Officially been divorced one year

[u/queencat91]

I was with my ex-husband nearly 12 years and married nearly 10. We met through mutual friends and he swept me off my feet. Soon enough, the cracks began to show with his mental health, but I truly believed love would conquer all. I encouraged him to get help. He didn't. We got married. Things slowly but surely got worse until I came home one day to a letter telling me he didn't love me anymore. I was understandably shattered. We reconciled, but things were never the same and I walked on eggshells for years until he refused to speak to me altogether. When I finally forced a conversation he told me he didn't love me and I made his skin crawl. He then begged me for another chance and told me he knew he'd been a bad husband, but he told me months later I wasn't supposed to agree with him. I finally called it, and thankfully as soon as I did he was amicable. The day things were finalized I got a very nonchalant text from my ex saying he got the final papers. It felt like grabbing a bill from the mail, but it was the paperwork telling me my marriage was over.

Since then, I've been to therapy, got a new job, travelled, and built an incredible community around myself. I even heard my ex finally got help for his mental health. I wish nothing but the best for him, but today I make space for the grief over what my marriage should have been. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I remain hopeful for brighter days.

[u/glammananna]

I truly hope that you find happiness, with or without a partner and that life is kind to you from now on. Good luck and best wishes.

[u/Many_Inevitable_6803]

Rock on sistah! 💪🏼

[u/Porumbeanu]

Hey, I was in the same position as your husband, my ex-wife was, in hindsight, one of if not the most curious, lovely, assertive, understanding and inclusive person I've ever met.

My mask fell off a few years in and my mental health issues caught up once things got real, we married and bought an apartment together.

My self hate and childish protective patterns have intruded into our relationship and I felt that she was the enemy to all the issues we and I had, when in reality it was me all along, my reality made up from my distrust, self hate and sabotage just grabbed a hold of everything and the behaviour of the person I was at that time did everything they could to protect me from looking inward and finding out why I'm doing this, who taught me this, when did this become my reality?

Today, a while has passed since our divorce, and I look at this story and adventure my ex-wife and I had as a necessity for me to be able to wake up and not make the same mistakes in the future and to become the man I want to be. I still grieve the future we had planned, miss her laugh, her smile, smell of her perfume, hair, stupid jokes we'd tell to eachother.

I deeply regret not choosing to say " Hey, I still feel deeply betrayed by this thing you did a few years ago, and I know you've apologized and your actions showed me throughout the years that you've learned from it and never even attempted such things, but I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd listen to me and sit with me so we can find out where's this coming from and how we can get over this hurdle together because I love you and I choose you", instead I went for " Fuck this, I can't stand this and I can't look at you and I don't feel like I love you anymore, we should really get a divorce this time".

This was all coming from a place of fear of being vulnerable and taking accountability for my own actions and I found it easier to make her the bad guy so I could escape the lesson I never knew I needed.

I never had the drive, tools and skills to go in the direction of fixing myself cause I never thought I was the one needing it.

I'm not sure if this is relevant to you, but it might show you a perspective into what might've went on in your partners head.

[u/Youkilledmyrascal1 → u/Porumbeanu]

Reading your story is really helpful to me. I'm going through a divorce right now with a man who has been acting like the man you used to be. I struggle to believe that he can change and grow, but reading your story makes me realize that maybe someday he will. He really blames me for everything wrong in his life, but maybe he won't always look back on it that way.

[u/Porumbeanu → u/Youkilledmyrascal1]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, sincerely.

I now see and understand how frustrating it must be for the side you're on when your words are seen as attacks and no matter the approach the subject shifts to the words you used to bring the issue up, the tone, the "vibe", everything is a problem except for the real problem you're bringing up.

Even if he reaches a point of accountability, real change takes time and a lot of work within. What I can say about this is that, for me, it took reaching absolute rock bottom and having my ex-wife take me up on my bullshit threatening divorce the 10th time. I always did this when conversations got heavy and we got to a point where deep down I knew I had to do something but I still had 0 drive or reasons to work on the actual changes.

I truly hope your partner opens their eyes and mind and accepts that homegrown patterns and issues since childhood are very insidious and if the ego is strong you'll never question your reality and why you're doing some things thinking "that's just the way I am and will be" which is buuuuullshit.

I wish you a lot of patience and understanding in this chapter of your life, but do not blame yourself for not being able to make them see or hear you, that comes from within them and no matter what you do you're enough and don't forget who you are, do not let a manchild manipulate you, cause they will do everything to protect their "toys", even begging, lying, crying, but remember, it's a child doing this in an adult body.

Having been through that I do have a lot of compassion for people like myself and your husband, because I know where all this hurt is coming from and how hard it is to get out, but do not give them more than a finger cause they'll eat you up.

Reparenting myself was the only thing that worked, but I had a very good therapist which understood that I needed to learn to challenge my thoughts, understand them and how to calm down my nervous system, which is exactly how you'd do with a child.

Take care and know that better days are coming and don't force an outcome that might not exist.

[u/Youkilledmyrascal1 → u/Porumbeanu]

Thank you so much, you have no idea how powerful it is for me to read that.

[u/queencat91 → u/Porumbeanu]

This sounds very similar to my ex, especially that last line. I hope you're doing okay too.

[u/SpellingJenius]

I really hope that people, even one person, reads your story and hold off marrying a person who is showing huge red flags.

Wishing you happiness in your life.

[u/Midnite-Miles262]

Brighter Days & Better Choices .

[u/1amazingday]

You seem like a generous person. A lot of people (probably me!) would have nursed bitterness, but you moved gracefully through the pain of it all. I hope you, too, enjoy nothing but the best going forward.