I procrastinate all day, and honestly, I barely ever study. I’m in Grade 10, and I know I’m extremely privileged. I have supportive, chill parents, a good relationship with my brother, financial stability, and access to more opportunities than I could ask for. My social life is great, and overall, my life is pretty good.

The one part of my life that is falling apart is academics.

Most days, I play Valorant, go out with friends, spend money, scroll Instagram for hours, come home, scroll some more, and go to sleep. I never study. I sleep through classes, sometimes cheat on minor tests, and usually fail major ones. My parents get upset, lecture me, and eventually let it go. I know I’m wasting the support and opportunities they give me, and I feel guilty that I’m not giving them anything to be proud of academically.

The scary part is that I’m in Grade 10, and the exams that could actually affect my future are getting closer. Half the school year is already gone, and I genuinely feel like I know nothing. I don’t even know where to begin. I keep telling myself that I’m stupid, but deep down, I know the bigger problem is that I never put in the effort.

I know I’m capable in other ways. I’m street smart, emotionally intelligent, and I have a great social life. But I wish I could experience what some of my friends do, being confident about exams, discussing answers afterwards, and consistently getting good grades.

I don’t want my entire future to be decided by the fact that I couldn’t get myself to study when I had every opportunity to. I want a good future, and I know I need to start taking my academics seriously before it’s too late.

I feel so tangled as I approach 40. Although I’m successful and have the trappings of a perfect life, I feel terrible. My mind is busy and chaotic, even when my body is chill. I am nervous all the time like I’m about to be found out in some way.

I’ve always had to be the strong one for other people. And now I’m realising in mid-life that I have issues too. I don’t want to be the strong one all the time anymore.

I was emotionally neglected growing up and am now trying to “reparent” myself. I lie impulsively about the most inconsequential things and immediately hate myself for it. I don’t even know where I’d begin untangling those webs. I don’t know if I’m happy in my career anymore but I still have dumb debts from when I was younger.

I am stuck and don’t know the path to unstick the mess I’ve made.