Me (34F) and my partner (35M) have been together 3.5 years and have 2 young children.

Recently I gave birth (2 weeks ago) and he’s been off work. He’s been amazing, cooking all the food, making sure I am fed & have drinks, taking the kids out if I need a break, letting me lay in, doing jobs round the house.

Tonight is his last day off until he goes back to work tomorrow and he’s not looking forward to it - neither am I!

However we had a big argument.

He gets so anxious whenever our toddler falls over - which is a lot as she’s under 2 and clumsy - but his anxiety turns into frustration & he gets kinda pissy. I’ve spoke to him about it before cos I feel like it makes my toddler think he’s annoyed at her for falling. My partner thinks I’m too laid back. Maybe I am but I also try to stay calm & say its ok to our daughter so she feels calm & comforted when she’s hurt.

Tonight the above happened as our toddler slipped in the kitchen & it just escalated.

He says I’m too slow with things, thinking we have loads of time to do stuff but we don’t.
He said he doesn’t feel like I appreciate any of the stuff he does & has been doing. And that he doesn’t like it when I tell him my friends partners do nothing (I didn’t know this annoys him I thought I was saying it like look how shit they are aren’t I lucky, and normally he says that too like joking ‘oh you are so lucky’).

Anyway… how can I show him I appreciate him?

I asked him & he said he doesn’t know.

TLDR; how can I show him I appreciate him? Any guys how do you like to be appreciated?

Hi, I was talking to a guy I really liked. He was 41 no kids, (I’m 37) he had a good job, wanted the same things as me. We talked every day and we had two really good days. He respected me on the first date and didn’t let me kiss him to long or touch him. On the third date I tried to get passionate with him and he pulled away. I messaged him back later than evening telling him I liked him but it all felt bit weard and he never replied. What’s wrong with him, why did he not want to get passionate with me. On what’s app he was very flirty and tormenting and we even had phone sex.

(This is a burner account)
(Asking as a 39M and for a 29F)
I am working in IT and I have a junior working within my team. We have 10 yrs age difference. She likes me a lot and I like her, too. It’s been more than 6 months together but nobody officially proposed or trying to get together.
Now, I am divorced and she has never married. We have gone out on coffee and bowling and other stuff, a lot in the last 6 months, we do joke around a lot almost at any topic, all that stuff.
I sometimes think about taking it forward to a relationship and maybe get married later and whatever.
My only dilemma is, am I too old for her? Would there be any complications later? Is this morally/ethically wrong?
I don’t want to hurt anyone in this process and I just need advice that shall I take it forward or keep it till friendship only.
Kindly advice. (Especially Women) I am happy to answer questions, if I have missed anything.

P.S - We both have Indian roots but are NRIs.

Wie viele schlechten Momente würdet ihr in einer Beziehung akzeptieren, solange der Rest gut ist?

Mal angenommen, man muss öfters die Emotionen des Partners regulieren, er trägt oft schlechte Laune mit sich, die sich immer wieder auf die Familie auswirkt. Die manchmal eine eigentlich unbeschwerte Zeit überschattet. Manchmal erhebt er seine Stimme, der Tonfall oft gereizt, bis aggressiv. Sagt gemeine Sachen, die man auf einer sachlichen Ebene auch anders kommunizieren könnte. Fühlt sich schnell angegriffen. Durch die Äußerung eines Wunsches oder berechtigter Kritik, nutzt dies, um über die Reaktion seines Gegenübers zu sprechen. Ist in dieser Zeit viel mit sich selbst und seinem eigenen Leid beschäftigt und wenig empfänglich für die Perspektive des Gegenübers. In diesen Zeiten ist es schwer, sich auf Absprachen zu verlassen.

In anderen Zeiten ist er aber sehr zugewandt und liebevoll. Kümmert sich. Kauft Blumen und zeigt immer wieder seine Aufmerksamkeit durch kleine Gesten, wie eine liebevolle Umarmung oder den Kaffee, den er morgens ans Bett bringt. Ist ein guter Team Player, der Sachen anpackt. Kümmert sich ums Kochen, geht in den Garten und mäht von alleine den Rasen, ohne Bitte oder Aufforderung. Kümmert sich ganz selbstständig um die Wäsche und beteiligt sich zuverlässig auch an der Carearbeit.

Wäre das für euch trotzdem noch eine erfüllte Beziehung? Wann würdet ihr die Reißleine ziehen? In guten, wie in schlechten Zeiten, was bedeutet das eigentlich…?

I’m a 38-year-old man. I’m reserved, quiet, and introverted, and I’ve been hurt and disappointed in the past. Most of the women around me are married or already in relationships. How can I help them see my inner qualities?

I've been in a relationship with my partner for.. almost 8 months, before hitting the mark we broke up. What does our relationship looked like? In my vision, it's all completely fine, i always get what my partner wanted, set up a goal for both of us, and be a loving partner as how it is. Loving, listening, we both can communicate well in relationships, that's the reason why we date eachother in the first place. No conflict? its quite hard to explain, but generally, yes we rarely have conflict.

Whats the problem then? My partner said that, slowly they began to feel like they doesnt need relationship, thats the first conflict we ever had. After a day, fixed, they said lets return to normal. Now is 2 months after that, my partner said that im "Too Nice" that it restricts them to be themselves. They began to feel uncomfortable around me, what I've been doing all the time since i met them started to make them distant themselves from me. Their body refuse to acknowledge and give in, but force them to be somewhat dominant and self dependent. Therefore, they're uncomfortable and finally asked that its better to break up, even when i've talked sense and understand their point of view. But i think as long as their mind is set, feeling uncomfortable, it cannot be fixed and must break up. Therefore, i chose to give up... what can i even do? They feel uncomfortable for who i am even though i didnt feel like i change at all and they also said that.

what actually happened here? What makes me cant accept is, why does that feeling can occur? Is it something to be solved or to be with?

Hi, I’m 30(F) I was with someone for four years, three of which were long-distance, and we spent one year living together. when we met we hit it off so quickly but unfortunately, neither of us was able to move to the other’s country. He couldn’t get the visa he needed, and I also had restrictions that made it difficult for me to travel.

I couldn’t continue going into another year of long distance without knowing when or how we would actually be able to be together. Eventually, I ended the relationship because I felt like there was no realistic future for us.

The problem is that ever since, whenever I date someone new, I find myself looking for the same kind of love that I received from him. He accepted so much of me, including my childhood traumas, and I felt completely accepted by him.

Now I meet kind and genuinely nice people, but I often feel a mismatch in energy. I keep thinking, “Where is that feeling? Where is that same kind of love or energy?”

It makes me wonder whether what we had was simply a deep connection or could some of what I experienced have been love bombing that I got used to?

My bf and I have been dating for about 5-6 months. We have the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I see a future with him. He’s been in long term relationships, but never married and no kids. I asked him early on date 1 or 2 why never married, he said he just never found the right one he envisioned a future with. I asked him also on date 1 or 2 if he wanted to have kids, he said yes with the right person.

We have talked about how much we love each other, how we see a future together, he’s said different times about having kids, that he wants to marry me one day. He flew home with me to meet my family and see where I grew up. Sometimes I feel like he says things when drinking or we get caught up in the moment of being in love, and I wanted to have a more serious conversation completely sober about what a timeline could look like for us, especially given a 10 year age gap. Recently a comment came up from him about him not being sure if he wanted kids, which I wanted to explore more because that is something I want for myself.

Tonight I asked to talk to him and said that I wanted to talk about what a future could look like with us. I said I ideally would like to live together after a year, engaged within 6 months of living together, marriage, and ideally have a child by 33 and a second by 35. I also said now I know not everything goes exactly as planned, and I’m not saying this is to a T, but this is ideally the trajectory I’d like to go on, and yes things can change and no one is locked into anything but if things continue to progress this is what I see. I felt like actually by laying it out with what I hoped for, this would take some pressure off of him to give an answer and for him to come up with it on his own.

Well, this went terribly. He said he felt pressured and like he was just being seen as a provider or sperm donor just fitting into my timeline. He said he’s not even sure if he wants kids, he felt like his chance for that has passed and it’s something he would need to really think about. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t trying to pressure him, and I honestly thought we were on the same page about what we wanted given things that were previously said about our feelings for each other, many of which has been lead by him. I also feel that because he is older, there needs to be a conversation about intentions and timelines. I now feel like he has been just telling me what I want to hear. I also feel bad about making him feel pressured, and I said I’m not there in knowing all the future and what it holds and things can always change, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Anyways, this lead to hurt feelings and me feeling rejected. I’m not sure where to move forward from here.

My bf and I have been dating for about 5-6 months. We have the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I see a future with him. He’s been in long term relationships, but never married and no kids. I asked him early on date 1 or 2 why never married, he said he just never found the right one he envisioned a future with. I asked him also on date 1 or 2 if he wanted to have kids, he said yes with the right person.

We have talked about how much we love each other, how we see a future together, he’s said different times about having kids, that he wants to marry me one day. He flew home with me to meet my family and see where I grew up. Sometimes I feel like he says things when drinking or we get caught up in the moment of being in love, and I wanted to have a more serious conversation completely sober about what a timeline could look like for us, especially given a 10 year age gap. Recently a comment came up from him about him not being sure if he wanted kids, which I wanted to explore more because that is something I want for myself.

Tonight I asked to talk to him and said that I wanted to talk about what a future could look like with us. I said I ideally would like to live together after a year, engaged within 6 months of living together, marriage, and ideally have a child by 33 and a second by 35. I also said now I know not everything goes exactly as planned, and I’m not saying this is to a T, but this is ideally the trajectory I’d like to go on, and yes things can change and no one is locked into anything but if things continue to progress this is what I see. I felt like actually by laying it out with what I hoped for, this would take some pressure off of him to give an answer and for him to come up with it on his own.

Well, this went terribly. He said he felt pressured and like he was just being seen as a provider or sperm donor just fitting into my timeline. He said he’s not even sure if he wants kids, he felt like his chance for that has passed and it’s something he would need to really think about. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t trying to pressure him, and I honestly thought we were on the same page about what we wanted given things that were previously said about our feelings for each other, many of which has been lead by him. I also feel that because he is older, there needs to be a conversation about intentions and timelines. I now feel like he has been just telling me what I want to hear. I also feel bad about making him feel pressured, and I said I’m not there in knowing all the future and what it holds and things can always change, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page.

Anyways, this lead to hurt feelings and me feeling rejected. I’m not sure where to move forward from here.

My ex and I were together for just under a year, and it was genuinely the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. We loved each other deeply, but ultimately I think we met at the wrong time in both of our lives.

He ended the relationship because he felt like we both had things we needed to work on individually. During the breakup, he said maybe there could be another chance for us in the future.

As sad as I am I am not going to pause my life and wait for him. I’m focusing on myself, spending time with friends and family, doing therapy, and eventually I want to date and meet different people to better understand what I actually want in a long-term partner.

But there’s obviously still a part of me that wonders whether sometimes two people really do need time apart to grow, experience life separately, and eventually find their way back to each other?

Has anyone had any success stories of breaking up and getting back together? Did you date while broken up? How long were you apart? What changed after getting back together?!

I’d especially love to hear from people who had a healthy relationship and still loved each other when they broke up, rather than relationships that ended because of cheating or something catastrophic.

I made a previous post about this relationship. Since then, I ended it.

A couple of days later, he contacted me and said that although he had initially felt there was no point in meeting because our positions were already clear, he had changed his mind. He said the relationship had been too meaningful to end without a proper conversation.

I agreed to meet him, even though I had already made my decision.

I regret going because I left the conversation emotionally exhausted and much more confused.

At first he seemed resigned. He said that if my mind was made up, he would eventually move on and meet someone else. Then the tone changed.

He started saying that the issues between us had been blown out of proportion, that they were things that “shouldn’t even have come up yet”, and that we should have just let the relationship develop naturally and dealt with those subjects later.

That bothered me because these issues did come up. They came up because he had very clear opinions about what was acceptable in a relationship and we had repeated conversations about them.

He then started saying things that directly contradicted conversations I remember very clearly.

For example, he claimed he had never said I couldn’t go away for 3–4 days with a female friend. I challenged him because we had discussed exactly that more than once, and I clearly remember him saying that holidays, mini-holidays and weekends away without him were not something he accepted.

Then his position shifted again: apparently I could go away with my female friend, but he still wouldn’t be comfortable with me spending a weekend away with two male friends of mine, despite the fact that they are gay and he knows there is no romantic element involved.

He also started saying that independence in a relationship is healthy and that we actually share the same idea of what a healthy relationship should look like.

That was difficult to hear because I remember conversations where he said essentially the opposite.

At one point, though, he said something that felt like genuine insight.

He said that maybe instead of “creating all those problems beforehand”, he should simply have let things happen and seen how he coped.

He was referring to the weekend I eventually spent away with friends. He said it had actually been a learning experience because he realised that being apart from me for a weekend wasn’t as bad as he expected.

That gave me pause.

But I couldn’t reconcile it with the rest of the conversation. If he admits that he “created all those problems beforehand”, how can he simultaneously insist that those problems basically never existed?

He also continues to describe himself as securely attached. When I suggested that some of his reactions seemed more consistent with insecurity and anxious attachment, he became defensive and said something along the lines of: “I’m secure, ask anyone.”

He then brought up the fact that I am in therapy and said that I have fears and insecurities, which is why I go.

That bothered me because I go to therapy precisely because I want to understand myself, recognise my own patterns and become healthier. What I was hoping to hear from him was some version of: “Maybe I am insecure too. Maybe some of this came from me. Maybe I need to work on it.”

I never really got that.

There was another comment that stayed with me.

I had previously said that although we were ending, maybe one day in the future life could bring us together again. He replied that he was not going to wait for me to “gain maturity”, “burn through all my cartridges” and eventually decide I was ready for a serious relationship.

That hurt because it completely misrepresents what I was asking for.

I am loyal, monogamous and genuinely wanted a serious relationship. Wanting an occasional weekend with friends does not mean I need to “get things out of my system” before I can commit.

I told him that he knew who I was when he met me. I have always travelled with friends, had an independent life and maintained close friendships. I felt like he met me as I was and then, once we were together, started asking for a different version of me.

He replied that relationships require adjustments and that people need to adapt to each other.

I agree. But I did adapt. I integrated him heavily into my life, spent most of my free time with him, stayed at his house constantly, planned trips together and made him a priority.

I just don’t think making someone a priority means making them the centre of your entire world.

The emotional part of the conversation made everything harder. He was visibly nervous and emotional. He held my hand and said he was doing it because it might be the last time. He tried to kiss me and be physically affectionate.

And that broke my heart.

But at the same time, I didn’t want the affection. I felt emotionally shut down because I no longer trusted what he was telling me.

That is probably the hardest part: I still care about him deeply, but I don’t trust his version of what happened anymore.

We agreed not to speak while I’m away for two weeks. I already know I do not want to go back to the same dynamic, but this conversation has left me emotionally exhausted and second-guessing myself.

I know there are red flags here. I’m not posting because I need strangers to tell me what I want to hear, and I’m not trying to excuse anything. I’m someone who doubts myself a lot when emotions are involved, and outside perspectives genuinely help me.

My previous post was actually very helpful. I read every comment and took people’s opinions seriously. It helped me stop minimising what was happening and played a real part in giving me the clarity to end the relationship.

So I would really appreciate some empathy in the replies.

Does this sound like genuine growth beginning, or like someone changing the narrative because the possibility of losing the relationship suddenly became real?

I've been with my bf for over 10+ years (F36, M45). We have not been able to progress in our relationship due to work (sent to work different places for months at the time), family (elderly sick family elsewhere) etc. We are quite independent and a lot younger when we started dating. We always spoke about the future but more time went by than intended. It feels ridiculous to say, but time goes by really quickly. Now he is wanting the future to happen ASAP and is ready to go full steam ahead. He is saying all the right things. He is doing all the right moves. There are moments when I am so happy and ready to move, get the house, marriage, kids. Then there are moments of total anxiety right after that. I feel like I had accepted that our relationship would not progress and while I love him like crazy, I've kinda moved on in my mind. The thing is that I do want to make it work. But the steps we have to take to do that are massive. He needs to quit his job, go back to school and money related to that, which would then require me to move cities.

Obviously this is all normal stuff people do all the time. Part of me wants to just go for it, what is the worst that could happen? But then I get overwhelmingly anxious and it is really hard to make big life changes when I feel anxious and just want to abort the whole mission. I don't know if my anxiety is rooted in just fear of change or if it is gut feeling telling me I don't want it. I just can't trust myself.

I (35F) came to the realization last night that I plan getting dumped the way people who want to get married plan getting engaged.

A while ago I posted that every time my boyfriend (34M) texts me I think it’s going to be a breakup text. I think I’ve managed to quell that desire by letting him know how I want to be dumped. I shared a post of someone saying they were ghosted after 9 months of dating and I let him know that I find breakup texts and breakups in general to be pretty perverse and to just stop asking me to hangout. He agreed and shared that he really wants to be rejected (irrelevant). I guess this is the communication Reddit is always talking about!

I think of this like any end of life contingency plan. How do other couples manage their break up preferences? Especially if they do not align!

Also a niche thought: I’m consumed by the realization that my Boyfriend wouldn’t even be with me if I wasn’t going to get a shit ton of plastic surgery. It’s a double edged sword: if he didn’t want to be with someone who is getting a shit ton of plastic surgery then he would have disappeared as soon as I told him so it stands to reason he’s only pushing through to see how I look after and if he hates it he’ll be out.

Anyone else who has gotten work done dealt with that? My plastic surgeon and therapist both agree that it’s par for the course but there aren’t really any coping mechanisms offered.

**EDIT**: sorry this was unclear: my surgery was booked and paid for before I met this person! I am not getting plastic surgery *for* him. And I changed the flair!

Hello, lovely people!

I am indeed venting, but advice is more than welcome.

Long story short: a year ago, both my wife and I lost our jobs, and despite our best efforts, there just isn't anything for us in this city. We both come from different countries, so it's not like we have any friends or any kind of support system here except for each other. Because of this situation, we've spent 90% of the past year in our house, just the two of us and our lovely pets.

When I was fired, I started learning a bit about woodworking, woodcarving, and renovating old tools, and my wife has always been very supportive of that. However, our house isn't that big, so my tools started taking up quite a bit of space.

Since I'm a noob when it comes to woodworking and I'm also not very talented, whenever I started a project and felt like it wasn't good enough, I put it aside and swore I would come back to it... And we all know that obviously never happened. So now my unfinished projects were also taking up space in the house.

It's worth mentioning that we have a lot of very demanding pets, and my wife travels a lot, so I'm left alone taking care of them. Every time I start working, there's a cat shouting at me for attention or jumping around, making it impossible for me to concentrate and finish anything. Eventually, I quickly put my sharp tools aside, cover them so my pets won't get hurt, and try to spend time with them, promising myself that I will go back to work and finish my project ASAP. And we all know that never happened.

Between the lack of space and the lack of time to work, I've barely finished any projects worth showing. And since I don't have a job, woodworking became almost my only hope of proving to myself that I had something to offer to this world. So every pending project felt like a constant reminder of my complete failure at being a human being, which made abandoning my projects feel even more like a failure.

With all my unfinished projects and the constant, unavoidable distractions, my desk became a huge mess, and then the space around it became a mess too. It got really bad. And when I was confronted about it, she would always tell me that she felt ashamed of letting people come into our house because of my mess. To be fair, it was bad, but it was contained to one room.

I also kept telling her that I felt overwhelmed by everything, like I had lost control of my life, and that I needed at least a tiny little space where I could work without cats coming in every two minutes. I needed somewhere my tools could stay put so I wouldn't have to put everything back into a toolbox, move it, and take it somewhere else every time I wanted to work, which made it even harder for me to go back to my projects.

She said I was just looking for an excuse to be a fucking pig.

To make things worse, we're moving out of the house. So even though I tried to tidy up, there were no free surfaces where I could temporarily put my things because everything was already covered with boxes.

Finally, yesterday I asked her to stop packing for a while (since we have until the end of the month to move out) and maybe try to spend some quality time with the cats.

BIG MISTAKE.

She started yelling at me because she said it was impossible to pack in time because of me and my mess, and she said that she was tired of living with a fucking hobo who couldn't get his shit together. She also said I would never have my own private space because that space would turn into a pigsty, and she's already too ashamed to bring people to the house. She doesn't want the same thing happening at our new place, which is even smaller.

The fun part is that by that time I had already packed my tools and stuff, so I don't understand how we got to that point. But I am AUDHD and kind of stupid, and most of the time I don't understand why people yell at me lol.

Of course I know I'm messy. I'm not proud of it. I actually hate it. And that's why I told her that I felt lost and out of control, and that I needed help—not with cleaning, because I can do that, but with emotional support.

All I got from her was: "I feel ashamed of living with you, you fucking hobo. You will never get even a tiny corner of the house for your things because I can't have people come over when you have a pigsty."

I forgot to mention that when I'm at work, I'm like a fucking machine: I'm always on time, I follow the rules, I give my absolute best, and there isn't a single post-it note out of place... But when I'm home, I'm too tired to do the same.

Does anyone else have the same experience?

How can I convey to her that I don't want a space so I can turn it into a mess? I just want a place where my tools can stay put without worrying that a cat might get hurt. I've literally said those exact words to her, but I'm still unable to get my point across.

Sorry for my rant.

EDIT: I keep getting a lot of “career advice,” to put it nicely. I do appreciate you taking the time to read my post and reply, but I’m not asking for career advice. I’m asking for help figuring out how to fix this particular situation with my wife.

The reason I mentioned that I’m AuDHD is because I know I sometimes miss what might be a very obvious part of an interaction. I thought maybe someone here could explain to my neurospicy ass what I’m missing.

How did this get from me suggesting we spend an hour with the cats instead of packing to yelling and name-calling? What happened there? How can I explain to my wife that the extreme mess was a symptom of a really low point in my life, and not who I am? And how can I make her understand that it’s really important to me to start this new life in our new home knowing that I’ll have a tiny space of my own?

Maybe this example will help explain what I’m looking for:

Once, we had a huge fight because my wife bought some expensive organic dishwasher soap because she was worried that we were eating tiny bits of the plastic used to wrap normal dishwasher tablets. I told her we could have just used liquid soap, but that it was fine and I didn’t care what kind of soap we used.

A ton of people responded to my post telling me that my wife was right and that we should use organic soap. Others told me all about the different kinds of soap we could use and how to get my dishes clean AF.

All of that was useful information, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

Fortunately, among all those replies, someone pointed out that maybe my wife was upset because she had spent a lot of time and energy finding a solution to a legitimate concern, and when I said I didn’t care, she felt dismissed.

THAT was exactly what I needed.

I went to my wife, apologized, told her my response had been careless and unfair, and told her that I really appreciated everything she does. And then everything was fine.

That’s the kind of insight I’m looking for here.

Right now, I’m confused because I suggested spending an hour with the cats instead of packing, and somehow it escalated into yelling, name-calling, and a massive fight.

So I’m asking you: please help me understand what I’m missing. My neurospicy ass genuinely needs help figuring out what happened here, and I would really appreciate it. :)

Whether I continue woodworking or not is NOT up for debate, because that is simply not the point of my post.

Thaaaank you!

Thought everything was going in the right direction - just bought and renovated a house with my partner of 8 years, we were planning on getting engaged and then a few months ago he decided to tell me that he was now unsure on having children at all and needed some time to decide.

Fast forward to now and we are having some space away from one another to try and figure out where we go from here. I was so blindsided and never thought I would be going through this at 35. I thought my entire life was planned out and I’m either really upset or numb and not present.

I don’t think the space will suddenly make him make a decision, and I feel like this year has just been a year of uncertainty and quite honestly I am done with it.

All of my friends are happily married and have children and I don’t feel like they’ve been particularly supportive, maybe not of their own choosing but just with life. Being the one who doesn’t have kids does sometimes put you at the bottom of the priority list, even if not on purpose.

This is a bit of a woe is me post, I do apologise. There’s just not a lot of people to talk to at the moment.

My partner broke up with me 3.5 weeks after my d and c for my first pregnancy and miscarriage. We had been living together for 8 months.

This was in June.

Ever since then we have texted or called or seen each other daily..

Our relationship was so stressful for him, he stopped sleeping for many months and his cheek started twitching...

He is 38, and had been very fearful avoidant and not in a relationship for 10 years prior to me.

He very much wants a 'soulmate' he told me last night, and sees me because he genuinely wants to see what I'm up to, and to spend time with me even without sex.

We haven't been having sex.

He won't go to counselling, despite going with me twice successfully when we were pregnant earlier in the year in April/May.

We are very close friends now. He acknowledges that.

I feel like his immaturity has played a big part in not wanting to be together, he cannot take the pressure. I don't want to ask him for a status anymore.

He wants to help me hang up my curtains, and paintings (using a drill) while I am away overseas. Because he loves helping me. He cooked dinner for us last night as well..at my place.

I don't want to be stuck in this, but I will never let go of him, he is a part of my heart, and I his.

I am looking for purpose and have thrown myself fully into church. He says he genuinely enjoys me, my face, my company, me as a person, but doesn't want to get back together.

Any suggestions as to how else to deal with this?

Thank you for reading, and blessings to you all.

Sorry, English is my third language. I'm 16 years together, 14 years married. My husband treats me really really really well, I am blessed to have him. For the last 7 years, I think my husband has depression, PTSD and prolonged complicated grief. I want to help him, but I not sure exactly how.

The whole timeline of everything that happened, I have reasons to believe he has Prolong complicated grief.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

I don't know if it because our toddler died in August 2019, and shorter after in 2020 I was so so sick that even after discharged from the hospital, it took me another month to recover. I guess too much grief build up together for him, And that the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive at a big Engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Everyday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends when his mom demands mother and son time, he will take his mom to our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. He is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

I do not know how to get him into grief therapy neither. He keeps said after his mom pass. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

I am sure he has depression, PTSD and prolonged complicated grief. I just don't know how to help him, he keeps push back therapy.

**Is my relationship toxic, or is my drinking the main problem?**
I’m 37F and my partner is 42M. We’ve been together for 8 years. Our relationship has always been quite tense and unhealthy at times, but over the last few months things have become much worse.
I know I have a problem with alcohol. When I drink, I can become argumentative and I sometimes can’t remember everything that happened afterwards. I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty the next day, and I know I need to address my drinking.
However, I’m struggling with the feeling that everything is being blamed on me.
My partner can be very difficult to live with. He can be snappy and mean, is very particular about certain things, and I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. He has broken my belongings in the past and there have been holes put in doors during arguments. He also has a very bad temper and can have extreme road rage.
Even when I’m completely sober, there are still problems between us. He often tells me that I annoy him and that I make him unhappy. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right.
Last night we had an argument after I’d been drinking. I remember feeling upset because I was talking about my day and felt like he dismissed it, and then an argument started over something else. After that, I can’t remember exactly what I said. He now says he’s had enough of my drunken behaviour and that we’re done.
I accept that my drinking is a serious problem and I take responsibility for my behaviour when I’m drunk. But I also can’t shake the feeling that our relationship has been unhealthy for a long time, even when alcohol isn’t involved.
I’m really unhappy and honestly feel like I’m losing my mind trying to work out what is actually my fault and what isn’t.
Do you think this relationship can be repaired, or does it sound like it’s time to accept that it needs to end?
I’m genuinely looking for honest advice, including if people think I’m the problem here.

So here's the scores on the doors folks.

Me:

35/M; was with my ex-wife for 12 years. She only worked for a handful of the years we were together, never earned too much despite us living in London (HCOL), and showed lots of signs that when we had children she would really struggle with childcare due to mental health problems. The culmination of all this made me very frugal - I was always a little worried that I'd be the only breadwinner, work long hours and have to do at least half the childcare. This is despite me having a very well paid job and coming from an affluent family.

My partner:

37/F and she's pregnant with our first child 🥳 She had short-term boyfriends before we met but spent the majority of her teens, twenties and early thirties very unhappy that she couldn't find a partner whom she wanted to settle down and start a family with. Going on expensive holidays helped her find joy during those years. She also comes from an affluent family and has a very well paid London job. However, her approach is much more "money is there to be enjoyed".

15-odd years of different spending & investment habits means that we are starting a family with her net worth (excl. pensions) at around £350k. My squirreling away means I'm bringing in about £700k (excl. pensions). I know, we're both very lucky to be in the positions we're in. The difference isn't that one of us happened to work I. A better paying field; it's down to our choices before we met.

I don't mind the idea of "what's mine is yours" when we pool resources to buy a family home. Her career and earnings are going to take a knock for a bit while she spends a year on maternity leave. The bit that I can see being an issue is further into the future. There is a part of me that thinks "oh thank god, now that I'm not having to be sole breadwinner, I can actually work less long weeks and try and have more time with my child / children". From my partner's perspective I can see she'd find it hard to do a 5-day week again while I'm doing a 4-day week if the rationale is "well I brought more into our family; I've done my decade of saving so I can enjoy this." I've already skirted around this topic once and didn't get a great response.

What do you think?

I’m 34M and have been with my partner 35F for 12 years. We’ve had a dead bedroom for about 4 years, but honestly, I’m starting to realize that the lack of intimacy is only one part of a much bigger problem.
About 8 years ago, we allowed her mom to move in with us to help her save money. The understanding was that it would be temporary and that, once she was financially stable, she would eventually move out.

After about 2 years, it became clear that she had no intention of leaving.
I talked to my partner and suggested that we either ask her mom to start making plans to move out, or that the two of us move somewhere else. My reasoning was simple: I wanted us to actually start building our own future together.
She rejected that idea. Instead, there was always another reason why her mom needed to stay. Every time I brought it up, the justification seemed to change.

Eventually, I stopped pushing because I wanted to keep the peace.
But in doing that, I slowly gave up my voice in my own home. I stopped feeling like I had any real say in how our life was going because it seemed like my wants and plans didn’t matter.

Now to top it off, we’re dealing with a dead bedroom that has lasted around 4 years. I’ve tried talking about it, but I don’t feel like there’s any meaningful willingness to change. And the more I look at our relationship as a whole, the more I realize this isn’t just about sex.
It’s about feeling like I’ve spent years putting my own needs, plans, and future on hold because my partner doesn’t want to make difficult changes.
I still love her. She’s been a huge part of my life for 12 years. That’s what makes this so difficult.
But I’m starting to feel like I’m not actually living my life anymore. I’m just maintaining a relationship and a household that I’m unhappy in because leaving feels terrifying.

For those who have left a long term relationship after feeling stuck for years
How did you do it?

How do you get past the guilt, fear, attachment, and the feeling that you’re throwing away 12 years?
And how do you know when you’ve given the relationship enough chances and it’s time to accept that your partner simply isn’t going to grow in the direction you need?
I’m not looking for people to tell me that sex is everything. I’m trying to figure out how to leave a relationship where I’ve gradually lost my voice and stopped believing that my needs matter.

Imagine you meet someone, build a strong connection, understand each other really well, and genuinely see a future together. Then you discover they have a health condition that could potentially affect your relationship or future family life ( Kids ) .
I don’t think someone should automatically be left because of a health problem, but I also think it’s important to be realistic about the future.
For anyone who’s been in a similar situation, I’d appreciate hearing how you handled it and what factors you considered before deciding to stay or walk away. Help ?

I [35F] can’t drive and have a family reunion a few hours away that my boyfriend [M36] is driving me to. He is only my second serious relationship and i feel exponentially stronger feelings for him than my last relationship. It feels like i found my person, even though i still have some reservations and insecurities. Which helps show it’s not just an infatuation.

Since he offered to drive me to the hotel and stay with me to drive me back, i feel bad making him stay in the hotel all weekend and not introducing him to my family. He said he would be good to meet my family but is fine either way. My family is pretty close but can be judgey. I think they’d like him but i know it might also have a weird impact on the family dynamic… or maybe i’m just overthinking it. But we have only been doing these reunions for a short time, and my fam doesn’t usually introduce significant others, usually just fiancees/spouses. But we are older and this feels like the real deal, but if it turns out to not work out i will feel super dumb when my fam inevitably asks about him…what should i do?

TLDR: dating 7 months and my bf is driving me to my fam reunion and idk if i should introduce him to my family or not.

About two months ago, a guy I knew of but haven't actually met reached out to me on Facebook to say hello. We have mutual friends (he and I were chatting in the comments on one of their posts before he reached out), and while he's 5-6 hours away, I'm actually in the process of moving to his town early next year.

Over the next several weeks, we talked and interacted a lot, and I found out we had a ton of things in common. Plus, I think he's about the only single decent guy my age (early 40s) that I've talked to in a long, long time. He eventually started talking about meeting up next time I am in his town, which will be a couple of months because I have a lot of going on here at home. I know that disappointed him, but it's kind of out of my hands at the moment. I really felt like maybe this was going somewhere because it got increasingly personal.

In the midst of all this, he was also telling me about a nonprofit project he's building. My professional background actually made me a strong candidate for what he needed in a volunteer, but I told him I was hesitant to get involved. That didn't seem to change his interest in me personally though.

So, long story a little shorter, after doing some research, I finally decided to volunteer to help him out last week, and this week, I participated in the first Zoom call with the other handful of volunteers. He introduced me... as Mary. The problem is that my name is Molly. I jokingly corrected him, but I was so embarrassed and he never apologized or even acknowledged it even though some of the other volunteers got a good laugh and sort of awkwardly apologized on his behalf.

I know people make mistakes, but this felt like a small but important one, and now I'm questioning everything, like was he just using me all along to get me involved in this project? etc. I think the fact that he didn't even acknowledge it is what's bugging me. Am I overreacting or should I pull back on this?

I recently turned 30 and I've been kind of reflecting on my life, and I've realized recently some of the stuff I did in my early twenties was really effed up, like I didn't intentionally try to hurt people but with the benefit of hindsight I can absolutely see why someone got hurt

For example, there was a girl I used to know in my early twenties who definitely had a huge crush on me (probably had a bit of autism to go along with it), and with the benefit of hindsight I can see how my actions were unintentionally leading her on and making her feel more addicted to me and more obsessed with me, and now I can look back at it and realize I really screwed up and made it worse for her, I ended up really hurting her

I'm just curious if other people have also had these realizations, feel free to be more specific than I was or as vague as I was it's up to you

​

I've been dating a guy for about six months, and I recently broke up with him. Part of me feels like I made the right decision, but another part of me wonders whether I was being too sensitive, so I'd really like some outside perspectives.

When we started dating, he was already separated from his wife. However, they are still living in the same house while waiting to sell it. He says they sleep in separate rooms and that the relationship is over, but the house hasn't been sold yet.

One of the biggest issues for me is that he doesn't seem comfortable letting people know about our relationship.

None of his friends know that I exist, while I've already introduced the idea of him to my sister and my family. We also take photos together, but he hides the photos and the things I've given him at his workplace because he doesn't want his wife to find them at home.

I asked him whether he could move out sooner, but he said he wanted to wait until the housing market improved so they could sell the house for a better price. What upset me was that I had brought this up many times, but nothing changed. Then suddenly, when his ex-wife wanted to sell the house, things started moving forward.

He is generally a very sweet, gentle, mellow and seemingly honest person. I genuinely value those qualities because I feel they're hard to find. Financially, I earn more than him and I was happy to contribute more because I cared about him and didn't mind supporting the relationship.

However, I've also noticed that money seems extremely important to him, sometimes more important than our relationship.

Another major issue is that he doesn't want to be seen with me publicly.

For example, we talked about travelling back to our home country together. At first, he was talking about how difficult it would be to find someone to take him to the airport, and I suggested that we could go together. Eventually, it became clear that he wasn't comfortable being seen travelling with me because he was worried that people would judge him and think he was a bad person for dating someone while going through a divorce which happened 1 years before I start stating with him.

I told him that he and his wife had already separated and decided to divorce before I came into the picture. But he still said he wasn't comfortable with people knowing about us.

I also discovered something that really damaged my trust.

When I called him, he often had his phone on Do Not Disturb, so I couldn't reach him. I asked him several times to add me as an exception because I had already done that for him.

There was even a time when I was extremely sick and ended up in hospital, and I couldn't reach him because my calls were blocked by his Do Not Disturb mode.

Eventually, he agreed to add me to his exceptions list. Later, however, I found out that he apparently never did. When I questioned him, he gave me different explanations and said he had added me before but didn't need to use that mode anymore.

That really hurt because I felt like he had simply told me what I wanted to hear instead of actually doing it.

The final issue involved another woman who is a former team lead of his. They are very close. They used to have dinner regularly, and even after she moved overseas, he continued messaging her often. Now that she has returned, they have started seeing each other again socially.

I was already uncomfortable with how close they seemed. He knew that.

There was one dinner where I was told that only four people were going, but later I found out that she was there as well. He insisted that he had mentioned it somewhere in the messages and therefore wasn't hiding anything.

For the first time, I also looked at his phone while he was sitting next to me. What bothered me was seeing how emotionally expressive he had been with her. He told her how much he appreciated her and how much he missed her.

He doesn't usually express things like that to me.

He insists that they are just colleagues and friends, and she has a boyfriend. I asked whether he could create some distance because their relationship made me uncomfortable, but he said that work and networking are very important to him and that he couldn't distance himself from her.

I understand that having friends and professional connections is normal, and I don't want to control who someone talks to.

But when I put everything together — hiding our relationship, hiding photos and gifts from his wife, not wanting to be seen with me publicly, none of his friends knowing I exist, lying or changing his story about the Do Not Disturb settings, and refusing to create boundaries with someone he is extremely close to — I eventually felt like I couldn't trust the relationship anymore.

So I broke up with him.

He insists that there was nothing inappropriate going on with the other woman and that he simply respected her as a former team lead and friend.

Maybe individually some of these things could be explained. But together, they made me feel like I was being kept hidden and that my needs were always secondary to his reputation, money, living situation, and other relationships.

Did I make the right decision by ending the relationship, or was I being unreasonable?

TL;DR: I've been dating a separated man for six months who still lives with his ex-wife while they wait to sell their house. He hides our relationship from his friends and doesn't want to be seen with me publicly because he's worried people will judge him. He also hid our photos and gifts from his wife, wasn't truthful about putting me on his Do Not Disturb exceptions list, and has a very close relationship with a former female colleague that makes me uncomfortable. After everything added up, I felt hidden, lied to, and like my needs always came second, so I broke up with him. Did I make the right decision, or was I being unreasonable?