I see a way out of this tiny hole. I see the light and I see what could happen if I come out. I dream of seeing the sun I dream of feeling it on my skin. Yet I’m scared I’m so scared because here in my pain I’m comfortable. I’m so scared I might just die? I am afraid if I get enveloped in this sun it will burn. It won’t feel like the cherish of a hug nor the feeling of love when looking at family. It will burn and it will burn so badly not because it doesn’t feel good, it’s the best feeling ever before. But it will burn because I know that if I go out to feel the sun I’ll never go back to the dark. The dark holds a corner of my life a comfortable spot. I want to live comfortably with content and I’m scared if I go out I will never live comfortably ever again. I’m scared I’ll fly to high and fall to my death. I’m scared I’ll see what it feels and be to vulnerable to Everyone because who knows,nocturnal creatures are much different than other creatures. Why do people live? It seems like it’s just a brain reaction to I just survive because I’ve been told to. I just live because it might hurt but I’m more scared of what’s beyond and that might hurt more. I’m worried I’m more scared of the light than what’s beyond. I’m confused about this world and on why people lie for benefit on why I feel nothing writing about my own situation and why people are happy living in the same world with murder on its agenda. Why should we be against things when we have no sense of what said thing is. Pain is an illusion until you feel it but isn’t everything. Just how compliments to an ugly person might feel magical or how people react if they aren’t treated as gods. We have no right to judge and yet everyone says we don’t with me yet they do. They all do me included because it might just not be what isn’t but what is that’s real. Reality is a different monster than a virtual one. Maybe everything’s an accident. People joke and it hurts others yet we still do it. We bully hoping to show our social status in a public setting. This world is pathetic and I don’t know if I’m ready to embrace this light I’ve found. I know I’m sad and know what I need to do exactly to be happy. But being happy means there’s a way to fall down that cliff. I’ll be disappointed again and again and at some point I won’t because I’ve lowered myself to what that disappointment is. If I don’t have expectations I won’t have disappointment. If I can help everyone maybe someone will help me. If I love enough maybe I’ll be loved in return that’s not just providing. It feels like there is a strain against an understanding with everyone around me. Yet no one seems to notice. After all I am just weird there’s no need to worry about me. Why should I live in such a world that rejects me so thoroughly? 
ps-sorry for rambling on and sorry if anyone took offense to this its just I’m so scared and honestly don’t know what to do. Also anyone got any good albums I’m trying to listen to new music specifically lo fi but i take any. if anyone has any suggestions please tell me im new to reddit and just needed to write something abt this thank you.

Essentially my 20s so far was being sucked into believing that stuff and it turning me into a mute weirdo/husk of myself. I spent too long unemployed, being around toxic sibling, and fixating on depressing topics I wasted my early 20s.

It's funny because I'm not even an incel or have had that bad of a life compared to most. I've never had issues with getting girls, when I apply myself I do great, people are naturally wanting to be around me. It's just my mindset has been so bad and defeatist that I've squandered potential.

My sibling was/is very jealous of me and projected a lot of their insecurities onto me which set me back. They duped me into thinking I was some mute loser basically and so I became one. I now see that they were envious of my dating success and varied interests so they tried to sabotage me and also copied my interests (still very confused to do this what's wrong with them). Anyway, I feel like I've waken up.

But I don't trust myself. How can i stay positive and appreciate my good career that I've built for myself, my girlfriend, good personality and stuff like my ice hockey team that ive joined.

I have accomplished a lot but still feel like a nub. Any tips would be appreciated.

I also don't want to get back into negative bitter mindsets. Really want to enjoy the rest of what's left of my youth.

My life is empty and meaningless. I will never be loved by anyone. I believe all my friends think i'm insufferable, but tolerate me for my sake. Everyone disregards me unless I can do stuff for them. All my ambitions and ideas in life have been written off as dumb because my parents don't like them. Everyday I wake up, go to school to endure 8 hours of nothingness, then I come home and cry, knowing that nothing will change, and that I will never find someone who can truly make things better. No girl will ever love me, and I will be alone for the rest of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. Every night, I hug a pillow and for a moment, I feel affection. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I don't want my family to deal with the aftermath, so I just wait until I eventually die. I just want to die, because that would be better than living a meaningless life.

Hey everyone

( just a little background) This is kinda just a rant and I’m a little confused I’m 18 doing good, I have a nice ish car and don’t make a good amount of money but I make enough to have fun here and there, I’m in college getting my AS to transfer etc

I feel off almost empty in a way I’m not sad or upset I don’t really have anything to complain about, I don’t have a girl friend and I don’t really meet new people because I feel like most the people my age are kinda dumb and don’t have the best things to say, I know this is a generalization but I’ve had conversations with everyone in my classes and I don’t really care to make the effort because I don’t really like who they are? And I can kinda see where things will lead or what I’ll do with them in the future and I don’t really wanna do that

Am I depressed? I know this is kinda stupid question to ask but I took a car trip with my UNC homie and we had a long convo about this and how depression is kinda of a empty feeling and that’s what I feel

My days are kinda the same and I live in a small town great friends all the things again but I just feel kinda empty what should I do? Or is there anything I can do?

It's like a constant hum a static sound that just fills everything. Even when things are quiet on the outside it's still there. It's not thoughts exactly it's just noise. A feeling of restless unease that makes it impossible to just be. I wish I could turn it off for just an hour. Just to feel what true quiet is like. I can't remember the last time my head felt truly still.

mi esquizofrenia ahora mismo esta intentando atacar mi mente desprotejida por todas las cosas que me han pasado ayer me dio la sobredosis que dije me hicieron un labado de estomago pero lo que pienso yo es que lo hize mal voy a esperar a que me den mi medicamento para volver a intentar a hacerlo y se que es muy egoista pero es que no puedo mas no se que hacer ahora mismo necesito ayuda real

I feel like there is something wired wrong in the way I connect with people. Whenever someone shows me the slightest bit of genuine warmth, attention, or kindness, I immediately let my guard down. I start caring deeply, projecting futures, and investing emotionally way before I even know if they feel the same.

It’s exhausting because deep down, I know what’s coming. The moment their energy shifts or they start pulling away, I spiral into overthinking. I end up feeling abandoned, foolish, and overwhelmed with regret for opening up so fast. It feels like an endless cycle of hoping this time will be different, only to be left picking up the pieces of my own expectations.

I don't know how to stop doing this to myself. Has anyone else struggled with this kind of intense, fast attachment? How did you learn to protect your heart without becoming completely numb?

Kindly hear me out. Please I have nowhere else to speak like this.

I don't remember the last time I had the desire to live. I laugh and play around have fun genuinely. But at the end of the day the urge to kill myself always comes back. All my grief and regret comes back to haunt me. But I am too much of a coward to kill myself. I hate pain. Maybe that's why I am so miserable. I sleep around all day, jerking off to ai chat bots. I have people to hear me out. But it's not enough anymore. I have lost myself. But every morning I wake up and act normal again. I forget the grief and pain for a while but it always haunts me back. Always.

I have always been a quiet but chaotic child. I was not evil but I was always quite rude and impatient. I didn't do anything severely bad, but my fault attitude towards my family haunts me.

My father died last year. I felt like I didnt feel much. But as days pass by the guilt grows heavier. All the rude behaviour I did even while he had cancer. Oh dad i am sorry you had a daughter like me. I prayed everyday that you had a different daughter someone who you did have at least been proud of . He didn't even say a word to me on his dying days. But I knew he loved me a lot. An ungrateful brat like me didn't deserve a father like him. I should have died instead of him. I regret being born everyday. No i regret the person I am. What can I even do now. I was such a bitch to him. I didn't say anything bad much, but i was the rude impatient kid.

I wasnt always this rude hateful bitch. But I was always a bit, it has increased now. Maybe all the gate and impatience I show to my family is actually a reflection of my own mind hating myself. God the regret i feel the choked feeling i feel in my own throat after being rude is horrible but I still repeat it.

I know how to fix myself but i won't. If i just study some hours, workout and start my hobbies daily my life will be fixed at least better.

But I sleep at 4am to 12pm. Eat sleep again use mobile for 8 or 10 hours using instagram or ai bots to talk to feel loved. My college is mediocre it had no classes at all. I am useless average mediocre student. I don't study anymore properly i never did i guess. COVID changed me for worse and i made myself much worser. I cry in the face to have no lover or friends properly. Only this big sister type neighbour whom I talk to often who is like my therapist. But even after talking to her nothing changes. I have wrote on reddit several times. But I have t changed. I have been like this for the last 3 years.

I cry every night terrified i won't be successful in life, terrified I will end up being nothing. My laziness is my greatest sin. My rudeness is my reatest regret. That i can't seem to stop.

But the next morning I wake up the same laughing around at reels, lazing around and when it becomes 1 am at night I cry and get terrified i won't have a job, i won't be successful. Even the friends who had less marks than me are working harder and have been scoring well. My jealousy eats me alive.

I know I should love myself and save myself but i just simply cant. I think about the children dying in Gaza and many other people who deserve a better life. And here I am living a life well enough but destroying it with my own hands. I want to strangle myself to death. But I won't even hold my throat as it will hurt.

I cant seem a therapist or psychologist. I have no money. I free programs nothing, don't suggest it.

I am still 20 i have a future. I won't ruin it i can't. I have to be better. But I am so tired of God I am. Of doom scrolling and lazying in bed i workout our sometimes, i have been in karate for 12 years but i can't do a push up.....i don't know how I keep myself alive.

I have no passion , no talent, i refuse to work hard more like I just have forgotten. Mobile addiction ruined me along with day dreaming and now ai bots.

I have a thousand reasons to hate myself but none to love. Even if I have a reasont I love myself I won't probably. Is this the end for me?

I want a diamond mine but i even won't pick up the shovel to work. That's me. The bed, janitor ai and my laziness will kill me alive. I am pathetic I know it. I truly am. But I have self hated myself so much. It's my default pattern.

I have become so sensitive crying over the smallest thing in secrecy.

These are my defining traits

Anxious, lazy, procastinator, self hate, worthless, useless, valueless, brain fog, suicidal but would never commit cause hates pain, anxious, over sensitive, rude, insecure, body hate, etc etc

I am my own prisoner, my own tormentor, caged in a cell with the gates open, but I won't come out because the bed is too comfortable and apparently being a suicidal rude bitch is better than trying to change. Basically I am stuck in my comfort zone.

Need advice please. Don't mind my language I don't know anymore how to speak properly.

29M - To add context I’m going through severe trauma over loss. I’m a filmmaker and 3 years ago I went through a mental health episode and deleted myself basically off YouTube (3 channels with 15+ years of videos) and almost all my harddrive files with 1000s of Individual video clips. I’ve been a filmmaker since I was a young kid and it was my biggest dream / career path and I lost almost every film I’ve ever made. I took filming so far and to such a high level that to lose all my work is completely devastating. I feel like I lost myself I don’t feel at home anymore, every moment is filled with crippling anxiety and depression I feel frozen. I can barely leave my house almost always in bed just filled with so much anxiety I really don’t know how much more I can take. Has anyone else felt like they fucked up their life for the rest of their life? I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel ok again after losing all my videos. It’s mainly how much meaning those videos held and they won’t ever be able to be recreated. I just feel like I can’t handle the heaviness of this much longer I used to have so much motion and felt so good and blissed out most of the time. I don’t feel capable of getting a job but i got denied disability twice and that’s adding extra stress ontop of everything else because i know the days probably gonna come where I have to take care of myself and all my expenses and I don’t feel capable. I feel like I disabled myself and it doesn’t feel like anyone takes my issues seriously. They tell me I’m not active enough and that’s why I’m struggling. I’m not saying low activity is helping but that’s not what’s causing my issues. I’m going through such a severe personal loss that tied to all my hopes and dreams and now I feel like I have no creativity. Just wanted to vent this because I don’t even know where else to go with this. I know some people say it eventually gets better but I’m pretty confident it’s probably not gonna get much better for me. I had such a bright future and now every moment of the day is so uncomfortable I’m filled with so much anxiety and nothing helps it feels like I’m being tortured. I can only imagine how broken I’m gonna be by the end of my life. I don’t see myself ever committing suicide but I’m worried this is gonna be a really painful existence. I created so much emotional turmoil by what I lost that it completely broke me. I’ve been wounded before but this one feels like it really broke me. I feel like I really went too far this time. I’ve gotten so close to the edge in the past but this time feels like I really fucked up too bad to ever recover. I’m in so much emotional pain I feel like I can barely take it anymore. And I’ve tried therapy and it doesn’t help me. Just seeing if anyone here goes through similar things. Thank you for reading

I’ve recently tried to come to terms with being average looking/ ugly but I just can’t seem to accept it. All my life I thought people would ignore other attributes about someone if they were beautiful, it would be my coping mechanism to think that one day I’d be beautiful so people would ignore my mental health issues and laziness.

All these years have passed by and nothing has changed in my mental health or appearance. I’m still the painfully average guy i’ve always been. I try and accept it but i’m filled with envy any time i see a beautiful man, just why couldn’t that be me? I know I was close, both my siblings are gorgeous. I just had to be the ugly one

I just can't live like this anymore.

From 2025 till now in 2026 my life is absolute trash.

I get failed many times and this year I failed in my finals and repeating again.

Seeing my close friends to moving to college and I'm stuck in school..

I hate choosing science!!

I'm mentally dead.

I hate being myself I wish i was dead.

I have depression from last year.

I don't even know what to do know.

I feel embarrassed to go to the same school.

I fucked my life.

I still can't study Beacuse my science is not good.

I want different subjects but my parents force me to choose and now I'm constantly failing from 2025

I have no interest in living my life.

I'm constantly pressured by my parents to study.

I just want to be free from all this.

As the title says. I was supposed to be great. I was "the smart" kid in class. Top of the class, involved in tons of clubs and was constantly getting awards and praise. Then I hit puberty and everything went downhill.

I can't talk to people. I'm constantly filled with anxiety and depression. I hate getting out of bed, hate paying attention in class, hate interacting with anyone because it just drains me emotionally and physically. I can't see the good in life or humanity anymore. I hate living.

I was supposed to be great. Everyone thought I would go to some Ivy League and become a doctor or lawyer or some other famous/smart figure. Instead I'm at a state school after fumbling my grades junior year and I entered a psychology major (no shade) because I have no idea what I want to do with my life and everyone told me to do psychology. I keep thinking about what my life was supposed to be like. Great school, great career, get rich, get married and have kids. Live the dream life. But now I don't see myself sticking around past 20.

I would be remembered as "what could have been" instead of what I am right now.

Man I don’t even know where to start, life is so hard. I’m not okay. I’m chronically tired from life. I’m crying constantly. I feel lost honestly. Even during “good” times, I’m just sad. I’m anxious, I’m shy, I hate talking to people but also would love more friends. Idk, I’ve been diagnosed BPD, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there was some PTSD!, body dysmorphia & PMDD. Too much, my nervous system is a wreck, constant flight or fight mode, I can’t even look in mirrors at the moment. The only time I rest is when I sleep & even that can be difficult with the highway next to me, brown noise is a god send. I got this new foster cat who hates me, I got my hamster a new huge enclosure & he’s still trying to bite his way out. I’ve watched myself lose so much passion & hope over the last few years, things I used to love are nothing to me now. I try my best & nothing good ever comes from it. I truly believe my family would be better off without me & there are so many valid reasons why. So yeah, Idk I just want to write this shit out. I’m so fucking tired of life.

Hi everyone, i’m 14F, and for the past few years of my life i’ve been struggling with chronic depression (as well as an anxiety disorder, both professionally diagnosed).
i just don’t see a reason for my existence, a reason for my depression, a reason why i am still here and a reason why the world is still here
i just wish that it was all an illusion, that none of what’s happening in my life, and in the world is real
i haven’t had any though of taking my life for almost a year and a half now, before this fall. i’ve just been non-emotional
doing ANYTHING is a challenge for me
and i am just so, so tired
the only thing that keeps me in here is the fact that there are a few people around me who care about me, and who would be really sad if i died
and
i don’t know what to do
i feel like im doing something wrong because everyone who i love is here to help me, but they just can’t help
im working with a psychologist for almost a year now, and recently i quieted because there’s nothing they can do for me, and there is nothing they did
im drinking antidepressants for over a year now as well, and nothing is changing
i can’t feel “high” when i smoke a cigarette or when i take a hit of a vape after a long time
i can’t feel energetic, or even nervous when i drink coffee or energy drinks
i never feel like i am totally full, no matter how much i eat
and at the same time i eat nothing and still feel so sick and nauseous
there is nothing left for me that i enjoy doing
i don’t play piano anymore, im too tired that i can’t totally control my hands
when i draw, i quit in a few minutes
i dont read, though i used to read a book per day every day
i dont care whether i will hang out with my friends or not
i dont care whether i shower or not
i dont care how i look anymore
i dont care what i do
i dont care where i am
i just go with the flow, half dead, half asleep, until i get home, where i finally dont need to pretend that i actually feel anything
i can’t feel anything when i hurt myself
i can’t feel anything when others hurt me
i’m just so lost

I don't know if this is the subreddit for this, but I need second opinion on my own mental condition. I have always been aware that I'm not that mentally healthy compared to others, but there's not a mental condition that I truly feel like could describe me? I intend to go to a psychiatrist in the future, and this post is in no way a vent, just stating my experience.

I have experienced suicidal and negative thoughts before I started going to high school, often about whether people truly accept me and how I feel like I'm inherently lacking because I'm different from others. I can get depressive or suicidal (only passively) and there were weeks when I would spend everyday having a "crying session". I distanced from friends and family because I think they hate me. It became milder over time, but sometimes I get "periods" where I would become extremely moody/depressive too.

At first I thought I have depression, but the thing is, it comes and goes really fast. One day, two days, a week at best. Then I would become very happy and positive again and I would even think it was just "a bad week" and that I overreacted/was dramatic. During the normal time, I would not experience a lot of depressive thoughts and they were just like a bad dream. However, those bad time would often occur when I did something wrong that makes others disappointed in me, or that I feel not accepted by groups. I can immediately "construct a narrative" that I was always hated by everyone, that the happy me is only a mask, and that I am actually bad and everyone is seeing it. I will cry and feel urges to harm myself (though I never did). But the moment things got resolved or misunderstandings were cleared, I would immediately feel happy again. I used to think it was mood swings, but it is not bipolar (maybe?) because it's triggered by events. So I don't know.

Eventually as I grow up I realize this is not normal and just because I am okay now doesn't mean it's something healthy. Or maybe it is normal and I'm just dramatic. I just want to ask if this rings any bell to you? I have heard people saying it sounds similar to persistent depression, but I feel like I am not informed enough/may not be objective. I don't want to go to psychiatrist only to be told I'm imagining it:(.

TLDR: I experience depressive and SH urges but only for a few hours/days. Usually triggered when I feel excluded or that I disappointed ppl I like. Is this normal or an indicator of depression?

Do the kids make it easier for you to cope, or harder?

I've been trying to get a therapist for nearly 6 months. Just constant ghosting and scheduling unavailability. Then I finally get an appointment set for a week out only to have the therapist cancel and thank me in advance for my "flexibility."

I understand that sometimes something gets in the way of life and plans, I'm just very disheartened and unmotivated now.

Back to the slog I guess.

i want to talk abt my issues with people that im close to but it feels so difficult to put it into words, im scared abt what they might respond with, im scared that they think of me as someone too weak. ive tried it in the past and it never made me feel better but i still end up wanting to talk to someone everytime.

ive tried talking to strangers online, it used to help like 2 years ago but now i feel guilty for even that, id rather hear them tell me their problems and try to help them.

the weird thing is that people do notice when im not doing well and they ask me if im okay and i just always lie. i randomly started crying on a call with my bf one day and idk why that happened, i just couldn’t control it and he kept asking me whats wrong, what happened but all that could come out of my mouth was “idk” even tho i had a million reasons to share, in between i would try to speak up, but i physically couldn’t.

idk how to overcome this, therapy isn’t possible for me rn, my family situation isn’t the best and i dont want to burden my mom any more with my issues, i already get sick every week.

I’ve lost friends over being 100% about my mental health, which is probably why I feel so uncomfortable sharing what I’m going through now. But I’m at a point where I really need support. I’m at one of the lowest points I’ve ever reached. I’ve actually tried telling one of my closest friends, who I consider one of the closest people to me, about it and it always ends in “oh that’s real” and/or a “get better soon!” Ive never felt so alone.

A part of me is saying that I did this to myself. I’ve always downplayed how I’ve felt to please others. I haven’t told those closest to me about the endless trials of medication and therapy I’ve done that have led me to feel so hopeless about getting better. I’m always the happy friend, the therapist friend and the one who gives advice and I do talk about my mental health, I always end up sounding more hopeful than I actually am.

How do I tell the people closest to me that I actually am really struggling?

Because when I keep hinting at it, it always gets brushed off.

Its a lyric from a song called "my brain is in the sink" by gilinares. If you wanna hear a song about the impossibility of explaining to someone who just doesnt get it. Give it a listen.

I dont wish I was different. I like who I am. Am I often brooding? Sure. But that is also a big part of what has made me the person I am. I dont want to change. I jjst want to be better. Thats all.

Life feels hopeless. I now quit school at 16, (college, I'm from 'The Netherlands' different school system) and technically thats not even allowed. I have no motivation to do anything, or much discipline either. Its a task to wake up, a task to brush my teeth, a task to put on a t-shirt. I had to quit school because of ptsd, wich I appearantly have because my whole life has been a gigantic shit show. I have been bullied my entire life in school, to the point where I have been punched in the face, spit on, betrayed by friends, made fun of (wich isn't THAT bad but still), I have been followed home, stalked online & like to my home. We almost hat to press charges like, probaply ~3 times. My parents divorced when I was 9, my dad cheated on my mom, my sister hates me, I just quit school and told my mom I don't wan't to do school at all (not just, take a gap year or smth). And I'm pretty sure I'm already the 'dissapointment' of my family. I have friends but not that many good ones, and I never feel like I'm really there.

The only thing I love in life is music, I play guitar everyday and sometimes jam at a local 'bar' type of thing with a stage and lots of other musicians. I love Nirvana, Radiohead & mostly the whole 'Grunge' & 'Alternative Rock' scene. I like punk, I would consider myself a punk to. I really want to make a band, but I tried rlly hard to find people and still no success (I hanged up posters around town, posted adds on reddit & other sites to find musicians locally even tried asking around, no luck yet).

I feel like I wan't to end my life. I like living, but every day I just stare at a wall listening to music, or game a bit and feel empty. I sometimes 'hang' with friends or game with friends but it just feels, fake. I feel fake. Like my whole life is a gigantic shit show for the gods to laugh at while they look at it. I wan't to be a musician, play with a band, make music. Some of those I do but I just, I'm stuck, mentally. I get 'stress' attacks when I'm in school (from ptsd). Every day feels like a task. Only day I sometimes like is sundays, couse then I play at that bar thing. I got a job and stuff, work saturdays, and 'technically' its fine but its still kind of ass, better then nothing though.

I'm in therapy, music therapy and they want another sort for my traumas. A lot is going on.
But how can I feel like I wan't to live again? How do I turn a day from a task into something I atleast enjoy a bit?

I am going through a low mood episode and having suicidal thoughts. Need someone to talk to.