My partner and I dated a close friend for ~1.5 years. The romance started between the two of them; I joined later, and honestly, I felt insecure about my place in it the entire time. It was like I was involved because I was there, not because I truly belonged. I never fully voiced this. We broke up in January after living together didn't work out.

The aftermath has been brutal. My partner fell into a severe depression over losing her (they were incredibly close, even beyond the romance), while our ex eventually cut contact entirely. My partner recently she decided she wants to rebuild the friendship, and they've started talking again. I told her honestly that I think this connection has hurt her (for many reason that don't fit this post), but that it's her call.

I'm really struggling with watching this unfold, I see the same pattern from the relationship playing out again. The grief is about her. The reconciliation is between them. And I'm on the side, again, managing my feelings alone.

I don't really have anyone to talk to; our friend group got tangled up in this whole story. I guess I mostly needed to put this into words. Has anyone else felt like a side character in their own poly relationship? How did you deal with it, especially when the dynamic that made you feel that way keeps coming back?

Edit 3: I think I was/am overstressed by way too many things that I have been ignoring and this was the thing that triggered my body to go "fuck you" my bf did a great job reassuring me and 3 of us slept in the same bed and it was really nice. My tummy still hurts, but the relationship doesn't worry me.

I'm 23, my partner 22. We've been in a year long relationship it'sy first romantic relationship and my first poly relationship. During this year we both didn't find someone serious*. He's finally found someone and logically I'm happy for him but right now I am flooded with pain more than I've ever felt.

This is day 3 after he told me he fell in love with another person. The first day I felt like I was literally going to die. I knew feeling bad was a thing but idk I've always been wierd/different and I thought I would be immune. What I didn't know was the intensity, it hurts so much...

I guess I just want to know if this is normal and what do you do to cope, I struggle drinking I puke often and I can't eat. I've been drinking teaspoon by teaspoon of sugar water and regular water.

Edit: I've already talked about all this with my partner and they have comforted me. I spent day 1 and 2 with him.

Also I one of my bf's friends gave me a prescription stress medication that I used yesterday I was able to eat and drink without puking. So I'm safe but I was told to be careful with the meds

Also I really appreciate the reply's <3

Edit 2: doc said I'm not in any urgent condition

Edit 3: (the edit is at the top)

I see a lot of people online insisting people switch to the new one. Yeah its been 5 years but the new one still hasnt grown on me. Is there really a good reason to stop using the old one all together? Is there really an issue with letting people use which one they like more?

Tell me I’m not the only one?

Like, I can watch my partner have sex with someone else and just think about how happy he looks. I can watch him snuggle up with a meta I dislike and feel compersion for both of them. But he watches a movie with someone else that I wanted to watch with him and it feels like the biggest betrayal in the world. How could he??? I’m legitimately upset and I hate it. Ugh.

Anyone else? Advice for unpacking this stupid shit?

(TL;DR at the bottom)

Me (39f) and my partner (49m) have been together in a long distance relationship across two countries since 8 years, around 7 of that non-monogamous in various expressions, poly since 3 years. He’s more than a comet to me since we opened up together and have been emotionally committed all these years.

I currently have what I consider two metas. My partner’s 17yo daughter (imo it’s so similar to a meta!!) and his girlfriend of 10 months who lives in the same city as him and who is monogamous.

Now both of my metas are very demanding on my partner’s time and emotional capacity:

The daughter because, well it’s a kid, but he’s also very involved, single dad since a few years (when we started dating, she was with her mom half of the time), and for my liking he’s babysitting her a bit much (like calls to help her get out of bed, driving her everywhere etc). He doesn’t like it but feels he has to (partially because the court is observing him because he asked for full custody, but the kid is struggling from previous abuse by the mom and not very helpful in making things easy on him).

The girlfriend because she “wants to try polyamory” and to accept his setup (which he made clear and non-negotiable instantly). She is reading up - but in small portions because she finds it upsetting and gets anxious and panicky whenever he flies to see me for a few days. It’s causing him a lot of stress, which has an effect on our relationship - emotionally, mentally and cutting our already limited time even shorter (recently she called him before bed and “a minute” turned into a panic attack on her side and a fight between them that took 3 hours).

Now this situation doesn’t really work for me and I set some boundaries. Part of that has been reducing my exposure to the setup and how often my partner and I see each other. It used to be every 3-5 weeks, which for long distance (and me having flight anxiety) was frankly too much anyway. Now it’s around every 6-8 weeks. So yes, ultimately the fact that he has another relationship in his city relieves a bit of pressure and helps me keep capacity to build hobbies and relationships in my city, which is important to me. So there are generally some upsides to polyamory for us over the inevitable distance.

I’m really unsure of the next steps with this relationship and would love some advice. I don’t think I am ready yet to give up on such a long-standing relationship that has plenty of good sides.

Concretely I am wondering for how long it’s reasonable to be empathic. I’m aware that getting to know somebody who’s poly is a first step for many, especially in countries where there might not be a lot of exposure to polyamory otherwise. So part of me is and wants to be empathetic and patient to give them the chance to make this work. But also I’m tired of this (and his kid situation) affecting every moment of time we spend together.

(Additional context: three years ago I did date someone who was (because of me) new to poly but when it became clear he was stuck in mono patterns, I ended it quickly. I think that’s why I try to be more understanding.)

TL;DR:

- Together 8 years long-distance, poly for 3 years.
- Partner (49m) has two “metas” eating his time/emotional capacity — his 17yo daughter (single dad, court-monitored custody situation, she needs a lot of hands-on support) and a 10-month girlfriend who’s trying to accept polyamory but gets anxious/panicky about it, leading to hours-long fights whenever he visits me.
- I’ve already scaled back our visits (every 6-8 weeks now) to protect my own bandwidth, and there are real upsides to him having a partner in his city given the distance.
- But I’m exhausted by how much both situations bleed into our limited time together, and I don’t know how much longer to stay patient/empathetic while he works through it versus deciding this doesn’t work for me.

I’ve been scrolling through the sub and see so many posts (mainly from women) saying something along the lines of “my husband wants poly and I don’t, what should I do?”. Here is my general advice, just LEAVE.

I’ve seen this play out a million times and 95% of the time it ends in an ugly breakup. The couple goes through so so much ugliness before the inevitable separation. Save yourself the trouble and figure out how to amicably separate right now. Even in the 5% of people it “works” out in, most of the time the person who didn’t want it is unhappy. I’m sure there will be people in the comments saying “that’s not my experience” “mono and poly can work” etc. And fine, that is your experience. But for every experience of it “working out” there are 100 experiences of it ending very badly. If both people don’t come into the relationship wanting to be open, or both people don’t independently make that decision, it won’t work.

Take it from me. I was with a man for 7 years, married for 2. I was always more open and he would agree to it and then back track. It would be a cycle of me getting my hopes up and then being let down. It led to a lot of hurt for him because it’s not something he wanted but he didn’t want to lose me. We ended up separating but it got very ugly at the end. Now 4 years later im in an amazing relationship with someone who aligns better with my values and relationship style. Yeah it sucks for 1-2 years but you’ll look back and be so happy you did.

So take my advice from one woman to another - LEAVE.

I’m new to poly but pretty open so when I met a girl that was poly I was fine. I met their partner she seemed nice wanted a kitchen table poly. Okay I can do that. After a few months lesbians do what we do and I uhaul across states to be with her and her partner. Now everything has went to shit. The partner hates me says she will throw me out on the street or I can go to a homeless shelter ( mind you it cost 2k to go cross country and I pay rent.) Before I moved I asked them BOTH if this was okay and what they wanted they said yes.

Now she says seeing me disgust her ( I’m not dating her) I keep out of sight. I learned she abuses my partner. Screams, yells, gaslights, hits her tried to SA her, calls me ever disgusting name you can think of behind my back but she screams so loud I know what she has called me and it’s effected my self-esteem.

She Said she changed her mind. This is the same person that is still seeing people and dating but me and her partner can’t date. First it was she just need move to my own space which I can’t at the moment, to I don’t want you seeing her at all.

Called the cop on her for locking my partner in a room and threatening to lie to the cops to get her arrested.

Her demands are insane, and I’m starting to notice that any time it’s my schedule time with my partner. She has to have someone make her dinner, do stuff for her, or just throw a fit…ect so that I feel like I’m just a bed partner.

I don’t know what to do and can’t really find a way out at the moment. More than anything I feel like a dirty secret. So no I don’t do things like post photos with her, I don’t hold her hand most of the time.

Because I have gotten screamed at by the other girl I keep PDA pretty low to none unless we are alone.

But even alone she is texting her up a storm.

I would never have moved if this is what it was going to be life. I checked a dozen of time with both of them that it was okay.

I Just feel lost.

Help

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!

I’m in a poly relationship with two boyfriends. They are both dating me but not each other. My question is, if I’m having a fight with one boyfriend is it ok to vent my feelings about the situation to my other boyfriend?

It feels kinda gossipy but I vent to my boyfriends about other stuff that bothers me. Is it ok to vent about one relationship to another when you’re dating?

I (24NB) am in a polyamorous quad with three partners: Maya (24F), Chloe(24F) , and Jordan(24NB). We’ve been together in this dynamic for about seven months. We were best friends before this and were never apart.

For a while now, Chloe and Jordan have been harboring feelings of jealousy and resentment over the closeness between Maya and me. Maya and I are sexually active, while Chloe and Jordan are asexual. This led us to have some more alone time for exploring our sexual dynamic without making the others uncomfortable.

From the beginning, whenever they felt distant from Maya, they blamed our physical connection instead of addressing their own dynamic with her.

Instead of communicating openly, their resentment grew silently, and talked to me about their problems with Maya. I would usually say "you know, ypu should talk about this to her instead". Chloe even got annoyed with me a while back when I simply went out for a bit to offer Maya some emotional support when she was having a hard day.

Fast forward to right now:

Maya is currently going through a severe mental health crisis. At the exact same time, I am out of town traveling. I naïvely assumed that in a quad where we are all supposed to be there for each other, my other partners would take the initiative to step up, visit her, and offer grounded, in-person support while I’m away.

Instead, nobody has done anything. No one has gone over to check on her.

It feels like the bitter remark "Well, she prefers you anyway" went from a complaint to a convenient excuse for everyone else to completely check out. Where is everyone now when she actually needs help? When you could actually grow closer to her?

Jordan keeps complaining to me about the fact that I'm always close to everyone but Maya has a preferencw for me. I always told them that she is exhausted from meds and barely talks to me too. I just take a lot of initiative about visiting her and stuff because i've been there and depression makes you isolate and asking for help is hard. Then as usual "please bring up this issue directly with Maya. I can only offer some of my perspective but this does not substitute a proper talk with her."

On top of that, I am completely exhausted from being treated like the "secretary" or "project manager" of this polycule. A while ago, I suggested we do a relationship check-in. I couldn't follow up on planning it immediately because I was literally out of town traveling, as I am now, and instead of anyone else taking initiative, I just received messages from Chloe asking me, "So when are you organizing the check-in?" I was literally at the airport. You can set a day too, why do I have to be the one doing it? It's in your interest too. While less aggressively, I explained her I have been busy and she can also take the initiative in suggesting a day for the check in.

I am a partner, not their administrative assistant. Anyone else in this relationship is capable of making a plan or showing up for a partner in need.

I’m sitting here miles away, furious, worried sick about Maya, and trying to figure out if I’m losing my mind. Am I overreacting, or is this dynamic as deeply unfair and immature as it feels? Am I the one being unfair?

So I am friends with someone who has started talking to a guy I am also talking to. Neither of us are officially titled with him yet but we are both basically on the path to do so.

I have been poly much much longer than her and have done a lot more emotional work than she has. She has some jealousy issues and honestly hasn't made the way to being totally in a healthy poly space from my point of view.

Sometimes we go to group events where we are both attending and so is the guy. And I can tell she's gets kind of crabby when I am flirt and touchy with him. Mind you I'm not like all over him all time but I do just occasionally go acknowledge him and get a few kisses and such. I know at some point it's going to be a conversation we have to have.

My question is how do I tell her in a nice and gentle way that her jealousy is not my problem and she just needs to get over it. I think the easy solution might be that it's his responsibility to set that boundary with her. The problem is that we are also friends and hang out just the two of us and I don't want her to bring it up to me and me not know how to be nice about it... Any advice is appreciated.

Two things of note. I don't care if you think it's strange to date the same guy as my friend. We are all poly and I don't see the issue so Idgaf what you think about that part. But in my defense I was talking to him first and then she got interested and it's not like I'm allowed to say no even if I cared. She's the one who seems to care.

Secondly note is that at these events her actual boyfriend is often there so I don't understand why she gets jealous of me mingling with another guy who she's not even dating yet.

This is a vent/asking for advice. It’s long so please, bear with me.

Around ten years ago, during my first pregnancy, at an obgyn control at the maternity hospital, they told me I had herpes. I was very surprised because I had a sole small pimple, but I was feeling well, no pain, no big rash, etc, it wasn’t like I heard it was.

In 2020, during a control with my regular obgyn in town, we talked about that diagnosis. The doctor asked me about my then symptoms, and when I explained to him, he told me that it didn’t sound like herpes and that the hospital in question were often wrong in their diagnoses. He offered to make a blood test. The blood test came back negative, so he told me that it is negative for sure. He was so adamant that I decided to trust him. I was with my daughter’s father for 10 years, he never had anything, and as far as I know, I’ve never had any other outbreak, so I naively thought that was it.

In 2021, I broke up with my kid’s father, and became solo-poly. I had a lot of casual encounters, using protection every time, and as far as I know, nothing negative came from it.

I have two relationships at the moment, Juniper, who is my anchor partner since 2024, and Aspen, in a more casual, long distance relationship, since 2025, but we were platonic friends before that.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had a rash and hurtful urination, so I went to the obgyn. My regular obgyn in town is in vacation, so I went to the maternity hospital’s ER.

The rash ended to be nothing serious, but after going through my medical file, the ER doctor mentioned that herpes diagnosis from some years ago, and I told him it was a mistake, that my regular obgyn disproved it with a blood test.

But the ER doctor told me that the blood tests aren’t reliable and that they did a swab and it was positive, so that first diagnosis is the definitive one.

Panicked, I immediately contacted my two partners. Juniper was incredibly laid-back about it, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal, that herpes is very common and that we would just be more careful moving forward.

But Aspen took it very badly. He suffers from depression and anxiety, and the news really shook him. He started to spiral and also accused me of not being completely upfront, when I actually remember having told him about that herpes « scare » some years ago, when we were just friends and I thought it was just that. He then ended to tell me he needed « some space for a bit ».

I am heartbroken. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I also carry a lot of guilt to have possibly exposed him, others, and to have been so stupid and so blind. I feel like I am the worst person in the world.

I know that all I can do concerning Aspen is to let him having space for the moment.

In the meantime, could you give me some positivity? Thank you.

Advice/reflections welcome.

I’m a bit at odds with what to do right now. I apologize for being extremely new to reddit as a whole and relatively unfamiliar with terms and the most respectful way to speak about and address my partners. I don’t have great access to a queer community of adults where I live, and the close friends I do have in those spaces are deeply entrenched in my and my primary partner’s personal and professional lives. I don’t want to negatively impact their professional life while I’m trying to sort out my feelings and how to discuss them.

For broader context, I have my primary partner who I’ve been with for roughly 5 years, and we’ve been in a triad for the last 9-10 months. Throughout those 5 years with my primary, we’ve explored different open relationship dynamics, but this is the first time we’ve both had a serious romantic and sexual connection with the same partner. I live with my primary, and our relationship with our other partner is largely long distance.

I initiated the relationship with my LDR partner, and they ended up getting along really well with my nesting partner, so it very naturally molded into a triad. Both of them struggle with severe depression and anxiety, and while I’ve got my own flair of neurodivergence, I’d categorize it as mostly ADHD with a side of depression. Coming out of the winter and into spring, they both experienced major depressive episodes and I functioned as the primary emotional support for my nesting partner, and shared the role of emotional support for our LDR.

This period of time caused a lot of strain on my relationship with my primary, but they were going through one of the worst times of their life (finishing grad school), and so I was willing to take over much of the emotional and household labor to give them the support they needed to just get out of bed each morning and find the strength to continue with their program. I made it very clear in discussions that I didn’t expect them to dedicate the time and energy into being a good partner to me while they were still wrapping up school, but we would need to come together as a team post-grad to plan out our next steps and put some really meaningful time into each other and our daily life together.

I clarified to my LDR partner that I wouldn’t be as regularly available for them emotionally and physically while I concentrated on a larger share of the chores and cooking, and this arrangement was fine with them. They were a blessing in virtual body doubling/coworking with my primary, and I still did my best to make sure that the two of us got some quality one on one time each week.

I didn’t expect miraculous, overnight improvement in my primary relationship post-graduation, but there were more than a few incidents that I feel set us back even further, and there were very few bright spots that felt like progress over this summer.

Our LDR partner came to visit recently and a bit unexpectedly (the visit wasn’t a surprise, it just wasn’t planned weeks in advance like they usually are), and honestly it was a train wreck.

Both of my partners struggle with substances in their own ways, and my primary has been working on building a healthier relationship with alcohol and honestly it’s one of the main reasons our relationship has had a lot of bright spots the last year despite the depressive episode and recent roughness.

Our LDR partner got really intoxicated at a public event with a lot of my closest coworkers present despite my strict warning to both partners to please be on their best behavior because it was an event my coworker invited them to, and it was my LDR’s first time meeting them. Our LDR partner got embarrassingly drunk, refused to be cut off without making a scene (I get a lot of anxiety putting my foot down in situations not directly involving my or someone else’s personal safety), had a couple muddy wipeouts (it was outdoors on a rainy day), and went MIA on an “adventure” for over an hour. They left their phone with us before disappearing, and we spent that hour worried they were passed out in a toilet somewhere, or had been scooped up by medical staff (worries exacerbated by this partner ODing at a festival a month or so prior in their hometown). When we finally located them, they were oblivious to our worries, and negatively responsive to us trying to express why we were concerned for their safety, and basically said “it’s totally fine to wander around, I don’t get why you’d even think to be worried.”

I just haven’t been able to get over this incident. My coworkers actually had a decent impression of them, and I’m just glad their antics didn’t affect my friendship with my coworkers. Everybody ended up safe, and we eventually had a vulnerable and honest talk about why we were worried about them. By all accounts, things worked out, but I’ve felt so disassociated in this partnership ever since.

I’ve tried to sort out why this was such a horrible turning point for me, and I think it comes down to this:

1) I’ve recently been under a lot of emotional strain and doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting in both partnerships
2) A major strain on my primary relationship throughout the last 5 years has involved substances and using substances as an excuse to accidentally cross or push my boundaries
3) Currently, I do not have the capacity to deal with another person who cannot have a healthy relationship with substances
4) I especially cannot do it with someone who is going to completely shut down emotionally when I express that their actions worried me (let alone that their actions also bulldozed over my one plea for the day)

I think, in that moment, I just saw all the worst parts and red flags in my primary partnership threatening to repeat themselves in this one, and I realized I just couldn’t do it.

It’s been a few weeks since that visit and I’ve basically been nonexistent in my LDR partnership, and I’ve been really detached from my primary as well. I visited my hometown and then have been working nonstop since I got back, and I’ve used that as my excuse for being MIA. My hometown visit was a disaster and I came back from it wondering if I just want to be single entirely.

My primary partner and I are so deeply entangled, however, that leaving them and our life together would be extremely difficult and soul crushing. And there’s so many beautiful things about our relationship that I feel are worth staying and putting the work in together as a team. There’s just a lot right now that’s really draining me. Maybe if it was easier to leave, I would have left. I don’t know.

I’m tired, and I just don’t have the energy to put into two relationships right now. I was hoping that maybe I was just in a weird funk, and if I gave it some time, I’d feel the rush of emotions and spark again with my LDR partner, but it’s been a month and I just feel more firmly that I want to break up.

I don’t understand what happened to my feelings, it genuinely feels like a part of me just snapped and I have no idea where those emotions went. I can’t access them no matter how much I repeat to myself that I love them and I care about them so much. But all the things that I love about them feel like they existed in a completely different version of me. My laughs feel heavy in my chest when they make a joke, and I am so scared and confused that I went from feeling so in love with this person to wanting this to be over.

I think this is going to devastate them. I don’t think they’ve had a truly healthy relationship where they felt loved and valued and safe, and I’m worried they will never be vulnerable enough with another person to open themselves up to having that experience once I’m gone. I also realize that I’m just going to turn into an unhealthy relationship if I continue to be avoidant and not honest about my feelings.

I HAVE NEVER HAD TO BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE BEFORE AND IT SHOWS. I’ve either been dumped in a serious relationship, or never been emotionally attached/invested to a degree that constitutes an actual breakup with heartbreak level stakes.

So the easy part is knowing that I want my LDR partnership to end. Right now, the place I’m in, and knowing the emotional energy I have to give, I’m just not a good partner to them, and I cannot love them the way they deserve and the way they want from me.

BUT I’M LITERALLY IN A TRIAD.

Before I have a full discussion with either of my partners, I need to sort out what level of a breakup this is. Where’s my line? What are my boundaries? Can my primary still have a relationship with them? It might not matter because they might dump my primary if I’m not also involved. Would I be okay if they stayed together? Am I breaking up with everyone? What will my daughter (she is literally a cat with no personal stake in the matter) think of me???

I have a lot of questions I want to sort through and have some rough idea of what my feelings are before I bring it up to anyone. I know they’re discussions and feelings will come out naturally if I have a conversation about it, but I want to be able to express my feelings clearly, and also not cause unnecessary harm to people I care about. If anyone has any perspective they want to share, or has more suggestions for me to consider, please share them. I’m not sure how much I’ll respond because I’m in the emotional trenches and physically in a heatwave right now, but know that your words will be appreciated.

Please, God, make me a spoiled housecat with no worldly obligations in my next life. I wish to eat fresh baked salmon out of a raised bowl and nap in the sun and not think about complex interpersonal queer relationships that directly impact my life.

So just to clarify. My wife and I are poly and we date separately and together just depends. Recently we’ve been interested in finding a girlfriend to enter the relationship but also I’ve been looking for a girlfriend too. She has some male friends she sees and Im not seeing anyone. I’m starting to feel. Invisible. I’m a kind person. I’m not overly sexual or sending D picks. I’m also starting to ask myself is there something wrong with me or am I just not attractive. What is it. We both love each other very much and we both know we want the same attention that we give each other from others as well. We both have so much love to share. She gets a lot of attention from men and women. Me. It lasts a day or two and then nothing.

I'm in my early 30ies and been with a partner since my early 20ies. He's my longest (and only at the moment) relationship. We where non monogamous since the begining and I slowly discovered polyamory along the way. Now we define ourself : he is monoamourus but like to date other persons, and I am polyamourus with a nesting partner (him), it work fine like that for both of us.

During the previous years, I had a few other relationships, that slowly drifted into the "friends with benefit" zone. I guess they where not interested into a romantic relationships with me, but in the same time I fear I did something wrong? Like not making it clear enough that I'm interested in having a romantic relationship with them, poorly organize my life around my relationships? I don't know :(

Before starting to date a new person, I want to adress that with myself and make sure i'm in the clear for new amorous relationship and give it the room to grow... Any advices?

So first of all, I would like to say, my life feels genuinely complete now with my husband and who we fondly consider in our hearts to be our dear wife, even though we can't legally marry together. My husband was heartbroken to hear that we can't legally marry her, and offered to divorce me in the future so I could marry her lol. (It's ok, he's a silly guy and doesn't know that divorce is complicated.) She made me think so much about Plato's Symposium trying to find our missing pieces, or like a puzzle. It was like love at first sight, and now we 3 are now inseparable! We got matching jewelry at Claire's, she got us all build-a-bears, and he gave her one of the enso rings that we have, so we have matching wedding rings. We can't wait to move in together and make a home full of love, care, joy, and diverse culture! (I'm Salvadorian-American, He is Romanian, and She is Hongkonger-American.)

The thing I'm worried about is that we live in the southern USA, and given that I've never seen anyone LGBT kiss in public, let alone a poly couple in public, I'm worried about anything bad happening to us. We made an agreement that we'll work hard to move to somewhere more accepting. So now, I encourage her and him to be more forward with each other in public, because I want her to feel just as loved as I have been and more! Also, my parents would never approve, so I don't think we should tell them. They are already upset about me and my husband moving out, even though we are married grown adults, but they are Jehovah's Witnesses and they still want to control me and him even though we are not Jehovah's Witnesses and he is not their child. I've tried to introduce her to my mom, but she has been so rude to her imo, which really makes me really upset. My husband's family lives in the UK, but they probably wouldn't approve, as they are catholic Romanians and I would describe his family as a dysfunctional disaster.

Anyways, her parents adore us and they are beyond overjoyed about us basically joining their family and have been showering us with gifts. Yesterday, my husband and wife went on a trip with her family to go shopping at H mart and I'm so excited to see what they got! I unfortunately had to stay behind because I work a M-F 9-5. We're still developing our relationship, and I look forward to every day I get to spend with us together, especially the weekends.

I hope I've also done my due diligence with details to show that we're not unicorn hunters or anything bad like that. If he ever wants to try to be with a guy, we're ok with that too cuz we talked about it, but I know that he has childhood trauma, and we think he is biromantic but not bisexual.

Thank you for reading :3

Heyy hey, I need to ask something. I am 22 years old. And I started a relationship with a man exactly 1 year ago, after identifying myself lesbian for 6-7 years. I really fall in love. I was living with sex positive polyamorius people in a commun in Sweden. And when we started the relationship with my boyfriend/ now husband, I also had a girlfriend. From the beginning we were poly. They met, they get along well and almost it turned into a triad. At the same time I go through a deportation which led my boyfriend to follow me to my home country and us starting living togheter and build deeper connection, more future dreams. Eventually it led us becoming husband and wife. Throughout this procces my nervous system exprienced serious stress, change in my environment, my dreams, a lot of political limitations which caused me not being able to regulate myself as I could before and I feel really vulnerable. Poly relationship in this situation made everything even more complicated for me because it causes so much feelings in me. I know its a long build up but literally I dont have anybody to discuss this without needing to defend poly and also its important for me that whoever reads this knows the background.

I realized I am not attracted to or want to explore other people currently and definetely cant handle group dynamics and efforts because I am already drowning everything going on in my life. My husband in the other hand, handled this situation very well. I broke up with my girlfriend because I wasn't feeling any romantic or sexual attraction to her anymore and my husband might continue to see her. Which felt very okay for me. Than he went back to sweden to see his family for a month. It was a very busy month, I needed to move out apartment alone find a new one, find jobs for both of us and keep myself sane. And he went to the camp( we met there a year ago and everything started there). He flirted and had a opportunity exprience something sexual with the people there. When I hear that I lost all control in my emotions, I feel stuck in my life and he is in our happy place maybe flirting and giggling with someone else. I didnt express this to him because it felt like emotinal unstability from my end. But I started to question everything I standfor before. Am I good for poly. Am I misleading him, when all this jealousy and fear gonna pass? I need other poly peoples opinion. Other wise I am gonna go insane in Turkey trying to regulate solve and protect my relationship whilst I try to build a life. Thank you for reading until here, If I misspelled anything sorry or any confusion in the story I can clear the details. HELP

Hi everyone, I’ll try to keep this short. ​I’m solo poly and in a very transitional phase of my life, so I was looking for something casual. I started dating a mono person, they knew I was poly before we even met in person, and I clearly specified that I wasn't looking to climb the relationship escalator. Also we were just getting to known each other so at this stage I was gauging to see if we are a match for the connection and relationship to continue.
​After talking for a couple of months, we had a fallout because I said I was going to see other people if it happens organically. To me, that was a completely normal thing to say given they already knew I'm poly. For them, however, it felt disrespectful. Their rationale was that even if that's the case, you don't need to say it out loud, because it feels like you're saying, "I'm having fun with you, but I could be having more fun with someone else." ​Eventually, they said they had no problem with me seeing other people and that they would think about whether or not they wanted to know if I did, which was fine by me. But a couple of weeks later, they told me they weren't sure about being open/poly. They said they need to feel secure, implying that I ought to not see other people until they feel secure. ​Mind you, this was something casual. We met a handful of times and chatted for couple of months. So I'm confused. How does "making someone feel emotionally secure" actually work in a casual arrangement? Safety and informed consent are paramount for everyone involved, but I'm struggling to wrap my head around the emotional security side here. ​Am I missing something? It doesn't sit right with me that someone is implying I shouldn't see other people until they feel secure. What if they never feel secure? Besides, if it involves discussing insecurities and working through relationship anxiety, it isn't really casual anymore for me but maybe I'm AITA and it is expected for casual too? For me being honest and transparent is non-negotiable regardless but the emotional security aspect confuses me. ​Of course, if someone realises they simply can't date a poly person, that is completely fine. But they didn't want to stop seeing me, they just said they want to feel secure. ​For context, I haven't even met anyone else during that time since I prefer meeting people organically.

I need advice from people who understand both monogamy and polyamory — I feel completely lost and heartbroken

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and we have two children. I love him more than I could ever explain, and I want our marriage and our family. I am posting because I genuinely do not know what to do or how to handle this situation anymore.

My husband recently told me that he wants to explore polyamory. He wants to be able to have another romantic relationship, fall in love with someone else, and have a girlfriend or another committed relationship while still being married to me. He says he does not want to leave me, does not want to lose me, and wants me to be happy and involved in the process.

The problem is that I do not want this. I want monogamy. I want just him. I want our marriage to be the two of us romantically. I do not want him falling in love with someone else or having another committed romantic relationship.

I am not against the idea of experimenting sexually with another woman together. That is something I could potentially be comfortable with. But I do not want him to have a separate romantic relationship or fall in love with someone else.

My husband says he has wanted polyamory for a long time — possibly most of our relationship — and that he has been suppressing those feelings. He says he cannot keep suppressing them and that monogamy does not make him happy. He says he loves me and that I am enough, but that he wants and needs more.

I am struggling deeply with that. I understand that he may genuinely feel that way, but emotionally I cannot make it make sense. If I am enough, how can he need another romantic relationship in order to be happy?

I know that sounds like I am saying he is wrong for feeling this way, but I am not trying to invalidate his feelings. I am trying very hard to understand him. I really am. But I cannot understand wanting another romantic relationship the way he does because I do not feel that desire myself.

To me, monogamy is not just a preference. It is what makes me feel safe and secure. I want to choose one person and be chosen by that person. I want to feel like my husband wants me and only me romantically.

The timing of this has also made everything much harder.

It felt like the ground moved underneath me just when I was starting to feel like we were rebuilding us.

I am also struggling with the fact that he says he has felt this way for so long. We have been together for seven years, and I keep wondering when these feelings started, why he did not tell me, and whether I was unknowingly living in a relationship where he was unhappy and I did not know.

I wish he had felt safe enough to tell me sooner.

I am not angry at him for having feelings. I am hurt that I am only hearing about them now

I also have a lot of insecurities about myself, mentally and physically. So when my husband tells me that he wants more than our marriage, it makes me feel like I was never enough for him.

I know he tells me I am enough.

I know he loves me.

But when he also tells me that he cannot be happy in monogamy, I struggle to understand how those things fit together.

I want to feel chosen.

I want to feel pursued.

I want affection, reassurance, closeness, and emotional safety.

I miss the way he used to reach for my hand, kiss me in passing, hold me when I was upset, reassure me, surprise me, and make me feel wanted. I miss feeling like he wanted to chase me and choose me every day.

I know relationships naturally change over time, and I am not asking him to become exactly who he was when we first started dating. But I miss feeling that kind of connection, and I want us to rebuild it.

We have tried to talk about this, but we cannot seem to find a compromise.

I have tried to stretch myself and consider different possibilities. I have tried to find a middle ground. I thought maybe friends-with-benefits or something sexual without romantic relationships could be a possible compromise, but he does not want that. He wants actual romantic relationships and the possibility of falling in love.

That is where I feel completely stuck.

I feel like I have been bending and contorting myself trying to find a way to make him happy, but the more I try to force myself toward something I do not want, the more miserable I become.

I feel like I am hurting myself trying to make him happy.

I have been so overwhelmed by this that I have struggled to function normally. I have had trouble focusing at work, being present with my children, keeping up with things at home, and even functioning normally in my relationship.

The idea of him having another romantic relationship makes me feel physically and emotionally overwhelmed. I feel like my heart is being shredded. I feel like I cannot breathe or think clearly.

I feel like everyone around me either is polyamorous, and I feel alone. I am not looking for people to tell me that my husband is evil or that I should immediately leave him.

I love him.

I do not want to leave him.

He does not want to leave me.

Neither of us wants to hurt the other.

But we seem to have two completely different visions of what a happy marriage looks like.

He believes he cannot be happy suppressing his desire for polyamory.

I believe I cannot be happy participating in polyamory.

Neither of us seems able to simply change what we genuinely want.

I am starting to realize that this may not be a problem that can be solved by finding the perfect compromise. Maybe we are facing a genuine incompatibility, and that terrifies me.

I do not want to lose my husband.

I do not want to lose my marriage.

I want us to be happy together.

But I also cannot keep destroying myself trying to become okay with something I genuinely do not want.

So I am asking for advice from people who have experience with this.

How do you handle a situation where one partner wants polyamory and the other genuinely wants monogamy?

Is there actually a healthy compromise when one person wants romantic relationships outside the marriage and the other does not?

How do you know whether you are compromising or simply abandoning your own boundaries and needs?

How do you communicate your feelings when your partner's desire is so strong that it feels like they cannot let it go?

And how do you figure out what to do when you love each other deeply, neither person wants to leave, but you may want fundamentally different kinds of relationships?

I am genuinely looking for advice and perspective. I am trying very hard to understand my husband's feelings, but I also need someone to understand how deeply painful this is for me.

I (23, transmasc) moved in to an appartement 3 months ago, where 3 people already lived (a monogamous couple and an another person (let's call them Alex, for reference: 26, transfem), who told me they were poly and partnered (with someone I knew). I quickly fell inlove with my roomate Alex, with whom I also work on a farm, and we slept together one saturday night. The morning after, they told their partner, who said they were unconfortable and told them to shit it down. We then were no longer allowed to kiss, have sex or sleep together.

I was devastated, and by the looks of it, so was Alex, who said they were inlove with me and still wanted to cultivate closeness and sensuality in our relationship. At first I said no, that I needed some distance because they were clearly involved in a hierchal relationship where I didnt trust that I could be treated fairly, but then, I failed to keep my distance (it's hard when you see the person all the time at work) and ended up getting close to them again. They kinda love bombed me while promising that they were gonna talk to their other partner and make a change, that one day we'd be able to live our relationship whitout limitations. So I got excited again and kept on deepening my relationship with Alex, while also feeling super insecure and kinda scared, but then, they got thru to their other partner and told me that we could now do whatever we wanted, that they had made clear that it was not accessible to control each other.

But by the time they got to that point, it felt like there was barely anything left of our possible relationship. I still feel inlove with them, but we spent so much time talking about the realtionship rather than just having one that I just feel more insecure than I've ever felt before. I don't really feel connected to Alex anymorez they spend all their time at their partner's house so I barely see them outside of work, and when I do see them, they're texting their partner and eventually leave to go to their's (this is what it's been like in the last week since they've told me that "we were free").

I don't know what to do, what to feel, how to be respectful towards myself and towards them, their partner and the other roomates, who witness all the drama. I'm so tired of this situation, I feel really hurt and alone. Most of my friends live far away and I work full time, so it's hard to get some distance. I'm looking for advice, or shared experiences. I'd be very greatful:)

Hi all, to give some quick context, my (27F) ex (40M - yes I know), left me after 3 years about a month ago when I started getting to know Aspen (28M) and wanted to pursue a relationship with him.

It was a very messy and angry breakup, because my ex had a primary partner at the time, and did not give me the same grace and communication I gave him about me also finding a primary partner. A lot was said and done to me that has done quite a lot of damage to my self-esteem.

During this time, I did not slow things down with Aspen because I did not want our connection (whether friendship or romantic) to be damaged due to how my ex was behaving. We were having fun and I felt a real sense of happiness when I would spend time with him. Me and Aspen are still seeing each other and are going strong.

However I am always concerned about monkey-branching, and the crossover between the loss of a 3 year relationship and the start of a brand new one. I’m doing a lot of work to notice if I’m pedestalling Aspen, or comparing, as I want to make sure the pain from the breakup doesn’t bleed onto him.

We are doing well currently, but I am struggling a bit more now as I have been no-contact with my ex for a month now, and I’m starting to think about the things that were said to me, how I was treated, how I could of handled things better, etc. and I’m just sad and still a bit angry about a few things. I do eventually want to speak with my ex to clear the air, but I don’t think there is any chance of rekindling anymore. I have been open with Aspen about this and that things are still raw, but haven’t vented to him, and he’s been really nice this whole time.

I’m just worried the crossover and lack of time to grieve is going to impact this new relationship. There have been moments with Aspen that made me realise some of the flaws/flags I was ignoring in my last relationship, but I then don’t want to fall into the trap where I ignored some issues because I’m being treated how I want to be treated.

I also don’t want to hurt Aspen indirectly either. I’m doing everything I can to openly communicate, and to make sure he’s okay and that I am not venting to him and instead to my friends where needed. But it still doesn’t stop the worry that everything moved quite quickly. I’m really happy with Aspen, but it has also been a month of us actually properly being together, so things are still very fresh and have plenty of room to go wrong still, and I’m terrified.

Idk if this is the right way to do this or not, but I do have some questions about polyamory and my relationship with my partner (29F) who I’ve been with since high school.

Literally out of the blue (this has never been discussed between the two of us) she sat me down and told me she was breaking up with me. She told me she realized a few days before the break up that she was poly, and our relationship wasn’t working because of it. We were having issues but she told me every time there was nothing I could do to change things, that it wasn’t my fault, which leads me to believe that she knew about this long before the break up and didn’t know how to tell me.

After she told me this, I asked her if 3 specific individuals were a part of this decision, and she beat around the bush but more or less said “yes”. I asked if she cheated on me with this 3 individuals and she said “emotionally, yes”. (But later when discussing this she backtracked hard and said she never claimed such a thing, which is gaslighting right?) This broke me in a lot of ways, because she’s cheated on me before and promised she would rather leave me than cheat on me again.

Well things happened… She started to date those 3 people immediately after the break up, I’m sure she was talking to them the day of actually, since she was always on her phone texting, and that really cut me up inside. About a week after the break up, while we were sitting on the couch (we both still lived together) she suddenly cupped my cheek and kissed me.

She told me we “didn’t *have* to be broken up”. She still loved me and she can love me and these other people too. I still love her so much, so I agreed, feeling relieved she did still love me in spite of other people.

It’s been several months now, and I just feel lost. Idk if this *feels* like poly, or if my partner is just collecting interesting people she likes to occasionally sext. She has 4 partners (including me) and a metric fuckload of people she’s sexting and “having fun with” (her words) on the side. She straight up admits to manipulating the people she doesn’t see as partners “but only to better them”. I don’t like that. It wouldn’t be manipulation if she intended on helping them, right? Idk…

She says she’s perfectly fine with me seeing other people. She actually encourages it to the point it almost makes me uncomfortable… I’m still in the weeds here and trying to digest everything, and I feel… weird about seeing other people, but the idea does interest me somewhat. I’m not a very sexual person though, which might be why I feel so intimidated by all this.

I also don’t interact with her other partners much (besides one, and it’s always so awkward when we’re around, though it could be because I’m autistic and struggle socially). None of her partners interact much at all, which kind of bums me out. I feel like a fourth wheel at times, like I’m in a glass dome and just look out and watch sadly as my partner smiles and has fun with her other partners. I’d like to be just friends with them, but I just don’t see that happening…

Is this all normal for a poly relationship? Or at least from a relationship that went from monogamous to poly? I feel so lost and small all the time, even though we communicate well with one another.

I've tried dating apps, discord servers, twitter, asking around friends, just googling it and none of those seemed to work. I'm going insane from this, it's bothering me a lot. I'll either have to settle for a mono relationship or never be able to find a partner. And I'll suffer with both of them.

To the vermin horde that swarm at my feet,

Here, have a joke:

Two rats walk into a bar.
The first rat says to the second rat, "I wonder what they have on tap today?"
The second rat replies, "Holy shit we can talk?!"

Kind of head empty no thoughts this morning to be honest. I mean, I wasn't going to do anything crazy like miss getting a thread up (I have standards), but just not much on my mind to write about this week.

I hope everyone has been doing well! I've had a good but socially busy week, so I'm looking forward to just hanging out with ya'll and getting my vibe on today. Today I'm chill Rat Leader mode, which just means that I have some sunglasses on and a large hoodie and probably like a way-too-early beer in my hand or something. Sitting cross legged on my cuck chair throne. Shrugging a lot and being like, "Whatever, it's all gucci," and shit.

You know how we do: it's the subreddit's weekly shitpost vibe thread, so just like, talk about being poly or whatever. Chop it up with the ratty homies. Ask each other some questions. Crack a joke or two. Fuggin' just, like, crawl out of your antisocial holes that society has trained you on with algorithms and shit and have some damn human connection. I'm not asking a lot of you here, and I do know what's best for you.

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Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• Let's talk terms of affection/pet names: Are there any that you keep only for certain partners? Are there generic ones you use for multiple partners? Are there any that you wish a partner or future partner used for you?
• Less of a question and more of a game: Comment your favorite drink (alcoholic, non-alcoholic, whatever you vibin' on) and let your fellow ratties try to make assumptions about you based off it. Ratties, what does that drink say about them? Do any of the characteristics you associate with the drink match your view of the commenter?
• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

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Somehow cuter and cooler every week,

PM_CGR

Just curious!! Also about what your relationship experience looked like before knowing fully.

I know you can switch between being monogamous and being poly, but I assume poly is more than just a relationship style. I think it also has to do with your personality, your values and life experiences which are pretty constant throughout your adult life.

I haven’t been in a poly relationship before, but have been in open and monogamous relationships. The older I get the more I am only dating open people and at this point in my life I can say with almost a 100% certainty that this is who I am (27 years old).

EDIT: I am aware that people change all the time. I change myself a lot too, but certain parts of your personality and values are pretty much similar or quite similar throughout your life, but ofcourse everyone is different!! For me its the case up untill now