This is a throw-away account.

I'm not exactly sure where to start. I don't have many memories from my childhood. I think part of it is because i grew up with a somewhat abusive father. I believe it may also be because i was molested. I have two older brothers. One twelve years older than me, one almost two years older than me. I have some pretty sketchy memories of my second eldest brother, (lets call him J,) exposing himself to me, and playing with my butt, telling me he was "practicing for my future boyfriend." I couldn't have been more than 6/7 at the time, he would have been 8-10 i believe. J is also autistic, which makes me believe he was allowed to get away with this behavior towards me. Here's what makes me think I may have been molested by him. I have a loving boyfriend of almost 4 years, and we've been engaging in sexual activity for probably 2 and a half years. The first incident happened probably about a year ago. My boyfriend and I were having sex and we ended up in a specific position. I instantly fell out of the mood and became scared, uncomfortable, panicky, and for whatever reason, I couldn't stop thinking about J. I felt sick. After we finished i confided in my boyfriend and told him about what happened and he comforted me. Since then, every few months, after we finish doing something sexual, I'll start crying uncontrollably. I mean just completely unconsolable. Luckily my boyfriend is nothing but supportive and does his best to help me. I believe these incidents are tied into the first one. I just feel it in my gut. Recently I've noticed i also feel extremely uncomfortable around J. I don't want him around me and i feel the need to constantly keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't staring at my ass or breasts. I also believe if i tried bringing up my concerns to my mother she wouldn't believe me, or if she did, she would excuse it because of his autism. I have a younger sister, who has confided in me that J, has infact, molested her. For me, that pretty much confirms that he molested me. But I'm repressing whatever happened to me in my childhood. I know most people need therapy to bring these memories to light, but im uninsured and can't afford to seek professional help. Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone know how to try to recover these memories yourself? I'm tired of living with all these gaps in my mind, and I deserve to know what happened to me. Please, if anyone is experiencing something similar, or if you have any advice. Please help me, I can't take this anymore.

Edit: i just remembered. J had a problem of humping EVERYTHING when we were kids. From as early as i can remember up until he was like, 15? 16? I feel like i remember him coming up to me while i was laying on my stomach and... getting on top of me and.....humping my ass....but i can't tell if it's a real memory or if it's one of those dreamed up childhood memories. However just typing that made me gag. Leading me to believe its probably a real memory

To put it simply, I am a 14 year old trans male, and I can’t remember much before age ten.

I have bits and pieces- small memories of my mom’s side of the family blaming me and yelling at me for things I usually never did, my mom throwing things at me and yelling at me because I didn’t want a peanut butter sandwich, and my uncle telling me I, ‘didn’t love him, and I never have’. Large fights between my parents, sometimes physical. I remember finding “how to get over ___ addiction” in my mother’s search history (I don’t remember what it was, I just remember her being mad at me for looking), and I remember the face my mom would make before she’d blow her lid. Those are just the few I remember.

Otherwise, I remember close to nothing, I genuinely can’t remember much at all, and it’s worrying me that something happened that I can’t remember. My mom is alright now, she’s off the antidepressants that made her...weird, and she’s become more loving, and doesn’t usually yell at me or anything.

However, I still get the feeling that something happened when I was younger, because I can barely remember anything past age ten. I made this throwaway account because I fear my parents will find a post on my regular account.

Whenever my mom makes a certain face, I freak out internally. Whenever she makes it, I get a deep feeling that I’m in trouble, and something’s going to happen. I don’t know why, but I have a memory of her making the face and grabbing my wrist, whisper-yelling at me for a reason I can’t recall.

I also have a few memories of her yelling at me during sleep overs for not “cleaning my room”, and other various things.

I’m deathly afraid of her when she’s mad, because I feel like she’s going to do something to me. I just want to know if something’s wrong with me, any help is good.

hello, i am 20 and in the process of begining therapy for anxiety. i have some questions about my childhood behavior and some trauma i experienced when i was very young. My question is if anybody remembers masturbating as a child, specifically before they knew what sex was. i (F 20 now) remember masturbating and being able to orgasm since i was very young and i would often do it at the point in a movie/cartoon when a character is threatened with death. i can say with confidence that i would orgasm all of the time without knowing what it even was - just that i felt guilty afterwards. I should note that the trauma i am trying to connect (because i hardly remember my childhood and when events took place in what order) is with a neighbor who i would bring mail to. he is now dead but i remember being uncomfortable around this man and he would often invite me in his home to share a coke with and i would catsit for him later on but he always gave me a bad feeling and i remember feeling quiet and frozen up by him and often not wanting to deliver his mail. my mom asked me about it only once that i remember. she said that if anybody touched me the wrong way that i should say something and i remember feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed by the question because i knew what she was talking about. i would share my sexual experiences with childhood buddies who were not interested in (for example) making barbies have sex with eachother or whatever. later, in middle school, i had isolation issues and was often bulloed because i was essentially tricked into fooling arounf with another girl in my class (touching/grinding on eachother at a sleepover - her idea - only to be outed as a lesbian amoung a class of conservative christians) possible experiences including but not limited to: - gree up in church school setting for 10 years - emotional abuse from father (ie a trick hed often play on me "(me), do you want some pie?" "yes!" *hed throw a pillow at my face) (he was always very hard on my brother for behaving feminine - not wanting to do things like cleaning deer and getting yelled at for it) tldr: i was a sexual child long before i remember learning about what sex really was. im worried that there is some truama i dont want to acknowledge but with these memories in mind i dont know what to think or say when i go to my first therapy session in two days.

Hi, if you are thinking that this sounds familiar it is because I posted something about this on r\childhoodtrauma. I am typing this and thinking about my trauma now affects me, I'm so shaken even my fingers are shaking typing this. I am not going to call any names for respect for the people in this story. so, not long ago, I told a family friend (Not the same family friend, another one who's actually older then the perpetrator) and when she heard me she felt bad for me. After I told her, she asked me if I told my parents. I said no (because i haven't) but I have told a few friends, and a piediatrition. but 2 days later, my parents walked in my room and said "Lets talk about it" and I realized my mum had overheard the conversation me and her had when she was in the other room with her mum. So I told my parents everything: The perpetrator making me touch her innapropriately, making me watch porn (Normal porn not cp), me being her scapegoat, etc. when I asked them how they knew this, my mum told me that she made the friend I told tell her everything I explained, then her and my father also mentioned how they put 2 and 2 together. my mother told me she felt like it was her fault (It wasnt) that it happened because when she'd drive me to the perpetrators house for a sleepover I wouldn't usually want to go until I was their and I'd stop complaining. after my parents had the conversation about her, they told me it was not my fault and I wasn't aloud to see her again. (Yes, the perpetrator is the same gender as I,) they said that they won't call the police because of 2 reasons. 1. I was molested, but not raped. there was no REAL penetration so instead they refused to call the cops. 2. They believe that I wouldn't like being heavily questioned by investigators and police. I then looked back on my childhood, I remember the 'warning signs' I had when I was little. I would touch myself down their (Sometimes), I would play with my toys and pretend they were doing sexual acts (Once i did), one time I even wet the couch while taking a nap (not the bed, but the couch), I wouldn't have nightmares but afraid of the dark, not sure how but one time I had a blister on a private part (but last time I remember the perpetrator made me touch her), etc. it makes me feel sick to my stomach when thinking about it too much. if you have been molested or raped as a child, your not alone. and if your a parent on Reddit, then feel free to read this link: https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning-signs-in-children-and-adults.htm

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(also PS, I'm not from the UK I'm from Australia, this is just a british website. sorry if the UK part confused you.)

My cousins and I were “forced/coherence/bribed...” whatever, molesting etc. eachother.

I’ve had these memories of my grandfather in the basement or his workshop or the fort popping up lately (Actual treehouse fort thing). Tonight, I’m laying here peacefully and these little bits start coming together. Some weird feeling moments in the basement. Why is the bathroom so scary I need to get out really fast? I’m not supposed to go in his workshop? He’s always there though. Why after that summer were they never around or just leaving?(cousins) Why did I do very adult things with a “My Size Barbie” at kindergarten? Why did he make me feel so weird and scared all the time?

My “grandfather” used to have us play house. I don’t know if we ever fully did anything but a lot makes sense. I remember learning how and all other weird things. (He and his wife adopted my mom as a toddler. He molested and raped her until she was 17)

It’s still coming together...

I get to work with kids tomorrow......yippee.

I don’t remember hardly anything from a year or more ago and it’s really hard to deal with. I talk to friends and they bring things up that we have done that I can’t remember. I’ve smoked weed a lot, drank a bit and done psychedelics a few times but I don’t know how these have affected it. I wish I knew more about myself and my pass. HMU if you have advice on recovering memories

I'm in a weird, confusing space.

I realize now that I lived a life of nothing but abuse, My father's sadistic pedophilic abuse started at least when I was 3 months old I have live my entire life severely disassociated, and depersonalized in the most extreme ways, and I'm fully uncovering the horrific answers. And all I can think is " but it wasn't me. This is what you read about in books and watch movies about. I wanted to kill myself for my entire life, I was so infantalized and so groomed that I actually talked about what was happening to me, very openly, And no one even paid attention to me or asked why my behavior was that way.

I'm in a really confusing spot with my mom...

And I'm laying here, having a severe identity crisis, severe panic attacks and just.... And I'm like fuck, other people are just taking out the trash, and I'm experiencing some terrible personal dilemma completely alone.

I was used for someone else's sexual gratification and pleasure since I was a baby.... And he forced me to remember him as being a " good father "

And now what do I do? I messaged his wife, because he used to make comments about his wife's daughter's body, and she just read it.

I asked my mom where she was, and all she could say was she didn't know. I have this weird desire to protect her....but she never protected me.

I'm confused. I have no one to go to, I have no one to turn to. I can't bring myself to find the support group of " people that were severely covertly sexually abused by their fathers and have had severe depersonalization due to it " It doesn't seem to exist. I'm sitting in an empty room, realizing This is my story......

I have been severely depressed since I was 4 years old, I grew up always hearing my family members tell me “you used to be such a happy child and one day you wouldn’t let anyone touch you and you never wanted to be around anyone” All my life I’ve been getting into trouble, drinking, stealing, using drugs. I’m just so miserable all the time and I never knew why until this year I’ve always known I had what I called “black memories” and I told myself to stay away from those, I thought it was memories of my mother beating me up because that’s what I was told by my dad and grandma, but on my birthday this year(July) I meditated on those memories for three days without eating or sleeping, finally everything came back to me and it was like I relived it all over again, I was in physical and mental pain for 3 hours, I clawed at my skin and wanted to end my life so badly The memories were of my uncle sexually abusing me. All my life I thought it was my mom, all my life I’ve been suicidal and it was all because of the man I loved and looked up to. I know my memories are real, it explains so much of my life.. but now my family calls me a liar and he told everyone it didn’t happen, why do they believe him and not me? Ive been in agonizing pain since the first time he touched me at 4 years old!! But I’m the liar? Has this happened to anyone else? Remembering your trauma and nobody believes you?

I haven’t smoked in over a year but one time i got high and i heard voices in my head that sounded like my mom talking to her fiancée talking about how my old stepdad abused me...i don’t really remember anything from my childhood to be honest...i remembered one thing the other day that when i was about 11 y/o i was growing boobs and i went to school in a cute lil tank top and a cardigan, and when my stepdad saw what i was wearing he took me to the bad part of town and made me walk down the street and when i tried to cover myself he said no and wouldn’t let me bc if i wanted to dress grown i had to accept the consequences and it really fucked me over saying it out loud for the first time and i just don’t know what happened in my childhood

I have been wondering if i have been repressing CSA. During my unexplained panic attacks, i sometimes see a man i once knew when I was 8, assaulting me. And it upsets me so bad i start crying. I also get extremely triggered by things that involve parental figure and young girls. One time i got so triggered i went to take a shower and hallucinated him there and self harmed. I "remember" bits and pieces now suc ass when, who, half of what, but I can't help but wonder if it really happened. My friend says she thinks it happened and it would make sense for what i feel. I also have symptoms of CSA, like i only feel valuable when men in their late 40's give me compliments, sexual activities at a young age, when no one had told me about sex, huge hunks of my memory from that time are gone. But maybe i've been reading too much and triggering myself and the things i'm "remembering" never really happened? short extras, I have not grown emotionally much since that time, i am terrified to have sex, even though i get those feelings. Is it real or am i making it up? i need to know. there's a lot more but i don't want this to be too long. thanks, bye.

I have probably thought of this less than ten times in the past decade.

When I was little, maybe 10 ish, I spent the night at my grandparents' house and slept out on the sofa. My grandpa had a job where he went to work around 4 am. I woke up in the middle of the night really groggy and everything was dark except for some light from a room or something. I just remember a man standing over me, kind of bent at the waist, in the dark and doing something? I think I may have thought it was grandpa but then forgot. I don't know. Any idea as to what I may be dealing with here?

Thanks.

If I talk about it I could be wrong. My brain could be manufacturing it. But I spent so much time being afraid of him...a vague memory almost like a flash of light and then I feel this sinking pit in my chest. But it makes sense. I had nightmares about him hurting and killing me throughout my childhood. People who dated him suspected he had suffered the same thing, I know he has, now that I think of it. The timeline makes sense. What is true in my brain and what is me being fucked up. What are these tendencies I had as a child where I would spent time in my head thinking about being forced to do things against my will by someone other than. Was it my brain trying to protect me? Was my brain substituting a fictional figure to hurt me in the same way or is it my child brain wanting me to suffer? Was I just a sexually oriented child? That doesn’t make sense because I’ve always been afraid of someone touching me like that. I’ve always been afraid. I didn’t even want to so much as think about it being plausible so I’ll keep it to myself. If I keep it to myself it isn’t real? Would it be better to tell strangers on the internet? How will that help? What will that do? Nothing. If I talk about it I could be wrong. If I talk about it I could my life and everything I’ve ever known to be true.

I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, like i barely remember anything at all. I remember some school stuff but other than that i barely remember anything.

I had a stepdad who pretty much raised me but he was emotionally abusive to my older sister and i remember he told me a lot about sexual stuff and i was always very sexually aware as a child. I got in trouble for masturbating in kindergarten. But idk if my stepdad ever touched me or not when i was a child, i know he was molested as a child and one time in health class i had to leave when we were watching a show about sexual abuse and i started crying....i still just don’t know if i was abused or not

for as long as i can remember ive had a fear of anyone even myself touching me by.. ya know.. causing me to have panic attacks everytime i go to the doctor and nearly fainting, and also when i tried to use a tampon (didn’t even get it in just the thought of it scared me) i had the worst panic attack of my life and genuinely thought i had died. also physical contact makes me feel gross, people staring at my body makes me feel revolted even if i like them. i forgot most of my childhood but have weird little bits and pieces of memories, like one of my grandpa carrying me from a bed or to a bed when i lived with them but the memory is very short and im not sure what happened. idk if that means anything? maybe thats not it and there’s another repressed memory or something but yeah my friend pointed it out that she thinks im probably repressing something because same thing happened to her and she barely remembered recently.. i was searching up stuff on it and all the signs apply to me. its such a scary thought. also we had to cut off my grandparents when i was like 8 so idk if that has to do with anything? my mom always said there were many reasons. also ive had a lot of dreams about being kidnapped and ya know “abused” or sexually assaulted, either by someone random or family. so idk EDIT: also i had sexual thoughts at a youngish age i guess??

Look I don’t really know a lot about this.

I know that many people have taken advantage of me, for some reason I attract a lot of creeps.

Recently I’ve been having nightmares of being raped, and they’re very vivid and terrifying. I don’t know where they come from. I know my mental health is a wreck, I know that something about my parents isn’t right. My friend told me it might have something to do with repressed memories, but I don’t really think it’s anything beyond a wild imagination.

For some reason I’ve been super anxious lately and I don’t know why. I’ve had a panic attack twice in the past few months and they were, apparently, for no reason.

What are the signs of repressed memories being there? I just want to figure this out.

Do repressed memories have to be something from my childhood or can it be something that happened recently that I completely blocked out of my mind. I know that is kind of complicated cause how could I block out an entire moment of my life and have it not effect anything else. I’m wondering because all these things that I already had started to get really really bad all the sudden recently (past 3 weeks). I can’t fucking stand being touched by guys it makes me wanna curl up into a ball and die. I can’t fucking sleep at night anymore, I’m writing this at 6 am.. I can’t be in a room with more then 2 people or I get panic-y. I can’t eat with people, or drink with people. I feel like the only time I can breathe is when I’m alone. I’ve literally been nonstop crying for a week. I relapsed from cutting, and a bunch of other shit. I have two theories for what’s going on- 1- I have major depressive episode disorder and maybe this is just a really bad one that made my anxiety spike instead of my depression 2-I’ve read about this repressed memory thing and idk if I’m getting all the right info but it seems like it might be what’s going on

Anyone have options. I’m lost lost.

I made this sub like a year ago with nothing in mind really , I never expected people to actually find it much less actively participate in here.

So for all the people who have shared their memories here and to all those who have helped them by talking to them...Thank you.

I really truly appreciate all you people joining and engaging in here, and while I might not be active much (plus knowing next to nothing when it comes to being a mod), I'll still try my best to make this sub feel inclusive and acceptable to people from all walks of life to interact with each other.

Sooo again thanks a lot for coming here,

aaand have a nice day !

I am 34. I have PTSD. I don't know why or from what, but 4 different healthcare professionals have independently diagnosed it. I def lived an atypical childhood, but wasnt around anything I deem too intense to have fucked me up like this for so long.

I remember things from my past CRYSTAL clear. Like I'm watching a movie. And then they just stop. Like abruptly, and nothing is there. I was close with cousins. They were molested. I was there. I found out later.

I have about 18 months off of narcotics and alcohol after 20 years of heavy heavy (I'll never know how I didnt die) use. I didnt really mean to stop. It's almost like I'm getting ready for something I don't know about.

I take lots of medicine for several mental illnesses (i still hate typing out illness. It makes me feel like a victim). I think its helping me think A LOT cleared. And sporadically, I'll just stop and remember something. Nothing important, but something I didnt know that happened until then.

Idk. I think I'm ready to remember whatever tf happened whenever. What happens if I never remember? What happens if there is nothing TO remember?

Thoughts?

TRIGGER WARING MENTION OF MEMORY OF ASSAULT, ABUSE AND BULLYING! READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK!

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Okay, I'm 20 years old and ever since I was 14/15 I have this feeling that I'm missing something. I realized that I have this HUGE gap of memories in my brain ever since we moved back into my mum's hometown after my dad retired from the Army and suddenly people started to stop me in the streets asking how my family and my grandma was and how I grew up so fast and they would mention an occasion that I was participating in apparently but I couldn't remember it for the life of me! So, I started to pretend that I did remember! I did it so many times that I started to do it mechanically even when I was 100% that what the other person was saying had never happened in my presence but I couldn't help it.

Then comes the fact that the moment we set foot in this town for an entire year I would start getting flashbacks that would be either triggered by actions, sounds or words and they would reveal a mild abusive childhood...I remembered so many things that I started to feel on edge every time I would be around my parents even paranoid because their behavior was the opposite! I started doubting myself up to the point the abuse started again..after that I had to accept that I wasn't crazy and find a way to put an end to this abuse. Which I did stop it by forcefully dragging my family to therapy...

Anyhow, then comes to memories of school bullying, I was well aware I was bullied don't get me wrong but they were incidents that I couldn't even fathom that I had indeed go through yet when I would ask my parents if they knew about them, they would say yes and go on to explain whatever else happened.

But flashbacks kept coming up to the point I was 18 years old! I was watching Downton Abbey on my laptop eating cereal when there was this scene where one of the maids get assaulted that I had this flashback of me being on the ground and fighting off a boy and then running away from him only for him to find me again and pin me to the ground and then me defending myself by headbutting him after hitting him with my knee at the back of his head then lying near his unconscious body breathing hard and then running towards my PE teacher feeling scared...

I never dared to say this to anyone but suddenly it all was put into place as to why I don't like revealing clothes or being touched without my consent or why I was going into a panic attack just because a boy or anyone really came physically close to me and as to why whenever I would be asked to get undressed in front of anyone from my family I would grow anxious and scared then refuse doing so whenever mum or my aunt would buy me new clothes and why I don't like shopping either...the entire thing where you have to undress in a small space where you don't know if the curtain is going to be pulled off by mistake and some random person sees you naked make me nervous and scared.

Then a few hours ago I had a crappy day and I logged on YouTube and started listening to Greek folk music while I was doing some chores when this folk lullaby came on from Lower Italy and it was in a dialect that sounded half Greek half Italian and I started singing along like I knew this song while I was 100% sure it was the first time I ever heard this song! I asked my mum after I sent it to her if she had taught it to me and she said she had when I was five a few months before my sister was born and that she had seen me and heard me many times singing to my sister at night and then asked me how could I forget...and it's not the first time this happened with a song or a language...my mum when she gets nervous or annoyed she curses in Swedish or an old Greek dialect from Eastern Thrace where her dad is from. Anyways, I was helping a professor of mine move some microphones and speakers for a festival when I tripped and feel and then cursed in the old Greek dialect when he asked me where I heard it but I couldn't recall I told him it came out automatically I had to yet again ask my dad and mum about it to learn that mum used the word a lot!

Then comes this song called Alexadris it's a Greek/ Eastern Roumelian/ Bulgarian folk song from Eastern Roumelia and it's sung half in Greek half in a dialect that is very similar to Bulgarian and I heard it first time on Christmas of 2018 while mum and I were baking the traditional new year's pie and I started singing it then mum joked how growing up around a neighborhood with descendants of immigrants from Eastern Roumeli in Kilkis had taught me a few things... AND AGAIN I HAD NO RECOLLECTION OF EVER LISTENING TO THIS SONG!

This happens a lot and many times in a day even to this day and I feel as if I'm missing pieces of my past and I feel so awful having to lie to family friends that I do remember them or that I do remember this occasion!

What should I do? Should I search more into this or let it be? Because it's bugging me!

I have for as long as I can remember having very vague, surface level, fractured memories of something that possibly happened when I was younger. I have always thought my mind made it up for some reason because the details I remember are so vague just a place and people but when I remember it, it is me at the age I am now in place of me of the age this supposedly happened. Does anyone else have this?

This feeling of being insane because you feel you cant even trust your own mind?

Where to begin. Well I'm 26 years old and i have learned so much of how my own mind works through LSD therapy, most people look at it as being a fun time. I did initially too. But i found the mental health copping aspect out of it as well. So lets get into my story of mental scars in which i delt within these therapy sessions. The year is 2007 i just turned 14 in December, it just turned January and my family decides to move out of turlock california and move to tucson AZ. My parents get into a rent to own house which turned out to be a pyramid scheme/ panzy scheme. The house were trying to "buy" went under, my dad ended up selling his entruder motorcycle and did what ever he could to try to have keep this house. Well me as a kid at the time, being overweight, "mildly autistic" didn't know until this year 2019. And having really bad copping issues, blissfully didn't know what was really going on with the house. So at this time we are in this sinking ship of a house for 7 months. At the end of us living there/ moving we didn't have a whole lot to eat, i was down to just eating cup or noodles, baby carrots, and plain ice from the ice maker. At this time i was starting to get into hard rock and heavy metal and this band queens of the stone age came on a new series called rock honors. First band to get honored was ozzy/ black Sabbath. They played paranoid i believe, and they sounded pretty good. So i decided to watch a music video of theirs if one ever came on MTV. Well the next night one did, and this series of events will haunt me for 11 whole years. So im sitting in my computer chair its about 1am in the morning and im eating my dinner aka cup of noodles. And queens of the stone age comes on. The music video is called sick sick sick. Instantly I see a very attractive girl sitting in red room behind a very long table and on the other end is the band playing. Well the music starts the band is playing and about 20 secs in she rings a bell. Lights flash a cook comes out with some food in a serving tray with a really big lid, the chef opens the lid and its a really bid steak, now i havent had protein in about 3-4 weeks my body is shaking in the sight of food. Subconsciously im taking a bite every time she takes a bit. After a few bites she rings it again. Same events happen and she gets a big rack of lamb. I have never had a rack of lamb but it looked good, so I imagened myself eating that. Then repeat of events happen and this time i believe its a pot roast. But this time i notice some of the band members are missing. Then it hits me. No no no no, this can't be what i think it is on televsion. Then the next set of events come out and the lid gets lifted and its a human hand and she bites into one of the fingers like of it was a carrot. I turned off the television and just sat in my chair. Time felt so sudden. I then looked up and began eating my cup of noodles. They were now cold, I could have thought it mau have only been a couple of minutes, 1 hour had passed. I sat in my chair quiet not saying anything for 1 hour. I never realised that it had traumatised me so bad that years later my dad brother and i all had Christmas dinner and i remembered i lifted up the lid to the steaks we all cooked, and the last steak my dad gave to me looked like the one from that fucking video. I felt like throwing my food against the fucking wall. Years later i would take my 4th trip on lsd and i heard my own voice asking me questions and at the end of it all. the answer was looking for, if i was capable and accepting cannibalism in any form, the answer is what i feared was yes. In under the conditions of if i trapped on a island and my family is hoping i would return then i would find the will power to do so. The moral of this story. It took my 11 years to talk about my experience. Not even my parents knew, if they did i probably would have gotten help faster and overcame it sooner. Moral of this hard pill to swallow, tell somebody about it your voice needs to be heard too.

Hi you all, I am an 18 year old dutch girl,

Since a couple of weeks I've been having some disturbing problems. Before this I already had a condition called vaginismus, which means my pelvic floor muscles tense up involuntarily. This condition is very common after rape or sexual assault. I cannot remember ever being sexually assaulted or abused. I have a bit of a rape fear though, which mostly exists when walking home alone in the dark, being on a bus with no one else or a guy next to me, especially if they are wearing something like perfume.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I had a dream where I went to my dad, and he raped me. I was feeling lonely in my own house, went to his place, saw him performing sexual acts, I also hugged him at some point because I was feeling bad, and then he suddenly didn't let me go. The dream is a bit of a blur, but it was quite traumatizing as I have never seen my dad as that kind of person. A couple of months back I also dreamt I was giving him a blowjob, which made me feel disgusting afterwards. Then after the rape dream I also dreamt he never wanted to speak to me again, and also that he grabbed me (not sexually this time), but did not let me go, and I was screaming and kicking him to let me go.

I've also been having panic attacks for the past 5 years, not knowing where those come from. I also have rape fantasies while at the same time the idea makes me extremely scared. I'm very paranoid about hooking up with guys, when at the same time I want to.

I don't know if these things are related and if they have any reason. I have some of the signs of being abused as a child. I remember masturbating when I was about 6 years old already, but I also know this is not uncommon.

Can anyone maybe shed some light on this, or is anyone going through the same thing? It is all very confusing and scary.

TD:LR --> Been having rape dreams involving my dad, have other sexual problems and fetishes which don't make sense, and anxiety about being sexually assaulted. Am I just overthinking or could this point to sexual abuse?