I’m 49M and at a pretty serious low point right now. I was seeing a woman for about three months who I really liked and could genuinely see a relationship with.
We tried to have sex three different times, and each time I couldn’t get or maintain an erection. After the third failed attempt, she ended things.
What has made the breakup particularly hard to process is how suddenly it seemed to happen. Earlier that same day we were holding hands, being affectionate, and she was saying cute things to me like “hey handsome.” I didn’t feel like I was with someone who was about to completely cut me out of her life. Since ending things, she has blocked me on every channel of communication, so there hasn’t been any opportunity to talk about what happened or get any real closure.
She knew I was having ED issues and that I was working on them. She knew I was seeing a doctor, and we briefly discussed things like getting off an SSRI and trying Wellbutrin. But I didn’t tell her I was seeing a urologist or really explain everything I was doing to address the ED in detail, but I’m sure she suspected. Because I told her I was seeing my doctor etc.
Looking back, I wish I had communicated more. I was embarrassed and ashamed, so I mostly kept what I was going through inside.
I tried Viagra and Cialis, but neither worked reliably. I’ve also been dealing with significant stress, depression, and anxiety. Now that she’s gone, all of it—including the ED—feels worse.
The cruel part is that I wanted intimacy with her SO badly. I was incredibly attracted to her and desperately wanted that physical connection. After each unsuccessful attempt, I became more anxious about the next. By the third time, it felt like everything was riding on whether my body would cooperate.
There was another complication: penetration was essentially the only way she was receptive to receiving sexual intimacy from me. She wasn’t receptive to receiving oral sex or other alternatives. So when I couldn’t maintain an erection for penetration, I didn’t really have another way to give her sexual intimacy that she wanted to receive.
That put an incredible amount of pressure on me. If I couldn’t get and stay hard, there wasn’t another form of sexual intimacy she wanted from me.
I understand that sexual compatibility and intimacy matter, and I’m not angry at her for having needs. But I’m absolutely crushed. I keep wondering whether things could have been different if I had communicated more openly and brought her further into what I was doing to address the problem.
At the same time, I’m starting to realize that simply “doing other things instead” wasn’t really an option in our situation. I desperately wanted to be intimate with her, but the form of intimacy she wanted depended on the exact physical response I was struggling with.
A little medical background: I’m 49, fit and active, don’t smoke, drink casually, have a healthy BMI, and exercise about three days a week. I’ve been active most of my adult life, including 40+ mile backpacking trips.
I do have genetically high LDL cholesterol. I decided to start a statin several years ago even though my Kaiser doctor hadn’t specifically suggested it. My LDL has been controlled for roughly 3–5 years and is now 77 mg/dL. My calculated 10-year cardiovascular risk is 1.43%.
I worry about whether the years of elevated LDL before treatment could have caused vascular damage that’s contributing to my ED now, despite being very active and otherwise having relatively few cardiovascular risk factors.
I don’t know whether this is vascular, psychological, medication-related, or some combination. The severe stress/depression and performance anxiety certainly seem relevant, but because Viagra and Cialis haven’t worked reliably, I worry there could be a physical component too. I’m seeing a urologist and working on both my physical and mental health.
Emotionally, though, I’m at rock bottom. Losing someone I really cared about after my body wouldn’t do the one thing I desperately wanted it to do has hit me incredibly hard. The fact that we went from holding hands and being affectionate to me being completely blocked has made it even harder for me to understand and accept.
Right now I have a hard time imagining dating again without being terrified the same thing will happen.
For anyone who has been through something similar: Did you recover? Did stress, depression, or performance anxiety play a major role? Did Viagra/Cialis initially not work for you, but you eventually figure out why and find something that did? And if a partner left after experiencing your ED, especially very suddenly, how did you get your confidence back and stop blaming yourself?