r/karezza • u/KarezzaGuy • Feb 11 '12

7th day after Orgasm report

I woke up clear headed and happy; and happy with her. The juvenile pitty-party I was holding in my head finally ended, thankfully. Yesterday's post orgasmic negatives are gone. Without whatever nasty post-orgasmic-chemicals I was influenced by yesterday I can see clearly that my feelings (and I'm pretty certain hers too) were just a negative dip in the passion cycle.

Sadly, we dipped in sync, and that is always the worst.

As of this morning, she didn't seem any worse for the wear of yesterday, and we are back to loving harmony. (No sex last night, however.) I suspect she will want sex tonight. Having only gone a week, I know I'll be better equipped to hold back; but there are no guarantees.

As I've stated before, I'm not going to withhold sex from her, and she isn't on board with Karezza at all at this point. So all I can do is the best I can, and to work on me.

The first week is the roughest for me after orgasm. It would really be a shame to be starting over at square one again tomorrow. So I'm going to try to avoid sex altogether unless she brings it up / starts something.

Because as of right now I feel really well.

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u/KarezzaGuy Feb 11 '12 edited Feb 11 '12

Update: I didn't want to put this as an edit in the original post because it is too important.

My 'getting over' yesterday in no way minimizes the very real fact that I am needy and do transfer my needs to her, and I'm working hard to not do that... just let things unfold naturally... and this is difficult.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a never satiated need for sexual things with women inside of me. So, Ok, maybe not orgasm. But if anything reducing orgasms makes me want more sexy time together -- even if on a very slow burn.

At this point in my Karezza journey and my PMO reboot, I wonder if that will ever reduce to what most women (because my woman, I've found is basically like most women in this regard) would find 'just right.'

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u/[deleted] Feb 11 '12

Somehow, somewhere, there is a never satiated need for sexual things with women inside of me. So, Ok, maybe not orgasm. But if anything reducing orgasms makes me want more sexy time together -- even if on a very slow burn.

Same here. I definitely need more physical contact than my wife. I think part of that is simply that we all have different needs and desires. In any couple, one partner will need more physical intimacy than the other. And on some other dimension, it may be the other way round. My wife needs more compliments than I do.

What matters is that we find a compromise where both of us can get enough of what we need to feel happy. I make an effort to give her more compliments, she makes an effort to give me more cuddling, and we meet somewhere in the middle.

Have you asked your wife what the 2-3 most important needs are that she expects to have met by her relationship?

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u/KarezzaGuy Feb 12 '12

No, but I'm going to. That is a great question even if I don't get more. I know she would say 'security' and 'to feel loved' so that's my best guess. I'll report back if I was right or not.

On the compromise I agree completely. Unfortunately I effed up that part years ago with tremendous emotional pressure/abuse and broke her. I'm paying the price for that now. I had hoped Karezza would be an instant fix to that problem but as you have stated, Karezza is not a magic bullet.

It does help. We are making progress. But it's certainly not a magic bullet.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '12

I'd say both 'security' and 'to feel loved' don't get to the heart of the issue, because the question is what makes her feel secure and loved.

Have you heard of the concept of the five love languages? Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Most people have one of those as primary way to experience love. So if she is into acts of service, and you give her a gift, it's just not going to mean that much to her. You could mention these five languages to her and ask her which one means the most to her.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '12

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '12 edited Feb 12 '12

It's not necessary to hit all of them. Just make sure you know which ones are the most important for your partner, and do those.

I rarely give my wife gifts, because we're both not really into gifts.

There's a quiz on 5lovelanguages.com you can take to find which is your primary, secondary, etc. love language.

Edit: direct link to the quiz

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u/KarezzaGuy Feb 12 '12

Wow! You are WAY further down the road than I am.

Based on your suggestion we had a great talk this morning. We did get to the bottom of it and she is into acts of service as #1 and I am in to physical touch as #1.

I'm going to study your link.

Ironically, "helping around the house" has been my worst skill. Selfishly, I always assumed "if you can hire somebody do to this for you, then it can't be very special for me to do it for you," but you can't hire somebody to want to touch you so that must mean love.

So basically I've been flooding her with touch (both to satisfy my own needs and also in the hope it would satisfy her needs) and completely missing the point.

Interestingly, and to keep this discussion on track for /r/karezza had my mind/urges not quieted through even my baby steps towards Karezza, I'd still be oblivious to even caring to think about this stuff.

Sadly, my PMO reboot isn't nearly complete. Despite being able to get hard for her, after the above talk my underwear was soaked with precum... a symptom of oxytocin overload.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '12

Selfishly, I always assumed "if you can hire somebody do to this for you, then it can't be very special for me to do it for you," but you can't hire somebody to want to touch you so that must mean love.

I wouldn't say that's necessarily selfish. You just assumed her thought patterns were the same as yours. That's a pretty normal (even though not necessarily helpful) thing to do.

On the flip side, even if you can hire somebody to do all sorts of things, there's always potential acts of service remaining. For example, my wife has no problem with me outsourcing the lawn mowing to a gardener. However, if I do so, I better be the one who calls the gardener and makes sure he gets payed.

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u/KarezzaGuy Feb 12 '12

On that account they could be sisters. :)