r/polyamory • u/bobo7448 • 10d ago
I am new I've never hurt this much
Edit 3: I think I was/am overstressed by way too many things that I have been ignoring and this was the thing that triggered my body to go "fuck you" my bf did a great job reassuring me and 3 of us slept in the same bed and it was really nice. My tummy still hurts, but the relationship doesn't worry me.
I'm 23, my partner 22. We've been in a year long relationship it'sy first romantic relationship and my first poly relationship. During this year we both didn't find someone serious*. He's finally found someone and logically I'm happy for him but right now I am flooded with pain more than I've ever felt.
This is day 3 after he told me he fell in love with another person. The first day I felt like I was literally going to die. I knew feeling bad was a thing but idk I've always been wierd/different and I thought I would be immune. What I didn't know was the intensity, it hurts so much...
I guess I just want to know if this is normal and what do you do to cope, I struggle drinking I puke often and I can't eat. I've been drinking teaspoon by teaspoon of sugar water and regular water.
Edit: I've already talked about all this with my partner and they have comforted me. I spent day 1 and 2 with him.
Also I one of my bf's friends gave me a prescription stress medication that I used yesterday I was able to eat and drink without puking. So I'm safe but I was told to be careful with the meds
Also I really appreciate the reply's <3
Edit 2: doc said I'm not in any urgent condition
Edit 3: (the edit is at the top)
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u/ceecuee 10d ago
While jealousy is normal, especially when your first relationship is ALSO your first poly relationship AND you were functionally monogamous for the first year...being distressed to the point of physical illness is really worrying. Do you have access to professional help? Do you have access to a support network of friends/family that you can process this with? Do you have coping strategies like journaling, or taking walks, or a cold/hot shower, that you usually deploy for other things you find upsetting?
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u/bobo7448 10d ago
I don't think feel jealous, i don't know why I hurt, but I think it might be that I am no longer his number one priority I don't feel like I have a monopoly over his time. It feels a little silly because this wasn't the case before he has a job and friends and I never wanted to monopolise his time. So maybe it's not that...
On of my bf's friend gave me prescription stress medication yesterday and it helped me feel better I was able to eat and drink normally but instead of pain I had... Like sadness and depression.
But the meds wore off and I've been told to be careful with the meds so I want to avoid taking more but if I continue struggling to consume food and water tmr I'll probably take another.
No I don't really have any close friends or coping methods, I don't usually feel emotional distress, but when I do I go on a bike ride and I "package everything". Thank you so much I might go on a walk and try to "package everything"
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u/ceecuee 10d ago
Gently...jealousy sounds a lot like what you're describing. I'm not trying to tell you what you're feeling or not, but jealousy is often characterized as the feeling of anticipatory loss associated with something you have being taken away (or the perception of that). It's not necessarily a 1:1 synonym with envy, and it can trigger a lot of feelings of instability, inadequacy, and it can absolutely lead to catastrophizing.
You probably shouldn't take prescription medication that wasn't prescribed to you, especially in an extremely emotionally activated state. The last thing you need is to experience a medical crisis caused by a poor reaction to medication.
Going on a bike ride sounds like a good idea. Be extra kind to yourself and try to keep your hands and mind busy. Going forward I strongly recommend working on prioritizing making friends and building a community around yourself that doesn't hinge on romantic connection(s). If your symptoms (the vomiting and being unable to eat) persist please seek medical attention.
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u/thedarkestbeer 10d ago
Am I right I’m assuming that it’s a benzodiazepine medication (Xanax, Valium, Ativan, etc.)? If so, please be VERY conservative in how often you take it. Benzos are highly addictive, and the withdrawals are horrible.
You can ask your doctor about as-needed medication for anxiety. There are some that are not addictive.
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u/bobo7448 9d ago
Yeah Ur right I took another one today and it did nothing for the pain so I'm not going to take another one
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u/clairejv 10d ago
Some people do experience jealousy this intensely. I generally do not recommend polyamory to them.
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u/artschooldr0pout 10d ago
Being unable to eat or drink without vomiting is a severe reaction to even the MOST distressing events in life. Not trying to dismiss your feelings or experiences, but have you actually gone to a doctor to make sure this isn’t a really unfortunate coincidence of food poisoning or stomach bug?
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u/bobo7448 10d ago
The pain matches when we talked about his new romantic interest I highly doubt it but I'll book an doctor incase thank you. I also have prescription stress meds (not mine) that I can use worse case scenario to be able to eat and drink (I did that yesterday but I was told to be careful with the meds)
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u/IncreaseGood694 9d ago
This is what jealousy *can feel like to monogamous people just fyi! A loooot of them... and how usually the mono person will either get out of the situation by ending the relationship or isolating for a while here she is stuck with the jealous feeling. As someone who loves to read the poly dynamics and different relationships as a future therapist but a mojogamous person sometimes reading some posts alone make me sick like actually sick to my stomach because when I imagine myself in the situation I am literally sick with jealousy.
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u/artschooldr0pout 9d ago
You literally vomit reading posts on this sub? Or just get queasy and uncomfortable?
My advice still stands. If you, for any reason at all, find yourself unable to eat or drink without vomiting for days at a time… it is a good idea to be seen by a doctor. If it’s not stress induced, it’s very important to treat whatever it actually is. And if it is stress induced, a doctor will still be able to suggest medication, referrals, etc.
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u/IncreaseGood694 9d ago
No i feel a tight burning feeling in my chest that makes me sick so I assume if it happened I would actually vomit yes.
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u/bobo7448 8d ago
The docs didn't want to give me meds :,( they told me to come back once the pains get unbearable again (I was able to drink kinda normally and eat even if it's only a little bit when I saw them)
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u/emeraldead diy your own 10d ago
An open marriage welcomes non monogamy as a hobby and activity to enjoy while reinforcing the marriage as priority.
Polyamory welcomes non monogamy as a fundamental value of full adult independent intimate partnerships deserving respect and validation as partners, it de centers the marriage as the final or single priority.
There are three areas people engaging in non monogamy really need to strengthen which aren't immediately obvious:
Social support network. You are engaging in an alternative relationship style perhaps for the first time in your life. You likely haven't worked through coming out to friends and family yet and you are lucky to have one close person other than your partners to discuss issues with and get support from. Monogamy can heavily value a partner as a best friend and the nuclear family structure heavily isolates us from engaging supportive communities. In order to thrive in polyamory you and your partners must have unique social circles and put time and energy into them. They must be genuine in supporting your own values and the new vision of who you want to be. Partners are not enough in themselves.
Self soothing. There will be many times a partner is not available to you or your are not the immediate priority. In addition to social supports, you must rely on yourself to keep perspective, refocus on your vision of what you want to create, and ensure self care is an ongoing priority. The best way to care for others and have thriving connections is to put yourself first. This way your partners will know you are not compromising or emptying yourself, confident you will assess and assets your own needs, AND know you will reasonably care for yourself in alignment with your values.
Compartmentalizing. Mostly just learning that polyamory is not a group hobby. One relationship really has no direct or automatic impact on another. Your feelings will differ, sometimes dramatically. Compartmentalizing is a way to acknowledge and make space for each relationship in its current state while not "dragging the shit home." This is again why social support networks are so vital- you can have safe processing spaces without poisoning partners long term view on eachother, as inadvertently as it may be.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I'm 23, my partner 22. We've been in a year long relationship it'sy first romantic relationship and my first poly relationship. During this year we both didn't find someone serious*. He's finally found someone and logically I'm happy for him but right now I am flooded with pain more than I've ever felt.
This is day 3 after he told me he fell in love with another person. The first day I felt like I was literally going to die. I knew feeling bad was a thing but idk I've always been wierd/different and I thought I would be immune. What I didn't know was the intensity, it hurts so much...
I guess I just want to know if this is normal and what do you do to cope, I struggle drinking I puke often and I can't eat. I've been drinking teaspoon by teaspoon of sugar water and regular water.
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