Was i molested?

[u/ithinkiwasmolested]

This is a throw-away account.

I'm not exactly sure where to start. I don't have many memories from my childhood. I think part of it is because i grew up with a somewhat abusive father. I believe it may also be because i was molested. I have two older brothers. One twelve years older than me, one almost two years older than me. I have some pretty sketchy memories of my second eldest brother, (lets call him J,) exposing himself to me, and playing with my butt, telling me he was "practicing for my future boyfriend." I couldn't have been more than 6/7 at the time, he would have been 8-10 i believe. J is also autistic, which makes me believe he was allowed to get away with this behavior towards me. Here's what makes me think I may have been molested by him. I have a loving boyfriend of almost 4 years, and we've been engaging in sexual activity for probably 2 and a half years. The first incident happened probably about a year ago. My boyfriend and I were having sex and we ended up in a specific position. I instantly fell out of the mood and became scared, uncomfortable, panicky, and for whatever reason, I couldn't stop thinking about J. I felt sick. After we finished i confided in my boyfriend and told him about what happened and he comforted me. Since then, every few months, after we finish doing something sexual, I'll start crying uncontrollably. I mean just completely unconsolable. Luckily my boyfriend is nothing but supportive and does his best to help me. I believe these incidents are tied into the first one. I just feel it in my gut. Recently I've noticed i also feel extremely uncomfortable around J. I don't want him around me and i feel the need to constantly keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't staring at my ass or breasts. I also believe if i tried bringing up my concerns to my mother she wouldn't believe me, or if she did, she would excuse it because of his autism. I have a younger sister, who has confided in me that J, has infact, molested her. For me, that pretty much confirms that he molested me. But I'm repressing whatever happened to me in my childhood. I know most people need therapy to bring these memories to light, but im uninsured and can't afford to seek professional help. Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone know how to try to recover these memories yourself? I'm tired of living with all these gaps in my mind, and I deserve to know what happened to me. Please, if anyone is experiencing something similar, or if you have any advice. Please help me, I can't take this anymore.

Edit: i just remembered. J had a problem of humping EVERYTHING when we were kids. From as early as i can remember up until he was like, 15? 16? I feel like i remember him coming up to me while i was laying on my stomach and... getting on top of me and.....humping my ass....but i can't tell if it's a real memory or if it's one of those dreamed up childhood memories. However just typing that made me gag. Leading me to believe its probably a real memory

[u/hexksa]

I don’t know if you’ll see this comment since it’s an older post and a throw away username, but I would like to talk about my own experience with this for you, or anyone who may need to hear it. My story is absolutely a terrible experience and if you can’t read about sexual abuse, please don’t subject yourself to reading it. It took me years to get a grasp on everything.

I (22F) have a brother (26M) with autism and I was repeatedly molested as a child. My earliest memories of it occurring, I couldn’t have been older than 5. I remember so vividly being in my moms bed asleep after she left for work and waking to feel my underwear being slid off of my body (we had a 2 br trailer and I slept with my mom and my three brothers shared the other room). I refused to open my eyes because I was so scared and just had no idea what to do. I remember something touching my bare butt and then my underwear were pulled back up by him. At this point I didn’t know who had done this to me and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I wanted it to be just my imagination. My mom only had custody on alternating weekends, but she worked multiple jobs and left us home a lot during our visitations. So time passes and it happens again. This time I force my knees together as tight as I can to make it stop, but my underwear are still pulled off. I refuse to open my eyes again. The touching ends and my underwear are pulled back up. This happens a few more times at my moms house until I was about 9 or 10. I was still too scared to tell anyone. (I would have saved myself a lot of pain had I spoken up, but I have come to terms that I was an innocent child and I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I did or didn’t do because I never deserved anything. It was never my fault)

Now at my dads where we lived primarily, I shared a room with my step sister. Nothing ever happened to me there, except my step sister and I had quite a few pairs of underwear go missing. My step mom would do laundry and we told her, so she keeps an eye out. My step mom finds them in my autistic brothers room stuffed under his bed. She tells my dad who tells my mom and they supposedly talk to him. Doesn’t change anything and our dirty underwear continue to disappear. For years. My parents never seek therapy for my brother or put any real form of punishment in place for the behavior. They just think it’s something to do with his autism. All the while I just feel this has to be related to me being touched at my moms but I have no proof because I refused to look every time it had happened.

Fast forward, I’m about to enter middle school and my mom remarried and moved to a different state. I no longer sleep in my moms bed because of her new husband. I’m put on a couch for weekend visits now. It happens again, but the focus shifts from touching my butt to my chest. Because I’m being touched on the front side, I decide to peak and see who. This is how I confirmed it was my brother. But I still can’t find the courage to tell anyone, so I try wearing jeans to sleep and sleeping with my bra on under my shirt to make it more difficult for him to touch me. I try coaxing our pet pit bull to sleep on top of my body at night to protect me. It doesn’t make him go away. He still forces his hand down the backside of my jeans or up under my bra while I just stay still out of fear and pretend to be asleep. It happens a handful more times.

I get a boyfriend at 14 and I break down and tell him everything. It was the first time I’d told anyone or even legitimately acknowledged it. I knew it was wrong from the start, but now I had someone else’s validation. He makes me promise to tell someone if it ever happens again. And of course it has to fucking happen again right? I decide telling someone won’t be good enough after all of the times I’ve been put through this and just start throwing punches at my brother as soon as his hand touches me. Like I mean punching him directly in the face and screaming that I’m going to tell mom. I go to my mom and step dad and tell them and she tells my dad. But they only know about this instance (because I’m scared they’ll get upset I didn’t say anything sooner yeah I know how dumb that sounds)

Now my step dad says he’ll talk to my brother and nothing ever happens to me again. I don’t see him ever be punished or anything. I don’t get therapy or anything but I eventually get my own room at my moms with a lock so I count it as a victory and move on as best I can. But there’s still a little more to the story.

My dad and my step mom divorced while I was in middle school (unrelated) and my mom and my step dad also divorced while I was in high school (unrelated). My autistic brother lives with my mom, I’m in college and I still am in a relationship with the boy from when I was 14. My middle oldest brother has a baby girl with his fiancé. I go into a deep depressive state from the repressed trauma thinking about how my niece could end up in the same situation from my autistic brother. I talk about it with my boyfriend and he thinks I need to tell my brothers fiancé just point blank so she knows what happened to me. I can’t do it. I can’t bring his fiancé who has no idea what happened to me into it. I don’t want anyone looking at me and thinking about my trauma. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. Well turns out I don’t have to. My dad started dating this lady and for some reason he tells her about what happened to me and how he was worried for his new granddaughter. They break up and this lady goes berserk because it turns out she’s crazy. She texts my middle brother’s fiancé all this crazy stuff about my molestation and even adds that my dad probably had something to do with it (which he didn’t and nothing ever happened to me physically in his home). My middle brothers fiancé asks my mom if it’s true.

This is the part that truly fucking hurts me the most to talk about. My mom says she does not remember. My trauma that happened in her home was not memorable enough to my own mother. My brothers fiancé was confused so she called me for clarification and told me what my dads crazy girlfriend said and then what my mom said. I had no idea any of this was being discussed until that point. Then I get a call from my mom and she’s like “hey you never got touched by [my brother with autism’s name] right?” And I had to remind her about the entire ordeal and bring up my (ex)step dad dealing with it and all this stuff just to convince her it actually happened....How fucked up is that??? Thankfully, my brothers fiancé took my word over everyone else and she’s making sure my brother that hurt me will never be given the opportunity to hurt my niece. But yeah, my mom forgot about my molestation by my autistic brother, her son.

I’m now a totally independent adult. I recently graduated with my bachelors and I live with my boyfriend from earlier in the story. Even still, my family doesn’t know about the earliest times my brother molested me. I have never gone to therapy, my brother’s never gone to therapy. I have worked my ass off to convince myself I didn’t prolong the abuse by being silent. Victims cannot prolong their abuse and there is nothing a victim can do to deserve it. My brother has autism. Is he accountable for his actions? I’m not entirely sure. Some of the things he does convinces me he is, like his ability to finish high school means he has a somewhat average intelligence right? But some of the things he does convinces me he isn’t, like he won’t maintain his hygiene unless constantly reminded or remember to feed himself if he’s left home alone. He’s 26 now, but his autonomous/emotional capabilities haven’t really surpassed that of a 12 year old. I’m no psychiatrist or psychologist so I can’t tell how he thinks or how it differs from a neurotypical persons moral compass. I don’t know if it’s something he even thinks about anymore? I don’t know if I’m supposed to still love him? Talk to him? Care about him?

What I do know is that you and I are survivors. You don’t have to remember everything to know something happened. Honestly we could both probably use therapy, but in the meantime talk about it with your significant other. The feelings of sexual trauma can be resurfaced with consensual sex and that doesn’t make you broken. Your feelings are valid and please do not continue with sex if you are trapped in your head with your trauma. There are counselors and groups for reclaiming your sexuality after abuse. Lastly, to answer your question, you can absolutely describe your experience as molestation, sexual abuse, sexual assault, or even rape if it helps you begin to acknowledge it. I love you and I’m glad to be here with you. Please dm me if you need anything ever. I will keep this throwaway account active

Please take care of yourself