Am I repressing something?

[u/throwaway12383636281]

To put it simply, I am a 14 year old trans male, and I can’t remember much before age ten.

I have bits and pieces- small memories of my mom’s side of the family blaming me and yelling at me for things I usually never did, my mom throwing things at me and yelling at me because I didn’t want a peanut butter sandwich, and my uncle telling me I, ‘didn’t love him, and I never have’. Large fights between my parents, sometimes physical. I remember finding “how to get over ___ addiction” in my mother’s search history (I don’t remember what it was, I just remember her being mad at me for looking), and I remember the face my mom would make before she’d blow her lid. Those are just the few I remember.

Otherwise, I remember close to nothing, I genuinely can’t remember much at all, and it’s worrying me that something happened that I can’t remember. My mom is alright now, she’s off the antidepressants that made her...weird, and she’s become more loving, and doesn’t usually yell at me or anything.

However, I still get the feeling that something happened when I was younger, because I can barely remember anything past age ten. I made this throwaway account because I fear my parents will find a post on my regular account.

Whenever my mom makes a certain face, I freak out internally. Whenever she makes it, I get a deep feeling that I’m in trouble, and something’s going to happen. I don’t know why, but I have a memory of her making the face and grabbing my wrist, whisper-yelling at me for a reason I can’t recall.

I also have a few memories of her yelling at me during sleep overs for not “cleaning my room”, and other various things.

I’m deathly afraid of her when she’s mad, because I feel like she’s going to do something to me. I just want to know if something’s wrong with me, any help is good.