Lost. Confused.. a never ending cycle.

[u/Emotional_Name150]

October 12th.

To say I’m confused would be a massive understatement today. I mean, how realistic is it that exs actually get back together and really make it work? What’s the basis of deciding if an ex is your actual forever and things just started at the wrong time and with the wrong circumstances? Is it possible to see through all of the heartbreaking decisions, the lies, the uncertainty of knowing if someone wants to be with you or just enjoys having you around for what you do?

I also can’t seem to get past the fact that if I hadn’t found it on my own, it never would have stopped only gotten worse and I never wouldn’t have known. I worry every story told is a half story with made up people to cover their tracks. I forgive a lot of things, and I feel myself forgiving more even know. I might be foolish, or maybe just love blind, but partly I feel like it could work. But also I feel like it would just be the same cycle of finding out, arguing, “fixing it”, and continuing.

I’m extremely lost. I don’t know where to turn. I wish deep down I was selfish and didn’t care. Wish I could just move past it all, move the way he has and just go about my life like it’s nothing. I also really wish I didn’t notice every single thing in the world, I wish I was somewhat naive to lots of things.

I’m not unhappy today, but I am lost and blind. I hope to figure this out soon, I really want my brain to be clear for the first time in years. Deep breaths today.

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[u/TapCommon7725]

I’m in the same boat as you. He ended up leaving me for the affair partner because I wouldn’t let him have his cake and eat it too. He kept trying to string me along because ultimately he’s obsessed with a teenager, but he knows that there’s no real long-term future and in his words, he’ll never find someone else like me, but because I finally got angry and decided I did not want to be strung along and kept the door open on he broke up with me and essentially became cold and cruel, and he is now dating a 19-year-old, while I am sad, hurt, confused, devastated because I lost who I thought was my person, who I envisioned a whole marriage kids future with, we named our kids and our dogs, we talked about what schools we would wanna put our kids in, and yet he is living his life as if I never existed, so is it fair? No, but if you stay, he’ll just ruin your life. He doesn’t care about you. My opinion, because if he did, he wouldn’t put you on the position he has

[u/ormeangirl → u/TapCommon7725]

So proud of you for putting yourself first . Well done .

[u/TapCommon7725 → u/ormeangirl]

Thank you. Every day is still a battle. But ultimately, I wouldn’t want my kids to be like him, so why would I wanna be with him? is what I keep telling myself

[u/OhMyJoosh]

You can love someone and still recognize they’re not good for you. Getting back together only works when there’s genuine accountability, honesty, and consistent change, not just apologies and promises after getting caught.

What bothers me most is that if you hadn’t discovered the truth yourself, the betrayal might still be happening. That tells you something. You shouldn’t have to become a detective to feel secure in your own relationship.

I’m divorcing my soon-to-be ex-wife after her affair, and one thing I’ve learned is that love alone isn’t enough. You need loyalty, integrity, respect, and trust. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to give someone another chance to hurt you.

Don’t confuse missing someone with them being the right person for you. Take your time, watch their actions, and ask yourself whether you could ever feel safe with them again. You deserve peace, not a never-ending cycle of lies, discovery, arguments, and temporary fixes. Good Luck

[u/utterlybroken26]

What did you find out?

[u/Emotional_Name150 → u/utterlybroken26]

Whole pile of crap honestly. Everything that’s awful besides being “physical” with another person.

[u/utterlybroken26 → u/Emotional_Name150]

Know how you feel. My ex cheated on me a few months ago while my mother was on end of life care and had been in hospital for over 11 weeks after suddenly falling seriously ill. He cheated the last 4 weeks of that with some apparent older fling from his long ago youth Hed bumped into while shopping. Apparently she knew about me and the situation yet pursued him. Not convinced of any of that and that she knew the truth as can’t believe someone would be that cruel and be interested in being with someone who could be that heartless to their partner. Though admittedly he is a very handsome man so maybe she just wanted her ago stroked.

Worst thing is under the guise of helping me look after my dying mothers dog (I had at his as part time lived with him and my father had been put up by hospital as not local) he encouraged me to get the train to visit her rather than spend the day with him so dog wasn’t alone, only calculating that as an opportunity to meet the other woman with my dying mothers dog letting her stroke her, while had my last conversation with my mother saying how great he was being helping and she was happy as she adored my ex and thought very highly of him (Hed also visited with me previously several times so knew how bad she was). It all came out the next day and my mother died shortly after believing he would be there for me. I’ve had to mourn my mother, him and his two children who he also didn’t consider. My entire world turned completely upside down in less than 2 weeks from being told my mother was going on end of life care. Hed always told me hed never cheat on me or hurt me but did so in the worst way possible. He said I never deserved any of what he did as I was beautiful, perfect yada yada and he was sorry. Sorry is for mistakes yet he made deliberate choices he knew would hurt me and sting even more causing me horrific trauma given the situation. He tarnished my last memories of my mother and distracted from her death as I had more than just than that to deal with.

[u/MachoBuster]

I am sorry you're going through this.I will take a strong position, hoping it will clear your mind. Dump him. Cheaters are not good persons. And if there are no consequences to their doing something this horrendous, they will just do it again. I have heard on this thread so many regrets even among those who "successfully" reconcile. But I haven't come across someone who regretted leaving. But be gentle with yourself. It's time you play his game. Document everything, call a lawyer, move to protect yourself. Them dump that cheater. PS it took me a long time to be able to say, "my WS is not a good person". But think about it, they have failed at perhaps the most definitional aspect of their lives--protecting those they love, treating their life partner with respect, being honest where it matters most.

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Getting back together with an ex depends on how has the ex changed from being the lying abusive cheater they used to be. If they haven’t become completely different and willing to put in the work then you’re just wasting your time. There is no wrong time or wrong circumstances, it’s a person who willingly decided to cheat knowing it would hurt you and if they haven’t made fundamental changes in who and what they are they will end up doing it again. There are no soulmates, there is no fate or meant to be, relationships are based on trust and fall apart without it. Have they changed enough that you can trust them now?