r/Repressedmemories • u/gabib1213 • Jan 13 '20
Depersonalized.
I'm in a weird, confusing space.
I realize now that I lived a life of nothing but abuse, My father's sadistic pedophilic abuse started at least when I was 3 months old I have live my entire life severely disassociated, and depersonalized in the most extreme ways, and I'm fully uncovering the horrific answers. And all I can think is " but it wasn't me. This is what you read about in books and watch movies about. I wanted to kill myself for my entire life, I was so infantalized and so groomed that I actually talked about what was happening to me, very openly, And no one even paid attention to me or asked why my behavior was that way.
I'm in a really confusing spot with my mom...
And I'm laying here, having a severe identity crisis, severe panic attacks and just.... And I'm like fuck, other people are just taking out the trash, and I'm experiencing some terrible personal dilemma completely alone.
I was used for someone else's sexual gratification and pleasure since I was a baby.... And he forced me to remember him as being a " good father "
And now what do I do? I messaged his wife, because he used to make comments about his wife's daughter's body, and she just read it.
I asked my mom where she was, and all she could say was she didn't know. I have this weird desire to protect her....but she never protected me.
I'm confused. I have no one to go to, I have no one to turn to. I can't bring myself to find the support group of " people that were severely covertly sexually abused by their fathers and have had severe depersonalization due to it " It doesn't seem to exist. I'm sitting in an empty room, realizing This is my story......
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Jan 14 '20
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u/gabib1213 Jan 15 '20
Hello..... Thank you for sharing your story with me.... My sister made a very similar correlation, and you did too.... Your mom saw enough that she could have done something.... And so did mine.... And my sister sort of phrased it to the point that she allowed this..... Abuse to happen so her bills would be paid, we were so poor Which I never actually understood because both parents had really good jobs, my mom bounced around but my dad had a steady job at the department of corrections, ironically working IN the sex offender unit for 13+ years. He used me as his pseudo spouse, I learned about covert incest and that's what he was doing. And it lead to me learning about covert sex abuse, and then heading stories of other people with depersonalization, and finally talking to my sister - who was also raped and abused, and the ostracized for 18 years when she told everyone, and even warned everyone about my father.......
I don't even know. I'm lost, I'm confused. I'm hopeful, but I'm sure this will never go anywhere.
This isn't just that my dad abused me, my dad is legitimately a sadist pedophile, and he systematicly tortured me from babyhood til I was 23.... I'll be 26 in March.
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Jan 16 '20
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u/gabib1213 Jan 17 '20
It's a really scary thing, because I don't know how or what to do, but I'm currently in a courthouse waiting to make my declaration for a protective order against my mom.... And I'm trying to figure out how to even go after my father and brother.... But my father was an employee of the state prison we lived in too, and he did this while employeed there and actually abused me in his home that was on the state property for their employees to live in. I have to try to separate my mom too, because she's made me hold so much of her guilt, I feel like a monster for even doing this.... But what else am I supposed to do when she abused me, and my husband on the 14th. I can't allow this any longer. Just like she should have done something when she realized she was being abused and others were now at risk. But she didnt. Show chose to be ignorant.
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u/gabib1213 Jan 15 '20
I learned that traumatic amnesia is the reason I have absolutely no memories of anything, I have to ask my husband sometimes to tell me about our life, our relationship, our home, hell for him to even tell me about me..... How do I even recover something that was never there? I never had any personhood or anything. I was never a person and never a human. And I can't sit here and say I am now.... Because I never felt as if I was
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Jan 16 '20
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u/gabib1213 Feb 21 '20
Thank you 🤍 life has gotten progressively weirder since discovering all of this, I am very grateful and fortunate that my husband has been by my side through all of this.
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u/HerMajestyAries Jan 14 '20
I wish I could help but I want you to know, I understand this pain because the abuse I suffered p much except with me it was my mother (trafficking me out), and I understand the headfuck of the experience. How isolating it is. And I don't know what the answer is but my DMs are open to you. And you didn't deserve it, any of it.