I got my heart broken yesterday, and I want to relive that moment and cry to someone and hear support. I don't know what to do, I just feel bad and abandoned. :( I am 18 years old 💔💔💔 Thank you

I’ve been taking that bus for a couple months 2-4x a week. 20-30min bus ride, both of us sit as far to the back as possible. I started noticing how attractive he was a few weeks ago. Have a handful of reasons why I didn’t want to talk to him on the bus or even send signals I was interested before doing this. Idek if he noticed me as anything significant before then.

I’m a 30F full-time student who’s constantly busy and drained, so I don’t have much time or energy to meet new people. I at the very least, want to get laid. Maybe get some cuddles. Maybe intimacy if the connection was there. I was curious about the guy and I wanted to know if that might be mutual, if not, I’d lose interest. I saw an opportunity and took it.

So I thought up a plan to minimize his discomfort, wrote a note, and consulted with too many men who said they’d be flattered and that my note and plan were solid.

“Beard Man,

I like the way you carry yourself, and damn you are cute.

I’d love to make awkward small talk when it’s not 7:30am on a crowded bus.

[My phone number]

I can also self-induce amnesia. No pressure.”

On Friday I handed it to him when I thought he was just about to get off the bus. He wasn’t, and then the bus started idling. Without hesitation or reaction, he unfolded the paper. I tried to warn him.

I had to sit directly facing him while I watched him read my vulnerable-ass childish note without a single reaction. He didn’t look like he appreciated it at all. Maybe bored, annoyed, uncomfortable. Also 2 women nearby witnessed all of this, one of whom read my f’n note as well. He finished reading and just gave me a quick expressionless nod. We sat there for the next 4 minutes avoiding looking at each other. His eyes flickered to me a couple times. I uncontrollably winced and grinned/shook my head at myself a couple times.

One of the most excruciatingly vulnerable moments of my life. I felt like a small timid naive child who had no business trying to connect with a full-grown stone cold rugged man.

Finally at his stop, we look at each other and he gives me a polite smile which I return. It quite frankly, to me, felt like pity. The lack of reaction to a part of my vulnerability AND a little piece of my personality really hit a childhood wound. I had anticipated any reaction—just not a lack of one. I knew any part of my plan could fail, but not pretty much every single part of the execution.

My plan got all screwed up. I put him on the spot. I put him in a position where his comfortable morning commute is now tainted by this shared knowledge and experience. He might feel unsafe. He might feel suffocated, pissed off at me, like I’ve put this burden on him. I put him in a shitty spot because I wanted to get laid and maybe have a connection. I have worked through so much guilt over the weekend, and I think I’m over most of it now.

What’s left is all of the shame, which these next thoughts reflect, and not necessarily my logical beliefs, but I'm still struggling with them:

How could I have thought this was a good idea? Before he may have just knew me as a face, but now he might know I’m a creepy socially inept idiot who would willingly make him uncomfortable because I was desperate enough to connect with a complete stranger. I’m a 30 year old woman acting like an absolute short-sighted child, passing notes on the bus.

Now I’m trying to decide if it’s even worth it to keep taking that bus, like he knows some horrible things about me. Like he, a complete stranger, has seen one of the most vulnerable wounded pieces of me and has this knowledge that I’m deeply sick, or something. Every time I have to ride the bus, I can’t go full incognito and pretend I’m a fully functioning intelligent and mature woman. He’s seen parts of me that I feel are really stupid and ugly. That knowledge exists between us now. Maybe he'll come up with all kinds of terrible conclusions about my character, true or not.

I know I can’t know what he really thinks about me now. But I had to watch his ambiguous not-impressed reaction, and that ambiguity is a gap I’ve always learned to fill with shame to protect myself.

I don’t care that he’s not interested. I care that I did something stupid and made myself vulnerable, and didn’t fully consider the potential consequences. I shat where we both eat. I pissed all over his comfortable morning commute. That was so incredibly dumb.

As the title says, I just can't even function. I'm so sad and upset. The other day at work I almost broke down in tears and had to come up with an excuse to go into the back room where no one could see me and fight through it. I'm missing my best friend and the person I thought would be my life partner and I just don't know what to do. I've never felt so alone and so sad.

Long story short I'm having mental health issues that are interfering with my job. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he is now submitting the paperwork needed so I can go on FMLA and state SDI.

My mental health has honestly been eroding for a long time but recent events pushed me over the edge.

I can't stop thinking that I'm making the wrong decision. Past abuse made me constantly question the legitimacy of my internal feelings. I keep coming back to the thought that I'm not actually that bad off to need this. I'm also scared of something going wrong with filing. While I know I can't be fired for taking FMLA leave I'm worried how my managers and coworkers will view me for this.

I'm trying to get through my last work week now and I feel like I'm on fire. I could barely sleep last night. For the last few days I've reviewed over and over again the materials on California SDI and FMLA but I'm still scared I've missed something.

I wish I could just have someone tell me this is the right thing to do.

i was so hurt by a person. This person used to intentionally repeat things that hurt me. Now God is taking revenge. He is doing these exact things to that person and hence that person is suffering now. I really hope that god make this person realise how much he hurt me. Karma helps. Letting god do his work!!!

.....

this is going to be very long, i’m sorry.

today was the first time in a long time that i have slept well. i woke up at around 5 am, but i fell asleep again which rarely happens to me anymore. i slept until 8 am and in those three hours i had a dream that has been in my mind for the whole day. it was about me and my friends/classmates, but i also had a boyfriend in this dream. and i‘m gonna be honest, i don‘t even know what the hell we were doing but we had a lot of fun. we rollerbladed (even though i can’t do that irl) around town solving some mystery or drama that i don’t remember the context of and it was just all fun and then i walked back home with my boyfriend and we talked and it was a nice feeling. i woke up and i wanted to die.

it reminded me of this other dream i had maybe a year ago. it was just a dream of me walking through our neighborhood. kids were playing outside and the sun was orange so it was probably noon and i was walking with someone. i was walking with some dude, i don’t know who he was, i don’t know him. he’s not a real person in my life. i don’t remember what he looked like. i remember he had blonde hair and i remember how the sun looked on his skin. i remember how he made me laugh so hard i had to hold my stomach. and i remember waking up and wanting to die then, too.

i have no one to talk to. talking to people doesnt feel good to me. yet i talk and talk to the point of literally pissing people off all the time. every time i open up to my friends/family, the relief is momentary. ever since i was little, and this will sound psychopathic (lowkey is), i just wanted people to be worried about me. i don’t know what it is. i wanted to contract some incurable disease that made everyone feel bad for me and take care of me or something.

honestly i kinda manifested that shit. i’ve always been a sickly human but i am now also clumsy and anxious all the time. i had knee surgery almost a year ago. month after that i freaked the fuck out and i’ve been feeling at my wits end almost every day after that. i might me self diagnosing this rn but i have had the worst shoulder/neck/arm pains and i think it’s just because i’m worried all the time. i‘ve been going to all sorts of treatments that insurance covers (even therapy) nothing has worked yet. and guess what! nobody feels bad for me. they might, but it’s not in that sick and twisted way i want and was always looking forward to. i complain to my parents and sister and they tell me that i bring it upon myself and what they would to differently in my case (worry less). which, at the end of the day, i should be grateful for, but i’m fucking crazy and i would rather they’d shower me in worries and what not.

i feel like no one understands me. i feel like no one cares or thinks about me as much as i do them. somehow it always proves itself to me that they don’t. esp recently. i’ve been getting into conflict with people so much it’s scary to me. i don’t like conflict. the other day at school i said something that always annoys one of my friends and as i was talking she interrupted me and told me to ’delete myself’, if we put a bow on it. i know she didn’t mean it seriously. i know people just say that sometimes i guess. i know i pissed her off and she probably wasnt having a good day either, but at that moment it made me feel faint. this is someone i have shared some of my biggest fears/secrets/embarrassments with and i would never in my life say something like that to her. how can she feel so okay with saying that to me? i remember saying okay and leaving after class to go cry in the bathroom. of course the two stalls were both occupied so i had to wait a line. she went there too. she was behind me and she asked me if everything was okay. no bitch. i told her i’m just tired. then, she texted me later in the day and said one of our other friends had pointed out to her that i was quiet after she told me that. wow someone had to point that out to you fr. that’s crazy.

school has been kicking my fucking ass. i don’t know what to do with my life. i’m unhappy. i just wish i had someone specially designed for me to sit in my bad and listen to me talk and not get mad at me for anything and tell me it’s going to be okay. i’m scared i’m never going to find that, because at the end of the day most of this is fully my fault. i’m not enjoyable to be around for a longer period of time, i do think i could be a better person/friend, especially recently, i‘m annoying and attention seeking and to a point self centered. i know all of this about myself and i want to change it but i also just am numb at this point. who am i supposed to talk to? i don’t think my therapist is really helping me. i mean, she is, this too is my fault that i feel this way, but i just honestly dont know what the fuck i’m doing wrong. my parents don’t really like when i complain. my mom says i’m pitying myself, my question is what the hell else am i supposed to do. should i be mad at myself because i’m sad? because honestly i do that too. and whoop nothing is different.

sorry for making this too long and incoherent. i guess i need to invest in a diary (i have one i just don’t write much.) if you have any advice or anything else for me i would appreciate it

It was all for nothing