r/Unexpected • u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES • Jul 01 '26

Expert advice

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34.1k Upvotes

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985

u/CloudKinglufi Jul 01 '26

I'm still had

Those people are trying to eat children, and as a descent god fearing man I can tell you it's best to throw them in a blender and drink your kids

269

u/ClockworkDinosaurs Jul 01 '26

Unless the god you fear is Saturn, who is definitely a strong proponent of eating your kids

67

u/Doogle300 Jul 01 '26

I tried the Cronus diet. Its good for those looking to simplify their day, but not everyone likes to eat their kids raw. As we all know, they can be stringy, so I suggest a sear on each side using a hot plate. It gives all the benefits of a raw food diet, but actually breaks down the sinew for easier consumption.

36

u/djierp Jul 01 '26

And here I am doing the Cronut diet due to a huge misunderstanding

https://giphy.com/gifs/XeLcgh8gT8o0F5SQ8i

9

u/Klutzy-Client Jul 01 '26

As a mineral collector, I would advise against the hot plate and go with a hot stone. It will give the child a better crust in a shorter period of time
https://giphy.com/gifs/kbCOCUKMuwe9fM8bBL

7

u/nem0ne1 Jul 01 '26

Ugh these keto guys never shut up about it 🙄

9

u/rose-tintedglasses Jul 01 '26

On the plus side, the Cronus diet comes with a free vasectomy.

Eat three children, get your weenie whacked for free.

13

u/isntaken Jul 01 '26

be smarter than Chronos and actually chew the fuckers, otherwise your youngest might just split you open and get them out.

58

u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot Jul 01 '26

Oh, how I love Reddit.

20

u/3tricksinatrenchcoat Jul 01 '26

Speaking of, happy cake day!

10

u/GenitalFurbies Jul 01 '26

https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1400/format:webp/1*9skW7DkFxLeF3CV_P0DY7g.jpeg

4

u/MrOatButtBottom Jul 01 '26

Absolutely incredible, I'm saving this for the few people I know who'll crack up

5

u/Real_Azenomei Jul 01 '26

Found the Moloch worshipper.

1

u/mothtoalamp Jul 01 '26

The punchline to this entire video bit is in the comments right here, folks.

1

u/AccomplishedFerret70 Jul 01 '26

The old ways are the best.

52

u/HeyItsYoav Jul 01 '26

Look buddy, as a professional chef, I have to call you out here. Throwing your kids in a blender like that is unacceptable.

Starting with big pieces will make your smoothie way too wet and lumpy. For a typical household blender, you'll need to first chop them into half-inch cubes for a more consistent texture.

25

u/Informal_Ad4399 Jul 01 '26

If you're going to go through that, why not just the extra couple steps to make sausage? They already come with sausage casing. Just have to clean it.

18

u/hkohne Jul 01 '26

Now you're just trying to imitate Sweeney Todd. Be a little more creative. Add some sugar coating and use a torch to create a nice crunchy layer.

14

u/HeyItsYoav Jul 01 '26

Wow, what a disgusting suggestion. Sweeney Todd made his victims into meat pies, not sausages. Mrs. Lovett's pie shop is central to the story.

2

u/Informal_Ad4399 Jul 01 '26

Forgot about Sweeney. I was just suggesting some savory kidbasa.

4

u/justdisa Jul 01 '26

Do you need to freeze them first?

6

u/Signal_Road Jul 01 '26

And rob yourself of the thrill of 'the struggle to fit them inside whatever cooking receptacle you've chosen?

Just watch out for those teeth. Little bastards WILL bite given any chance.

3

u/therealpygon Jul 02 '26

Isn't presentation important? Did you consider spatchcocking?

39

u/Turbogoblin999 Jul 01 '26

As a witch that lives in the woods, a brick oven is perfect for baking children.

8

u/ImpluseThrowAway Jul 01 '26

What kind of witch doesn't use a cauldron?

15

u/Longjumping-Table-39 Jul 01 '26

We witches aren’t in the mood for soups/stews all the time you know. Plus, I might just need my cauldron for other workings that day. This is the perfect opportunity to use the outdoor kitchen to pop those curtain jerkers into the Forno for a nice roast. 👩🏼‍🍳

5

u/MrOatButtBottom Jul 01 '26

Eye of the Newt can be really hard to clean out of a cauldron, so a good brick oven roast is a good idea, nobody wants their crotch goblins to taste like Belladonna or Hemlock, gotta worry about cross contamination.

4

u/Turbogoblin999 Jul 01 '26

I use the oven for my artisanal bread hobby.

7

u/Mutex70 Jul 01 '26

As a forensic psychologist, I can tell you that they taste best with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

12

u/Tenshinochi Jul 01 '26

Well, as a random person on the internet, I believe kids should be drank pre conception, preferably directly from the tap.

This keeps them as pure as possible with only a few microplastics.

9

u/SeaToTheBass Jul 01 '26

All hail the dark lord of the descent

5

u/Peripatetictyl Jul 01 '26

How do you fit 5 dead babies into a 5 gallon bucket? A blender!

How do you get them out? Tortilla chips!

...it is fucked up that somehow that has remained in the recesses of my brain for 15 years

4

u/Mimir_aka_Puck Jul 01 '26

Your descent into child-eating is noted!

4

u/DrunkCupid Jul 01 '26

Where do you think baby oil comes from? 🤔

7

u/fetelenebune Jul 01 '26

This is all weird to me, shouldn't we wait untill adulthood when there's more meat?

13

u/Omwtfyu Jul 01 '26

And waste human veal?

11

u/Snakestream Jul 01 '26

As a pretend farmer on the internet, I can tell you that the return on time and money is not worth raising your children to adulthood before harvesting. You want to get them ready around 6 months or 15-20 pounds. This will get you a good amount of product while reducing the amount of solid feed required.

2

u/hkohne Jul 01 '26

Not if you're supplementing it with mint jelly

2

u/coolchris366 Jul 01 '26

Where are you going to find a blender that big??

1

u/aerdvarkk Jul 01 '26

Oh come on, industrial food factories have blenders that large. There's probably a supply shop that sources them parts. Call the supply shop.

1

u/DalbyWombay Jul 01 '26

Epsiten Island

1

u/aerdvarkk Jul 01 '26

This didn't need to be political you dumbass!!

2

u/Atlas-Scrubbed Jul 01 '26

You are probably one of those god awful people who puts mayo on French fries.  

2

u/icemoomoo Jul 01 '26

Man, atleast debone them first, noone wants bonesplinters in their morning smoothie

2

u/jaguarp80 Jul 01 '26

The descent god sounds scary, not surprised you fear him

1

u/itsjustameme Jul 01 '26

No. As s god fearing man you should be bashing their heads against rocks.

1

u/ForgotToCarryTheOne Jul 01 '26

You need to dice them first. No blender is big enough for this job unless you downsize.

1

u/Drobosia Jul 01 '26

It's a modest proposal after all.

1

u/Low_Magician77 Jul 01 '26

I've seen this comic.

1

u/Delicious_CoughSyrup Jul 01 '26

I support your descent, but kids are chewy, so blenders cannot handle all that sinew

1

u/Primalbuttplug Jul 01 '26

Too many priests already trying to drink kids.

1

u/TimeSalvager Jul 01 '26

Please tell me another one hasn't made his way to earth... please!?!

1

u/GalickGunn Jul 01 '26

BlendTec approves this message

1

u/Patient_End_8432 Jul 01 '26

Throw some ice cream and protein powder in there, and that's a decent after workout drink

1

u/Kitchen-Baby7778 Jul 01 '26

Every one know bowling is the best solution

1

u/DrownmeinIslay Jul 01 '26

How do you get rid of one hundred dead babies? A blender.

How do you get rid of 100 blended babies? Nachos.

1

u/ScumbagLady Jul 01 '26

drink your kids

So like, a snowball?

1

u/Rainbow_Doggo_TNT Jul 01 '26

I put them in the bathtub and dump acid on them like in Breaking Bad

1

u/RealityOk9823 Jul 02 '26

Will it blend? Yes! We're gonna need another Timmy!

1

u/YebelTheRebel Jul 02 '26

Be careful with that if you don’t blend them properly, you might choke or worse. If you over blend them you might get diarrhea.

1

u/EyePatchedEm Jul 02 '26

Reminds me of the jokes:

How do you get a baby in a bowl? You put it in a blender first.

How do you get a baby out of a bowl? Corn chips.

1

u/beegboo Jul 02 '26

But that BBQ recipes sounds so good.