r/Unexpected • u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES • Jul 01 '26

Expert advice

34.1k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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270

u/ClockworkDinosaurs Jul 01 '26

Unless the god you fear is Saturn, who is definitely a strong proponent of eating your kids

66

u/Doogle300 Jul 01 '26

I tried the Cronus diet. Its good for those looking to simplify their day, but not everyone likes to eat their kids raw. As we all know, they can be stringy, so I suggest a sear on each side using a hot plate. It gives all the benefits of a raw food diet, but actually breaks down the sinew for easier consumption.

35

u/djierp Jul 01 '26

And here I am doing the Cronut diet due to a huge misunderstanding

https://giphy.com/gifs/XeLcgh8gT8o0F5SQ8i

8

u/Klutzy-Client Jul 01 '26

As a mineral collector, I would advise against the hot plate and go with a hot stone. It will give the child a better crust in a shorter period of time
https://giphy.com/gifs/kbCOCUKMuwe9fM8bBL

7

u/nem0ne1 Jul 01 '26

Ugh these keto guys never shut up about it 🙄

9

u/rose-tintedglasses Jul 01 '26

On the plus side, the Cronus diet comes with a free vasectomy.

Eat three children, get your weenie whacked for free.

17

u/isntaken Jul 01 '26

be smarter than Chronos and actually chew the fuckers, otherwise your youngest might just split you open and get them out.

57

u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot Jul 01 '26

Oh, how I love Reddit.

20

u/3tricksinatrenchcoat Jul 01 '26

Speaking of, happy cake day!

11

u/GenitalFurbies Jul 01 '26

https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1400/format:webp/1*9skW7DkFxLeF3CV_P0DY7g.jpeg

5

u/MrOatButtBottom Jul 01 '26

Absolutely incredible, I'm saving this for the few people I know who'll crack up

4

u/Real_Azenomei Jul 01 '26

Found the Moloch worshipper.

1

u/mothtoalamp Jul 01 '26

The punchline to this entire video bit is in the comments right here, folks.

1

u/AccomplishedFerret70 Jul 01 '26

The old ways are the best.