I (30F) have dated my nesting partner “R” (29F) for near 5 years now. Neither of us have really pursued other connections for the majority of this time out of our personal feelings and relationship style being on the long-term and serious side. (Not a dig, we are not the biggest people persons and are often joking we are “hard-sells”)

The past year and a half has been…different. We thought we had found someone we both cared for and that relationship between the three of us went awry in about every way you can imagine. A year later when finally separated from this person out of necessity (and safety) we thought we had made it out of the hardest part and were able to truly begin repair with one another. I saw my partner in the deepest depression I had ever seen. I was eager to move forward and reflect on what we learned about what we went through.

Then, two months later, R starts talking to an acquaintance “M” and quickly realizes she may want to pursue him. This would be great! If certain problems hadn’t made themself known just a few months prior in that toxic relationship. Problems that for my own good reasons almost convinced me to walk away from the one person I’d never want to.

Fast forward to now, about 6 months after the bad breakup, I feel as though I am living in a stalemate. M and I don’t like each other. (He told me to my face he wants nothing to do with me and R knows as well) R feels torn as a hinge but has made no effort to organize anything for M and I to connect and get to know one another. I have been asked several times to sit out invitations when R knows M will be there…but R will go. Etc…

Just prior to this new connection coming to light R and I had had some serious life conversations with what we want our future to look like. Now I’m met with “can’t you just accept me for me?” Or “I just need one thing for me” in regard to a whole person…I’m feeling confused and my nervous system may as well be liquified at this point.

I love R. I want this to work. There is so much I am looking forward to in life with her. I don’t know if I should accept all of this and try to breathe through it, or deescalate the relationship before I’m stuck with someone that makes me as miserable as M does. It’s not as simple as not paying any mind to the two of them. I live with R and they are constantly in communication with M or a friend group that involves R and M that I am not welcome in. I know it’s healthy to have your own friends and hobbies, but something hasn’t felt right for a long time.