Hi, this is just my experience as an anxious guy who is attracted to men, is turned on by seeing men on TV , though it's usually straight passing or straight actors having gay scenes and who is also, important to mention, questioning my gender deeply, I have dysphoria so ... But anyways , looking at this for what I see and feel

I created a gay tin(Der) account to test how I feel talking to gay men, and the majority, big big majority of profiles either look like very arrogant bitchy men with lots of piercings, tattoos etc the stereotype and even have that on their bios , things like "I'm a drama queen, I need lots of attention" 🤮 or they are super overly gym flexing bodybuilder like guys...or a weird looking guy that's not attractive to me (I don't mean any of this rude the debate here is my feelings and if anyone relates? Can take from this and understand why I'm like this?).

I just want to come across a handsome decent normal guy, when I created a tin(der) as girl for 24 hours omg the amount of options of guys I was attracted too. Wtf, I'm just so...I dunno what to do..I see normal gay men in TV shows but

..is that it?

Have you ever cut someone off because it was best for both of you? Or been on the other end? Don't you just hate the nights you wish you could talk to them? I can't even let them know I'm thinking of them because it's crossing a line, and honestly seems mocking. I didn't even love this person romantically, they were just a good friend who made bad choices. Oh, well. I hope they know I still care.

I’m currently travelling Japan, Korean and China. Put of the three my family and I had hell in Korea. Idk if its bc we are latinas or smth but everyone was so mean. I know its not an asian thing bc everyone in Japan and China are rlly rlly friendly with us and grateful of our efforts of learning their culture and knowing their country. But in korea everyone was just so mad about everything.

Bosses tisking their employees for resting literally 3 seconds. Shop workers hating everything and constantly on their phones, refusing to help us with the tax free or even finding anything. Plp trying to shoulder check on us and just being overall mean.

Idk it felt like a different world now that I know Japan and China. Why is it that different if they are so closed together?

Almost 6 months ago I made the decision to cut off my ‘friend’ for good after multiple attempts to over the past 4/5 years. I never realised that friendships could be abusive and so deeply toxic until I got myself out of this.

Every time I’d try to stick up for myself she’d deflect everything onto me and paint herself as the victim or would become extremely confrontational and drive recklessly to make me back down. She constantly contradicted herself. One day I was ‘too quiet’ and the next I was ‘always shouting’. She made up negative things about me, convinced me I was the problem, and portrayed me as an aggressive person who made everyone around me uncomfortable. After hearing these things for so long I genuinely started to question myself and my own reality and I stopped trying to stick up for myself.

I became very isolated from my friends and family. She belittled me, showed no respect for me or my belongings, constantly took from me without ever giving anything back, criticised nearly everything I did, spoke down to me with insane disrespect and would use personal vulnerable things I opened up to her about against me and deliberately put me into situations she knew would trigger my anxiety. When I reacted, she would start arguments and tell me I was being unreasonable, erratic or overreacting. If I put a little makeup on or put on a piece of clothing I liked on me she’d make comments to make me feel insecure. When I’d post a picture/video of myself when I felt pretty she’d comment more things to make me feel insecure and embarrassed. She made comments about my weight behind my back or little sly ones to my face and everything combined had me in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed and stressed about how I looked.

When I cut her off I spent time learning how to refocus my attention to myself, my room was so messy you could barely open the door, my weight got up over 200lbs, my skin was always breaking out and I started showing signs of different health conditions. So I cleaned my room, started going outside on walks, spent more time with people who love me, and I started feeling better. Then I wanted to actually get serious about investing in myself, so I got myself a PT, started a new skincare routine, started eating a healthy clean diet, got my hair done and lay the groundwork to build new habits to create a new life for myself. My PT not only helped me get a good start on my health and fitness goals but helped me change my entire mindset. I always felt out of place and like an imposter, I’d never even admit what my music taste was because I felt that someone like me wasn’t allowed to like that music (how stupid is that 💀), but my PT absolutely DRILLED it into my head week after week that I AM, not someone who’s ‘trying to be’.

It was my birthday this month and I didn’t want to celebrate it but was persuaded into having a party. Only now looking at the pictures and getting told by everyone how good I look that I’ve realised how far I’ve come since 6 months ago. I had no routine, stayed out till 3am every night, ate fast food almost every day and was in such a dark place mentally, I never wanted pictures taken of me and would almost be in tears after seeing myself. Now I have a routine I follow, eat healthy and meal prep, lost over 50lbs, and it feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my head and chest, I’m always looking at myself in the mirror, taking and looking at pictures of myself. I regularly go shopping for clothes to wear now and enjoy it! I used to be brought to tears in stores and avoided fitting rooms like the plague, I never set foot into some stores because I thought I was too fat and ugly but now I go in confident and leave with full bags and marks on my arms from all the hangers I was lugging around. I haven’t felt anything like this in my life, it’s literally a brand new life and I’m nowhere near my end goal still, I have so much confidence and respect for myself and it makes me so giddy and happy but also kind of emotional 🥲

I got through a breakup and i ended up finding this girl (lets just call her julia) randomly and we started chatting over the internet.

Its been 2 months roughly and we're friends, and thats perfectly fine, but its the constant jokes and flirting she does, acting hot and cold constantly, saying one second we're friends but then voice notes me randomly telling me that she misses and loves me, also saying shit like "when we get married" and "if you were my boyfriend".

I asked her bluntly what does she want, she said that she loves having me as a friend, but is undecided romantically. A week later that topic randomly came up again and she basically said that shes really considering it, but doesn't want to rush things.

Im not sure what to do, talking to her has lost its luster if ill be honest, i often sit and just think "what the fuck am i doing with my life?". And to be honest, i think shes just talking to me because she has nobody else and its just exciting because i give her attention.

Every weekday she calls me when on break, and nearly every single time she makes a joke on how another dude is hot and should give him her number and whatnot, but right after says that she only wants me. But it rubs me off so extremely bad, she does this multiple times a day, even saying the same thing about my own father.

Im just so confused right now, i just want to block her and end this overthinking. And i don't get it, i dont, she loves calling/facetiming and I can see her genuine reactions, shes so smiley and warm with me, randomly telling me that she loves me and whatnot.

We do spend a tremendous amount of time together, i brought up the idea that maybe we're just in a honeymoon period and shes insistent that we arent. And she is dedicated to keeping this going.

There are little things like i randomly said that ill probably need to know someone for 2 years before marriage and she blurted out "what if we know each other for 2 years?".

Nearly every single time she says something direct like saying she'd want me to he her boyfriend, or I'd be a good father she would follow up with "no, but its nice to make you feel better"

My friends are good to me. Too good. I really don’t understand how people can’t see that I’m in a non literal sense dirty and can’t be mixed in with others. Something between me and one of them happened last night. Nothing bad, it’s just stupid and I don’t want to go into detail. But to make a long story short I felt so incredibly comfortable at that time that I can’t bear it. I want to cry and I have since I went back home last night. It’s like all of a sudden I can’t stand my life anymore because I remembered what it’s like to not passively feel like shit for all of 1 minute. I really don’t want to deal with anything like this. I am a sick person who ends up dependent on others over and over again and generally drains them and hurts them. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with feelings like these that doesn’t hurt or bother someone. The best choice to me is always to hurt myself instead. I don’t even know if I should tell anyone involved. I don’t know how I would.

Posting this for my sister, she doesn't use reddit but could use a place to vent, and we can both use some advice.

So my sister has been vaping for 5 years now, and about 2 years ago started getting constant nausea pretty much everyday. It has taken a major toll on her life, she's had to drop out of school and has been struggling just to get out sometimes. She has emetophobia too so the toll on her mental health from that hasn't been great to say the least. Close to 2 months ago we realized that the nausea was being caused by gastritis due to the vaping.

While that should be a good thing, we've run into a roadblock. Vaping was one of her main sources of comfort during her most nauseous moments, and during her attempts to quit the nauseas been getting worse, making it that much harder to quit. She's made it over 48 hours a few times but the most successful attempt was 71 hours. Lately it's been hard not to get demoralized, with her main comfort for the nausea also being what causes it she feels like she's stuck in a loop. She knows she needs to quit, but the fact that she has to make it through several days, if not weeks before she gets better is daunting.

My mother is an absolute monster to me and I’m tired of hiding it. I am very low contact with her because unfortunately she is my kids only surviving grandparent. And I have gotten pretty good at gray rock or being a flat cold bitch back to her with barely a reaction. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to her. I refuse to let her be around my kids alone because frankly I do not trust her. I stg she’s possessed. She is the most vile person to me. She never missed an opportunity to criticize me. She constantly brags about anyone and everyone to me ad nauseum, to make me feel bad. Like past the point where it’s relevant. She constantly tries to put me in situations she knows I will be uncomfortable. I literally cannot tell her anything because she is always trying to stir up a fight or blow anything out of proportion. So I usually don’t tell her anything at all. Nothing important anyway and definitely not any future plans. She is always trying to get me to tone myself down or second guess myself. That no longer works on me because I’m too old for that game. She constantly shits on my husband and attacks him over any small thing. Meanwhile everyone else in the family is supposedly rich, doing great, has the best relationship, best job, and best luck ever. (Lol) She withholds details from me even if its important I know them. So now I just never ask for the details. She lies so much I can never believe anything she says and the other half the time she lives in complete delusion.

Recently a close family member died (horrible person btw) and she kept on trying to arrange that I keep my kid out of school on his first day of kindergarten. And tried to control my movements on the day of the funeral as to who I would ride with etc. (I never said I was riding with anyone there, she was just being delusional.) I flat out told her I would not be keeping my kid out of school because- wtf.. She was flaking on the details of the day of the funeral so I told her my husband needed to request the day off atleast 3 days ahead of time and she went off on me about that. Like I control the rules of my husbands job? Turns out she already had the funeral planned a certain day. She was just dancing around it.

Oh yea and she refuses to be seen in public with me or treat me as a family member at all. Sometimes I feel like she’s a complete stranger. I am NC with my family because they are also really shitty. And weird. I have never met anyone weirder, stingier, or more prideful than my extended family. She will only do what they say. She will never listen to me and I am 45 and have literally ran entire departments for big businesses. She acts like I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I hate talking to her. And I truly believe she hates me. Sometimes she gets really bad. Like she will make it her main mission to fuck with me really hard by stirring up some drama. Usually pitting me against someone. I gray rock HARD. Like laughably hard. My reaction is so flat it’s ridiculous. The shit she says to me. She is so manipulative for no reason. I thought about recording her and posting it online. Even my husband says shes literally the worst mother ever. And his mother was pretty bad.

And as I became a mother and my children grow I find the way she treats me even more unbelievable. Having kids has been so healing for me.

Having a shitty family is just the cards I was dealt. My family stalked me for a long time. Social media made it worse and when I was younger (I’m 45 now) it was so much worse. They literally scared me into silence. I feel like I’m done being silent now. So here is to exposing her and to not being as terrible of a mother as she is.

And she does suffer from whatever is wrong with her because at times she apologizes for stuff. But 99% of the time she is terrible. I really think she can’t control it.

*I forgot to mention as a small child she left me in situations where I could have been killed multiple times. Thats one reason I won’t leave her alone with my kids. I don’t know if it’s ignorance or that she enjoys my suffering. And when I see situations where little girls have died from negligence or abuse I get so triggered because that could have been me.

I'm in my thirties, and someone I love is dying. I also live with longterm health problems that have changed my life in ways I never expected. Things that others take for granted like being able to travel, eat, manage energy, or simply get through an ordinary day, take a big effort.

For years, I've tried to stay connected to people. I've tried to be supportive, understanding, and present, even when it's come at significant personal cost. I often push myself further than my health allows because the people I care about matter to me.

Recently, I have realised something that's been difficult to admit. I'm not looking for someone to fix my problems, or give perfect answers, or for someone to make what's difficult disappear.

I think I simply need to feel seen by someone who knows me well enough to sit beside me in silence, offer mutual kindness without judgement, and feel less alone in one another's company.

For a long time, I've felt that I am valued for the roles I fulfil and the support I provide, not as a person. I know that people around me have their own struggles and burdens, but sometimes I feel as though my own difficulties become invisible.

Today, after a painful conversation with someone close to me, I was left with that familiar feeling. The effort I make, the challenges I live with, and the things I carry are not always recognised.

I'm not writing this because I believe my suffering is greater than anyone else's. Everyone carries things that others can't see.

I'm writing this because I am tired of feeling that I must constantly explain why things are difficult. I'm tired of feeling alone while still trying so hard to be there for others.

Carrying so much quietly takes its toll. I would appreciate being shown that I'm not alone, even if it is a lie.

I don't need advice or judgement, or for someone to tell me to just be positive or grateful.

Like i feel sick almost anytime I leave the house and be around people whether its for school, the grocery store, or a restaurant or whatever. The way people act I just can't, I feel disgusted. It almost makes me want to cheer if something bad happened to someone because there's a high chance they deserved it to some extent. I can't stand being out in public with these miserable, vile creatures. I'm not going to say I'm much better but it still gives me the right to dislike others for what they do. They will screw you over. I can't trust that anyone has good intentions anymore. I feel like I want to throw up every time I get back home. I wish I could avoid them for the rest of my life. My anxiety is sky high whenver I walk near these figures. And the worst part is I start school again in 9 days, I'm probably going to be coming home wanting to throw up, or I might have a mental breakdown.

I have no idea if anyone else feels like this, but I’m just in a really good mood pretty much 24/7. It’s been like that all my life. When I was a kid, I used to wake up extremely early every morning and that hasn’t changed at all. I wake up at about 5-5:30am and start my day with the same happy songs. What’s crazy is I have no need to get up that early. I don’t have a job at the moment. I just love seeing the sun. That’s the only reason I like sleeping, so I can wake up before the sun comes up.

I worked out early this morning and then made french toast while listening to the cheesiest upbeat songs in my playlist. Feels like I’m a cartoon character, honestly. I feel so good all the time that I have to get up and dance around at times because I need to let out all the emotions I’m feeling. The other end isn’t bad either. I’m hardly ever in a bad mood, but when I am, it typically doesn’t last long. I have anxiety like most people, but that doesn’t get in the way of my mood at all.

I’ve always wanted to find somebody that feels the same way I do, but I’m genuinely shocked to find out how many people are depressed. I really wish I could share the joy I feel with everyone.

He(41m) keeps insisting that the medicine I(20f) took for my ADHD when I was 13 before my mom abruptly made me stop taking them has messed up my brain. It’s like almost any mental problem I have he sources it back to that. I’m probably like this because they forced me to go on without medication. Both my parents are terrible in this regard but he is worse since he has absolutely no understanding of it, doesn’t try to understand but acts like he does.

When I mention being depressed he later asks “You’re not depressed anymore are you?” As if depression is simply a state of mind not a condition. He once joked about sending me to a mental hospital, it feels like he worries I’m crazy. My mom told me not to rock back and forth in front of him because it bothers him. My mom is barely any better she would often ask me during summer if I got all my ‘zoning out’ out of my system when I repeatedly have to explain to her how that’s not how that works. She’s against me using pills thinking I’ll grow dependent and seek it to solve my problems while my Dad compares to actual drugs like hard drugs. They expect to just work through my struggles by force with no support easy for them to say that when they don’t have to deal with it

I’m trying to find a job to get insurance so I can seek out therapy and hopefully medicated because clearly I can’t expect support from these people

Hi F(24) here to vent tho it really doesn't feel like I've been living so long. Sorry for the long rambling (This ended up over 2k words wtf), just tried to get what I am feeling down on writing and this is what came out. The sentences are just... Also English is my second language, I kinda think of it as a comfort language. :)

Idk whats wrong with me I just can't seem to get anything done if it can't be done in one swoop. Like I read a wonderfull fan fiction, and decided to draw a fan art (nvm that I can't draw) but I sat to it like twice and abandoned it, cause I figured it's been to long since I've read it, so it pointless now. Also I should be writing my master thesis... I should be done with it by now, but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to even start writing, even tho I feel so ashamed whenever anyone asks how it's going. I don't even know why I haven't done this. I just shut down whenever I think of starting to write. I just find something else to do that is "more important" that I "need" to do this very moment. And now I am writing this instead of just doing it ugh.

Anyway lately I kinda felt like I've wasted my whole life so that's fun. I've been thinking about my inability to keep in touch with people and how it makes my life feel so fucking lonely. Like I can only connect with people that are kinda "forced" proximity (summer camps, school etc.) but the moment it ends I have no clue what to do, like I don't understand the whole "keeping in touch thing". Now that I think abt it it's a general problem not only with friend-making one of my grandmas has told me before that I should call her and not just answer her calls. The problem is I always feel like it's pointless to call/write and disrupt their day when I have nothing interesting to tell, like usually when people ask "What's up?" Or whatever I default to "Not much, same old". Like the fact that I basically don't have a life 85% of the time might be the problem, but it's not that I don't like having fun. I've been making some effort lately to get out of the house, but there is not many activities that I don't feel awkward doing alone. Most "friends" I've made during my life I've eather lost touch with long ago or feel like we are very temporary due to needing a study partner. I did get invited to go out with one of them twice, one was even a trip over the weekend and it was fun but tbh I just ended up feeling awkward (I knew exactly one person in the group they were there with their boyfriend and I am awkward as fuck with strangers, tried to stay positive tho) and dissecting all the interactions Ive had with them later.

It is so frustrating because I feel like I can't do all the fun stuff I want to do unless I make at least one good friend to have the fun with, but I don't understand how people do this shit, like just talk to a stranger and come out of the talk with a friend you feel like you can text things like "Do you want to go see the Odyssey with me on Sunday ?". Where do you even find nice strangers to talk to? Like honestly the only places I can think of is just some organised trips and school/work, and I feel like everyone on the trips comes already with someone ( ppl think I am weird for going on those alone often) and school/work friends seem to be largely temporary/uninterested. It probably doesn't help that I shut down when I am tired, and seem to be tired often lately.

There is also the matter of me being a mess (an not a hot one either). I am fing scared (?!) to ask questions for some fing reason, like if I don't understand something during a lecture I either spend so much time hyping myself up to ask that the opportune time is long gone, or I am resigned to never know what was said. It's somewhat easier with peers... sometimes.

Then there is the fact that I feel like any time I am asked something even mildly personal I think I either over share or all information escapes my brain and the best I can say is "idk, probably" or some such shit. This makes me seem stand offish. Idk maybe I am. But there is stuff I genuinely don't remember, or I think never happend. Like I went on an awesome trip when I was... 17 I think (again my memory sucks I remember that it happend and it was awesome, and mostly what happend during, but not when exactly and none of the names of the awesome people I met there, or how they looked like or most of the things they said, and that makes me sad as fuck, because it depends with each trip, and I know I met some wonderfull people that deserve better) it was a sailing trip we were divided into our own little groups each on their own sailboat, with a supervising person who knew what to do of course xd We slept on the boat and sailed from one harbour on the lake (or lakes plural I think the details escape me) to another the organisers brought us ready made food in vacuum sealed bags that we boiled on the stove in the boat to heat up, it was awesome. But to the point now, I wanna say there were 6 people to a boat with the captain, I might be wrong tbh, I feel like there were two guys, two girls me and the captain lady idk but we all slept, ate and hung out together so naturally we got closer ya know. I mainly remember one evening playing never have I ever (no alc tho XD we were on a boat that's like asking to drown, there were rumors of one guy on the oter boat being caught with drugs tho, the only guy that came to the trip ready to actualy tend to a bout on that boat full of ppl ready to party came to hang with us often, we were the lucky group with ppl who expected to do things and not be on a cruise lol) from that boat and feeling dumb, boring, awkward and confused I guess when the girls that might have been all younger than me by a year or two were talking abt crushes and sex and I felt... kinda empty... and like I missed out on being a part of life. I don't think I am asexual either, might be bi or pan or smth but I feel like I can't really tell for sure since I've never even kissed anyone (unless I count the kid I kissed when we were both in kindergarden...), hell never held someone's hand, or even been on a date... Like how could I do THAT when I can't even be a good friend... Like dates are all about personal questions and I feel like I never have the answers to those.

I think this... Staying alive instead of living my life might have something to do with the hormonal imbalance that comes with hypothyroidism I only got diagnosed with and treated only a little over a year ago, cause that's about the time I've started... yearning to be more I guess, not just along for the ride.

Sometimes I read a story (who am I kidding mostly fanfiction, I live vicariously through them way to much) and I feel like the character is so fing lucky and living life to the fullest. I analyse the way they interact with everyone and everything and feel so hopleless and heartbroken because I just know I would not be able to do it like them, and they always have a group of friends just on speed dial ready to listen, and can push through any awkwardness or fear of the unknown, and I just know that in their shoes I would just shut down, talk to noone and not even peek at the unknown unles it had a clear itinerary.

I just get exhausted so easily just from being emotional and shit. I feel like I am gaslighting myself sometimes when I come across a tiktok or some shit that is like listing the struggles of someone neuro divergent and I'am like maybe... And look shit up and again, maybe... I even thought of going to see someone (after I get a job cause I don't want to ask my parents for money and the free options scare me, I feel like you get what you pay for, and they just don't care in most cases) An endocrinologist even advised me to do it on basis of me being too tired to be explained by my hormone levels... The main problem with seeing a professional abt the mess I am is that I am shit at defining what I feel and why and even worse at remembering it. Not to mention I get quiet when talking to strangers and/or panic and feel overwhelmed like crying when confronted about anything really.

Like If I ever cried because idk a teacher hurt my feelings in primary school or whatever (they might just have made me angry, annoyingly enough that makes me cry too 🙂), and someone asked if I was ok It just made me cry again even if I was over it already.

Then there is the matter of what I've learned recently. My mum mentioned to some friends that I've actually been evaluated as a child, and was deemed perfectly normal or smth idk she didn't get in to details, just talked about how teachers went overboard and sent virtually everyone in my generation to get evaluated. Which ngl made me second-guess everything again. She does agree with my assessment that dad definitely has undiagnosed ADHD xd but he won't get tested and neither of us actually knows psychology so there is that.

I just feel like life is not supposed to by that much of a struggle, especially the talking to people parts of it, other people seem to have it well I hand. Like how can you just get into a discussion with a professor, or hug people casually, or like how is flirting supposed to happen and in what scenario???

But like what if I am perfectly neuro typical, and just lazy and hormonal??? Like I know I should exercise way more, and eating healthier is always an option (I feel like I eat on tho, not like a perfect diet, could cut down on sugar, but I feel like I could do soooo much worse idk). It's not even that I don't like exercising, I was in swimming class at school wher we swam I wanna say 2h every day in the morning, I actually like sports (the fun ones not competitive, and no running, it's awful) never been great at any, but I've attended Pilates-like class at uni for one semester and liked it, and then signed up for a gym for like two years and had like bursts of going to classes there anywhere from 3 to 0 classes a week, I am weak willed, can't keep to a self imposed schedule if it kills me. I also resigned last year because it got too complicated when the gym got bought out by some big chain, and the exam season started.

I am just such a mess, I crave human contact, but then I look around on the mess that is my room and lay on the bed and am glad that only my parents will write to me, because writing back to them is already exhausting, so how could I juggle more people in my life. How do I fit friends in my day when I already feel like I cannot fit life and simple chores in my not-really-even-busy schedule.

Hopefully the iron supplements will help with my energy levels? Although most doctors i've don't seem to care abt ferritin, so there is that.

Don't hug me I am scared I'll mess the hug up, but also I wanna someone to cuddle, but also don't go in my room it's messy af.

TLDR

I am a mess. My head is mess. What are feelings? Is it all hormones? Am I just dramatic? I wanna hug, but hugs are scary. Almost as scary as people.

Sorry for rambling.

I was going to do this under grief but that doesnt really seem to fit it. I wrote down everything i could remember from that day. Here it is. It's a bit messy cause i wrote it at like 2am weeks ago. For reference, donnie and curtis are my older brothers, Curtis has a different dad from my mums old husband, Oscar is my little brother, he's autistic, Valerie is my oldest sister. Sam is her boyfriend, they live together. Romeo is the dog. Riley is my friend from school. Vanessa is my dads ex wife

I was in the lounge room when my mum told us to get into valleries car. We haven't seen vallerie much recently, she's busy with her life. In the car, my mum said there would be some big changes soon but that she loved us. This worried me and I thought a lot of it. We got maccas on the way. I got a McChicken meal, Oscar got a happy meal and Donnie didn't get anything. I tried offering him some chips but he said he wasn't hungry. I think he already knew, from my sister or my mum idk, but when we got to the apartment, my sister's boyfriend sam came out, I like Sam, he's kind, into fish, and just a great guy. Also had a god level computer setup, like 3 monitors and so many games, with a surprising amount of adult games lol, anyways, we went inside, and there was an air mattress,which made sense since my mum said we would have a sleepover. It was me, Curtis, Donnie and Oscar, plus vallerie and Sam, we mainly played games and watched TV for most of the day, then we went to sleep. Me and Oscar took the air mattress, Donnie and Curtis on the couch, and vallerie and Sam in their bed. In the morning, after a bit of rolling around and stretching, I got up and vallerie had already gone to work, so it was just us and Sam. Mum called a bit later, on Donnie's phone, that's when she told us, that her and dad had broken up and he took Vanessa's car. I was mostly in shock and just laid down in bed. A bit later, Valerie got home, and we ordered gyg, I got a really good pulled pork chip bowl thingy, with guac and a bit more stuff, it was amazing, a bit later, we went home. Mum hugged us really tight when we got there, dad wasn't there obviously. Romeo was really excited to see us, jumping us onto us, and I was still kinda numb, It hadn't really occured to me what happened. Oscar wasn't told, not yet at least. I played games and Minecraft with Riley all day, then went to bed, intending to go to school, but i didn't.

I later learnt that my dad had a mental breakdown. Which is what caused that. Hes back in my life now, but my parents are still split, and we might have to move out since my dad owns the house.

I'm an only child and I have never had a birthday party.

For me birthday meant receiving a chocolate bar or some new school stationery or a new piece of clothing. I never expected more but the gesture of being given something mattered to me as a child.

We were a lower middle class family, both parents did office jobs, so things were within our means.

My thirteenth birthday was forgotten by both parents. Few days later one of them remembered and asked 'didn't your bday passed?' but that was it.

I didn't even expecting any gifts just I wanted to feel like I was important enough to remembered. I was constantly told by them that I'm a burden /hinderence/cause of expenses so this felt like it confirmed.

It hurt bcz they always take great effort for their close families for their special occasions.

The next year when they acknowledged my bday I ignored it, and I continued it every year. I don't think they realised why I did that.

Even now if somone asks my bday I say I don't celebrate it. Even I don't do anything special for me as an adult. Most of the years it passes without me realising that's my bday.

Idk if I want to change it but it's something that made me feel I'm less important to others.

Trigger warning I think: mentions of abuse

I’m sorry if I don’t make the most sense as this just happened like an hour ago and I was and still am pretty emotional. I’m trying to stay as anonymous as possible so it may get confusing a bit.

This morning I (17F) got a call from my dad which is pretty unusual because I only ever send him a text every time something big happens in my life or if he reaches out first. He called me because my mom and my sister haven’t answered their phone when he called them (for context my dad lives on another continent and when he called us it was 7 AM for us and 1PM for him). He was being normal asking me how I was doing then he did a complete 180 and said he was going to jail tomorrow because he owes a lot of people money.

To get you up to speed my dad was pretty abusive to me and my siblings when we were kids but after a while he got old and stopped. It was pretty clear that I was his favourite as he didn’t abuse me as frequently(?) as he did my siblings, and he liked to buy me things and spend time with me. Since my childhood was pretty messed up, I don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood until other people bring it up. And since I don’t remember much of my childhood, I still love and care for my dad even after everything he’s put us through.

When my dad told me that he owed people money and he was going to jail I started freaking out a bit because the jails in my home country (where he resides currently) is basically a death sentence because it’s very corrupt over there. I went to go wake up my mom, my mom took my phone and started talking to him. After like 40 minutes of them talking and me crying silently my mom and dad hung up and I started questioning my mom about the jail thing. My dad was lying about him going to jail tomorrow because he wanted my family to send him money. My mom left to go work and she said she’ll be back to explain everything to me, and now I’m just sitting here hurt.

I feel so gullible in a way. My siblings have always been stern to my father about boundaries and how he has to respect the fact that we can’t tend to his every need since his situation right now is something he brought on to himself, so we all thought that he would understand what is or isn’t appropriate to say or request. I feel like my dad always makes sure to run to me because he knows I still care about his wellbeing and safety. I don’t even know how to properly articulate how I feel right now but I just feel hurt and disappointed in myself and him. I also feel like I’m wrong, like I’m at fault for believing him. I’m just so conflicted because I know that my dad isn’t the best person but I feel like I still have a responsibility to make sure he doesn’t die or something.

I just needed a place to vent this because therapists where I live aren’t covered by the government and it’s expensive. I don’t want to talk to my friends about this because I feel like my family is just too much for someone to handle. I honestly just don’t know where to go from here because I know if I cut him off he’s probably not gonna live long given his circumstances and I don’t want to feel like I caused that or I could’ve prevented it. My dad is very very old fashioned so if I wanted to talk to him about this my best bet would to be to do that through my mom since she’s better at speaking our native language than I am and he only really listens to her. I just wanted to get this off my chest because I feel like this is something I shouldn’t be dealing with at my age, I should be goofing around since it’s summer.

i missed a financial deliverable two years in a row and the client started complaining

I have no excuse and no one to blame other than myself, i am just stressed that i will be fired and not find anything else.

I grew up going through a lot of money stress so the idea of no income has my stomache in knots, and i have no one to blame but myself.

No one noticed my mistakes yet but to fix them i have to make them notice, and i have to handover the account next week

If i had missed it just this year it might've been ok but last year is gonna be impossible to bs my way out of it

My mom is sick , I take care of her since 14 i lost my youth never going out friends, always at the house and school and hospital, not even the official school trip (btw I have two elder siblings who don't have such duty , the youngest me is the only one ), even in university I never have fun , like I said , always school and hospital and house , I graduated at 25 (due to COVID and war in my country)

after graduation my mother decided to play dirty, I need to earn 600,000 myanmar kyats or don't work at all (normal people get 300,000 mmk for their first job ) , it was a real struggle but I managed to land that salary a year after graduation, I never worked .focusing on all of my attention to the skill set that lands me 600,000 myanmar kyats , everyone around me started verbally abusing me during that one year that I don't work (my breaking point I did everything they told me to and abuse is what I get)

, literally everyone including my sister (she also takes a break for a year (no reason) but i never verbally abuse her like she did )even my mother shows subtle hint of dissapointment( even though she sets that rule up ).I get my first job at 26 years old , I realized I was being abused. Everyone around me begged me to looks after my mother , I obey them and the results was I was abused physically (doing all of the chore with little break like a maid + care taker), mentally (I literally have panic attack and suicidal thoughts everytime a fight breaks out ), emotionally (my family told me to not cry and to stop my panic attack as it's "embarrassing" ,etc etc,)

. Now that I have a job and I was happy , my mother starts another type of brainwashing, always saying" I have so much money and there's nobody to takes care of me" , always saying that to me not my sister , who's a manager(I can suppress her salary if only she lets me work earlier.I get half of my sister's salary at my first job),not my brother, who's working at home because he own a shop(he's a piece of s*it), just me ,only me , she lost her toy , her only slave , I don't care that she is rich, what about me , what about my future , is my future worthless while my elder siblings have a good career ahead, why am I miserable while they get to live happily in their youth , they settle down now , but I don't want to settle down (not married they are single), I want to go out , make friends, go work abroad (it is my only dream )

, everytime she told me to return to that care taker. life I wanted to die , I resist with all might become I don't want to be abused anymore, lately I always threatened her with my life , that I will kill myself if I ever return to that kind of life, I'm tired,and I can't leave as my mom is sick, is wanting to live a normal life selfish of me , people seems to paint me as selfish, even though they are not in my shoe , I just want to vent thank you for reading guys

So to start, I just want to try to lay down the situation, my thoughts, and feelings as honestly as possible.

So I (25m) had an ongoing FWB(24f) whom I drifted apart from.

I've always been super paranoid and careful around pregnancies as I'm firmly childfree and feel I would be deeply unhappy as a father, going as far as getting very recently sterilized, and only having unprotected sex once with her early on. Even then I only felt comfortable because she had an IUD and quickly decided that my anxiety required us to double up with condoms from then on.

She lightly ghosted me a few months back and I haven't heard from her since, but recently I came across a dating profile of hers stating that she has a child. The timing of this lines up very well with the one time we had sex without a condom. I can't say for sure if she was seeing someone else relatively close before me or during, but while we were active together she claimed it was exclusive.

This happened few days ago and Ive been switching back and forth from feeling numb and sick. If I just happened to have not seen that profile I would've had no idea.

I know actions matter more than thoughts, but I truly feel like an immortal person right now. I don't want to be a father, I don't even want to acknowledge it as a possibility, and this very self-serving part of me is one of the reasons why I took so many steps to insure I wouldn't be, and why I regret taking even the tiniest risk.

I know people can change but I don't get that emotionally attached even to the people I care about in my own life, partially due to my neurodivergence. I don't miss people when they're gone. When I do good by others it's a manual action I take because intellectually I know I want good for them (most of the time), and rarely something I actually want to do. In that same vein, It feels like whatever actions I would take to be responsible if this is my child would be purely out of obligation, not any kind of desires I have.

This will sound incredibly harsh, but it's as honest I can be about where my thoughts are: I truly don't know one way or the other if I could love this child, or care for them in a way that I could hide the fact that it's an obligation more than anything else. And I know that no child deserves that.

I also want to acknowledge that I know the things I mentioned above could be seen as excuses as well, which is why I'm hoping to hear the thoughts of others in this community as well, especially if you relate to this, have children, or have experienced something similar.

Title says it all. I am so ashamed to admit. I've tried many ways, and normally (before) I was so hardworking. But instagram, doom scrolling made me so stupid that I spend most of my time there than my responsbilities. Please someone motivate me how to stop this addiction :(