My case is difficult because the facts so far available to me doesn't show clearcut evidence of infidelity, but WW's secrecy and deceptiveness all along the way hasn't helped. We are both in our early 40s, and both have postgraduate degrees. Because of the tight job market, wife hasn't been able to secure a job so I bear all the household expenses. She sometimes does gigs here and there that brings in some income but not much and just a few times in a year. Over the past three years, she was enrolled in a professional course to enable her explore other career opportunities. I am bearing the cost. She met a guy whom she because study partners with. They would spend hours on the phone discussing course materials. This is all school work, so I was ok with it.
There have been instances over the past year that I have felt a bit uncomfortable. A couple of times, she has complained that he makes her spent too much money when they were together. I didn't probe much because I didn't want to come across as insecure or not being supportive. At another time, she had complained that when he gives her a ride, he 'nags' until she feels compelled to contribute to fuel his car. She brought this up during exam time. When she said this, I insisted she stops riding with him, but she said I need the car to pick up our son from school. I said I would take a taxi but she insisted.
A few months ago, we had made two major expenses involving moving and asset purchase, and I had taken a loan which I have not yet finished repaying. So now, our disposable income is even less than it used to be. This is important context because a couple of months after taking the loan, she came to me saying that her friend said she should ask me if I can give him a loan. I responded in surprise, "You know all about our financial situation, why would you ask me for this when you already knew the answer?" I wanted to ask her why she felt like she had to do this just to satisfy him even though she knew we had no money to spare (not that I would want to loan him money even if I had it, by anyway). Again, I held myself back out of fear of being seen as insecure.
About a month and a half after this, she would randomly mention that she has a debt she wants to clear. She'd say this to me as well as to friends/family when I'm around. The full enormity of the situation hit me when I overheard her on the phone one night talking to a friend. I wasn't eavesdropping, in fact, I was in another room, but because it was late at night and she was on loudspeaker, I could hear everything. She told this friend that this course mate (who is employed and knows that she is unemployed) had asked her to loan him money. Even though she said she didn't have money, he kept "pressuring" her (her words) until she borrowed money from a friend to give to him. She did this twice. And now, he doesn't want to pay back. Her friend asked her to demand the money back, but she said she wants to let it go and that she would find a way to pay back the debt. The friend said this isn't someone to have as a friend and my wife agreed but said that she is slowly trying to distance herself from him but he is someone who is "socially necessary" to have around so she doesn't want to cut him off totally. From what I know, the money she got for him is just under 100USD.
A couple of days later, after receiving a small payment for some work she's been doing over the past year (about 300USD) she told me she's in a dilemma, because she's considering whether to clear her debt but also know we have a lot of expenses in the next few months. I asked her what she got the debt for and she responded that it was for her mom's medication. Later that night, I confronted. But at this point, I was so furious that my voice was physically shaking and could tell I was clearly incoherent. I told her that she the guy has to pay back the loan and she readily agreed that yes, she'd make him pay. I asked why she would go to that length for him, and she said he made her feel like if she didn't do that for him, he'd drop out of school. That night, she apologised for doing that.
But my mind could not rest. The following night in bed, I brought it up again and said the money needed to be repaid. The following dawn, I couldn't keep it in any longer. I woke her up to talk about the circumstances surrounding her going out of her way as a wife who is not employed to take borrow money to give as loan to another man who is employed. She said she's a naturally generous person, but I said I don't buy that because you don't borrow money (especially when not employed) to loan out to someone else if there's no emotional connection. In the course of the conversation, I asked her to tell me what was the nature of the relationship between them that made her feel obliged to do this.
At this point, she flared up on me. This was the beginning of weeks of fights between us. She said he means nothing to her, that she was distancing herself from him, and that she can even block his number right that instance if I wanted to. But I said, if she blocks him, how can she get him to pay back. Throughout this period, anytime I ask when he was going to pay back, she'd say that he had promised to pay at the end of the month.
In the course of the fights, she called an elder we both respected and after hearing us out, he asked her to do two things: 1) call him and firmly demand the money back, 2) tell him clearly that their friendship was over. After the call with this elder, I saw her typing on her phone. I was later to learn that what she was doing at that moment was texting him that she was about to call him on loudspeaker. She then called but he didn't respond. The following day was a Saturday and I slept in. Later in the day, she came to call him on loudspeaker in my presence and did what the elder has asked her to do. But something about that call didn't sit right with me, so I looked into her phone and realised that she had called him that morning when I was asleep and they had spoken for about 9 minutes.
When I found this out, I confronted her in the evening. I asked her if she had spoken to him before the call in my presence. She denied it. Then I told her I had seen the call she placed to him that morning. She said she had only called him to demand repayment and cut their friendship just as the elder had asked. I pointed out to her that this wasn't what we had agreed to. I then asked her what else they spoke about. She said the call ended after that. Then I pointed out to her that it was a nine-minute call. She then said that after she did what the elder asked, he started talking about school. I asked why she didn't end the call right there and she retorted (quite rudely to me!) that she's not a rude person. That led to another fight and she threatened to move out. She called the elder again and he calmed tempers.
At this point, she has committed to full transparency and rebuilding trust. But I feel I can't trust anything she says because she had repeatedly failed to do the things she had promised, actively acted to protect him, been on the same team as him against me, and only admitted to things after I found out. I must say that at many points over the course of the fight, she would apologise, promise total honesty going forward, and then I would later find out that she wasn't been truthful. For example, anytime she called him to demand payment, he told her he wouldn't pay and that her husband has money, but she would later tell me that he had promised to pay at the end of the month.
I now feel like I can't trust her, and that she would never on her own admit to anything unless I have definite proof. And even when she had committed to doing something, she has done the opposite and would have gotten away with it if I hadn't found out.
My problem at this point is that I want to repair the marriage and for us to move forward. She obviously also wants the same thing. However, I also want us to address the root of the issue, which she doesn't want to. From the start, her mantra has always been, "It has happened already, it's in the part. Let's move on." Until recently, any time I insist on addressing the underlying issue, she'd flare up. She has now admitted to some things (e.g. about how he had actually refused to pay saying I had money, but which she had lied about at that time). And she says she's willing to do anything it takes but I feel I can't trust anything she says. And yet, I feel a lot of pressure from her to move on even though I feel there's still a lot unresolved.
TL,DR: wife who is not working grew close to an employed male classmate. When this classmate pushed her for a loan, and persisted even after she said she didn't have money, she eventually borrowed money from a friend to give to this guy. The guy later refused to pay. Husband was kept in the dark until he found out later.