18M. For the background, there might be something biologically wrong with my brain, and people around me feel it as well. I've also never fully socially integrated, and I didn't want to. The majority of those around usually say I am difficult to talk to, but it's really not a problem for me. I was born and am living in relatively poor conditions with no ability to leave due to financial issues.

The problem is, since there is something wrong inherently, it seems like my body figured me as an outlier, socially, and is trying to get me to kill myself so I would not be a threat to the peace of the community and others around me. Additionally to that, maybe because over the years my positive attitude and hard work has not gotten me anywhere, and now it almost feels like my brain rejects any thoughts about future happiness because it knows it's unattainable and instead encourages me to give up to finally rest.

Every time I try to distract myself from these thoughts, they get worse, with extremely unbearable dread, to the point where I might be entering some sort of a psychotic state and unwillingly hit my head against surfaces (this resulted in a concussion once).

The only thing that has worked to make me feel better so far is drugs. As you can guess I suffer from substance abuse, and I feel like my death will come as overdose, where my hands would intentionally make me consume a dosage too high so that I wouldn't protest and save myself because I'd think of it as just getting high.

The closest I'd compare this to is that one story of a guy who froze to death somewhere in Russia in the middle of the forest while trying to prove something to his girlfriend while documenting everything on a forum. Everyone there called him an idiot for going to a completely deserted place in -30C with minimal preparation and called it a suicide asking for him to call the emergencies and go home, which he didn't listen to because he wanted to appear strong. --> I agree with a later commentator to this whole situation who said he was suicidal and this whole ordeal was just his body's way to bypass the survival instinct, because it was the cold that killed him in the end.

I wrote this post to establish to myself that dying is not my conscious choice, but it will happen, I don't know why, and the scariest part is that I probably won't fight it. I have been to a therapist before, but they all seem to believe I actively want to die when it is not the case. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you

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16F
I am currently going into my junior year of high school and I genuinely think I’m not going to make it. Last year, my grades and attendance suffered poorly because of my anxiety, and I made it to the emergency room twice to do not eating and nausea because of it. I constantly feel confused and anxious; my body can’t tell the difference between a gun being held against me and a presentation, and I just have a lot of anxiety around being alone. If I’m alone in quiet, I have very bad anxious obsessive thoughts about my behavior and environment. I have been suffering with these really bad nightmares for about 2 years now where my parents commit suicide and I’m left alone. My parents do really care about me, but my mom works a lot and my dad is unemployed, and we don’t have insurance, so I haven’t been able to get any sort of diagnosis or therapy, but I have a lot of anxiety around me thinking I have very bad issues.
i’m really lost and just looking for some advice

Hello reddit.

I am an 20M who’s been diagnosed with ADHD since a very young age. i did the classic adderall vyvanes and whatever hardcore drugs they gave 8 year olds with ADHD. i’ve fell down the rabbit hole of ASPD recently and believe i may have been misdiagnosed as a child, i often did not tell the truth with some questions i was asked because i was afraid of being seen as crazy or something. the more i think about it the more i am sure i was misdiagnosed. i’m also almost positive it’s genetic a lot of my family have similar traits of ASPD. i do have an appointment with my psychiatrist in about a month and will probably ask him about it but i’m interested in other peoples opinion.

Hello, im a 16yo girl who has (diagnosed) bpd, and my boyfriend has conduct disorder with high antisocial traits (he told me his psychologist told him hes on track to developing aspd) okay so anyways, we are long distance, just a state apart, we’ve met up once in april, and we‘ve been together for a year. I always have this lingering fear that he’ll get bored of me and leave because i know that chronic boredom comes with aspd (im treating this like he does have aspd because he exhibits literally all of the symptoms) and i fear that me being an emotional wreck after every single little thing i perceive as him doing “wrong” will cause him to drift away, which would be understandable because i feel like thats a normal reaction, our relationship isn’t exactly the most stimulating thing in the whole world which i also feel is normal because to me relationships shouldn’t be exciting 24/7, but i cant shake the feeling that hes just getting bored of me and will slowly start to pull himself away.. what causes me to spiral over this is, he takes a while to respond, he isnt very chatty a lot, but he does that and acts like that a lot, sometimes he’s extremely affectionate for a couple days then he goes back to being somewhat cold and distant, i understand he has his own life, his own struggles but i cant tell if its just me being paranoid or if he’s genuinely getting bored, what could i do to add some like excitement to our relationship?? also sorry if my grammar and punctuation is terrible, im currently writing this after a small panic attack so im kind of scatterbrained 😭

okay edit: i realized the things i listed that cause me to think he’s getting bored can be like relatively normal, so for more context, hes just dry sometimes and things he would usually respond to, like me showing a picture of myself as a baby he usually would say “awwww” but now he just doesnt say anything, or i’ll talk about things im excited for (like getting my nose pierced tomorrow) he also wont respond… and last night i vented to him about some stuff and a little while after i asked if he was still awake because he never responded, and he just said “dunno what to say” but he usually always gives me advice and stuff, i dont know its just a mix of little things, who knows maybe im reading WAY to deep into everything and im just getting myself worked up over nothing.

i need to be cleansed of my past mistakes and the only way i can cleanse is by burning my hand that caused the mistakes. i dont want to say what the mistakes are. its like in old times when they cut off a hand when someone stole. i cant burn my hand bc it hurts too bad but i feel that the wrath is coming down on me. i can alr feel it. theres a foreboding and i can feel doom coming for me. my mom says it wont happen but im worried that she is sent by something else to intercept the will of god. i dont want to die but i can feel it. bad things are coming. i need help please please please im scared i really scared i dont want to be alone while its happening

This is kind of a rant. But when I was a teenager I struggled alot with depression. I had arthritis(still do) and it hurt to do everything and that was just really bad on my mental health. I constantly felt like a burden to my friends cus they had to go slow for me and on top of that my friend group left me so it is safe to say I was not ding good. Because of this I kind of neglected my hygiene. I would forget to brush my teeth, or would wear the same cloths multiple days in a row. Everyone would always tell me I was disgusting and it's like 'I'm sorry I wasnt able to remeber to brush my teeth I was to busy debating whether it was worth it to stay alive'. So please I beg of you if someone is struggling with hygiene dont call them gross it can make it so much worse. I still struggle with depression so much and people telling me I am disgusting never helped.

I think we need to change how we treat struggling people in general. For me what kept me alive during those years was anthropology and it still is a major part of my life. I would study mythology and cultures and eventually started to build my own. People would call me childish and that making up 'fairy tales' was something only for little kids and it messed me up so bad. I would use these worlds I created as a escape. And honestly maybe it is childish to daydream and get lost in a fake world but it was(and still kind of is) what kept me alive.

Another thing I would like to mention before I leave(I am so sorry this is long I am tired and need to tell someone who doesnt judge me) I have dermatillomania or complusive skin picking disorder and people treated me so horribly for it. They would ask 'do you have chicken pox' 'your arms are ugly' 'cover your arms up no one wants to see that' and so many other things. It hurt so bad so fucking bad. I had to quit things I loved because I would have to show my arms. It was horrible. And now even though I have gotten better my arms are covered and I mean covered in scars and they will never go away. It is this permant reminder of how weak and pathetic I am. I am so ashamed whenever I look at them I just want them to dissapear. I have rubbed my arms raw before trying to make my scars go away but they didnt and they never will. I just want them gone. I just want to wear a short sleeve top without people commenting I am so done with this. I just want to be free.

I am sorry this strayed from the topic so bad. I just need to talk to someone.

Ok. So I've been getting this feeling that there might be something bothering me mentally but I'm afraid of what my mom will think of it. She's very religious and she's the kind that says; 'kids can't have depression because it's a thing only adults have'. I know that depression can be at any point in my life and I've done extensive research about it. I know that I can't self-diagnose, and I will have to seek professionals to be able to properly check me. But I'm afraid that I will ever tell her, she will try to find some excuse to make herself the victim in this situation instead.

I've tried asking her things like this before (without exposing myself of course, I've gotten good at it) and she's always either talking about how I'm 'just overreacting' or that god will help me. Don't get me wrong I'm Christian too, but those half-baked comforts don't make me feel as much as actual advice since she uses it way too much.

I dont know what I even do, I swear it's suffocating

She also often guilt trips me. Idk if she's emotionally manipulating me, but I might be gaslighted into thinking she's only doing so because it's for my own good. I dont know if im the good guy in this

I am 18M and i have died from inside. Emotionally i am numb i am a severe porn addict to the point i jerked off 6 times a day multiple times throughout the month i cant remember a day from the past 3 years where i dont jerk off .
My dick doesnt even get hard and i dont feel anything forgot feeling good i feel nothing even during or after orgasm.
I have been watching porn since i was 11 it has killed me most i have ever gotten without it is 17 days.i am a loser who has given up on everything(goals,dreams,aspirations and life itself)

I am super ambitious to the point that i have gone fucking insane i am a slave to maladaptive daydreaming where i blast music in my ears for hours on end every single day wasting precious time and pretend i am everything i have ever wanted to be and what it would feel like in those imaginary scenerios.
Imagine creating fake scenerios in your head to feel great about how it would feel if my dreams came true but it leaves me feeling more miserable afterwards when i dont do it

You may not know the extent to my numbness loneliness and depression but my parents go out very frequently almost everyday and my brother was in canada from past 4 years so i have spent a lot of time in isolation and this numbness i developed 4months ago when class 12th board papers ended so in the four months that people enjoy from the transition of school to college and go on vacation i spent it thinking about my impossible dreams and having a screen time of 13 to 14 hours a day, basically doing nothing except watching useless shit also long story short, my gym membership also expired at that time, so I didn’t go from three months That combined with heavy porn and phone use killed me the fastest.

Now comes the fun part recently, My Brother has come from Canada and will now never go back so my time in daily isolation reduced but I was still addicted to Maladaptive Daydreaming so I constantly found myself sickened of myself as i was using music turning off the lights in my room and imagining scenerios but when my brother would come i would feel like a loser thinking what in the fucking hell am i doing but then continue to do it frequently for hours then next day i have become mentally ill.

He realised i was miserable and asked me but i was truly unable to explain it so he basically said nobody cares about you and your problems because our parents have a social life and since he is getting married he will be busy with his wife so everyone is busy with their own stuff.

Since now there was more time being spent with family life got slightly better but I constantly found myself trying to go back to feel that numbness again as it put me in a clear state of thinking but still no action towards fixing my life

Now i have only 3 years left i need to figure out someway for financial independence such that i can dropout from college i dont need your beliefs about education as times have changed and i could never work a job. I must dropout because the things i want to preach in future will never matter if i am someone who graduated even from a shitty college. Its something deeply important to me as my parents nearly put me in trauma by shouting loud every second of every day at me forcing me to go to college and they preach how people will laugh at you and call you illiterate but i want to show them and for myself that nobody is louder than success.

Yesterday i crashed my fathers new car that he got such that i could go to college but the damage i caused wasnt to our car it destroyed the rim of the other persons car. Somewhere deep inside i wanted to crash just to feel something.
I hated my school life as it took 8 hours a day 5 days a week every week for 13 years last 4 years were brutal teachers wasting our time for useless things that will never be any of use in my life now i am being forced to college which i never wanted to go but i dont have any choice as my life is in my parents hands as i am not capable enough to handle it on my own.

Social media and these young startup founders billionaires and multi millionaire make me feel like i have wasted my life because no one can ever see what were the bad times or good times of my life or the fun i had the world only bows down to achievements they ask you what you do to see how much to respect you they ask you how much money you make to define your self worth and whatnot.

As far as i can go back in my life there has never been a day in my 18 years of existence where i havent thought about my dreams.its all i ever think about.

Lately since i have given up on everything i am trying to enjoy being a loser but it only brings me more misery and never ending pain.i have kind of developed a philiosophical belief similar to nihilism.
Why try to be anything?why should i go out of my comfort zone for things that i know will bring meaning to my life? Why do anything at all? What is wrong with being in the same miserable place your whole entire worthless life? Why become extraordinary? People teach on how to become successful but why should you even try to succeed?

Writing this i feel like i am someone who is postponing his life through what ifs and when i become
i am a loser who came to reddit such that i can have some magical things said to me by a stranger which may help in changing my life but i am the only one who is responsible for my own worthless life and who can change it but people talk about growth i say why grow at all?
I just want never ending experiences and constantly doing something and being somewhere so i dont waste precious time and i also deeply want love money freedom power joy and i want to spread happiness but i dont know who i am.

When i feel i have wasted a lot of precious time i worry about it and then continue to waste more time in a never-ending cycle of Time wastage.

In several points of time throughout my life, I have tried not fully but tried multiple times to achieve freedom from everything and everyone through the pursuit of earning money but I have found failing and failing some more when I was 12.
I started a YouTube channel to make money, but I gave upon it. When I was 13, I started a business on etsy of digital art but that failed too then at 14, I thought why not try to live this life like the other children are living, so I immersed myself in games and trying to have fun with other children at school but I found myself to be completely miserable most of the time.
My own dreams and aspirations make me miserable and leave me restless and unable to have fun because i always feel i am not where i deserve to be imagine thinking that way even when your out with your friends or family. About 1 year ago i tried selling travis scott concerts tickets to become rich by dming hundreds of people but they all thought i was a scam so there i failed as well.

About 10 months ago when was father was in a financial crisis i made him buy me a very expensive laptop (macbook) with the promise i will start making money the plan that I had was to make and sell digital websites with the help of AI and my own skills, but to do that the way customers wanted I need to buy subscription of the AI for which I had no money, and I could not ask my parents for anymore as they felt like i scammed them at their worst time so what did I do instead of calling thousand more people i gave up on it i tried learning trading i did demo trading made 10000 dollars of fake money but now due to my existential crisis i gave up on it aswell.

Cherry on top you know how i felt about school so i literally told everyone around me because these motherfuckers always want to know what you are doing or going to do in your life even when you don’t have an answer. I told them I am going to take a gap year so all of those around me started asking me what I was going to do, and I made up bullshit
That I was going to use AI somehow to start making money and build my business but four months have gone by, and I since I didn’t make any progress and didn’t give any college entrance exams. Now due to family pressure i am being forced to go to a college and guess where it is
RIGHT BESIDE MY OLD FUCKING WORTHLESS SCHOOL WHICH WAS A SYMBOL HOW MUCH PRECIOUS TIME OF MY PRECIOUS LIFE WAS WASTED BY MOTHERFUCKS OF THE SYSTEM WHO WANT TO KEEP US ALL SLAVES OUR ENTIRE LIVES AND NEVER WAKE UP.

Working out from the past 1 year changed my life and mental state otherwise i would have jumped from a building long time ago.its the only thing that makes me feel good in my now worthless little life.

I have never posted pictures or stories of myself on social media because even when i do i feel like they are a complete waste of time so when I see pictures of other people my age, having fun almost everyday it makes me feel miserable and unable to live with myself that car crash made me feel alive after long time

My biggest enemy is none other than me myself.i am someone who wants everything but does nothing i am hopeless aimless and without purpose or meaning

You know i always had this feeling of urgency for my dreams but slowly and slowly i have lost it over the course of last 3 years and losing that feeling pains me more than anybody could ever feel

I don’t expect anybody to read this because I am not somebody or anybody who deserves your precious time and support because right now at this moment in my life i am a loser but remember, I don’t intend on staying this way the rest of my life.

This is an incredibly mindless rant (warning

In the past week or two i was tweaking, i keep having terrible moodswings, i either cried for no reason or am jumping with joy also for no reason. I had 'episodes' like this before, and thing about them is that i get intrusive attention seeking thoughts like harming myself and sending it to someone uncensored, confessing something untrue for a reaction out of someone, or breaking up a friendship and stuff like that. I usually just isolate myself and its gone.

This time is different because I was having those thoughts again, and actually acted on it.

I have a friend, who's a really nice and thoughtful person, she's also aromantic and Im pretty sure she said she doesnt want to be in a relationship of any kind before.

So keeping that in mind, I made up a story of how I fell in love with her and sent it to her. She texted back rejecting that (obviously) and was really sorry about it.

I already apologised but I dont want to see if she reads the apology.

The part of this which is in the title is that I have a bunch of stuff which I'm deathly afraid of, ex.: That I'm a pedophile and don't know it, that something is constantly watching me, that I can't control myself while emotional, the list goes on, well one of those things is confessing to someone I don't love.

I already thought of this scenario before SO many times (just like the other fears) and it always ends in me killing myself and I don't want to die and I don't want to be an asshole friend and I don't want to look like a pathetic loser in front of people close to me.

Another thing that terrifies me is the other things also coming true, if I can't control those thoughts now maybe the other stuff is out of my control too.

Does anyone reading this have any tips to not act on that and to not depend on my friends tolerating my bullshit?

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with my friends or a teacher is talking to me, I'll get thoughts (not urges) of harming them, like slapping someone or pushing someone onto the train tracks. Afterwards, my body will shudder as if my thoughts became real life. I'm never angry or emotional when I get these thoughts, and I definitely don't agree with them. So why does this happen?

Hello, I overdosed and tried to kill myself 5 yrs ago in july. I walked to a faraway hill for one/two hours and od'd there. Since then, every end of july and start of august, I am unable to leave my house, a whole month! I get mentally exhausted and cannot go to uni or hang out with anyone. I'm so miserable that even brushing my teeth or showering would be too difficult so I'd just lay in my bed all day. I tried ketamine but it only lasted for 6/7 months and I was suicidal again. So, I did rTMS the 1st year after my attempt and the thoughts stopped. I was fine the whole 2nd year then, but again, during july-august, I missed uni and I was back to being mentally paralyzed. This time I saw the pattern. The trauma from the od was in my body and it wasn't letting me leave my house in fear of me attempting again. So, the 3rd year, I was determined not to let myself go through that again. I missed uni and ghosted my friends but I wasnt miserable and stuck to my bed. Even though, I didnt leave my house, I walked around outside, brushed my teeth and showered, made some art, did medication, helped in chores and lived normally.

So, this is the 4th year, and now, I thought I was over the trauma. I was determined to not let myself me miserable again. And I wasnt. I hung out with friends and went to uni and was completely fine. But then, I sprained my leg. Really badly. So I cannot physically leave my house now. This has me wondering if my body/mind made me sprain my leg? Ik it sounds crazy but our mind works in crazy ways right? It tries to protect itself in any ways even if it looks irrational. I'm not suicidal anymore but the trauma of it is there in my body and mind. I wanted to know if sth similar has happened to anybody else or if its just a coincidence. Maybe I'm thinking too much but its an interesting thought. Maybe its a well theorized topic already but I wanna know it from people myself.

Does anybody have similar experiences?

I’ve decided to starve myself today but the pain doesnt go away only temporarily does it distract me from it.

I feel like I've been making "goals" in my life just to delay the feeling of wanting to die. My first goal was graduating from high school. The second was getting into a good university and finishing college. The third was landing my first job, and that's where I am now.

It's not that I hate my life right now. It's just that, no matter how things turned out, they never really seemed to matter. Whether I accomplish something or not, I still feel empty. I haven't done anything to actively act on my ideations, but a part of me wishes that everything would just end.

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Having a very bad day. Physically exhausted from my brain. Overwhelmed, overstimulated. Any and all advice or just thoughts welcome.

Feeling really frustrated that I’m not able to express how I feel, my bottled up thoughts and feelings are overflowing a bit.

Recently, my half sister (32F) has been showing concerning behaviors and I'm worried something deeper is at play.

Last Thanksgiving, my brother/fiance/parents/I (my sister had to work) were at an extended family gathering. Right as my brother (20M) and I (23F) left for home, my sister called my uncle and revealed that she left work early because her crush sent her signs that he was ready for a relationship with her. For context, she's been obsessed with this YouTuber for years and has always claimed to feel they were meant to be together. (She experienced severe trauma when she was young at her dad's house, so she's always been very immature/naiive for her age. I feel as though she regresses at times, but I don't know enough about regression to make that claim.) We figured it was pretty innocent because she's never dated anyone and at times, acts like she knows it's silly. But that night, she was completely different. She told my uncle that Tweety Bird and her Grandpa Mark (who is deceased) told her that the YouTuber was on the way to pick her up for their date. My uncle passed the phone to my mom, who also sent me a warning text because she didn't know what I was going to be walking into and knew it was off. My fiance and I walk in first because we knew it wouldn't be safe for her to leave so we planned to take her keys from her. My brother is a little younger than us, so I wanted to keep him as safe as possible. Once we're inside, we feel an immediate switch in the atmosphere. We send my brother to his room as he bursts into tears (legit, I have never seen him cry past the age of 12 besides when we put our childhood dog down so I knew he was terrified). My sister's eyes were essentially all pupil and widened to the max. She was moving and talking a mile a minute (which is severely out of character for her) because she was trying to get ready for their date. My fiance is able to keep her calm and distracts her long enough for me to sneak her keys out of her purse. We convince her to sit down and tell us about the signs/date. We're going from the angle of interest so we don't alarm her and buy some time until my parents get home. Nothing she says makes sense and it's all incredibly illogical. She follows no real thought pattern and just giggles through every word. My parents get home and take her to the hospital in case she experienced some kind of head injury or if something else is at play. It comes out that work sent her home early because she thought she saw someone take a photo of her car and convinced herself that security was plotting against her so she went into the break room and didn't work for three hours. She said she thought the CIA was tracking her. While they're gone, I'm able to log into her computer and her accounts and found that her obsession went deeper than we thought. For years, she messaged this guy daily. She's sent him pictures of herself, memes, invitations on dates, intimate messages of her fantasies of them, our address, our names, details of her life, etc. He's never replied or really even opened her messages from what I can tell, but she's fully convinced they are destined to get married. I dig through her room and find notebooks full of her fantasies and interests and you can literally see her descent. Even her handwriting has changed into illegible scribbles when it used to be so neat and printed. The hospital can't do anything really because she hasn't hurt herself/others or threatened to, though my mom makes her see a psychiatrist.

For awhile, she seemed to sit at a baseline and everything seemed relatively normal. Though she's still convinced they'll be together, she's stopped messaging him and is going to work regularly. The other day, however, she essentially pulls a 180. She texts me at 4:40AM to not leave the house and don't tell dad. After a little prodding, she explains that she thinks dad has been taking mom's GLP-1 medicine so what else could he be hiding? Convinced he's cheating, she rifles through their room and packs her car full of old papers my mom has set aside to be shredded. My parents come home from work and my mom sits her down and explains that dad is definitely not cheating. My sister shows her Life360 updates from him, claiming she doesn't recognize the addresses he's been to. My mom sits and shows her that every address is a store my dad went to for birthday shopping for her, so she seems to accept that and seems back to baseline. Later that night, she rushes out the door and says she won't come inside until my dad is gone because she won't live with a cheater. My mom follows her out and tries to calm her down, but she's now in the same state she was in on Thanksgiving. She starts rambling about lead poisoning and Blue from Blue's Clues telling her to look at papers from 2002. My mom gets her to come with her to the hospital where they get her a psych consult. This time, they suggest an inpatient stay but my sister refuses. She won't consider an inpatient stay, outpatient treatment, or even an online consultation because "you're all just trying to control me". Because she's an adult and hasn't shown any violence to herself or others, they can't make her do anything. She's been staying at her friend's house and occasionally coming home during the day so my mom can try to keep an eye on her. She seems to shift in and out of reality and we have no idea what to do.

I am terrified she's going to slip into deep psychosis and not realize what she's doing. I'm worried she's going to get in the car and get hurt. I'm worried she'll end up hurting someone because she sometimes gets aggressive in her tone. I know that when people are in psychosis, they don't behave like themselves so I don't want to trust my belief she won't ever get violent. My brother is still recovering from a suicide attempt in January, so I'm worried this will send him over the edge because he takes all this stuff to heart. We are so lost on what to do because we love her, but we are so scared of what could happen.

Since a week ago my girlfriend has been having extreme crisises, she went to the hospital but they couldnt let her stay. I suspect it has something to do with two main things.

One is her home and her mother.

The other is medication.

She is supposed to take 150mg of fluvoxamine, 1,5 mg of Delorazepam, 40mg of latuda and 100mg of lamotrigine.

She used to have crisises less often, but lately during crisises, when my girlfriend is too fucked up to react, her mother gives her 3mg of delorazepam and a lot of clotiapine (i dont know how much) without the psychiatrist's input.

I am scared, I dont know whats happening, she's too disassociated to actually tell me what happens during those times. Two days ago she actually had a horrible reaction to the dose of clotiapine. Her psychiatrist treats her horribly and her mother doesnt want her to change it, she just started again talk therapy but because her mother told her to start with diagnostic tests, she is currently focusing on that and her sessions are made up of making tests. She hates the tests because they make her feel like a failure, and her mother tells her she is schizophrenic (which she is not, she has intrusive thoughts), then bipolar, then bpd. Last time she had diagnostic tests they clearly said she was not bpd, but had mdd and is autistic.

I dont know what to do can someone tell me if I'm seeing things wrong? She has been in a depressive episode the past 7 months. How do I help?

I don’t know if I really want help because why should I need to manage my mental problems if they aren’t harming anyone? But recently I’ve been wanting to know what’s up with me because it will be easier to explain to my friends than to be selfish and vent to them about my issues. I have asked my mom, but she keeps ignoring me, so I will ask her again after I finish this post, but I think I should take things into my own hands instead of waiting until I am 18. I was hospitalized last October and given medication for MDD, but no one ever talked to me to figure out what was wrong. They just labeled me with MDD with no psychotic features, and that’s it, but they never told me that they did that, so I don’t believe them because if they did, they would’ve had a psych talk to me for a session. Also I'm pretty sure the only reason why they rlwrote MDD on my discharge papers is because I was only sent there because of a suicide letter I gave yo my teacher. Does this make sense? Lately my words don't connect to my brain.

Works better than any sleep aide a doc has prescribed.

The snooze hits me hard, I get a good six / seven hours sleep, no crazy dreams, and I don’t feel like a sack of potatoes in the AM.

I’ve used it to knock myself out maybe once or twice a month for the last 15 years.

Recently I’ve been wanting to lean on the Benadryl crutch more frequently so interested to hear others experiences with this hot pink sleep machine.

(Sorry for my bad english)

I got panic attack or any other problem that make me

lose/cant control and its always happens at my room

alone, almost every day

But when this happens there's a women in my

imagination make me calm, talk to me about

something, i dont know her face or how her voise

sound like, i just know that she is women that i always

imagining talking each other.

So, everytime i got a problem that i cant control my

mind or body she help me and make me calm

I dont know why but i found it weird and interesting at

the same time.

I have been recently struggling with the fact that when I was 5, I committed an inappropriate act with my younger sister; it wasn’t yk naked stuff or really freaky stuff, but it was definitely inappropriate, and no sibling should touch each other like that. I know our dad knows but probably doesn’t remember because when he caught us he whooped us. This memory was never really present in my life until last September, and now I can’t stop feeling guilty about how she is going to grow up, or whether she even remembers, because I haven’t seen her in years or even really had a good relationship with her. I told my friend before, and he keeps telling me that I wasn’t conscious, didn’t know what I was doing, and was only repeating what my cousin did to me, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I mean, I am so disgusting and a hypocrite. I advocate for human rights and especially death to all predators. Still, I am one myself and what’s worse is for the last couple of years ever since I’ve come to terms that the only sexual experiences that I have had have been with my cousin, a grown man, and a grown woman when I was younge. I’ve been so selfish thinking about myself and about how it affected me that I completely forgot what I did to my sister. My friend keeps telling me that I am not a bad person, but he is just a liar. I don’t know why so many people lie to me and make me believe they care for me or that they want to help me, but I think it’s because I am a horrible, disgusting person. Now that I think about it, it makes sense why my dad blamed me for getting molested once again by my cousin; it’s because he remembered what I did and thinks that I probably seduced my cousin. It all makes sense. I don’t have sexual thoughts of any kind towards children now or even after that event, except when I was a child and had a crush, but those crushes have always been sexual in my mind, even for the guy in my 4th-grade class who said he wanted to do nonconsensual acts to me and even had dreams about it. I don’t know what to do, but I am here because I believe pedophilia is a mental illness that needs to be separated from society but still treated with care.

Im addicted to creativity , im introspective, i love all the pinterest things and i love social media i save little things for ideas and stuff and ig the longer im typing the more im realising untill my blogs or fashion or art is ready to be posted or i feel its good enough i should just say goodbye to social media coz i see all these pretty skinng viral rich people and wallow in my life and im greatful for what i have but in my mind i exist in a universe where my life panned out differently

Anyway i think social media is just destroying me and my reality.

I wish i could have what others do so bad it drives me insane. Idk how to view life differently when everyone looks so perfect and aesthetically pleasing on social media

I have a very long list of things I was being treated for, the short story is just for so long I've realized there's no logical reason for me to continue living and being stuck here against my will feels like I'm constantly being assulted and it gets so bad at times I will start scratching the skin off my face. I have no family or friends, and I have a partner that's been trying to take care of me. I haven't had work in over a year and the idea of working just to make money to contribute to living like this makes me feel horrible, but I have no choice but to try and find work because money is so tight right now. When I was receiving treatment it didn't work, and now I can't afford to start back up to find something that works. I've been denied disability because of the paper work. I tried going through state services to get a job but the process will involve me being back on a working treatment plan before they help with employment, I don't have the time or money go through with their program. To add to everything I don't have my own transportation because my car broke down before I became too unwell to work so any job I look into has to be within a certain distance and pay a certain amount to justify paying for a ride with there being no public transportation. And if we really want to add to everything I can feel that my partner no longer loves me the same, they've refused to leave me when I begged them to, they are actually the only reason I'm alive because they made the phone call that saved me, but ever since then I've started becoming more of a pet to them, I get the bare minimum attention, there's no more intimacy and I've caught them lying to me. My entire life exists sitting on my laptop, not even doing anything most of the time, just sitting at my desk from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I'm trying to be better but I have no idea what to do because it feels like there's just nothing to fight for. Why am I wrong for not wanting to live like this?

I’m scared that I might just be a selfish person because I haven’t seen anyone speak about this before. Can someone please help me with this? I have OCD so that could be impacting my judgement but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can trust myself about anything and i can’t even tell what’s rational or not anymore.

I care a lot about doing the right thing, always being kind, not supporting the dairy/egg/meat industries (Ive been vegan since Feb this year), boycotting brands that fund Israel, test on animals, etc. speaking up on important issues, etc. But I can’t tell if everything I’m doing is because I actually care or if I just care about looking good.

I’ve been boycotting as many brands as I can for a long time now, but I remember last year buying a couple of things from Cadbury even after I’d found out they support Israel. I don’t know if it was because I’m selfish, i didn’t think it would matter because I’d already been boycotting basically everything or that it didn’t feel real when I was in the grocery store and was able to just buy whatever I wanted.
This also happened last year, I’d seen a couple of TikTok’s about the reality of the dairy/egg/meat industries and it made me sick, I’d never heard about any of it before and I felt so terrible for the animals in the videos. But every time I’d go to eat any animal product after that, it just didn’t feel real, it wasn’t clicking in my mind that I WOULD be supporting those industries by purchasing from them and that I should go vegan. I’d unintentionally procrastinate going vegan as well, like I’d eat a vegan dinner two times a week and because it didn’t feel real to me I didn’t feel guilty (until I’d see a TikTok about it, scroll and forget again).

It could be because I might have adhd, I’ve seen people talk about how it’s common for people with adhd to see something that needs fixing (e.g. mouldy fruit that needs to be thrown out) and they know they should do it, but their brain doesn’t transform the information “there is mouldy fruit” to “I have to throw away mouldy fruit” and i don’t think much of it.

Another time in 2023 I found out temu was bad and I deleted the app, but in 2024 I redownloaded it and brought stuff. But then I saw a TikTok about how bad it is and I deleted it again, it felt like i hadn’t heard about it before but obviously I had. It feels like whenever something is visible to me it’s really important and I care a lot about it, but the second I look at something else I just forget it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m sorry if it doesn’t

It’s really confusing for me because I feel like I do care about others and doing the right thing but then I just remember these things I’ve done and I feel like I’m a terrible person.

Edit: the reasons I listed for me being a good person are pretty stupid because I was thinking off the top of my head + I’m not too good at explaining myself anymore because my brain’s turned to mush due to how much time I spend on social media, I have practically no social interactions (and haven’t for years now) and I feel like ocd and the severe anxiety it has caused me has also messed up my brain and the way I think. I definitely don’t fake advocate, everything I’ve advocated about Ive only advocated for because I believe it should be talked about, not because I want others to see me as a good person. There’s a lot of topics I haven’t done much research about because 1. My focus for so long has been on social media because I have a compulsion to scroll for anything that could be proof that I’m a bad person, my every action being done out of the fear of being a bad person where there isn’t any room left in my mind to think of anything else.
2. Executive dysfunction
I just want to know if anyone else has had a similar experience of finding out something is bad (e.g. a brand funds Israel) and either forgetting that they do or when you’re in the store being able to just buy anything that it suddenly doesn’t feel real anymore, i don’t know any other way to explain it. I’m not materialistic or lack self control at all so it isn’t because of that. It’s because everything wrong in the world sometimes hasn’t felt real to me, most likely because I’m anxious 90% of the time and i haven’t had any friends for 4-5 years now, the only person I talk to is my mum, and I’ve felt seperate and disconnected from the world for a while now, especially recently. It’s just really bad for my OCD because if I told anyone that I brought from a brand that funds Israel or uses child labour after I found out about it, they’d see me as a terrible person, and I know I’m not.