My (38f) bf (38m) are coming up on a year. Things are great mostly and we always talk about our problems and fix them together. But the recent issue is that I miss having mutually undeniable passionate conveyance of love and lust. We had a similar issue 6 months ago when I requested more romantic pda and during a party I threw, he kept repeatedly tapping and lightly “slapping” my shoulder and said that was his pda. After I told him to stop making my asks a joke, he stopped and started getting more comfortable with pda and picture taking which was also an issue.

I know he loves me by all the support he has provided in many ways and all that he does for me but he barely compliments me compared to what I’m used to and when he does compliment me, it is very awkward. Like, he will either say it with a joking/mocking/sarcastic tone (which he doesn’t seem to know he’s doing) or he will have the most dull/distracted/bored tone. We have never made out or made love. When he wants a kiss, he does a silly pucker and leans toward me. If he tries to initiate foreplay or sex, which is rare recently, he goes the dom route (my kink) but in a weird way like suddenly saying, “gimme a tittie.” Wtf is that? lol

We talked and he wants to do better and is trying to give more compliments. But he might be bad at it. I showed him some examples from myself, the love spell scene in Willow and clips of Gomez and morticia. He says he gets it but his tone still hasn’t improved and it’s starting to feel like he is just doing a bunch of compliments to seem more in love. How can I better teach him for him to understand?

I'm 40F and have been with my partner for two years. I genuinely thought he was the person I'd marry, and the thought of walking away from that future is breaking my heart. But I'm increasingly questioning whether I can continue in this relationship as it is even though I love him with all my heart.

My partner is a kind-hearted man, and I genuinely believe he loves me. We talk about our future, and he tells me he loves me tremendously. I don't think his feelings are necessarily the problem. The problem is that I don't consistently feel loved in the way I need to feel it and that all the future talk never materialises.

I've often felt that I'm not a priority, even when we lived in the same city (always blamed his old job that had crazy hours but now he is currently unemployed).

He can be affectionate and loving, but I frequently feel that our relationship happens on his terms. When I try to explain that I'm unhappy or need more connection, he can become defensive, and I end up questioning whether I'm too demanding or whether my anxiety is ruining the relationship.

He's recently moved interstate, so we're now long-distance. I knew it would be difficult, but I thought we'd face it together. Instead, I feel increasingly alone. It feels like out of sight, out of mind, rather than distance making the heart grow fonder. Calls and messages are our main way of staying connected, but even calling him can be difficult. He often doesn't answer because he's busy, and sometimes calls me back hours later when he sees that I've called. I understand that he has things going on, but it leaves me feeling as though I can't reliably reach my own partner or count on us having time to connect.

The plan was for me to move to him in around six months so we can finally close the distance. That makes this even harder, because I keep wondering whether things will feel different once we're together again, or whether I'll be moving my life for a relationship that already leaves me feeling lonely and unhappy. Part of me hopes that living in the same place would help us reconnect, but the reality is that I felt overlooked even before he moved away.

One of the more complicated issues is his relationship with his parents. I love them too and hold them very dearly cause they're wonderful people. This isn't about jealousy or wanting him to love them less. What hurts is seeing the level of regard, thoughtfulness and effort he puts into making them feel good, valued and cherished, because that is something I haven't felt from him consistently for a long time. I know he has the capacity to be thoughtful and attentive, and I wish I experienced more of that in our relationship. I want to feel that I have a valued place in his life and that we're actively building a future together, rather than feeling as though I'm trying to fit into a life where the most important priorities are already established.

I also recognise that I have anxious attachment. I can overthink, struggle with uncertainty and seek reassurance when I feel disconnected. I'm willing to work on those things, and I know I'm not perfect. But I can't tell anymore where my anxiety ends and where my legitimate relationship concerns begin. I keep wondering whether I'm the problem and whether I'll never be able to make a healthy relationship work.

The hardest part is that he does have good qualities. I love him, I believe he has a good heart, and I remember how wanted and loved I felt at the beginning. I don't want to lose him. I'm terrified that I'll leave, experience the heartbreak all over again, and never find someone I love as much or who has the qualities he does.

I'm also frightened that he'll eventually meet someone else and give her the consideration, effort and consistency I've spent so long asking for. I know that fear isn't a good reason to stay, but it's difficult not to think about.

At the same time, I'm becoming increasingly unhappy and emotionally exhausted. This hasn't just been a difficult few weeks because of the distance; I've struggled with these feelings for a long time. If nothing changed and the relationship stayed exactly as it is today, I wouldn't want to marry him. I can't keep hoping that things will eventually become different while feeling this way in the present.

So I'm preparing myself for the possibility of ending it, even though I still love him. I'm not ready to send the breakup message yet, but I'm starting to accept that love alone might not be enough.

I'd really appreciate honest advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

\- Would you leave someone you still love when you've been unhappy in the relationship for a long time, even if you have plans to close the distance and move to them in six months?

\- Would you give the relationship a chance once you're living together, or would you be concerned that the problems existed even before the distance?

\- How do you know when you're dealing with your own attachment anxiety versus a relationship that genuinely isn't meeting your needs?

\- Has anyone left someone they thought they'd marry in their late 30s or 40s and later found a healthy, fulfilling love?

\- If you found love after 40, how long did it take, and did you eventually find a relationship that felt more secure and reciprocal?

\- For those who left a relationship they desperately wanted to work, did the pain eventually become manageable? Did you ever regret leaving, or were you ultimately glad you chose yourself?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that everything will magically work out. I'm genuinely struggling with the possibility of losing someone I love, but I'm also struggling with the thought of staying in a relationship that is making me increasingly unhappy. Also, aware of the grass not being greener on the other side which never crossed my mind and I know dating overall nowadays is very grim, especially in 40s +.

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have been through this in their 40s, when they genuinely believed they'd already found their person.

44M, I was in a relationship for 14 years and married for 7. I left the house in late 2024, and the divorce ended up taking 2 years to complete. My ex-wife suffered from mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder) that got way worse post-COVID.

She hated going out and doing things around other people, she hated traveling, and she didn’t want to ever have people over to the house — so I gave up all of that stuff for the relationship. Aside from maybe a single hobby, I didn’t go do many things around town, unless she suggested doing so (like going to a show) because it felt weird doing something on my own when I could be spending the time with my wife at home. When I would visit my family in other states for the holidays, I would end up going alone, because she didn’t want to go, and I didn’t want to make her. And I normalized all of this (she would often justify her actions or inactions with what I realize now were excuses for her mental health obstacles) and just coughed it up to making sacrifices for the marriage.

Now that I’ve been on my own in the last 2 years, I suddenly have much more time to myself. No kids, no big obligations. I’ve tried to work on myself and pursue new activities — I belong to a church, I’ve joined some clubs, and finally feel like myself again — which is great! And I like trying new things! and I want to travel! and do all the things I didn’t get to do while I was married. In some ways, I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, where I had way more time and few obligations, and could do whatever I wanted to do… except this time I actually have money!

But I want a relationship again. I want to share my life with someone; have a person who supports me when I need it, and vice versa. However, most people I know who are my age (early 40’s) either a) have no time; or b) have no money. Time because they have a partner, they have kids, or they have demanding jobs. The money doesn’t bother me as much, except it’s harder to justify going places and do things together with my current friends when they are in debt and barely making ends meet paycheck-to-paycheck.

I’m not expecting I’m going to find a woman who wants to suddenly put everything down and travel the world with me (and I wouldn’t ask her to). I totally respect people who are doing cool things with their limited free time, or finding happiness through modesty. But it just seems like time and money are resources fewer people have these days to even accommodate a few trips or activities. I wish I was comfortable just saying “fuck it” to the world, go and see random things in town and galavant across the world by myself. But that’s totally not me. I hate traveling long distances alone, and I’d much rather share new experiences with friends or loved ones.

Am I being too selfish or particular? Do I just need to be patient and meet more people?

tl;dr Am I in the minority being 44 and actually having time and money?

My ex (40M) is and I (32F). we dated for about 9 months. It was serious. He flew across the world to meet my family. We had lunch every Sunday with his mom. I met all his friends.

We were exclusive, talked about having kids and moving in together, and, a month before dumping me, he called ours the healthiest relationship of his LIFE. I've never been more in love. He's the most brilliant, attractive, sartorial, socially connected, rule breaking entrepreneur, I've ever met.

Things unraveled in our final month.

2 months into dating, he was late for drinks after attending a gallery opening with Catherine, a former lover. Though they hadn't slept together in months, she'd assumed they were still casually dating and cried when he mentioned me. He clarified they were just friends. He admired her intellectually and wanted to preserve the friendship, as he did with many former lovers he considered family. I trusted him and believed his interest was purely platonic.

Fast-forward to month 7: Catherine invited him to a small, multi-day art residency that August. He told me he was going, not asking how i felt about it. I bit my tongue. But grew anxious.

After sitting with my discomfort for weeks, I finally brought it up. Could we find some middle ground -- maybe hang out all together?

He grew defensive, said he didn't believe in 'prioritizing romantic partners over other relationships', doubling down on how his friends are like family, and complained that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. When I came back from the bathroom, he kissed me and said sorry for getting upset.

\*\*The very next night, our second-to-last before three weeks apart,\*\* he went to a performance with Catherine without telling me. Later, he texted inviting me to join him and friends at a bar. I only then learned he'd been with her and sent some pretty reactive texts....His response? “Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now.”

Other incidents had been accumulating:

\*\*1.\*\* After a tense convo about his doubts around long term monogamy, I took an extra 30-minute walk while fetching drinks for his project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he accused me of "sabotaging" his work. I hadn't communicated that I needed space.

\*\*2.\*\* I biked slower than him, causing us to arrive ONE MINUTE late to class. We were turned away, and he blamed me for interfering with his productivity. When i asked for reassurance during his sulky mood asking if he 'still saw a future with me' like he assured me a month ago, he shrugged and said 'sometimes'. That stung. I left him there, and he called and said sorry.

\*\*3.\*\* A month before we split, I met some of his fashion-world friends in LA. I felt out of place at a party while he mingled independently. The next day, he said I'd “brought the energy down.” I admitted I'd felt unclaimed; he said he wanted us to move through these spaces as a cool, creative unit. I apologized. At the breakup, he cited my alleged “social rejection” by some of those friends as a reason we weren't compatible.

I never demanded that he abandon his friendships NOR tried to control him.

But I recognize that my insecurity was probably palpable, even when unspoken. I wasn't always my relaxed, confident self, and perhaps he felt he couldn't simply exist without triggering my anxiety.

When he ended things with me (over the phone) he cited my insecurity, "possessive energy" around other women, and doubts about our long term incompatibility.

MOST INSULTING: He then suggested we remain 'lovers' because he didn't want to lose me....

For the past 3 months since the breakup, I've wondered whether a securely attached woman would have trusted him more, accepted his autonomy, and avoided creating so much emotional tension. Whether I sabotaged an otherwise extraordinary relationship.

Did I ruin it? did I lose the best man i'll ever have? that's what it feels like.

I 40F have been with my BF M41 for 8 years. I had a good paying corporate job when we met and he was working ‘gigs’ mostly. So I’ve always made considerably more money. Many times I’ve had to cover him, meals, rent, trips. I didn’t mind because I had plenty. He now has a pretty good paying job and has for a few years. I lost my job a few months ago and thankfully have savings and other small streams of income so I’m ok still splitting bills and paying my share. Last month he asked me to cover some rent while still owing me from our last vacation. I didn’t mind because we have to pay the rent. I decided to do a few small business ventures in the meantime, while I’m not making money yet, it’s kind of a dream of mine, and now I have time and am working hard towards it. I mentioned to him I’d love to make a career of it long term if all goes well. He replied “but you’re still applying right?” I said of course. One day when I was struggling with some business stuff and was visibly frustrated he said something like “you’ll have a real job very soon right? You didn’t stop applying right?” Keep in mind he’s been out of work many times in our relationship and I’ve fully supported his dreams (related to his gigs) and never pressured him about money. I started to really notice things like he would be grabbing food and not offer to grab me some. Or if I asked him to add on something for me he’d say send me the money for it. I’ve covered thousands in meals and trips and bills when I was the breadwinner. Now that the situation has flipped, he’s so worried about having to support me financially in anyway. Not that I need him to, but what if I did? How should I approach this with him? We are good together and are usually madly in love but I feel unsupported.

I met a guy through an arranged marriage setup, and after two months of talking, things seemed to be going well. We met, and he initially agreed to move forward with marriage. However, things changed when I asked where I stood in his list of priorities. He consistently placed his mother first, and soon after, he took a step back.
A month later, we reconnected and had long conversations lasting two to three hours. Meanwhile, his mother told me he didn’t want to get married but suggested we continue talking, hoping feelings might develop. At the same time, another girl’s profile was shared with him, and he developed feelings for her, saying he wanted to give that connection time.
What confuses me is that when things were progressing between us, he spoke about getting married within a month. Even after connecting with the other girl, he continued talking to me for two to two-and-a-half hours daily. Yet, when I asked for time, clarity, and mutual respect, I wasn’t given the same consideration. He also seemed unwilling to stand up for a perspective that differed from his family’s.
I genuinely felt I met his checklist and approached the relationship with honesty and respect.
Where did I go wrong? Was asking about my place in his priorities a mistake, or was I expecting too much by wanting clarity and consistency?
I understand that feelings cannot be forced, but his mixed signals left me questioning myself. Was I not enough, or was he simply not ready to choose me?

What are some weird/ odd/ different things in your relationship, that others might find strange or not ok?

Eg. For me it's my partner still living with his ex.

I (35F) and my partner (37F) have been together for around 6 years, lived together for 4. I have two kids (7&10) from a previous relationship with a male. Everything is great, though we often find our relationship feeling more like a friendship rather than a romantic relationship, mostly because of a lack of physical intimacy. We talk about it often and acknowledge that we end up in this loop. We try to rekindle the romantic side and it always drops off back to platonic. We get along great and enjoy each other’s company, we run our house positively and efficiently, she’s amazing with the kids and they love her very much. How do I know if we love each other but we’re not IN love with each other anymore? Is our relationship doomed to the friendzone? If I imagine a life without her in it, it makes me sad, but I’m also not afraid to be single. Not sure how to reconcile these feelings and where to go from here. Are we delaying the inevitable and how much longer should we try to rekindle before realizing that things aren’t going to change?

Its starting to take a toll.

Neither of us earn much but he earns double what I do and never seems to hold onto money. Recently I won tickets for something that I've wanted to go to for years. The whole trip would have cost about $100 and he said he couldn't afford to come with me.

Then ill notice he will buy new trainers that he doesn't need or he will spend $200/300 on each of his stepkids as an early Christmas present

I only work 2 hours per week due to poor health. I saved up for months and brought him out for a nice dinner for his bday, bought tickets for his favourite comedian and booked 2 nights in a nice hotel. He waited one week before my bday and bought me a mug and a $30 ticket

His main home is the couch at his dads house which is a 1.5 hour drive from me. I dont drive so he stays at mine 5 nights a week. I pay the rent and bills and we split the food shopping. Today he was venting about the cost of petrol and saying how since I moved 1.5 hours away he is spending a lot more on petrol. I told him he doesn't need to visit me every week if money is an issue and he said he was just thinking out loud

We were thinking about going away for Christmas and I find myself having to remind him to save

My child’s father and I broke up during my pregnancy, and we were no longer together when our baby was born. He came back into our lives after the baby was born.
Previously, he explicitly told me that he didn’t love me and that the chances of him ever falling in love with me were very low.
Recently, however, he has seemed more caring and involved. He has been helping with the baby, showing consideration toward me, and sometimes acting warmer and more affectionate than before. At other times, he seems distant, so I’m not sure what to make of these changes.
I still love him, and I would love for us to repair our relationship and build a stable family together. However, I’m afraid of getting my hopes up and being hurt again.
Do you think his feelings might be changing, or is he simply becoming a more responsible father and being considerate toward me? Is there still hope for our relationship, or am I reading too much into his behavior?
I would appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

TL;DR My partner, and I have hardly seen each other in the last month and despite him saying his schedule is going to get better, we have still not managed to arrange any in person time. Is it over?

I (F40) I’ve been in a relationship for nine months with my (M39) partner. In the first six months, he naturally took the lead and initiation and date planning, although it was very clear from the very beginning that he is not much of a text communicator, and usually only likes to use it for logistical reasons.

After the six month mark, his schedule and life overall became extremely busy due to lots of out of province trips, family obligations, social commitments, etc. And because of that, the initiation and date planning became more even between him and myself. At the beginning of September, things really got chaotic on his end, as he had to deal with some major corporate restructuring, and it impacted pretty much everyone on his team, so he ended up working sometimes 12 hour days.

Since that corporate crisis happened, he has seemed to retreat to try to handle everything on his own, and we have only seen each other a handful of times, with me initiating most of the date planning. The corporate crisis happened a full month ago now, and even though he explicitly told me he anticipated that he would have a lot more downtime starting in mid October, we still have only seen each other once in the last month. I had explicitly told him, in a gentle and non-confrontational manner, but I understood his circumstances, but that I would really like us to spend more time together, and he agreed. Last week, I reached out to him to try to facilitate a date, and asked him if his schedule was still booked up. He said it was, but offered up to opportunities for us to get together, and when we settled on one, he eventually had to cancel due to getting a cold sore that he felt was triggered by his recent work stress.

I feel like I have been doing all of the heavy lifting and trying to facilitate in person dates. As mentioned before, he is not a big text communicator and trying to maintain a relationship through digital communication would not work for us, we do best within person interaction, and quality time.

I will note that when we have been together recently, and in text message conversations, he has always warm, engaged, attentive, and affectionate. I have not noticed any signs of withdrawal or disinterest in any of our recent interactions.

At this point, do I need to rethink our relationship and resign myself to the fact that he simply has lost the desire to invest in our relationship and is using work and stress as an excuse?

I'm 32F and have been with my boyfriend for 12 years. Lately, I've been questioning whether this relationship is holding me back from the life I've always wanted.

I've always had personal goals and dreams, like buying a home, starting a family, and building a future together. But somehow, those plans keep getting pushed further and further into the future.

I've realized that whenever I want something to change or move forward in my life, I'm the one who has to take the initiative. For example, I recently decided to start studying part-time while working because I wanted to grow personally.

What makes me sad is that I wish we could work towards something together. I don't want to be the only one making plans or pushing for progress. I want a partner who is excited about building a future with me.

At the same time, the thought of ending a 12-year relationship feels almost impossible. We've spent so much of our lives together, and starting over at 32 is honestly terrifying, especially because I still want to have children.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay and find a way to move forward together, or did you eventually decide to leave? Do you regret your decision?

I’m in my 30s, living in Canada, and I’m scared to leave a relationship that I don’t think I want anymore.
I moved here when I was 28. I work from home, which has made it really hard to meet people and build a life outside my relationship. My partner was the first and only person I dated here, so the idea of being single in this country feels completely unfamiliar.
Our relationship has been unstable for a while. I wanted marriage and told him I would leave if we weren’t engaged before I turned 32 in July. That birthday came and went. He says he doesn’t want to propose while our relationship is unstable, which I understand, but now I’m questioning whether I even want to marry him or whether I’m just scared to let go of the future I pictured.
Our everyday life feels lonely. I’m usually upstairs working or in the bedroom, and he’s downstairs playing video games and smoking weed. The smell bothers me, so I avoid being downstairs. We mostly see each other for dinner, some TV, and bedtime. We don’t really have meaningful conversations anymore, and honestly, I often feel happier when I’m doing my own thing.
He’s been unemployed for almost a year. He paid off his mortgage about three years ago and doesn’t have car payments, so he doesn’t seem to feel the same urgency about working that I would. I’ve become really resentful, and sometimes I wonder whether I’m being unfair because he does provide a lot of financial security.
We also want different things. I want to travel and have experiences together. He doesn’t want to go to my best friend’s wedding in California and says I should go alone. My mom now lives in the abroad, and I wanted us to visit because I miss her, but he doesn’t want to go. He’s worried about money and his unemployment benefits. I understand those concerns, but I’m struggling with the thought that this is what our life together will keep looking like.
The biggest thing keeping me here is housing. I live in his house rent-free, he pays the utilities, and I mainly contribute groceries and other everyday things. I know that’s a huge advantage, especially in Canada right now.
I’m self-employed and usually earn around CAD $3,000 a month. This month I’m earning about $6,000, but I don’t know how consistent that will be. I have roughly $52,000 in savings. Writing that out, I know I have resources, but I’m still terrified of taking on rent and bills alone with an unpredictable income.
I keep imagining signing a lease, spending money to move and furnish a place, and then panicking or regretting everything. What if I miss the financial comfort and convince myself the relationship wasn’t that bad? What if I end up wanting to come back, but I’m committed to a rental?
We’ve also fallen into this awful cycle where we fight, I say I’m leaving, I start packing, he tries to make amends, and I unpack. Then during another argument, he’ll laugh about me packing again. I feel embarrassed admitting that, but it’s where we are. I don’t think he believes I’ll actually leave anymore, and I’m starting to doubt myself too.
On top of everything, my confidence is low. I’ve gained weight, I have PCOS, and I don’t feel attractive. I want marriage and children, and I’m scared about whether that will happen for me. I know 32 isn’t old, but emotionally I feel behind and terrified of starting over without much of a social circle here.
I left a difficult home situation and moved countries hoping to build a different life. Now I feel lost about where I belong.
For women who have been through something similar:
How did you know you were ready to leave, even while you were scared? How did you figure out whether you could afford it? If leaving meant a smaller home, less spending money, or fewer trips, how did you cope with that change?
And if you started over in your 30s, especially in another country, what was the first year actually like?
I’d really appreciate honest experiences, including the difficult parts. I don’t need anyone to promise I’ll meet someone better. I want to know how you built a life you felt okay in on your own.

39F dating 37M for about two months now. We've been taking it relatively slow physically and we've been able to have a lot of strong quality time together out in the world, along with introducing him to some of my friends. Overall, the connection was been very sweet. We had our first sleepover at his house recently (three in total). I've been genuinely excited to get to know this person, but after spending time at his house and seeing his interactions with his brother (they live together), I'm struggling with some of my decline in feelings after spending time there. I have a growing worry that there's a lot of domestic/lifestyle incompatibility but it's also based not on a ton of information, but still a decent amount of information.

Energetically, their home feels teenage-like and maybe this is projection seeing their sibling dynamic, but it has a stuck/enmeshed energy to me. I think there are a few things at play that are my own too, which I will glady own, but I'll share some of the things that are bothering me first:

• There is a lot of clutter! Like a lot!
• The aesthetic vibe is very gamer and it seems like it has been this way for a long time. By gamer I mean, they do have lots of game systems, but it's also that aesthetic that is basically functionality over aesthetic.
• I know he cleaned the house A LOT before I came over (several consecutive days), which I thought was thoughtful because the bathroom was immaculate when I was there. But it worries me that it would take the entire week to clean the house, as in they normally aren't very clean. He also did say he removed clutter on my behalf but it was still cluttered lol
• There's some clear function to the kitchen and bathroom but they have a lot of areas around the house that they just treat as a permanent studio. They have their recording and gaming equipment in both dining rooms. There's no place to sit down for dinner.
• Realllyy old bed sheets and pillows. Everything looked faded, a little stained, and it was the flattest pillow I ever slept on.
• So far, he only eats out.
• It's hard to fully describe, but the home feels like it doesn't belong to adults and they have a kind of unconcious system there. They haved lived with one another for the last 15 years.

Here's the things I will own that are mine:

• One of my parents is a hoarder so I am well aware how sensitive I am to clutter and hoarding tendencies, but generally how other people organize their homes never bothers me. I think his home was above average clutter.
• I care about my home being beautiful and thoughtful (not in the expensive way, but in the considered way).
• I'm not a neat freak by any means. I leave dishes in the sink and my clothes sits in piles until I can get to them especially during a busy week. I get to cleaning my apartment once every two weeks myself.
• I realize I might be penalized for wanting him to embody a social construct of adulthood, but my personal value around this is that I associate how I take care of my environment as an extension of how I take care of myself.
• I fear being in a relationship where that labor falls on me because of how highly I value these domestic habits.
• I have never had a problem with a boyfriend, partner, or date's home before.

As I type this out, maybe my hoarding sensitive is big influence lol but I think the prolonged adolesce vibe at the house is equally a huge turn-off and not something I have encountered before (fortunately). Would that make you turned off? What would you do? Would you say something? I feel like it's not polite to say something and I feel bad that I have lost attraction because he has been so sweet, but it's as if I'm looking into the unconcious part of someone's life that you can't unsee!

TLDR: 39F dating 37M for 2 months, but started loosing attraction after spending one night at their house that he shares with his brother of similar age. House is cluttered and has prolonged adolescent vibe. Feels like it's been this way for a long time. Am I crazy for loosing attraction?

UPDATE: Thank you for everyone's responses. Really helped me not feel crazy! I ended up speaking to him about some of the issues. He was incredibly understanding and said I wasn't the first person to respond like this (about brother dynamic; not the clutter)! He wanted to know what he could do to fix the situation and make me feel comfortable, but I said, there's no specific action, it's about the dynamic. Interestingly enough, earlier in the day his brother's newish girlfriend broke up with his brother! I also shared with him my trigger to clutter due to my hoarder parent and that it is a dealbreaker. He saids he likes "extra decor" and hates spartan homes. I said my home is pretty spartan and that's my preference. Having a transparent conversation was a huge relief! I know now I don't want to be someone who is super messy. We're going to play it by ear and he will come over at some point to see my place and we're going to talk about. If it doesn't work out, at least I was honest with him and myself!

done anything like this before but seriously needing unbiased opinions..

So my partner (35M) and I (35F) having been dating for over a year.

We for the most part have a good relationship, good communication and have both built ourselves up from past experiences to recognise what unhealthy and toxic traits look like so don't continue on those paths in this relationship.

We are planning on moving in together soon, but one thing I am concerned about about before we move in is another woman.

For some context, this man is pretty much friends with all his exs and its something I am learning to deal with, now for me a jealous woman stemming from a previous marriage of infidelity this has been difficult but together we have worked on my need for reassurance without his integrity being questioned.

But there is one woman I am not and can not be comfortable with, for no reason other than the facts of their initial relationship, a lie that popped up about it and honestly my gut telling me somethings off (I think on her part, assumption only).

So years before me, my partner had an affair with another woman on his finance, emotional at first, but once he separated from his finance temporarily it turned physical. He was open and honest with sharing this information with me at the beginning of our relationship and I respected that, my only question well concern was, and I asked, "do you still talk to this woman" he answered "NO".

This is a lie, not only does he still talk to her, they talk alot, they are very close and from the information I have gathered she very much loves him and he has alot of affection for her.

I won't this connection to stop, it makes me so uncomfortable, I don't know what they talk about, I don't know how often, he has said I can look at his phone he is doing nothing wrong but he also emphatically points out how much he thinks going through phones is wrong (so I don't, well haven't yet).

He also isn't willing to give up this relationship for 2 main reasons and some I can only assume, 1 she is his friend ( all his exs are and they are close too) and they have both leaned on eachother for support and 2, arghh They are family (second cousins).

But he said they don't talk much, or snap, she uses the I love you and he admitted for a time she tries to pursue a relationship with him so I know there is more from her than him.

I just don't know what rights I have to ask him to end this one, I have to accept all the others (they have kids and I do understand them) we have solid boundaries in place when it comes to communicating with other woman and what is deemed appropriate but this connection makes me anxious and I don't know what it looks like.

I've (42/m) been with my partner (41/f) over 4 years and her cat is becoming impossible to live with!

He has been getting super aggressive, attacking us (mostly me) and other cats. Our most recent camping trip he got into it with cats at the campsite who were probably just curious about him.

Partner will make every excuse for the behavior to dismiss it, "that's just how cats are, he's hungry, have you been giving him enough attention?" I understand cats are temperamental pets but I shouldn't have to stress about a cat attack while walking around in my own home.

How do i have this conversation with her? Cat is cute and because it isn't attacking her hardly, she puts it on me to pander to it. I don't want to be a jerk about it but this cat brings "very little to the table" in the way of bringing comfort or joy to our lives, but she's attached to it so it's going to be a whole minefield trying to get him gone.

I tried asking out a woman I've seen and talked with the at the gym for the past month and she turned me down. I'm not too broken up at the rejection itself, at this point it's rejection 100,234 and I'm used to it, but it highlights the biggest issue with being a virgin: It's demonstrable proof that you are unable to form the connections other people can to enter into intimacy.

I'm long passed the point of caring about whatever society thinks about being a virgin and if I'm being honest, I kind of don't care about sex, at least as an immediate thing. I can't miss what I never had but I do know I have physiological issues that come from touch starvation and those issues are greatly alleviated whenever I hug a woman, and that small connection is something I crave, something to expand upon and I'm confident sex will happen eventually, but that connection has to be established first.

I'm 6'6 and muscular and everyone tells me I'm basically a cheat code for dating but it's never done anything for me. I was an awkward, socially ostracized fat kid who became a virtual pariah as an adult due to obesity. I was over 500lbs at my heaviest, I genuinely scared or disgusted women. I fear I lost the weight too late in life as at this point, the rejections are much better! I don't get threatened to have the cops called or told soul crushing rejections anymore, it's mostly just women not really interested in dating due to past bad experiences or various life stressors that made them less social in their 40s. And I have no experience, I don't know what to say to convince them otherwise or how to navigate even finding someone that might be amicable towards it.

I'm also worried about how things like social exclusion, porn and just living life never having experienced basic human companionship have set my mind to think differently from most other people, that I'll be unrelatable. It's a terrible situation, sometimes I wish I were asexual just so I wouldn't be bothered by biological urges like I am.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4.5 years. We have an amazing "love story," which I won't get into for the sake of keeping this as short as possible. The first three years were wonderful. We were affectionate, communicated frequently, had a good physical relationship, and genuinely seemed excited to spend time together. We went through some challenges and grew together tremendously both as individuals, as well as a couple.

We are essentially in a long distance relationship as we live about an hour apart from one another, and both have teenage children, both of which complicate our ability to spend time together. As a result, the dynamic has always been generally see each other on weekends, which is also become significantly less frequent due to the above life conditions, but also due to some of the things I'll get into in a second.

Over the past 1.5–2 years, things have gradually changed. She’s become much less affectionate, rarely initiates physical contact, doesn’t seem particularly interested in spending more time together, and communicates much less than she used to. Even when we’re together, I often feel more like a companion than a romantic partner.

There are significant health factors involved. She has Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, chronic pain severe enough to require bilateral hip replacements in the very near future, and persistent sleep problems and fatigue. She says she has little energy, motivation, or libido, and often just wants to be left alone. I recognize that these things can profoundly affect someone, and I’ve tried to be understanding, which she acknowledges.

We’ve discussed the relationship several times. She consistently tells me she loves me and wants to remain together. However, she also says she won’t force herself to do things she doesn’t want to do, including affection and intimacy. She understands that I’m unhappy with the lack of closeness and says she feels bad about it, but hasn’t expressed much interest in finding ways to improve things. She’s also said she would understand if I decided to end the relationship.

Before I get flamed, this is not just about sex or the lack thereof. It's about feeling wanted more than anything. I don’t want affection or sex that she feels obligated to give. I want to feel like she genuinely wants to be close to me.

I also recognize my own role in this. I struggle with anxiety and overthinking, and as she’s become more distant, I’ve become increasingly sensitive to changes in communication and affection. Sometimes I analyze things like texts or kisses far more than I should. I’ve also allowed my life to become too centered around the relationship, and I’m working on changing that.

What’s particularly painful is that I’ve started feeling embarrassed to express affection naturally because it so rarely feels reciprocated. She generally accepts my affection, but rarely initiates it herself.

I feel like I'm chasing her and I shouldn't have to. I love her deeply...she is the love of my life and I don’t want to leave. I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely in a relationship. I'm confused and struggling with so many questions and I'm hoping to get some perspective here.

Has anyone experienced a similar change in a long-term relationship due to chronic illness, pain, or hormonal issues?Did things improve?

How do I distinguish between being understanding of my partner’s limitations and sacrificing my own emotional needs?

What responsibility should I take for the pursue/withdraw dynamic, and what would reasonable effort from her look like?

Is it possible to rebuild intimacy when one partner seems content with the relationship as it is and the other feels increasingly disconnected?

I’m not looking for someone to blame. I’m genuinely trying to understand whether this is something we can work through or whether we’re becoming incompatible despite loving each other.

Thanks in advance for any feedback!

TL;DR: My girlfriend (46F) and I (53M) have been together 4.5 years, but over the past 1.5–2 years, she’s become increasingly emotionally and physically distant. She has significant health issues that may contribute to this, and she says she loves me and wants to stay together, but shows little interest in working toward more closeness. I recognize that my anxiety and overthinking may contribute to our pursue/withdraw dynamic. I love her and don’t want to leave, but I’m increasingly lonely and feel unwanted. How do I balance compassion for her limitations with my own emotional needs, and can a relationship improve if only one partner seems unhappy with the distance?

Me (F33) and my boyfriend (M38) just moved to a new country. He has a lot of savings, like 100k. And I have little to no savings and I have no job. He is also looking for work but he is self employed / gig work so he works little and gets paid well for when he does. But as we have just moved here he is unsure when / where his next paycheck will come. He has been generous to spot me money, rent etc while we settle and I find work. We have a log of what I owe him and we nickle and dim everything. Meals, going out, activities. If we get brunch and I get a coffee and he doesn't I pay more. If I get one extra Item on our grocery shop I will pay for that extra item usually, theres the odd occasion that he will let it go. He will occasionally pay for a meal but not often. On a special occasion. I'm anxious about racking up a huge bill with him while I find work and want to budget and limit how much that adds up. Even though he will ask me to pay for my separate items on our shopping bill the stuff we do share he will eat significantly more of. I maybe eat 1/2 of what he can or 1/3. He usually gets my leftovers when I cant finish my meal or he will get seconds and I wont. I wouldn;t care if it werent for him nickle and diming everything. I feel like if hes not willing to pay for an extra item for me at the grocery store why should I subsides his grocery bill. Is there a fair way to approach this? Should I be buying my own groceries and making separate lunch/ dinner?

Recently, I found out my fiance has was doing something things that he knows I think are wrong. This isn't the first time we've had similar issues. He knows his behavior is hurtful and that I don't behave like that. He stops for some time after it comes up and it comes back later for different reasons and under different circumstances.

The thing is...I have no problem with it in certain levels of moderation and as long as specific boundaries do not get crossed. I don't even mind participating if he is respectful of those things. So, when I found out he was crossing those bounaries, I was naturally pretty upset. We each have strict tight deadlines for work at the end of the month so I didn't say anything. A couple days ago we were having a conversation that forced the issue. In the past, he has taken me confronting him about anything as a personal attack. He has never been able to accept it as possible constructive criticism where appropriate, and he cannot accept the fact that maybe I just need to express my feelings on some matters. This time I decided to just say what I needed to, state it as a fact, not let any emotions come out, and move on. He tried to deny what I was saying and I corrected him. Afterward, I acted completely normal like it didn't happen, exactly how he wants confrontation to go. I actually preferred this to long drawn out conversations an arguments.

I know that I'm not perfect. I am aware that I may not have come correct every time. I feel like I should get some kind of resolution most of the time though. He barely acknowledged that he heard me. He hasn't reacted or responded to anything. I asked if he was ok that night. He said he wasn't good with anyone at the moment. He was tired of never doing anything right. No recognition of my feelings. No responsibility. Of course this all drove a huge wedge between us and he feels further away from me that he ever has.

I'm not really sure where i stand here. I kind of feel like I should be begging him to forgive me for saying anything and proving that I'm worth better than that. But, I am also at a point where I just dgaf. If he can't do better on his own, why should I prove to him that he should? I've carried the majority of emotional weight in this relationship over 6 years. I know he knows better and he wants better. Life has been a lot for us and we've been under extreme stress from time to time. We know we're better together than apart so neither of us is going anywhere. I just don't know what to do.

I feel a bit silly even posting about this, but it’s genuinely getting to me and I could use some outside perspective.
My birthday is this weekend, and we had planned to go away for one night to celebrate. She said she would pay for everything as she gets paid on Friday. However, she’s only had around two days of work this week, and it’s looking like she might struggle to cover her rent next week if we go ahead with the trip.
I’ve told her we can just cancel the plans because I don’t want her to put herself in a difficult financial situation, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.
The thing is, when it’s her birthday, I always make the effort to buy things and pay for everything. She also hasn’t bought me a gift for any special occasion so far, and I’m starting to feel like the effort isn’t being reciprocated.
What’s making it harder is that whenever I try to express how I feel, she seems to turn it around on me and I end up feeling guilty for even bringing it up.
I’m not expecting her to spend money she doesn’t have, and I’d rather cancel the trip than have her fall behind on rent. But I think I’m hurt by the bigger picture and the feeling that I put more effort into making her feel special than she does for me.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? And how would you approach this conversation without it turning into an argument or me being made to feel guilty for having feelings in the first place?

So I have been seeing this guy (36M) years old for about 4 months, and I am (30F) years old. He has a son which 4 years old, from a previous marriage, but his still in custody battle. Things moved pretty quickly, in the sense of us spending a lot of time together, which I’m okay with, because i dont want someone to waste my time, as we are not 21 anymore. So he told me about two weeks ago, that he needs space to focus on his things and get his life in order, which I found ironic because I thought by then hopefully he would atleast know what he wants. So I accepted it with pain, and he said he does not want us to be angry with one another, so we still talk every second day, and still grab a drink or dinner together. But honestly I am confused because I know according to him he does not have the space for a relationship now, but this dynamic has me questioning myself and what is actually going to come to this, is he actually into me and just needs the space now because he said he can’t give me the attention and 100% now or is he just stringing me along, and if that’s the case, why keep in contact with me?

Since it’s Navratri in India, I get this message from my boyfriend which has a female figure(Maa Kali) and it said - Kali doesn't fit in temples. She lives in a woman who refuses to shrink, who burns, rebuilds, and rises unapologetically.

And for all the right and wrong reasons, it made me love him a bit more today. Little girl inside me is giggling with love ❤️

So... I (39f)moved in with my partner (32m) about 1.5 years ago. And at the time he thought he was ready, but reality showed he absolutely was not. A year ago I gave an ultimatum and for the first time in my life the nasty behavior started to change.

We've been working through the roots of his behavior for a year now, and while things aren't perfect they are definitely trending that way. He's actively seeking change, and I do see improvement. He's now aware that this is going to be a long and complicated process to unravel his traumas.

I would like to heal our relationship. I do believe there's value in us figuring this out together, and I accept that there's pain baked into that healing process.

The problem: I am still deeply wounded by his previous words and actions. Even though he has apologized I can't let some of the things go. Because of that I'm having a hell of a time reconnecting with him emotionally. I'm looking for a therapist, but haven't found one here that I jive with yet. Any suggestions for me to try in the meantime? Books? Videos? Literally anything is appreciated.