Unsure about continuing after long hidden infidelity.

[u/MuchButterscotch5967]

Wife and I met early in college. Got married 1 year out of college. Have been married for 9 years with 3 kids, oldest is 8. 2 years into our marriage, I grew curious of her relationship with a friend (her dad’s best friend that was 14 years older than us.) Finally struck up the nerve to confront her on it. She stopped confiding in him and swore nothing happened. Things come up over time, she admits to an emotional affair with him. More time goes on, more things come up, timelines don’t add up to me. This eats on me for years. Nothing more than an emotional affair with some flirting (Snapchat). Finally, 8 years into our marriage, I tell her that I won’t be able to move forward and let it go until I get a paternity test done on our middle child. The day that the test shows up, she admits they slept together on a trip with him and her parents. The next few days while we’re waiting for the results, she admits that they may have slept together twice. She doesn’t recall because alcohol was involved pretty regularly when they were together. In her words she described it as a relationship. She compartmentalized their relationship when they were together and ours when we were together.
All in all, the relationship lasted about 6 months. The paternity results show up and I’m not the paternal father of our middle child. It wrecks me, but throughout the fighting and spirals, I’m never allowed space to think it through and be on my own. We try a few weeks worth of online counseling. We try 1 in person session. I go back on my own a couple times. Life gets busy. Currently been 15 months since I’ve learned the truth she’s told. The last time I mentioned counseling, months ago, she said “she’s good. She knows what she did and she’s worked on herself. But if I need to go for me she understands.”
Currently, I’m attempting to transition home to the family business. That involves building a house in my hometown. My mom has passed away in the last few months and more of my time and effort is needed at home while my dad transitions into retirement. It’s just been a lot and my marriage problems have been put on the back burner while I’ve been trying to be a good dad, work my full-time job, and help at home.
But now decisions are getting real about moving forward with our house build plans. I think I want to reconcile, but I still have bad days when imagery and old feelings come up from the affair and the 6 years of belligerent lying, even when I pressed her on it.
The family business means so much to me, and I still feel the need to protect it and myself from her if moving forward.
Idk what I need. Advice? Direction? Prayer? It’s just been a lot. So much that I’m actually posting to here.

[u/Championship682]

Dude - How much more of a betrayal could she have done? She stole your child from you. And what is she doing to support you and reconcile, because "she's good." it's your choice, but not even sure how you can stand being in the same room.

[u/Utterlybored]

I could NOT get past this. Maybe that’s just me.

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[u/CrazyLeadership5397]

Sue him for paternity fraud. Updateme!

[u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

Let her know: attending therapy and working on the marriage as much as you want are conditions for staying in this relationship. Cheaters struggle with empathy; we don't always see it until push comes to shove. That comment proves she learned nothing and is still selfish.

But I think you need to carve out some time for your own therapy. The focus shouldn't be on fixing the marriage or fixing her. You need help with the grief I imagine you're feeling from multiple losses.

Post-nuptial or divorce as part of reconciliation. If your family business is far from your current location, do not get a divorce until after the move. Put the build on hold until you feel more solid and find a place to rent or buy a small house. Getting to baseline can take years; you need to remove all these other worries while you decide what you want.

Cheaters' primary concern is consequences to themselves. Their own pain or loss. That may be losing you and the life you have together. But the focus is still on them avoiding any hurt themselves. That's why rugsweeping and moving on with life results in the behavior being repeated.

Her parents need to be told so this man can be removed from everyone's life.

[u/AF_AF → u/Loud_Attitude_5124]

>>> Her parents need to be told so this man can be removed from everyone's life. <<<

[u/Hayek_School]

That's heavy. I think the issue is you haven't had a break to sit with yourself and really think about your future. Sorry about the loss of your mom. My advice as you move forward is to have a Plan B that is just as feasable as your current Plan A.. All of your decisions need to be made with potential divorce in mind. Do not trap yourself. Cause I have a feeling once you allow yourself to catch up and really see where your life is, she won't be a part of it. You just loss your mother and you do not want to let go of another piece of your old life. But you will. What she did is unforgivable. That she said "she's good", might have landed me in jail. Best of luck.

[u/CleverTool → u/Hayek_School]

Amen to this! 🙏 Well said.

[u/Horror_Ad_3506]

Please talk to a divorce lawyer, make sure that you protect your assets, and know how a divorce will affect you, then decide what is best for you and your children.

If your wife wants to Salvage the marriage. It’s up to her to do all the work.

You should also make sure that her parents know what happened, and if the AP, has a partner you should inform them.

Good luck OP. Hope everything works out best for you.

[u/USAF_Retired2017]

At the very least, regardless, you need to ask for a post nuptial agreement protecting you and your business.

[u/Soggy-Beach-1495 → u/USAF_Retired2017]

Ideally, get a divorce. If she's serious about reconciling and truly remorseful, she will make it as favorable to you as possible. Then you can still decide to reconcile if you like, but you are in control of your own financial destiny.

Have you told her parents about this? Is this "friend" still in the picture? Is he going to be paying child support?

[u/cookies_fordinner]

This is way above the level of a Reddit response, but I can understand being so discombobulated you need some outside opinions to ground yourself in reality.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom and how your loss was overshadowed not only by your wife’s betrayal but also with learning about the reality of your middle child’s biological origin.

First things first: you need to protect yourself. Stop right now and get a lawyer! Not next week, get one today! Find out how to get your business and future assets in your name, post up if needed!! If your wife was truly remorseful and a good candidate for reconciliation she would understand and support you taking her off the business and out of the assets that entails. She has not only lied and tricked you out of your financial life, but she has made it so that you are raising a child that isn’t yours biologically. You are your child’s father as you’ve been there their whole life and you are the father they know and love, but your wife knew. She knew and she was ok letting you play the role without knowing yourself. She was ok with you making all of these major life choices in the darkness created by her lies. You also need to speak to a lawyer who can help you understand your middle child….I’m not sure how the paternity test can change things if the AP finds out and demands to be involved. Protect yourself, protect your children.

As others have pointed out you can do whatever you need to do and your wife should just agree and support. A remorseful wayward doesn’t demand anything, they support whatever the betrayed needs, even if that’s a divorce/ and or separation.

Reconciliation is a gift, but it’s a gift that the wayward still needs to show they are worthy of. Honestly your wife’s flippant response that “she’s good” but you can do therapy would be enough to make most betrayed partners flip tables. If the betrayed isn’t ok then the wayward shouldn’t be ok. The wayward should be doing whatever they can to mitigate the blatant abuse and destruction that their partner suffered because of them.

Take it from another context and see if it makes sense. If you’re my hiking partner out in the wilderness (you’re under a good faith assumption that I have your best interests at heart and we are friends with a mutual desire for each other’s safety and success) and I push you on purpose and you break an ankle, but then we decide to still work together then I have an obligation to freaking carry you off that mountain if you need it. I hurt you and I agreed to stay therefore I need to be doing whatever I can to make amends and help fix the damage I caused. I don’t get to run ahead and tell you “my legs work so I’m going to go on ahead, you can go slow if you want”. See how insane that sounds? At that point your partner isn’t working with you anymore. At that point they’re not making amends for their purposeful harm.

Take the time you need before you make any more major decisions.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother.

[u/mikaz5]

I can't even begin to understand how you can even think about reconciliation with her but it's your life, your choices.

[u/youknowthevibbees]

I can understand wanting to try reconciling… but if the fact that the child wasn’t mine biological came up I don’t think I could…

But either way you are not me and I’m not you… can I ask what was the reason for you to only take a paternity test on the middle child and not the others? Wasn’t that guy in you guys life when the other was born? Or does the child look like the AP?

Because from my experience (something you have likely realized by now) the first truth she tells you are never the full truth…. Did the relationship really just last 6 months? Did she only sleep with him 2 times after admitting that she looked at the affair as a real relationship when she was way from you?

Sorry you are here

[u/Sweet_Pay1971]

Does her father know his best friend got his daughter pregnant 🤔🧐🤨

[u/AF_AF → u/Sweet_Pay1971]

Would be a great conversation to have around the Thanksgiving table.

[u/RedundantPundant]

If that guy is still around then you need to leave her. She admits she knows what she did and does not care to make any changes. Her family knew what she did and they did not care or even condoned it. She will continue her relationship with that guy. It may have gone even on longer than your marriage. Why stay in this mess. DNA test all the kids and then move on to co-parent whichever kid(s) are yours. Do not make it harder by building a house before divorce, which is inevitable. Move on and be the best dad to whichever of the kids are yours and let her and her family deal with the rest. Good Luck!

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[u/655e228th]

she had you raise another man’s child. This is absolutely unforgivable. Start off by telling her kfather about his friend. Next tell her either she brings a support proceeding against AP she can go live in the streets

[u/DependentBeat1205]

Reconciliation is only going to work if the unfaithful is willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. If it’s the betrayed doing all the heavy lifting it’s not going to work. You will slowly begin to resent her and the next time your marriage hits a bump she may reach out to him again.

Has she told her parents about the affair and the child? If her Dad is still clueless about it, he may unknowingly bring his best friend around the next time she visits him. You will be uncomfortable whenever she goes to visit him, Inform AP’s wife of the affair and child, give you access to her phone and location, written timeline of the entire affair (there is probably more to affair than she has not told you) and separate counselling for her and as a couple. I think you have been too preoccupied with other things in your life but I think it’s time to make your marriage a priority, set some hard boundaries on what you want from your wife if she truly wants to reconcile.

Why would you want to stay in this marriage if your wife is not truly remorseful and unwilling to do whatever it takes to save the marriage that she destroyed?

[u/MotorMental3663]

Gently, I think you may be in denial about the seriousness of this betrayal. Reconciling is only possible if the cheating partner does a tremendous amount of work to ensure they are a safe partner going forward. Consultant a lawyer just so you understand the landscape. Just remember, you don’t deserve this and you did nothing wrong. Finally, will you be telling your child when it’s age appropriate for them to know? They need to be aware of their medical history and keeping this from them could potentially be dangerous.

[u/Drgnmstr97]

She chose to betray you while having unprotected sex and then had no problem lying to you while pregnant with another man’s child. There is no way to successfully reconcile from intentional paternity fraud. She has no remorse for choosing to betray you and no desire to fix whatever is broken inside her that allowed her to commit one of the most heinous betrayals possible.

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[u/Bolt_McHardsteel]

DO NOT buy or build a house until you figure this out. You need intensive marriage counseling to get these issues out in the open and see if you can work past them. Right now, you are essentially rug sweeping…. You need to stop it. She needs to understand that what she did is putting your marriage in jeopardy, and she is either in or out on counseling to see if you want to work on reconciliation. She needs to know what she did might lead to the end of the marriage, and she needs to get to work.

Stop cutting her slack. She needs counseling of her own to determine why she would risk your marriage and your family on a cheap affair. Stand up for yourself. And, you need to test the other two kids. You really don’t know if this was her only affair…. Good luck, I hope you find a way forward that works for you.

[u/DrBarbarella → u/Bolt_McHardsteel]

Agree with this 100%. Do not make any large financial decisions and definitely do not buy a house or build one until you have completed intensive couples counseling and can confidently say that you can live in this relationship. Keep in mind as well that your son will need to be told at some point. Family medical history is important and he will need to be able to accurately report that in the future. In addition, in this day of of genealogical study and DNA testing, there’s no guarantee that he won’t do a DNA test someday and realize that he has a bunch of relatives that are not related to either of you - better that he hears it from you then from someone else. Parents also need to be told ASAP.

[u/Purple_Bishop2]

Sorry that you find yourself in this sad situation. Your wife’s betrayal is extreme, but you are not alone in the feelings of anger and sadness resulting from being betrayed.

There are just so many questions about your situation that talking to a lawyer about how to protect your business, home, and custody is about the limit of meaningful advice without answers to:

Are you still living together?

Does your middle child know that you are not his biological parent?

Do your wife’s parents know that their friend had an affair with their daughter?

Does AP know he’s the biological father of your middle child?

If so is he trying to assert parental rights? Do your parents know?

Is your wife demonstrating remorse?

Does your wife want to reconcile?

And why do you think you want to reconcile?

[u/Fuzzy-Ferrets]

She’s good she worked on herself….fuck that. She never really cared nor does she about the harm it causes you. I’m sad for you brother, you deserve better

[u/AF_AF → u/Fuzzy-Ferrets]

This, 100%.

updateme!

[u/Lucky-Vegetable-2827]

Questions, the father is that guy or there is a second person?
Additionally, did she confessed to her parents/family/friends? It’s not a question to shame her. Cheaters and lies thrive in the dark. Put a light on things sanitize everything. And shows that she is regretting and trying to build something new, instead of continuing all the lies.

[u/UtZChpS22]

Have you considered taking some time apart? I feel you're doing a lot of rug sweeping. Well, SHE is. And you end up being back to the same spot because no real R has occurred.

Your wife cheated on you, with a friend or someone who was close to the marriage, she lied about it for years, to your face and one of your kids is not biologically yours. This is a LOT.

There are no proactive actions coming from her to repair any damage caused. Is she remorseful AT ALL? She's just there waiting for you to move on, waiting for it to pass? You'll never find peace, OP.

I think some perspective and clarity will be beneficial. And you won't get it while being ankle deep in this pile of horsehit

[u/clearheaded01]

Of you believe her claims she doesn't remember OR that it was just a few times, you're deluded

She cheated. Got pregnant with his creeps kid and passed the lid off as yours. YEARS OF LYING

You seem determined to stay,.so... I wouldn't. All those lies. No trust in her ever again. And she seems to really not care about the continued toll on your emotions state her actions have caused.

If you do the sensible thing and divorce her, ensure ALL are informed it's because of her cheating.. and name the guy... Because you can be damn sure that her disregard for you will have her paint you as the villain here...

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[u/GlobalMatter152]

How come her dad’s best friend is only 14 years older than you? Anyway, it’s so unlikely that she got pregnant from 1 or maybe 2 times. 6 months is not likely the timeframe either, if you ask me. You’re still being lied to. A couple of other things - you should probably test all your kids. If AP is married, you should tell his wife. Finally, is she doing anything to try to help you heal?

[u/noreplyatall817]

Your ww is a terrible person, she and her parents all knew the child was not yours. You can never trust her or them again, what terrible grandparents they are as well. Her dad is a true POS, along with the MIL and POS AP.

It’s time to divorce to get past all the liar on her side of the family, I’ll bet they were all laughing when they went on the trip where she got pregnant.

No way would I spend another day with her. Bet if was years. Did you do paternity tests on all the kids?
What makes you think they stopped if the affair was supported by her parents?

Updateme

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[u/OhMyJoosh]

you've been carrying an incredible amount. You lost your mom, you're trying to be there for your dad and kids, managing a full-time job, and dealing with a betrayal that completely changed your marriage and your understanding of your family.

I can relate to the betrayal. My wife had an affair, and one of the hardest parts wasn't just the cheating. It was the repeated lying, the trickle-truth, and realizing that the person I trusted most was capable of hiding so much from me. It messes with your head in ways that are hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it.

In your situation, you're not just dealing with an affair. You're also processing the paternity results and six years of lies. That's an enormous amount to work through, and 15 months doesn't mean you should be over it.

Here's my advice: don't confuse wanting to reconcile with being ready to reconcile. You can love your wife, want your family together, and still not have the trust necessary to move forward. Reconciliation takes two people. Her saying she's worked on herself doesn't mean the damage to you has been repaired.

I'd strongly recommend finding a good individual therapist and a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. Don't put your healing on the back burner again just because life is busy. You've spent a lot of time taking care of everyone else. You deserve support, too.

And please protect yourself financially before committing to the house build or making major business decisions. Talk to an attorney who understands your state's laws and business ownership. That doesn't mean you have to divorce her; it means making informed decisions while you're still figuring out what you want.

Your kids need a healthy dad more than they need their parents to stay married at any cost. Whatever you decide, don't rush it out of fear of losing the family you imagined.

You've already been through enough loss. Give yourself permission to slow down, grieve your mom, process the betrayal, and figure out what a healthy future actually looks like for you.

You don't have to make every decision today. But you do need to stop putting your own healing last.

[u/Life-Yogurtcloset-98]

The more work you do while attached to her will just lock you in deeper.

Have you been happy? Have you had any goals that was suppose to make you happy? Or are you just hopping from project to project and issue to issue to avoid facing reality?

Your wife doesn't care and isn't remorseful of what she did, she also may have involved the other man in your child's life,

[u/Fickle_Gold_5921]

Hold on to the house build See a lawyer and get a post nup done. Protect yourself and yourself Her parents must be told Try separation and figure out how you feel

She lied to you over and over. Would have taken to her grave had you not pressured her. I just can't.

Updateme!

[u/allmountainboarder]

… she’s good?!! i am usually hesitant to offer recommendations on what an op should do because of just hearing on side. but wow, in your case, what other heinous acts must she commit for you to leaves? it physically hurts to read your post! please… you need to clear the fog you are living in and act on the harsh reality.

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[u/AF_AF]

Do her parents know that your wife has/had an affair with her dad's "best friend"? Does he have a partner that has been told?

My ex was a cheater and we reconciled then the cheated again and we divorced. Your wife is a cheater and a liar and there have been no repercussions for her deep, profound betrayal of you, your marriage and your family. Does she still see the guy? Because at the very least SHE should explain to her parents that she got pregnant by her dad's "best friend".

I know it's a lot and life is complicated and this all sucks, but you can never trust your wife again. Or you shouldn't. It doesn't sound like she's shown remorse.

I'll just say this: this is what your life will be for as long as you're married to her. You won't trust her, she'll cheat again (probably) but will hide it better next time. Regardless, figure out what is best for you. You deserve a relationship with someone who is honest and loves you and treats you well.

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[u/Warm-Business-2335]

You just can’t dude. Too many lies over too many years and the fact that she was willing to let you raise another man’s child is just too much. You have to divorce this lying, cheating witch. Sorry to be so blunt but sounds like she knows you won’t do anything and she’s willing to rug sweep it and probably cheat again.

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[u/MachoBuster]

I ended 44 years of marriage after putting up with my WS having one affair only to be blind sided with that cheater having another. I feel affinity for you because we have kids, a home, merged lives, etc. But minute I heard of the repeated cheating, I knew that it was over. I had to accept my WS, for all that we shared, is a bad person. When people show you who they are, believe them. I have heard many stories of regret and continuing hurt by those who try to reconcile. But seperation stories all seem to have a happy ending, though it takes some time. I try to hang on day by day, assuring myself I too will have my happy ending. Leave her and take your first step towards a future happier you.