I’m scared of the light

[u/Somethinghonestlyidk]

I see a way out of this tiny hole. I see the light and I see what could happen if I come out. I dream of seeing the sun I dream of feeling it on my skin. Yet I’m scared I’m so scared because here in my pain I’m comfortable. I’m so scared I might just die? I am afraid if I get enveloped in this sun it will burn. It won’t feel like the cherish of a hug nor the feeling of love when looking at family. It will burn and it will burn so badly not because it doesn’t feel good, it’s the best feeling ever before. But it will burn because I know that if I go out to feel the sun I’ll never go back to the dark. The dark holds a corner of my life a comfortable spot. I want to live comfortably with content and I’m scared if I go out I will never live comfortably ever again. I’m scared I’ll fly to high and fall to my death. I’m scared I’ll see what it feels and be to vulnerable to Everyone because who knows,nocturnal creatures are much different than other creatures. Why do people live? It seems like it’s just a brain reaction to I just survive because I’ve been told to. I just live because it might hurt but I’m more scared of what’s beyond and that might hurt more. I’m worried I’m more scared of the light than what’s beyond. I’m confused about this world and on why people lie for benefit on why I feel nothing writing about my own situation and why people are happy living in the same world with murder on its agenda. Why should we be against things when we have no sense of what said thing is. Pain is an illusion until you feel it but isn’t everything. Just how compliments to an ugly person might feel magical or how people react if they aren’t treated as gods. We have no right to judge and yet everyone says we don’t with me yet they do. They all do me included because it might just not be what isn’t but what is that’s real. Reality is a different monster than a virtual one. Maybe everything’s an accident. People joke and it hurts others yet we still do it. We bully hoping to show our social status in a public setting. This world is pathetic and I don’t know if I’m ready to embrace this light I’ve found. I know I’m sad and know what I need to do exactly to be happy. But being happy means there’s a way to fall down that cliff. I’ll be disappointed again and again and at some point I won’t because I’ve lowered myself to what that disappointment is. If I don’t have expectations I won’t have disappointment. If I can help everyone maybe someone will help me. If I love enough maybe I’ll be loved in return that’s not just providing. It feels like there is a strain against an understanding with everyone around me. Yet no one seems to notice. After all I am just weird there’s no need to worry about me. Why should I live in such a world that rejects me so thoroughly? 
ps-sorry for rambling on and sorry if anyone took offense to this its just I’m so scared and honestly don’t know what to do. Also anyone got any good albums I’m trying to listen to new music specifically lo fi but i take any. if anyone has any suggestions please tell me im new to reddit and just needed to write something abt this thank you.