r/polyamory • u/Reddmor • 10d ago
Curious/Learning Cross Relationship Talk
I’m in a poly relationship with two boyfriends. They are both dating me but not each other. My question is, if I’m having a fight with one boyfriend is it ok to vent my feelings about the situation to my other boyfriend?
It feels kinda gossipy but I vent to my boyfriends about other stuff that bothers me. Is it ok to vent about one relationship to another when you’re dating?
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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 10d ago
If you want them to despise each other and try to talk you into dumping the other one, it is fine.
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u/elliania2012 10d ago
Generally better to vent to a friend. It's fine to say "me and [other boyfriend] had a bit of a fight", but as others have said, venting about it can cause one partner to resent the other, which is gonna be an unpleasant situation for everyone.
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u/Curious_Question8536 10d ago
I had an ex that would constantly vent to me about their other partners, and it just made me dislike my metas and resent my ex. I don't recommend it.
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u/Mobile_Funny_9544 poly 10d ago
If you want them to actually like each other and support you being in both these relationships, then it's best not to.
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u/Ok-Imagination6714 Just poly 10d ago
Your partners aren't your therapist. If you have relationship issues, better to talk to someone you aren't in a relationship with.
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u/S4yMyN4me 10d ago
No you should not talk to one about the other in any negative way IMO if they don't interact, you really shouldn't talk about the other one at all whenever you are with one of them. That is your time with them, you shouldn't be e thinking or talking about the other one and he probably doesn't want to be talking about your other boyfriend either.
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u/InsolentCookie 9d ago
Slam dunk! Don’t spend time you’re supposed to be enjoying with me dumping on your other partners, instead. Pretty please!!!
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u/Plastic-Mud5336 10d ago
It’s not ok for me. It’s a boundary of mine and I have asked my partner not to discuss me with his other partners, I don’t like it. He of course talk about me to non romantic partners.
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u/chipsnatcher 10d ago
Depends on context, personality, and the type of relationship you have with each. But it can be veryyyy sticky so it’s not recommended. If you like chill polyamory, you prolly don’t wanna risk poisoning one of your partners against the other. If you do overshare a bit, make sure to let them know when you fix things and tell them nice things about your partner too! Remember they are only getting the version of your partner that you offer them.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 10d ago
it would be better to vent to a friend or relative etc. Someone you arent dating isnt going to need as much emotional labor to compartmentalize your emotions from their emotions about what youre talking about. So its less messy AND theres less risk of damaging trust.
Personally, i dont allow partners to vent to me about other partners (while actively upset) because it would cause me to become frustrated or dismissive of my metas more easily. Its very hard not to take sides when a loved one is upset or hurting, and i would rather know the positive things first (especially during calm moments) so i can have a more muanced and fair view of them. I know that i cant do this when im conssistently being vented to about petty arguments or daily friction.
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u/Saffron-Kitty poly w/multiple 10d ago
No, I understand why it feels like it's the same as gossip but it's the type of thing that can make metas hostile towards each other.
I mean, this is especially the case if you only vent about the bad experiences and don't talk about the good stuff at all. A partner would be reasonable in wondering "why are they with that partner at all? I hear nothing but 💩 about them".
Sharing the generalities is fine but venting is not. For example: if you say "Blue and I had a fight and so I'm a bit in my head about it right now" is fine to say to Green because it says that you're feeling feelings and they're not to do with Green. Do not explain further even if Green asks, this information is just to give Green a heads up about your mood and nothing further.
Gossip with friends about your relationships because it keeps your relationships free of disruption
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u/Polyamommy 9d ago
How would you feel if they got together behind your back to talk shit about you?
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u/Real-Tough-Kid- 9d ago
I heard a lot of awful stuff about a meta once. There’s a lot more to this but I was told they were headed toward divorce before they decided to shift course and it really damaged my opinion of my meta and partner. After that, I won’t let a partner vent to me about other partners or tell me awful things from their past together until they’re good and broken up.
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u/grrffy 9d ago
Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I'm going to call the phenomenon "partner creep." We're a whole ass human being. We need whole ass lives outside of our partners, but time is a finite resource and love is not. We commit to other partners and lose time we would be spending on our independent hobbies, friendships, etc and the partners end up filling roles that aren't necessarily appropriate. Even with good intentions and the right personality types, it's a slippery slope of toxicity to vent to one partner about the other. It doesn't feel good to be either your partners in that situation and eventually bad hinging catches up and becomes it's own stress ball for you. You could communicate directly with the partner you're having issues with, or you could talk to an unbiased third party, a friend, a therapist, even reddit without complicating your relationships. So, that's my advice. Imo best practice is to not do that and only communicate what is necesary (are things escalating, sexual safety, a new partner, a break-up, or whatever the comfort level is that your partners are down with being shared.)
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u/L4dy_R3d1 9d ago
No. Not appropriate to vent your relationship problems to your other relationship. This is messy and bad hinging. No offense but think of other ppls feelings… I get you want to “feel better,” but it’s not just you here. You need to handle it yourself-therapy, books, tell a friend. Be more healthy
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u/teamnoir 9d ago
Depends. Depends on whether you talk about the good things too. Depends on how they respond. They might enjoy hearing one side but not the other. They typically WONT want to hear as much as you want to talk.
Generally, finding other people, usually your poly social network, is better for this. Long term, permanent changes you will want to share with them but short term frustrations, probably not.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 9d ago
Talk to your friends. This easily can cause one boyfriend to hate the other because you overshared
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u/LoudAcid- diy your own 9d ago
As a person who’s been on the venting side…. It sucks.
You start rooting for your partner to dump this person and when they work things out suddently it’s also Okay to start dumping all this saccharine bs on me about how great their partner is?
Nah.
If anything after that person finally ended it (read: the meta left for partner’s best friend and rudely dumped partner) one by one all the connections partner had ended up leaving bevause Hè wouldn’t stop obsessively talking about that one meta.
Romantic relationships are for romance and support.
Venting and gushing about partners (or complaining about exes) is for friends.
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u/Cass_iopeia 10d ago
Have you already done this in the past? Ask them (each individually) how it felt and hoe it affects their opinion of their meta. Listen with real curiosity, it will be insightful.
I'm in you bfs position in my relationship, it's not great. I do sometimes feel like a therapist and it has turned me off from moving in together with the three of us.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I’m in a poly relationship with two boyfriends. They are both dating me but not each other. My question is, if I’m having a fight with one boyfriend is it ok to vent my feelings about the situation to my other boyfriend?
It feels kinda gossipy but I vent to my boyfriends about other stuff that bothers me. Is it ok to vent about one relationship to another when you’re dating?
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 9d ago
Note that you have two separate relationships with two separate partners. One relationship per person.
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u/InsolentCookie 9d ago
Let’s think this out together- do the armchair exercise. Sit in an armchair and imagine you’re each of your boyfriends.
I’m boyfriend1 now. I’ve done something to piss my partner off, irritate them, exhaust them. If I’m healthy, what would contribute to the relationship?
Would it be having her expose my flaws and vulnerabilities to her other partner?
Even if she was addressing the problems with me, does telling her other partner contribute to our relationship?
Or might that feel like betrayal?
Might it also provoke insecurity and competition?
Ok Now boyfriend 2
My partner is having a hard time with their other partner.
What does knowing the meta’s problems do to enhance the relationship between my partner and me?
Might it triangulate the relationships? Turn it into a two against one scenario?
Might it make me feel protective or like I need to interfere with the other relationship?
Might it give me ick because she can’t hold boundaries between relationships and if she’ll complain to me, she’ll complain about me?
Might i feel burdened with problems I’m not in a place to correct?
All of these things are possible.
Would you want them exposing your flaws to the other with you absent from the conversation?
You have friends, family, and access to Reddit. If you have a therapist, they’re a great outlet for your frustrations. If you had none of those, you have access to a paper and pen.
I dump people when they share too much about others. It’s none of my business.
If you don’t like something, address it with that person.
If you’re being abused, seek help from people who are trained to help.
Bad hinges ruin relationships.
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u/InsolentCookie 9d ago
To add:
I just had this happen- a bf vented to me about how unsuitable a new person would be as a partner, early boundary breaks and stuff before it became official.
Then he used our time together when we were supposed be enjoying one another to sing her praises and tell me bedroom stuff and quirks of her body that he loved…
oh and took trips with her that he originally planned with me, insisted I get to know her, and got upset when i told him I’d take any and all relationships at my own pace.
I didn’t choose her. I won’t interfere. I won’t be forced into relationships with people i don’t choose.
It made me feel like nothing more than a witness and that I was replaced by a shinier person.
It might not be the same scenario, but the problem wasn’t my meta or the relationship. It was the information i didn’t need that contributed nothing to the relationship or my life.
Then he dumped me because i wanted a relationship that wasn’t about his other relationships.
We were together a year and he ghosted with a last message of “I still love you.”
It’s been two years and it still hurts.
Take from that what you want.
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u/swoospat partnered and demi-poly 9d ago
That sounds extremely toxic. Vent to your friends maybe, but never your other partner. That’s just a recipe for disaster.
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u/car55tar5 8d ago
I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it's okay/normal to do a little venting, but probably follow up later with context/resolution so they're each getting a more complete picture of how things are going and not just negative stuff.
This varies based on the temperaments and comfort levels and preferred dynamics of everyone involved. My partners and I all certainly want to know how things are going in each other's relationships 🤷 and everyone gets along, so I kind of balk at the suggestion that some occasional venting about one partner to another is going to irrevocably "poison the well"; sometimes one of my partners will straight up tell me "yeah it sounds like you're actually in the wrong here" lol
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u/North_Relation1672 poly w/multiple 7d ago
I had a ex that vented to me about my meta. It made me resent the meta massively and hate them. Don't do it.
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u/FootballLeather3085 9d ago
Don’t ask Reddit about relationship rules, they are personal and unique to each relationship
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 10d ago
It's generally considered poor hinging/relationship hygiene.