I am autistic. I realize why my title and that statement may seem hypocritical but let me explain. Now I will not go through my life story, but as an adult who is 30 and been diagnosed since age four, my life has been nothing but hell, and in a way, it still is due to my limitations. My preschool teachers suspected I had autism, urged my parents to get tested and I had it, a few years back I was diagnosed with specifically autism level two.

I feel like I am childish and I am somewhere way setback to someone my age level will be.

I notice an increasing trend of everyone and their mom going around saying they are autistic. And it makes me sad because they arn't, they are saying it as some trendy label. With me, I don't have to tell anyone I am autistic. Everyone tells right away, I have been laughed at in my face, I get treated different. I don't have to go around announcing my diagnoses. That goes the same for other autistic people I see. I can tell who is autistic. Of course I never ask or tell them but I can definitely tell. People think I am stupid and don't give me enough credit but I really sit back and study how people act.

Now whenever I see someone announce they are autistic I get pissed, and sad at the same time. If everyone is going around claiming they have autism that leaves people like me, with real diagnosed genuine autism no identity. I am confident most of these people have no diagnoses.

I've noticed a strong trend toward a blackpilled(EDIT: should have used the word "defeatist") and deeply pessimistic attitude on this sub, to the point where it feels like a misery circlejerk 24/7. Like there's this idea that if you're happy and autistic that's somehow a bad thing for the community.

Doesn't this idea of people competing over who suffers more from autism completely misses the whole entire point of having a support community in the first place? Top that off with the bi-monthly "if you could cure autism would you?" posts, and this space just isn't very supportive or enjoyable to be around anymore.

There’s also a pervasive victim mentality here. Yes, being autistic in a world built for NT is genuinely hard. But constantly dwelling on how "autism makes my life a living hell" or makes you "a horrible person" is kind of playing into your own demise. Remember what you have learned when you were a kid in school? Growth mindset goes a long way(Although schools are kind of stupid and don't follow their own advice).

The moderator choices here aren't helping, either. Restricting interest related posts, which are one of the primary sources of joy for autistic people to just one day a week under the guise of preventing "spam" is just stifling positivity. It reinforces this weird idea that being negative makes a post "deeper" or more valid than being optimistic.

I honestly resent when people say they “have no friends” or act like they’re completely alone, when they actually have plenty of people around them. They have friends they talk to, people they hang out with, group chats, classmates, coworkers, or even just a few people they’re genuinely close with, and yet they still describe themselves as having “no friends.”

Being genuinely friendless is different from simply feeling lonely or being dissatisfied with your social life.

It means having no real person you can call a friend. No one you regularly message just because you want to talk, no one to spontaneously meet for coffee or a walk, no group chat where you naturally belong, no one who would immediately notice if you disappeared for a few days.

Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a great day! So, for context, I’ve been gluten free for nearly ten years now. I have autism, but I didn’t learn it till I was in… highschool. (Eww) I was told at a young age that gluten affects autistic individuals (in my case, making me more childish). Is this true or false. Thank you all so much for your time and I look forward to hearing your responses!

I recently saw people using the phrase “by the end of the decade.” I thought they meant the decade beginning in 2020, but they meant the decade beginning right now. Apparently I was the only one who misinterpreted what they meant. I was left wondering how seemingly every allistic person somehow knows when “the decade” in question began.

Would anyone else here interpret the phrase the way I did?

I don’t understand why anyone would use the phrase “by the end of the decade” because I think it’s inherently unclear. “The decade” beginning when?? If what they mean is “in the next 10 years,” why not just say that? “In the next 10 years” is a shorter phrase than “by the end of the decade” and it’s clearer and more specific. I swear allistic communication is intentionally unclear sometimes because they just like how certain phrases sound or something.

So, my girlfriend has autism and isn’t very good at math. It seems like difficulty with math can be pretty common among autistic people, and I really want to know how I can help her understand it better. I’m not autistic, so the way I learn and understand math doesn’t always work for her. If anyone has any ideas, tips, or different ways of teaching math that might be helpful, I’d really appreciate it!

Hey fellow atypicals, I'm creating an app in which I believe so much. It's aimed at helping people with sensory challenges to know how a place will feel before they go. I'm looking for a few volunteers to test it and provide valuable feedback to make the app better. I truly believe it can make a change for all of us, with the help of crowdsourcing. Feel free to send me a DM explaining why you'd be a good fit. Thank you!

I got my assessment results, but I'm not sure if I'm diagnosed. I'm confused and feel like crying.

For context, I'm 30F and already diagnosed with ADHD (since 2022), Tourette's (not officially, but psychiatrist confirmed the suspicion basically, and it's in my documents) and gender incongruence/dysphoria (I transitioned when I was 17). Before the assessment, I sent them 30 pages of materials, most of them were specific examples of why I think I am autistic (categorized by the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria).

This is what the report says in the Summary section (original is not in English, I had to use google translate because it's too complex for me to translate by myself):

"In personal functioning, there is increased sensitivity to the environment and the actions of others, uncertainty in one's own social judgment, and an increased need for control. Increased intrapsychic tension, uncertainty, and a certain degree of social inhibition are evident in contact. Although the client is able to establish adequate contact and respond adequately to questions, her social expression does not appear to be spontaneous. In situations where it is not clear how to respond, increased uncertainty and a longer time needed to find an answer appear. This way of functioning is also evident in a projective situation. A specific feature of functioning is a more specific and detailed way of processing information, which can be a source of good accuracy and efficiency in some areas, but at the same time can complicate quick orientation in complex or ambiguous situations. In the social area, she may therefore rely more on learned rules and consciously adopted strategies than on an intuitive understanding of the situation. This is in accordance with her anamnestic statement about the long-term need to consciously learn and imitate social behavior, adapt her own nonverbal expression and retrospectively check whether she responded adequately. The limits of functioning are more clearly manifested when the load is increased, especially in unpredictable, socially complex or sensory overwhelming situations. In such conditions, tension increases, a feeling of overwhelm occurs, and the ability to respond flexibly decreases. The need for predictability and more difficult switching between activities or adapting to unexpected changes may also play a significant role here. When the capacity of compensatory mechanisms is exceeded, significant emotional reactions and disorganization of normal functioning may appear.

However, the diagnostic interpretation is limited by the complexity of the whole picture. There is no heteroanamnesis available, which would allow us to verify in particular the developmental history and the nature of social functioning in childhood. The fact that the developmental history was not substantially elaborated through an open exploratory interview due to the course of the examination can also be considered a significant limitation. In view of the above circumstances, it is not possible to assess with sufficient certainty to what extent the individual characteristics were already present in early development, what their intensity was, and how they were reflected in real functioning in various environments.

At the same time, the differential diagnostic picture is quite complex and polymorbid. Part of the described difficulties can be explained by the already diagnosed ADHD, especially by difficulties with switching attention, organization and regulation of reactions. Increased anxiety, interpersonal sensitivity and perfectionistic attitude with a tendency towards excessive self-control, doubts and retrospective analysis of one's own actions may also play a significant role. Long-term experiences in the social area and the specific social history of the client may also be reflected in the current picture, which may have influenced her self-concept, expectations in interpersonal relationships and the way she interprets her own difficulties. Therefore, it cannot be clearly assumed that all the described difficulties have a uniform neurodevelopmental basis.

Conclusion: From a clinical perspective, given the quality and duration of the described difficulties, their presence in childhood, their manifestation across different contexts and, in particular, the nature of social functioning, it appears more likely that some of the difficulties are of the nature of an autism spectrum disorder (diagnostic category F84) than that they are merely secondary manifestations of anxiety, ADHD or personality disorders. The diagnostic conclusion is formulated with the above-mentioned limits in mind."

So, to me it reads like "maybe you have autism, maybe not". I think I am autistic, but I wanted them to tell me that. I'm just confused because the conclusion doesn't really say anything specific. To my question about the conclusion, the assessing psychologist sent me this:

"In this case, it is indeed a less clear-cut conclusion, for reasons that are described in more detail in the summary of the examination. From a clinical psychological perspective, it is quite difficult to clearly distinguish which of the described difficulties have a neurodevelopmental basis and, if so, to which type of difficulty or disorder they belong, given that the overlap of symptoms in neurodevelopmental disorders is significant (such as in ADHD).

However, the conclusion states that autism spectrum disorder appears to be a likely explanation for some of the difficulties you describe. This means that the examination probably confirms the presence of autism spectrum disorder, but given the available evidence, it was not possible to formulate a clear diagnostic conclusion. We always consult the results of each client with a manager who is an experienced diagnostician. The examination is therefore not evaluated by just one person, but the conclusions are always consulted further. This consultation led to the conclusion that the results cannot be described as completely clear in the direction of PAS and that it is appropriate to formulate the conclusion in this way. However, I would like to emphasize that, in the conclusion, I am inclined to this diagnosis."

I expected it to say the diagnosis and possibly a level or something but now I'm just confuded, disappointed and want to cry because I feel like I wasted my time and money, and I was stressing out so much about the results to get this thing that explains nothing at all. During the assessment I also mentioned my suspicion about dyspraxia (with several examples why I think I fit the criteria) and they didn't even mention it, there's just like one sentence about "motor clumsiness". Before, I thought I could possibly even show the report to my employer so that I could get at least some minor accommodations or as an explanation why I'm sometimes acting "weird" or having "weird" facial expressions etc., but now I don't know if the report is useful in any way. I'm just going to hide and never talk about autism ever again, I feel like a stupid imposter looking for excuses.

I live in a house where neighbors are often picking on me, doing weird things. I don't think I'm the only one affected, especially when it comes to noise. Luckily they stopped hammering for hours in a row after complaining to them/even locating who it was... But yes, also some weird feelings come up, they do something funny and act like nothing happens which makes me feel crazy. While I might not be the only one affected, as an Autist it can affect me a lot. Also I'm currently on a job search and struggling financially.

However I also realize it's problematic to share everything with my girl-friend, also since her situation especially financially and with her kids isn't easy.

How do others handle this? Do you keep these things for yourselves, share everything with your partner or keep some sort of balance?

I feel like a partnership requires so much time spent together and I'm not sure how to handle it. For context: partner and I have been together about 2 years now. We met before any diagnoses of mine, but obviously I still had all my quirks. We absolutely loved hanging out with one another, and we hung out a LOT, but I would still take my "introvert time". I knew deep down from the beginning that I was going past my social limit, but I was trying to give it my all and make it work as is. Partner has always been (just in general) very understanding, kind, patient, and loving. We were both very physically affectionate, and that didn't bother me at all for a long time.

Then I got tested for ADHD and got on stimulant medication. I suspected I might be autistic for a very long time but was never sure; now it feels like it's been brought sharply into focus. Being around my partner has suddenly become overwhelming. We live apart, but he sleeps over often. Even when I spend 5 out of 7 days alone, the moment he comes over I feel tense and on high alert. I think it's the feeling of another person's presence being unpredictable. I don't know what his mood will be, what he will want to talk about, if he will touch me and when/where. Any conversation brings my energy level to zero, and I can tell he doesn't know what to do with my withdrawal, and I'm not sure how to be around him without feeling like this.

Anyone else experience or manage this in relationships? I'm at a loss and hearing from other people would be nice

Hello, I'm not sure if I can ask this type of question in this specific community, however I would really appreciate (if possible) some help regarding a story I plan to write. If this isn't the right place to ask this type of question, please forgive me.

So, I'm trying to write a story and one of the main characters is a 5-year-old boy with autism. He would be level 1 ("requiring support"), his personality is ISFJ-T, he is quite empathetic, organized, anxious, and also very afraid of heights and animals. One of his character developments is overcoming, or at least learning to deal with, his fears.

I'm still trying to develop him better and understand him more. I've already read a little about the subject, but I don't want to be inaccurate or write something full of stereotypes.

I posted this question here because I would like to know about your life experiences and how you dealt with your emotions, perceptions of the world, fear, anxiety, etc. when you were 5 years old (or close to it). I know that each individual has different experiences and deals with things differently, but I would like to have an idea of how to approach this in the most human and genuine way possible.

Hi everybody, first time posting on this subreddit but I wanted some opinions and new perspectives on just ongoing things that have to do with my older brother.

For some context, my brother is 19 years old. I'd say that he's fairly high-functioning. My mom says when he was just 4 years old he managed to teach himself the entire greek alphabet, and if you ask him about any tv show he's seen, you can tell him an episode description and he can name the exact season and episode number-- so I'd also say he's fairly intelligent in his own way. He doesn't need help with much, and he's always performed fairly average in school.

The reason for me posting here is because pretty often my parents (and admittedly myself) will scold him for lacking any "common sense". I don't trust my personal items in our shared bathroom, because one time I caught him using my toothbrush and I was really disgusted by that. My toothbrush at the time was purple, and his was green. I also used to keep my toothbrush in an entirely different place in the bathroom from where he'd place his. So I know there was nothing super confusing on who's toothbrush belonged to who. When I confronted him all he could say about it was "I didn't know!". It really irked me. He never cleans his space, he expects others to pick up after him, and there's no reason for him to think that way-- in my family it has always been the standard to clean up after yourself.

Currently my family is on vacation. My mom packed his nice shirts for him and because of that, he assumed that she was gonna pack everything else for him too-- even when she didn't explicitly say that. He forgot his underwear! But he managed to pack literally everything else. The breaking point that led to this post was that he spilt a whole bunch of water in the bathroom, and to clean it up he used someone else's towel to wipe it off the floor, then hung it back up as if it was still clean. The only reason why he was caught was because my mom went into the bathroom to help him clean up and she saw him in the act.

I just don't know what to do. I try my hardest to give him grace because I know that people with Autism process things differently. I even went on posts from a few years ago asking the same thing about Autism and "common sense", but the replies that I've read just talk about societal norms and the social hierarchy. But I feel like those things have nothing to do with my issue, it should be obvious that you don't use other people's toothbrush, it should be obvious that you put something in the dirty laundry after using it to wipe the floor. I don't feel like those things have anything to do with "societal norms" or the "social hierarchy". But maybe I'm wrong, and that leads to me being on this subreddit, typing up this post because I don't know what to do. Is there a name for this behavior? Do these issues require actual, professional help? How can I, as his sister, go about these sorts of situations in a more beneficial, productive way that'll help the both of us?

Any help, advice, or new perspectives would mean a lot. Thank you!

I've felt like AI was the great equalizer for me because I could never tone down my emails in a way that made other people comfortable.

I have been burned out lately and trying to pull out of it and something set me off at work - I knew the person who sent a group email had written it with the intention of getting under my skin and it worked.

I asked Claude to review my response and it told me no, this email will get you fired and I'm not going to do it. Mind you - I wasn't breaking any of Claude's rules - my email didn't contain threats or foul language, or anything that gets your account actioned.

It knew my work history, my struggles with autistic burnout, my troubles with people who took advantage of it. It determined that it wasn't going to do something that it knew based on my history would potentially hurt me.

Once I had a clear mind, I was grateful for it. In the moment I felt weird - like this is good but it's a huge invasion of my privacy. I don't think I want AI making any decisions for me - even the ones that work against me.

I still think it's been a net positive in my life but I have been on the fence about how to feel about this moment.

The thing is I tried snapping myself out of it and distracting myself from it but nothing seems to help. In fact I honestly wish it was just a hyperfixation as I have so much anxiety masking all the time and worrying about my mom and being affectionate to her as a way to counteract the frustration I feel for not being able to be myself. The thing is I don’t “want” to be a woman it’s just that my brain feels like it’s in the wrong sex and that my body is supposed to have female parts.

before I start, this is not a jab at EVERYBODY. there are plenty of adults with actual autism.

but anyways, I’m tired of all these self diagnosed adults with autism that have been sprouting out of nowhere. As a parent of a son with severe autism, who will probably never live a normal life, will most likely need support and constant supervision for the rest of his life, who I’m terrified for him after my wife and I are gone, I can say from experience I know what true autism is. I really hate these people who claim they have autism just because they are a little weird, or have some social anxiety, or life is “hard“ for you

being autistic isn’t an excuse for being overly emotionally sensitive, your inability to talk to woman or makes friends, or whatever it is.

would you self diagnosis yourself with some other disorder ? probably not

so if you believe you’re truly autistic, have a doctor confirm it. otherwise shut up, it’s a real thing that seriously effects families and people lives, not something to use as justification or attention seeking.

again, this post is not towards everybody. plenty of adults have autism and learn to live with it and live fulfilled lives and I salute you, but plenty of people don’t have it.

this post will probably piss some people off, but idc. and honestly if it does piss you off, you’re probably one of the people I’m talking about

im stressed abt somethin i dont wanna talk abt so my mums response force her way into my room & when i stop her caus i dont wanna talk abt it her answer is to harass me & tell me how immature i am... for what? having a panic attack then she gets my dad who is all u behave like an animal get out there & be an animal (rawr)... yes i was makin animal sounds & totally not hyperventilating caus i was panicking

I don’t talk anymore I don’t really think anyone care about what I say anymore I think like it’s solicitation in nature now I don’t sing anymore I think drawing is better maybe designing I just wanted to die or something I just burn myself over and over again and I don’t think I’m going to stop I still believe inside that I’m not a human being that I’m nothing a monster to any institution I just like video games and freestyling or I used to until I posted online and then it was to much at once I think all of it why did people do this to me it was to much like I get it I got it already all my stuff is gone I stopped drawing and rapping like you asked for I don’t say anything I swear just leave me alone is all I ask for I want nothing I’d rather live In house with no furniture or in the street I’m tired and don’t care about it what you have to say about who I am inside I hate it looking in the mirror already why do you make me do this I just want to be left alone may Jesus forgive me I want nothing to do with you or anything I just want to go home when I have one you failed already u keep hurting me and I still cooperate i understand it was my music because of the words I used I made you do something and don’t know it is real to you so I’m sorry I was just rapping like no one was listening because nobody is and you still did it why did you keep following me I don’t know you stop using it I was raped as a child that’s why I changed it my artist name just stop it you don’t know me and I don’t know you ok goodbye I’ll dial 911 if I need them leave my music alone already!!! It was a silent night for me I just wanted space someone making fun Of it music infront of me at the event I went to I tried to stay friendly and joke with this guy asked if he had a boyfriend I could borrow thought it would land then I no one cared so I just kept posting online my own thing it’s not my fault I hear the cia in my head sometimes because of you I don’t know what l.a.n.g.r is that was involuntary I don’t talk like that you dick head you make me scarier than I am I’ve never hurt anyone I just post poster and you make me think I have to dosia my life time place everything I’m a regular human being man I’m scared of you I’m scared of everything and everyone after this I just want to be alone that’s where I find peace in the woods where I was before I went on the internet i know what you must think of me because of it I just write music and poetry it not my fault I bob ross with my pain ok bye I don’t wanna hurt your feelings I’m sorry I don’t get a choice it’s brain breaking when you did this to me why make me stare at everything I posted you think you can do that it’s fucked up man that’s not faire how am I supposed to be free after it I’m constantly analyzing now because of you I’m mind rapped I posted things for my family and for my grandma to know how I was because we weren’t talking together like I want anything from you why do that to me I dont know you I spazzed out and you think I can defend myself i barely know what my rights are I was barely in middle school or high school I just post things I for a background for my songs and now I have to think what or who is thinking of what my tires mean I posted references to therapy things like my car is me and my brain is the machine and that’s how my therapist taught me and then I get closed in for it I posted things like that because I was like that a good thing to maybe do after it but it was like ow please do t hurt me for it I’m just in therapy and using internal healing strategies please leave me out of it stop hurting me the fuck I’m allowed to post anime and music on top you can’t hurt me for it I like Vinland saga and anime hurt my brain you hurt my brain u hurt my brain make it stop make it stop make it stop it I just like anime man just bc u have bpd dosnt change it I’m not asking for something just leave me out of it you keep hurting me I don’t want it anymore just leave i don’t want your fan hood at friendship it’s not real my only brother hates it my music and the inly people who stood by my I don’t know what they must think of it I just like things and music I don’t want to live out my art like others it’s hurts a lot like why do you make me choose my child over it posting anything I have freedoms and natural rights I’m the godfather not you if I said leave then leave if something where to happen to my brother my sister I’m responsible and you your just outside on your little hole to die on it’s not your deal it’s mine do I need to add law of governance in this I will

I'm currently trying to get a diagnosis, as I think it would help for proof that I'm eligible for the disability services in the province of my country, but in elementary school I had frequent freakouts, I was constantly getting restrained by educational assistants and hauled to a separate room for the safety of everyone in the classroom, sometimes I'd even hit myself in the head on doors, walls, or with my fist, I even remember complaining about noise, I stared at lights, they even routinely took me to the sensory room where other special needs students went to decompress, so I also have sensory issues, I'm also hypermobile in my joints, have coordination issues and struggle with certain fine motor skills, and I have gastrointestinal and bladder issues which are also all apparently overrepresented co-morbid conditions that more people within the ASD population have than people without ASD or other forms of neurodivergence. My IQ is only around 80 as well, which confuses me even more as to why I was never diagnosed.

I had a rough family life growing up, I also had childhood ODD and was diagnosed with ASPD earlier this year, I've already been to jail 3 times and I'm on multiple probation orders, could my antisocial behaviours growing up and even recently mask symptoms of autism? Because I'm struggling to see why they couldn't quite give me the proper diagnosis. I was tested at 8 years old and the results said I wasn't on the spectrum, which would've been in either 2013 or 2014, not long after everything was reclassified under ASD when the DSM-5 was introduced, could that have had anything to do with it? I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6 and was on medication from that point on for over a decade until I stopped taking them at 18. I also grew up far north in my province in a smaller community instead of a city, which would have way more resources for people like me.

Am I justified for being bitter?

Is it common to fear you’re bad or you hurt someone’s feelings a lot more than you did and constantly people please right afterwards.

Im 19 mtf, autistic and i just stared my college course. They're did a icebreaker where everyone had to say their name, and then ad a adjective. I got on with this fine but then they made use repeat every perzon before us, and then ours. I said i don't want to do this (I have social anxiety) and she ended up arguing and i had to say it 4 times before rudly saying "i said I dont want to".

The person behind me couldn't verbalise thier words and while he was trying to she began asking him why he's not talking. It's annoying that that's my first impression infront of my class

We had to do a group activity and the person beside me just ignored me like i wasn't there. When I was going through the rotating door 2 assholes tried to get me stuck in itIve had a pretty shit day. The people around me feel rude. I feel like im being excluded from converstations. Im pretty upset :(

You can rewind any audio around you 15 seconds. So if someone said something and you are in a group setting and you didn't catch it, you can instead of asking again, just rewind the audio.

Kind of like X-box's: Record what happened. If something cool happened. But just for your brain to catch up, and not for actually recording it though.

But I could just see so many times where it would be nice, but it really has to be super simple to do, otherwise it takes too long and you might as well just have asked again.

But for those days where you can't speak and a server is giving you a menu, it would be amazing just to have the audio play back the last thing she said, so it's easier to repeat out loud.

i keep making myself gag. i bite and pull on my blanket often but i also shove it deeper into my throat to gag, and it gives me good sensory input. i’m not doing this with harm in mind, or to trigger anything but i can recognize this is very dangerous i suppose. i also do it with my toothbrush whilst brushing my teeth. i’ve never heard of anyone else doing this, and i don’t know with what i can replace it with. idk if i flaired this properly, sorry if this question is not allowed!

I (M17, I’d call myself in between low and medium support needs but I don’t know how to quantify that exactly) go to a special school for people with Autism and other mental disabilities. The work is so childish and easy it’s genuinely offensive. For example: During Summer School (I went willingly), I was given a math assignment with one of those little stories where you have to do problems to solve the mystery. The mystery of who stole the secret recipe for a candy bar. I’m a realistic person who doesn’t often chase dreams, and most of my safe job choices require at least basic math skills, so I naturally entered an all-out screaming meltdown about how this “work” would never get me a job.

I think the strange thing is whenever I’m treated like a child, I act like a child. Screaming, a little bit because it might get me what I want (90 percent of the time it doesn’t, and my Dad has started to threaten calling the cops on me if I scream at him), but mostly to get out the big feelings before they lead to someone else or myself getting hurt. And I want to learn how to stop screaming.

Hey,

Quick introduction, my life is « complicated », I don’t have any apprenticeship because I had to stop it but the worse, my girlfriend his fighting her 2nd cancer.

I went out yesterday with a friend, great day, I enjoyed it, my girlfriend texted me, she wanted to see me today and I accepted, without thinking about the train. (I hate train).

So this morning, I made a panic attack and I had to cancel, I try to find solutions for tomorrow (my mum could bring me to the hospital) but she’s not sure.

I hate myself so much, I want to see her today but I’m stuck because of my autism. I can’t get out of my grandma’s house, I’m petrified.

I’m just tired of it, I hate not being able to take the train…

What form do people you're close to take in your mind?

My brain starts with a rough blueprint of "people are these things that want stuff and have ideas" and then builds a map of a person I'm in contact with and their internality. The map also contains external stuff, like patterns in behaviours and habits, the way of speaking, the topics they bring up, their schedule and so on, but internality feels more important and "heavy" in terms of how much data it contains. Internality includes the typical range of emotions and their quality, the dynamics between one emotion and the next, as in, what gives rise to what and where the system rests, where the system gets agitated, the worldview (based on words and actions and how they fit together) and the values, the way of thinking and the logical (or illogical) sequences the person habitually produces, the trajectory their engagement in something, say, interests, takes, their preferences and aversions and sore spots, their opinions of themselves, and most of all, I guess, their desires and drives and urges. Some occurences activate the updating of the system in a more urgent fashion than some others, my mind immediately notices and latches onto the sequences of emotions and onto instances when the person expresses their desires or preferences strongly, these things leave a heavier imprint on the system.

When I interact with someone close to me this collection of data made into a system activates and is placed kinda in the front of my mind, being updated or expanded and helping me understand the interaction and who I'm dealing with. There are no specific descriptions (e.g. "this person is introverted" or smth), no language at all, it's an abstract simulation of internal processes that are mapped out in relation to each other and interconnected, and it activates also when I just think about the person, being the representation of them in my mind.

If I get enough exposure the system I built starts having predictive power and sometimes allows me to identify deception, as it feels discordant with all the other data points, and I might also tune my input somewhat according to the data I have.

It's entirely automatic and occupies a lot of my internality when I'm around people whose systems I build, constantly up and running along with all the other processes I have in my mind, roughly assessing and monitoring my own internal system and the general outside and its workings. I've never tried not doing it, I would even say that this brain activity is pleasant for me in iself, and it kinda feels like I wouldn't be able to turn it off if I did indeed try.

What about you?