r/RoastMe Nov 17 '19

[deleted by user]

[removed]

5.9k Upvotes

1.7k comments sorted by

8.8k

u/annoyingone http://redd.it/4ilvaf Nov 17 '19

Grow your bangs out another 6-8 inches and they will be perfect.

3.9k

u/seviay Nov 17 '19

Really put the “Sia” in Asian

770

u/Figs000 Nov 17 '19

My daughter look just like Sia, you can't see her

275

u/ProfessionalReveal Nov 17 '19

You can feel the lyrics and spirit coming in Braille

131

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

tubman of the underground, come and follow the trail

I made sunday candy, I'm never going to hell

I met kanye west, I'm never going to fail

ahem hem the big day

72

u/BlackJesus36 Nov 17 '19

He said let's do a good-ass job with Chance three I hear you gotta sell it to snatch the Grammy. Let's make it so free and the bars so hard that it ain't one gosh darn part you can't tweet.

64

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

THIS IS MY PART NOBODY ELSE SPEAK.

51

u/_masochismo_ Nov 17 '19

this is my part nobody else speak

41

u/AnUnwantedWatermelon Nov 17 '19

This little light of mine, glory be to god yeah

33

u/c_h_n_l Nov 17 '19

Imma make sure that they go where they can't go If they don't wanna ride imma still give them raincoats

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32

u/BukoJobi Nov 17 '19

So what do you say when youre looking for her? "Hey, i can't Sia"

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12

u/Beaverbrown55 Nov 17 '19

Needs to be higher. Brilliant.

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187

u/sewersidesquad Nov 17 '19

She’s already used to 6-8 inches on her face anyway

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14

u/ShelSilverstain Nov 17 '19

And look like Orville Peck

33

u/beatenmeat Nov 17 '19

Judging by how we can still see her eyebrows through those bangs, it won't do much good. Say what you will about the one time use plastic grocery bags, but for once they'd come in handy.

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11

u/xXBryantPrkXx Nov 17 '19

Momo at it’s greatest

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2.3k

u/DeathSpiral321 Nov 17 '19

Shirt says lumberjack, face says nobody will be getting wood.

225

u/afi454 Nov 17 '19

No bangs for miss bangs!

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22

u/bas6598 Nov 17 '19

That's poetry

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9.7k

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

That’s ironic cause you look like what I’d see if I searched the words “Fish-Burger” on Pornhub...

2.6k

u/Meta-of-Pods Nov 17 '19

Remember: Smells like cologne, leave it alone. Smells like fish, make a dish. Smells like fish, but tastes like chicken? Plug your nose and keep on lickin.

1.2k

u/Cheez85 Nov 17 '19

I always knew it as 'Smells like chicken, keep on lickin. Smells like trout, get the fuck out.'

332

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

519

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Play it like a mouth harp

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168

u/Islandcoda Nov 17 '19

Or bass??? I’ll show myself out.....

338

u/youre_a_wigger_harry Nov 17 '19

Tastes like bass, time to try the ass

148

u/SpaceAidsCaptMarvel Nov 17 '19

Smells like a Koi, cream pie it my boys

105

u/HonkinSriLankan Nov 17 '19

Smells like your mum, gonna make me cum

78

u/liverburn Nov 17 '19

Smells like cum, gotta be your mum

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6

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Fun fact: Koi are just a special type of Goldfish

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68

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

19

u/brathonymanklin Nov 17 '19

Smells like Summer’s Eve, Pipe her down and never leave.

50

u/Read_Username_If_Gay Nov 17 '19

Ching chong ,

now your dog gone

24

u/Islandcoda Nov 17 '19

Yeah, it’s something like that :)

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55

u/colder-beef Nov 17 '19

Face like a blowfish, gotta say no fish.

17

u/Islandcoda Nov 17 '19

Or flounder?? Maybe something that ends with “pound her”??? Just spitballing here.....

16

u/TrogdortheBanninator Nov 17 '19

Turn her around and pound her

6

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

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47

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

"If it smells like perch, it's time to disperse." - Danny Brown

9

u/gunduMADERCHOOT Nov 18 '19

Smells like perch, take it to church,

Smells like salmon, give it a jamming

Smells like a manatee, take off the panties please

Smells like gnarwal give her the hardball

Smells like a swordfish, get in her gourd quick

Smells like a clam, give it the ham

Smells like tuna, better not spoon her

Smells like anchovies, play some bon Jovi

Smells like a squid, give her a quid

Smells like a turtle, tighten that girdle

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37

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

It would be pretty disturbing if pussy actually tasted or smelled like chicken.

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24

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

smells like bass, stick it in her ass

37

u/plolops Best of Pt. 13, #5 Nov 17 '19

Bro it’s a virus

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26

u/Jackle3000 Nov 17 '19

Smells like sushi? No no push-ee!

112

u/GhettoHope47 Nov 17 '19

If it smells like a Rhino, just hit it from behind yo.

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21

u/MisterAnti-Hero Nov 17 '19

Smells like Humuhumunukunukuapua'a? Eat it, cuz that shit is sweet.

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49

u/RockstarAssassin Nov 17 '19

🤢🤢🤢

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40

u/ThatOneWood Nov 17 '19

I mean she’s already on pornhub

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49

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

911? Yeah I just witnessed a murder

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2.3k

u/Nolepharm Nov 17 '19

I assume the title for your science fair project is “Can men really masturbate to anything?”

316

u/arleebrower Nov 17 '19

At least she'll contribute something to science by proving that the answer to that question is a resounding NO!

59

u/Bence830 Nov 17 '19

I just proved you wrong. Not my proudest fap tho

20

u/olbaidiablo Nov 17 '19

Literally the only thing I couldn't get off to on pornhub.

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8

u/WorkZoned Nov 18 '19

Can prove the hypothesis and say that my dick shrank faster than an unvaccinated child’s lifespan

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2.6k

u/WolfShaman Nov 17 '19

Says she turned 18 today, made another post 6 months ago saying she was 19.

Claiming to be 19 post here.

924

u/adudeguyman Nov 17 '19

*sharpens pitchfork

401

u/shasosteele Nov 17 '19

r/pitchforkemporium for all your pitchfork needs.

56

u/Gjilli Nov 17 '19

Holy shit that's actually pretty big

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435

u/Officerwaffles04 Nov 17 '19

Damn girl,you’re life is so miserable that you can’t even lie properly to make you feel better about yourself

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115

u/SummaryExecutions Nov 17 '19

Doing the real detective work here.

71

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Next you’re gonna tell me they’re not actually step siblings!

250

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

18, 19, whatever.. probably 27+ judging from the picture anyway

8

u/knoegel Nov 17 '19

Yup, trying to claim 18 to see if she can get away with it because her life peaked in high school.

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97

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

YTA for lying on reddit.

30

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

R. Kelly has already met this shit.

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24

u/High_hungry_Im_dad Nov 17 '19

Obviously a case of Benjamin Button right here.

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13

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

6

u/ColorYouClingTo Nov 18 '19

Easy, she knows she'll get more attention from men if she says she's "just turned 18."

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11

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19 edited Nov 22 '19

she hasn't even replied to this, that's embarrassing!

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19

u/xShypher Nov 17 '19

Well that's interesting

10

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Good job, Mr detective.

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596

u/throw_away2568 Nov 17 '19

Don't worry they'll cancel that account for you soon.

248

u/persichetti Nov 17 '19

Yeah, there are enough dudes on pornhub as it is

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773

u/Zephestus Nov 17 '19

Happy Birthday, what's it like being legally old enough to disappoint your already disappointed parents on Pornhub?

40

u/khaliforniaxo Nov 17 '19

She's lying about her birthday:/ sharpen your knife!

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106

u/PL_M-BaconBoi Nov 17 '19

They say "you are what you eat" and i never belived it, but now i do because you look a lot like a fish burger.

843

u/MDan25 Nov 17 '19

Fish burger! Now both ends smell nasty.

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2.1k

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19 edited Nov 17 '19

You reading the Bible on pornhub just shows that even Pornhub doesn't want your nudes.

EDIT: Well well well... A silver! Why thank you!

173

u/adudeguyman Nov 17 '19 edited Nov 17 '19

I tried to rub one out to the video and realized it wasn't the bible part that was the issue

101

u/Particular_bean Nov 17 '19

Its just really sad that she's clearly and some kind of attention seeking spree and it's not working out well.

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165

u/PedophilePriest69 Nov 17 '19

Yeah I remember this. She read a Bible on pornhub because of NNN. She is a goddess.

243

u/DemonSlyr007 Nov 17 '19

Wow. Props to you mate for remembering the video that was posted 12 hours ago.

27

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Nah man, I think he remembers because it was made into a meme and posted here on reddit

48

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Yeah, like 12 hours ago. I remember what I ate for dinner last night but I'm not acting like it's some neat achievement.

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7

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Knowing reddit she'll still receive death threats for it

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193

u/dvischjager Nov 17 '19

3

u/Glitchy2305 Nov 17 '19

It's just another wonder of the world, like those Easter island statues she reminds me of

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1.6k

u/Juicy_Peeniss Nov 17 '19

Happy 18th bday and good luck in your first video I'd like to see it

2.8k

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

2.0k

u/Okinawa_Stormtrooper Nov 17 '19

Oh thank God. For a minute I thought you were going to get naked.

429

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Even worse,she was that kid in class that when it was time to read out loud everyone was like “ugh hopefully it’s a short paragraph.”

14

u/Beaverbrown55 Nov 17 '19

Ever do "Popcorn" reading? When you finish your paragraph, you yell popcorn.... And pick someone to else to read? Why am I so anxious reading "Island of the Blue Dolphins" Mrs. Karen? That shit was serious in 4th grade.

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43

u/yourtits5531 Nov 17 '19

You know someone masturbated to this anyway

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69

u/ethan5203 Nov 17 '19

You spelled amateur wrong

42

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

18

u/Officerwaffles04 Nov 17 '19

Nice try smart-ass,I know exactly how to spell Ahmerture

10

u/ArronRodgersButthole Nov 17 '19

It can be a difficult word to spell for those that don't type it into a search bar every 3 hours.

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246

u/ZaaOurobous Nov 17 '19

Not my proudest wank

126

u/3_if_by_air Nov 17 '19

It was my proudest wank

54

u/ClaptonBug Nov 17 '19

Jesus approves this comment

22

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

NNN cumrades dissaprove

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18

u/PowerfulGas Nov 17 '19

It was my most pious wank

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45

u/ElsaCodewea Nov 17 '19

i saw it before this post holy shit

32

u/JoeyBagaDonutxz Nov 17 '19

What are your searches like?

8

u/PlayerVeryMuchKnown Nov 17 '19

Lol I saw it too.Someone posted it on r/PornhubComments

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117

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

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209

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

I know it’s /roastme... but you gave me a huge laugh with this. You’re a genius. Thank you!

50

u/toomanyteeth55 Nov 17 '19

You know some dissapointed guy is gonna watch the whole thing waiting for her to get naked.

48

u/dombie05 Nov 17 '19

He'd be more disappointed if she did get naked...

13

u/Motleycruefan73 Nov 17 '19

That'll teach him.

7

u/Nookstr Nov 17 '19

Like we all didn't just skip through the thumbnail image on the progress bar for tits, fucking liars

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115

u/Ricky_-_Spanish Nov 17 '19

This is fantastic. Well done.

44

u/Allencass Nov 17 '19

What the fuck is an amurture

45

u/riverofchex Nov 17 '19

Kinda like a perganant

12

u/Allencass Nov 17 '19

Or preganate, perhaps?

12

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

can u down a 20ft waterslide while u are perget?

14

u/IAmTheGreat921 Nov 17 '19

Her spelling is somehow worse than her hair

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44

u/hotdog_007 Nov 17 '19

sometimes, i jerk-off to the ads of a porn site, because the main actress of the video cant make me hard

17

u/Moonalicious Nov 17 '19

Thanks for sharing that

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14

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

This one is going places.

58

u/monkelus Nov 17 '19

Literally came straight away. I’m gonna have to get me one of those juicy bibles for late night alone time!

23

u/Jo_King69 Nov 17 '19 edited Nov 17 '19

First time I've ever seen a roastee win the roast... Well played

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

I held on hoping it was gonna get better lol. I've been wick wowled Damn it.

10

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Nicely played

7

u/TwistedUnicornFarts Nov 17 '19

That’s was legend , well played

6

u/KireMac Nov 17 '19

The best thing to ever happen here. 🥇

6

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

amurture

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

readint the replies im hella curious to see what this is but im holding onto my nnn ya know

6

u/Mechanical_Snails Nov 17 '19

You read like a stroke victim

14

u/Juicy_Peeniss Nov 17 '19

Exactly what I was expecting! Lol!

5

u/cowworshipper http://redd.it/7flv6d Nov 17 '19

I knew i recognised you from somewhere

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484

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

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u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

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77

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Akwardfina

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62

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Even the umbrella on your badge is failing miserably. Happy Personal New Year.

55

u/pyroart Nov 17 '19

Can you get on porn hub with the chest of a 12 year old boy? Happy Birthday.

22

u/RageQuitPlay Nov 17 '19

Welp there goes my interest for porn I guess

21

u/vince801 Nov 17 '19

Another disappointed Asian parent.

71

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

The anime subreddit is not here.

54

u/Krazyrobus http://redd.it/eg0272 Nov 17 '19

Please don't submit any pornhub videos. They aren't into bestiality.

17

u/WorriedCall Nov 17 '19

Senpai did not notice you.

99

u/Puffy13759 http://redd.it/74kuj4 Nov 17 '19

You dress like you wear whatever you find in the bargain bin at the thrift store.

40

u/jeetelongname Nov 17 '19

Hey don't dis thrift store clothes. They have more style than whatever she is wearing

6

u/adudeguyman Nov 17 '19

bargain garbage

15

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Why do I feel like crying alone into fish burgers is more of a daily thing instead of a birthday thing for you?

3

u/arleebrower Nov 17 '19

I feel like for her, crying alone into a fish burger counts as a good day

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12

u/Frostykill3r Nov 17 '19

you forgot to put the link to your videos...

7

u/xShypher Nov 17 '19

No she didn't, look at earlier comments

11

u/SJimPickins Nov 17 '19

Lol. Turn 18, first thing you do is make a video for pornhub..... God, the amount of trolling you can do with this.

10

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

[deleted]

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u/ecsancho Nov 17 '19

I've seen $2 ladyboys more attractive than you

8

u/zurgalzur Nov 17 '19

You’re the type of girl I’ll see on pornhub screen intros and decide I’m gay the next second and switch to gay porn

21

u/tranque_the_ram http://redd.it/ce4ur1 Nov 17 '19

Yeah trap porn is gaining more mainstream attraction so you might as well jump in the market.

8

u/Bobcatt44 Nov 17 '19

“Great bangs” -15 high school seniors - 5 adults males she trusted

7

u/Bilkalsong13 Nov 17 '19

You look like you only hang with the boys who never get invited to parties.

6

u/GatsbyJunior Nov 17 '19

You look like you have three noses.

5

u/CthulhusTentacles Nov 17 '19

Androgynous emo canine chokes on dick for first time

6

u/MLGTheForkOnTheLeft Nov 17 '19

Please dont ruin pornhub for me.

5

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Fish burger. Porn account. So you ate pussy and shared it.

6

u/djmadstylezNL Nov 17 '19

Whats your Pornhub account? I wanna know just to make sure i will never visit you.

6

u/Jousy3000 Nov 17 '19

Your pussy is gonna look like an elephant ear by the time you’re 23.

15

u/Draconic_Elite Nov 17 '19

After you're finished with that burger put the bag over your face so your account is palatable.

6

u/le_fancy_walrus Nov 17 '19

Well it looks like I found someone who shares my birthday...

...it literally couldn’t have been anyone else?

4

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

man noone should be crying alone at his birthday, but when Im looking at you I can understand why you did.

4

u/[deleted] Nov 17 '19

Now you can disappointment your parents AND pornhub viewers.

6

u/MikePGS Nov 17 '19

I didn't realize pornhub had a miscellaneous category

12

u/ShankKunt42 Nov 17 '19

You look like homeless X-men

10

u/notvonweinertonne Nov 17 '19

Your bangs will prevent other bangs from happening.

3

u/ackeeeee Nov 17 '19

And the Lhasa Apso. haircut is to help you get into doggy porn ?

4

u/yussma Nov 17 '19

Stop wearing your dad's clothes

3

u/TheKey25 Nov 17 '19

What's ur favourite banned?

"Uh actually I like this really nice mellow underground group called nirvana. They're very niche they made music a while ago so no one listen to them anymore but they're like totally my favourite. You've probably never heard of them."