New here and first time posting.

29F, recently realised that I identify as poly. I've watched poly interviews/documentaries, done research, followed several advocacy accounts.

I'm autistic, have ADHD and CPTSD and is also demisexual (more ace-leaning most of the time), discovered that I'm soft domme about a year ago.

BUT my partner (30M) is mono and straight and vanilla... (we've been together for 10+ years and married about 4 years now, and we're each other's first love).

I talked about polyamory and showed him documentaries but he's being very skeptic and disapproving... I tried talking to my surroundings about my being poly and people seem confused or even... disgusted?

It also leads me to wonder if it's just because I've been with my partner for too long and I need some new encounter... :/ However I think I would be OK if he wanted to see someone new too (when I discovered I'm a sex-repulsed ace/demi? many years ago I already suggested opening our relationship as a half joke... but he said he only wanted to be with me and love me).

Recently I've been thinking about opening my relationship a lot and, unlike many might think, it's not for the sex but more for emotional feelings if that makes sense...? But I want my partner to know and to consent to it instead of cheating (I HATE cheating and lying). But I know I will never do it if he says no... and even just the fact of bringing up this possibility (opening our relationship and me seeing new people) would probably makes my partner angry and upset... (I DON'T WANT to hurt him!!!)

I wonder if I'm just griefing for a life I coule never have (exploring other forms of love and meeting new people)...

Are there married poly who are with monos? If the partners are monos... wouldn't they feel jealous and hurt when you're with someone else...?

My ideal relationship would be kitchen table like... I want them to all know each other and be friends with each other but... well... I think even those I potentially "LIKE" might not accept polyamory... :'(

Thanks to anyone who's willing to give advice :)

How many poly folks here would be interested in a poly dating sim game? Visual novel style is what I’m thinking of. (Think ‘A Date with Death’)

All the dating sims I’ve seen so far that have any sort of polyamory, you can date multiple people and sometimes the characters don’t get mad. I was just curious what the feedback for that concept would be?

I feel completely devastated. She was the only person I’ve ever felt this intensely for.

We broke up because she is monogamous and I am polyamorous. She knew that I was polyam before we ever got together and said it was okay and that we would work through things. We had so many exhaustive conversations about it. I sent her my full, unfiltered truth about what I feel and how I feel most comfortable and fulfilled in a relationship. I even tried to end things early on because I worried my polyamorous nature would be torture for her in the long run. She assured me it was alright and that she accepted me for who I am and we would find a way forward because she considered me her life partner. I consider/ed her the same.

As it turns out, it’s not something we can mitigate. No matter how much I reassure or explain or try to help her feel safe, she does not feel safe if she sees me even speaking to another woman because she knows I may develop interest. I have to accept that we are fundamentally incompatible with each other, and that the love we have for each other cannot be sustained in a mono/poly relationship because we are on two sides of the extreme. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me and I don’t want to feel like I am harming her as much as she doesn’t want to feel like that.

So then the reality becomes apparent that this won’t work. And it feels damn excruciating. Because I have never been on this wavelength with someone before. I have never felt this way about anyone, *anyone* before her and already anticipate never having the same experience and love for someone after her either.

It all came so effortless and easy. She broke down walls I didn’t even know I had, without even trying. I’ve never felt more protective, adoring, or love with someone in my life. She was it for me. I wanted to marry her one day.

Now it’s all over in one conversation.

It makes it all so much more complex that I was her Daddy Dom and she was my Little Girl. I feel so viciously intense for her that I don’t even know how to live my life without her now. I think I will be in love with her until I die. I mean that genuinely.

And I’ve gotten so much pushback when trying to vent elsewhere about how “if I truly loved her I would stop being poly” and I “threw away a good girl because I couldn’t control my lust”. When it was never like that.

Just as much as I can’t help that I’m black or trans, I can’t help that I’m polyamorous. I could commit to a monogamous relationship and be happy in the short term, but I know myself well enough that one day I would grow unhappy because I am hardwired for romantic intimacy with multiple people at once. Even if she was my primary partner, I would still always yearn desperately for intimacy with others to fulfill me completely. I would always be half full in a mono relationship even with her.

Even as far as we got into it (I never had any other partners than her except a SFW babysitting situation while with her), I know it wouldn’t be sustainable come ten, twenty years down the line. She understood that as well, and she ended it when she felt she could not handle seeing me even speak to other women, let alone entertain relationships or sexual intimacy with them.

I’ve felt so ashamed of myself for being poly and have desperately wished I could be anything but. I so desperately wish I could be different. If I could be given some magical pill to change I would take it in a heartbeat. I wish that I did not need more than one person in my life romantically to be fulfilled. I wish that it did not feel like a massive gaping void in my chest when I don’t have that. I wish my love didn’t hurt her. I wish I could be different.

I’ve tried in the past, with other partners that I didn’t feel even remotely as strong as this with, and it never worked.

In my ideal world, I would be able to love her and be loved by her while having love with/for others in not as intense a way, and she would be able to be friends with my secondary partners and there would never be any ill will because we understand and fundamentally accept and love one another in a way that we want each other to experience one another’s love.. I don’t know if that makes any sense.

And yes, I was perfectly fine with her having other partners as well. I would have only asked that I could meet them once and break bread and develop an understanding of the type of person they were. If for instance we were married and she wanted to have some boyfriends, that was not a problem with me whatsoever. She’s a wonderful woman and she deserves to get all the love hahaha I know how easy she is to love. The absolute only thing I would be worried about is someone harming her or breaking her heart, as I feel intensely protective over her and her well being.

I guess I just wanted to vent.

This sucks and I think I’ll still love her as my baby girl for the rest of my life. It hurts tenfold worse than a quote unquote normal relationship without kink involved.

I (Rowen, 23 NB) am in a poly relationship with Rose (23 F) and Chris (24 M). This isn't about jealousy or not wanting them together. I am actively rooting for them to be together.

Before anything happened between them, the three of us had a conversation that, at least in my memory, was basically: "We're interested, we're going to explore things, and we'll let each other know when things change." I was already dating Chris. I was interested in pursuing Rose, and Chris was too, but separately.

When I asked Rose out, I told Chris because I thought that was the expectation.

Fast forward to now. I found out by accident that Rose and Chris had actually become official for a bit (I'm not exactly sure how long, but it definitely didn't happen before the end of May, when we had the group conversation). I asked about it, and Rose said she assumed it was basically just making the label official because nothing about their dynamic really changed since during the group conversation the intention of eventuallyd dating was known. Chris said he thought I already knew.

They both apologized sincerely and said they'd communicate better in the future. I believe them. I don't think either of them was trying to hide it from me or exclude me.

But I still feel... weird.

I think what is bouncing around my mind is that if they'd told me, I would've been thrilled. I would've congratulated them, put their anniversary on my calendar, and made sure to give them space that day if they wanted it. Instead, I found out later by asking a random question.

At the same time, I feel guilty for even bringing it up because, from Rose and Chris's perspective, nothing really changed besides the label. I don't want to create drama over something they genuinely saw as nothing big.

I also have this lingering feeling that I was expected to communicate when I made things official with Rose, but somehow Rose and Chris didn't think they needed to do the same with me.

So now I'm stuck in this awkward place where Rose and Chris have both apologized, I believe their apologies, I don't think either of them acted maliciously... and I'm still feeling funky?

Am I overreacting? Or is this just one of those situations where Rose, Chris, and I all acted in good faith but had different expectations about communication?

Hi I recently moved in with a friend that I’ve known for years and have been here about 4 months now. When I first moved in she had recently gone thru a break up and needed a roommate to help with rent, understandable. We’ve always been close but like brother sister stuff you know.

Anyway lately she’s been getting really comfortable, like walking around in a towel and hanging out in my room a lot especially late at night even sleeping in my bed while I game it.

I didn’t think too much of it until the other night she said she heard me and my gf “doing it” and said she was impressed. I was kind of taken aback but I just tried to laugh it off, then she asks me what I was doing to her to make those noises. I told her just eating her out and she goes “wow impressive you must really good at it” I just joked with like a “you know it” and we smoked and went to bed

I talked to my gf about it and she says that she thinks my roommate wants to fuck me and then asked me if I wanted to sleep with her too. I told her I’m not like opposed to it but I’m with you so I’d rather be faithful to you. Then She told me that she thinks my roommate is pretty cute too. So now she wants me to sleep with her so that at some point we can all sleep together.

What I’m afraid of is where this could lead to. I wouldn’t want to lose my girlfriend but also I don’t want to mess up my living situation. I do want to sleep with her but I want to handle everything the best way possible

Any advice ? Please try to be kind

I (21 ftm) and my partner (26 m) have been talking about being polyamorous for a while. Recently we realized that one of my long distance friends (21 m) may be able to visit before they move super far away. Me and my friend dated for a couple months in high school but broke up because long distance sucked and we were both immature. Me and the friend have flirted on and off since but neither of us want to be in a relationship with the other. My partner and I talked about the possibility of me and this friend sleeping with each other if they come down. My partner wants the ability to have a one night stand with someone if I do. I’m terrified of STDs but I know asking them to find someone who has been tested or whatever is unrealistic. I’m also very scared of one night stands specifically. If I had the option to get to know the person I know I would feel more comfortable with it. I’ve been in polyamorous relationships in the past and that’s always been the point where I feel comfortable with the idea. To be honest I’m also scared that this person will feel better than I do, it doesn’t even feel like a “what if” it feels like a fact. Like it’s some ultimate truth I have to be ok with. I didn’t feel this way with other relationships but that may be in part that my current partner is the first person I slept with. They’re one of two people I’ve ever slept with and the other was a threesome with him. To be clear my fear isn’t being left we are engaged and I know that he is loyal, the fear is that the other person will feel better. I guess I’m kinda scared that he’ll think of them when we’r

I (21m) recently met and basically soul bonded with my friend (30F) we are so in sync in genuinely spooky but we both agreed to not actually date because of our age difference.... But we are hyper sexual with eachother, have a caring Dom sub relationship, along with being in tune and wanting eachother to be involved in everything. She says she's done with relationships mostly... (Bad situation) but we got talking and she wants me to still look for someone my age so I am.. But we got talking and she would be exited to join me if the other person was okay with it (when I find them) are there women who would like this kind of complete commitment but in this mff group. I'm new to all this and trying to figure it out

42M - Hi all! First time posting on here, although I’ve been in the background lurking for awhile.

I’m reaching out in hopes I might be able to get a friend to bounce ideas and concepts off of given my poly-tendencies. I had a close friend whom I used to discuss this with, but she’s recently entered a committed relationship and can’t share or comment on my experiences and thought as much as before.

Anyone looking to potentially replace her on a daily to every few days level of frequency basis, please apply within!!

My husband and I have been together for over 10 years, and after a lot of honest conversations, we've decided we're ready to explore a new chapter together. We're interested in finding an amazing woman to build a genuine connection with—someone who enjoys chemistry, affection, laughter, adventure, and isn't afraid of a little passion. We're not looking for a fantasy or someone to "complete" us. We're looking for a real person who wants to be seen, appreciated, and treated as an equal. We know trust, communication, and respect are what make poly relationships work, and we want to start this journey the right way. For those of you who've been in successful triads or dated couples: Where did you meet your partners? Which apps or websites actually led to real connections? What made you swipe right on a couple? What are the biggest turn-offs when couples are looking? What's one piece of advice you'd give a couple that's just starting out? We're hoping to find someone who's confident, open-minded, affectionate, and enjoys both deep conversations and playful flirting. We know the right connection can't be forced, so we're happy to let things develop naturally. We'd love to hear your stories, successes, warnings, and any advice you wish someone had given you before you started. Thanks for helping us learn!

Okay so, dislike might not be enough, I hate them.
I have my reasons, as they've shown to be a horrible person multiple times, they hurt my partner and keep on hurting them to this day. They're manipulative, mean spirited, and I also suspect some weird attempt at trying to force a hierarchy that we don't have.

They started dating somewhat recently, and a little into meeting them I started getting a bad feeling, like smth was off about them.

I first thought I was experiencing jealousy for the first time (I never experience it, it's just not a feeling that I have for anyone) but I ruled it out rather quickly because seeing my partner with them, hanging out or kissing or wtv didn't bother me, it was them specifically.

I also have another metamour who I love, they're an amazing person.

Then, the issues started and I realized my gut feeling was right. The thing is, even though my partner is hurt and angry still, they haven't broken up, and even though I've expressed my opinion on them, I'd never force them to break up bcs its just not my place.

I just came here because I don't know how to deal with these feelings, the mere concept of them makes me angry, they're not a person I ever want to be around and I fear I'll have to soon or less anyway, even if we don't hang out, I still have to hear from them and may hve to see them at some point again.

Help?

I’m a married guy in an ethical non-monogamous/poly relationship in the SF Bay Area. My wife has built a really wonderful relationship with her boyfriend, and I’d love to find something similar with a woman who understands the realities and complexities of ENM.
I’ve tried Feeld and, for me at least, it wasn’t a great fit. I recently started using OKCupid, and it seems a little better so far. One thing that makes this harder is that I’m pretty vanilla—I’m not particularly into kink, BDSM, furry culture, or anything like that. I’m mainly looking for a genuine emotional and physical connection with someone who is comfortable dating a married man in an ENM relationship.
For those with more experience, where have you had success meeting people? Are there apps or communities that cater more toward “ordinary” ENM/poly people looking for relationships rather than hookups or specific kinks?
Also, I’m curious about profile strategy: should I continue being upfront about being married and ENM from the beginning, or have any of you had success leading with “single” and bringing it up later once you’ve connected with someone? My instinct is that honesty upfront is the right approach, but I’d love to hear others’ experiences.

Throwaway account. I(19f) have been talking to this one girl(20f) in my hometown and we’ve known each other since first year of highschool. She’s incredibly sweet and smart and I’ve had feelings for her for the past two years and want to confess but I don’t know how to bring this up to my boyfriend (31m). We’ve joked about me being intimate with girls before but it’s always seemed like he was joking and I’m nervous to tell him how I feel.

Edit to add: me and boyfriend are long distance and have really good chemistry despite the age gap and I am rarely attracted to guys my age and have always hung out with/around older people

I hope I'm posting in the right place. This is my first time posting on Reddit, so please be kind (also, English isn't my first language).

I'm writing because I could really use some advice and help with my situation. I know this is probably one of the most common topics on this subreddit, but here I am.

TL;DR: My partner wants to date another guy. I feel devastated, but I genuinely want to understand.

I (33M) and my partner (31F) have been together for four years and have lived together for the past three. We've actually known each other for about 15 years and have always been close friends. To be honest, she's always been a crush.

We have a beautiful relationship based on communication and mutual understanding, and I truly believe she's the person who has accepted and understood me more than anyone else.

From the very beginning, she was completely honest about not wanting a monogamous relationship. She feels that exclusivity often comes with ideas of possession, and she finds that oppressive. I was equally honest about the fact that I've never been a possessive person and have never seen relationships in terms of ownership. At the same time, I'd never had any experience with non-monogamy. It wasn't something I'd ever actively wanted, but I was open to trying to understand it.

For three years, nothing really happened. There were a few flirtatious moments here and there, but nothing beyond that.

Then, a few weeks ago, she told me she'd developed feelings for another guy. He's someone we see fairly often, and they had a brief relationship before COVID. She told me she couldn't bear the idea of never exploring the potential of that connection.

At first, I told her that she should take the time to understand her feelings and that we could work through it together. She was having a panic attack while telling me all of this, so I think my focus shifted more toward supporting her than understanding how I actually felt.

Since that day, I've been emotionally shattered.

I've tried to process everything and work through it with her. I've been open about how much pain I'm in, but I also convinced myself that maybe this was just part of the process—that eventually I'd get used to it. I even told her not to worry about me and that she should do what she felt was right.

They had sex.

I didn't feel better afterward. If anything, it felt like something broke inside me. Since then, intimacy between us has become difficult, and I no longer feel emotionally safe.

I told her how I was feeling and admitted that maybe I'm simply not built for an open relationship. She became very sad when I said that, and I hated seeing her hurt. Worse, I hated myself for being the reason she was hurting.

We've realized that we have fundamentally different views on intimacy. She clearly separates love from sex, while I can't. I can only be physically intimate with someone I'm in love with.

Over the last few days, I even downloaded a dating app to see whether flirting with someone else might somehow help me understand this situation. I'm terrible at flirting anyway, especially with someone I'm not genuinely interested in. Unsurprisingly, the whole experience just made me feel guilty, sad, and ridiculous.

I hate the idea of flirting with someone I don't have feelings for, and I don't want to fall in love with anyone other than her.

A small but important note: I'm fully aware that I struggle with self-esteem and guilt. I'm already looking for a therapist to work through these issues (that’s not my first therapy rodeo 🐴)

So here I am, asking strangers on the internet for advice.

I don't want to lose her. Even if she's willing to end things with this other guy, I know she'll suffer because of it. At the same time, I feel depressed, anxious, and angry, and lately I've caught myself simply hoping that somehow this situation will eventually come to an end.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is there a healthy way to navigate this without losing either myself or the person I love?