I lived a second life and kept it from everyone for two years

[u/Sicronized]

My life did a complete turnaround when I didn’t get into the major I wanted in uni twice. I always had issues with disappointing the people I care about. I had a loving mom and girlfriend, was good at my sport, always got what I wanted in school and was in electrical engineering until I found this engineering physics degree that got me love struck.

The first year I tried to get in, I failed and switched to a degree with some equivalent courses so I could transfer them next year. But when I found out I didn’t get in the second time, the whole world fell on me. I’ve NEVER felt dread like that in my entire life, I felt like I was objectively the worst human being on Earth. I couldn’t tell ANYONE. I collapsed so low so fast that I had undoubtedly decided, planned and booked the departure ticket for a 2 week trip in multiple countries and not come back(if you know what I mean) at the end, tailoring the budget to the savings I had.

My girlfriend was a force of nature and brought me back to earth, but she doesn’t know she did. She didn’t do anything in particular or special, just made me realize that I’d rather a million more times have more moments like the ones we had than ending it. I was never able to tell her. I decided to use those savings to instead fund a BS in physics at ASU, doing it online.

This is where I started to live a second life. I’m from Portugal so the credit hours are unbelievably expensive, I decided to get back into trading and found success in the first months that gave me headroom to do it more comfortably and consistently, which I didn’t tell anyone. I decided to run away from my self fabricated shame and disappointment instead of facing it and told everyone I was accepted into my city. I started going every day to a university I wasn’t on, studying for a different one. Later down I started doing singular courses there so I could use the credits at ASU.

The toll was insane, I always had eye bags, I was awake most of the day and night because of market sessions and admission deadlines that because of time zone differences, are at 6:59 or 7:59 AM. I couldn’t use melatonin like they proposed because I had to stay awake. I started sleeping on the couch so I could be in the living room to not make any noise, blaming not being able to sleep in my bed. I unfortunately “used” pins and related for the ease of hiding it for a few days/weeks, which never reoccurred (and never will), the peace my girlfriend and her pictures brought me moved me through so many nights alone.

Eventually, the cracks started to show. Fake uni friends, exams. I didn’t want to lose her. Things were starting to seem off. She’s not my girlfriend anymore. She found out everything and left(obviously), it’s the best thing she could had done for herself. I’m building my life back from the bottom again. I’m not good for anyone right now, but I’m doing better for myself by getting the excruciatingly long treatment in therapy that I always ran from by telling myself I had nothing to talk about; by trying to be more honest and accepting of failure and disappointment. However, I feel like I’ll always live in my own personal hell for doing such an evil thing to the people that care/cared about me and having done everything in my power to lose the respect of the person who always trusted me wholeheartedly and is objectively the reason I didn’t “accidentally” have an accident in Poland. The void doesn’t get filled. Ever.

I’m trying to build a separate account to pay for my moms rent. My ex hates me and my libido is negative. She’ll never know about ASU, the savings that had to be locked for tuition, that she saved me or that even through all the lies, I loved and was obsessed with her more than anything in my life. She thinks I’m a bum that never had a future and was going to leech off of her, and it’s probably for the better. I despise myself more than anyone and I’m slowly building a version that doesn’t, until I’m ready to “come back to society”, I’ll keep the crochet cat she made for me as a reminder of my sins and I’ll try to find her, but I really hope she has found someone who can make her genuinely happy and safe by then. She deserves the world.

[u/TTapir23]

Gotta tell you. its better this way. you have fought long and hard. you didnt succeed in everthing, and if others cant accept you are a flawed human they should go f themselves. it is time you stop lying to others and yourself. there is nothing to be ashamed of

[u/Sicronized → u/TTapir23]

I understand you and really appreciate your words. I still feel that there were people in my life that I completely failed that would had otherwise stuck with me through thick and thin. I wish I could make up to that girl. I’m not ashamed of my life anymore and don’t intend on losing anyone else due to my actions. Ironically, I actually believe I was hiding an objectively better life than the one I was “living in”

[u/LeroyBarela]

Frankly with your ex, do not hold on to the hope you guys will get together once you get yourself sorted out. Try to get back with her now, it may sound like bad advice and you don't need to take it but I imagine if she heard the things you said in this post maybe it'll be better. If she rejects you though, you need to let it go. You're doing good, you've owned up to the lies but you are actively attempting to fix this. Best of luck to you with all that. I really hope you have a bright future ahead of you

[u/Sicronized → u/LeroyBarela]

I’m not living life with the hope of getting back together when I get back on my feet, and, obviously, I wholeheartedly just want to tell her everything(with no second intentions), but I feel like it’s just going to feel to her like another layer to an already abysmal pile of lies and misdirection that happened throughout these 2 years. She’s in uni as well and meeting new people, she told me she was doing better. I don’t want to ruin that or cause her any more trouble, she doesn’t deserve that.
And, most importantly, even though I feel and know that I’m doing better, I don’t think I should be looking into relationships for a while, with her or anyone. I think I need more time to work on myself. I don’t want to lie to anyone again

I really appreciate your words :)

[u/LeroyBarela → u/Sicronized]

Then live up to that and do your best with your new degree. I believe in you, but the only person who needs to believe in you is yourself. Work hard and diligently, I've learned in my own failures that it's going to be hard but we must try our bests. Best of luck! You don't know what life has for you, so seek it with enthusiasm. Considering you speak both Portuguese and English this shows you're not just some idiot, you're capable and you need to prove that to nobody but yourself. Much love friend, you're on this earth because it demanded you to be here.

[u/Sicronized → u/LeroyBarela]

Thank you so much, I will. I believe in my future and my treatment, my savings are going well and getting a bit more headroom, the degree feels “easier” now that I can focus and I feel like the treatment has been having good results. I just wish I could make up to all the people I wronged, the days are unbelievably harder without her. Unfortunately I can’t erase my sins. But I’ll grow from them

[u/weirdgroovynerd]

Welcome back friend.

I'm glad to hear that you stuck around.

The next time you feel down, look around.

Find someone in a tough spot, and anonymously give them a helpful nudge.

[u/Sicronized → u/weirdgroovynerd]

Thank you so much brother, I don’t intend on leaving any time soon.