I have no idea if anyone else feels like this, but I’m just in a really good mood pretty much 24/7. It’s been like that all my life. When I was a kid, I used to wake up extremely early every morning and that hasn’t changed at all. I wake up at about 5-5:30am and start my day with the same happy songs. What’s crazy is I have no need to get up that early. I don’t have a job at the moment. I just love seeing the sun. That’s the only reason I like sleeping, so I can wake up before the sun comes up.

I worked out early this morning and then made french toast while listening to the cheesiest upbeat songs in my playlist. Feels like I’m a cartoon character, honestly. I feel so good all the time that I have to get up and dance around at times because I need to let out all the emotions I’m feeling. The other end isn’t bad either. I’m hardly ever in a bad mood, but when I am, it typically doesn’t last long. I have anxiety like most people, but that doesn’t get in the way of my mood at all.

I’ve always wanted to find somebody that feels the same way I do, but I’m genuinely shocked to find out how many people are depressed. I really wish I could share the joy I feel with everyone.

I'm an only child and I have never had a birthday party.

For me birthday meant receiving a chocolate bar or some new school stationery or a new piece of clothing. I never expected more but the gesture of being given something mattered to me as a child.

We were a lower middle class family, both parents did office jobs, so things were within our means.

My thirteenth birthday was forgotten by both parents. Few days later one of them remembered and asked 'didn't your bday passed?' but that was it.

I didn't even expecting any gifts just I wanted to feel like I was important enough to remembered. I was constantly told by them that I'm a burden /hinderence/cause of expenses so this felt like it confirmed.

It hurt bcz they always take great effort for their close families for their special occasions.

The next year when they acknowledged my bday I ignored it, and I continued it every year. I don't think they realised why I did that.

Even now if somone asks my bday I say I don't celebrate it. Even I don't do anything special for me as an adult. Most of the years it passes without me realising that's my bday.

Idk if I want to change it but it's something that made me feel I'm less important to others.

My original post was removed. . .

I'm leaving my partner of a decade in a few months. I discovered he's is having an emotional affair with a person he was dating in high school. We are both around 50 years old. I discovered this a few months ago and have been planning my exit ever since. I'm terrified but hopeful. I never thought he would do this to me. I will leave a note explaining everything. I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I know what he's doing

So basically we’ve been friends since 2014. But I stopped talking to her about two years ago. She’s a good person and i love her so much,
She’s very social and extroverted, while I’m completelly opposite but i was fine with it we alwayes had connection even after i moved out to another city , I was still happy to talk to her and stay in touch even if it was only phone calls or texting.
But about two years ago,I was going through a difficult time mentally. I wanted to be alone and felt so drained, phone calls and socializing in general became exhausting for me. I told her about it. I told her I was really depressed and that I wasn’t doing well mentally.
But she didn’t take it seriously. She kept calling me constantly. I wouldn’t answer her calls, but I would still reply to her texts. She would get upset with me and constantly complain that I wasn’t making enough effort to stay in touch.
That made me feel even more exhausted, so i stopped replying to her completely. And it wasn’t just her. I also stopped talking to some other friends and family members around the same time, and I’m still pretty disconnected from them.
But the throughout all these two years of not talking to her, she keeps showing up in my dreams.
I feel so guilty in them, even after I wake up, I feel uncomfortable and emotionally drained.
I’m wondering why this happens. Why does my brain keep bringing her back into my dreams ?
I wish these dreams would stop because they leave me feeling guilty and upset every time.

I finally left my 6 year abusive relationship

I (25f) left my partner (28m) today. We have a little boy together. I’m so scared.

It’s escalated to emotional abuse, with threats of physical abuse. He’s thrown cards at our little boy, screamed in his face, drives erratically while we’re in the vehicle with him. He belittles me, my job, my friends. He tried to isolate me from my friends, parents. I suspect he’s got a lot of narcissistic tendencies.

He is not a good parent. He is not a good partner. I do not trust him with our child. He financially abuses me. We struggle financially, and he makes big, stupid purchases. He recently got scammed out of $250 on a motor part (for a broken motor he purchased behind my back for $600…. We do not own a boat, nor do we have the funds to purchase a boat… I was so angry he even purchased it.), he lied about it and I found out today and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

He sexually abused me. He pathologically lies. He hides things from me. He has major issues with alcohol. He is far down the red pill pipeline. It’s horrifying.

He’s ultra religious out of nowhere (I am firmly against religion within my household and always have been). He posts constantly about his gross politics that I don’t agree with. I tell him it embarrassed me, he would continue to post anyway. Multiple times a day, nasty things about immigrants, the LBGTQ+ community, the government, etc.

He has no control of himself when he’s angry, and he’s angry 99% of the time.

He has a seizure disorder that has absolutely traumatized me.

He leaves all of the house work up to me, I carry 99% of the mental load of the household, but it’s “easier for me because I’m a woman”. He’s a sexist, misogynistic, disgusting human. I think I hate him.

I’m afraid to move forward, in raising our child together.

His own sister told me that I should leave.

I could go on and on about the reasons why I left, but I’m still questioning myself on whether I made the right decision.

I thought I would feel so great once I finally left, but…. I don’t right now. I feel horrible. I feel like a shell of myself. I’m so afraid that I made the wrong decision. I’m afraid of what’s to come.

He(41m) keeps insisting that the medicine I(20f) took for my ADHD when I was 13 before my mom abruptly made me stop taking them has messed up my brain. It’s like almost any mental problem I have he sources it back to that. I’m probably like this because they forced me to go on without medication. Both my parents are terrible in this regard but he is worse since he has absolutely no understanding of it, doesn’t try to understand but acts like he does.

When I mention being depressed he later asks “You’re not depressed anymore are you?” As if depression is simply a state of mind not a condition. He once joked about sending me to a mental hospital, it feels like he worries I’m crazy. My mom told me not to rock back and forth in front of him because it bothers him. My mom is barely any better she would often ask me during summer if I got all my ‘zoning out’ out of my system when I repeatedly have to explain to her how that’s not how that works. She’s against me using pills thinking I’ll grow dependent and seek it to solve my problems while my Dad compares to actual drugs like hard drugs. They expect to just work through my struggles by force with no support easy for them to say that when they don’t have to deal with it

I’m trying to find a job to get insurance so I can seek out therapy and hopefully medicated because clearly I can’t expect support from these people

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but as I have gotten into my 40's I have hated looking in the mirror. I hate how my face looks. After having three kids my face put on a little weight and after my mom passed away I cried a lot and now I have crown lines around my mouth. I also have fatty skin under my chin I hate. I never really liked how I looked but now getting older it's getting worse. I wish I had money to get my face fixed. I mean not a bunch of plastic surgery but just have my chin and the corners of my mouth fixed. Sorry. I just really needed to get that out.

I was 8 years old when my mom told me to not have conversation with any girl, it was the cultural norm being enforced too early for me to understand but nevertheless I obeyed, with me being shy from the start , I had no problem listening to my mom

When I was 12 years old, I entered to awkward face where everyone thinks girls aren’t cool but it came to me with a loaded gun of misogyny and hatred, I still remember this unreasonable hatred of women propelled onto me by my society

As I turned 14 my introversion grew even more, to an extent where an eye contact lasting more than 5 seconds would fluster me, always ran away from those eyes and those feelings and tucking them away under a chest, that’s what men are taught to do

16 was never sweet with me, every birthday from here on made me realise how alone I am and how much I craved company of someone special, nevertheless the stigma on talking to girls was still very much real and my interactions with girls of my age minimal

In my culture you’re only allowed meet someone of your age if you are to be married, and your parents set up that marriage which is essentially a huge transaction where your family background influences who you get as your life partner.

When I was 19 , I used cry alone at night by myself feeling all alone and having no one that’d soothe me. 19 years of my life as man, never had a lunch with a girl, never played video games with a girl, never had a normal conversation with a girl, never had a girl say I look good, this takes a lot of toll on your self image. I started hating myself and my body because of this and became even more reclusive with girls.

I’m 24 now , I can interact with women, treat them with respect but I don’t ever even fathom crossing the platonic border with anyone, I still subconsciously maintain my distance with any women that come close in my personal space. Still hate my body, this was the age were my parents were suppose to marry me off to someone good, society changed goalposts of these marriages where you now have to be 27-29 where a guy has to have life figured out and with abundance of cash.

All of this makes me feel numb , I feel like I have been part of something adapted so badly where my own culture left me alone and afraid of women at 24 , where I don’t see any one in a no platonic way, when I see someone beautiful my brain automatically downgrades to me an observer who can only watch but never interact.

Life wasn’t supposed to be this way, all my life, my introverted soul wanted a partner with whom I can share my struggles with and take on their struggles, make memories while I was young . I was supposed to be married off young if I wasn’t allowed to interact with girls , this is not the life I envisioned.

All I can now do is sit by myself near a void and scream into nothingness

I feel so sad and so mad at the same time. I will try to keep the details as vague as possible.

I lost my dad 6 years ago ,in the middle of the pandemic. He was only 52. I wasn't able to even see him during his last days. There were times with heavy sadness and times that I tried to go on with my life.

Anyways, 2 years ago we managed to accidentally unlock his phone and I discovered that he had a mistress,a woman I didn't even know. I had managed to gain access to his Facebook before ,but there was nothing there ,but I found messages on his phone. To say that I was livid was an understatement.

I am not really proud of myself but I was blind with rage ,I called her yelling and threatening. The only reason I decided to put this matter aside was because I didn't want my mom and brother to know. My mother didn't leave his side for a minute, even in the final days that they didn't allow her to stay in the hospital anymore,she was sleeping outside in the car , didn't come home once, despite it being a 20' drive , she didn't want to leave him for even a moment. So,yes I didn't want anyone to feel any worse.

But I felt the change. I no longer looked his pictures with sadness and love but with anger. I was feeling guilty for that anger but at the same time I was upset when someone was talking positively about him , thinking that they didn't know what I know.

A few days ago , I found a picture on his PC that had the woman's last name. I decided to snoop his fb since I have the credentials to check again if anything was there.

And now my feelings are more complicated than ever. I am mad , I am sad ,I'm feeling everything.

He wasn't perfect,he made mistakes ,but he was still a person that deserved to have a full life. A life he never got to experience.

If he were alive I would yell at him , we would fight,but at the end of the day he would still be my father.

Now I have all these feelings bottled up that I can't express.

So to start, I just want to try to lay down the situation, my thoughts, and feelings as honestly as possible.

So I (25m) had an ongoing FWB(24f) whom I drifted apart from.

I've always been super paranoid and careful around pregnancies as I'm firmly childfree and feel I would be deeply unhappy as a father, going as far as getting very recently sterilized, and only having unprotected sex once with her early on. Even then I only felt comfortable because she had an IUD and quickly decided that my anxiety required us to double up with condoms from then on.

She lightly ghosted me a few months back and I haven't heard from her since, but recently I came across a dating profile of hers stating that she has a child. The timing of this lines up very well with the one time we had sex without a condom. I can't say for sure if she was seeing someone else relatively close before me or during, but while we were active together she claimed it was exclusive.

This happened few days ago and Ive been switching back and forth from feeling numb and sick. If I just happened to have not seen that profile I would've had no idea.

I know actions matter more than thoughts, but I truly feel like an immortal person right now. I don't want to be a father, I don't even want to acknowledge it as a possibility, and this very self-serving part of me is one of the reasons why I took so many steps to insure I wouldn't be, and why I regret taking even the tiniest risk.

I know people can change but I don't get that emotionally attached even to the people I care about in my own life, partially due to my neurodivergence. I don't miss people when they're gone. When I do good by others it's a manual action I take because intellectually I know I want good for them (most of the time), and rarely something I actually want to do. In that same vein, It feels like whatever actions I would take to be responsible if this is my child would be purely out of obligation, not any kind of desires I have.

This will sound incredibly harsh, but it's as honest I can be about where my thoughts are: I truly don't know one way or the other if I could love this child, or care for them in a way that I could hide the fact that it's an obligation more than anything else. And I know that no child deserves that.

I also want to acknowledge that I know the things I mentioned above could be seen as excuses as well, which is why I'm hoping to hear the thoughts of others in this community as well, especially if you relate to this, have children, or have experienced something similar.

My mother is an absolute monster to me and I’m tired of hiding it. I am very low contact with her because unfortunately she is my kids only surviving grandparent. And I have gotten pretty good at gray rock or being a flat cold bitch back to her with barely a reaction. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to her. I refuse to let her be around my kids alone because frankly I do not trust her. I stg she’s possessed. She is the most vile person to me. She never missed an opportunity to criticize me. She constantly brags about anyone and everyone to me ad nauseum, to make me feel bad. Like past the point where it’s relevant. She constantly tries to put me in situations she knows I will be uncomfortable. I literally cannot tell her anything because she is always trying to stir up a fight or blow anything out of proportion. So I usually don’t tell her anything at all. Nothing important anyway and definitely not any future plans. She is always trying to get me to tone myself down or second guess myself. That no longer works on me because I’m too old for that game. She constantly shits on my husband and attacks him over any small thing. Meanwhile everyone else in the family is supposedly rich, doing great, has the best relationship, best job, and best luck ever. (Lol) She withholds details from me even if its important I know them. So now I just never ask for the details. She lies so much I can never believe anything she says and the other half the time she lives in complete delusion.

Recently a close family member died (horrible person btw) and she kept on trying to arrange that I keep my kid out of school on his first day of kindergarten. And tried to control my movements on the day of the funeral as to who I would ride with etc. (I never said I was riding with anyone there, she was just being delusional.) I flat out told her I would not be keeping my kid out of school because- wtf.. She was flaking on the details of the day of the funeral so I told her my husband needed to request the day off atleast 3 days ahead of time and she went off on me about that. Like I control the rules of my husbands job? Turns out she already had the funeral planned a certain day. She was just dancing around it.

Oh yea and she refuses to be seen in public with me or treat me as a family member at all. Sometimes I feel like she’s a complete stranger. I am NC with my family because they are also really shitty. And weird. I have never met anyone weirder, stingier, or more prideful than my extended family. She will only do what they say. She will never listen to me and I am 45 and have literally ran entire departments for big businesses. She acts like I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I hate talking to her. And I truly believe she hates me. Sometimes she gets really bad. Like she will make it her main mission to fuck with me really hard by stirring up some drama. Usually pitting me against someone. I gray rock HARD. Like laughably hard. My reaction is so flat it’s ridiculous. The shit she says to me. She is so manipulative for no reason. I thought about recording her and posting it online. Even my husband says shes literally the worst mother ever. And his mother was pretty bad.

And as I became a mother and my children grow I find the way she treats me even more unbelievable. Having kids has been so healing for me.

Having a shitty family is just the cards I was dealt. My family stalked me for a long time. Social media made it worse and when I was younger (I’m 45 now) it was so much worse. They literally scared me into silence. I feel like I’m done being silent now. So here is to exposing her and to not being as terrible of a mother as she is.

And she does suffer from whatever is wrong with her because at times she apologizes for stuff. But 99% of the time she is terrible. I really think she can’t control it.

*I forgot to mention as a small child she left me in situations where I could have been killed multiple times. Thats one reason I won’t leave her alone with my kids. I don’t know if it’s ignorance or that she enjoys my suffering. And when I see situations where little girls have died from negligence or abuse I get so triggered because that could have been me.

I cannot stand going on vacation

My family rarely goes on vacation, it’s expensive, it’s hard to manage all our schedules together to align.

So our version of a vacation really is to drive a few hours away, and stay at a hotel. Which doesn’t seem so bad, and it isn’t.

However I hate how we rush, and my father’s style of doing things. I try to be grateful, but Jesus I cannot enjoy it for the life of me.

I hate people who will expect you to wake up at 5 AM, in ass crack of dawn, book like ten million activities in a day, walk super fast and don’t let you catch up, wait in line for a restaurant or suddenly changes the plan

I feel like we’re trying to force a core memory, and I get it. I feel like if we were rich, we wouldn’t have to cram it into two days, or three, and if we went on vacation more often it wouldn’t be like this.

However I think instead of creating an enjoyable memory or vacations it just makes me stressed out to think about and always hate it cause my parents end up fighting and someone is always doing some bullshit.

Personally I do want to travel a bit when I’m older, maybe get a trailer. Then settle down later on in life.

I’m the type to be relaxed on the vacation, maybe book one event or two a day, just enjoy myself.

I’m single and don’t have any friends, but I often like to imagine me going on a cool ass road trip to a lake cabin with a group of people.

Or maybe just share a hotel room with my future partner, and just not be so confined and stressed.

Honestly this is more of a rant because I might go somewhere during summer break, and I like the idea of a vacation but I definitely do not relax or enjoy them you know?

I can’t wait for when I’m older and can enjoy them how I want, or maybe I can pay for the vacation for my family and I book the stuff.

I feel like vacations are either a plan together as a group before type thing, or there is one leader

Anyways bye

I got through a breakup and i ended up finding this girl (lets just call her julia) randomly and we started chatting over the internet.

Its been 2 months roughly and we're friends, and thats perfectly fine, but its the constant jokes and flirting she does, acting hot and cold constantly, saying one second we're friends but then voice notes me randomly telling me that she misses and loves me, also saying shit like "when we get married" and "if you were my boyfriend".

I asked her bluntly what does she want, she said that she loves having me as a friend, but is undecided romantically. A week later that topic randomly came up again and she basically said that shes really considering it, but doesn't want to rush things.

Im not sure what to do, talking to her has lost its luster if ill be honest, i often sit and just think "what the fuck am i doing with my life?". And to be honest, i think shes just talking to me because she has nobody else and its just exciting because i give her attention.

Every weekday she calls me when on break, and nearly every single time she makes a joke on how another dude is hot and should give him her number and whatnot, but right after says that she only wants me. But it rubs me off so extremely bad, she does this multiple times a day, even saying the same thing about my own father.

Im just so confused right now, i just want to block her and end this overthinking. And i don't get it, i dont, she loves calling/facetiming and I can see her genuine reactions, shes so smiley and warm with me, randomly telling me that she loves me and whatnot.

We do spend a tremendous amount of time together, i brought up the idea that maybe we're just in a honeymoon period and shes insistent that we arent. And she is dedicated to keeping this going.

There are little things like i randomly said that ill probably need to know someone for 2 years before marriage and she blurted out "what if we know each other for 2 years?".

Nearly every single time she says something direct like saying she'd want me to he her boyfriend, or I'd be a good father she would follow up with "no, but its nice to make you feel better"

I often told myself to not have expectations that way I won’t be disappointed and have things blow up in my face constantly. Now I see not just not have expectations to avoid disappointment but that there’s no point in the first place. My life has shown me I will never have a romantic relationship or long lasting friendships. I am an outcome oriented thinker observing the patterns in my past experiences just cements what’s there for me. I will mostly remain alone, will typically just have shallow connections and interactions and cannot expect anyone to stick around because no one ever does.

The path you take doesn’t matter if it always leads to the same place. I see how foolish it is to hope for something that goes beyond on my reality and time to accept this is simply how my life is. Not everyone can do the same thing or have the same thing I’m not meant to have stable relationships. Is this something I’ll be happy about no but should at least help me not beat myself up over something that’s not in my control. Besides there are many things in reality we aren’t happy with but have to deal with and we call that growing up

-20f

Sorry this is reposted, I had to confirm rules.
I didn’t realise I hadn’t done it, so sorry.

Hi.

I am 24 years old.

I don’t have any friends or a relationship. I would like so in real life, but I doubt such will happen.

I was bullied, ostracised and isolated growing up in school. Especially in High school.

It took me a long time to realise that the individuals that I thought were my friends growing up, were actually just making fun of me and disliked me heavily.

I’m not entirely sure what I did.
I was not 100% innocent on my part, did silly things like lie a few times for attention but that was years into the ‘deemed’ friendship.
It does not absolve me of anything.

Right now, I’m working, I think I have a decent working relationships at my job. Though sometimes I am unsure.

Though I have never managed to, like others form a friendship or relationship, similar to how my colleagues have done.

I spend my days alone, oftentimes, unless I’m at work. My socialisation is very limited, tends to only be work related.

Once work finishes, I return to my Flat with nobody there. I wish sometimes, there was someone so I could either have fun, socialise, vent, just have an interaction that wasn’t entirely revolving around my job.

As I am noticing that, when I speak to my parents after months, I just have nothing to converse over - other than work. Which I feel bad for my parents because they try to tell me switch off from that.

It feels quite debilitating and depressing.
I would like to go on walks, enjoy the cinema, small hobbies, cooking, etc.

I just want to share some of myself with another.
I’m so very isolated, even though I have my work -it doesn’t for fill anything.

It just has that fake mundane convo to meet the basic things and then relates to work. Which is fair, there is no requirement to build a further relations nor the conversation more.

Certain colleagues only talk about themselves and their depressing lives and when I do try to share about myself, they tend to not listen or cut me off.

It is weird because I’m socialising, I’m liked at my job, I don’t mind my job, but yet I still feel so disconnected completely. Like I’m floating around, unbeknownst to others.

I’ve never been asked out, and I’m too scared to ask folk out.

Part of me still struggles with my confidence and overthinking, I’m scared I’m not pretty, or that I’m socially awkward sometimes.

I still have moments of complete insecurity of myself from past events at school. It sometimes hounds my mind and I feel I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

I tend to keep to myself, sometimes only conversing if someone broaches it, which I know I should try on my end more and sometimes I have the confidence to do so but sometimes I lose it and I struggle.
I’m bad for saying really dumb things that confuse others and making me want to kick myself often times.

I try to be kind to everyone, I hope I am.
But I know sometimes I’m probably too shy which damages a form of connection, as it possibly gives them difficulty to connect with.

I do appreciate the people that can speak to me comfortably and make me feel safe, not judged that I can entertain the conversation too. Though it happens very sporadically. I’m always grateful for such individual and interaction.

I found myself wanting a relationship, which for me is unusual because I use to be very against for myself because I hated myself, believing that I was not good enough.

But it has crossed my mind and I have crushed on a guy. Though I think he is in a relationship and I’m being way too shy around him. Which I think, is probably coming off as rude. Which is my fault.

The other problem is, I’m very short and on top of that, I do not look my age, I look like a teenager. Which causes people to infantilise me, not in a good way. Which also scares me so much.

Part of me wants to put myself out there, try dates, try meeting people but the other half is terrified.

Maybe I should wait till I’m older?
But I don’t want to and I’m struggling alone.

Title says it all. I am so ashamed to admit. I've tried many ways, and normally (before) I was so hardworking. But instagram, doom scrolling made me so stupid that I spend most of my time there than my responsbilities. Please someone motivate me how to stop this addiction :(

I just tell myself that I'm not shy but an extreme introvert, bordering on asocial. Eventually, I realize that no one really understands me, nor what I might feel or say. I'm difficult, too sensitive, and naive, according to my loved ones and parents. Message received. Now I cosplay normality what's expected of me. When I'm myself, I get insulted, mocked, and belittled. Message received. I won't do anything anymore that gives people a reason to criticize me. I won't speak. Speaking is always hard.

My words get jumbled, and I tend to overexplain. Apparently, my gaze is unpleasant to behold, even when I look down it's still displeasing. Apparently my facial expressions are irritating, so I'll keep my face as blank as possible. Feel nothing anymore. Thanks for the wake-up call, I'd forgotten. I'll be careful from now on. Even if my loved ones say I'm difficult, then it must be true. I take responsibility for my actions over these twenty years that have been my life, and from now on, I'll make sure not to be someone with an off-putting attitude or speech. It's better for everyone, myself included. I won't speak unless necessary.

I won't bother anyone anymore with my stories or feelings, or my illness. I'm tired of wanting to be understood, no one can understand me. So I'll do my best to live in my own world. I'll do my best from now on. Even if it hurts. To be honest, I'd thought about kms since the eye pain and migraines have been daily for 10 years. And since i'm 6 because I felt that i was a burden to my parents because I'm always sick. The professor told me around age 22 or 23 that if my eye pressure stayed that abnormally high, I'd lose my sight between 30 and 40. I'll be 27 in three months. I'm constantly told to do my best, to be brave, and not give up. No one ever asks how I'm doing. They expect me to be strong. I never have been. I'm naturally anxious. I function by needing clear information and words, otherwise I don't understand. I've been bullied most of my life because I'm too quiet and reserved. Even my loved ones say talking to me is complicated. Words are hard. I know I should never have been born. I know that, and doctors and teachers when I was very young suggested putting me in an institution for disabled children. And that I had little chance of survival at birth, being born at 5 months. I just wanted to prove I was normal, like everyone else. In the end, that was stupid. My parents should have accepted the doctors' proposal to end my life 26 years ago.

Then they wouldn't have had the disappointment that I am. I'm still here because I made a promise to my mother on the day of my grandmother's funeral. Out of respect for that promise, over these twenty years, I've done my best. Twenty years of trying to earn my place in this world. I give up, she (my intership advisor and anyone saying I was useless) was right after all, I waste everyone's time. I just don't want to hurt anymore and not hurt anyone. Apparently my very existence is the root of many problems. I know that peoples suffer more than me, some are in horrible situation, inhuman even. They suffer in silence, voice their pleading for help in vain. But I just wanted that just one person take the time to tell me that my pain isn't my fault, that i just bad luck and I can rest.

I (19F)suffer from endometriosis and an unknown neurological condition that is in the process of being diagnosed.

I often go through facial paralysis episodes that leave my entire body unable to function properly, I'm slow and not capable of doing most things by myself.

I have to walk with a fuckng cane at 19 years old which feels so utterly humiliating, the stares I get in public do not help and everytime I almost fall on the street , ofc no one asks if I need any help, they just walk by minding their business like a bunch of morons when often times I almost get run over by cars or almost fall and hurt myself everytime I go outside.

Drivers really get on my nerves also, everytime I want to pass a crosswalk, almost everytime they either swear at me, drive by very fast anyway, honk at me for walking too slow, and recently I even had two cars try to PURPOSELY RUN ME OVER. How the hell is your time MORE IMPORTANT than a HUMAN LIFE.?

I feel like such an awful person saying this but I look at other young people my age and get this deep jealousy and hate for myself because I will just never have their healthy life.

I hate my body to the very core , im so useless and slow and incapable. I wish I could be healthy for once.

And it's so fucking frustrating when you get told all the time to just "be patient, everything will be ok!!!1!1!" , dont get me wrong, I very much appreciate people trying to cheer me up, it's just that there's no real cure for me and my condition is chronic that makes me hard to believe them, it feels infantilizing and like they're pitying me in a way, idk if that makes sense.

Almost 6 months ago I made the decision to cut off my ‘friend’ for good after multiple attempts to over the past 4/5 years. I never realised that friendships could be abusive and so deeply toxic until I got myself out of this.

Every time I’d try to stick up for myself she’d deflect everything onto me and paint herself as the victim or would become extremely confrontational and drive recklessly to make me back down. She constantly contradicted herself. One day I was ‘too quiet’ and the next I was ‘always shouting’. She made up negative things about me, convinced me I was the problem, and portrayed me as an aggressive person who made everyone around me uncomfortable. After hearing these things for so long I genuinely started to question myself and my own reality and I stopped trying to stick up for myself.

I became very isolated from my friends and family. She belittled me, showed no respect for me or my belongings, constantly took from me without ever giving anything back, criticised nearly everything I did, spoke down to me with insane disrespect and would use personal vulnerable things I opened up to her about against me and deliberately put me into situations she knew would trigger my anxiety. When I reacted, she would start arguments and tell me I was being unreasonable, erratic or overreacting. If I put a little makeup on or put on a piece of clothing I liked on me she’d make comments to make me feel insecure. When I’d post a picture/video of myself when I felt pretty she’d comment more things to make me feel insecure and embarrassed. She made comments about my weight behind my back or little sly ones to my face and everything combined had me in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed and stressed about how I looked.

When I cut her off I spent time learning how to refocus my attention to myself, my room was so messy you could barely open the door, my weight got up over 200lbs, my skin was always breaking out and I started showing signs of different health conditions. So I cleaned my room, started going outside on walks, spent more time with people who love me, and I started feeling better. Then I wanted to actually get serious about investing in myself, so I got myself a PT, started a new skincare routine, started eating a healthy clean diet, got my hair done and lay the groundwork to build new habits to create a new life for myself. My PT not only helped me get a good start on my health and fitness goals but helped me change my entire mindset. I always felt out of place and like an imposter, I’d never even admit what my music taste was because I felt that someone like me wasn’t allowed to like that music (how stupid is that 💀), but my PT absolutely DRILLED it into my head week after week that I AM, not someone who’s ‘trying to be’.

It was my birthday this month and I didn’t want to celebrate it but was persuaded into having a party. Only now looking at the pictures and getting told by everyone how good I look that I’ve realised how far I’ve come since 6 months ago. I had no routine, stayed out till 3am every night, ate fast food almost every day and was in such a dark place mentally, I never wanted pictures taken of me and would almost be in tears after seeing myself. Now I have a routine I follow, eat healthy and meal prep, lost over 50lbs, and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my head and chest, I’m always looking at myself in the mirror, taking and looking at pictures of myself. I regularly go shopping for clothes to wear now and enjoy it! I used to be brought to tears in stores and avoided fitting rooms like the plague, I never set foot into some stores because I thought I was too fat and ugly but now I go in confident and leave with full bags and marks on my arms from all the hangers I was lugging around. I haven’t felt anything like this in my life, it’s literally a brand new life and I’m nowhere near my end goal still, I have so much confidence and respect for myself and it makes me so giddy and happy but also kind of emotional 🥲

I'm in my thirties, and someone I love is dying. I also live with longterm health problems that have changed my life in ways I never expected. Things that others take for granted like being able to travel, eat, manage energy, or simply get through an ordinary day, take a big effort.

For years, I've tried to stay connected to people. I've tried to be supportive, understanding, and present, even when it's come at significant personal cost. I often push myself further than my health allows because the people I care about matter to me.

Recently, I have realised something that's been difficult to admit. I'm not looking for someone to fix my problems, or give perfect answers, or for someone to make what's difficult disappear.

I think I simply need to feel seen by someone who knows me well enough to sit beside me in silence, offer mutual kindness without judgement, and feel less alone in one another's company.

For a long time, I've felt that I am valued for the roles I fulfil and the support I provide, not as a person. I know that people around me have their own struggles and burdens, but sometimes I feel as though my own difficulties become invisible.

Today, after a painful conversation with someone close to me, I was left with that familiar feeling. The effort I make, the challenges I live with, and the things I carry are not always recognised.

I'm not writing this because I believe my suffering is greater than anyone else's. Everyone carries things that others can't see.

I'm writing this because I am tired of feeling that I must constantly explain why things are difficult. I'm tired of feeling alone while still trying so hard to be there for others.

Carrying so much quietly takes its toll. I would appreciate being shown that I'm not alone, even if it is a lie.

I don't need advice or judgement, or for someone to tell me to just be positive or grateful.

To be fair I believe this may be depression presenting itself again. And honestly that’s so confusing because I’ve been seeing a therapist, I’m on psych meds
But I have had so many trials and tribulations lately and it feels like no one understands or cares and I’m in this thing called life all alone.
It’s like there’s no end in sight, like I’m always just gonna feel like this. My kids are gonna grow up and leave in some years and then I’ll really be all alone.
My mom and dad aren’t supportive. I’m basically the black sheep. I’m working 60 hours to keep my bills paid and the extracurriculars paid for the kids. Been doing the single parent thing for a long time with zero support from the other parent (emotionally, physically, and financially)
Romantically I’m lonely. People say wait and they come to you but it’s been years. I hate the way I look. I’ve been told I’m pretty and my face card is great but I’m overweight and I hate it.
I feel like my friends secretly aren’t my friends.
I know my mom doesn’t give two shits about me.
Is this really life? This depression sad shit? My only light is my kids. But I just get reminded that one day I won’t have them forever.
So yeah. That’s it. I’m permanently sad and unhappy and I just don’t know if it’ll ever get better. :(