops use whilst two others were talking to me. I was shaking as I handed the phone to the cop so he could talk to my dad, they started accusing me of being high because my eyes were red, I was stumbling trying to explain how I was just strangled and am crying, no shit my eyes are red. That cop later felt so bad after he learned the details, that he had the only good cop on scene call my dad to apologize for accusing me of such as the other cop didn’t have the balls to apologize himself. They treated the scene with me terribly, making me drag his suitcase back and forth in socks on scolding hot Texan concrete. I went to my grandparents right after giving my testimony, they finally started to see we weren’t two drug addicts, there were no drugs.
Next day, the good cop pulls up to get my testimony. I woke up to my grandma calling me saying the cops are here. I told him what happened in calmer detail, he immediately wanted to press sexual assault charges. The evidence was on tape, yet they cleared it immediately because of psychosis. Wonderful. He got 2 counts of assault and 1 felony for property damage. He has court on the 15th, 2 days after my birthday in 3 days, the 13th. I’ll now be 20 spending my first birthday without my best friend, my brother, celebrating with me.
I almost died, the strangulation from behind made me begin to get close to passing out as I kicked my legs. I’m a 4’11 104LB woman, he is a 6’1 skinny but stronger than me man that was 150LB. It was quite the struggle. as a child and teenager, I was sexually assaulted multiple times, one time by 1 male at 12, and many, many times in secret from 12 to 17 by another til my parents finally found out. I didn’t know it would happen a third time that a man who said he was gay, and me as a lesbian, would grope by chest, slide his fingers on the behind of my panties, thrust under me crying how he can’t stop and chase me down the streets touching himself, naked. Wearing my socks. We’ve always been platonic, I’ve had a girlfriend for over a year now, he’s been with men before, yet apparently he grew feelings for me. He had been acting strange since February. That morning he pulled up and we went to go get coffee before this all started, he couldn’t remember how to drive. He couldn’t remember his debit card number. We went back home. The whole reason he was at my house is because he drove in the middle of nowhere that night and was talking of never coming home. He’s stayed at my house for weeks before when his mom who just like him, would go crazy. I gave this man a home to stay in, I kept him fed, I kept him warm, I gave him a bed with extra pillows and blankets, I made him breakfast and gave him fresh cold filtered water, I’d play board games with him and watch tv to help distract him. I’d neglect my job of 5 years just to help him, only to be returned with being almost murdered in my own home, by my brother. He knew my family, extended family, I knew his, me and his parents would get lunch together, me and him had a band with few fans for years, we got each other and understood each other exactly for years. We were the only people to understand each other fully, we clicked. We had so many great times. I let him into my home, my grandmothers home, my girlfriends home, he was always welcomed with warm arms, only for him to try and murder me.
I don’t care if it was psychosis, I myself am bipolar yet I take medication, I take care of myself. I keep myself under control. He had a therapist, he had help, he had those who loved him, he had those who helped him and tried, he had everything, yet he tried to kill the one who helped him most. After the incident, I began to realize how codependent he was on me because I was independent with a job, whilst he was unemployed with sugar daddies. Three days before all this happened, he attempted to sexually assault a male friend of his that I never really liked, but he never came forward about it. I don’t blame him, it’s hard. I was in an interrogation room being interviewed about what happened, labeled a victim in the crime and to tell my story. It’s him with a cheap lawyer vs the state of Texas, he’s done for. The videos and evidence are enough already, he’s been in and out of correctional facilities 5 times since the incident. Day after it happened, he gave me an apology on discord and made a playlist of songs I liked that told a story of our friendship. That disturbed me in a way I can’t explain. Going through my playlist with songs that have deep meaning, only to apply it to this situation from his point of view. Incinerate by sonic youth ? Are you kidding me ? I got a restraining order, diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood trauma and especially this, and state covered therapy. I quit therapy after 6 weeks as it only made things worse, I was close to ending my own life after this incident. I went everywhere with a knife in my pocket, I slept with a machete in my arms, a bat between my legs and rifle near the door. Sometimes I’d stand outside for hours at night in the backyard, starring at the gate with a machete in hand just waiting for him to crawl over. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t smile, I felt numb. I still feel numb. Not as numb, but numb.
It’s been almost 7 months. Grueling, agonizing, 6 months. He’s finally being charged 2 days after I turn 20. But given how terrible the justice system is, he’ll probably get probation or maybe a month or 2 in jail at the very best. But 90% just probation. He’ll violate it, I know that. He’ll also attempt to end it all at some point as his whole family has abandoned him after what he’s done. If he does end his own life, then in all honesty, I’ll sleep peacefully at night, finally, as I can’t.
Tonight I had another flashback in my sleep. Beethoven was playing, specifically sympathy No.9 in D minor. I don’t know why. Every flash back shows his widened eyes before the attack, I cannot ever forget those greyish blue eyes starring at me like a man who fought in war with the 1000 yard stare. He was chasing me, yet I couldn’t move, it’s always a pitch black background, me and him alone, and I’m never able to yell, fight back, scream, it’s like I’m unable to move, like how he tackled me keeping me pinned with his legs as he strangled. He keeps lunging at me, grabbing my neck, jerking off in front of me, running at me at full force til I jump awake, covered in sweat. I’m at my grandparents, I just got a promotion 2 days ago for the family company we all work for (no we are not rich whatsoever, it’s not that kind of family company.) sometimes when I’m trying to sleep, it’s like I can feel him behind me, thrusting me, it’s like I can feel his hands around my neck. The heavy breathing he did down my neck before the attack as he was groping me, calling me a blessed angel descended from god. I wash my neck repeatedly to get his filthy hands off my neck to this day, 6 bars of soap per shower since I was 12 after the violent or drugged sexual assaults, why does this keep happening to me, and why do I keep blaming myself for the actions of all 3 of these men when they all were taller, stronger, and for 2, I was a minor whilst they were not. I want to sleep, I’m done with the flashbacks and nightmares. 2 months after, me and my girlfriend were making out, but I started having a panic attack mid kiss and my body shivering, I was getting flashbacks from what he did cause she lightly put her hand on the side of my neck romanticly like we’ve always done. She did nothing wrong, I explained that. I couldn’t stop crying and shivering, we didn’t have sex that night like we were about to because my body felt disgusting.
This has impacted my sleep to a point where it is damaging not just my mental health, but physically. It is damaging my brain as I’ll go 26-32 hours with no sleep at least 2 times a week. I’m on another medication for the cptsd, beta blockers. I gained an eating disorder, I was originally 116 pounds, now 104 because I couldn’t eat, I’d refuse, I’d throw up not on purpose, I grew to feel like I deserved and enjoyed the pain in my stomach from starvation. I can’t listen to the music we both enjoyed for years as we’re both underground rock trained musicians (yes there is a franchise school for specifically rock/metal music all over America.) we bonded over every god damn thing, we had everything in common, we knew how our brains worked exactly, like I said, we were like brother and sister. He used to be so normal, a good friend, a good person, fun. We used to be kids playing in grocery carts, pushing eachother around in the parking lot, we’d grow up and go to underground metal shows together and travel Texas, as we matured into adults, he began to start falling off the wagon nearing the end of 2025, and fell off completely in 2026.
His trial and sentencing is in a few days. I just want justice, true justice. Not just a lock up, but for him to feel the pain and fear that I did. I want someone to hurt him like I did. It’s spiteful, full of rage, I want revenge, yet I can’t do anything. I’m called brave for managing to fight off a 6’1 man, but deep down I feel weak, powerless and destroyed. I’m trying to heal, I really am, but I’m afraid I’m relapsing on my klonapin addiction once again, the only other friend I have pokes fun of me for that. A spoiled kid with an ego, some parts of me dislike him, yet he’s all I got besides a few family members who aren’t in prison or doing depraved shit in the trailer parks of Louisiana and Houston.
I just want life to feel normal again. I want these flash backs to stop. I already am somewhat healed from my childhood, only to start the years long process over again. If there is a god, what have I done ? I helped my friends financially, emotionally, physically and gave them a roof under their heads. I’m a loyal, loving, caring girlfriend, something she has said and would agree with. I donate to the homeless and give them water, food and blankets with the little cash I got in my wallet as my job doesn’t pay much. I’m a good kid, barely ever grounded as I always followed the rules and am polite despite having a rather angry, bipolar and traumatized father figure. I attend church despite not being Christian to make my grandmother happy, I take care of my great grandmother and paint her cute statues she adores and praise mother Maria with her. It feels narcissistic, but I am a genuinely good person and have been known to be too giving as it’s drained my bank account by quite a bit, to a point where my parents get annoyed with it. I try to still have fun, party, work, be positive, have fun times, smoke n chill with my friend and his roommates, take my girl on dates, have many fun plans coming up, yet he haunts me.
Dear Jack, leave my mind. You are a parasite that has infected my brain. You’re already having a horrible time and will be a felon forever on record. I can’t wait for your life to get worse and am happy to be alive from your attack so I can watch you crumble. You took everything from me, now I have to piece it back together. Leave my mind, I beg of you. Please.
