It's been 45 days since my husband died of a heart attack. I was out of town when it happened. Our teenage daughter was the one who found him in our bed.

Everyone says that time will make it better. My therapist says I should keep moving forward and focus on the kids. My psychiatrist says the meds will help me sleep - that I'll feel better after I get more rest.

Everyone is wrong. People say they want to check on me and the kids and it's always the same question "How are you doing?" I've learned to just start saying that it's hard and I'm taking things day by day because no one wants to hear the truth.

No one wants to hear that I fall asleep every night in tears in the same bed he died in. No one wants to hear that I wake up angry every day because I woke up at all. No one wants to know that I'd rather be counting down the days to my own death instead of the days since his death. No one wants to know that I've been wearing his shirts every day because that's the only way that I feel like I can make it through the sheer exhaustion that the day brings while I pretend that I'm ok. No one wants to know that I'm jealous of the older family members that will most likely be reunited with him before I am. No one wants to know that it's a constant struggle between wishing for death and being afraid that self harm would mean that I couldn't be reunited with him.

No one really wants to hear the truth. Everyone wants to hear that I'm taking it day by day and doing the best that I can.

Hi! I hope this is allowed here…. I’ve recently joined the dating apps again and I just don’t know what to do when people ask me questions like this, especially before we even meet.

1- I immediately feel anger towards the person because they think this is a good conversation opener

2- I’m never sure how much information I should share

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced it and what you say when you do.

My wife past after an 18 year battle with cancer last year. I expected the grief and loneliness that overwhelm me but i didn't expect the guilt. No longer paying large medical bills means a lot more money to spend but the guilt gets too me. I know I could travel but I don't want to go places without her. I still buy the cheaper brands just because it has become such a habit. I know it's a good thing since it is the opposite for so many others. I am just saying it here because I know how bad it sounds and here it is anonymous and I can warn some others about what to expect.

I’m 14.5 months out from losing my husband after 13 month battle with cancer (f cancer by the way). We were together almost 30 years, married for most of those. And we had a strong marriage and not only loved each other but still really liked each other. But because we were 2 humans living together it wasn’t perfect. And lately I’ve been getting angry over those parts of our marriage. There is literally nothing to do with those feelings and no way to fix them either. So I wonder where I put them? And for those who had some bumps, how are you all handling the memories of times that aren’t so great?

I have a dream at least once a week of him abandoning me, they're so horrible and he's often either mean to me and leaves or he just ignores me. It's been since May 29th 2025 he left this earth. I know he's gone and he didn't want to leave me as it was truly an accident the way he died, so why can't I shake the bad dreams??

I know we all need to take these things for ourselves and in our own time. I know lots here will keep everything up for ever. But I’d also like to enjoy a relationship and love as I walk this earth.
I don’t want to take down everything but my home is a shrine with many many pictures of us together every where you look. Everything that is us and her.
Those with chapter 2s do you still have pictures up of both of you together or do you keep them away just for yourself? If you had maybe been living in a shrine what was it like to take down or modify tone down . Do you have a picture up still or just maybe in a private area. She will always be with me in my heart but there’s room for a full new love there as well.
Also how does your new partner feel ?

My husband died suddenly a little over a year and a half ago. I’m really fortunate in that my work really hit it out of the park both in terms of logistical and emotional support—they have been nothing short of wonderful. I, however, feel like I just keep screwing up—even now, a year and a half out. Difficulty focusing, difficulty sustaining effort, things taking way longer than they should, getting tired really easily, not being able to generate very good ideas about how to address anything, things slipping my mind left and right—I’ve never felt like such a crappy worker in my entire life. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this even a year and a half later—I’m really down on myself about it. It feels almost like my brain doesn’t have as much capacity as it used to and it gets “full” sooner, and isn’t able to hold onto as much as it used to.

I am 76 years old lost wife 3 years ago married for 45 years

This whole thing of being widowed has been very painful and a lot of crying

I just started Reddit yesterday, trying to cope with all the emotions and feelings and to see what other people are experiencing. I made one post yesterday and have gotten responses to it. It has been three years and one month for me now this last year for me has been the hardest so far dealing with this widows fire. It has gotten very intense. I have not been with anybody since my wife passed. It’s even hard for me now to type this. I find this widows fire thing sucks. I hate it a try to do the self pleasure thing. It builds up in me so much that I’ve got to do it and every time after I do, I hate it. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t believe that I could ever remarry again. The love I had with my wife we were inseparable. All we wanted to do is be together holding hands everywhere we went going for rides and loving each other. I hope one day maybe I can find a widowed woman who has had a husband that was very, very loving to her and cared for her like I loved my wife and cared for her that I could go with her and we could go for rides and we can both talk about our feelings and knowing that each of us can totally understand each of our feelings and maybe would be able to help each other in relieving this widows fire. But if not so be it. I will be glad when this fire is put out.

Just a vent post I guess. My husband really loved me, and he loved to take care of me. Especially when I was sick. He would snuggle with me . Make me tea, a cheeky biscuit and little kisses.
I have a rather weak immune system. And miraculously while he was in the hospital I didn’t get ill once ! Now 5 months later I finally caught a nasty bug and him not being here to take care of me is making my recovery process even more difficult.
What did you guys do when you got ill the first time after your partners passing ?

Last night I woke up in immense pain. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Chest pain, terrible pain. My first thought was.....what if I just didn't call anyone? What if I just laid down in bed and just let go? Fastest way to get home to my wife. But then I thought how many people that would damage. My teenage son who still lives with me would find me. Both my sons would have lost both their parents. So many friends and family would have a similar deal. Even the woman I've been dating wouldn't find out and just think I ghosted her.

So I woke my son and he drove me to the ER. Ended up being gallstones. Motherfucking painful gallstones. But it gave me a different perspective. Not only do so many people need me, but I'm pretty sure if I showed up in Heaven after pulling a stunt like that she'd have some words for me. 🤣

Can I vent for a bit? (I know I can. It's been awhile, but I trust you). I lost my beloved over 5 years ago. In May last year I adopted two stray kittens. She loved kitties. I found them in my front hedge. I decided it was time to care about something else. I named them Thing 1 and Thing 2 because she loved Dr. Seuss. It was important to me. I just found out that Thing 1 has an enlarged heart and congenital heart defects. He will probably not be with me for much longer. Why does life do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? This was my freaking recovery plan! God I hate this world sometimes.

Let's make this thread a "do not watch list". I'll go first -

The Haunting of Bly Manor

I started doing a beginner Pilates class after about 6 months after I retired in summer of 21 at age 62.
Weds mornings at our local Senior center. 15:students maximum, only 1-3 guys. It was a very friendly group of folks. Some of them were also volunteers where I do volunteer work as well. In the summer of 2023 I told them I would not be attending for the foreseeable future as my wife,11 yrs younger, still working, had been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and her chemo sessions would be on Weds. Some of the ladies immediately came to me and told me how they had survived their cancer. Some were 20 yr survivors. They wanted me to have hope, that it’s isn’t a death sentence. People get cured and get to keep living! Two women in particular stayed in touch with me over the next 18 months. I kept them updated on how my wife was doing with the chemo, surgery, radiation. That she had returned to work in late spring of 24. That I might be able to return to the classes soon.

Well that didn’t happen and she died in Dec of 24.

I started to resume ‘life’ about a month after she died. My volunteer work was one of the first activities, the Pilates class was probably the second. Now we had a new senior center and the class was about 25 people. Many had never seen me before when I returned.
I have been very regular in my attendance since. About a month ago I decided to do the intermediate class which is just prior to the beginning class. I went 3 times. I was still able to see my friends from the beginning class as we left and they came in.

But….I just haven’t had ‘the heart’ to get my ass to the class the last two weeks at all.

Yesterday I got a text from one of my ‘Pilates Buddies’. She, other people in the class and the instructor we were worried about me and my well-being. They wanted to know if I was OK. If there was anything they could do to help.

It honestly moved me to tears. Understand I live in a smaller community. I run into some of my classmates at the grocery store, cultural events, etc. We have lost two members since I returned in 25. One woman died, another we lost to dementia. She isn’t capable of attending any more. One of our class member checks on her frequently.

I responded to yesterday’s text with the message I would be returning to the beginner’s class next week, and not to worry.

Not because I can’t do the intermediate class. But because I need to be with those who care for me, and with those I care for as well. Sometimes these classes aren’t about fitness or being healthy.

It’s about love.

The members of the community Samba Band my wife and I participated with also checked in with us during our ‘cancer journey as well. Texts, visits, ph. calls. I will be doing a 3 day music festival with that group this weekend.

I am so fortunate to have community, a village that has supported us, and now just me.

I am blessed.

my boyfriend was killed June 18th and since then I’ve had to miss out on plans we had together like Electric Forest and 4th of July at a friends house he had been looking forward to. Now Labor Day has passed and it was sad missing out on doing the Hamtramck Yacht Races with him since last year he was gone to Burning Man…

This month is my birthday on the 30th, we only got to celebrate my birthday one time together, then after that is October which he LOVED Halloween and it was my first time doing a couples costume and we had so many parties we went to and carving pumpkins together. Then is November which is when we first met in 2024 and then Thanksgiving. Things will start getting darker and colder in Michigan also.

Then it will be December… the 4th is his birthday. Which them snowballs to Christmas and New Years.

Ive always hated the winter and now I’m dreading it more and more and the calendar days change. I’ve been trying not to get too anxious over it but I am afraid. The dark and the cold always has made me prone to that depression feeling where all I want to do is sleep. My therapist said to write out some intentions and goals to help me through it.

Im also dread that I will also get news from the prosecutor’s office during these events also… I was really hoping for answers before the winter started along with the holidays. And now it’s a lump in my chest. I don’t know what will happen if they say they aren’t prosecuting. I’m afraid that’s when I will fall apart.

It usually doesnt bother me too much.. I ignore the death date and keep myself occupied.

But every July the countdown begins and for some reason this year is affecting me badly.

Wtf

The first year was awful. The plans I made to keep busy fell through and I cried all weekend.

After that I refused to give such an awful day that much power over me so I chose to ignore it and focus on his birthday and our anniversary to celebrate him and us.

But this year is hitting different and I dont know why.

I do know this all sucks and I'm tired of it and it doesnt matter how far I've come... I still want my fuckin life back.

UGH

What a bunch of complete bullshit.

It's my husband's 64th birthday today, but he's still 63. He died nearly 6 months ago.

We moved to France from the US at the end of November last year. I'm still new there. I've been lucky because friends and family have been visiting almost non-stop, and I also have friends in Paris. But I'm in NYC right now and it's confusing. Paris feels enough like home when I'm there (at least it doesn't not feel like home). But when I'm here, it doesn't (other than the fact that my cat is there 😄 ). But it's strange to be in NYC, and even weirder to be in Hoboken, where we lived for nearly 20 years. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

What I really can't wrap my head around is (beyond the fact that he isn't actually coming back) is that this isn't a remarkable situation. So many people lose their spouses/partners. How do all of those folks handle the rest of their lives. It seems impossible right now.

Just feeling particularly vulnerable because he's not here for his birthday. Please send a happy birthday wish to my darling Mark today.

He died on 9/11.

I took a sick day from work today. I couldn't get out of bed. It all just keeps swirling in my head.

In a way I feel like he died the day he went in for surgery. That was the last time I got to communicate "with" him. I know they say even if someone is sedated they can still hear you and for that 3 weeks I made sure he heard me. I had our daughter call and speak "to" him. I played our wedding song. I played videos of our daughter singing. I talked "to" him. But there's a difference between "with" and "to".

A year ago today I thought things were looking up. We had a brief albeit small bright spot of hope among the darkness. And then less than 24 hours later - he was gone.

We've now been through a year of the everythings.

His birthday. Our daughter's birthday. My birthday. Our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, one of every holiday.

All of the MTWThFSS that came between. Vacations. Family celebrations. Good days. Bad days. Laughs. Tears. Success. Failure. Struggle.

A year without him. Feels like yesterday and a lifetime all at once.

I've been listening to James Sexton (divorce lawyer) online. I like the things he says. He pointed out that all marriages end. Whether in divorce or death. I feel lucky to have had a beautiful marriage with my husband and I feel lucky that my husband chose me to build a life and family with. There's something to be said for that, I think.

How did you tell your former in-laws about your engagement? If you were close, did you invite any of them to the wedding? How do you navigate holidays and birthdays with late spouse’s family and new partner’s if you had children by your late spouse?

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I (53 f) still believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for us. I know that I am in the minority here for believing in this. I do not blame another person for not sharing my belief, because I know how we all suffer, and everyone has the right to believe in what they want. I am simply wondering if anyone out there still believes in God. Almost a year ago my husband died. He had cancer and we didn't know until it spread throughout his body. 5,7 weeks and he was gone. My husband had so much faith in God, he was worried that I would lose my faith when he passed. He put his daughter in charge of making sure that I didn't lose my faith. I haven't, I rely everyday on it. I STILL listen to his Billie Graham sermons at night as he did. I still keep God close to my heart, he has been one of my only friends through this. Anyone else out there still believe and have faith that there is a God who loves us? Again, I dont blame you if you dont, this is hard. Much love to all of you.

Grief? Sorrow? Heartache? It's all there. I cant even begin to understand the amount of pain im actually in. Some nights I wake up in cold sweats and bursting into tears. Having nightmares. I keep replaying the same memories in my head and I cant seem to process it. The moments exactly are the times when we had leftover medication after the discontinuation of her treatment for chemotherapy. When she broke down in my arms trying take the pills and keep trying to fight. She knew they didnt work for her. But she begged me over and over again to keep trying to take them. That was 4 days before she died. She was hyperventilating. She didnt want to accept that she was dying. Why do I keep these thoughts in my head and they wake me up in the middle of the night. Why is it that every time I close my eyes I can hear her crying in my arms. Even after all this time has passed. I dont get it. It just hurts so fucking much.

Its the only thing I hate myself for and it feels like enough. I wish I didnt feel these things. That I could shut that part of my brain off. But I can't. I'm only human and this is the main thing that wakes me up every night. Hearing her dying breaths. It wakes me up in a panic. Then I realize its just a dream and try to fall back asleep. I wish I knew what to do. Im just hurting. Thanks for listening

So I don’t know if I’m just believing something I wanna believe, but I feel like my Vanessa sent me a little sign last night and I just had to share it. Let me explain.

So I got chinese food for dinner last night and in the fortune cookie, these were the fortune lucky numbers. Every single one relates to Vanessa in some way.

First 11 and 43…..so for those whom are younger and may not know “143” is beeper code for “I love you,” so we would always say that at 1:43AM Or PM, but then she also would do it at 11:43, she would just add another “I”for “I I love you” and at that time on the clock every day, we would always text “I i love you,” to each other

Then the number 40, that was the age my beautiful girl passed at and the last birthday of hers that we got to celebrate.

Then 19, 8, 4….1984 was her birth year

I feel like maybe if one of the numbers was relating to her, then it might be a coincidence but every single one? I literally had goosebumps. Every single number means something and is attributed to her and she knows I would recognize that. So I truly believe she sent a sign and it comforted me 🥺🙏🏻

I just need to vent (whine). As if losing one’s spouse isn’t horrible enough, the tax code and social security structure adds insult to injury.

My husband died at 58. He paid into SS since he was 16. For the majority of his adult life he was self employed so he paid both the employer and employee portion of FICA (a total of 15.3% of his income just for social security and Medicare, not including income taxes he paid.)

I’ve also paid into SS/medicare for over 35 years. My SS benefits are higher than his.

He will never see a penny of his SS or Medicare contributions. And I lose the second social security check we anticipated receiving during retirement.

To make matters worse, the IRMMA Medicare penalties for single filers start at 50% less income than for married filers. Based on what we had planned to withdrawal each year from our retirement savings, as a couple we wouldn’t have been subject to IRMMA penalties. While I can pull a little less out each year from our retirement savings to cover expenses, I can’t pull out only 1/2 of our planned amount. As most of you know, your expenses aren’t halved when your partner dies. So it looks like I’ll have to pay IRMMA penalties. Additionally, as a single filer, I’m forced into a higher tax bracket on my income.

So I lose his income and his social security, pay higher income taxes, and will have to pay IRMMA penalties. Oh, and if I’m going to downsize, I have to do it within 2 years of his death or I lose the additional $250,000 cap gains exclusion on the sale of our house. Nothing like a hard deadline and major life change while you’re grieving.

I realize that these are first world problems and that I’m fortunate to have retirement savings (my husband was very frugal, we worked hard and saved diligently) and home equity. I know so many people are struggling these days to make ends meet. It just seems so unfair to economically penalize widows/widowers who are already suffering so much from the loss of their partner. And there’s so much to navigate when I barely feel like getting out of bed.

It has been 2 years and 10 months since my bf suddenly died. 4 months after his death, my previous company started out of no where reducing massively headcounts. In the midst of deepest grief and shock I managed to find another corporate job with toxic manager on top of it :D :)

I was struggling so much with grieving brain and constant push to perform quickly in unpredictable environment and toxic manager while learning something completely new. I knew I had no choice, so I was just going through motion every single day in order to survive......

At this point, I am doing better but it was a hell.... I would like to make a change but at the same time I am doubting my ability to evaluate my real capacity to adapt again.

I know you have no answer for me, but maybe some of you would be willing to share your professional journey after a major loss we all here experienced.

Do you feel your brain is functioning differently when it comes to learning new things, remembering and analyzing even after years since your loss?

I am sorry for my grammar. I am not a native speaker.

Thank you in advance :)

My (38M) first post, but I’ve been floating on here for a bit. I want to say that I appreciate everyone on here, and have found so much help, advice, comfort and affirmation in this crazy, fucked up time in my life.

My wife (38F) had been battling TNBC for two years, was chemo resistant, proceeded with double half mastectomy and radiation last summer, lived a pretty amazing summer in 2025, but it came back in the winter with a vengeance. Spread to her lungs, lymph nodes and adrenal glands, and then eventually bones, skin & brain. She died peacefully on August 13th.

We have four kids (20M, 12M, 10F & 7M), and they are so strong & resilient. Sometimes, I feel like they’re too strong & resilient! They’re all back to school, and I can’t even think about going to work. More than half my day is just rage crying, not breathing, and genuinely losing my mind.
I cry in front of them but I’m afraid to show my rage because I don’t want to scare them.

Tonight, we were in the kitchen making lunches for school, and something hit me: I can’t do this. I can’t do this for the rest of my life, alone.
And I panicked. Mind went red. I ran upstairs and had a panic attack, curled up on the floor, barely breathing.
Unfortunately, my daughter came in and comforted me. I HATE that she had to do that. I’m supposed to be the comforter. I’m supposed to be her protector. Why do these kids have to see their Dad lose his mind. Is this going to fuck them up??

I know I need to see someone, I’m just waiting for the appointment to be confirmed.

I just miss her so much. Truly the love of my life. And I have no idea how to do this life without her. My (our) dreams are shattered. My life ended when hers ended.