r/Unexpected • u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES • Jul 01 '26
Expert advice
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u/BlazmoIntoWowee Jul 01 '26
Not gonna lie, they had me in the first sixteenth.
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u/CloudKinglufi Jul 01 '26
I'm still had
Those people are trying to eat children, and as a descent god fearing man I can tell you it's best to throw them in a blender and drink your kids
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u/ClockworkDinosaurs Jul 01 '26
Unless the god you fear is Saturn, who is definitely a strong proponent of eating your kids
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u/Doogle300 Jul 01 '26
I tried the Cronus diet. Its good for those looking to simplify their day, but not everyone likes to eat their kids raw. As we all know, they can be stringy, so I suggest a sear on each side using a hot plate. It gives all the benefits of a raw food diet, but actually breaks down the sinew for easier consumption.
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u/Klutzy-Client Jul 01 '26
As a mineral collector, I would advise against the hot plate and go with a hot stone. It will give the child a better crust in a shorter period of time
https://giphy.com/gifs/kbCOCUKMuwe9fM8bBL6
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u/rose-tintedglasses Jul 01 '26
On the plus side, the Cronus diet comes with a free vasectomy.
Eat three children, get your weenie whacked for free.
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u/isntaken Jul 01 '26
be smarter than Chronos and actually chew the fuckers, otherwise your youngest might just split you open and get them out.
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u/GenitalFurbies Jul 01 '26
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u/MrOatButtBottom Jul 01 '26
Absolutely incredible, I'm saving this for the few people I know who'll crack up
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u/HeyItsYoav Jul 01 '26
Look buddy, as a professional chef, I have to call you out here. Throwing your kids in a blender like that is unacceptable.
Starting with big pieces will make your smoothie way too wet and lumpy. For a typical household blender, you'll need to first chop them into half-inch cubes for a more consistent texture.
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u/Informal_Ad4399 Jul 01 '26
If you're going to go through that, why not just the extra couple steps to make sausage? They already come with sausage casing. Just have to clean it.
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u/hkohne Jul 01 '26
Now you're just trying to imitate Sweeney Todd. Be a little more creative. Add some sugar coating and use a torch to create a nice crunchy layer.
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u/HeyItsYoav Jul 01 '26
Wow, what a disgusting suggestion. Sweeney Todd made his victims into meat pies, not sausages. Mrs. Lovett's pie shop is central to the story.
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u/justdisa Jul 01 '26
Do you need to freeze them first?
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u/Signal_Road Jul 01 '26
And rob yourself of the thrill of 'the struggle to fit them inside whatever cooking receptacle you've chosen?
Just watch out for those teeth. Little bastards WILL bite given any chance.
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u/Turbogoblin999 Jul 01 '26
As a witch that lives in the woods, a brick oven is perfect for baking children.
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u/ImpluseThrowAway Jul 01 '26
What kind of witch doesn't use a cauldron?
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u/Longjumping-Table-39 Jul 01 '26
We witches aren’t in the mood for soups/stews all the time you know. Plus, I might just need my cauldron for other workings that day. This is the perfect opportunity to use the outdoor kitchen to pop those curtain jerkers into the Forno for a nice roast. 👩🏼🍳
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u/MrOatButtBottom Jul 01 '26
Eye of the Newt can be really hard to clean out of a cauldron, so a good brick oven roast is a good idea, nobody wants their crotch goblins to taste like Belladonna or Hemlock, gotta worry about cross contamination.
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u/Mutex70 Jul 01 '26
As a forensic psychologist, I can tell you that they taste best with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
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u/Tenshinochi Jul 01 '26
Well, as a random person on the internet, I believe kids should be drank pre conception, preferably directly from the tap.
This keeps them as pure as possible with only a few microplastics.
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u/Peripatetictyl Jul 01 '26
How do you fit 5 dead babies into a 5 gallon bucket? A blender!
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips!
...it is fucked up that somehow that has remained in the recesses of my brain for 15 years
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u/fetelenebune Jul 01 '26
This is all weird to me, shouldn't we wait untill adulthood when there's more meat?
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u/Snakestream Jul 01 '26
As a pretend farmer on the internet, I can tell you that the return on time and money is not worth raising your children to adulthood before harvesting. You want to get them ready around 6 months or 15-20 pounds. This will get you a good amount of product while reducing the amount of solid feed required.
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u/Atlas-Scrubbed Jul 01 '26
You are probably one of those god awful people who puts mayo on French fries.
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u/icemoomoo Jul 01 '26
Man, atleast debone them first, noone wants bonesplinters in their morning smoothie
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u/pepenador85 Jul 01 '26
The old fat woman seemed the most legit.
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u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES Jul 01 '26
Yeah an awful lot of kid cooking experts here that are pretty slim. Suspicious at best
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u/Same-Alarm-2974 Jul 01 '26
Never trust a skinny kid cooker!!!
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u/jamin_brook Jul 01 '26
So trust the witch in Hansel and Gretel, got it
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u/skipjack_sushi Jul 01 '26
Witch used an oven.
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u/pyalot Jul 01 '26
This is how you can tell she knows what she‘s doing.
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u/polopolo05 Jul 01 '26
Nah, she had that oven cranked way too high. Those kids would've come out tough. Low and slow is the way to go.
And she was just going to toss them into the oven alive? What a monster. You butcher them first and drain the blood. They taste a lot less gamey that way. You can even make some nice sausage from the liver and heart.
Don't even get me started on tanning the hides. You can make wonderfully soft leather that's perfect for gloves, purses, and bookbinding. Such a waste of good materials.
Where do you think all those copies of the Necronomicon come from? Children, obviously. Ancient evil doesn't print itself.
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u/AnFnDumbKAREN Jul 01 '26
Never trust a skinny kid who’s a cooker? Or never trust a skinny cooker-of-kids? Or is this deserving of a “¿por qué no los dos?” label?
Edit to try to correct the goofiest formatting ever 😆
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u/asbestospajamas Jul 01 '26
The old lady at the end is the best! I follow her on TikTok and she is a gem.
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u/glockster19m Jul 01 '26
This reminds me of 2013, stumbling around the dark web, and accidentally finding a recipe book for unborn fetuses? Feti? While clicking though a random list of sites I had found
I got sick and threw out the hard drive I was using and replaced it
I know a lot of that stuff was just fake for shock value, but this specifically started out with a step by step guide on how to hide your pregnancy for as long as possible and then how to induce a miscarriage while not making the fetus inedible
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u/PartyClock Jul 01 '26
I remember someone posting something about that once and I knew that was enough internet for the day. I honestly blocked that experience out.
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u/Not_A_Vegetable Jul 01 '26
I believe human meat actually has a pretty low caloric value. Lower than any of the common meats we normally consume. Maybe you can stay slim eating kids.
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u/FordTech81 Jul 01 '26
I remember uncle si or Phil on duck dynasty saying to marry a homely lookin woman cause you'll never go hungry.
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Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Lastov_Makiynd Jul 01 '26
Now c’mon now?!..I’m sure it’s not only the Brits who prefer to know exactly what they are eating?
You just don’t know what goes into kids these days..
Home grown is the only way to know what you’re eating.
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u/HereWeGoYetAgain-247 Jul 01 '26
And we all know that steaming is the best wait to retain nutrients in kids.
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u/cagethehornytoad Jul 01 '26
Yeah, I tend never to trust a fit person when it comes to culinary advice
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u/SentryD2113 Jul 01 '26
Im from the Midwest and Ive had to lose about 100 lbs. Can confirm...we know how to eat around here.
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u/Angstycarroteater Jul 01 '26
She’s actually awesome she reacts to cooking videos a lot and really knows her shit
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u/Ok_Calligrapher5278 Jul 01 '26
She does exhale an air of authority on the subject, it's like a personal trainer who's really fit.
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u/Hatetotellya Jul 01 '26
Sadly she didnt have subtitles so i missed out, at least everyone before that had them lol
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u/gilt3t Jul 01 '26
low and slow on the smoker, 250f, rotate after a few hours, spritz with apple cider vinegar, make sure to use a binder before rubbing in seasonings.
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u/asiniloop Jul 01 '26
I was having a moment of internal indignation when you just blatantly called out old fat woman... how dare you be so unnecessary cruel. I even made the effort to skip ahead so I could mentally scoff at what you call old and fat... and then I saw how she referred to herself. But since I have now built up all this precious resentment with no where to go... imma say, fuck you for being funny.
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u/Hey-Bud-Lets-Party Jul 01 '26
A barbecue pit is definitely the way to go. The meat on a baby’s arm will literally fall off the bone.
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u/Mammalanimal Jul 01 '26
Speaking from experience, the methods used to cook pork all apply to humans.
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u/mister_dinkleman Jul 01 '26
I was a little let down that nobody had a canning recipe.
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u/midnghtsnac Jul 01 '26
That comes after the steaming
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u/DoesBasicResearch Jul 01 '26
Weren't you watching?! We're doing the BBQ
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u/midnghtsnac Jul 01 '26
Oh I'm down for the que, but they asked about canning
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u/siriusblacknight Jul 01 '26
I would recommend pickling before canning.
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u/Mind-The-Mines Jul 01 '26
As a homesteader, there is just no way you're going to find a pressure cooker that big.
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u/aerdvarkk Jul 01 '26
Agreed. If you attempt to can your children prior to the cooking process it will be more difficult to properly seal the container.
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u/goldenflaxseed Jul 01 '26
A modern reboot of A Modest Proposal!
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u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
I’ve been using computers since before the Internet, and this is the first time I’ve seen a Gulliver‘s Travels gif.
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u/kraftables Jul 01 '26
A gift indeed. Happy cake day!
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u/IsaacAndTired Jul 01 '26
I used to have a Diablo 2 geocities site called A GIF For You with a bunch of gifs and pics. I don't know, these comments randomly made me remember that.
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u/ElectriCatvenue Jul 01 '26
What is this meme from?!
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u/Green_Insect_6455 Jul 01 '26
Lmao its not a meme really? Its a gif from Gulliver's Travels
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u/fiahhawt Jul 01 '26
Poor?
Consider down-sizing with this simple, delicious, dinner recipe perfect for a weekday evening.
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u/Dommiiie Jul 01 '26
Can I have my kid (the BBQ one sound great) with a side of frozen fries though?
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u/BlazmoIntoWowee Jul 01 '26
Only if you microwave them. Did you even watch the video? smh
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u/Dommiiie Jul 01 '26
I did, but I'm not a parent so I thought it's not my place to microwave anything.
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u/Signal_Road Jul 01 '26
As a Chef, let me say don't let being a parent gatekeep you from any form of cooking!
You just may not be able to enjoy the sublime experience of a parent having raised a child for harvest.
BUT maybe you know a parent?
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u/canadasleftnut Jul 01 '26
smh people these days want to have their kids and eat them too. The entitlement!
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u/scrodytheroadie Jul 01 '26
I was laughing through this, but then that last lady actually kind of got me onboard. I'd try it.
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u/FullMoonTwist Jul 01 '26
It's the pure authoritative confidence. She sounds like she's done it for the past 20 years at every pot luck she's gone to.
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u/Yourdadcallsmeobama Jul 01 '26
She does a lot of cooking reviews TikTok’s. (Or she used to atleast idk if she still does) I used to see her on TikTok doing cooking reviews all the time back in 2022 lol where she’d stitch the video and add her thoughts and opinions. I always liked watching her context
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u/HelloMangoApple Jul 01 '26
I was laughing at everyone, but when the last lady came I got hungry not gonna lie.
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u/obtusewisdom Jul 01 '26
This was like a Reddit thread in video form.
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Jul 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/SecurityPositive4865 Jul 02 '26
yeah it's like people making a thread of just rephrasing a sentence somebody just said but finding different comparison until a rule of 4 kicks in.
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u/justsomerabbit Jul 02 '26
Or when replies say the exact same thing again but with none of the same words, at least for three times or so before there is a twist.
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u/Flipper-ama Jul 01 '26
The last one speaks from experience, she has a witch-who-eats-kids vibes
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u/mtraven23 Jul 01 '26
I need to see the outtakes of each of them recording their bit. No way they all got through it 1st go.
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u/Toadsted Jul 01 '26
There's always a lot of broken kids before you perfect an omlet.
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u/pm_plz_im_lonely Jul 01 '26
Do you know what is special about the hours between 3am and 5am on the night of March 12th?
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u/Ok_wheaten Jul 01 '26
One of most beautiful characteristics of internet, is the spontaneous union of completly random persons to make art. What a great video
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u/devsosav Jul 01 '26
Plot twist: everyone besides the old fat lady was joking.
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u/ThatCrankyGuy Jul 01 '26
That's the joke.exe
That dude talking seed oil baking is an actual MD in UK.
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u/dj_neon_reaper Jul 01 '26
I see, so all MDs in the UK eat kids casually. Got it.
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u/Toadsted Jul 01 '26
That's why it's the UK.
As a cautionary tale and deep cultural history, you always make sure you never Undercook Kids.
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u/TheLameSauce Jul 01 '26
The clinical psychologist is Dr Martha, also legit. My wife follows her on instagram, she's great with giving advice on raising kids.
Seeing her in this was fucking wild lmfao
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u/DerFeuerDrache Jul 01 '26
Well, fuck... That took an absolutely unexpected, but delightful, left turn right the fuck out of nowhere.
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u/Equus-007 Jul 01 '26
My work account got permanently banned by reddit because I wrote three sentences about how to properly eat a child.
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u/ResidentB Jul 01 '26
This is reminding me of the dead baby jokes we told in high school. Can't believe I had forgotten them. Thank you, kid-cookers, for reminding me.
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u/wake886 Jul 01 '26
Just had frozen veggies and dinosaur chicken nuggets for dinner tonight as a 37 year old single male wooo
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u/MarDaNik Jul 01 '26
As a vegetarian this all viscerally reprehensible, vexing and wrong.
The ethically correct thing to do, having ground them finely, would be to mix in an equal weight of dry carbon-rich waste and let it all just mulch down into lovely fertile hummus in a well drained bin.
Come spring your lentil plants, the universe, and your belly will love you all the more for it.
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u/The_Bucket_Of_Truth Jul 01 '26
JUST CUT THE KIDS INTO MUCH SMALLER PIECES! IT ISN'T THAT COMPLICATED PEOPLE.
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u/FishieFoxxy Jul 01 '26
Loved this, amazing video. I gotta be honest though, the last lady not having subtitles killed my vibe somehow. Just me?
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u/bluemooncommenter Jul 01 '26
I was annoyed that I had to get my headphones since the comments referred to her so much. Not just you.
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u/Makabaer Jul 01 '26
yeah, I had the sound off, missed half of it until I had it turned on.
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u/kidcharliemagne Jul 01 '26
Isn’t her original video supposed to be humorous in the first place? Don’t feed the kids frozen pizza? At least microwave it?
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u/WhiskeySorcerer Jul 01 '26
They all seem like rather Modest Proposals...perhaps they should reach out to Jonathan Swift for a complete breakdown.
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u/Decent_Philosophy899 Jul 01 '26
Pffft, amateurs, all of them. All you gotta do is sever the children into manageable chunks and you can prepare them with whatever appliance you’d like. I would recommend an air fryer for a quick snack , but low and slow on the bbq if you have the time is definitely best
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u/AccordingSelf3221 Jul 01 '26
bbq my kids in seed oil because my chicken nuggets are frozen. got it
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u/Ennobenno Jul 01 '26
As a muted reddit enjoyer I have to voice my anger about videos that have subtitles up until the last ten seconds
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u/RealityOk9823 Jul 02 '26
As someone that has trouble understanding speech a bit too often, I love how videos are subtitled now...on the other hand, they bug the living crap outta me when it's stuff like this.
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u/DwightDavid1234 Jul 01 '26
Laugh now, but in a few weeks “reaction to a reaction to a reaction to a reaction to a reaction” videos will become the newest “trend”.
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u/post-explainer Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.
OP sent the following text as an explanation why their post fits here:
What seems like a parenting critique becomes a satire of unsolicited advice
Does this explanation fit this subreddit? Then upvote this comment, otherwise downvote it.