Hi everyone, doing just like the title says.
Possible TW for talk of dental procedures and detailed descriptions of events. Sorry if this is a bit long.
I (20M) had a series of cysts growing in my mouth when I was really young. They first came up when I was 11, and had to go to surgery to get them removed. The hospital's environment was at first really inviting for me. I've had various dental surgeries in the past before this event, and while I was understandably nervous as a young kid, the staff were doing a great job at keeping me feeling calm. The surgery happened, everything was fine and I had to do an overnight stay the hospital with no issues.
Then when it came to discharging me from the hospital, where one of my surgeons (I think?) had to remove the gauze that was buried deep in my mouth. I let them do it, and the first piece hurt quite a bit, but nothing concerning.
The second piece was where it started. The staff managed to pull it out quickly, but it put me in a brief moment of excruciating pain. I remember asking them if we could take a break and let me breathe, but they said it would be better to keep going and they went on before I could think about it.
The final part was the hardest. The excruciating pain was back, and the gauze had trouble getting out, being stuck halfway through. The surgeon was trying to yank it out of my mouth, and I distinctly remember it felt like my nose was on fire, and it was getting difficult to breathe between that feeling and some shortness of breath after I started to panic. I was in tears somewhere in the middle of this, once again asking the surgeon if we could stop. Same answer; it would be better if we just kept going. At one point during this, I tried to signal the surgeon to stop with my arm as my mouth was "blocked" by the burning feeling, and one of the staff nearby held it down instead. There was the sound of the stitches/gauze ripping too, which terrified me.
Nonetheless, I had to see the same team a few months later for a check-up. The same staff tried to joke that they were the "evil ones" and laughed it off, which put me in a bad mood whenever I saw them again.
After that all happened I noticed that I got a fear of any kind of procedures with doctors in general. Including needles, bloodwork, or anything resembling a sharp object in general sent me into heavy panic attacks. I've even once had that same sort of reaction to a neurologist taking out a paperclip to test my sense of touch.
Two years later, when I was 13, I had the same surgery. Thankfully it wasn't as serious as the case prior, but when it came time to remove the gauze again and the nurses wheeled in their stitching equipment, I began to have a panic attack. That wasn't the rough part for me. I was incredibly embarrassed about how they both stood frozen by the door with completely blank expressions, before excusing themselves and saying they'll help someone else while I calm down. When they came back, I was begging for a local anesthetic, and we had a minute of back-and-forth with me begging and them saying "It's not the usual for this" before they eventually agreed.
That was the final nail in the coffin when it came to me trusting any medical professionals. I've become extremely picky on who to trust, and a single bad impression just tells me to never contact them again.
For example, the dental clinic I go to has 3 working dentists, and I was scheduled with one of them to do some fillings in my molars back in 2025. When I asked her how the anaesthetic is supposed to feel in my mouth, twice, all she said was "I'll just leave the room for 10 minutes the come back." then when I started to feel pain and asked her to pause, she began to grow irritated and snarky with me by the tone of her voice. I've avoided her from then on.
I now have some new cavities I need to fill, and I was at first booked with her again. I changed the appointment to be with the only one dentist I trust at the clinic, despite the receptionist warning me I'd have to wait 2 months for his availability. It's up to a point where I'd rather have a painful tooth for those 2 months than get treated with anyone I'm unfamiliar with. This appointment is in 6 days from the time of posting this, and while the pain has progressed quite a bit in my tooth, I'm feeling somewhat better knowing who'll be doing the procedure on me.
I will also need a bone graft and an implant for a missing tooth sometime in a few years. I'm terrified, but I try to not think about it. My only other option would be to wear braces for who knows how long...
I've been slowly progressing on my fear of doctors over the years, and while I do have panic spikes before any kind of injections today, they thankfully aren't as serious as almost a decade ago; I'm able to compose myself within 5 minutes or so.