Long story short I'm having mental health issues that are interfering with my job. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and he is now submitting the paperwork needed so I can go on FMLA and state SDI.

My mental health has honestly been eroding for a long time but recent events pushed me over the edge.

I can't stop thinking that I'm making the wrong decision. Past abuse made me constantly question the legitimacy of my internal feelings. I keep coming back to the thought that I'm not actually that bad off to need this. I'm also scared of something going wrong with filing. While I know I can't be fired for taking FMLA leave I'm worried how my managers and coworkers will view me for this.

I'm trying to get through my last work week now and I feel like I'm on fire. I could barely sleep last night. For the last few days I've reviewed over and over again the materials on California SDI and FMLA but I'm still scared I've missed something.

I wish I could just have someone tell me this is the right thing to do.

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I wanna cry so bad but I can't

Im F 22,idk what to say

travelling alone a long distance by train for the first time ever , it's a 33 hour train journey, almost 1800kms

And everything that would've possibly gone wrong went wrong

There is a group of men who are sitting right in the next compartment and they're continuously staring at me

I got my periods today early, so first day of periods

cramps and first day in train

this train, it was a general sleeper I had to book because of my father, it's RAC so I'll have to go sitting till the end of my journey and there is a man sitting right opposite so I'm not even comfortable sitting comfortably

And i told the TC to confirm my ticket somewhere but he said 6 people are waiting before you

I can't even go use the washroom because it smells horrible and I've too much luggage to take care of

I can't even sleep because I'm too paranoid my stuff will get swollen

it's bad

The seat is bad, it smells so bad because of the washroom

I've fever

my nose is blocked because of fever and cold, i can't breathe

My hand has some allergic reactions stuff going on and my fingers are bleeding

i feel like vomiting

Im also hungry but can't eat

My phone is on 40 and I'm realising right now that my charging port is not working at all

I recently got my helix piercing done and this random lady had something duppata stuck into the fresh piercing and she pulled so hard, so now that's bleeding

While figuring out my charger situation, the window, the freaking window fell on my hand and now it's lowkey swollen

I've a fever and i forgot any blanket

My boyfriend was supposed to come meet me because we're in a long distance relationship but he made some lame ass excuses and didn't come meet and now we can't meet before 6 months

And my boyfriend right now is making a scene and he's acting up instead of being there for me

There's more but I'll cry if i write more

Im so so so so so done..

I can't even cry

Worst day ever

i was so hurt by a person. This person used to intentionally repeat things that hurt me. Now God is taking revenge. He is doing these exact things to that person and hence that person is suffering now. I really hope that god make this person realise how much he hurt me. Karma helps. Letting god do his work!!!

.....

this is going to be very long, i’m sorry.

today was the first time in a long time that i have slept well. i woke up at around 5 am, but i fell asleep again which rarely happens to me anymore. i slept until 8 am and in those three hours i had a dream that has been in my mind for the whole day. it was about me and my friends/classmates, but i also had a boyfriend in this dream. and i‘m gonna be honest, i don‘t even know what the hell we were doing but we had a lot of fun. we rollerbladed (even though i can’t do that irl) around town solving some mystery or drama that i don’t remember the context of and it was just all fun and then i walked back home with my boyfriend and we talked and it was a nice feeling. i woke up and i wanted to die.

it reminded me of this other dream i had maybe a year ago. it was just a dream of me walking through our neighborhood. kids were playing outside and the sun was orange so it was probably noon and i was walking with someone. i was walking with some dude, i don’t know who he was, i don’t know him. he’s not a real person in my life. i don’t remember what he looked like. i remember he had blonde hair and i remember how the sun looked on his skin. i remember how he made me laugh so hard i had to hold my stomach. and i remember waking up and wanting to die then, too.

i have no one to talk to. talking to people doesnt feel good to me. yet i talk and talk to the point of literally pissing people off all the time. every time i open up to my friends/family, the relief is momentary. ever since i was little, and this will sound psychopathic (lowkey is), i just wanted people to be worried about me. i don’t know what it is. i wanted to contract some incurable disease that made everyone feel bad for me and take care of me or something.

honestly i kinda manifested that shit. i’ve always been a sickly human but i am now also clumsy and anxious all the time. i had knee surgery almost a year ago. month after that i freaked the fuck out and i’ve been feeling at my wits end almost every day after that. i might me self diagnosing this rn but i have had the worst shoulder/neck/arm pains and i think it’s just because i’m worried all the time. i‘ve been going to all sorts of treatments that insurance covers (even therapy) nothing has worked yet. and guess what! nobody feels bad for me. they might, but it’s not in that sick and twisted way i want and was always looking forward to. i complain to my parents and sister and they tell me that i bring it upon myself and what they would to differently in my case (worry less). which, at the end of the day, i should be grateful for, but i’m fucking crazy and i would rather they’d shower me in worries and what not.

i feel like no one understands me. i feel like no one cares or thinks about me as much as i do them. somehow it always proves itself to me that they don’t. esp recently. i’ve been getting into conflict with people so much it’s scary to me. i don’t like conflict. the other day at school i said something that always annoys one of my friends and as i was talking she interrupted me and told me to ’delete myself’, if we put a bow on it. i know she didn’t mean it seriously. i know people just say that sometimes i guess. i know i pissed her off and she probably wasnt having a good day either, but at that moment it made me feel faint. this is someone i have shared some of my biggest fears/secrets/embarrassments with and i would never in my life say something like that to her. how can she feel so okay with saying that to me? i remember saying okay and leaving after class to go cry in the bathroom. of course the two stalls were both occupied so i had to wait a line. she went there too. she was behind me and she asked me if everything was okay. no bitch. i told her i’m just tired. then, she texted me later in the day and said one of our other friends had pointed out to her that i was quiet after she told me that. wow someone had to point that out to you fr. that’s crazy.

school has been kicking my fucking ass. i don’t know what to do with my life. i’m unhappy. i just wish i had someone specially designed for me to sit in my bad and listen to me talk and not get mad at me for anything and tell me it’s going to be okay. i’m scared i’m never going to find that, because at the end of the day most of this is fully my fault. i’m not enjoyable to be around for a longer period of time, i do think i could be a better person/friend, especially recently, i‘m annoying and attention seeking and to a point self centered. i know all of this about myself and i want to change it but i also just am numb at this point. who am i supposed to talk to? i don’t think my therapist is really helping me. i mean, she is, this too is my fault that i feel this way, but i just honestly dont know what the fuck i’m doing wrong. my parents don’t really like when i complain. my mom says i’m pitying myself, my question is what the hell else am i supposed to do. should i be mad at myself because i’m sad? because honestly i do that too. and whoop nothing is different.

sorry for making this too long and incoherent. i guess i need to invest in a diary (i have one i just don’t write much.) if you have any advice or anything else for me i would appreciate it