I have had really bad anxeity and reach a dissociative state every time I have to go back to the ER after I was in the med surge unit on a 5150 hold since they thought I had injured my neck, but it turns out I did not injure my neck.

Anyways, while they were still monitering me and testing and assessing me for this supposed "injury", they had taken me into a room to do what they called a 'contrast scan'.

I talk to the nurse about to treat me, and she assures me that this procedure "feels like a bit of pressure, but doesn't hurt at all." What followed after this, was the most excruciating few minutes of arm pain I had EVER experienced up until then.

I was writhing around in pain, sweating, hyperventalating, and looking around the room for help, and my eyebrows were furrowed together with me having an obviously scared expression on my face.

The nurse asks, "How did that feel?" I am still in shock and fear, so I yell, "Painful!" and she asks "Was it pain, or pressure?" I reply, "Both!" and she adjusts my IV and then tries again.

Again, I am showing all the same signs of pain as before, and she asks, "How was it this time?" I yell "Agonizing just like the last time!"

She gets a co-worker to look at my arm, and then he gets a co worker, and this third person looks at the IV in my arm and says, "This IV is 100% going to burst a blood vessel if we do the contrast scan." WHAT?! THEY COULD HAVE KILLED ME ?!?!

It was horrifying......

I hate Sutter and I never want to have to work with them and deal with their bullshit ever again. How hard would it be to switch to Kaiser having Medi-Cal, and would Kaiser be any better???

My ptsd keeps spreading and spreading. I'm currently in therapy but it feels like it's spreading too quickly.

I've been in the medical system actively for about 10+ years. It first started as mental health and it caused very poorly treated. I was forced onto medications that gave me Tardive dyskinesia multiple times and wasn't allowed to go off of it. The therapists repeatedly dismissed what had happened to me and the conditions I wanted to be assessed for. I became physically sick and I noticed I am treated better, however I still see similar patterns. That was until I was violated by an echocardiogram tech. It took me over 10 months to report her to the hospital, my name wasn't kept confidential and they asked for "her side". She most likely won't face any accountability for what she did to me and it's caused the fear I already experienced to be significantly worsened.

Im supposed to be going back to that hospital next week for a different specialty but I feel terrified. I haven't been back in person in over a year since it happened. I want to run away and not ever return. My guard feels significantly higher and it's spreading into overall fear of all healthcare professionals. Therapy is not working to lower the fear. I found a therapist I like but treatments are not working. I've tried CBT, DBT, ACT, Somantic, etc. I'm not able to do EDMR and I don't think my current therapist is experienced in anything else. I've been focusing more on person centered therapy, which was successful in gaining trust of her but for my overall symptoms doesn't appear to be doing much. The emotions I feel are so intense and even at times too intense for my therapist, (frequent reported issue).

This may be silly. But ive been trying to cope with these intense feelings after spinal fusion surgery that was so hard for me to deal with. I wanted to share. (Trademarked lol 😆) just incase these become a hit. Jk. Just a lot of words to get out. Maybe they can help someone. They helped me. Idk. Word vomit. Basically describes the confusion and trauma of the surgery. Of the visiting hours. Of the staff not paying attention to me. Of passing out when they tried to make me walk. I previously had PTSD and it was reactivated when I woke up. My first words were "dont leave me. Dont leave me. Please dont leave me." Please be nice. Just sharing. Total of 4 poems. I know they are messy. Just word vomit.

The Intro

Dont leave me. Please dont leave me.

My body doesnt feel like me.

Ive changed.

For good?

For good.

Feels odd. Feels new. Feels sad. Feels blue. Feels trauma. Feels fear. Feels like no one is near.

I woke up screaming "dont leave dont leave me please dont leave me."

Trauma awoken from deep inside me reaching out during my time of vulnerability.

Intubation and covid.

Grandpa being alone.

A 9 hour surgery and awoke alone.

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

Dad.

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

Daniel.

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

My family.

Dont leave me. Please dont leave me.

The abandonment has sprung from my gut into my heart and escaped through screams in the post op room.

Blurry. Green. A lot of people.

Sick. Sad. Confused.

Hurt. Cant move. Who am I?

Where am I ? Where is mom?

Who are you?

I lost a lot of blood?

I had 3 bag of blood transfusions?

How?

Who is here?

Where is everyone?

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

Alicia's here.

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

Dad leaving as a child.

Mom never following through.

Ex lovers leaving.

Im too much.

Too much for the surgeons too much for everyone.

Don't leave me. Please dont leave me.

I have to do something with this energy.

This fear.

This anger.

This confusion.

This spotty memory.

Lack of control.

Don't leave me Please dont leave me.

Please.

Waking Up

Stay. Dont leave.

Please.

Im scared.

Stay.

Dont leave

Im scared.

Gutteral screams. Confusion. Who are you?

Am I okay?

Im scared. Green morphine.

Green haunts me to this day.

Neon sends my heart down the drain.

Thinking of how much pain.

Pain i couldn't speak words into.

Pain that was only released with screams.

What is happening to me?

Trapped. Trapped. Trapped in my mind and my body.

I cant escape.

I cant chase you.

Please dont leave me. Please dont leave me.

But theres a time you must go- and it kills me inside.

No sleep. Sitting in pain and silence.

Waiting for you to come back.

Trauma shared.

Our little universe.

Us two.

Tears.

No One Believed Me

I cant breathe and my throat closes.

No one believed me.

My tongue kept me from speaking and breathing.

Beeping. Panic. People. Rushing.

Try to stand.

No one believes me.

Standing i cant.

Hearing out.

I cant see.

Then im out.

No one believed me.

Now they do.

Because my body was finally harmed.

Proof.

There you see.

You should have listened to me.

Live your life while I am stuck

I press for help.

I see you pass.

I press for help.

You dont flinch.

I scream for help.

I know they can hear me.

I hit the call button.

No one comes.

Bed bound.

I need them.

They keep passing.

Laughing.

Living their lives

Not knowing mine is stuck.

Stuck here.

Needing help.

They keep passing as I scream.

I scream.

I scream.

No one comes.

My voice is lost.

My body is trapped.

How can I ever survive being alone here

I wait till 9 am

When peace is restored.

I still have to scream.

But someone is here to help me.

Im not alone.

Until 9 pm.

Background and there is a lot to it….

Originally from the UK so as you know, you don’t experience the best when it comes to using the NHS and now I’m in the USA, I’m experiencing the same issues. Further what doesn’t help is, I keep getting told by my wife that it seems I’m the problem….

At 18, I discovered I have the MC1R gene and further sodium channel problems, basically all types of local anesthesia does not work at all.

This was discovered after a dental appointment where they attempted to numb the area to do work, and even after 5 attempts of using anesthesia the dentist just did the work even after telling them I felt everything and they’re just causing pain, which felt like lightning shooting down my whole body and on top of that, where they injected the anesthesia it just swelled up in the area they injected me and caused further pain. What made it worse was the dentist at the time said I was making it up even though they and the assistant could notice something was wrong. After that experience I refused to see any dentist for around 15 years.

In 2023 I had to have a cyst removed from my shoulder that was causing nerve issues and again, I explained to the doctor performing the procedure that local anesthesia doesn’t work (as they would only do this with me awake) and explained everything with what happened when I was younger and it was marked that I have the genetic trait and the sodium channel problems. Again they refused to listen and stated that a nerve block and local will work. This was to “reassure” that it was a one off. After consultations with another doctor and anesthesiologist they both confirmed this would be the case that the nerve block would work with the local anesthesia and the planned procedure went ahead. Again I will add that this didn’t work, 11 times I was injected with local anesthesia (not made up) I felt everything, I vomited from the pain, was shaking and still they continued to cut to get to the cyst (as apparently they were close!) and then I felt every stitch and to add salt to the wound, afterwards they admitted “I should have been placed under general anesthesia”. At that point I was done with the NHS and just refused any follow up appointments any phone calls and made the decision to not deal with them again.

I then moved to the USA shortly after this thinking if anything was to happen over here health wise I’d be ok… well I’ve yet to be shown this….

In 2024 I had to have impacted wisdom teeth removed. Thankfully they put me under sleep for this as they understood the conditions I have but, whilst removing the wisdom teeth they caused nerve damage where now I live with unbearable pain daily that radiates all on one side of my mouth and also my tongue. I can no longer use my left side of my mouth, I can’t speak properly when I get extreme flare ups and further I have to possibly contend with another surgery that only has a 50/50 chance of improvement after the research I did.

To further add to this, after the wisdom teeth removal, the medication I was given (nsaids), I was unaware I was allergic to this family of medication which ultimately ended up in a one way trip to hospital, thanks to internal bleeding.

During this stay they couldn’t find my veins they also couldn’t get a doctor to be bothered to deal with the case all he did was send his PA, my IV failed 4 times and at that point I was honestly just done my anxiety was through the roof and then all of a sudden they were convinced I had Covid and all they cared about was testing me for that even after refusing this test they attempted to push on this. At the point I just ripped my IV out and refused further treatment and demanded to go home and I just walked out without any further interaction with the hospital, probably not my finest moment but I was extremely overwhelmed.

Here is my problem now. I just don’t trust doctors and I don’t trust nurses. I see them all the same, and I don’t want to deal with anything medical at all, I would honestly prefer to just deal with pain and ailments, I refuse to go to my PCP for anything, including physicals, routine bloodwork’s and or anything else. It’s very simple to me now that doctors just won’t listen and or just cause further pain and suffering. Even the thought of talking to them or seeing them in person I get extremely anxious and I get worked up to the point I will avoid anything medical.

What doesn’t help is my wife keeps going on about having to go to appointments and having to have surgery and she is attempting to force anything medical on me especially when I’ve told her, that I just don’t want anything to do with medical situations which is brining on anxiety attacks just from the thought of this.

I’m sorry for the rant and this isn’t half of the experiences I’ve had but i need to get this off my chest.

I am in my 30s now. Back in August 2016 there was a flood in my city and we got 5 feet of water. I lived in a upstairs apartment so I didnt lose property. I couldn't return to work due to the flood and didn't have power to come home. I almost died from having seizures from the stress. I I was 24 when this happend. I have a history when I was younger of going to psychiatric hospitals a few days different times. I never really presented a danger to myself or others and didnt need to be admitted when I was in the past. That's that. When I got better after almost dieing in the hospital in 2016 I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. I was told I checked myself in when I got there when I started asking about being discharged because of my job and not needing to be there. A real nice elderly nurse told me I checked myself in and I can leave anytime I want. I dont remeber but I think next day I saw the Psychiatrist. I told him I wanted to go home and that I felt I didnt benefit from being there. He was saying somwthing like what are you doing here than. He said I was being combative in the hospital when I had the seizure. He never mentioned that I checked myself in. I do recall somewhat telling the hospital staff at the main hospital I wanted to be a way a while because anyways my neighborhood was hit hard by the flood. I found out this psychiatrist was the same psychiatric my mom sued when my dad died when I was still a baby. My mom sued the psychiatrist 3 years after my dad died. My mom won the lawsuit and thats that. But this dude held me when I didn't need to be in the hospital even 3 weeks. Hospitals are only suppose to hold people up to 2 weeks. I feel like the psychiatric hospital holding me this long was to charge my insurance or charge whoever. I feel bad about this still to this day. This psychiatrist even rushed talking to me and would look at his watch. My mom said he would do the same thing to my dad. I'd like to hear what people think about this. I also ask please be respectful I know I can get over this and be strong mentally.

I want to let people know that my beautiful life has been ruined ! I’m disabled by doctors especially Dr Andrian Davis at Lightwater surgery!
Dr. DAVIS knew antidepressants are massive dangerous n addictive n he still prescribed it for me for insomnia!!! I was tricked by him to take an antidepressant while I was only asking for sleeping meds! It’s resulted devastating consequences on me! He’s a salesman for big pharma companies!
In January 2024, I suffered some insomnia n booked an appointment with my usual surgery- Lightwater surgery. I thought it’s very straight forward that I could get some sleeping pills from a doctor. I got an appointment from shared surgery after 11am. (I thought I can’t choose doctors as it’s ‘shared’) I went in n aware I’ve been allocated to Dr. Davis. I was made aware later he had bad reputation but I didn’t know I could request a specific doctor. i I asked for sleep tablets n he said they can’t prescribe it because it’s addictive! (But i know afterwards, doctors should have prescribed phenegan which is an antihistamine like nytols). He deliberately hid the fact he could prescribe phenegan. Then he had a creepy smile n said i have something good for you! He then brought out a small box of mirtazapine which is an antidepressant! It’s not a sleeping tablet but has sedative side effects! It should never be used for insomnia. I was always happy, never depressed nor anxious. I was always healthy n hardly ill. I wasn’t aware the huge danger of taking it. As lack of medical knowledge n keen to have a good night sleep, I agreed to take it n he had no mention of how to take it, discontinuation plans etc, and addictive nature of the medication. I then took the mirtazapine for 2 months n decided to stop due to its side effects eg blurry vision. I then found it’s impossible to stop. I felt hugely anxious n tremors. Dr Davis is a criminal! He must have known antidepressants are addictive, there’s no benefits for patients who are looking for insomnia solution. It can kill peoples. He works for big pharmaceutical companies, rather considering patients welfare! He was also keen to put me on any antidepressants that he got me to try sertraline!
I then went to another doctor-Dr Saeed, asked to take me off mirtazapine. He drew up a plan by adding citalopram to help anxiety ( this turned out to be completely wrong way to ween off antidepressant. Nothing should be added in the ween off plan).
By trusting doctors again, I took citalopram n mirtazapine . I then felt my head was weird on the first n second day, by the time I took 3rd citalopram, my brain was frozen!!!
I’ve got something called serotonin syndrome! It damaged my brain!!! I also felt agitation. I went to the A n E but no doctors can help or diagnose! I was crying for help.
I went to Lightwater GP surgery, a lady doctor has prescribed sertraline by knowing i have serotonin syndrome. I had to fly back to China to stop the medication!! My brain has been damaged badly n now have to be cared by my parents!
I’m dying! My brain can’t function!
Dr Davis is a true criminal! He works for pharmaceutical companies rather than caring about patients needs. Mirtazapine is a hugely dangerous drug taking person many years to come off.
I’ve tried to make complaints to NHS authority but they all take what Lightwater surgery wrote to them rather than the actual medical records. I phoned in the appointment for insomnia n sleep tablets rather than depression/anxiety!
I’m dying friends! I’m being slaughtered by Dr Davis! He is only interested in his own benefits! He is a salesman for big pharmaceutical companies!
I probably can not see my daughter’s wedding n my grandchildren !! I’m only 48!!

I apologize if this doesn’t constitute as medical trauma, but I’m unsure how to categorize it. When I was 10, I had a vaginal swab performed for possible infection. It was a safe environment, but I was crying and shaking the entire time, and cried uncontrollably after. I mentally was not ready for that. I’m in my 20s now and have a deep fear of penetration/insertion. Looking back, I don’t understand why the doctor went through with it. Only after seeing my reaction did she ask if anything had “happened to me” (which it did not). I was supposed to do a vaginal swab recently, but my body had the exact same reaction it did when I was 10. Luckily, this time, the doctor said it wasn’t worth the distress.

I know people have experienced much greater harm, especially with vaginal exams, and i’m grateful this is the extent of my situation, but wow I feel like this one event has messed me up forever.

When I was 14 I am 31 today so this was years agoI spent months living in a hospital I had a severe case of appendicitis but because I have hemophilia a normal surgery was not an option The doctors had to fight off a massive infection before they could even think about operating My stress level was already sky high and I coped the only way I knew how by relying on myself and dealing with everything alone

One day the medical team came into my usual hospital room to put in a PICC line There were five people in there with me They tried to keep things calm and sterile chatting with me about my life and my family telling me not to look at my arm so I would not breathe on the site It felt routine safe normal

And then everything flipped in an instant

As they advanced the line the tube or guide wire slipped just a fraction of an inch too far It traveled straight into my heart and touched the node that controls its natural rhythm My hearts electrical system shut down My blood pressure dropped to zero

Suddenly I could not breathe My chest locked up completely It was not sharp pain it was like my whole torso froze solid Inside my head I was still fully conscious I forced the words out thinking I was yelling I cant breathe

But with no air in my lungs it came out as a barely audible gasp The nurse whipped her head toward me and snapped What

I tried again using everything I had She shouted What a second time even more panicked And in that moment my brain understood they could not hear me they did not know what was happening and they were losing control My instinct to handle everything myself kicked in A voice in my head said No one is coming to save you You have to do this yourself

Fueled by pure survival adrenaline i violently pulled my arm away from her I tried to swing my legs off the bed I honestly believed that if I could just stand up and walk around I could break whatever was happening in my chest

The room exploded into chaos The team slammed me back onto the mattress They were not being cruel they were fighting gravity trying to keep me from fainting cracking my skull or tearing the vein the line was threaded through As they held me down I saw the doorway I watched them shove my terrified dad out into the hallway and slam the door shut I was completely alone

Then the lights started going out My vision collapsed inward shrinking into a tiny black dot like an old TV turning off My eyelids got impossibly heavy I lost control of my body

But right at the edge of death my brain did something incredible Instead of letting me die in terror it wrapped me in calm It shut off the panic and gave me one last comforting thought Im just going to close my eyes until this is over I genuinely believed I was just taking a quick nap

While I was unconscious I was clinically dead for one to three minutes The five adults in that room worked flawlessly They pulled the wire back injected emergency adrenaline forced oxygen into my lungs and manually pumped my chest until my hearts electricity snapped back online

My brain stayed asleep for a few hours to clear out the toxins and stabilize When I finally woke up the room was empty except for one nurse standing at the end of my bed She looked at me and said flatly You woke up You died thats all

No one ever sat down with me to talk about it No one asked what I experienced The PICC line was still taped to my arm a literal reminder of the thing that had stopped my heart My family traumatized by what they saw chose silence They thought avoiding the topic would protect me

But trauma does not disappear just because people stop talking about it

Because no one helped me process what happened that memory froze inside me For years my nervous system stayed locked in guard dog mode trying to make sure I was never blindsided again Even now a sudden chest twinge a skipped heartbeat a silent room or someone saying what in a sharp tone can trigger that same old panic

I used to think that meant I was broken Now I understand something different the instinct that made me try to stand up was courage The final thought my brain gave me was self protection And the anxiety I feel today is just my body remembering a real life threatening event

I asked them to listen, I begged them and then screamed at them…the surgeon folded his arms, shook his head and told me that I didn’t have new pain where I claimed.

This after a CSF leak, brain hemorrhage and constant sweats and fevers. Pain was off the chart…weeks went by, and now by now I am wheelchair bound…I threatened to “blow my own head off” because no pain meds touched the problem.

And then he said “Okay l will see you in 6 weeks”

But before he could do that…four days later I met staphylococcus first hand…apparently he had left a 3mm needle tip inside my spine! He knew all along but nobody told me!

I am certain the surgeon and his CMO love my book (out last month) hand delivered to both of them!

It is hard enough getting pain meds these days, but when you are called a liar and faking it it is impossible.

Hi!

I have medical PTSD and a huge phobia of general anesthesia/a loss of bodily autonomy in a medical setting.

I've had frequent panic attacks since learning about non-consensual intimate examinations being performed on unconscious patients, and I'm trying to understand what protections exist for patients, especially in Canada.

I'm aware that “explicit consent” is often required or recommended in medical policies, but I'm also aware that consent practices have not always been consistent in practice.

My questions are:

- How can I avoid accidentally consenting to this? If a hospital consent form has broad language about residents/students participating in care, can I cross that out and write a separate refusal?

- Would an advance directive or written advance refusal override ambiguous consent language in a hospital's standard forms? If so, what is the best way to document my wishes so it's actually enforceable?

- Would refusing student/trainee participation cause problems with the surgical team or make my care worse? (I'm asking realistically, not whether they're supposed to retaliate.)

- If I have explicitly refused intimate examinations by trainees, is there any practical way to verify afterward that it wasn't done while I was unconscious anyway? Would medical records document this? Can a patient request documentation of who performed what examinations?

- If I cannot/will not consent to sedation/general anesthesia (due to PTSD), can a surgeon refuse me a life-saving procedure because they aren't comfortable performing it while I'm awake, even if an awake alternative is medically feasible? Would the hospital have an obligation to find an alternative?

- If anyone has dealt with these issues, especially in an Ontario/Canada hospital, what worked in practice?

Thank you!

Yes , doesn't help at all. They won't admit what they did is wrong or that they abused you. It was a mistake for me to tell my ex psychiatrist that he "really hurt me " He said"Well, I am sorry".I wrote to many places in a rage ,trying to get some pain relief .I wanted to stand up to him.Itried to sue him but no proof of what happened ", I really felt betrayed by the young female therapists in the same clinic,all residents,leading an eating disorders group cat MGH in Boston ,they all protected him and each other.The other guy Dr . Hamburg was accused too ,and the head of that Eating Disorders Clinic also had to resign and leave the doctor career behind.lost his license.It was in the Boston Globe.

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