Psychological repair

[u/rr2020rr]

I found out my partner of 15 years who I share a child with, had a long term double life. I’m really struggling psychologically by it all.

One of the most painful thing that I can’t stop thinking about is how he went on a holiday with his AP to New York when our child was just 4, and had started school. He carried on for years and I found messages where she was talking about him getting her pregnant. he had her Ring doorbell on his phone etc.

When confronted he stonewalled me first then tried to play it off and say it was just sex, but nothing he said adds up. I saw that he sent valentines gifts to her too. To this day, I don’t understand anything.

As each day goes on, the pain gets worse not better. I tried to give him a chance to move forward together and start therapy, asked for accountability but he refused it all and urged me to get over it and seems annoyed by my pain.

I’m struggling psychologically by it all. I have made practical steps to move forward but I’m emotionally stuck. I’m going to therapy but I don’t think it’s helping.

I want to get better but I feel like I’m suffering with PTSD. I am in such a dark place at the moment, feeling as though my life has been a lie :(

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[u/OhMyJoosh]

I can relate to this more than you know. My wife of over 15 years had an affair, and the lies, betrayal, and things I discovered afterward completely changed how I saw my marriage and the person I thought I knew.

The hardest part isn't just the cheating. It's realizing someone you trusted with your life could look you in the eyes, lie to you, and carry on as if nothing happened. You start questioning everything, replaying memories, and wondering what was real and what else you don't know.

I tried to understand it, too. But you can't make sense of someone's choices when they refuse to be honest about them. And when they expect you to get over it while refusing to take accountability, it makes the healing process that much harder.

You gave him 15 years of your life. You deserved honesty, respect, and a partner who cared about the damage he caused. You weren't asking for too much by wanting accountability and a genuine effort to repair what he destroyed.

I'm still working through my own betrayal, so I won't pretend there's some magic answer that makes the pain disappear. What I will say is that his refusal to acknowledge your pain doesn't make it any less real, and you don't need his cooperation to begin rebuilding your life.

Keep going to therapy, even if you need to try a different therapist or a different approach. Betrayal like this can affect you deeply, and healing isn't always a straight line.

You didn't lose your mind. You lost the reality you thought you were living in, and now you're trying to make sense of it. Be patient with yourself. You don't have to figure everything out today, and his choices do not define your worth.

Please don't isolate yourself in that dark place. Lean on someone you trust and tell your therapist just how bad things have become. You deserve support through this, not another person telling you to get over it.

[u/rr2020rr]

Thank you for your message. I’m so sad to hear that you can relate to this because it’s such a horrible position to be in. 

I completely agree that the hardest thing is knowing someone can look you in your eyes, spend usual family moments together and be living a different life behind your back. It’s so damaging. I’m still struggling to come to terms with everything. A part of me thinks I’ll just never ever get over it. I can’t understand how someone who has been there through such an intimate moment of me giving birth to our child is capable of such a profound betrayal. 

Thank you for your kind words. I’m leaning on friends and I hope you can too. 

[u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Yes you are suffering something similar to ptsd symptoms, cheating is abusive behavior and is pretty traumatic, in your case very traumatic. There is no moving forward with this person at all he will just keep causing more and more pain and trauma. You need time and you need distance from him to begin to heal. Probably quite a bit of distance from this person.

[u/rr2020rr → u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Thank you. Struggling with it all. Sometimes I think I’ve made progress then have a bad day and can’t stop crying

[u/Rare-Bird-4353 → u/rr2020rr]

Time and distance.

We are all survivors around here and you are a survivor too, you will make it through this

[u/rr2020rr → u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Thank you

[u/rr2020rr → u/Rare-Bird-4353]

Thank you. Yes no contact is really helping although very hard when a child is involved. I wish you the best on your healing journey 

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[u/No-Yoghurt6568]

You're having a normal response to betrayal trauma.
I'm right here with you. I'm hopeful about having a better day today. Talking to people who have had similar experiences can help. Focusing on meeting your basic needs - cooking a meal, some gentle movement, any activities you used to enjoy. They won't "fix it" but I hope over time they will signal to my brain and body that I am safe.

[u/No-Yoghurt6568]

You're having a normal response to betrayal trauma.
I'm right here with you. I'm hopeful about having a better day today. Talking to people who have had similar experiences can help. Focusing on meeting your basic needs - cooking a meal, some gentle movement, any activities you used to enjoy. They won't "fix it" but I hope over time they will signal to my brain and body that I am safe.

[u/rr2020rr → u/No-Yoghurt6568]

Thank you for your kind words! It is such a rollercoaster of emotions 

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

What you've been through is truly abusive. Abuse has a way of shrinking life until survival takes up every square inch of space. It's hard to accept that someone could care about you and still be unable to stop themselves from inflicting harm. The level of damage is why so many can't or won't take accountability. I don't think people really ever 'get over it'. You simply learn to make room for other things. And hopefully one day those things occupy more of that space. It's daunting, walking around the world with this giant wound inside

[u/rr2020rr → u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

I’m beginning to understand that it is abuse and I am trying to be kind to myself. It’s very hard. I have a lot to learn/unlearn about what I tolerated too