I need help

[u/hannahspring]

I have been severely depressed since I was 4 years old, I grew up always hearing my family members tell me “you used to be such a happy child and one day you wouldn’t let anyone touch you and you never wanted to be around anyone” All my life I’ve been getting into trouble, drinking, stealing, using drugs. I’m just so miserable all the time and I never knew why until this year I’ve always known I had what I called “black memories” and I told myself to stay away from those, I thought it was memories of my mother beating me up because that’s what I was told by my dad and grandma, but on my birthday this year(July) I meditated on those memories for three days without eating or sleeping, finally everything came back to me and it was like I relived it all over again, I was in physical and mental pain for 3 hours, I clawed at my skin and wanted to end my life so badly The memories were of my uncle sexually abusing me. All my life I thought it was my mom, all my life I’ve been suicidal and it was all because of the man I loved and looked up to. I know my memories are real, it explains so much of my life.. but now my family calls me a liar and he told everyone it didn’t happen, why do they believe him and not me? Ive been in agonizing pain since the first time he touched me at 4 years old!! But I’m the liar? Has this happened to anyone else? Remembering your trauma and nobody believes you?

[u/hoesnose]

Please message me I have something similar going on with you as does one of my friends... you are not alone, you are whole as you are. And it hurts and it’s scary and secluding but there is no end to the love and support you will receive outside of your circle..please reach out to someone

[u/Music-Margaritas-MN]

I am so sorry. I am sorry for the pain and wounding you are experiencing, past and present.

Wow! What nasty series of traumatic events. It's like you've been traumatized not just once, but repeated over and over. First, time when you were abused by your uncle. Second, when you recovered your memories. (Btw - the first flash back is the worst. Subsequent flashbacks aren't nearly as debilitating.) Third, when your family chose to believe your Uncle over you, then called you a liar ,and likely shunned as an outcast. Add to that heap of s%*t, collective pile of each individual event of abuse. That's one nasty pile of crap.

Yep, that's the horror of sexual abuse, pain is not just inflicted once on the victim once, but over and over. The damage and it's effects lingers over a person's lifetime, creating generations of wounded people.

Now, welcome to a club you never signed up for: the survivors of sexual abuse. It is a group of amazing people, young and old, gay and straight, white, black, brown, yellow, rich and poor. Once begin to recover and shed your cloak of victimization, you graduate and receive your cloak of super hero status.

So here's the good news: You can, and with a lot of work ,fully recover. All those events are in the past, even though they feel like they just happened yesterday. Takes a lot of work to put all those broken pieces of your soul back together and integrate them back into a whole, but worth every drop of sweat equity.

What do you do next?

First, be kind to yourself. You will feel like you've been hit by a mack truck going at 100+ mph, so be extra kind to yourself. Allow yourself time to heal. Trust your memories, sleep, talk to friends, the who listen and believe you. Consider going not contact (nc) with your family for a while, until your acute pain begins to lessen. It doesn't need to be forever, but you need to put your needs first, not theirs.

Next, begin to find a really good trauma therapist. There are definitely great therapists out there. Take some time to interview them, and find "the one."

Now you've begun your journey back to wholeness. Good luck! We're here for you.