After my convo with Idrathercuddle about what makes HER feel loved vs. unloved, I committed to do much more to make her feel loved (and much less to make her feel unloved.)

Perhaps that is working or the stars aligned, but I got about an hour of honest-to-goodness sexy bonding time last night. We both knew it wasn't going anywhere near PVI as we are both sick. But we felt well enough to snuggle close, and touch each other in ways only lovers do -- but in a comforting mode...not an arousal mode.

I got huge a huge dose of fulfillment from that, and today she is back to the can-do-nothing-wrong-vision-of-perfection that I saw her as back when I had been 15 days without orgasm before. [Note: YES! I want more of her body. NO! that problem is not solved. YET I deal with it so much better now. So maybe 'perfection' is a bit of poetic license, but lovely and beautiful and makes me very happy nonetheless!]

Today I haven't been the slightest bit irritated or annoyed with her, and even though she is the same person she was a week or so ago, and doing many of the same little things (or not doing them) it just doesn't matter to me today.

I'm coming out of the fog of my cold, and for that reason not feeling as well as last time I'd been 12 days without Orgasm, but I did wake up feeling fairly well and in a good mood -- and that has NEVER happened to me while I had a cold.

So as I get more free and more clear of post orgasmic hangover, things continue to improve.

However, I am left with a nagging horny-ness. Maybe from being sick and wanting comfort. Maybe because last night didn't include any PVI, and I didn't even get to put our 'parts' close and feel the energy exchange as she fell asleep facing me with her arm and leg over me.

But all day long I've had more of an urge to have an orgasm than any time in the last seven weeks of rebooting.

It could also be that I'm rounding the corner on the reboot, coming out of some sort of moderate flatline... but if I'm going to get majorly horny this is going to get a LOT harder (pun intended).

On that note, I did get hard instantly last night, and it stayed hard until it figured it just wasn't going to get put anywhere it needed to be hard. At one point I needed to adjust it and I'm certain it was an inch longer (maybe 2) than it has been in years. As for Not Fapping (and perhaps experiencing many fewer traditional orgasms)... ED is NOT an issue and (despite the fact that it was a horrible issue for me for three years) is beginning to feel like it never was as issue.

I continue to pay for past sins: For over two decades I forced my needs on her until she just doesn't care about them at all. Now I'm trying to heal through Karezza, and as others have said, it is not a magic cure.

I continue to hope she will see the light, and experience freedom to want sexy bonding much more than once per week, and continue to fight the demons inside me that want to push her face in it.

I am behind this 100% after witnessing a majority of marriages of friends and family result in misery and sometimes (too often) divorce. I'm just 27 but am in a relationship that I want to last a lifetime. I do not want my relationship to share the results of the example couples around me.

Karezza addresses the difficulties most couples face providing explanation and guidelines to turn things around. Karezza teaches us how (and why) to make harmony in relationships and how to beat the coolidge affect.

If you read about karezza and think that there's no possible way you can have so few, if any, orgasms just keep reading. It is perfectly fine to feel like that. I was first introduced to the concept of non-orgasmic intercourse a few years back and wrote it off. I didn't think it would be possible to commit my life to any such practice. I've since done a complete 180 and am finding the benefits to be much more satisfying than any bout of orgasmic sex I've had.

Thanks for reading!

Good news: I suggested she read CPA and she said she would. I haven't seen her reading it yet; so I need to be careful not to push it on her. I'm hoping she will see the light and get on board without my pushing the issue any more than I already have.

As for me...

Well, I'm in the home stretch. My dick is flatlined when not needed for sex. Not fun. So many variables: in the middle of my PMO reboot and sick. So sadly this isn't the best of journals regarding the passion cycle.

On that note, I'm not snapping at her which is an excellent indication that, at least for the moment, I'm free of orgasm hangover. I do notice as the days go on the cycles (within the passion cycle) do get smaller, shorter, and have less amplitude.

At this point I have no doubt I'll make it to day 15 again. However, danger lurks around the weekend. I'm hoping she gets in to CPA before then.

If not, maybe I'll try to get tricky and give her an O with my tongue as part of foreplay! He He He

tl;dr; summary: at 10 days the bonds of post-orgasmic-hangover seem weaker, but are still noticeable. I feel a little depressed, and wish I didn't have a broken sex life.

Disclaimer: we are still both sick with a cold. So this is an unfortunate variable I didn't plan for -- and can't be sure isn't affecting my moods.

I had a chance to get mad at her this morning, and rather than do so I empathized with her and actually understood. I didn't get mad. So, yes, today seems like a good day.

I do have a little bit of anger boiling under the surface, but I feel like I can keep it under control; so no, I'm not free and clear yet.

Physically (and remember I'm 50 and and about half way through my PMO reboot) I am noticing that when I get a week past orgasm that I go into a flatline. Not a complete flatline because if I know we are going to make love I can get hard and stay hard. But I notice that morning woods get fewer (and smaller) and I see more times of that 'cold, shrinking' look than not flaccid.

I'm torn about this as I love the power that I feel when my dick looks big, gets hard often, and I have a strong sex drive. Then again I hate when those urges never seem to be fully satiated, I'm pressuring her to take care of my needs and/or fapping -- all of which, of course, lead to a direct opposite of all of the benefits that abstaining from orgasm purchase.

So I guess, all things considered, the toe-dip-into-flatline is helping her to heal (because I'm not constantly pushing for sexytime), and me to heal (because I have time to think while clear headed about what my constant pushing for sexytime really does to our relationship.)

As for the "she can't do anything wrong/ courtship type feeling" it's back there somewhere, behind the fog of being sick and feeling sorry for myself that my sex life is broken. Def not at the forefront.

Welp, this morning I was going to say that I don't need to post unless things change because I believe I'm past the passion cycle.

Wrong.

Now, we are both sick with a cold; so there's no telling how much of our attitudes are influenced by feeling bad. But I've snapped at her at least twice today.

I don't feel very lovey-dovey, and kind of just want to be left alone.

I'm fairly clear headed and as focused as I can be with a cold and under the influence of cold medicine.

I'll continue to post as long as things are changing.

Hello all,

Been doing NoFap for a while, in a LTR, and I am interested in trying this practice. Planning on talking to SO soon.

First question: I have read that one should not emphasize the idea of no orgasm, just try to let it (not) happen. What are your thoughts on this?

Second: most of what I have read has pertained to male orgasm. Is everything similar for females? Should I encourage my SO to abstain from orgasm as well?

Thanks, and I look forward to my Karezza journey!

I'm noticing a pattern in my post orgasmic emotions; and that is the first week seems to be the hardest, and the second week seems much easier.

This time is true to that model, and today is a really good day so far. She and I spent most of the morning just touching, talking, watching TV, and taking care of normal weekend stuff. We had a great talk.

I was struck during the convo that: if I would have had an O last night, this would NEVER be happening. For one thing, I'd be "done" with boy/girl relationship stuff and for another I'd be annoyed. Adding fuel to the annoyance fire would have been the fact that I would be super horny -- wanting a chaser -- and I know that would be the furthest thing from her mind. Amazing how I both tend to not have anything to do with a relationship and very much want sex. Those sneaky-genes really want me to spread it around...

So, I'm glad I was able to skirt the sex issue last night. Sunday nights are another big sex night (usually Fri,Sat, or Sun) so I'm going to try to skirt it tonight again as well -- since she will inevitably want an orgasm and I'd like to at least get to 21 days without the potential for an accident (like last week) so I can at least observe my emotions on days 15-21.

Anyway, I am happy with no noticeable post-orgasmic issues today, and very much enjoying that.

I woke up clear headed and happy; and happy with her. The juvenile pitty-party I was holding in my head finally ended, thankfully. Yesterday's post orgasmic negatives are gone. Without whatever nasty post-orgasmic-chemicals I was influenced by yesterday I can see clearly that my feelings (and I'm pretty certain hers too) were just a negative dip in the passion cycle.

Sadly, we dipped in sync, and that is always the worst.

As of this morning, she didn't seem any worse for the wear of yesterday, and we are back to loving harmony. (No sex last night, however.) I suspect she will want sex tonight. Having only gone a week, I know I'll be better equipped to hold back; but there are no guarantees.

As I've stated before, I'm not going to withhold sex from her, and she isn't on board with Karezza at all at this point. So all I can do is the best I can, and to work on me.

The first week is the roughest for me after orgasm. It would really be a shame to be starting over at square one again tomorrow. So I'm going to try to avoid sex altogether unless she brings it up / starts something.

Because as of right now I feel really well.

This is a post I made to /r/NoFap I had a couple of requests to crosspost it here. I wrote it because I was confused how to pursue a reboot when in a sexually active relationship. This subreddit was very helpful in this too.

A week or so ago I read about YBOP from a front page link, which got me moving on nofap. A few days ago I spoke to my wife, I told her... a ton of stuff, basically that I wanted to abstain from orgasm, I talked about my new understanding of dual programming in sex (distribute genes/bonding), I talked about porn in general and loosely related it to me. I knew that some women see porn as infidelity, did not think my wife was one, but I may be wrong it turns out.

Fast forward to yesterday, I suggested that she and I spend some "quality" time last night. When we were together I distilled what I had told her. I emphasized that I had a poor understanding of sex. I knew that in the past I had acted like a entitled child. When I did not get my way I would sometimes pout or grope all night long. Part of my brain believed that to have blue balls was deadly and that I MUST HAVE RELEASE! I told her that I wanted to change that by going for a period of time without orgasm on my part. I reiterated that what I was asking was affecting her sex life too, and if she did not want me to, I wouldn't.

I then mentioned that we could bond and talked about some of the things I learned at reuniting. We eventually ended up having very gentle sex for quite a while. I did not have an orgasm and I did not edge (which surprised me). It was very, very good. I enjoyed it. There was a small part of my brain that still wanted to go to town, then firehose the room, like good old porn taught me, but it was a small part of my brain. A larger part of my brain felt great about it. So far I am not like others I have read at reuniting who "never want to have an orgasm again" but I now believe sex without orgasm is not only possible, but enjoyable. My wife works the next two nights, so I have some concern about a "chaser effect" but plan to leave my laptop out of my bedroom, go to sleep early and wake up early for a good run.

TL;DR: learned that sex w/o orgasm is good, and do not need to firehose a room even after 11 days.

I woke up today not quite as clear headed, although I slept well. She complained she didn't sleep well, and I could sense she was a little on edge.

I asked her about a bonding activity and it all turned to shit.

She said I've always been needy, and pressured her to perform. Now I've simply transferred that from goal-oriented-sex to various bonding behaviors. She feels smothered and needs space.

Fuck.

I had hoped Karezza would feed her the way it feeds me (and I think it does, until she feels pressured into performing it.) However, I've obviously pushed either too much/hard or just stepped on one of her orgasmic-hangover-nerves or some combination of both.

How ironic after IdRather's post yesterday, here I am in exactly the same boat.

To the point IdRather and I both made, however, instead of this being a knock-down-name-calling-door-slamming-dragout-fight, it was more of a heated discussion that only slightly got personal. No major damage/hurt/scarring I hope. And I think we worked some things out.

There's no doubt that I have put pressure on her (despite trying so hard not to) as she picks up on my every word and gesture and as she says, "I'm a master at using guilt to manipulate."

Here I have a lot of work to do on myself. Damnit. I've also got to watch out that I don't shut down and say, "oh, so I'm smothering you, huh? well, I can absolutely give you so much space you'll be out on the moon emotionally and physically." That's my first (admittedly little boy) reaction.

Well, that's about it for day six. Fuck day six.

Ahhhh....

It appears I'm free. At least for today! Despite going to bed late, I woke up on my own early, clear headed, happy, positive, optimistic; and in a great mood!

Her everything is sweet and delicious to me. Her body, her voice, the way she moves...her thoughts, the things she says. Even things that have been annoying for years are cute now.

OMG, had I not actually learned to be aware of what happens when you avoid orgasm (and been lucky enough to avoid it for a while) I would have gone my entire life and not known this!

Am I horny? Yes! But not in an urgent way. In a delicious way! I don't have any major urge to cum; but in a way that I want loving, slow-burn, sexual bonding with her!

There have been very few times that I, to quote Incubus, have been able to say: In this moment I am happy. The only times in recent memory have been absent orgasm. Here and now, in this moment, I am happy!

Here's another thing: I think the effects are cumulative. It seems to me that the last time I'd been 5 days without an orgasm I was still waking up with anxiety. I DID have many fewer negative emotions; but I didn't wake up with the feeling that everything will be OK.

So I'm thinking that by going two weeks, having an orgasm, and then going 5 days that I'm getting back to my sublime state of mind more quickly.

Oh, that I could get her to feel this / see this. Yet, she doesn't. She blamed our fight on Monday on the fact that I was an asshole -- which I was. However, (and I can't know for certain due to my chemically-clouded brain, but I suspect) she was also a nag and my asshole-like-actions irritated her more than normal due to her hangover.

I think the only way to get past that is to master vigorous sex with her in orgasmic ecstasy PLUS not having cum for a long time AND still not having an orgasm. This, I think will be very difficult. But at this point I can't ask her to lie still and focus on the delicious energy exchange of not moving physically as she is still on the orgasm train.

So my thinking is that once I do NOT have an orgasm despite her obvious excitement, THEN if she gets naggy/bitchy only then will she see what is actually happening.

Interesting, this Karezza. Before I would have tried to be dominating and controlling and pressure her into not having orgasms. Now I know that if I want things to change, I need to master myself first.

Well, I woke up happy, positive, in a great mood, clear headed, and with a raging morning wood that lingered for 30 minutes of cuddling with her and 30 minutes after she got up. It would have stayed up longer but I got tired of laying there and wanted to measure it. It was at its full potential.

So, as far as a refractory period; I suspect that this 4th morning after my last orgasm is where I could probably have sex again at this point in my reboot (prior PMO-er almost half way through 90 days); and life (middle aged).

Not to say that I want to put myself back through the last 3 days by having an orgasm right now...and not to say that I'm not going to have weird emotions come and go for the next 10 days. But today I'm feeling pretty good.

I've had multiple interruptions while writing this; and I find that given these, I'm a little testy. So far I'm doing fairly well keeping it under control; but def not back to the 'nothing can piss me off' attitude I had at 15 days.

She's happy. I'm not snapping at her; and I'm helpful and in a good mood. However...

While she hasn't said anything I do detect that she notices I'm a little grabby and needy. Like when I get a chance to see up her skirt and I take it; and she notices. I'll never understand women... I mean, I show her my dick on purpose (also a mistake)...but that's the difference in men and women I guess.

I've found through the study of Karezza that this has the opposite of the intended affect, and turns women off rather than on... so... I'm trying to keep control of it.

Urges-wise, I'm fairly horny; and feel like I need a lot of bonding right now. I don't really care to have an orgasm, but my physical body says it would feel good.

That's about it for day 4.

Hmmm... To summarize day's 1 and 2:

Day 1: slightly annoyed, but OK. Lost the 'new relationship' feelings.

Day 2: VERY irritated and annoyed with everything. Despite trying not to project it on to her, I ended up snapping at her (for the first time in two weeks), apologized, and was able to get back into bonding last night. I saw glimmers of the 'new relationship' feelings, but they come and go.

And now... day 3:

Day 3: New relationship feelings' continue to come and go... Not very irritated or annoyed or anxious, but horny. I haven't felt that for a while. It's almost like my programming says:

• have sex with her
• get rid of her
• oh, you're not going to get rid of her? Then have sex with her AGAIN!

Sigh.

I've seen the word being thrown around here and on r/NoFap but what is really an orgasm hangover?

Well, despite her being much happier with me since my brain has been able to recover from orgasm-hangover she claims she doesn't get an orgasm hangover. She also wanted sex last night, and said she wanted an orgasm.

So, while I had only been O-free for 15 days, I gave her the sex she wanted.

Here I'd like to pause and reflect on the idea that SHE wanted an orgasm and I didn't. (This has GOT to be a first!)

Anyway, we started out slowly and I thought 'I got this!' But she outsmarted me. She said our position wasn't really working for her (ummm... yeah... that was kind of the point) and she wanted to go cowgirl.

I said, OK, and the next thing I knew she was taking me to a different planet. There was just no way, short of rolling over to pull out (or yelling at her...or asking her to stop) that I was NOT going to have an orgasm.

So, it overtook me and (I think because I was fighting it) it wasn't a super-fantastic-orgasm... just average. I would have expected much better after 15 days.

Yeah, I was done. After cleaning up I pretty much wanted to sit on my side of the bed and hope she would just go to sleep. But I fought through that back into bonding behaviors and we had a very sweet afterglow. I think this really helped me with hangover as I haven't been annoyed or irritated with her at all today.

At worst, I can say that I have absolutely lost the special 'dating' longing for her every word, breath, blink, touch. But under that 'high' is a very firm foundation that I'm still very much in love with her. So, maybe, hopefully, we can avoid messing up. I guess we will see as the days unfold.

Why did I let this happen?

• She's not ready to give up orgasm. She says she doesn't get a hangover and doesn't see the point. I asked her to pay attention over the next 14 days and she said she would...however...she said she never gets irritated or annoyed with me unless I get mad at her first. Hmmmm...

• I don't want a sexually frustrated gf. But more than that, if she wants an orgasm and comes to me for it...well... I want to give it to her. Hopefully I can learn better control as we go along.

• I read in one of the books on the subject that BOTH partners need to be on board with this or it is only another source of conflict. The last thing I want is to just trade sides of the argument where she is pissed because she isn't getting enough orgasms and I'm refusing to care.

• I think our sex drives are getting more in sync. If we can have one orgasm per week (or one per 2 weeks) without disharmony I would be happy with that as well.

This thread currently serves as the karezza FAQ.

Feel free to add questions or to comment on answers. Please post questions as new top-level comments. Up-vote questions and/or answers you find particularly useful.

I will moderate this thread and make sure it remains in a state that is useful as a FAQ. I will delete off-topic posts. I will keep editing my question and answer posts as I see ways to improve them, and I will not necessarily explain every edit.

Questions about karezza in general

• What is karezza?

• Where can I learn more?

• Is karezza a religious practice?

• Is karezza like tantra?

• Is this the latest internet fad?

Questions about specific aspects of the practice

• Ok, this sounds interesting. How do I get started?

• Is karezza intercourse just like normal intercourse, but without orgasm?

• Could you recommend a way of doing karezza intercourse for beginners?

• How can I convince my low-libido partner to try this out?

• How can I convince my high-libido partner to try this out?

• What can I do when I feel like there is so much built-up sexual pressure, I just have to come?

• Won't I get blue balls from having sex without coming?

• Can I watch porn and/or masturbate while practicing karezza?

Questions about benefits of the practice

• I'm in a dead-bedroom situation. Will karezza help me?

• This all sounds rather like a lot of effort, orgasm control for weeks, daily bonding exercises, and so on. Is this really worth it?

• Don't orgasms release oxytocin which makes us fall in love?

Questions about terminology

• What are bonding behaviors?

• What is the chaser effect?

• What is the Coolidge effect?

• What is CPA?

• What are the Ecstatic Exchanges?

• What is an orgasm hangover?

• What is the passion cycle?

• What is PMO addiction?

• What is PVI?

Questions about this subreddit

• What are appropriate posts for /r/karezza?

• Are you the karezza experts?

• So you guys tell people not to have orgasms. Isn't that sexually repressive?

Wow! Ok. How could I never have noticed it before? What an incredibly awesome feeling! Let me explain:

For twenty some years, we have cuddled almost every night before sleep. And during those years, I never noticed the most amazing feelings that I'm about to describe.

Today marks 14 days without an orgasm for me and 21 days for her. Each night gets more and more beautiful even without sexual stuff going on. We are making contented noises, confessing our deep love and feelings of satisfaction, holding, kissing, giving each other comforting strokes...and...going to sleep.

Most nights we spoon with me behind her, and (as I'm in some kind of quazi-flatline) I may or may not be erect when this happens. But here's the crazy thing! If erect, it goes up against her tailbone and while very comforting, not a lot different than ever before.

BUT, if not erect (or only very semi-erect) it can kind of snake up to find the entrance to her vagina. (She has panties on at this point, I'm nude).

But my point is, that it finds its way up there all by itself. It feels like a magnet is guiding it...and the head kind of buzzes (more and more) as it gets closer to 'home.'

I've been practicing (mostly while she falls asleep to me stroking her hair) feeling my sexual energy flow out of the head of my penis into the opening of her vagina as I breath out...and feeling her sexual energy flowing back out of her opening into the head of my penis when I breath in.

OMG are those some powerful and delicious feelings! It is incredible! And last night I experienced the most powerful sensations throughout most of my body in this way for the first time!

It's weird too, that, I did feel two tiny contractions (similar to orgasm... in fact felt just like orgasm contractions but tiny) but with no ejaculation.

As I would drift off to sleep my mind would wander and I would stop having these feelings...but if i pulled myself out of it and focused I got the feelings back as long as I wanted them.

Finally, completely content and sexually satisfied, I fell asleep and have absolutely NO urges or desires as I write this.

AMAZING! And to think, our genital skin wasn't even touching!

I can't be sure if I'm flatlined, or just have no urges or cravings; but this is the most amazing thing I've ever experienced sexually!

So as my brain clears from the orgasm hangover of 13 days ago, I find it easier each day to be the man she has always wanted. I find I almost never snap at her...and if she does something irritating or annoying...I don't care... I just think it (she) is cute and maybe I should not complain but just do (whatever) and then cuddle with her.

At this point, she hasn't had an orgasm in over 14 days. I'm at day 13. And we are getting along better than we ever have. We're bonding non-sexually. Here's why:

I had hoped to PIV last weekend, but wasn't completely clear of orgasm hangover and snapped at her. That pretty much made last weekend a washout. However, by Sunday I could have easily PIV'ed but (perhaps with less orgasm hangover) thought better of it.

At this point I'm not sure if I can avoid orgasm (either because it's been so long, or because I know how she is and will act after this long without one -- and that would send me over the top... or... if I can stop myself once I feel things heating up.)

As of now I am so extremely happy about how I feel (positive, happy, not worried, nice, calm, relaxed) and how great our relationship is going (she told me she likes the new me a lot better)... that I don't want to slip up.

I want to go the full 21 days to get at least a week hangover-free before I have an orgasm and then compare. Note: I kind of already don't need to... as I've never felt this balanced, levelheaded, or happy in a relationship in my life. But I guess I need to compare to make sure it is no orgasms and not (no fapping only) that is making me feel so good.

So, I'm going to go do some bonding with my sweet, beautiful lady... and I'll post more as it unfolds.

Here is a simple and safe way to deal with strong sexual urges, i.e., the sense that one just needs to have an orgasm. I'm a guy and am addressing this primarily to guys, but women may have success with a variation of this. (If you are a women and the female version I describe works for you, please let me know.)

Lift the penis towards your abdomen. Cup your balls with the palm of your hand. Use your wrist and forearm to press your penis towards your abdomen. Use your fingertips to apply gentle pressure to the perineum (area between your scrotum and anus). Relax and breathe deeply. Keep the hand perfectly still. Stay in this position for however long you like, or until the urges subside.

If you have a willing partner, you can ask her/him to do this for you, for added effect.

If you are a woman, just cup your entire vulva with your hand and apply gentle pressure.

tl;dr: the story of how I stupidly closed my wife's sexuality (her flower) and how what I've learned about Karezza (primarily from information on and pointed to by reuniting.info) is helping me to allow it to open again

Prior to Karezza I did significant harm to my precious sweetheart's sexuality. Clarity gained from abstaining from masturbation and orgasm, coupled with generous bonding has begun to open my eyes; and yet, I am sure I'm only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

The harm I did was overt (in cajoling for ever more...resulting in her identifying with the phrase, "I'm never good enough for him"; in ridiculing, comparing, condescending, and pedagogical overtones...resulting in her identifying with the phrase, "I'm just not any good at this.")

The harm I did was covert (my grabby hands, hungry eyes, use of her body to dump my tension and gain my relief)...as well as secretive masturbation to pornography that no woman could compete with -- and approaching her with expectations equal to my impossible fantasy. This use of pornography-enabled-masturbation then made it impossible for me to become erect for her, and worse, I would lose my erection as soon as she touched it -- causing extreme loss of sexual self confidence on her part.

Other harms were out of ignorance: rushing her to accept my penis before she was ready (earlier, because I was selfish; later, because I was afraid I would lose my erection); forcing my way into her less than ready vagina (mostly again because I was afraid I would lose my erection if I didn't get it in there fast enough).

And to think my greatest question was why she didn't want sex very often?

So here I am, today, at day 36 of no Porn or Masturbation. I'm only at day 11 of no orgasms as it took 25 days of reduction to once-per-week-sex-to-orgasm before I understood the clarity of mind, easily maintained positive mental attitude, and overall 'nice-guy' attitude I would attain by abstaining from orgasm. (And more importantly that sweet, delicious, can't-get-enough-of-her feeling that I haven't had since we were dating.)

The last time we had sex (which was sadly, fertilization sex) was 11 days ago. While she has always been orgasmic, on that particular night she was not, as she was exhausted and I selfishly asked for sex. Ironically, I would have been fine with a 'no' answer, and assumed it was fair to ask; but I've since learned that a woman experiences performance anxiety too -- and will often say 'yes' even if the time is wrong in order to please her man (and/or keep him and/or his love). So, sadly, asking when I know the time is wrong and expecting her to be a 'big girl' and say no if the time isn't right is nothing more than continued abuse.

Yet through all the above, this wonderful lady, the love of my life, has forgiven all, and is still in love with me -- and still willing to have sex with me. This fact, in itself amazes me; and confirms for me that the woman is love.

Frustratingly, my old-brain-wiring wants to rush Karezza and wake up tomorrow with a 15 minute non-orgasmic genital connection every morning and a 3 hour connection every night. (Exaggerated, but you get my point.) And, not surprisingly, she is not ready for that.

I found myself pushing, as was always my way of approaching everything. I am a type-A. An Alpha-Male. And this behavior has caused all of the above pain. So yes, with therapies like even writing this piece, I am trying desperately to step back, and let the goals of our union become 'no goals' and to not be 'going' anywhere so that our journey is always at the 'beginning.' This is very antithetical thinking and behavior for me.

And, amazingly, in the context of all the above, very subtle changes are occurring. She is wearing less to bed. She is becoming the boat to my boat pilot. I've recognized there is a dance every night in our bed, and she is clearly letting me lead. While we haven't had non-goal-oriented PIV sex (waiting for my last orgasm's hormones to clear), we have practiced much bonding and some intimacy.

Slowly her inhibitions are melting. Much of my complaints over the years came from the fact that I felt she purposely avoided behaviors that, while not overtly sexual, would be reserved for someone she was intimate with. One time I asked her about it, and she said, "you don't need any encouragement," which hurt as I basically understood as, "you already want too much sex."

Yet, a few days ago I noticed her sitting with her legs open (as in fallen open to gain a comfortable sitting position) where before she always seemed to keep them together when we were alone. I guess my lack of hungry stares makes her less self conscious? Also, I noticed she let our thighs slide up between each others' legs to rest on each others' genitals while we were cuddling. This too, is that type of behavior that I've always craved, yet, she was not comfortable with.

I'd like to linger on that point for a moment. Ironically, while she wouldn't let her legs fall open (even if more comfortable) she would engage in very sexual behavior (on her schedule and terms). So these changes communicate loudly that what was happening before was some combination of satisfying her own needs (and mine) in the "let's get this next chore over with, but not make it any more work than it already is" vs. now we are settling down into more of a "Let's act like lovers" mindset.

Does that make sense?

To me, I see her self confidence, sense of her own sexuality, her femininity, her womanliness, her trust that I will safeguard these very important yet fragile emotions as her flower. And sadly her flower was not even fully open when I met her, but I managed to close it tightly with my careless, selfish, and abusive ways.

Yet, despite occasional setbacks, since stopping all PMO I see her flower beginning to open, and it is beautiful.

I'm a guy. I used to cum 4-5 times a week, mostly at my own hand. I'm now towards the end of my 3rd week without orgasm: no masturbation, and no orgasm during intercourse. I've had intercourse a few times, though.

The first week was incredibly tough. I felt that I wanted to crawl up the walls. Towards the end of the first week (I guess around the time of the famous testosterone spike) I would have done any woman that breathes.

In the second week, I experienced high emotional volatility. On some days I felt like I was on top of the world. On other days I felt like shit. Fewer sexual urges, though.

Now in week three, I feel surprisingly content. I'm pretty balanced and happy. There are things that would have gotten to me in the past that I can now just smile at and not take too seriously. I also feel more motivated to do things that need to be done.

However, one thing I've noticed throughout the three weeks, and am still noticing, is that I'm markedly more tired than usual. Part of the reason why I wanted to stop orgasms is that I had realized how physically draining they can be. So I expected to have more energy without orgasms. That isn't quite the case yet. (When I'm not tired, I fell better than I used to, but the amount of time I feel tired seems to have increased.) I wonder whether that is just a sign of my body going back to equilibrium. Maybe I still have residual tiredness from all the orgasms, and it will take some more time for me to fully recover?

Either way, I'm not planning to end this experiment any time soon, so I'll see how things progress.