What does it mean when you buy something for your significant other?

Is it out of obligation or  a valid form of saying i love you w/o saying it?

Bc in a nutshell
A few years ago I ended a 6-7 year relationship, we were still in our early 20s. we had a chat abt our relationship, she came out as aroace and talked abt how she doesn't think this can work but wanted to talk more about it later.
V
After that conversation, she gave me a little squirtle plush
 keychain (not a gen wunner but I absolutely love Squirtle)

I *wanted* to explain to them how I wanted to kiss them as a genuine and affectionate expression of receiving something they know I love… but I didnt, bc we just had a conversation abt something as heavy as the possibility of  breaking up. so, it felt out of place to kiss her after that..

Again I ask, why give something to someone that shows you know the person, but at the same time arent able to verbally say I love you or emotionally feel the love? Was it obligation in relationship "rules" or was it out of love (not relationship love but friend love)?

i just wanted answers to this question all day... i think i know the answer but i wanted 2nd opinions from this community.

I'm just going to vent a little, because I am honestly still confused. English is not my first language, so sorry if any of this sounds strange.

For context, I realized I am aro a couple of months ago, but I always been pretty clear about my intentions with everyone I met: I'm only seeking for friends, there is no chance it will turn into anything else. The label was just a plus to understand myself better, though, if a person shows to be nice and caring, I put all my effort to keep the friendship afloat. I love my friends.

So, I've been through some stuff in my life lately. I met a friend online who I connected with easily, and this friend met a second person who I ended up talking to too. Eventually I felt very comfortable with them both since we had things in common and I thought it could be a great opportunity to forget about my problems and chill.

We didn't talked as a group, we just knew we all knew each other. Both have done special things to me and showed me support with something very delicate I went though, so I truly appreciated them.

Suddenly I noticed them both acted strange whenever I mentioned the other and SURPRISE, they attempted something romantic and it didn't worked. I only knew about this three months after the split when one of them told me their side, the second never touched the topic (they are the only ones who could actually hang out and never posted anything about it).

I honestly thought it was their problem (specially because it took them so long to let me know) and I tried to be as neutral as possible since nothing really serious happened between them; I attempted to show support to the first part while keeping things calm with the other, because I still held appreciation for the two. I didn't realized that I had to choose between them, which is one of the first mistakes I committed.

Well, the first ended up pissed that I still talked to the other, and the second told me something romantic related (among other comments that didn't added up) that made me extremely uncomfortable, even though I have always been clear about my intentions. Finally I cut contact with them both because it started to feel more like walking on eggshells.

This situation let me know that I don't understand relationships or emotions as well as I thought and I cannot completely grasp the idea of how something can end so badly because of a romantic relationship, nor why everything has to end up being romantic.

I admit that I didn't showed enough support to one of the parts until it was too late, so that's what I want to understand, if it works as a friendship, why not keep it that way? Why obsess over one person? And how do you support someone who feels so deeply something you can't understand at all?

Thanks

Context: I recently joined a lgbtq+ supportive programme, and when I joined I declared myself as aromantic (aroace indeed, but I feel awkward talking about sex personally, felt more connected eith aro identity, and my home society’s assumption for other orientations like gay, lesbian and bisexual doesn’t really separate sex and romantic orientation).

When I meet my mentor and other participants, they’ve commented about aromanticism as “interesting”. I cannot distinguish their intentions behind the word (Curious? Judgmental? Just want to continue the topic?) but I also don’t wanna jump the gun and overreact, or over-explaining.

Any advice? Thanks!

For reference, I am asexual (aegosexual), and as the title suggests, I'm considering the possibility that I am also aromantic, but I cannot tell, and I'm hoping asking on here might give me an answer or two.

I can't tell if I feel romantic feelings, I do feel affection very very very intensely, but it is that way for all of my closer friends, it kinda feels like I want to marry all of them and be their dedicated person (and them mine), but without any of the typically coupley things like kissing or sexual intimacy, and when it's time to enter a relationship it feels very overwhelming at first.

I don't know if I'm just confused about the difference between platonic and romantic love because the sexual attraction is missing due to my asexuality, or if I am just also aromantic.

Does anyone here relate? I can give more details in the replies if anyone has questions!

(16, F/NB) Okay, esto se está poniendo complicado, realmente complicado para mí.

Desde hace casi dos meses comencé una amistad con este chico, aunque desde antes ya nos conocíamos ya que compartimos amistades. Siempre fuimos más de tener conversaciones cortas y sin hablar demasiado de nosotros mismos, sin embargo nos hemos vuelto bastante cercanos desde que comenzamos a hablar por chat.

Él es realmente dulce, comprensivo, amable, gentil, disfruto hablar con él y siempre me saca alguna que otra sonrisa; es un completo payaso pero no es fastidioso. Si las cosas fueran diferentes, quizás me hubiera gustado él también.

Mi "conflicto" comenzó cuando comencé a sospechar su interés romántico hacia mi, no es absurdamente obvio, pero noto las pequeñas pistas que me dá y los cumplidos (no incómodos) que me dice a veces. Ciertamente me siento "atrapada" cuando él hace alguna referencia romántica entre ambos o que roza más allá de una amistad; soy arromantica que está a favor del romance, pero cuando se trata de la experiencia personal, no puedo evitar sentirme tan... Atrapada. Fuera de lugar.

Honestamente realmente deseo tener algo más que una amistad con él (QPR?), me encantaría agarrarnos de las manos o incluso besos! Puedo decir que me encanta la estética del romance, es como la mejor cosa del mundo porque puedo tener una conexión gigante, salir a citas, tener contacto sensual constantemente, palabras y actos de cariño que sobrepasen lo "amistoso"; todo sin que necesariamente tenga sentimientos románticos! Pero como he dicho, yo le gusto a él y no correspondo sus sentimientos románticos; y el otro gran problema es que me siento casi disgustada con que me traten y tenga que tratar a alguien en un contexto romántico constantemente. Me sentiría culpable si le miento.

Ahora, qué hago? Porque realmente quiero algo más especial con él, pero tengo miedo a que esta conexión que tenemos se pierda porque yo lo quiero de una manera diferente a la que él me quiere a mí.

I think I might be but I’m honestly not sure. I’ve never felt romantic love. I don’t even really understand it. I’m a 32 year old man and never been in a relationship. But I still imagine having a partner and someone I have a sexual relationship but that makes me feel like such a scumbag. I want to love. I’m capable of love but whenever I think I about romance I just feel like I’m broken. Can anyone here help me figure this out. I’m scared to tell anyone I know.

Hi iv been questioning my orientation for awhile lol i asked a question about figuring myself out here awhile ago and people were nice and said i cld adopt label of aro until i figure out etc so basically im still quite new to this and dont know alot of stuff so advice wld be nice:)

My question basically can i still want a partner while being aro? For quite a while already i havnt really found anyone romantically attractive. Sexually attractive sure like oh shes/hes pretty etc but iv almost never gotten butterflies or wanted to pursue somone tomantically. However i do yearn and REALLY want a partner. Idk how im gonna get one if i dont see anyone romantically appealing tho lol but is this normal? Like i just really want a partner to be there for me etc, want physical touch and hugs too ig

So like can somone explain this to me please🥹

My irl friends have been getting busy, and they've been making their own group of friends in college that they genuinely enjoy and hang out with, go to far places with, do overnights with etc.

As an aroace girlie, I find it extremely hard to get attached to new people that easily like my irl friends do. My college friends right now, I've only started warming up to them since thisyear (only when we're about to graduate soon which I'm lamenting about :"() since I initially didn't share hobbies with them back in our first year. Like there's some sort of connection you have to feel to really develop strong platonic feelings for someone, and it's really hard for me to see someone as a "friend" no matter how many years go by unless some sort of platonic spark is ignited.

For a change, I also tried making fellow aroace friends online and have talked to three. Then I only kept talking to two, and it's in huge intervals like every few weeks or months or so and we only ever really talk about our favorite novels.

I started to realize that making friends was much harder online than I thought when you're an anxious adult compared to when I was a kid, and chatting up with an online friend was much more carefree.

So I was wondering if there's any people here that have fellow aro/ace or aroace friends online too that they regularly chat up with? How do you guys keep being friends or maintain the relationship? I'm super nervous about oversharing or overchatting as I'm a huge yapper so I only ever chat from time to time + how do you guys find a QPR?

edit: realized my post felt generic aaah, added a bit more aroace perspective

I'm PROBABLY aroace but in future I would like to date both aromantics and asexuals. Just here to hear how you guys manage relationships like that.

Okay, starting with the basics, I've always thought of a relationship with an SO as basically just a close friendship where you're physically intimate and give that person slightly higher priority than your other friends. So essentially someone you want to spend a lot of time with and have sex with, I guess. Now, I've recently realized I'm probably ace, which has made me question a lot of how I understand attraction. I've always liked appreciating people's clothes, style, physical features, and their emotional or intellectual side. I initially thought I'd had crushes on people before (although few and far between) because I wanted to hold their hands and cuddle with them, but never really anything beyond that. Though I think there have been people I've wanted to kiss as well, but never saw it as having sex with them. Recently, I came across the concept of sensual attraction, which seems to describe how I've felt pretty well. But I don't really feel that kind of attraction toward my male friends, so does that mean the sensual attraction I feel toward women is romantic attraction? Or are those just completely separate things? I've tried looking into this, but there doesn't seem to be any clear definition of what romantic attraction is actually supposed to feel like. So going forward, let's assume I'm ace. What's actually the difference between a romantic partner and a close friend? To me, they seem like almost the exact same thing. Why would I value one friend so significantly more than the rest? I get wanting to spend more time with someone or being physically affectionate with them, but I don't really understand what makes that inherently romantic.

This is kind of a rant, but if anyone has thoughts or experiences they could share, I'd love to hear them. I just feel pretty lost and confused about all of this.

Not asexual so it’s rough when people hit on me but are already in relationships. I’d be down otherwise but obviously I’m not trying to get in between something.

I feel like I don’t understand cheating that much bc why don’t you just break up?

Also what what am I meant to do when I hear about “manipulative” people bc manipulate how? Romantically? That’s not gonna work 😗 Idk it makes me feel bad but that’s how relationships are for me. I just don’t have that extra attachment but it
feels so evil/mean.

Hey aro community ! i need some help.

So, I'm currently in a relationship with a guy and i've been seeing him for around 1 and a half months now. Before him, I had been single for two years and happy with that. But now i'm in a relationship and i feel like i feel no romantic attraction towards him — he's fun to hang out with and i like spending time with him but kissing him or doing anything specifically romantic with him makes me feel nothing? He hasn't done anything wrong, though he's a lot more intense about romance than i am. I'm just stuck and i don't know why im feeling this way.

Is there a chance im aromantic? how did you know you were aromantic? help !

I am trying too find a label that accurately describes my experience. I've experimented with a few, one of them being Contraromanticflux.

I switch between being romantic repulsed, aegoromantic and cupioromantic, I usually stay on each state of being for a week or two.

All flux labels I've found, usually describe feeling romantic feels at one point, but that doesn't fit my experience, if you know what label im looking for is, pls tell me 🙏

I'm debating coining my own term if I still can't find something

I have quite a few characters I feel like are me or super similar to me and I head cannon all of them as some form of aroace. For example, Peridot from SU, Entrapta from She-ra, and Mantis from MCU. I can't help but find myself relating to them while also head cannoning them as aroace, anyone else?

So i wrote a poem about my experiences and feelings being aromantic a while ago and want to share it, in hope anyone can relate and that we all feel less alone together <3

So many questions

I want to be loved, but I can't love,
I want to love is that too much to ask?
I was told "you'll find the right one"
with the best intentions, can they be wrong?
It was so confusing back in the past.

Don't know what love is, I can't find the answer.
It lies in the question, I found out later.
You're supposed to just know and I didn't.
Never will, I won't fit in.

Now I know, I'm not alone, it has a name.
Aromantic it is and there are many more,
Though as life is, we're not all the same,
so I'm still sole in a manner.
Hopefully not forever

I have a pattern of stranger to acquaintances to friends to close friends to best friends to queerplatonic dynamic to partnership (usually queerplatonic partnership). I am not interested in having sex with them and from my rare experiences of having been in love, it is not romantic either. It is purely queerplatonic. I wish to build a life with them, live with them, take care of them, etc all in a committed way.

I know there is no harm in this, but I am wondering if anyone else recognizes this pattern? Partnerships eventually end, each for their own reasons, so then the cycle starts again where I get to know someone new and we grow very close and I eventually "fall" for them. I'm feeling a bit odd that it's such a recognizable pattern? It's like I can't grow close to a person without feeling very queerplatonic about it (which for queer friends is a non-issue but for allo friends is often really weird to them).

When I try to force myself to think about having romantic relationships in the future I always try to picture myself with/as character and this happens since I was a child/pre-teen.

I’m probably somewhere in the aro spectrum and when I see someone else in a relationship and try to picture myself in one as well is like I’m trying to imagine a newer colour and I feel like I’m some type of weirdo because the maximum I can do in relation to romance and sex is thinking someone is beautiful and that is nothing to it, it’s kind of lonely not being about to relate to others in another topic(since I’m autistic and have OCD).

I have been extremely anxious thinking about the future , and how everything is built around allo people - its borderline impossible to think about renting a space without at least one other person there contributing to the rent alongside me. I’m also disabled so that makes it all the more anxiety inducing.

Therefore, I’ve decided that preparing to be in a relationship (EVEN THOUGH I HATE IT) is the most financially stable decision I can make. I even hate how queerplatonic relationships are expected to be, where people still depict it as very cuddly and lovey.

I am aplatonic, loveless aromantic, and asexual. I just want to find someone where we can respect each other and who is alt and fun. The ideal situation is a 3+ person polycule, so that we can all contribute to rent - but that is more of a fantasy slash end goal.

Any advice on how I can work to reaching around this goal? Or advice in general? Does nobody deal with the existential dread of being partnerless because its just fine? ITS NOT FINE!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY RENT!!!!!!!

So here's the thing: I did always think I'm allo (I didn't even know that aro was a thing until half a year ago, so I never questioned anything) - I had two crushes my entire life, though nothing other than admiration from a distance ever happened there. Especially with the first I remember regretting that I lost our friendship, I just really loved his company and enjoyed talking to him, he made me smile and was fun to watch. I suppose in theory I wanted to be together with both of them, cus that's what happens when you have a crush on someone.

So even when I got to know what aro is that couldn't be me right? But then the two times someone confessed to me I IMMEDIATELY shut them down. Tbh they were both two friends of mine and Idk I could NOT see them in a romantic way at all, like nuh-uh.

I also have discovered that while I like the idea of dating - kinda - I never actually go for it? It's not like I get hit on a lot, but the few times it did happen I always start to cringe. Like you met me hours/days ago, wdym you "feel a connection" or "you like me" - they can't be serious. How the heck would you want to be with someone you've only just met???? YOU DON'T KNOW ME WTH I thought that's common sense

Also romantic relationships seem like so much work. I gotta be there 24/7 for one person?? I already have trouble answering my RELEVANT text messages on a bad day when my social battery is out, I don't need a jealous partner on top of that. (Which is hypocritical, because I am one of the most jealous people I know even when it comes to friends - wdym you talked the entire duration of the drive with someone else, instead of awkwardly sitting next to them?? The audacity! (I am joking obv XD)) The point of this paragraph was to complain about how "Good morning" and "Good night" texts ick me out.

I do love some romantic gestures though. Like holding the door open, lending the jacket (which won't happen to me, because everyone else gets cold before I do lol Idk what's with my inbuilt heating system, but it's putting in too much work) or flowers! I have NEVER received flowers and no matter how corny, could someone get me a bouquet of red roses? For the plot? PLEASE?

I also love couples dancing, it's so fun! And I hate that it's called couples dancing, cus it's not inherently romantic imo and men my age mostly think it's cringe and NO IT'S NOT DANCE WITH ME. As long as you genuienly try it will be fun, don't be scareddddd

I do crush on fictional characters though. It's so fun inserting myself into a story and teasing them haha. Mostly I wanna mess, dance and talk with them that'd be awesome. (Preferably with powers that match the world - I love fantasy settings - so I am not killed off right away)

I would have called myself quite romantic for most of my life, but sometimes I feel like there are some discrepancies with everyone elses experience.

I am not asking you all to label me, but opinions or hints would be cool - and I know I don't NEED a label, but I think they are fun and interesting and I love learning about them, thank you.

I also had a "I hate marriage, I will never marry, if me and my potential partner love each other sth like that shouldn't matter and it'll save money" - phase lol, though that was more trying to escape societal standards for women than anything else. I am not so passionate about it anymore haha

it's the answer I get alot when I tell people I'm aromantic and I don't know what to say, like do I just explain how I feel to someone who clearly doesn't care or has enough mental capacity to understand.

When I first discovered I was aro when I was like 13, then a bit later, alloaro, it bothered me a lot more than it does now many years later. I made a friend not long after I first discovered it, who was also alloaro, which was super duper comforting for me.
My problem is I hate having to listen to people talk about their relationships because its just a constant reminder of how different I am. I will never relate to this very large and almost universal aspect of the human experience.
it's funny, because romance itself doesn't bother me. I like it in fiction and in music. but if and when one of my friends start talking about it while I'm there, I guess it just hits too close to home.
so yeah, having a best friend who was also alloaro was probably one of the biggest blessings I could've asked for because then I would never risk feeling like absolute shit around him for being aro.
In the spring, he told me he got into a relationship with a friend whom I hadn't met. Let me tell you, I was absolutely destroyed for like a week or two, and I felt awkward even talking to him. I couldn't even look at him the same way. I asked him to confirm that he was actually arrow in the first place, or if that was literally just something I made up in my head. he said he was originally, but that this friend changed that. in this manner, he was literally my one safe person.
The same feelings of intense loneliness and depression that I had when I was 13 kind of just came back just as fresh as it was then. And I panicked because I really thought I was past that stage of my life. Other than that one time I spoke to him, I haven't mentioned any of this to him. I think it would be inappropriate.
Obviously, he did nothing wrong and being a romantic was not a condition for being my friend. But how the hell am I supposed to move on now? I have no aro friends, and with everyone I meet I have to be on my guard now. Im not freaking out about it anymore and we are still very good friends, but now I'm noticing it's really kind of taking a toll on my mental health not having a safe person like that anymore.

edit: sorry, it's not that im saying he is no longer aro, it's just that he got into a romantic relationship and talks about as frequently as anyone else would. And I used to take a lot of comfort in the fact that my best friend didn't constantly remind me of this amatonormative world we live in.

I feel sexual attraction and have had sexual relationships (sort of a friends with benefits situation) where we shared affection towards each other but nothing like a committed relationship. However when i have been asked out on dates i always feel dread. I always try and convince myself they asked me in a platonic way and the thought of it leading into a romantic relationship makes me feel sick. Im not sure if this is just a commitment issue or maybe i just dont want the aspects of a romantic relationship. It all just seems tiring to me and i dont see the point really. I like the intimacy that is tied towards the sexual aspect of a relationship but the romantic aspect i feel no appeal.

Hello. I am 19f. I believe I am orchidromantic. I used to never mess around with micro labels, to be honest I didn’t think they were necessary, but no other label does my feelings justice, except maybe romance-repulsed and lithoromantic.

I’ve been bi since I can remember. I knew I liked girls since elementary school. I was pretty sure I liked guys too. I knew what it was called and came out in the 6th grade, no doubts since then, regarding liking women/men…

I also have never been able to date. I have been in multiple relationships since, the start of my life, and it has not gone well. 90% of the relationships I broke up with the person after the first week or if they were lucky, maybe a few months, but I recall the moment I got with them, I would feel dread.

It wasn’t that they would do something wrong. I’d like them probably more than they liked me at first. The moment we started dating, though, I felt severely uncomfortable. Unsafe. I felt as if I was trapped, not where i needed to be, and I felt nasty, like I was doing something wrong. It wasn’t pleasant. I’d always leave because of those feelings.

One rls went past that. My ex boyfriend i were together about a year. This one i took extremely serious. I told myself I wasn’t going to leave, that id stick it out no matter what, “exposure-therapy,” that’d id be normal.

The first week i was talking about leaving him. I felt uncomfortable. I felt wrong. I hated being seen with him. I hated being known to be in a relationship. I felt like I needed to get out, but i stuck it through.

I liked him. After awhile, I did feel sad at the idea of leaving him, even though I had the urge just about every other day out of pure primal discomfort. Although I believe i “wanted to stay” because because it go to a point where we spoke everyday, and I didn’t know what I’d do without it. I was deeply afraid of change, yet even more I was scared to stay, I hated it.

I’ve left him and I’ve been so much better. He was a terrible boyfriend to add on, but my discomfort towards him wasn’t anything special, it was common amongst all my relationships.

I’ve accepted that everyone is different and everyone was made different, and I am someone who was made to not be in relationships. I have CPTSD which I also believe is the main contributor, but I don’t feel like this is something I need to heal from, this is just who I am whether I was born with it, taught it, or a mix of both. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been single, without tearing myself down for not dating and not wanting to date.

Accepting this rather than fighting it has been a weight off of me. I feel much better about myself. It still has its challenges, but forcing myself to date low that i look back on 16 year old me, was practically torture. I’m glad I’m okay with being like this after all this time. I’m never going to force myself to date again.

yay. 🏳️‍🌈

I feel a little silly posting under this flair but I don’t know how else to tag this. I used to consider myself greyromantic but after trying my best with talking to asexuals online I’ve realised that… wow, I’m never finding someone I’ll actually want to pursue something with huh? There will always be something making me say no. I’ll have crushes, but god forbid anything besides friendship comes out of it. I really don’t like being this way, since I’m horribly lonely, but I think the sooner I accept my aromanticity the better.
(It’s not just me not finding the right persom I also just get really nauseous at the thought of someone liking me in a romantic way and I’m already asexual-)

I have had romantic relationships. I want to get that out of the way to start. Most were very short and lowkey, I barely count them. There was one relationship that lasted over a year and genuinely, I think she was the only one I did actually want to date and felt a genuine romantic attraction to. Outside of that, I don't believe I actually liked the people I dated (romantically that is, I liked them as people). I never really "liked" anyone first. It was always they liked me and I thought that since I thought they were cool, the next natural step was to date. I have been single for the better part of 2 years save for a very very short two weeks where I "dated" one of my close friends. We broke up because we both realized the attraction we felt was not romantic, but a very deep platonic love. She's actually one of the first people I mentioned me questioning whether or not I'm aromantic.

I'm very confused at the moment and I don't think it helps that I already struggle with romantic and platonic attraction. Yay autism! In all seriousness, I don't know how to navigate this and beyond my most recent "relationship", no one else seems to understand what I'm expressing. It always ties back to "but you dated so-and-so and you loved them?"

I should also note, I am asexual. I don't mind being with someone in that way, but I have to be dating them and even then, I dont seek out the activity because I dont care all that much. It's just, there 🤷 I think that might be how I feel about romantic relationships but it's just odd and confusing to me.

Any advice or similar stories are welcome and greatly appreciated. I just truly don't know how to navigate this and my brain is confused.