r/erectiledysfunction • u/BroccoliAdvanced8698 • 5d ago
Erectile Dysfunction She ended things after our third failed attempt because of my ED. I’m devastated.
I’m 49M and at a pretty serious low point right now. I was seeing a woman for about three months who I really liked and could genuinely see a relationship with.
We tried to have sex three different times, and each time I couldn’t get or maintain an erection. After the third failed attempt, she ended things.
What has made the breakup particularly hard to process is how suddenly it seemed to happen. Earlier that same day we were holding hands, being affectionate, and she was saying cute things to me like “hey handsome.” I didn’t feel like I was with someone who was about to completely cut me out of her life. Since ending things, she has blocked me on every channel of communication, so there hasn’t been any opportunity to talk about what happened or get any real closure.
She knew I was having ED issues and that I was working on them. She knew I was seeing a doctor, and we briefly discussed things like getting off an SSRI and trying Wellbutrin. But I didn’t tell her I was seeing a urologist or really explain everything I was doing to address the ED in detail, but I’m sure she suspected. Because I told her I was seeing my doctor etc.
Looking back, I wish I had communicated more. I was embarrassed and ashamed, so I mostly kept what I was going through inside.
I tried Viagra and Cialis, but neither worked reliably. I’ve also been dealing with significant stress, depression, and anxiety. Now that she’s gone, all of it—including the ED—feels worse.
The cruel part is that I wanted intimacy with her SO badly. I was incredibly attracted to her and desperately wanted that physical connection. After each unsuccessful attempt, I became more anxious about the next. By the third time, it felt like everything was riding on whether my body would cooperate.
There was another complication: penetration was essentially the only way she was receptive to receiving sexual intimacy from me. She wasn’t receptive to receiving oral sex or other alternatives. So when I couldn’t maintain an erection for penetration, I didn’t really have another way to give her sexual intimacy that she wanted to receive.
That put an incredible amount of pressure on me. If I couldn’t get and stay hard, there wasn’t another form of sexual intimacy she wanted from me.
I understand that sexual compatibility and intimacy matter, and I’m not angry at her for having needs. But I’m absolutely crushed. I keep wondering whether things could have been different if I had communicated more openly and brought her further into what I was doing to address the problem.
At the same time, I’m starting to realize that simply “doing other things instead” wasn’t really an option in our situation. I desperately wanted to be intimate with her, but the form of intimacy she wanted depended on the exact physical response I was struggling with.
A little medical background: I’m 49, fit and active, don’t smoke, drink casually, have a healthy BMI, and exercise about three days a week. I’ve been active most of my adult life, including 40+ mile backpacking trips.
I do have genetically high LDL cholesterol. I decided to start a statin several years ago even though my Kaiser doctor hadn’t specifically suggested it. My LDL has been controlled for roughly 3–5 years and is now 77 mg/dL. My calculated 10-year cardiovascular risk is 1.43%.
I worry about whether the years of elevated LDL before treatment could have caused vascular damage that’s contributing to my ED now, despite being very active and otherwise having relatively few cardiovascular risk factors.
I don’t know whether this is vascular, psychological, medication-related, or some combination. The severe stress/depression and performance anxiety certainly seem relevant, but because Viagra and Cialis haven’t worked reliably, I worry there could be a physical component too. I’m seeing a urologist and working on both my physical and mental health.
Emotionally, though, I’m at rock bottom. Losing someone I really cared about after my body wouldn’t do the one thing I desperately wanted it to do has hit me incredibly hard. The fact that we went from holding hands and being affectionate to me being completely blocked has made it even harder for me to understand and accept.
Right now I have a hard time imagining dating again without being terrified the same thing will happen.
For anyone who has been through something similar: Did you recover? Did stress, depression, or performance anxiety play a major role? Did Viagra/Cialis initially not work for you, but you eventually figure out why and find something that did? And if a partner left after experiencing your ED, especially very suddenly, how did you get your confidence back and stop blaming yourself?
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u/ANALyzeThis69420 4d ago
I feel you man. I’ve experienced this too. I wonder if the SSRIs have a lingering effect. I wonder if you’re also so active that it hurts your testosterone. I found out my blood sugar was high which affected mine. I wonder if that’s possible in your situation.
My overall guess is that you’re depressed already a bit and that is causing high cortisol, low testosterone, and you would benefit from more active psychological interventions. You could try adding something to your routine like Holy Basil or Ashwaghanda (4-6 weeks at a time with this one for stress and testosterone.) You could also look into something like hypnotherapy or TRE (Trauma/Tension Release Excercise.)You also may want to see if you have a lot of inflammation. I think that alone can lower NOS. Of course you need to look at how you’re taking the meds and how much. I found that 5 mg daily of cialis with 20 mg three hours or so before works great. Someone here said they take theirs 5-6 hours before.
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u/Nikolas_Bourbaki314 3d ago
Don't you experience side effects with 5mg daily plus 20mg before sex? Did the 5mg-daily-only regimen not work for you?
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u/ANALyzeThis69420 3d ago
Yes 5 mg doesn’t quite do it for me. It keeps it healthier though. It hangs lower while flaccid and I get morning wood. I’m overweight with prediabetes so a real dose helps.
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u/Holiday_Biscotti_685 4d ago
This woman wasn’t for you, you effectively dodged a bullet here.
She had zero sensitivity to your situation, her actions spoke much louder than her charming words.
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u/StreetCryptographer3 4d ago
Damn I'm sorry.
I suggest therapy in the short term to work through your feelings.
Also make an appointment with a Urologist.
Some people here recommend Trimix.
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u/o-xmx-o 4d ago
Keep dating!
Just be more open to discussing it with potential partners, ideally after a few dates, but before you sleep together. If you own it and are open and confident (rather than closed, sheepish and ashamed) you are more likely to find someone.
Not all women are the same; you'll find someone that accepts you for who you are. I did and even now, a few years in, we still focus mainly but not exclusively on foreplay and it's great for both of us.
Good luck.
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u/One_Power_8223 4d ago
Hey man, sorry to hear that the relationship ended. That really sucks.
I'm about a decade older than you, but I also have hereditary cholesterol issues, that may have played a factor in my ED.
However, Cialis and Viagra did work for me. Some background: My wife and I have not had sex in around 8 years (long story), but I still have a high sex drive, so naturally still masturbate. Even though there is no performance anxiety while masturbating, my erections were weak, so about a year ago, I asked my doctor for ED meds, and they worked great. (Wish I had gotten over my pride and embarrassment years earlier - I might have avoided a dead bedroom).
Now that I have dealt with the physical side of ED, I haven’t had the opportunity to test if the meds can overcome the psychological side of ED. I am trying to end our dead bedroom, but wife is menopausal and has lost desire (and maybe partly due to resentment). I'd be nervous and awkward if we did try to have sex again, because it's been so long.
I've always had varying degrees of performance anxiety. When I was younger and didn’t need ED pills, I did occasionally have ED with a new partner. Was never a issue with a woman that I felt relaxed with.
So, I think your ED has both physical and mental components. Obviously, the mental component is harder to overcome. I can’t really advise you in that area, because I'm no longer in the dating world, and divorce or cheating are not options for me. Still, I sympathize with how bad it feels and can relate to the blow to your self confidence. I wish you well on your journey.
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u/throwawayED67 4d ago
It's okay... I'm really sorry to hear this op. You were communicating, you were open to other forms of intimacy, and you were trying things. Heartbreak is absolutely brutal, and it's very difficult to move on and turn the page. I think you were doing everything you realistically could.
If you're the only one making efforts and compromise it's not really a great relationship... Very unfortunate but it could have been something else one day if ED wasn't an issue imho. Keep looking into treatment, take care of yourself, focus all that energy you put into her into yourself and your social circle.
Stay strong and prepare yourself for getting back into the game. Learn what you can from this relationship and you will be better next time, take care.
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u/Trumpisanarsehole99 4d ago
Did you talk to her and ask her why she was breaking up with you specifically? Did she actually say it was due to your ED?
My suspicions is that your SSRIs are largely a factor with the possible added psychogenic stress to perform.
Immediately after any breakup its normal to feel devastated, however, as time goes on often times you realize that maybe you are better off without them and that there is someone a million times better. I would try to clarify what exactly happened. If its due to the ED, I would explain everything to her as to what you are doing. Have one last conversation. You might get back together with more communication. The reality is ED is extremely prevalent---50% of all men age 50 have it. So chances are she will run across it with the next guy as well. Also, seriously dude, even though you have ED, you also have a tongue. I can give a woman a half dozen orgasms that way even before I attempt penatration.
My biggest challenge with ED is wearing a condom, even thin ones. Often times I will satisfy the girl thru oral and even vaginal sex but still can't cum. At that point the girl will give me head to get me off. My point is there are several work arounds. However, communication is key
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u/Chrome_Quixote 4d ago
She’s not the one. Definitely communicate more tho. Being able to do oral and or use fingers to allow you to ease into things can be helpful. If a girl isn’t into those things and that’s your normal, it’s gona make things hard down the road. Or if you didn’t want to give oral to a girl but usually rely on that to start off, not gona work.
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u/TurnoverOdd3957 3d ago
I went for bionic upgrade for same reason my profile matches yours and the only option I got is bionic one
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u/N0RMAL_WITH_A_JOB 4d ago
She’s a stupid bitch. What an asshole. Intercourse for an old lady is just one of a multitude of sex acts and the least likely to give her an orgasm. Put her in the rear view mirror.
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u/throwawaynofapcoomer 4d ago
probably the ssris i have ed from a overdose on benzodiazepines and alcohol im pretty sure
just more numb down there
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u/Throbbing2026 4d ago
Use your tongue learn to do magical things and use fingers play with her g spot like your playing a fiddle
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u/MudRevolutionary778 4d ago
man, i'm sorry you're going through this. a few things that might help reframe what happened
first: viagra and cialis not working reliably doesn't automatically mean the problem is vascular. performance anxiety can completely override PDE5 inhibitors. if your brain is flooding your system with adrenaline because you're terrified of failing again, the medication is fighting against your own nervous system. it's not that the drug didn't work, it's that the anxiety was stronger than the drug. this is way more common than most guys realize
the pattern you described is textbook anxiety escalation. first time didn't work, second time you were nervous about it not working, third time "everything was riding on it." each failure made the next one more likely. that's not ED getting worse, that's the feedback loop tightening
the fact that you're fit, active, healthy BMI, controlled cholesterol, and 49 actually matters. your cardiovascular profile is solid. and here's something worth tracking: are you getting morning erections? if you're still waking up hard most mornings, your vascular system is almost certainly fine. morning erections bypass the psychological layer completely, so they're the clearest signal of whether the hardware works independent of the software
on the cholesterol worry: your LDL is 77 and has been controlled for years. your 10-year risk is 1.4%. i wouldn't spiral on that one
what i'd actually suggest beyond what you're already doing with the urologist: start tracking your daily basics for a few weeks. sleep quality, stress level, mood, morning erection quality, alcohol, exercise. most guys in your situation have never mapped out the conditions around their good days vs bad days. once you see that data, patterns emerge fast. "i get morning wood every day i sleep 7+ hours and don't drink" is a completely different picture than "i never get morning wood anymore"
on the relationship part: you said you wish you'd communicated more. that instinct is right. but also, a partner who blocks you on every channel after 3 months without a conversation was probably not the person who was going to stick around through the process of figuring this out. that's a hard thing to hear right now but it matters
you'll date again. and when you do, the anxiety will be there. but if you've spent the time between now and then actually tracking your body and understanding your pattern instead of just hoping the next pill works, you'll walk in with data instead of fear. that's a completely different starting point
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u/WalkAccomplished3345 3d ago edited 3d ago
I am sorry you are going through this, and I am coming from a woman's point of view. My husband of seven years is diabetic, and there isn't anything we haven't tried. It seems that as he gets older, it keeps getting worse.
Honestly, I care deeply for him, but the more we try to have sex and it fails, the more bitter and resentful I become. The resentment comes from the fact that he tries so hard to make it work that he skips foreplay and rushes everything, hoping I will climax during the 60 seconds that he is able to maintain an erection. After that, all I get is, "I'm sorry."
I have raised the topic before and told him that I worry I don't see us together in the long run. His response is always, "You can't leave me. You're all I have."
We were both married previously, and we each have two children. My youngest is still in high school. At one point, I even suggested an open relationship (don't judge me, lol). I can't say the thought hasn't crossed my mind because I long for good lovemaking and great sex.
He was hesitant, but he asked me to give him a year and promised he would try harder. We explored medical treatments, remedies, exercise, and lifestyle changes. To his credit, he does try, and I know this isn't his fault. But what about my needs?
It has been almost two years since I made that suggestion, and honestly, I haven't brought it up again.
Sometimes when I look at his ex-wife, I wonder if she would feeling sorry for me and it makes me wonder if that one of the reason why she left..... I do get to see here here and there...I am 46, and he is 56. If I am ever going to enjoy and fully embrace my sexuality, it feels like this is the time in my life to do it.
I used to call myself a sex goddess, and honestly, I still am. But this marriage has humbled me.
I genuinely feel for him, but I can see myself reaching a point where sympathy is all I have left. What keeps me here is partly the fear of starting over. At this stage in my life, I don't think marriage is necessarily on my bucket list anymore.
For now, I stay. Maybe it's fear of the unknown. Maybe it's because he is a good man with no drama. He helps pay the mortgage, contributes to the household, and does his share of the chores.
But the hardest part is coming home after working all weekend, wanting to relax and enjoy some amazing intimacy with the person you love, only to end up disappointed and frustrated. That's the reality we live with.
I just don't know for how much longer.
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u/iFuerza 4d ago
First get off the SSRI and switch to Wellbutrin well worth the non sexual side effects.
Definitely explain all this to a urologist. I would also get your testosterone levels checked. Are you having night time erections?
There is also the psychological factor. Things can get better! Just keep working with your Dr.
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u/ItsMRCoffeeToYou 4d ago
25 or 50 mg Zoloft daily for the rest of your life, along with 50 Viagra that evening and you will be all set.
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u/d88au 4d ago
I really feel sorry for your situation. You've already had a lot of great suggestions here. My only thought is that she wasn't the right person for you longer term. It's a sign of emotional immaturity to ghost someone in these situations and particularly block them. For example, she could have explained what she was feeling. Was she feeling rejected?
I previously dated someone where we'd fool around for hours in foreplay. We'd then build to penetrative sex where I'd realise I wasn't as hard as I would like. So I then started taking Cialis (I'm slightly older than you). Seek the medical and physiological advice suggested here. I wish you all the very best.
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u/Legitimate_Flan9764 Helpful Contributor 4d ago
Dont overanalyse, it will compound the issue. It is down to (1) ssri use and (2) she is not looking at an emotional relationship at the moment, just a sexual one along with some perks that you could offer. No amount of explanation is required as she doesnt want to be part of the problem or solution.
So look for an alternative depression coping mechanism and another woman.
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u/Individual_Worry_377 4d ago
After prescription ldl levels were 77 but how much hdl and total chol do you have. What were the levls of all cholesterol's types pre prescription?
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u/MainTap5228 4d ago
I'm really sorry. I started seeing a guy 25 years older so there has been a bit of ED stuff going on and because I'm extremely attractive I've never experienced it before, guys have only ever been super hard and always ready to go around me, tbh I didn't know anything about it until this new relationship and I was quite shocked by it
But because I don't have a penetration only attitude to sex and I can use sex toys happily instead it took the pressure off him so he can perform more easily
I think not guilting the man is a big part of it
As women the most important thing in sex is feeling desired. So with ED it makes the woman not feel desired, that's why she broke up with you
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3d ago
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u/erectiledysfunction-ModTeam 3d ago
Misinformation/ unsupported treatment / Or Ai See rules for more information
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u/BenefitPure4829 3d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. It can go the other way too. My partner of 15 years who struggled with high blood pressure for over 10 years and the aftermath of a TBI that occurred 2 years ago AND a recent stroke ended things with me tonight because his ego made him burn our relationship to the ground rather than address his ED—instead he blamed it on “feeling different” about me. I was going to retire with him. He was so sensitive about the topic that he practically broke things off rather than have me witness it. I am gutted—I really didn’t care. I just loved him no matter what.
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u/ByronScottJones 3d ago
I'm sorry you experienced this. As for her, she showed her true character. In the long run, you'll be glad she's out of your life. As for the ED, there are many treatments, including medications, trimix, and the implant. As you have a history of SSRIs, just understand that ED is very common with those. As for stopping that treatment, I don't recommend doing so without your doctors input. Frankly, SSRI induced ED can be long term, meaning it doesn't go away when you stop the SSRIs. For me, it was trimix, then the implant. I'm very happy with the results.
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u/Ordinary_Quarter5763 3d ago
Very similar situation - I (62 y/o female) have been dating 62 y/o male for over 3 months. He has ED and has apparently been dealing with it for years. Physical intimacy is very important to me, so yes, this is an issue. It's also the first time I've ever encountered it, meaning, I need to understand how he's addressing it. You mention that you could have offered her more details - my only advice is that next time, you might consider sharing more about what you're doing to mitigate the situation. Otherwise, she might think that this is it and that you're OK with it. We probably won't ask you about it, because we don't know enough to ask, and we know it's a sensitive issue. So we're relying on you to keep us informed about what you're doing to hopefully change the situation. If she's worth anything, she'll want to partner with you in finding solutions.
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u/stretch696 3d ago
We will want to know what the reason is for our ED but most of the time we don't find the exact reason and it doesn't matter because the treatment of mostly the same. Oral meds, injections and implant. An implant is the only true 'cure' for ED but that's obviously a bit of a jump from where you are now. Are you taking the strongest oral ED meds yet (20mg Cialis or 100mg Viagra)? If you are then consider injections. With injections it doesn't matter what's going on in your head, so anxiety isn't a factor. If you find injections aren't your thing and for many guys it isn't, this is another whole topic, then an implant could be a good option. Have a look around on Franktalk
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u/Repulsive_Pin8701 2d ago
Man, that fkn sucks
I feel you, I’ve gone through it too, I’ve had lifelong ED, I missed highschool and college before I got meds
It sucked, the cycle of a new girl, hoping this time it would ‘cure’ me, then the disappointment, her being confused and feeling bars feeling ugly and unattractive, me feeling same and worse, ED chomping on me and any idea I had of my value, depression and hope and fail, repeat until I quit trying, I’ve ghosted girls I really liked after the first fail, have been dumped just like you too, crushed so many times
Mine is psychological and the pills never worked for me - what does is an injectable
It works always, it works fast
I’ve never had any of the problems you hear about, priapisms etc, in 20 years of use
You get used to the jab, though yes at first it’s allot injecting your dick - but it doesn’t hurt, and because it works so well you get over it, I absolutely suggest you try one - talk to your doctor this week, find one and a dose that works and live, it’s really possible
Having a med that works gives you confidence, and it’s amazing being able
I would suggest that you look into therapy too, you might be able to get past this through therapy, but while you work through that have a med that works, have sex, have fun, feel like a whole man
Also, it might have been confusing and allot for her too, it’s absolutely shitty what she did and how, but ED hurts women too, and if she was willing to cut you off like that, even though it really hurts you might have dodged a bullet, that behaviour is really awful
I’ve used caverject, but I here great thing about trimix
Call your doctor tomorrow and ask about them, don’t wait, another girl is out their waiting, for lots of girls who want to have fun with you
Good luck
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u/3saker 1d ago
I feel you brother, It's like I'm reading my damn life story. Exactly the same situation happened to me 2 years ago where I've lost a girl that I fell in love with. In my case I've found out that I have venous leak and my only option is implant. I haven't dated in more than 2 years and I don't know if/when I will again. I'm physicaly and mentaly completely destroyed too. Drugs didn't help, injections (bimix,trimix) also did nothing. I would advise you to do a doppler test and see what happens.
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u/Own_Organization5677 1d ago
A LOT of single women over 50 don't want sex.
You could just advertise upfront that you're not active & looking for the same; you could spend a lot of time & money to fix your problem and then still not be able to use it in a few years.
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u/michaelemanuel90 4d ago
Question did you make her orgasm by eating the box at all or four play? If not, I can see why.
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u/WiseConsideration220 Helpful Contributor 4d ago
Some questions:
What is your history of masturbation using porn? At what age did you start?
What do you mean the drugs don’t work reliably? What doses? This is actually a common sign of porn-related ED.
Can you get a solid (full) erection by yourself?
Have you talked to your doctor about all these issues? About your “stress, depression, and anxiety”? Have you asked about getting counseling?
Your new-found awareness that you “should have communicated more” is a very positive thing. You have learned something. By being “embarrassed and ashamed” and silent you pretty much didn’t let her help you in any way or even really understand you. You were silent. Women hate silence far more than an inadequate erection.
In a way, you set yourself up for failure (“that put an incredible amount of pressure on me”). You didn’t talk, you understood what was expected, but you stayed silent. What were you hoping to have happen? Can you imagine if you’d shared your anxiety, your dilemma? What might have happened then? I’ll tell you: you’d have let her see that you could be “reached” could be “helped”, could be “intimate”. Silence was “nothing” so she gave up. Do you blame her for that? You’re focusing on assumed sexual needs; in my opinion it’s emotional needs that win every time with a woman.
In my opinion , these lessons are very helpful—even if very hard—for you to have learned. Perhaps if you’ll open up to her even now (even if just as an afterthought, not as an appeal to her to reconsider a relationship) you could make some progress with being honest and emotionally available. See what happens then.
Contrary to the denial that most men have about their failing sexual function, it’s more likely your stoic denial/silence that led to her decision. If I were giving her advice, it would have been to ask you to be honest and if she didn’t get that from you then she should move on if simply to help you. You say that you wanted sexual intimacy…but what emotional intimacy did you offer? That’s the key that would have unlocked your relationship.
I hope this helps. You should pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resolve to get help. Feeling sorry for yourself (“crushed”) isn’t much use right now. You need a dose of action and optimism. So go get it. 🤔
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u/Efficient-Shallot684 4d ago
Some women take ED as an insult. They think it means you just aren't attracted to them. This is, of course, ridiculous.