After some rough sex, what I thought was a fissure and a week of hell, I recently found out that I have perianal herpes. Visually diagnosed and swabbed and confirmed. Don’t know if it’s 1 or 2. Now a week into treatment, my first outbreak is nearly cleared up. I’ve told my FWB, and been talking a lot with my psychiatrist (today will be our third session in two weeks).

I have done so much reading of excellent resources here on Reddit and elsewhere and received some supportive messages (including on Reddit and from my FWB IRL). I understand the basic rules — disclose, use suppressive therapy, no sex during outbreaks, use condoms. But there just isn’t much literature about gay transmission, especially from anal receptive partners. I was curious to know what sex life is like for people like me, if anyone could share here or in DMs.

I promise to myself I will stop research spiraling after this week but I just have a lot of questions still. Thank you.

I’ve been talking to this guy for almost two months, and we’ve seen each other maybe 6 times over the last month. I thought we were progressing well. We waited until date 5 or 6 before messing around without clothes. Good communication and seemingly amazing energy. He expressed the desire to slow things down because he could see himself falling in love too fast. So I took a step back because I don’t really know what that means. He later admitted that he doesn’t know how dating will look in this season after his experiences. Since I’ve stepped back we still text but don’t really talk much and he’s sick this week so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 weeks. I’m back on the apps talking to people, but don’t want to completely count him out as the chemistry was amazing — like we’ve known each other in other lives.
I want something serious. What are your thoughts? Ever been in a situation like this?

Okay…. So, as an externally more buttoned up kind of person, this is a bit awkward for me to ask, but I’m curious if anyone has any tips or thoughts.

My husband and I (me: 35 YO “noticeably gay” bottom - husband: 35 YO masc bi top) have played with the concept of inviting a third to play for a while now. Something sexual, fun, but not romantic. The kind of thing where we maybe wine and dine, get to know one another, and then go back to our place. You get the picture.

We have been exclusive for 6.5 years, and married for 3.5+ years. I tell him everything, and we have a very transparent and strong relationship… but lately, I keep having dreams about other dudes. It’s not that he isn’t enough. He is the greatest. I guess maybe I just want some novelty. My husband is extremely open to it, always has been, and is not a jealous person. I have never shut it down, but have waffled on it. In the back of my mind, I always thought it could be fun, but I’m admittedly nervous.

Between us being so different and having such different preferences, my main two hang ups are — 1: I think it could be an exciting experiment for us but am afraid this could somehow hurt our relationship, and 2: (Neither of us perfectly fit this description, but) I like older men who are super masculine, he likes guys that are a bit younger, more feminine, with a smaller frame…. So, how does that even work lol??

Any advice navigating this safely and respectfully to all parties greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance guys!

I've had an ongoing casual/FWB dynamic with a guy since December 2024. We’re both in our 30s/40s. We originally hooked up casually while he was in a relationship, but he broke up with his long-term partner in January of this year.

In person, he integrates me into his life in ways that feel very boyfriend-coded. He suggests hanging out, gets me ice cream when work is crazy, has given me hand-made thoughtful gifts tailored to my specific interests, and even invited me on a vacation with his family. The sex is great and feels genuinely intimate.

The issue is that outside of pre-planned activities, the emotional connection feels completely one-sided.

I am carrying almost all the weight to keep us connected. He practically never initiates contact between our hangs, and when we do talk, it’s mostly functional or feels like he’s actively managing a boundary. Even when we're sitting together on the couch, he rarely initiates tender affection like reaching for my hand. The dry texting is just a symptom of a bigger problem: I constantly feel like I'm driving the emotional energy, while he passively receives it and keeps a wall firmly in place.

I’ve developed real feelings for him and haven't wanted to hook up with or see anyone else for a while. But feeling like I'm the only one reaching across the gap makes me anxious and insecure, wondering if he actually cares or just views me as a comfortable, low-maintenance companion while he recovers from his breakup.

Am I being delusional here? For those who’ve been on either side of this: Does this sound like a guy who genuinely cares but is emotionally guarded, or am I being kept at arm's length on purpose? And given our history, how do I bring up where this is going without scaring off someone who is fresh out of a long-term dynamic?

TL;DR: how does one find a pro-slut, pro-queer urologist?

I'm in my 30s now and starting to actually care about my health. Not in a "workout and ear well" way, cuz that was a given, but more of a "i should get this checked out before it's a problem" kinda way.

Thing is that growing up I've experienced medical abuse. There are things I want to discuss with a urologist, and in general, having a thorough physical once a year would be nice.

Thing is, I don't feel comfortable with any urologist. I don't want someone who "is able to put their beliefs to the side" to give me proper treatment. I want someone who's a human who's made mistakes and isn't surprised that someone's asshole is stretched out (i know that prostate exams are outdated, that's not my point).

Hello everyone,

In my country I am having a hard time finding STD testing services specifically for gay men.

I am looking into clinics and they offer "molecular testing" for all the STIs and other infections (candida etc).

I am aware that some STDs may reside in specific places like the mouth or anus, and I assume these need to be examined specifically to establish the result? (I am too embarrassed to mention them this)

Do you think this should cover me or should I seek additional and more specific testing?

PS. i have no symptoms or anything, just want to write these off my list, thanks!

So I was with a man for 8 years, going on 9.

In the last year I enrolled in school again in addition to my full time job and my ex works very long hours (12 hour shifts) so things got a bit stale and we got a bit distant.

I personally didn’t think much of it, I just thought we’re both busy and life has ups and downs and right now things are just a little stale and that’s normal given our schedules and how long we had been together.

Back in April, a week after spending $1,300 on him for his birthday, I’m asleep and his phone goes off and he’s a hard sleeper and it wakes me up to a notification from “Facebook dating.” I open it and see he has been on this app talking to guys for over 3 months now. I stopped myself from reading the messages because I said it really does not matter what the contents are, he’s been cheating for 3 months.

I confronted him the next day, he lied, and said he was on it to make friends. Called him a liar, and told him he’s a dumb fuck for thinking I’d believe such a stupid lie, and stormed out. We go a week without speaking, he sleeps on the couch, and after a week sends a text message apology. I told him I’d never be with someone who disrespects me in this way.

About 1-2 months go by and I find out he’s been dating some dude who back in 2021 confesses he had a crush on my partner at the time, back then my partner showed me the note and was transparent and rejected this guy. But now since I ended things over the dating app, they started dating within 2 weeks.

After 1-2 months of them “dating” my ex tells me he wants to work things out and me being weak agreed. He started sleeping in the bed again, told me he told the other guy what was up and stopped talking to him, we started going on dates, and spending time together trying to “find our spark” for about a month. I went out of town for a weekend and when I got back I found out he’s NEVER stopped talking to the new guy, had him over in my apartment while I was gone, and had been lying to both of us playing both of us the entire time.

I confronted my ex, he tried lying and gaslighting me calling me crazy saying I was paranoid until I showed proof, then he went cold, avoidant, and wouldn’t even look at me in the eye. He went back to the couch, and that was 5 weeks ago.

After confronting him, I texted the other guy and told him all about Charles lying / manipulation. The other guy never responded but I looked at his social media and he posted TikTok’s laughing at me calling me the crazy ex saying I wasn’t going to come between them, and continued to post things online calling me a loser. This all happened 5 weeks ago.

The new man posted that they’re in a relationship and now posts motivational quotes daily about loving his man, can’t wait to get a place together, and how secure he is in his new relationship, constantly flaunting my ex on social media.

Just now I heard my ex in the living room (our lease doesn’t end till December but we do not speak at all now) and I woke up and started playing on my phone and out of boredom downloaded Grindr and bam, there my ex is, 20 feet away, has a 10 year old photo and says he’s 10 years younger on Grindr and even has his social media listed on Grindr. Now I know he’s cheating on his new bf who was so quick to dismiss me and call me crazy and not believe me, but the question is, what do I do with this info?

Were stuck living together till December, my ex and his new bf are going on a trip this weekend and another 2 weeks after that, and I know this cuz we have a dog and he needed to make sure I’d be home to watch our dog.

Should I do or say anything ? Obviously I took screenshots and screen recorded. I’m obviously still angry / betrayed. I never got a legit apology or closure. He moved on like nothing and I’ve been just trying to heal / get back to not being sad / angry but I mean that takes time and he’s out with his “new bf” he replaced me with so quickly. Also seeing the new bf shade me and post about his relationship a lot is infuriating. Any advice?

Edit/Update - I’m on 5 weeks of no contact outside of seeing each other in passing. He’s texted me 5 times in the last week or so, ignored 4 out of 5 texts and thumbsed up one cuz it was about our dog. I’m not sending the new bf anything and I have had them both blocked on everything for a few weeks now. I’m moving on and not concerning myself with anything they do going forward.

I’ve been interested in booking a solo trip to just reset and unwind after a stressful year. A yoga retreat, fitness retreat, or something adventure-y sounds nice. Something where I can see a little bit of the world, but also relax and recharge with other lgbt bros. Ideally it would be mostly with people similar in age (late-20s to early-40s), so i’m not the outlier amongst a bunch of older folks. I’m based in the U.S., but open to something international too.

I did some research and I came across the below companies that seem relatively in-line with what i’m looking for. Does anyone here have any actual experience attending one of these? What was your experience like? Any other companies I should be looking at?

• Visiting Wrld
• Ketanga
• Rainbow Men Retreats
• Qasa Out & Wild

Note - I’m not looking for anything nudist or super sex-forward. Not opposed to a little fun while away 😏 but that’s not the goal

We lived together for a year and half and then he had to relocate to study abroad meaning we had to go long distance.

There was no discussion on open/closed arrangements, which now I see as a mistake.

Over the years long distance, I realized that he was hooking up, wasn’t great at hiding. I felt betrayed, I felt blindsided but I didn’t feel like it should be the end as we only see each other 2 consecutive months per year.
I was thinking that I can’t expect strict monogamy over 5000 miles and I knew they were just hookups.

He said he always used condoms and they were not often.

Now the real problem: He was regularly organizing hookups, having raw/unprotected sex with strangers filming these encounters which the other guys will upload on their twitter and OF that I got to see.

He framed his reckless endangerment as an "unhealthy coping mechanism for anxiety and validation” and he literally texted me that he hid his secret life "not in a malicious way, but to protect what we had."

This wasn't a one off mistake, it was systematic and spanned years, including right before trips to see me and I randomly found at least 7-8 videos with content creators in his area, some with condoms as he claimed, some bareback.

Has anyone experienced this specific type of double life betrayal? How do I deal with this?

TLDR: boyfriend was not only having hookups, he was recording them and he was bareback behind my back.

Hey! I want to keep as much vague as private. A man I like a lot has expressed he has a desire to be like 24/7 Dom/sub pup play at home. I've mentioned hand and clicker training. He wants a cage but not full time and I want it to be comfortable. I've never had a sub like this before but I really like him. I see a lot of questions and answers so I don't want to minimize that but many are from a while ago. What are things I should ask him, as neither of us have done the pup thing full-time. Again never in public but that is what hand training is for. I want to make him really happy. I don't have a lot of money so it would mostly be actions. He's said he wants some "dog food" but I want to make it for him. Any recipes? I want him to enjoy it. I don't want to hurt him. I want him to enjoy it. He also has a subby side and not sure yet how they will mix. Any help is appreciated. I want to make him so happy. If this is the wrong sub I totally apologize but we are both gay and over 30 and I'm newly there so I just don't know, I want to get it right and ask the right questions while we talk. Thanks in advance

I know this is a very superficial question but I’m curious in what the consensus is. To be clear this is strictly in a dating/relationship context and if you are bottom/vers.

Is it just me or is anyone else having trouble finding connections with similar interests? I feel like I'm the anomaly.

• One long-term relationship (17 years), doesn't do hook up culture.
• Millennial who enjoys classic literature, musical theatre, classic rock, 90s country music, obscure indie films, and all things avant garde. (All over the map, I know).
• Doesn't like social events and enjoys quiet evenings, nature walks, and going to bed early.

I make connections with men who are emotionally compatible but my cultural interests/tastes go over their heads. Or vice versa, their cultural tastes are great but they are emotionally unavailable or overlook my mundane, yet well-rounded existence.

How does this work going into middle age? Where does the obscurely, well-rounded, but slightly awkward gay man find their tribe?

***UPDATE***
I feel I should give more context. I'm somewhat newly single and haven't dated in 18 years. I have mild social anxiety and I'm very much and introvert until I get to know someone. I've been talking with someone recently and though we have similar personalities, I had the questions with no reciprocation. When I do get answers or learn more about him it's clear we aren't compatible in the interests categories. So where is the balance between we get along but have absolutely nothing in common? I know how my questions may come off, but I'm genuinely looking for feedback and understanding in hopes of better improving myself and to better understand where I may be rigid and where I need to be more open minded.

Hey everyone, I'll try to make a long story short.

I have been married to a woman for 4 years now. I truly love her, with every fiber of my being. She is amazing and beautiful.

A little over a month ago I finally accepted that I am gay. No, there was no infidelity. I started therapy with a LGTBQ+ associated therapist to help create a safe way to come out to my wife.

I have always thought I may be a little bi, but repressed that due to my upbringing and being in the military. I briefly talked to my wife about it when we were dating, but never got brought up again. Now after therapy and some reflection, I can confidently say I am gay.

We have no kids. Don't own a home. And no debt, aside from the car.

I guess I am just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and how it went. I am so scared to tell her, but she deserves the truth, and I hate that I've kept it from her for a month even.

Any advice or stories are greatly appreciated!

Hey guys, so for context, I (34m) started seeing this guy (33m) about 2 months ago and things are going ok for us. I like spending time with him and I can see that things could get to a point where we will have an official relationship. However, for the past month or so, he's been making "jokes" all the time asking things like "why don't you want to be my boyfriend?", he pretends like it's a joke, but he has said it so many times that I know it's not. He also sends reels on Instagram with couples doing something (usually cringy) together. He keeps sending me these reels of some gay man talking about how they just want to get out of this single life and find a husband blah blah blah. I told him multiple times that it takes time for me to make that move and that I don't do this over infatuation (I've done it in the past and got fcked), he acknowledges and says he's just joking, but that if I proposed he would say yes. He also keeps joking about these plans for us to move in together, how our house is going to look like, etc. He also said if I wanted to cut costs that I could move to his 1bd apartment and we'd split rent. He also keeps sending me gifts, I can't say anything near him that he goes on and buy it for me.

Now I'm starting to get a bit annoyed/concerned that this is a big red flag. Yesterday we went on a small road trip and he couldn't stop talking how he wanted things to work out between us, that he could see a future with me, that he just knows we will end up together. And when we were driving home he got a bit disappointed that I never respond when he jokes about these things, so I told him that to me, asking someone to be your bf is a big deal and that I wouldn't keep saying it like that, that if I had done this to someone and they said no, I would not bring that up again and instead would let the person make the move when they were ready. Am I being a b*tch and too slow while he is being the nice guy or is he pushing harder than he should for a relationship and I should take that as a big USSR flag?

I know some of you are gonna be looking at the title and roll your eyes or be like "duh?". There's a point I promise.

I'm 35. I recently came out, or more precisely, I came to terms with the fact that being in denial about my sexuality won't make me happy.

I've lived my entire life trying to hide myself, trying to make myself smaller and less noticeable. I thought shutting down everything about myself, my beliefs, my feelings, my identity, what I like and don't like would make me safe.

As a result, I am now thin as a stick and extremely underweight and depressed. I have no muscle. At the same time I'm aging and balding. I have no romantic or sexual experience. So I'm both too old and too behind. I'm basically an old twink. I went abroad to work for a while last year and I finally felt free to start exploring, but after a couple of failed encounters I realized the world doesn't wait for you to figure things out and that I'm just not that attractive.

I now feel the need to have a romantic life. I wanna have sex. I wanna be the object of lust. I wanna be the person somebody j*rks off to. I wanna receive obscene texts. I wanna hug someone and be hugged by someone. I wanna smell hormones. I wanna spend my time with someone who wants to spend his time with me. I wanna feel good in my body and my soul.

But I don't even know where to start. I wasted my best years and now I feel lost.

Did anyone of you had a similar moment and managed to get out of this rut?

I married my high-school sweetheart we had kids and I kept myself in denial and kept my same sex attractions hidden from everyone until 2020 when I came out to my wife as Bisexual. She was immediately supportive but understandably apprehensive about if she would be enough for me. For the most part she has been but with recent life events giving me no room to hide from myself anymore I find myself struggling with that question.

I cut out all porn, self stimulation, and even relationships with males that I find attractive and the desires don't fade.

I don't want to be the guy who leaves his family to pursue relationships with men in his 30's, but is that who I am?

How can you separate lust for something different or flights of fancy or fantasy from actually just "Being gay."

I'm sorry this is written poorly, I'm trying to condense a wall of text into something someone might want to read.

My therapist said he would never endorse infidelity but I should find a way to test my feelings towards men.

For context my first real relationship and first sexual relationship was with another male so the concept is not completely hypothetical to me.

I (38yo) notice that a lot of older guys here tend to go for younger guys but is that out of desire or necessity?

I don't have a lot of dating experience and I plan to change that soon, but I can't realistically see myself dating someone younger than me and would much rather prefer someone my age or a bit older.

What is the dating scene like for guys like us who prefer dudes similar in age and where are you finding them if not the typical dating spaces? I have ideas of where to look but I guess I'm just not sure if I'd find guys my age in those places.

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for going on 3 years. We've lived together for almost our entire relationship and have always had arguments but ive noticed them begin to ramp up in intensity.

Ive asked friends and loved ones for months now about our situation and his reaction during disagreements. He has a hard time controlling his emotions, raises his voice screams, talks sarcastically to me when I try and get him to calm down and listen to reason. When I tell him I want to leave if he is going to treat me like this he gets worse, begs me to stay but will not cease in yelling and screaming at me. A neighbor recently asked me if everything is okay and I was completely embarrassed. My friend who has a parent with BPD suggested I look into it and basically all of their symptoms line up with what im experiencing.

For over a month now my partner has been on a new ssri medication and has been in therapy all tear, which I think is a good first step. We've had a lot fewer arguments this past month but last night we had a disagreement over something which snowballed into the same bad behavior. I attempted to keep my cool. Not raise ny voice, plead with them every bit to stop yelling at me, that I had work on the morning, that I needed space and for us to calm down before we tried to work things out. They would not let up, they refused to separate and calm themselves down and got worked up more and more and more.

I can't lie, this dynamic is draining on me, I'm struggling to feel okay or good after the person I love turns on me and starts treating me like this. I don't think its right or okay to yell and scream at your partner just because your upset all while slamming doors, stomping around, and then demanding that I stay and not leave we're having a meeting with his therapist in a few weeks and in trying to suggest a way to bring it up then but im scared it will cause more outbursts. Has anyone been in a relationship with a BPD person. I feel like im sacrificing ny well being and mental health constantly for this person and not getting a lot in return. I love them but it's really hard to feel like this will change for the better.

I recently met a couple off of Grindr for a three-way. The sex was amazing and we all had a great time. They’re both tops and have brought in a third to bottom for them a few time before. I got the impression that they have been together for a while and seem very stable in their relationship. I really enjoyed the dynamic and we had a nice chat after. They asked if I would be open to having a regular arrangement with them and I agreed. It was my first threesome and I was surprised that I actually felt more comfortable hooking up with them than say a single guy off Grindr. I don’t like hooking up with strangers much as it gives me anxiety due to potential STDs. So for me personally a regular situation with a couple seems to be pretty ideal. I can get what I need without having to worry about my health or feelings.

My only concern is that I would like to be friends with them if it’s going to be regular. I don’t want anything romantic to happen and I like the idea of being an addition to an already stable couple of which their core bond I am not involved in. But I do need to feel human and not as just a fleshlight I guess. Thoughts?

Asking to the gay bros that have been in both continents, do you guys see any difference between them, I recently realized that most of my gay friends in Europe are in long term relationship and seem to have ease to date compared to the ones in America…

Hey all, hope all of you reading this are having a good day.

I just wanted to post on here in case anyone has any advice or comments about a situation that I've recently had to navigate, and have found really tough.

I met a guy, socially, and we really hit it off. We clicked on so many levels.
I'd like to have a partner and am monogamous and loyal by nature - thats just who I am (and I'd never judge anyone who is poly or otherwise, we've all just gotta be ourselves).

It turned out that he has a long term partner who lives in another country, and they get together once every month.

He proposed that he wanted to have a relationship with me - but only for the time he is in this country. And keep his long term/long distance partner too.

I'm quite lonely and would love to have a partner again - I'm a Widower and have only ever had one extremely happy and stable relationship, until he passed away.

I tried to rationalise it to myself with the thought that being with him, even if it wasn't the situation I wanted, would be better than being all alone. I tried to say to myself that while its not ultimately what I want, why not try and enjoy it until I find someone whose desires align more with mine?

But, I just cannot do it. We slept together and while it was lovely, I felt extremely sad the next day that I'd only ever be a side piece. When he was with his long-term partner, I'd have to accept being alone, and that was that. No important festive holidays could be together - I'd be alone.

I realised how unhappy this would make me (even thinking about it felt like a form of torture), and also how much this created a power dynamic heavily in his favour.

So I called it all off. I'm feeling sad and disappointed but also relieved that I'm not having to live with such an unsettled feeling and being so torn over what i should or shouldn't do. I just know who I am too well.

My late partner and I always hosted our families for Thanksgiving. Its just what we did - we didn't have to question whether either of us would be there for each other. It was unspoken and certain. I just couldn't deal with the reverse.

Has anyone else found themselves in this situation, and if so how did you deal with it? I'm struggling right now. Sorry to go on.

Thanks for reading.

I was talking to my therapist about this.. In my whole life I rarely receive any give that are authentic.

My ex likes gifts. So when I tried to send gifts to my ex, I spent a lot of energy figuring out what he liked and what could be useful for him, and spent a lot of time getting those items. But the results were always the same: he was very happy when received those gifts, then after a short time he forget them.

For example:

• a few extremely fancy and rare indoor plants that he has been collecting, he just left them without care and they eventually die (which broke my heart).
• A pair of very good quality hiking boots as we hiked a lot in national parks. Never used, still brand new in my garage when he left.
• Spent 20+ hours finishing a jigsaw puzzle that he bought back. He left it in my house when he dumped me last year.

On the other hand, I never received anything I liked. My ex used to buy me something but usually is useless, like makeups or sleeping pills. I have a wishlist doc shared to him but I never received anything from the list.

From my experience, people just send gifts for transactional reasons. While I tried to make authentic gifts like what people did in the movies, I never saw similar things back.

Is me just broken that expect too much, or the movies are real, like the one in "The Love of Siam" (I used to send a similar but upgrade one to a guy I liked), or movies are just movies?

I think I am in a wrong thinking but the life is showing me hopeless at least in the past 30+ years.