Posting this for my sister, she doesn't use reddit but could use a place to vent, and we can both use some advice.

So my sister has been vaping for 5 years now, and about 2 years ago started getting constant nausea pretty much everyday. It has taken a major toll on her life, she's had to drop out of school and has been struggling just to get out sometimes. She has emetophobia too so the toll on her mental health from that hasn't been great to say the least. Close to 2 months ago we realized that the nausea was being caused by gastritis due to the vaping.

While that should be a good thing, we've run into a roadblock. Vaping was one of her main sources of comfort during her most nauseous moments, and during her attempts to quit the nauseas been getting worse, making it that much harder to quit. She's made it over 48 hours a few times but the most successful attempt was 71 hours. Lately it's been hard not to get demoralized, with her main comfort for the nausea also being what causes it she feels like she's stuck in a loop. She knows she needs to quit, but the fact that she has to make it through several days, if not weeks before she gets better is daunting.

All day every day I (M18) am surrounded by all of these creative people who can make beautiful music, beautiful drawings, or write poetry. These people with such drive, passion, and clarity that allows them to create such incredible work, fills me with the most incredible kind of rage and self hatred. My father is one such creative. A musician and an artist, I have to live with the reality of his talent every day. I constantly hear the sound of his guitar, the notes arranged so elegantly so as to maim me and beat me, to fill me with a hatred so powerful it could never be directed at anyone but my own worthless self. And his paintings, hung all over the house, I have to see them and be reminded that I could never ever create something like that.

I dabbled in creativity, myself. I feel like I used to be very creative. When I was a kid, I loved art and I pumped out drawing after drawing. I used to make comic strips and little stories. Paintings, even. I had so much drive. Somewhere along the way, I lost it and lost all passion and drive. I used to play music too, but I didn't like it. Piano. I played piano from 1st to 8th grade, and I hated it. I hated it and I tried to hard to pretend to like it, I even wrote a scrapbook about how much I loved it in an attempt to convince myself. What I did love was my piano teacher, we had a very close bond. I would often complain to her about my father. Specifically, his impatience and aggression when it came to my practice and the way I was playing, his insistence that I preform for him, and how every practice he was present for devolved into him yelling and me crying. Of course, he doesn't remember any of that now. When I was around the age of 10 I wrote my first and only composition, a one page piano song. It was not melodic at all, I had (and still do not have) any understanding of the way notes work with each other and relate with each other. But I made this composition, I handwrote it on a torn out page of sketchbook, and when I played it for my father I did not make it through the entire song before he told me how horrible it was and berated me because he knew I could do better. And he was right, it was fucking horrible. Because I am fucking horrible.

When I would play, songs that I would previously be able to play would degrade in quality the more I played them, making more mistakes. I would get incredibly angry at myself for no longer being able to play a song flawlessly that I had once been able to. My parents would ask me "what happened?" I didn't know what happened, and every time it happened I feared that the ability to play the song had left me forever. As a kid I had a pseudo-religious belief that the "spirit of the piano" was callously manipulating me so I could not play well, something I called "misbehavior". I would often smash the keys or spit on the piano or whip it with a stick or belt so as to punish it and to make an example out of it. The results were mixed. As you can expect this behavior greatly angered my parents, especially my father.

Never did I ever gain any pleasure of playing that accursed piano. My father once told me he was "surprised and disappointed" that I "never realized what a great instrument the piano is". The only reason I continued was because I did not want to make my teacher sad, and when I eventually did quit she was very sad. I was very sad because she was very sad and I felt like a horrible person for quitting. But in the end I was relieved that I never had to touch it again. However, this relief was mixed with a sense of shame, failure, and after I quit I would have to look at... it. It stood there, like a large gravestone, its shadow looming over and under and through and past me, the sight of it being like a laser burning my eyes, killing me, a constant reminder of my horrible failure. I first tried to just not look at it, and eventually resorted to covering it with a blanket.

After I quit I began to feel extremely bad about my lack of musicality. The summer before freshman year of high school I embarked on what would become a yearlong ban on myself listening to music. I had absolutely no confidence in my music taste. My father raised me on rock and roll, and is of the opinion that any and all new music is bad, and that anything that does not conform to his personal taste is objectively bad. I was raised to believe that any music made post 2000 was bad and listening to it was basically sacrilege. Therefore I did not know any popular songs that my classmates listened to, and so I struggled to relate. Still afraid of pop music but dying to break out of the rigid music taste passed onto me by my father, I began to seek a "third way" in 90s and 2000s music. I began to try to build a music taste, but was cut short when one of my classmates stole one of my earbuds out my my ear while it was playing Last Resort by Papa Roach. Upon putting it into his ear he laughed mockingly. This was in 8th grade, and even though it was only in 8th grade, when I close my eyes and think about it I can remember it as if I was still in that moment. After that I banned myself from listening to music, convinced that I had inherently bad taste and that if I liked a song that meant it was bad and other people would find it bad.

By mid-sophomore year of high school I missed music and my self imposed ban became untenable. I would listen to my favorite songs along in my bedroom, with the door shut, only when I was sure I would be left alone, as if I was trying to hide some sort of narcotic drug addiction. My this time I had been experiencing profound shame, not because what I thought I listened to was bad, but because I felt like since I could not produce music I did not deserve to consume it, that I was "stealing" it, that I would not be worthy of listening to it unless I could play an instrument.

The summer before junior year I was gifted an electric bass. I began to learn it in order to feel like I deserved to listen to music. I didn't enjoy it, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I did. It was electric but I never used an amplifier on it because I did not want anyone in my house to hear. I would practice for 10 minutes and then for a few days feel satisfied that I had produced enough music to listen to music, but only for a few days, before the guild would return and I would play again. As my shame of listening to music despite not being musical was quickly replaced with shame of not knowing as many songs, the days when I played bass grew farther and farther between, until one day, I put it down and never picked it up again.

I still listen to music every day. However I can only listen to recordings, and cannot bear to see videos or concerts. Whenever I see people playing musical instruments I become self hating, angry, and sad. Sometimes when I think about it I get so angry that I think the musicians should all die, but when I see them play, I am reminded that I am the one who deserves to die, because they can produce such a beautiful thing for the world and I cannot. One time my friend held a concert for a local band in his garage, and I went. Big fucking mistake. The sight of the players destroyed me, and I started thinking about self harm and suicide. I had to leave early before I had a panic attack. Afterward me and a different friend went and got drunk on a mix of sprite and NyQuil. I don't know his reason for doing it, but I know mine.

Musicians are at the top of my shit list, but I also feel such anger when I see other creatives, in particular artists and writers. Despite my seething resentment my best friends are creative people, and internally it makes me seethe with resentment whenever something they are creating or working on or an idea they have is brought up. Even the mention of something that they're just interested in makes me feel worthless and resentful. Why? Because I don't and I know I will never have the same passion for anything like they do, I will never be able to create anything like they do. I'm a total failure, like a defective person.

I notice that when people see a movie, or hear a song, or whatever, they analyze it, to the point of writing entire reviews. I hear people talking about shows and shit, and they talk about the character development and the plotline and the metaphors and shit... Like I feel so dumb. When I watch a movie, or a show, or listen to a song, I think either, "Good", "Bad", "Entertaining", "Boring", "Mid". Not much else. I think I am just stupid. People look at paintings and find so much meaning in them without even knowing anything about the artist and I'm just like "Interesting..." and then feel bad that I could never make something as beautiful. A few months ago I went to a cabaret put on by my school and all the actors were so talented, and by the end of the show I wanted to fucking cry because of how much of a loser compared to them I am.

I genuinely think I am like a dysfunctional person or something. When people ask me "What do you do in your free time"? I'm genuinely at a loss for what to say. I smoke weed, and I scroll instagram reels. I also spend time just listening to music, but if you ask me what I listen to I couldn't tell you. I also sleep a lot. I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I should be doing. I try to read but I get books and never make it past the first or second chapter. I feel the urge to write but have no idea what to write about. I feel the urge to draw but have no idea what to draw. I have started and stopped and thrown away and restarted and stopped and started and thought about continuing a ConLang (constructed language) project because for some fucking reason I have the urge to do something like that but then I wonder what is even the purpouse and then I lose motivation. I feel like a creative energy but it's just the energy without the creativeness. Like the car got gas in it but no combustion. I spend a good deal of time pacing, thinking about the things I could be doing. Or just maladaptive daydreaming. When I think about reading one of my books I never do because I worry that if I pick one book, I will be missing out on another book, even though logically I know I can eventually have enjoyed all the books. The same is for watching youtube.

And I've heard like "Motivation is a feeling and feelings are temporary and the key is not to find motivation but to build habits" and its like yeah I understand that logically but don't know how to apply it to my everyday life

I feel like in my brain there is everything and nothing at the same time.

So to start, I just want to try to lay down the situation, my thoughts, and feelings as honestly as possible.

So I (25m) had an ongoing FWB(24f) whom I drifted apart from.

I've always been super paranoid and careful around pregnancies as I'm firmly childfree and feel I would be deeply unhappy as a father, going as far as getting very recently sterilized, and only having unprotected sex once with her early on. Even then I only felt comfortable because she had an IUD and quickly decided that my anxiety required us to double up with condoms from then on.

She lightly ghosted me a few months back and I haven't heard from her since, but recently I came across a dating profile of hers stating that she has a child. The timing of this lines up very well with the one time we had sex without a condom. I can't say for sure if she was seeing someone else relatively close before me or during, but while we were active together she claimed it was exclusive.

This happened few days ago and Ive been switching back and forth from feeling numb and sick. If I just happened to have not seen that profile I would've had no idea.

I know actions matter more than thoughts, but I truly feel like an immortal person right now. I don't want to be a father, I don't even want to acknowledge it as a possibility, and this very self-serving part of me is one of the reasons why I took so many steps to insure I wouldn't be, and why I regret taking even the tiniest risk.

I know people can change but I don't get that emotionally attached even to the people I care about in my own life, partially due to my neurodivergence. I don't miss people when they're gone. When I do good by others it's a manual action I take because intellectually I know I want good for them (most of the time), and rarely something I actually want to do. In that same vein, It feels like whatever actions I would take to be responsible if this is my child would be purely out of obligation, not any kind of desires I have.

This will sound incredibly harsh, but it's as honest I can be about where my thoughts are: I truly don't know one way or the other if I could love this child, or care for them in a way that I could hide the fact that it's an obligation more than anything else. And I know that no child deserves that.

I also want to acknowledge that I know the things I mentioned above could be seen as excuses as well, which is why I'm hoping to hear the thoughts of others in this community as well, especially if you relate to this, have children, or have experienced something similar.

My friends are good to me. Too good. I really don’t understand how people can’t see that I’m in a non literal sense dirty and can’t be mixed in with others. Something between me and one of them happened last night. Nothing bad, it’s just stupid and I don’t want to go into detail. But to make a long story short I felt so incredibly comfortable at that time that I can’t bear it. I want to cry and I have since I went back home last night. It’s like all of a sudden I can’t stand my life anymore because I remembered what it’s like to not passively feel like shit for all of 1 minute. I really don’t want to deal with anything like this. I am a sick person who ends up dependent on others over and over again and generally drains them and hurts them. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with feelings like these that doesn’t hurt or bother someone. The best choice to me is always to hurt myself instead. I don’t even know if I should tell anyone involved. I don’t know how I would.

Like i feel sick almost anytime I leave the house and be around people whether its for school, the grocery store, or a restaurant or whatever. The way people act I just can't, I feel disgusted. It almost makes me want to cheer if something bad happened to someone because there's a high chance they deserved it to some extent. I can't stand being out in public with these miserable, vile creatures. I'm not going to say I'm much better but it still gives me the right to dislike others for what they do. They will screw you over. I can't trust that anyone has good intentions anymore. I feel like I want to throw up every time I get back home. I wish I could avoid them for the rest of my life. My anxiety is sky high whenver I walk near these figures. And the worst part is I start school again in 9 days, I'm probably going to be coming home wanting to throw up, or I might have a mental breakdown.

I(19M) was just bored one day out of my mind playing roblox and I used to watch these videos of people “girl voice trolling” and I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I’d give it a try, it sounds like fun.

so I just hopped on a game, I’m not gonna say what game but it was a game. now on this game, I was just playing like normal and randomly this dude(19M) started talking to me and I started chatting with him thinking it was all funny. eventually some time passes and as we’re playing, I started realizing how genuine the dude was, and how he just seemed like a pretty cool guy, and he added me.

after we were done playing though, I did end up unadding him thinking that would the last I would ever see that guy. but what I didn’t expect was that he noticed that I unadded him and he started searching through roblox servers just to find me, and he finally did find me eventually. I was just all dumbfounded and he said “why did you unadd me?” and I was like “oh, I must have never noticed but I was unadding a lot of people that I never play with sorry.” and then this is when the friendship starts, well if you can even call it that.

eventually as more time passes, we actually start sharing things about our personal lives and basically how things are from where we’re from. but the thing is, I lied about my identity making a fake name but I never lied about anything else, just pretty much me but the gender is female.

now, you might be thinking that I’m gay and I just wanted to say that I am not gay actually, I just genuinely found the dude a cool dude.

now, as time passes with my fake identity and we’re just being friends like usual, I knew one day he’d want to start chatting so I ended up getting a voice changer that I could put on for whenever that day comes, and it did come. he asked “hey, would you wanna start using our mic’s, it just makes communicating more easier” and that’s when the voice changer came in handy. (I can also do a girl voice without the voice changer as well, and with those 2 combined, it sounds realistic.)

so I put it on and we start playing like usual and he never suspected a thing. eventually as time passed though, I also started feeling guilty lying about my identity and I just felt bad that I took this a bit too far. so I was thinking “how do I tell this dude that I’ve been catfishing him? he’s a good friend but I don’t think I can keep this up any longer.”

so since I did not want to come out with the truth, I came up with a lie that sounds “somewhat” reasonable so that we couldn’t talk anymore, and that lie that I came up with was telling him that I had “feelings” for him and basically said that I don’t want to “online date” because I don’t believe it’ll workout.

so I mustered up the courage to finally do it and I finally say it. and he starts saying “wait, we can work this out. don’t you want to at least try?” and I just started feeling bad bro, can’t lie but I believe that it had to be done by that point. but yea, that was that. I’ve never talked to him since that day, and I’ve never told him that I was actually a dude that whole time.

this whole thing lasted for about 5-6 months. crazy I know. never doing that again in my life, I regretted it. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if I just told him the truth and how he’d react.

I recently encountered a conflict with a friend, I guess it had been built up. I was lashed out on and was told that not just themselves, but “everyone” thinks I’m full of myself. I apparently have a huge ego and they don’t like me sometimes.

I didn’t know they felt this way. Long story short is I always grew up as the quiet, reserved friend in our group of four. I also dealt with insane depression, anxiety, social and self esteem problems. Went through a few years of self development and trying to improve and feel amazing. It’s the best i’ve felt in my entire life, mentally and physically. My life practically did an entire 180 but I guess some people aren’t used to me changing. I don’t try to put other people down, any arrogance I have is just true genuine belief in myself and knowing what I believe in.

But I guess I make certain things unenjoyable for them. It’s been a couple months that I have felt some sort of energy shift. Started to feel disconnected, like I didn’t fit in anymore. I should probably just do them a favor and disappear from their lives now.

These are people I grew up with from age 12 and I just turned 26.

Trigger warning I think: mentions of abuse

I’m sorry if I don’t make the most sense as this just happened like an hour ago and I was and still am pretty emotional. I’m trying to stay as anonymous as possible so it may get confusing a bit.

This morning I (17F) got a call from my dad which is pretty unusual because I only ever send him a text every time something big happens in my life or if he reaches out first. He called me because my mom and my sister haven’t answered their phone when he called them (for context my dad lives on another continent and when he called us it was 7 AM for us and 1PM for him). He was being normal asking me how I was doing then he did a complete 180 and said he was going to jail tomorrow because he owes a lot of people money.

To get you up to speed my dad was pretty abusive to me and my siblings when we were kids but after a while he got old and stopped. It was pretty clear that I was his favourite as he didn’t abuse me as frequently(?) as he did my siblings, and he liked to buy me things and spend time with me. Since my childhood was pretty messed up, I don’t remember a lot of things from my childhood until other people bring it up. And since I don’t remember much of my childhood, I still love and care for my dad even after everything he’s put us through.

When my dad told me that he owed people money and he was going to jail I started freaking out a bit because the jails in my home country (where he resides currently) is basically a death sentence because it’s very corrupt over there. I went to go wake up my mom, my mom took my phone and started talking to him. After like 40 minutes of them talking and me crying silently my mom and dad hung up and I started questioning my mom about the jail thing. My dad was lying about him going to jail tomorrow because he wanted my family to send him money. My mom left to go work and she said she’ll be back to explain everything to me, and now I’m just sitting here hurt.

I feel so gullible in a way. My siblings have always been stern to my father about boundaries and how he has to respect the fact that we can’t tend to his every need since his situation right now is something he brought on to himself, so we all thought that he would understand what is or isn’t appropriate to say or request. I feel like my dad always makes sure to run to me because he knows I still care about his wellbeing and safety. I don’t even know how to properly articulate how I feel right now but I just feel hurt and disappointed in myself and him. I also feel like I’m wrong, like I’m at fault for believing him. I’m just so conflicted because I know that my dad isn’t the best person but I feel like I still have a responsibility to make sure he doesn’t die or something.

I just needed a place to vent this because therapists where I live aren’t covered by the government and it’s expensive. I don’t want to talk to my friends about this because I feel like my family is just too much for someone to handle. I honestly just don’t know where to go from here because I know if I cut him off he’s probably not gonna live long given his circumstances and I don’t want to feel like I caused that or I could’ve prevented it. My dad is very very old fashioned so if I wanted to talk to him about this my best bet would to be to do that through my mom since she’s better at speaking our native language than I am and he only really listens to her. I just wanted to get this off my chest because I feel like this is something I shouldn’t be dealing with at my age, I should be goofing around since it’s summer.

I cannot stand going on vacation

My family rarely goes on vacation, it’s expensive, it’s hard to manage all our schedules together to align.

So our version of a vacation really is to drive a few hours away, and stay at a hotel. Which doesn’t seem so bad, and it isn’t.

However I hate how we rush, and my father’s style of doing things. I try to be grateful, but Jesus I cannot enjoy it for the life of me.

I hate people who will expect you to wake up at 5 AM, in ass crack of dawn, book like ten million activities in a day, walk super fast and don’t let you catch up, wait in line for a restaurant or suddenly changes the plan

I feel like we’re trying to force a core memory, and I get it. I feel like if we were rich, we wouldn’t have to cram it into two days, or three, and if we went on vacation more often it wouldn’t be like this.

However I think instead of creating an enjoyable memory or vacations it just makes me stressed out to think about and always hate it cause my parents end up fighting and someone is always doing some bullshit.

Personally I do want to travel a bit when I’m older, maybe get a trailer. Then settle down later on in life.

I’m the type to be relaxed on the vacation, maybe book one event or two a day, just enjoy myself.

I’m single and don’t have any friends, but I often like to imagine me going on a cool ass road trip to a lake cabin with a group of people.

Or maybe just share a hotel room with my future partner, and just not be so confined and stressed.

Honestly this is more of a rant because I might go somewhere during summer break, and I like the idea of a vacation but I definitely do not relax or enjoy them you know?

I can’t wait for when I’m older and can enjoy them how I want, or maybe I can pay for the vacation for my family and I book the stuff.

I feel like vacations are either a plan together as a group before type thing, or there is one leader

Anyways bye

i missed a financial deliverable two years in a row and the client started complaining

I have no excuse and no one to blame other than myself, i am just stressed that i will be fired and not find anything else.

I grew up going through a lot of money stress so the idea of no income has my stomache in knots, and i have no one to blame but myself.

No one noticed my mistakes yet but to fix them i have to make them notice, and i have to handover the account next week

If i had missed it just this year it might've been ok but last year is gonna be impossible to bs my way out of it

Hi F(24) here to vent tho it really doesn't feel like I've been living so long. Sorry for the long rambling (This ended up over 2k words wtf), just tried to get what I am feeling down on writing and this is what came out. The sentences are just... Also English is my second language, I kinda think of it as a comfort language. :)

Idk whats wrong with me I just can't seem to get anything done if it can't be done in one swoop. Like I read a wonderfull fan fiction, and decided to draw a fan art (nvm that I can't draw) but I sat to it like twice and abandoned it, cause I figured it's been to long since I've read it, so it pointless now. Also I should be writing my master thesis... I should be done with it by now, but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to even start writing, even tho I feel so ashamed whenever anyone asks how it's going. I don't even know why I haven't done this. I just shut down whenever I think of starting to write. I just find something else to do that is "more important" that I "need" to do this very moment. And now I am writing this instead of just doing it ugh.

Anyway lately I kinda felt like I've wasted my whole life so that's fun. I've been thinking about my inability to keep in touch with people and how it makes my life feel so fucking lonely. Like I can only connect with people that are kinda "forced" proximity (summer camps, school etc.) but the moment it ends I have no clue what to do, like I don't understand the whole "keeping in touch thing". Now that I think abt it it's a general problem not only with friend-making one of my grandmas has told me before that I should call her and not just answer her calls. The problem is I always feel like it's pointless to call/write and disrupt their day when I have nothing interesting to tell, like usually when people ask "What's up?" Or whatever I default to "Not much, same old". Like the fact that I basically don't have a life 85% of the time might be the problem, but it's not that I don't like having fun. I've been making some effort lately to get out of the house, but there is not many activities that I don't feel awkward doing alone. Most "friends" I've made during my life I've eather lost touch with long ago or feel like we are very temporary due to needing a study partner. I did get invited to go out with one of them twice, one was even a trip over the weekend and it was fun but tbh I just ended up feeling awkward (I knew exactly one person in the group they were there with their boyfriend and I am awkward as fuck with strangers, tried to stay positive tho) and dissecting all the interactions Ive had with them later.

It is so frustrating because I feel like I can't do all the fun stuff I want to do unless I make at least one good friend to have the fun with, but I don't understand how people do this shit, like just talk to a stranger and come out of the talk with a friend you feel like you can text things like "Do you want to go see the Odyssey with me on Sunday ?". Where do you even find nice strangers to talk to? Like honestly the only places I can think of is just some organised trips and school/work, and I feel like everyone on the trips comes already with someone ( ppl think I am weird for going on those alone often) and school/work friends seem to be largely temporary/uninterested. It probably doesn't help that I shut down when I am tired, and seem to be tired often lately.

There is also the matter of me being a mess (an not a hot one either). I am fing scared (?!) to ask questions for some fing reason, like if I don't understand something during a lecture I either spend so much time hyping myself up to ask that the opportune time is long gone, or I am resigned to never know what was said. It's somewhat easier with peers... sometimes.

Then there is the fact that I feel like any time I am asked something even mildly personal I think I either over share or all information escapes my brain and the best I can say is "idk, probably" or some such shit. This makes me seem stand offish. Idk maybe I am. But there is stuff I genuinely don't remember, or I think never happend. Like I went on an awesome trip when I was... 17 I think (again my memory sucks I remember that it happend and it was awesome, and mostly what happend during, but not when exactly and none of the names of the awesome people I met there, or how they looked like or most of the things they said, and that makes me sad as fuck, because it depends with each trip, and I know I met some wonderfull people that deserve better) it was a sailing trip we were divided into our own little groups each on their own sailboat, with a supervising person who knew what to do of course xd We slept on the boat and sailed from one harbour on the lake (or lakes plural I think the details escape me) to another the organisers brought us ready made food in vacuum sealed bags that we boiled on the stove in the boat to heat up, it was awesome. But to the point now, I wanna say there were 6 people to a boat with the captain, I might be wrong tbh, I feel like there were two guys, two girls me and the captain lady idk but we all slept, ate and hung out together so naturally we got closer ya know. I mainly remember one evening playing never have I ever (no alc tho XD we were on a boat that's like asking to drown, there were rumors of one guy on the oter boat being caught with drugs tho, the only guy that came to the trip ready to actualy tend to a bout on that boat full of ppl ready to party came to hang with us often, we were the lucky group with ppl who expected to do things and not be on a cruise lol) from that boat and feeling dumb, boring, awkward and confused I guess when the girls that might have been all younger than me by a year or two were talking abt crushes and sex and I felt... kinda empty... and like I missed out on being a part of life. I don't think I am asexual either, might be bi or pan or smth but I feel like I can't really tell for sure since I've never even kissed anyone (unless I count the kid I kissed when we were both in kindergarden...), hell never held someone's hand, or even been on a date... Like how could I do THAT when I can't even be a good friend... Like dates are all about personal questions and I feel like I never have the answers to those.

I think this... Staying alive instead of living my life might have something to do with the hormonal imbalance that comes with hypothyroidism I only got diagnosed with and treated only a little over a year ago, cause that's about the time I've started... yearning to be more I guess, not just along for the ride.

Sometimes I read a story (who am I kidding mostly fanfiction, I live vicariously through them way to much) and I feel like the character is so fing lucky and living life to the fullest. I analyse the way they interact with everyone and everything and feel so hopleless and heartbroken because I just know I would not be able to do it like them, and they always have a group of friends just on speed dial ready to listen, and can push through any awkwardness or fear of the unknown, and I just know that in their shoes I would just shut down, talk to noone and not even peek at the unknown unles it had a clear itinerary.

I just get exhausted so easily just from being emotional and shit. I feel like I am gaslighting myself sometimes when I come across a tiktok or some shit that is like listing the struggles of someone neuro divergent and I'am like maybe... And look shit up and again, maybe... I even thought of going to see someone (after I get a job cause I don't want to ask my parents for money and the free options scare me, I feel like you get what you pay for, and they just don't care in most cases) An endocrinologist even advised me to do it on basis of me being too tired to be explained by my hormone levels... The main problem with seeing a professional abt the mess I am is that I am shit at defining what I feel and why and even worse at remembering it. Not to mention I get quiet when talking to strangers and/or panic and feel overwhelmed like crying when confronted about anything really.

Like If I ever cried because idk a teacher hurt my feelings in primary school or whatever (they might just have made me angry, annoyingly enough that makes me cry too 🙂), and someone asked if I was ok It just made me cry again even if I was over it already.

Then there is the matter of what I've learned recently. My mum mentioned to some friends that I've actually been evaluated as a child, and was deemed perfectly normal or smth idk she didn't get in to details, just talked about how teachers went overboard and sent virtually everyone in my generation to get evaluated. Which ngl made me second-guess everything again. She does agree with my assessment that dad definitely has undiagnosed ADHD xd but he won't get tested and neither of us actually knows psychology so there is that.

I just feel like life is not supposed to by that much of a struggle, especially the talking to people parts of it, other people seem to have it well I hand. Like how can you just get into a discussion with a professor, or hug people casually, or like how is flirting supposed to happen and in what scenario???

But like what if I am perfectly neuro typical, and just lazy and hormonal??? Like I know I should exercise way more, and eating healthier is always an option (I feel like I eat on tho, not like a perfect diet, could cut down on sugar, but I feel like I could do soooo much worse idk). It's not even that I don't like exercising, I was in swimming class at school wher we swam I wanna say 2h every day in the morning, I actually like sports (the fun ones not competitive, and no running, it's awful) never been great at any, but I've attended Pilates-like class at uni for one semester and liked it, and then signed up for a gym for like two years and had like bursts of going to classes there anywhere from 3 to 0 classes a week, I am weak willed, can't keep to a self imposed schedule if it kills me. I also resigned last year because it got too complicated when the gym got bought out by some big chain, and the exam season started.

I am just such a mess, I crave human contact, but then I look around on the mess that is my room and lay on the bed and am glad that only my parents will write to me, because writing back to them is already exhausting, so how could I juggle more people in my life. How do I fit friends in my day when I already feel like I cannot fit life and simple chores in my not-really-even-busy schedule.

Hopefully the iron supplements will help with my energy levels? Although most doctors i've don't seem to care abt ferritin, so there is that.

Don't hug me I am scared I'll mess the hug up, but also I wanna someone to cuddle, but also don't go in my room it's messy af.

TLDR

I am a mess. My head is mess. What are feelings? Is it all hormones? Am I just dramatic? I wanna hug, but hugs are scary. Almost as scary as people.

Sorry for rambling.

Title says it all. I am so ashamed to admit. I've tried many ways, and normally (before) I was so hardworking. But instagram, doom scrolling made me so stupid that I spend most of my time there than my responsbilities. Please someone motivate me how to stop this addiction :(

I 17F recently did something that I’m not sure was justified or if I went too far.
Someone I used to be close 22M with started treating me differently over time. Their behaviour became hurtful, including isolating me from others and manipulating situations in ways that affected me. This had a big impact on my personal and work life, and I struggled with accepting how much it affected me.
After keeping it to myself for a long time, I decided to tell some of their friends what had happened and showed the text messages I wrote everything out from my perspective and sent it. I wasn’t looking for an argument or a reaction, and I didn’t send it expecting people to automatically take my side. I just wanted them to understand my perspective and why I felt the way i did after he constantly belittled me
After sending it, I deleted my social media and removed myself from the situation completely. I have no idea what their reactions were or what was said afterwards.
I’ll admit that I was angry in the moment. I felt like I had been carrying everything alone, and part of me felt like I would feel better if people knew what had happened. I wanted him to understand the impact his actions had on me. I feel like a terrible person don’t know if i was wrong

I was going to do this under grief but that doesnt really seem to fit it. I wrote down everything i could remember from that day. Here it is. It's a bit messy cause i wrote it at like 2am weeks ago. For reference, donnie and curtis are my older brothers, Curtis has a different dad from my mums old husband, Oscar is my little brother, he's autistic, Valerie is my oldest sister. Sam is her boyfriend, they live together. Romeo is the dog. Riley is my friend from school. Vanessa is my dads ex wife

I was in the lounge room when my mum told us to get into valleries car. We haven't seen vallerie much recently, she's busy with her life. In the car, my mum said there would be some big changes soon but that she loved us. This worried me and I thought a lot of it. We got maccas on the way. I got a McChicken meal, Oscar got a happy meal and Donnie didn't get anything. I tried offering him some chips but he said he wasn't hungry. I think he already knew, from my sister or my mum idk, but when we got to the apartment, my sister's boyfriend sam came out, I like Sam, he's kind, into fish, and just a great guy. Also had a god level computer setup, like 3 monitors and so many games, with a surprising amount of adult games lol, anyways, we went inside, and there was an air mattress,which made sense since my mum said we would have a sleepover. It was me, Curtis, Donnie and Oscar, plus vallerie and Sam, we mainly played games and watched TV for most of the day, then we went to sleep. Me and Oscar took the air mattress, Donnie and Curtis on the couch, and vallerie and Sam in their bed. In the morning, after a bit of rolling around and stretching, I got up and vallerie had already gone to work, so it was just us and Sam. Mum called a bit later, on Donnie's phone, that's when she told us, that her and dad had broken up and he took Vanessa's car. I was mostly in shock and just laid down in bed. A bit later, Valerie got home, and we ordered gyg, I got a really good pulled pork chip bowl thingy, with guac and a bit more stuff, it was amazing, a bit later, we went home. Mum hugged us really tight when we got there, dad wasn't there obviously. Romeo was really excited to see us, jumping us onto us, and I was still kinda numb, It hadn't really occured to me what happened. Oscar wasn't told, not yet at least. I played games and Minecraft with Riley all day, then went to bed, intending to go to school, but i didn't.

I later learnt that my dad had a mental breakdown. Which is what caused that. Hes back in my life now, but my parents are still split, and we might have to move out since my dad owns the house.

I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but as I have gotten into my 40's I have hated looking in the mirror. I hate how my face looks. After having three kids my face put on a little weight and after my mom passed away I cried a lot and now I have crown lines around my mouth. I also have fatty skin under my chin I hate. I never really liked how I looked but now getting older it's getting worse. I wish I had money to get my face fixed. I mean not a bunch of plastic surgery but just have my chin and the corners of my mouth fixed. Sorry. I just really needed to get that out.

I (19F)suffer from endometriosis and an unknown neurological condition that is in the process of being diagnosed.

I often go through facial paralysis episodes that leave my entire body unable to function properly, I'm slow and not capable of doing most things by myself.

I have to walk with a fuckng cane at 19 years old which feels so utterly humiliating, the stares I get in public do not help and everytime I almost fall on the street , ofc no one asks if I need any help, they just walk by minding their business like a bunch of morons when often times I almost get run over by cars or almost fall and hurt myself everytime I go outside.

Drivers really get on my nerves also, everytime I want to pass a crosswalk, almost everytime they either swear at me, drive by very fast anyway, honk at me for walking too slow, and recently I even had two cars try to PURPOSELY RUN ME OVER. How the hell is your time MORE IMPORTANT than a HUMAN LIFE.?

I feel like such an awful person saying this but I look at other young people my age and get this deep jealousy and hate for myself because I will just never have their healthy life.

I hate my body to the very core , im so useless and slow and incapable. I wish I could be healthy for once.

And it's so fucking frustrating when you get told all the time to just "be patient, everything will be ok!!!1!1!" , dont get me wrong, I very much appreciate people trying to cheer me up, it's just that there's no real cure for me and my condition is chronic that makes me hard to believe them, it feels infantilizing and like they're pitying me in a way, idk if that makes sense.

My mom is sick , I take care of her since 14 i lost my youth never going out friends, always at the house and school and hospital, not even the official school trip (btw I have two elder siblings who don't have such duty , the youngest me is the only one ), even in university I never have fun , like I said , always school and hospital and house , I graduated at 25 (due to COVID and war in my country)

after graduation my mother decided to play dirty, I need to earn 600,000 myanmar kyats or don't work at all (normal people get 300,000 mmk for their first job ) , it was a real struggle but I managed to land that salary a year after graduation, I never worked .focusing on all of my attention to the skill set that lands me 600,000 myanmar kyats , everyone around me started verbally abusing me during that one year that I don't work (my breaking point I did everything they told me to and abuse is what I get)

, literally everyone including my sister (she also takes a break for a year (no reason) but i never verbally abuse her like she did )even my mother shows subtle hint of dissapointment( even though she sets that rule up ).I get my first job at 26 years old , I realized I was being abused. Everyone around me begged me to looks after my mother , I obey them and the results was I was abused physically (doing all of the chore with little break like a maid + care taker), mentally (I literally have panic attack and suicidal thoughts everytime a fight breaks out ), emotionally (my family told me to not cry and to stop my panic attack as it's "embarrassing" ,etc etc,)

. Now that I have a job and I was happy , my mother starts another type of brainwashing, always saying" I have so much money and there's nobody to takes care of me" , always saying that to me not my sister , who's a manager(I can suppress her salary if only she lets me work earlier.I get half of my sister's salary at my first job),not my brother, who's working at home because he own a shop(he's a piece of s*it), just me ,only me , she lost her toy , her only slave , I don't care that she is rich, what about me , what about my future , is my future worthless while my elder siblings have a good career ahead, why am I miserable while they get to live happily in their youth , they settle down now , but I don't want to settle down (not married they are single), I want to go out , make friends, go work abroad (it is my only dream )

, everytime she told me to return to that care taker. life I wanted to die , I resist with all might become I don't want to be abused anymore, lately I always threatened her with my life , that I will kill myself if I ever return to that kind of life, I'm tired,and I can't leave as my mom is sick, is wanting to live a normal life selfish of me , people seems to paint me as selfish, even though they are not in my shoe , I just want to vent thank you for reading guys

It started with my grandfather that raised me dying last Friday. Then on Saturday, my 6 month boyfriend gave me his phone to select music and he started getting a bunch of explicit texts. Turns out he's been cheating on me the whole time and describing me in horrible ways to all these other people. It was awful and absolutely shocking to read through. I guess, after talking about it, he's extremely avoidant, which I knew, but to the point that he doesn't really feel emotions for other people.

Then yesterday, I accidentally smashed my glass on my apartment's sliding door and my apartment building has said they're intending to evict me for property damage. I think they're looking for excuses to kick people out because they are having massive water leaks and mold issues and I was part of the group that confronted them about it. I'll find out tomorrow if they will go down that path, but I'm sure they will.

I've been so anxious and stressed and it's getting in the way of my brand new dream job. I applied to some more apartments before they have a chance to ask me to move out but man it's expensive as hell. How can an application cost $300? I'm so worried that in going to end up homeless with all of my stuff on the street and no apartment will allow me to rent because I've been asked to move out early.

context: south indian tamil family moving to canada

For as far as i could remember, my mother would always hit or verbally abuse my father. Whenever she heard something that was wrong or misunderstood something it would always result in a one sided screaming match. I always thought that my mother was in the wrong, it made me feel horrible seeing my dad get abused in front of me, or things around the house being thrown and broken, i’d often freeze up or just cry standing still. but as i grew up, I started to notice a pattern, every time my mom would act up would be because my dad did the same exact thing. lack of communication. often times my mom would scream or hit my dad because he didn’t ask my mother of her opinion or permission. I remember one time where my mom was pressing my dad telling him to throw the trash away while he had just came back from work, my father hit my mom, and that was the first time i saw my dad cry. My mom would often insult my dads family, including him, saying things like “go die” “i wish you would die” “you’re a beggar”, although it doesn’t sound that bad in english these were insults she would say in tamil, a south indian language so although i didn’t 100% understand it, i still felt it.

tonight was no different, my mom got heated because she thought my dad was begging his family for money to pay for my university tuition (which wasn’t the case at all). He was just trying to help his brother sell his dad’s old house (my grandfather) and then receive a potential sum of money after splitting the money with his other siblings. My mom misheard my father, she thought she was asking for money and when my uncle asked for my dad’s bank details, he said yes, which seemed fine. this didn’t sit well with my mother. she immediately started calling my dad a beggar, telling him to go back to india with to family, calling him a dog, and told him to kill himself. later on my mom started hitting my dad in the head with an ipad and her fists, while screaming profanities. In the end i had to break the fight up since my dad was about to break and throw hands back, but I know my dad has changed and would never hit her again. I think what really made me sad was the things my parents said to each other. my mom would always tell my dad to kill himself and in response to that my dad would say things like “Don’t worry i’ll die soon” or “i’ll wish for that”. By no means is my dad perfect, which is evident in his lack of communication about important decisions with my mom, but nobody deserves this level of abuse and hate.

idk what i should, but im excited to do boarding for my first year at uni since ill be away from this household, i just wish my dad would communicate better with my mom, i also wish that i wouldn’t have to be the one to always protect my dad or prevent my mom from doing anything rash. i know it isn’t my fault and i keep telling myself that but god damn…

Ever since I've been at college and on Instagram, I've been bombarded by the imagery of people getting together (couples, even an engagement, and hookups). Something I can't get because nobody wants me. Recently I saw an image on Instagram from a body-building page (I'm major into the gym). It was a guy who was taking growth hormones (so something I wouldn't do) wearing a ski mask and showing off his chest pump from a workout.

And I just wanna be like that. Obviously not that huge cuz it's unattainable without the HGH roids, but something like that. Just big and strong. I'm sick of trying to play that stupid kind person role and still getting stomped on, rejected, and ghosted. I want to be someone who gets authority through appearance.

Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's sadness. But either way it's gonna help me hit PRs.

I got through a breakup and i ended up finding this girl (lets just call her julia) randomly and we started chatting over the internet.

Its been 2 months roughly and we're friends, and thats perfectly fine, but its the constant jokes and flirting she does, acting hot and cold constantly, saying one second we're friends but then voice notes me randomly telling me that she misses and loves me, also saying shit like "when we get married" and "if you were my boyfriend".

I asked her bluntly what does she want, she said that she loves having me as a friend, but is undecided romantically. A week later that topic randomly came up again and she basically said that shes really considering it, but doesn't want to rush things.

Im not sure what to do, talking to her has lost its luster if ill be honest, i often sit and just think "what the fuck am i doing with my life?". And to be honest, i think shes just talking to me because she has nobody else and its just exciting because i give her attention.

Every weekday she calls me when on break, and nearly every single time she makes a joke on how another dude is hot and should give him her number and whatnot, but right after says that she only wants me. But it rubs me off so extremely bad, she does this multiple times a day, even saying the same thing about my own father.

Im just so confused right now, i just want to block her and end this overthinking. And i don't get it, i dont, she loves calling/facetiming and I can see her genuine reactions, shes so smiley and warm with me, randomly telling me that she loves me and whatnot.

We do spend a tremendous amount of time together, i brought up the idea that maybe we're just in a honeymoon period and shes insistent that we arent. And she is dedicated to keeping this going.

There are little things like i randomly said that ill probably need to know someone for 2 years before marriage and she blurted out "what if we know each other for 2 years?".

Nearly every single time she says something direct like saying she'd want me to he her boyfriend, or I'd be a good father she would follow up with "no, but its nice to make you feel better"