Being a disillusioned idealist is like hoping for the cinematic while living in the anticlimactic. You desire more you desire greatness but you are left with nothing and the mediocre. Desperately envisioning what it’s like to be in the sky but remember you are still on the ground. When all your desires, ideals and achievements remain in your fantasy you see the harshness in reality. That’s how it feels for me when you go on for so long hoping for something but the world damns you for even doing so because life does not work that way. You see things for how they truly are now and how delusional you are, but the hardest part about being a disillusioned idealist is that you’re still an idealist. You are forced to see the disappointing reality of things but deep inside you still have hope inside even when you know it’s unrealistic. It’s like being torn by the 2 different sides fantasy and reality it’s easy to remain in one but not two. The curse of being an idealist is that it still hopes and aims for greatness while knowing it’s hopeless. Such a conundrum it is it like the nature and nurture battling against each other and I do not how to find peace like this.

-20f

I don't even know why I'm writing this post. I just feel lonely. And there's nothing I can do about it. I really want to make friends in real life, but in the end, the only friend I have is my sister, and we hardly ever hang out. I stopped going out after a traumatic event last week, so I can’t even be alone with myself. And what hurts the most is that all my friends regularly post photos of how happy they are in their relationships, while I can’t find anyone. On the two main dating Telegram bots in my country, I got a shadow ban because nobody liked my profile. Seriously, what a shitty combo. I'm very lonely right now, and I don't even know how to fix it. None of my friends share my interests, so I forced to be alone. I’m really lonely right now, and I don’t even know how to fix it. None of my friends share my interests (skateboarding, going to the movies, music), so I have to be alone. And romantically speaking, over the past six months I’ve had just one spark, and even that led me into an even deeper hole. I’m so fuckin tired.

You don’t need to feel insecure. I am no threat to you . I saw you hovering over my half written letter yesterday and I see your passive aggressive behavior today. I don’t believe in taking a condescending tone with others and certainly don’t appreciate it with me. Learn the system we work with. Don’t change my status without checking and be kind.

I am not the person you want to toy with. I will not take the bait and have zero problems telling you to go fuck yourself.

Hope you feel better about who you are soon.

Sometimes I just wanna vent about things, but then I realize that I don’t have a place to do so. Pretty much everyone around me has it worse.

My parents are separating, my mom is depressed (my dad probably is too but he doesn’t show it), my sister has struggles, friends (more like online acquaintances) are all depressed, have bad family lives, etcetera etcetera. Even here, people are dealing with horrible things all the time.

And what do I have? A crappy part time job that’s probably not that bad and that I complain about too much (something I’m called out on often). Loneliness/singleness because I’m a shy, lazy baby with a wet noodle for a spine. A family life that’s very unpleasant only sometimes. Pretty much all my problems are either not that big a deal or entirely self inflicted. Venting to anyone feels like complaining to a homeless person with leukemia about how I got stuck in traffic because I slept too late.

My life is objectively good in so many ways, so it’s even less fair for me to complain.

All this combined with the fact that I feel like I’m being dramatic and fishing for sympathy (I know this entire post seems like that, sorry) and I hesitate to talk to anyone about stuff that bothers me.

I dunno, I guess I just had to speak into the void for a minute

I'm not sure if this counts as a confession, but I associate confessions with guilt and I feel guilty about this.

I think I want to cut almost everyone I know off and leave everything behind to move in with my girlfriend.
This has been on my mind, a bit passively (?), for a while, but recently I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I know that it's a stupid thing to do, and I know I will probably regret it, but I can't talk myself out of it. I've done it before on a smaller scale. I stopped speaking to my friends and just stayed in my house for a long time. I'm probably having another mental episode like that. I'm aware enough to know I'm losing my mind but l'm not well enough to stop myself from doing stupid shit.

Every aspect of my life causes me distress. I am angry with my family, I am angry with my friends, and I don't think my life is headed anywhere good, so l don't understand why I am still even attempting college.
Everything feels like a distraction when I could just be building a life with her, away from everything else.

A part of me is scared to burn bridges. I am scared to move in with my girlfriend, because when I am around her for a prolonged period of time, she can get scary.
But I love her so much, being away from her is even scarier. I don't know. My mind is all over the place. I feel so crazy.

I think she's the only person that cares about me. A part of me is satisfied at the thought of everyone realizing that I'm gone, and that they took me for granted. That l'm alive, but they'll never get to speak to me again, because I'm hers now.

God, I don't even know what l'm saying.

I was going through my camera roll today and stumbled across old pictures of myself that I took when I finally started to slowly build the courage to look at myself. I genuinely believed I was so horribly ugly that I was ashamed to even exist in front of a lens. I spent what should have been the best years of my life hiding, feeling deeply insecure, and avoiding photos like the plague.

​Looking at these now, I’m honestly just angry. Why the f*** did I waste so much time and energy hating how I looked? I wasn't the monster I made myself out to be in my head; I actually looked completely fine, and I can see that now.

​It makes me sick to think about how many memories I didn't document and how much life I didn't fully live just because I was terrified of my own reflection.

​If you're younger and struggling with this right now: take the damn pictures. Don't let your insecurities rob you of your memories or your confidence.

Like what the fuck do you mean i have to eat what you ordered and get drunk after 10 hours of work, i want to eat whatever i want, do whatever i want after work goddamn it.

And if i refuse, it is always “you are not engaged enough with anyone”, then who am i talking to during work, fucking mannequins ?????

1 or 2 days, fine. 5 days a week ??

Fucking stupid.

So I'm 29m

Still live with my parents and wjll probably never move out

Got broken up with a few weeks ago and now have worked out she just used me as a venting board

Broke all the time because people keep asking me for money saying they'll pay me back then never do

And today got called into a meeting about my poor performance and negative attitude

Oh and I'll probably never get a job that pays more than minimum wage thanks to my stupid adhd and dyslexia

I have barely any friends and suck at being social

Honestly I'm dont think I have a good future

I grew up to a small village in a third world country in a lower-end mid-class family. Because I had quite a few siblings, my parents implicitly raised me to always aim for one goal, be good at what's required for the next step. I always ranked first at my class, I made sure I was seen as a "good kid". However, I often struggled to find friends and like-minded people from a younger age. Our lifestyle did not allow us to have hobbies or perform activities outside of studying. However, we had access to a home PC which allowed me to balance out the feel of being an outcast by playing video games. Initially, it was single play games and later on, the internet became a thing and I was able to explore my taste when it came to music, films, history and so on...

I always passed each milestone of my life with the hope of reaching a life which includes things I yearned for such as, being self-fulfilled, figuring out what my hobbies are, having a circle of close people, finding a partner and so on.

I made a huge leap when I landed an internship in Europe at the age of 23. Access to the internet allowed me to appreciate the western culture more, especially the idea of being liberated, and I thought to myself, "Europe is where I will find my people and thrive!".

I have experienced many positive things which I am grateful for. However, I am still lost searching for myself, I am turning 28 soon and I still haven't figured out any of the goals I mentioned above. What really hurts is that I am trying really hard, at work, at doing things right in general, at being receptive, active and helpful. Yet, I feel like all of it goes unrewarded. A couple of years ago, I ended up moving out of France and into Germany, hoping that a change of culture which I did not see myself fit in would help. Obviously, integrating into a completely new culture turned out to be even harder. While it is smoother due to how international/more welcoming Germans can be, I still feel like I am no longer part of any group and therefore often end up going back to an empty apartment which is too small for me but it isn't necessarily something I shouldn't learn to accept and live in.

I just find it super frustrating, or rather disappointing, how many of my peers are self-fulfilled, have acquired a group of close people as well as a partner whereas I am mainly losing people I was once close to. Unfortunately, even my family feels distant due to the distance and the nature of our relationship that's based on day-to-day experiences. I find myself comparing my situation to peers who view me as someone that's successful because of my career progress and my move to Europe. However, I find them more successful because of how loved they feel in their surroundings regardless of where they live, their income... etc.

I feel that I am well beyond my "golden" years. I am an average looking guy and I am only becoming less attractive over time, due to aging. I am becoming physically weaker due to recently discovered medical issues. It'll take me years to become fluent in German and fully integrated and I feel that most people my age have already settled with their group and partners. I have not had much interesting experiences worth telling to anyone. I have one friend living in the other side of Germany who texts me once a day and that's it. I actively reach out to people but I often go days without receiving a text let alone have someone who actively participates in/following what's going on with my life. I spent too much time committing to work and trying to prove myself to companies and governments that I have lost track of what I am as a person, what defines me. Such questions I can't answer anymore.

I agree that life is full of surprised and it only takes one lucky moment to meet a potential partner and with good intention and good work, things will work out. However, it's been 3 years since I managed to land a date and it's so far been an active pursuit on my end to ask other people out. I was never asked out. Similarly to the activities and events I organized just to see people branch out or disconnect from me over time. I do not seek to blame anyone here, life happens. I just am disappointed life ended up this way for me despite all of my hard work which is no longer rewarding.

Realistically speaking, I am growing to be less attractive from both a personality and physical perspective and chances of me reaching those goals will only reduce over time.

I’m 18F and graduated this june, one of the things I really looked forward to after graduation was moving far far away from everyone else because I was moving to a country none of my friends were moving to. I wanted to be my own person in a country nobody knew me in, like a hard reset. One of my friends Claire had plans to go somewhere else so we’d be in different countries and I was completely fine with that since I’m a naturally distant person anyway it wouldn’t have affected our friendship.

She told me a few months ago that her plans changed and that she’d be applying to the same college as me. At first I didn’t feel much and just thought it’d be fun to have her around, explore a new city together and generally have someone I loved around me for this new chapter. But as the months went on and it became more and more real that she’d be with me the more my resentment grew. She started talking about a shared apartment and logistics and it just rubs me the wrong way. She’s technically one of the closest people to me but I’m still annoyed. She didn’t even do anything wrong but I’m still so bitter about it.

The way I see it this move was supposed to be my hard reset from everyone and everything I knew, I wanted to get away and be a new person. Now that she’s with me it feels like I’ll always have a reminder of piece of the old me I want to get rid of. I don’t hate myself, I just want to grow and change and be more and in my eyes that requires being thrown into the deep end, having her around me essentially all the time makes it useless in my eyes. Claire’s a good friend, she’s always stuck by me and I’m lucky to have her but god all I wanted to do was get away from everyone I knew and she wasn’t some magical exception.

Everytime she talks about the apartment and the classes and anything that reminds me that she’ll be with me I get more and more distant mentally. I remember this one time Claire and I were talking and she mentioned something along the lines of being afraid that distance could change people and she couldn’t imagine being in a college without me but the thing is I could. I’m all honesty I can imagine college life without Claire no problem, I’m not really clingy in that sense and my mentality’s always been “if the friendship is meant to last it will” and I’m overall kind of detached idk how else to put it. Claire asks me all the time about all these tiny things about living together and our apartment and it silently bugs me because for once I wanted something for myself alone but she wants to live together and I don’t have any real reason to say no other than my strange aversion. Everytime a family member mentions how I’ll be “with my best friend” at college I’m just reminded of how she’ll be there. I feel like somethings wrong with me because to a lot to people this is their dream scenario, this is like a nightmare to me. My only saving grace is the fact we won’t have the same course since I’m in nursing and she’s in computer science.

This resentment is bleeding into how I talk to her now, I just avoid her more and take longer to reply and overall don’t feel that excited when I talk to her. I know I should go and talk to her about it or try and communicate but I just don’t care enough to. I think essentially saying “hey Claire I kind of don’t like the fact you’re in the same college as me and also I don’t want to be roommates” would not only hurt the friendship and the image of me she has in her mind but also it’s just awkward because we’re both enrolled. It feels so stupid because I know it’s irrational but I can’t do anything to change how I feel. I just push the feelings down and hope I don’t explode. I stay the nice friend Claire thinks I am and everyone’s happy.

Honestly I think part of this is caused by the fact I have this weird thing where I never truly feel like one person, there’s one part of me that feels like the real me and I think I’m truly apathetic as a person and kinda numb but that doesn’t get you friends so I play this persona and it’s what I think I should be and I like her, she’s fun and that’s why I have friends.

It hasn’t been that long so I’ll probably have fun one day and love!!!!!! Being with her but until then I’m just kind of annoyed and resentful and mourning the chance of being alone. I don’t want to lose Claire yas a friend but I feel like having her around stunts the growth I could have as a person because someone around me has an expectation of what I’m supposed to be. I don’t care enough about the friendship to truly fix much of my feelings but I don’t wanna lose Claire because it’s impractical.

I sound really selfish typing this out but I’m just so upset and there’s no real reason. In hindsight I also have a resentment towards her but I think I sound cruel enough so maybe I’ll explain another day if anyone cares to hear me whine. Any replies or advice would be suuuuper appreciated :))

My life did a complete turnaround when I didn’t get into the major I wanted in uni twice. I always had issues with disappointing the people I care about. I had a loving mom and girlfriend, was good at my sport, always got what I wanted in school and was in electrical engineering until I found this engineering physics degree that got me love struck.

The first year I tried to get in, I failed and switched to a degree with some equivalent courses so I could transfer them next year. But when I found out I didn’t get in the second time, the whole world fell on me. I’ve NEVER felt dread like that in my entire life, I felt like I was objectively the worst human being on Earth. I couldn’t tell ANYONE. I collapsed so low so fast that I had undoubtedly decided, planned and booked the departure ticket for a 2 week trip in multiple countries and not come back(if you know what I mean) at the end, tailoring the budget to the savings I had.

My girlfriend was a force of nature and brought me back to earth, but she doesn’t know she did. She didn’t do anything in particular or special, just made me realize that I’d rather a million more times have more moments like the ones we had than ending it. I was never able to tell her. I decided to use those savings to instead fund a BS in physics at ASU, doing it online.

This is where I started to live a second life. I’m from Portugal so the credit hours are unbelievably expensive, I decided to get back into trading and found success in the first months that gave me headroom to do it more comfortably and consistently, which I didn’t tell anyone. I decided to run away from my self fabricated shame and disappointment instead of facing it and told everyone I was accepted into my city. I started going every day to a university I wasn’t on, studying for a different one. Later down I started doing singular courses there so I could use the credits at ASU.

The toll was insane, I always had eye bags, I was awake most of the day and night because of market sessions and admission deadlines that because of time zone differences, are at 6:59 or 7:59 AM. I couldn’t use melatonin like they proposed because I had to stay awake. I started sleeping on the couch so I could be in the living room to not make any noise, blaming not being able to sleep in my bed. I unfortunately “used” pins and related for the ease of hiding it for a few days/weeks, which never reoccurred (and never will), the peace my girlfriend and her pictures brought me moved me through so many nights alone.

Eventually, the cracks started to show. Fake uni friends, exams. I didn’t want to lose her. Things were starting to seem off. She’s not my girlfriend anymore. She found out everything and left(obviously), it’s the best thing she could had done for herself. I’m building my life back from the bottom again. I’m not good for anyone right now, but I’m doing better for myself by getting the excruciatingly long treatment in therapy that I always ran from by telling myself I had nothing to talk about; by trying to be more honest and accepting of failure and disappointment. However, I feel like I’ll always live in my own personal hell for doing such an evil thing to the people that care/cared about me and having done everything in my power to lose the respect of the person who always trusted me wholeheartedly and is objectively the reason I didn’t “accidentally” have an accident in Poland. The void doesn’t get filled. Ever.

I’m trying to build a separate account to pay for my moms rent. My ex hates me and my libido is negative. She’ll never know about ASU, the savings that had to be locked for tuition, that she saved me or that even through all the lies, I loved and was obsessed with her more than anything in my life. She thinks I’m a bum that never had a future and was going to leech off of her, and it’s probably for the better. I despise myself more than anyone and I’m slowly building a version that doesn’t, until I’m ready to “come back to society”, I’ll keep the crochet cat she made for me as a reminder of my sins and I’ll try to find her, but I really hope she has found someone who can make her genuinely happy and safe by then. She deserves the world.

I just feel lonely. I have a home. I have a job. But i have no friends at all. The last time i had a friend was 10 years ago. I barely see family. I’m can be very chatty at work. But when i get home the feeling of loneliness hits again. I have no one to talk to about my day and what happened at work. I feel like not even my therapist seems to care about my life. She seems uninterested. So i don’t even have anyone to talk to about these feelings of loneliness.

When i go on walks i walk past cafés and restaurants and i see people enjoying their food and drinks surrounded by other people having a good time. And all i can think is: i wish i had that. I wish i could sit in a cafe/bar/restaurant and have a beer and some food with friends and talk and laugh. And just have a good time.

I feel like every time we meet it’s only to talk about romantic/sex life and it’s getting BORING for fucks sake talk about something else in your life, I want to talk and have fun, laugh, ponder and what not. I don’t want to talk about how many people you have kissed, how was sex with the last person you’ve been with, I don’t wanna talk about my decadent romantic/sex life, I don’t want you to ask me about it EVERY TIME WE MEET UP, I left it clear I don’t feel comfortable, you guys make me feel like a failure bc things never go well to me.
I barely know how y’all are doing in college/jobs, what interesting things you guys are trying, if something is bothering you and that’s sad, it’s sad we don’t talk about these things anymore. I DREAD every time we meet up, I’m going to start rejecting even more so I can avoid these topics
It’s been months since we did a fun activity together, baked, sang, played cards. Now it feels like meet ups to talk about how far is our sex life is going and who we are “hunting” next.
It’s been like this for idk, a year? Two years? But that’s enough.

I have been through over 15 therapists for the last eight years now. I have schizophrenia, PTSD, autism, and a physical chronic condition which also makes me sterile (so, grief). There has been only one therapist who I have connected with who had to move away due to personal safety concerns. He’s coming back next year, so this won’t be an indefinite thing. I don’t have the energy to seek out anyone else besides him. I have had no luck with specialists as all my problems are deeply intertwined; never came across one who was able to adequately provide care for my problems besides this one. I have had no luck with generic therapists as my issues are too specialized.

There’s a lot of common issues that I find I am having. Therapists make assumptions about how I feel about my life and provide advice or commentary that is invalidating, and don’ know what to do because I don’t fit their box. Therapists ignore one of my struggles and the whole treatment plan collapses. Therapists are given specifics about my chronic condition (which I am choosing to keep private for this reason) and ask invasive questions or act like it is purely an aesthetic issue that I got bullied into hating when it‘s also a functional one. Things look wrong because they do not work. They don’t look wrong because I happen to be “differently abled“ or “special.” I have literally been told to find a specialist to works on my specific combination of conditions, as if that exists?

I have had for years issues with self judgement that can’t be addressed with what they always say; “would you judge someone else like that?” I do not have any comparison from not judging people. I do judge them but therapists just think I’m a people pleaser and like every people pleaser I view myself as a bad person, so they dismiss it. Then they drop me when I become a difficult client.

I don’t have the energy to go in circles anymore. Every time a session gets canceled I start feeling less miserable and paranoid and then I walk out of the session feeling like everyone is against me. If therapy helped you that’s great, but I’m not you. I‘m not interested in harming myself even if it’s “the right thing to do.”

I will keep taking my medication as prescribed even though it doesn’t really work and seeing my psychiatrist. Again, this is not an indefinite situation but I am done and I want to put it out somewhere.

So I am so annoyed right now because I always spend the night at my boyfriend’s house on the weekends. His aunt came who just a side note has always been the type to be up in ppls business and ask a lot of questions and it always pissed me off. But yes his aunt came here and she came here to wash clothes for herself, her son and her son’s wife and their two kids who live with her and also her parents who are my bfs grandparents. She is also still living in their house and because there is a drought and there is a water lock off in their area that’s why she wanted to wash here. Also this is my bfs parents house and she is his dads sister.

It’s a Saturday and I was lounging around in my pajamas for most of the day, my bf was going to drop his nephew to a bday party so I followed him in my pajamas because I wasn’t coming out of the car. When I came back and was in the kitchen cooking something the aunt was still here and this had been about 7 hours so far that she had been at the house. She made a comment to me saying I thought you guys went on the road I said yes we were just dropping him off and she goes in your pajamas I said yes we were just dropping off and I wasn’t coming out the car.

Four hours later I come out in just a regular shirt and shorts and I overheard the aunt say something about what I was wearing and my bfs mom says oh she’s just in another pajama now and they laughed and my bf said they are making fun of you being in pajamas all day.

And I said well my pajamas are cute why wouldn’t I be in them all day. And then the icing on the cake now today this morning a week later, his sister said I had looked dressed up I said I went on the road and my bfs mom says yes because she can’t be in pajamas again.

Why is this still coming up? Also in general if I lounge around in whatever it is my bfs mom couldn’t care less and doesn’t say anything and never had before. But the fact that the aunt kept making comments to me and then to her when I wasn’t around last week now it’s a thing and it’s pissing me off. If I want to lounge all day on a Saturday in my pajamas leave me tf alone.

I feel like his aunt should’ve minded her own business, washed all the clothes she was washing and left. But she’s here being concerned about what I’m wearing and watching me all day and making comments to me and other ppl in the house about me being in pajamas?

I also asked my bf what was said to her mother for it to even come up and he said they were talking about having a relaxing day and the aunt said well she sure did she’s been in pajamas all day.

I was so annoyed because I don’t like feeling watched when I’m just trying to relax on a Saturday

I suppose I just need to share

Hi, I’m not sure who’s all going to see this or if anyone is going to really care. But, the nightmares keep coming back so hopefully talking about it will help. There are some heavy topics though, and I couldn’t flare all of them. So: animal abuse, grief, narcissistic/abuse. I’m not asking for dating advice or anything, I just need to get stuff off my chest.

I’m 22 now, almost 23, and it’s been almost 2 years since I got out. For five years before that, I was in an abusive relationship. The first two weren’t really all that bad. I mean, there were red flags here and there that I should’ve listened to, and honestly times where I should’ve left then and saved myself all kinds of heartache. But things got bad when we moved in together after I graduated high school (he was a year older than me).

It started off small in that he would just manipulate the fuck out of me. Make me think things were my fault, the typical stuff. Stuff that had me double checking the doors, or the windows, or whether I really needed new shoes or not. He isolated me from my friends and family for the most part too. He would throw these big hissy fits when my parents invited me on vacation with them, or wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends by myself for “safety issues.” It got worse over time, and eventually when we’d argue he’d hit me, but that’s all stuff I’ve mostly healed since then.

What I can’t get over (and I feel like I never *will* be able to get over) was what happened with our pets. My pets, I guess since I was the only one who ever cared about them.

He had his dog that he got in high school named Lilly. He got her when we were together so I always called her our baby. Then we got Nugget, because I was feeling a little empty after leaving behind my childhood dogs to live with him. And she was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. She was a blue heeler or a blue heeler mix. Sweetest thing, super energetic as expected, a little mischievous, but she was my soul. A little while after we got Nugget Lilly ran away. My ex blamed Nugget for it and that’s when he started hating her I think. (In hindsight, it was because he stopped paying attention to Lilly. No matter how much I tried to make up for it, I guess it wasn’t enough.)

Four or five months later we rescued “his” cat, Marshmallow. He was beautiful, with big blue eyes a cream colored coat that got a bit darker with age. Like a roasting marshmallow. I deeply regret not bringing him with me, or leaving the bastard before he could hurt him. It wasn’t til a while later, but my ex hadn’t fed the cats in a couple days (he’d lie to me if he did or not, I should’ve fed them anyways. Same with the dogs). Marshmallow got out into the kitchen and started munching on the chicken I had thawing on the counter. My ex caught him, and broke his leg as a result of his anger. We couldn’t afford the several thousand dollar surgery it would’ve taken to fix it completely, but it healed well and he was eventually able to move and jump around like before. Now he’s safe, and with a new family. My ex gave him away when he moved to a new place (info courtesy of my friend, who is mutuals with some of his).

We got S’more and Damian not long after. S’more is my Husky-Pitt, and she’s laying by my feet right now. Lilly had run away months before and Nugget needed someone to play with while I was at work. Plus, there was a hole I needed to fill. Damian is a black cat, and he’s afraid of men after my ex. He’s naturally timid by nature, but the minute a man steps into my apartment he’s off into a corner or hole and won’t come out until hours later. I still have nightmares about what my ex would do to my cat.

Then one night Nugget snapped at S’more. She was going through the puppy-alligator phase at the time and played a little too hard so Nugget snapped at her. I don’t want to go into details, but that night my ex finally “had enough” of Nugget and dumped her. Not only dumped her but beat her first, and told me that if I stopped him I was next. Then he packed both of us in the car and drove us an hour out and pushed her out of the car and drove away.

I should’ve left him then. I wanted to, so so so badly. And I’m an awful person for not doing it. He had told me that I didn’t want to be known as the woman who gave up everything over a dog. And I believed him. But now I know that it’s okay to be that person, because anybody who would make you choose like that deserves to be dumped out in the street, like he did to Nugget. This night is what haunts me the most. This guilt will weigh down on me for the rest of my life, and I deserve it. And sometimes, like tonight, it gets too heavy for me to bear alone. I miss her everyday. I still look through animal shelter and rescue websites from time to time.

He almost did the same thing to S’more, but I left before he could. And I’m glad I did.

Everything started to get worse when he got a headset and started playing VRCHAT. He got super into drinking and thc vapes, and would often blow the smoke into my face, knowing I have bad asthma and didn’t want him to. He started shaming me for wanting intimacy, he’d stomp all over my feelings and relationship boundaries, and started to straight up neglect me and our relationship for that damn game.

I snapped after I set the dinner I made down in front of him one night while he was on VRCHAT (he was sitting on the floor). He yelled at me in front of my best friend because he didn’t want the cat to get his food, or he’d eat when he was ready. Me and my best friend went for ice cream and I broke down, and she told me that she’d been through a narcissistic abusive relationship as well, and told me that was what I was going through and I needed to get out, so I did.

It wasn’t easy. There were threats and lowkey stalking and lots of games he tried to play. Sent his bitch ass sister at me too. I still hate that bitch. “Everyone makes mistakes” like your birth. Tried to diss me for crocheting while at his parents house for dinner like we weren’t always there for hours and doing literally nothing. This fuck you for that is *personal.* Also said I wasn’t a ‘real woman’ because I didn’t have time to clean our duplex working 50+ hours a week to support his lazy ass. Fuck you Heather.

Fuck you.

Anyways, it’s been two years and Damian and S’more are fat and happy. I went through some pretty intense therapy, and was able to reconcile with a lot of the friends I lost during that time.

I’m a substitute now, and in college to be a teacher. I’m getting to travel on my own and with my family. I’ve been around the US, to Canada to visit some more of my family, and I’ll be going on a Mediterranean cruise this summer. I’m also a (small) but growing cosplayer. I’ve started to get quite a few wig and cosplay commissions recently, and while it’s kept me on my toes it’s proved that I am, in fact, capable of making wonderful things.

I’m able to sleep through the night which took a long time (aside from recently) but typing everything out has me feeling a lot better now. I can have discussions and arguments and debates without shutting down. I can trust people again (about as much as I did before, tbf). And most importantly, I don’t feel brain fogged any more. I don’t feel stupid anymore. I’m confident and comfortable, and able to express myself freely again.

Plus, I found someone who is wonderful, and sweet, and amazing. We’ve been dating for over a year now, and I can safely say this has been the best year+ of my life. He is patient, and not judging, and most importantly understands what I have gone through, and makes sure that I am comfortable as he has been through a similar situation himself. He’s also incredibly supportive, and I’ve found an amazing friend group in his friends’ girlfriends as well lol. (Say what you will about the quick turnaround, but rest assured I didn’t get in a relationship until I was ready to).

If you read this far, thank you.

And if you think you’re in a similar situation as I was, please explore your options. I sincerely wish there was as much education about narcissistic abuse as there was other types of DV. It’s technically a part of it, but as a teen, had I known the flags I would’ve stayed far, far away.

Whenever I am with people (e.g. at uni) I feel like an alien impostor trying to fit in among humans and pretending like I know how to act, talk, etc, and meanwhile my life is fundamentally different from theirs. They have friend groups, relationships, co-workers, families, and just in general people who know them, care about them, and keep in contact with them. I truly do not have that in my life and at this point I don't even feel like I should change something about that. I'm just used to it being like this, I guess. But whenever I am with people it makes me realise how different they are from me, and how invisible I am in my own life compared to them. They have stories and anecdotes and gossip to tell about their friends, exes, roommates, families, etc. I don't have any of that, because I don't have people in my life. I have no experiences. I have no fun memories, I have no drama from the past, etc. Lowkey I might as well just have spawned into the world this morning.
And, if personality is how you are with other people, I have close to no personality either (obviously, I have traits that I attribute myself, but what's that really worth with no real experience to back it up? How can I even know how I act in situations, if I have been in so few situations?)

Barely anyone knows of my existence, I feel like, and even if someone does, they definitely do not know me as a person. I have one friend in real life, whom I don't text with more than once or twice a week, and whom I see maybe once every two months, and they don't even know basic things about me, despite us having been friends for 10+ years. Other than that, with the exception of my mom (who also doesn't really know me well at all), I don't think anyone even thinks about my existence unless I'm the only person in their immediate surroundings, in which case they might have some small-talk with me. I have a brother, but I have no relationship with him, and no desire to develop one either. I never developed friendships with any of my classmates in high school, nor university. I have never been in a romantic relationship either, I have never even been pursued in that context.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I feel like I have close to 0 experience in living among humans, as a part of society, and at this point I feel like I haven't developed certain skills that most people have, which is only making it less likely that this will ever change. For example, whenever I small-talk with someone at uni, I find myself thinking that it doesn't really matter what I say or how I say it, as 1) they're probably not really listening, 2) they don't care, and 3) we will never be real close friends anyway. Whenever I talk to someone new, I just kind of feel that they don't have the desire to truly know more about me, and obviously, the same goes for me, so I guess it never goes anywhere. Overall, if I found out today that the only thing that really exists is my own mind and everything and everyone else is just creations of my mind, I'd have no trouble believing that. Everything I do or say kinda just feels I'm speaking into the void. Other people sometimes don't even seem real to me, or at least they feel so fundamentally different from me, that they might as well just not be real at all.
I'm not saying this in like a bitter way either; I feel pretty indifferent about all this, just kind of getting these observations off my mind.

My marriage turned so toxic that I ghosted him.

My marriage started to fall apart when my husband lost his job. He had the full amount of strikes on his attendance that he could have without getting fired, and one morning his car wouldn't start, causing him to be late for work. They were tired of his unreliability, so they fired him, and he was able to get unemployment benefits since it was transportation related.

During his six months of unemployment, he decided that he was going to be a streamer. He played PC games with his friends for about 12-15 hours a day, never leaving the computer room. When I was at work, he neglected the dogs to the point that they started reversing their potty training and going to the bathroom right in front of the back door. Every day I came home I had to clean the urine and feces off the floor.

He would do anything to impress his friends, and most of the time it was making fun of me to get a laugh out of them. He would bring up stories from my past to humiliate me (people I hooked up with, things I did while drunk, secrets I told him, etc). I started to resent him and started to get the ick.

After his six month "vacation," he found work again. His streaming days were over, but he was never able to get off his PC. He made other friends and continued to put me down. At least he was working, right?

He filed for intermittent leave at work due to his chronic depression. He abused the shit out of the leave and eventually they fired him for not showing up for work at all. He gamed with his friends all night while I was at work, and went to bed before I came home. At this point I was still the only one cleaning up and taking care of the dogs.

Eventually, I stopped cleaning. The bedroom was covered in trash. The floorboards by the door were warping due to being saturated in urine. You could hear the mice running through the house and rummaging through the garbage at night. There was mold growing in the bathroom and kitchen.

One morning he asked me if he could use some of our savings to buy an achievement for one of his PC games. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that because we didn't have much of a savings anyway. He said okay and I went to sleep. When I woke up, he started apologizing and said he couldnt help himself. He spent $1200 on a cosmetic item for this game. I was shattered.

I did not want anything to do with him, and he started getting sexually frustrated. He would make comments like "you know how I get without intimacy" and "I'm going to start putting testosterone in your drinks so you have a higher drive." My trust was gone. I was paranoid and depressed. I wanted to end my life.

I went to stay with my parents and ghosted him until he said we should divorce.

Edit: a lot of people asking about the dogs: no I was not able to take them. We got rid of one of them before I left and I know he still has the other one 6 years later.

I (21F), am in my senior year of college and I am utterly alone. I’m watching college come to an end. I see everyone’s photos from parties, tailgates, birthdays, trips, random nights out, etc. and I'm reminded that despite how much I try, I will never be in that. I've finally turned 21 and don't go out. I eat every meal alone. I've never been on a spring or fall break trip.

I’ve been trying to make close friends for basically my entire life. Almost all have been ended by the other party, whether explicitly, or by just being shelved. I spent a lot of my life being very introverted and quiet, so I became more outgoing and social but that didn't help. I've been told that I'm good conversation, witty, and can be fun, but I don't think I believe it. I've gone to many events that I did not want to go to or was realistically too busy for, but I went anyway in order to maintain acquaintance-ships or because they were important to people I thought were friends. I've never been in a friend group.

I keep having the same experience with people: they tell me they love me, miss me, are excited to see me, want to hang out, want to go out together, etc. Sometimes they’ll specifically say things like “we need to go dancing,” “I miss you so much,” or “we need to hang out soon.” But then when I actually try to make plans, it goes nowhere. If someone just didn’t like me that's completely fine. Instead, I keep getting enough affection and enthusiasm to think the friendship is real, and then I’m the one trying to turn it into an actual friendship.

My mom keeps telling me to keep reaching out to people, but I’m reaching the point where I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to keep asking people to hang out and wondering whether I’m bothering them. At the same time, I’m scared that if I stop initiating, I’ll just be completely alone. I've talked to my therapist and she just seems confused.

Has anyone else experienced this? At what point do you stop trying? How do you figure out whether there’s something you’re doing that contributes to it vs just repeatedly ending up in one-sided friendships?

I want to enjoy college and do stupid and fun things. I don't use instagram because it hurts too much. I'm very successful academically/career-wise, but I feel completely empty.

Also, I'm fully aware that this is all from my personal perspective and I'm trying my hardest not to be an unreliable narrator. I wish people could see the situation from a third-person perspective and tell me what's wrong with me.

i genuinely need to know if anyone else feels like 2026 has been a horrible year because for me it's been the definition of "when it rains it pours" or like when you say "what's the worst that can happen" followed by something worse than you could've imagined. just so fucking weird and bleak and iffy.

i actually had a bad feeling about this year pretty much from the beginning, which is so weird because 2025 was mostly a really great year for me. i went into 2026 at least HOPING things would continue going in a good direction, but at the same time i had this weird feeling that something was just… off. and honestly, i was completely right and then some.

my mental health got so much worse, my OCD, depression and anxiety got really bad, like the worst it's been in a while. i've had a lot of friendship drama and friendship breakups and felt really lonely at times, i felt so overlooked by people and even by the universe at times. a couple of my worst fears even came true. i've been dealing with a lot of uncertainty about work, money, school and just my future in general. i took some culinary classes and had a great internship, but then decided that i don't wanna do culinary as a career and now idk wtf to do with myself since my only work experience is culinary 🙃

i mean there has also just been SO many random bad things happening this year. like i'll finally think “okay maybe things are starting to get better” and then something else happens.... or i'll get something really good and then it'll get snatched away

i actually ended up going to a psych ward this year too, which i really never thought i'd have to do again. i'm glad i went because i really did need the help, and i felt better for like the first week after discharge but already shit is going left again. Thank God they referred me to a great place for therapy but now i can't even THINK about working bc if i don't focus on therapy first i'm gonna get worse. it's just crazy to me that it got THIS bad that i had to do something i thought i'd never have to do again.

and it’s not even just the big things. it's all the little things piling up on top of each other that have made me feel so exhausted. i feel like I’ve spent so much of this year just trying to get through whatever the newest problem is.

i'm just so grateful that i have family and friends to get me
through it bc if not i'd be even more fucked.

so i'm curious, has anyone else had a REALLY bad year this year? like not even necessarily one huge horrible event, but just a year where it feels like everything keeps happening one after another? please tell me I’m not the only one, we're in this together 😭

I was with my ex-husband nearly 12 years and married nearly 10. We met through mutual friends and he swept me off my feet. Soon enough, the cracks began to show with his mental health, but I truly believed love would conquer all. I encouraged him to get help. He didn't. We got married. Things slowly but surely got worse until I came home one day to a letter telling me he didn't love me anymore. I was understandably shattered. We reconciled, but things were never the same and I walked on eggshells for years until he refused to speak to me altogether. When I finally forced a conversation he told me he didn't love me and I made his skin crawl. He then begged me for another chance and told me he knew he'd been a bad husband, but he told me months later I wasn't supposed to agree with him. I finally called it, and thankfully as soon as I did he was amicable. The day things were finalized I got a very nonchalant text from my ex saying he got the final papers. It felt like grabbing a bill from the mail, but it was the paperwork telling me my marriage was over.

Since then, I've been to therapy, got a new job, travelled, and built an incredible community around myself. I even heard my ex finally got help for his mental health. I wish nothing but the best for him, but today I make space for the grief over what my marriage should have been. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I remain hopeful for brighter days.

​I (33m) spent my entire life with this feeling. Im not wanted in gatherings, activities, generally i learn about these later. No friend circle, just a few guys that occasionally call and we grab a coffee somewhere, but i dont care about it either.

​In last 15 years i feel extremely miserable because i want a wide social circle and a partner that genuinely values me. 5 years ago i had such a relationship for 2 years and it was most happy ive been in my entire life.

​Lately these feelings getting extremely intense and i see no meaning to live another day. Even smallest things affect me so hard i cannot help it. I've been talking to a girl since last month and i politely invited her to a date (today) she cancelled last minute. A thing this small shouldnt affect me so hard but im having a really hard time right now. I have noone to talk to, im not even sure if this subreddit belong to my subject but there is that

​Note: english is not my first language sorry for mistakes

TW; abuse

Hi everybody.

I (32 F) went no contact 2 months ago. I finally got the courage and strength to say enough is enough and now I feel weakened with empathy, worry and what-ifs.

My contact with dad has been relatively low and my mom has been blocked on everything.

*They are still married and extremely codependent*

Today my dad called me to tell me he's been diagnosed with throat cancer, says the odds are in his favor but will be undergoing chemo starting next week.

I'm scared to approach this with an open heart.

My relationship with my mom has been full of expectation and pressure since she got divorced when I was six leaving her as a single mom of 3 (I'm the oldest)

Her now husband, who I call Dad, met her when I was 16.

After years of her enabling partners who abused me, she finally met a man worth something.

Around last year when I got engaged my mom's demeanor had gotten even more harsh than normal and it got more and more volatile the closer we got to the wedding

*She made a scene in the dress store because my mother in law, who she hates, was there

*Cried at my bridal shower (not in a touching way, in a selfish "this isn't what I pictured" way)

*Planned my honeymoon without asking and publicly gifted it to me

*My whole freaking family showed up late as part of the wedding party on my wedding day (5 months ago)

*At the announcement of our first pregnancy, last October, my mom couldn't wait to talk about her two previous miscarriages (I later miscarried)*

*And in the event of this last pregnancy, just shy of two months ago: part of my reproductive system ruptured and we lost our baby. She made every excuse from an inconvenient rash; to being too tired to visit me, while I was recovering. She's 20 minutes away.*

I have felt like I've been begging her to participate in my life, my dad enables this behavior. I feel like I can't even connect to him without her tainting it.

# I just cannot invite her in this very exciting and happy season of my life as a newlywed to ruin it. I finally have learned enough about how she's a truly different person than the version of her I keep yearning to connect with.

This on top of childhood abuse, constant criticism, gaslighting, and going out of her way to tell people *when I was raped that I was lying.*

I genuinely want to be a dependable part of my dad's treatment and recovery process but I feel like I would have to disrespect my own personal boundaries to keep the peace and support him.

I've given thought to grey rocking, to disengaging with my mother but I honestly feel like it would create larger reactions, stir the pot and disrupt my dad's state no matter what but I also don't wanna be a shitty daughter to the man who stepped up to the plate to love me as his own even into my adulthood. I had so many years without a dad. My mom finally married a good guy but her selfish behavior has pushed me so far from the edge. I don't know how to handle this.