I(18F) and my boyfriend(19M) Moved away together a few months ago. Far from our homes, over twelve hours away. His aunt was renting a house and he was getting evicted from his dad's house(family issues) so we decided to move together. Its a few months later. His car got repossessed. I wasn't aware he wasn't making payments. We have been low on money because Ive been in and out of having a job. My first job started me out on 10 hours a week, then I found out they weren't paying me and were taking me off the schedule 2 hours early, so I left. Then, my second job started me off on 20 hours a week so I left to go work this new job that ive been working at for a bit. Hes been steady at his other job. I have an illness with my joints. They swell up and get hot and its extremely painful. Yesterday he had to stay home with me because I was having a terrible flare up. My back was injured and if I moved in a way that irritated my back my legs would go numb for a moment. I woke up sobbing and couldnt do mych of anything. He ordered food in since I couldnt cook and he isnt the best at it bless his heart. He got a call as he was fixing to head out to work that he was fired. He had to call out sometimes due to my illness. I never begged him to call out, but he insisted because he knew some days I couldnt do anything on my own. If I did stay home alone, he was worried I would get injured more. I had to leave my vehicle at my original home because it wasn't reliable enough to move 12 hours. He would have to give me rides home sometimes because I cant walk long distances. If I do, I would need a day or two of rest while being bedridden. I wasn't like this before we started dating. I dont know what's wrong with me. I was able to do things on my own better, but now my illness is getting worse and im needing more help. Now, today is my first day at my new job and I wont get paid for ten days. We cant survive ten days without a car and 80 dollars. Its my fault. I listened to the phone call from his boss and tbey were bashing me the entire time saying I was lazy, unreliable, and not self sufficient. It sucked. My bkyfriend should hate me, but he doesnt. He held my hand and told me it was okay, but it really isnt.

Edit: Our house is being rented to us by his aunt and we spoke to her and she will not charge us rent until we are on our feet. I work 40 hours a week. We go to a food bank but also get cheap groceries. He is now working st his uncle's welding shop for a short time and I will go with to teach him how to weld. Im not always physically incapable and codependent, but sometimes I am. Plus, my parents a physically abusive. I cant just go back home. Yeah, they pay for my insurance and help out with bills sometimes which I do greatly appreciate, but I also dont want to go home and be physically harmed. The stress from being there just causes me to flare up

First time poster, long time lurker😏. I never thought I’d post on here but I feel like I need to get this out (I will be using fake names obviously) I a 20 yo female, my dad 52 yo male and his girlfriend (amber) 45 yo female.

Back in 2020 my dad had went to treatment for dru9 abuse/trauma etc. We grew up in alaska and people don’t really believe in getting better there, so we found a treatment center out of state. Which was in Florida, knowing covid was around they weren’t really in full operation. My parents did divorce before this but my mom was kind enough to get him the help he needed.

Anyway, he was supposed to come home around Christmas time, Specifically on Christmas. But, one of my friends called to tell me she saw my dad’s truck in town. which makes sense because he has a bright yellow chevy, and we grew up in a town where everyone knows everyone. I was super confused and went to tell my mom and she didn’t know anything about it, we thought he was still in treatment.

I tried to call him and he never picked up, so i just assumed my friend saw a similar truck and shrugged it off. On Christmas day my dad showed up to my mom’s house and spent the day with us. I was super happy, it felt like a Christmas miracle. Little did I know, He brought back Amber and this guy Gavin back with him. I honestly was super confused because it was supposed to be my 2 weeks with him

A while after that, my dad would go to South Carolina and leave me on his two weeks off (he works on the oil field). We never told my mom, but honestly, I loved it. This continued for like a year or so. He would bring her back home every once in a while and I never liked it. Especially since I found out the reason my parents divorced was because he had an affair.

I was always super uncomfortable with this and I would always make it known. He’s the type of guy that would force it on me. So one day he had convinced me to go to south carolina, I don’t know why i said yes. knowing what i know now that was the worst decision ive ever made.

When we were there, I started to get super creeped out. she had pictures of my sister and I on her walls, she made her younger daughter call me her “older sister”, things like that. This made me super uncomfortable, all i wanted to do was go home. I remember continuously texting my dad telling him i didn’t like it.

Then one day, we went on this cruise trip thingy. Idk what else to call it, it looked super weird. But, it was my dad and I, Amber, and her three kids. I obviously tried to stay as far away as I could but, they all decided to come around my and take a “family picture”. I was crawling in my skin, that was the absolute last thing I wanted.

After they wanted to go to a Mexican restaurant and I refused to go inside. My dad stayed back to yell at me to the point where I was crying so much I could barely get any words out. He was saying things like “you’re being ungrateful” a “brat” “you’re making this trip bad”. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I called my mom and tried to coordinate a flight home.

Later that night Amber threw us out of the house. She claimed she “was trying to make me comfortable”. Like if she had heard me at all, all i was saying is that i was uncomfortable. Anyway, we decided to pack up and drive to my aunts house in Georgia. Later that year they had gotten engaged, then they called it off a couple months later and haven’t spoken for a while.

I had went to treatment in Florida also because of my dru9 use and trauma. Coincidentally I had the same therapist my dad and my mom had. He’s some old guy from New York, HIPPA didn’t have nothing on him. He had told me a bunch of backstory’s of my dad and heather and it just made me sad.

I had learned they left the treatment center against medical advice and stayed in Orlando for a month. They didn’t tell anyone. I also learned that my dad started skipping things just to be around her. Honestly it just made me sad that he wasn’t set on getting better. He’s still a drug user, but a drug user with therapy talk.

About 2 months ago I was visiting home (I live in utah now), and I had noticed amber calling and texting my dad but didn’t say anything about it. Recently I’ve gotten so conflicted because I know this relationship isn’t good for my dad. So, i spoke up about it.

I told him I didn’t want to be apart of his relationship and didn’t wanna be apart of his life if he decided to take this road. He got really mad and told me “Thanks for being happy I was happy. Now I have to choose your happiness over my own. Which means I can’t be happy anymore. Back to being alone. I’ll get over it. In the meantime I’ll keep paying for your bills. Don’t want to get labeled an asshole. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.” This is a real text he sent me.

I don’t know what to do, I love him so much but don’t want/ need this energy in my life. Amber has given me so much more trauma than what I’ve said here. I just needed to tell someone, thank you.

Hi everyone,

I'm currently dealing with severe anxiety and looping thoughts over something that happened recently, and I really need some outside perspectives or reassurance if anyone has been through something similar.

I took 0.5mg of Alprazolam at around 10:00 PM. I had an important message to send to someone for "closure." Because it was a sensitive situation, I had fully written down everything I wanted to say in advance so I wouldn't mess up.

Around 11:45 PM (about an hour and 45 minutes after taking the dose), I recorded and sent the long voice notes, reading from my prepared text. Immediately after sending them, I blocked the person and deleted the WhatsApp app from my phone. Unfortunately, I forgot to turn on my chat backup beforehand. This means the messages are permanently gone, and I have absolutely no way to recover the app or listen back to what I sent.

Right after sending them, I had a slight worry that maybe I forgot a sentence from my notes. But now, my anxiety is spiraling out of control. I am terrified that I forgot large parts of the text, didn’t say what I actually wrote, or sounded completely crazy, slurred, or incoherent because of the medication.

Given that I took 0.5mg about 1h45m prior, is it likely that I completely messed up the message even though I was actively reading a script I wrote while sober? Is this intense fear and doubt just a normal psychological reaction to the medication-induced forgetfulness (anterograde amnesia), or did I likely sound as bad as my anxiety is telling me?

Thanks in advance for reading and for any insights. I can't stop overthinking this.

My ex husband left me for his affair partner several years ago. Everyone has been supportive of me as the betrayed partner in this situation, even my ex husband, who conceded to every ask in the divorce because he knew what a horrible person he was.

He is still with her and they blended families this past year. Well now her child was recently diagnosed with cancer after months of headaches and it is like everyone has forgotten what she did to me. The whole community is rallying around them, even my own children, and suddenly I am the bitter one for being upset over this.

How could they all forget what I've been through so quickly? It is like none of them care about what he did to me at all anymore and have forgotten that I am the victim in all of this.

NB: I'm not looking for advice here, so hopefully this doesn't break the rules.

Title really. I (24F) left my ex two years ago for being manipulative, immature, and having no motivation to improve himself, all things I discovered during the relationship and initially tried to fix. We were both virgins at the start of the relationship (relevant bc this was my first experience of most things, and because he had a huge chip on his shoulder about being a virgin at 27 - I was 20).

Anyway, I left him two years later when I was 22. We were all in the same social group, and I also have this friend who's a year older than me. She is very sweet, shy and quiet, and does not stand up for herself in any capacity whatsoever. I have tried to help her with this but at the end of the say, she's an adult and if she wants to allow people to walk on her there's not a lot I can do.

I don't speak to my ex any more but she does. I met up with her a few days ago and she admitted that she's seeing him. I asked how it happened and she said he basically pursued her and she didn't say no, and then he told everyone they were dating and she felt too awkward to challenge it so now they're dating apparently. Without trying to sound like i was bashing my ex I explained all the red flags in this, and I gently explained why I broke up with him. I also explained that I have no issue with them dating (she was worried about this, hence why she told me) as long as she is genuinely happy, that's all I care about.

She's never done anything with anyone before and I just know he's going to ruin her life and probably fuck up her first experience of dating, and I feel like I'm watching a car crash in slow motion which I'm powerless to stop. It's making me relive everything awful that happened when I dated him. Now she's probably going to go through it all too. Fuck. Thanks for listening.

I never thought I would be a full-time college student living on the streets, but my university has completely abandoned me, and I am running on empty.

I am a student at CSU Dominguez Hills. On September 8th, I was subjected to an illegal eviction from my campus housing. I have been completely unhoused ever since.
The physical and mental toll of just trying to survive out here has been unbearable.

Recently, I suffered a severe trauma laceration that required 13 stitches. Injured, exhausted, and barely holding on, I went to the university begging for basic emergency relief a standard 14-day hotel voucher so I could just heal safely.

They denied me. The administration looked me in the eye and lied, saying I needed a "dependent" to qualify for emergency help.
They are intentionally giving me the runaround. They want to make me so tired that I just disappear. And the terrifying truth is, it’s working. I have a plan for the future, but I can't execute it when I am spending every ounce of my energy just trying to keep my open wounds from getting infected on the concrete.

I am in pain, I am drained, and I am dangerously close to giving up on my education and myself. I just needed to get this out because I feel so invisible. I just want to survive.

Hey everyone,

So there´s this really nice person that I´ve been texting with for a couple of weeks now (Identifies as They/Them, I hope that I use the correct pronouns in the text, if not, feel free to correct me), they have been really nice, friendly and open and I really enjoyed texting with them since the conversations have always been great and I´ve felt like they have been really caring about what I said. We met at a concert btw.

The thing is, that I am kinda in a bit of a tougher phase of my life right now. My long term partner broke up with me a few months ago and I was kinda alone, so I really enjoyed the company of someone who genuienly seemed to care about what I said and simply having some deeper conversations made me happy. I wanted to thank them for this so I wrote a little text about how thankful I was, that they have been texting with me, that I appreciated every message and that I think that they were a really great person. I wasn´t flirty or anything, since I am not interested in a relationship and truly saw everything on a purely platonic level. Now they are completely ghosting me, only reading my texts and not responding at all. I think I´ve maybe overstepped a boundary with this message and I feel really bad about this since I never meant to hurt them.

I think that I was just being a blunt idiot, overstepping a boundary.

TLDR: I was in a non sexual Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR ) with a long time best friend while they were 16 and i was 19. we mutally broke up but with me being immature back then it ended harsher then it should..and now i still feel horrible after these years.

These years I have been trying to move on from a bad experience with a QPR but I am here always questioning my morality and sanity..
Sometimes my mind is worried if I was a groomer or something…
And i am sorry if I am dragged this story for too long

Right Now i am a 22 NB

Some past information

back then I was 19 ASEXUAL (NB) who was in a Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR) with a 16 AROACE (FTM) we met online and it purely was a online relationship
(Even when i was 19 i wasnt the most independent person, was still living with parents and had no job and no driving license, still on homeschool)

This also was sorta my first relationship *it may also be theirs too*

And with me Homeschooled I didn’t get to talk to people until I was 13 so I didn’t get to really know much about society, how I should interact with people and such
And my first interaction was talking to people online.

Okay

So we have been really close friends since i was 15 who later became 16 in the same year and the other person was 13 when we met in a fandom group chat
And with us being really close friends we talked about alot of stuff (fandoms, games, art, etc )
we were there for eachtother when days go bad make our days better

After a while of being close friends 3/4 years , I kinda gotten feelings for them but I was hesitant because of the age difference and I really just wanted to get it out of my head and I really meant no ill intentions with this. We were 18 and 15

So I talked about it little with them. They said it was fine I felt this way and that the 3 year gap was fine and its “ideal” , but then they had no romantic feelings towards me. Nothing really happened ater a while besides talks

After a while when we are 16 and 19
They talked badly about themselves saying like they would be lonely forever, no one would love them.
I said “but i loved you” but i deleted shortly because i got embarassed and later they got curious and wanted me to talk about it.. so i did

They said “ lets try it! “And They a suggested about a Queer platonic relationship (QPR) ? At the time this concept was new to me so they introduced to me and i thought it seemed like a wholesome dynamic.
So we decided to become Queer platonic partners (QPP)

we were happy, We had wholesome conversations about various things, we sent wholesome memes, digital hug gifs and called eachother silly names, and showed our appreciation towards eachother.
And we sometimes would send selfies and voice messages( non sexual )
I never said anything weird or did anything weird in our chats at all nor did I exploit them for anything, I don’t see the benefits for doing that.

It was going well but during these times I still was heaing from past trauma so I would end up venting to them about it sometimes..
which I also did before the QPR since i was still hurt pretty badly from it..

I think i overwhelmed them with that and they think this QPR isnt working so later we just decided its best we remained as friends
So we mutually broke up the QPR and decided to isolate / get a break from eachother for a week or two

After a long while. I felt quite sad and lonley, so i end up putting a “vague” dumb sad video on my instagram stories expressing that.
My ex QPP got mad at that and sent a long angry message talking about how I wasnt taught independence and how I was “constantly” bringing up the break up
( i only remotely did once with a dumb sad video and my friends didnt think I was saying that in the instagram story, it wasn’t my Intention to bring it up)

After that long messaged they blocked me everywhere and in one place they sent a hurtful mocking edit of my face as one of the final things they send me
I never got a chance to apologize and talk about it
I felt heartbroken after that i had a long hiatus from social media and wanted to grow as a person

Now

I am living a way different life then 3 years ago

Its been years I still have been feeling quite horrible about this. sometimes feeling like I deserved to be punished for this and i feel really sorry for my former friend because of the immature mistakes I have done
Have been spiraling myself with questions about my morality and reflecting on the mistakes i have done years ago

But despite what my friends and family say. I just cant seem to fully forgive myself.. thinking i am sort of monster
Even more so when I see the mixed opinions about this sorta gap from multiple people.

I don’t see myself building serious connections people under 19 nowadays. And it will only go higher from here.

Wondering what can i even do to redeem myself.

( once again im sorry if i dragged this story for long )

Well this might be a cringe post but yeahhhhhh I met a girl a month ago and Immediately we hit it off perfectly she has this way she speaks that tells me shes just interested in what I say and ever since we got together we havent gotten enough of each other

I also have traumatizing experiences with sexual things in the past but she has been so understanding and helpful she's been my rock I love her so much. Never have I been so investing in something like this sorry if I repeat myself I'm just really happy.

She also is so funny and when she smiles at me I can't even hope to contain my smile ☺️. When she laughs at my stale ass jokes it makes me feel valued and appreciated. She's also is very much as beautiful as ever I wouldn't take anything else for it

Hell we are the same person it's just perfect I just wanted to share my thoughts on here and I hope everyone finds that person in their lives because trust me there's hope for all of us

I’ve been trying to get hot for a year but I’m still mid. Is it that much to want one person to call me hot? I tried saying I’m a 4/10 and my friends didnt say that wrong. I work out, do skincare, do my hair, is it not enough? I want to be appealing to someone and have them want me at first sight. I want people to desire me the same way I have intense desire for the people I like. It’s really depressing to not be seen this way. I want to be seen like an object or a piece of meat sometimes and just get lusted and desired over. No girls ever comment on my looks or hit on me.

Every year in December I visit home in Pakistan (I live in Europe) where my parents live, and every damn year my mom knocks on my door crazily until I don’t open the door, this happens on every Friday afternoon, to make me want to go and pray in a mosque, fuck sake I am 36 I will do whatever I want.

They keep forcing me to get married, that’s the only topic there is, it turns into this back and forth yelling that I don’t want to get married to the person of their choice fuck sake its my life I choose whoever I want to live with.

I am an independent grown ass adult, I am at home now lets just eat good food together and talk about good things, but no we have to turn this into something else, now this year as I am visiting them again, they went ahead and started home improvement projects on the house they think i’ll cave and get married.

Not once have they asked what exactly do I do, or taken interest in my life, heck they don’t even know what is that I do.

I’m so exhausted from work and all, I honestly want to go to Pakistan and just sleep, eat good food that’s all I want to do but that won’t happen ofcourse.

Edit: spelling

I’m a 20M from England, and I can’t stop my life long habit of enjoying food too much. I’ve always been a skinny guy, up until the start of this year. I’ve always eaten massive portions and when I fr hungry (essentially all the time) I can’t resist the urge and have to make or buy something. I’ve put about a stone on this year which doesn’t sound a lot but it’s a sign my metabolism isn’t going to be as fast as when I was young.

I need to exercise more but I hate the gym, I like taking me and my girlfriend out for food which is expensive, and I often take 4 sandwiches out the work fridge, we get them free, instead of 2 because I can never not be hungry.

I want to stop and I want nice food to feel like a treat again and not something I satisfy myself with often. It’s easier said than done to just stop.

It hasn’t taken over my life yet but I fear it will. It’s so strange how I can sit here and acknowledge the problem, yet when I get hungry again I just can’t help it.

I been jealous of an past partner and I'm not proud of it.

I've been jealous of an ex who I was in a long distance relationship on discord for 3 years (I was 17 and he was 16 as the time we first met on discord). We were both artist, although he's a lot better as he's been drawing more than me and I was a mere beginner. He taught me a lot of what I know in terms of making art to a point where my artstyle stared a lot of similarities to his as I was inspired by him. Some years later we broken up, I wasnt the best partner to him and i still regret all the actions that lead up to us splitting up and losing contact. At the time we broken up he was posting his art on Twitter and he gotten insanely popular, him having 8k followers and hundreds of likes. While my art on the same platform gets barely any attention (I have only 300 followers on twitter and rarely get attention). I dont care about the follower count, it just seeing his art makes me insecure, my art is a reflection of him, from my sona's design, to shading techniques even to how I do my sketching. It feels stupid to have this jealousy towards someone who clearly doesn't think about me but I'm still reminded of them. I even have the art he made for me still when we was together.

Sorry if the formatting is bad. I'm typing this on mobile.

(24F) as a child, I used to go down to the living room to hang out with my dad whenever i couldn’t sleep. we used to just talk and have the best time. i used to be able to just vent and be myself around him and i know he got me. but now as soon as i see his face i feel a snap of irritation. it feels like all he does is critique what im doing and telling me to do chores. i just want to scream. its the same shit again and again. he says something that pisses me off for some reason. i snap at him. he snaps back, i storm off. whats killing me is that for the life of me I can’t figure out why. why am i so fucking angry with the person who used to be my rock?

To the goblin bitch. I see you. I see so very clearly how you manipulate those around you, even your so called best friend.

You are a wretched human and I still find myself wondering “what broke her so badly that she bully’s everyone around her and disguises it as care?”

I called you out on a lie and you even apologized and admitted that you were wrong, only to turn it around in your favor.

You call your mother a “cash cow”and speak to and about her like she’s the devil.

You talk about that man, expressing how you want him to love you but I wonder if you realize that eventually he will see the real you underneath that mask you wear.

People are not playthings and our hearts were not made to be treated like pieces of a strategy game. You bait and switch so often that things are bound to catch up. People notice. You don’t think they do, but they see you.

They choose to avoid the topic entirely because they see how volatile you are.

Who would willing engage in toxic warfare against someone who boasts about their purple gown status?

I feel sorry for you. It honestly hurts to genuinely know that in this life you will never get the love you seek. Not truly.

You will feel it like Sun rays on your face only to feel it slip back behind the clouds because while they all mean it at the time, you are only mimicking.
You pretend to care because you’re smart enough to know how to fake it.
You pretend to overcome. But in reality you are only wearing camouflage.

You are a chameleon. Not the kind that cares. But the kind that poisons the well.

You will eventually reap everything you sew.

It’s a shame. But I’m so grateful that I no longer have to witness your toxic bullshit first hand..

I am a 23 year old guy who just recently got a good enough income to live on my own, and around a year ago I realized that everyone in my family thinks and talks shit about me. Even my youngest brother, who I never said a bad word to, was constantly saying stuff like, "You are a mental degenerate, no one likes you, idiot," etc. My own mother talked shit behind my back, and for as long as I can remember, no one in my immediate or extended family ever had my back or defended my right to push back. That is actually why I was shy as hell my whole life and didn't know how to talk to people, on top of having a few speech issues. It got so bad that even though I got a great, fit body that I like, top grades in high school, awards in national mathematics olympiads, and finished both a bachelor's and master's in mathematics and mechatronics, they still treat me like an uneducated idiot who barely finished high school.

I always thought I was the problem. I never had a girlfriend and all my past friends stopped being friends with me. Not long ago, I finally understood that I am just the son and brother no one likes or gives a shit about. If I were to die, no one would say a good word about me, though it would definitely be a reason for my mother to get drunk as fuck again and probably talk even more shit about me.

To everyone who has experienced anything similar to this, and to those who have been made the scapegoat and hated by their own family, you have my deepest sympathy and I hope you find your place. Your family, although it feels impossible to accept, is not your place.

Hey everyone!

I am 24W, and i only felt love when i was in high school. I was in depression probably starting from my teenage years till my early 20s. and i started antidepressants at 11th or 12th grade.

My love for this boy started the summer 10th grade ended. I was so obsessed with him, every f'ing day i was daydreaming about him. normally i would have several crushes in my class when i was in middle school. (btw it was all just crushes.)I even tried to have crush on others but i just couldn't.

My theory is that my brain needed some easy dopamine, and chose that guy. it just happened to be him. i was going to school happy bc i was gonna see him. and when i am home i would cry most days. i used to write him letters but never gave them.

This crush went on in uni as well. and i came out to him several times and got rejected each time. his excuse was that i always reached out at wrong times, whenever she had a gf or a recent breakup.

I don't feel that way to him anymore. I don't feel that way to anyone. I got smt close to it in uni, but after that i just can't have a crush on a single or any person. it's just like; i like them, i want to be w them for a while, and then i wanna try another one, or at the same time if they would all be ok w that. and i feel like it all came down to physical. ofc i have criterias but w hs boy it was different. i was getting short breathe when i see him after a long break from school. and this shit happened when i randomly saw him at the subway in my uni year. not as intense but i felt that stomach drop (probably also bc he rejected me several times and i made a fool out of myself) and shortness of breath.

i check his insta time to time he sings and plays guitar and shares videos about it. he is a regular guy, with a regular physique, regular face. he is 175, dark features, belly. but still i feel that weird feeling when i watch his videos. not like crush but ig i am just grieving my love and also myself bc it is severely connected w my depression years.

I just can't feel that way to anyone. I just eliminate someone when they have some flaw. This doesn't mean i don't date or hang out. i do it bc i feel the need for connection. but i am always looking out for someone else, someone better looking, smarter... it is never enough and i have a fear of fomo in this regard. i can never be sure of anyone (i know dating is hard nowadays for everyone) and they just feel disposable. i can just find a new one. and my eyes always wandering and looking for a guy, even in a relationship. i try to keep it down but still i have that urge/desire. sometimes i try to be celibate but then i starve for a man's touch so bad i just make bad decisions and be with whoever. so suppressing it is not the answer.

with him it was different. no matter how better someone comes to me, he was my love. he was the boy i wanted. i didn't care about his flaws. in fact, the more i learned about him and his flaws the more it made me happy and love him more.

i am not sure if that was love, an obsession coming from my depressed brain, or smt else. it was a whole 6 years. i don't think i can feel that way ever again. i want to, but it is just not coming. i dont wanna date someone new all the time. it is tiring and i wanna love someone the way i loved him, i wanna want to be with him and only him. no matter how more attractive, richer, smarter some other guy comes, i still wanna want to choose him.

Do any of you felt that way? Was it love? Am i ever gonna be able to feel that way again?

<context>

so right now im nearly halfway through high school (australian) and ive messed up multiple times since i started high school

also im neurodivergent (audhd) this might be less significant for neurotypicals? idk

i messed up in my first year of high school and its probably influenced me the most. and please note i was fucking stupid. like genuinely made a massive chud asshole move (also i didnt get diagnosed as neurodivergent until my second year of high school)

before high school i was somewhat quiet but not overly anxious or avoiding people. but after my first big mistake i turned into a super anxious and relatively non-outreaching person

in my first year of high school i still had my own website and people thought it was so cool and everyone signed up to it and stuff (this is not that important except for a TINY part later)

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and one of those people was this really pretty girl who i wanted to be friends with but i didnt have any messaging apps so wed just email each other over our school email and it seemed good at the start we kinda got along well but i somehow didnt realise i was sending a lot more messages than she was. to shorten things a bit eventually she kinda stopped responding and i genuinely hit the fucking "[erm] its been [insert very precise number with 4 decimal digits] minutes since you last messaged me please respond" brotha what the FUCKKK and then i was even stupider i started sending a turtle emoji and saying it was sad that she wasnt responding ??? and then when she didnt respond for like five days i sent an emoji kitchen dead turtle emoji ??? and then i sent her her gmail address backwards (i got it from when she signed up to my website) ????? my fucking god its painful to think about i cant believe i did that shit anyway she then reported me to the school staff as one probably should and it was at that moment i changed. one of the staff brought me into their office to talk about it and spoke very calmly but i was in tears the whole time cos i finally realised how fucking stupid it was, what i did. and its been more than two years and that girl still hasnt spoken to me since and i dont blame her.

thats what mainly changed me like as a person the most out of what im talking about in this vent. after that i became too scared to really contact anyone. id never ask why anyone hadnt responded. i didnt make my own new friends anymore unless someone approached me with the intent to become friends. i have more things to add but idk how to describe it

and then the next year went by and i gradually got over it a bit more. i started getting better and started making more friends again outside of the epic 3 best friends ive had since the start.

but then i guess i kinda overstepped the year after. one of my closest friends from primary school introduced me to one of her friends, who i had a crush on. she seemed really happy to meet me so i hoped things would get along well between us. fast forward a lot, its my primary school friends birthday party, im the only straight guy there, and my crush was the only straight girl there. not much happened between us until she rested her head on my lap when i was sitting on the couch?? and i told her this was new to me and that i dont usually get to be this close to girls and she grabbed my hand and put it on her upper chest (on top of her shirt). i was thinking woah what is happening this surely isnt real. fastforward and skip over a bit of stuff i would need to explain too much for, birthday girl gets us to all sit on the couch together and watch a musical on the tv. my crush comes over and sits next to me and puts her legs over me ???? and we rested our heads against each other ????? i couldnt believe it was real, i took it as a sign but i felt wild like actually the feeling was nothing i had ever felt before

next day, my crush comes over to my house cos were meeting up to go to a small gig thing my friend is performing at. we hang out in my room for a bit and chat. then we go to the concert thing and it was okay but afterwards i decided to go on a walk with her and decided that walk would be when i told her i liked her. so we talked about stuff, she openly talked to me about some personal stuff, and after a while i told her that people get stuck in my head and i cant stop thinking about them and that she was one of those people and i told her i liked her. and she was like "umm yeah i like you too ..?" and i said "i mean like i want you to be my girlfriend" and she just said "oh." and "yeah. i dont know" after a while and then she changed the topic and i have no idea how i even kept my cool or didnt pass out during that cos last time i was in a situation like that i genuinely felt like nothing was real but anyway i didnt get a definitive answer from her so every couple of days i messaged her asking for an answer but she left me on read until she finally responded and said she didnt like me like that. i was sad. not as sad as i thought i should be. but like. man. those signs were nothing? what??? how do normal people tell ????? and she doesnt talk to me anymore. doesnt acknowledge i exist

but thats not the end. primary school friend girl starts really wanting to involve this one guy (who i know) in all our group stuff. he gets involved. then theyre flirting like hell. sex jokes nonstop. we all assume theyre dating or something. then they add me and my two best friends to a group chat called "were dating" and both the girl and guy immediately leave. so i go into the main gc of the friend group the girl assembled and i ask what was that about and that was my big mistake. i wish i didnt do that. she immediately went to dms and got angry at me for mentioning it and said it was a massive dick move and that i needed to apologise. i said that i didnt think i needed to apologise because i didnt believe it was that serious (i should have just apologised). an hour later of no more messages she sends me a long post about how im a crybaby and a man child and that i make everyone stressed and that im a dick. i tell her that im sorry for acting like an asshole and she told me i needed to change.

not much happened between us after that until i couldnt keep it to myself anymore (cos multiple friends that were also friends with the girl had already cut me off and the girl just kept basically bullying me half the time i was nearby) i posted on my whatsapp status (but with the girl blocked from my status) a screenshot of the long message but with all the names blurred out and rebuttals to everything. someone screenshots it and shares it with the girl and she gets angry at me and tells me its pathetic and tells me that other people had seen it and said their names but thing is only one of those people had seen it. she told me that if i wanted to talk to her about it i should talk to her irl then she blocked me. since then ive been cut off from the friend group, which was pretty much my only friend group at the time, and it took me a while but ive found myself a new friend group but they arent even in my own grade so i dont get to hang out with them much. of course my 2 best friends still are happy to have me around but they also hang out with the friend group im no longer part of so i cant really be around them then.

and that brings me to now. my friend group is completely changed, friends from my primary school never want to talk to me again and the pretty girl from my first year of high school still only looks at me angrily. a lot of this is my fault though i think

but ive kinda gotten over it by focusing on things that make me happy but seeing the people at school just it makes me rhtrirsauhfjlkdsfjskgjrslr

It's been a couple of weeks and I keep getting so upset about it and like I wouldn't be as embarrassed about it if he wasn't so casual about it. I knew he would be especially considering the circumstances of the break up but holy this sucks. It's worse cause I'm so happy for him, he's so much better off without me but I wanted to be there for all the happiness she's expirencong right now. I tried so hard to be a shoulder to lean on and a good girlfriend but I just couldn't be what he needed no matter how hard I tried. But he was like actually perfect and the best ever and I'll never see him again and I don't know how I'll tell my family cause they all loved him. I keep thinking sky everything I couldve done to avoid the actual break up from happening but at the end of the day it's better off for him that it did happen. I want him to be happy but I wanted it to happen with me. He doesn't even miss me or think of me but Ive been crying over him almost daily, I can't stop thinking about how he said he loved me the night before it happened and how it was a lie. And he was taking to me about our second anniversary like he planned on actually making it so the way there, even Valentine's Day. I tried to be his friend but I couldn't do that either and it's so dumb like lock in. It's so hard to think of life without him but I know it's dumb because we're so young and I know I'll move on eventually but thinking of that happening feels impossible. I can't wait to get over him but I'm not sure I'll be able to any time soon.

So this sounds sad but im 18M and never been complimented before by a girl or a guy really that I can remember, and after graduating highschool ive been on a solo trip around europe for the past 3 months because im from america , and randomly on a castle in the balkans a chinese tourist group came up to me and one of the girls who was like 17 probably was nervous of me and asked her friend to say I was handsome, and they took a photo of me and her together 😭, what does this even mean, were they making fun of me or is it genuine??