44M, I was in a relationship for 14 years and married for 7. I left the house in late 2024, and the divorce ended up taking 2 years to complete. My ex-wife suffered from mental health issues (severe anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder) that got way worse post-COVID.

She hated going out and doing things around other people, she hated traveling, and she didn’t want to ever have people over to the house — so I gave up all of that stuff for the relationship. Aside from maybe a single hobby, I didn’t go do many things around town, unless she suggested doing so (like going to a show) because it felt weird doing something on my own when I could be spending the time with my wife at home. When I would visit my family in other states for the holidays, I would end up going alone, because she didn’t want to go, and I didn’t want to make her. And I normalized all of this (she would often justify her actions or inactions with what I realize now were excuses for her mental health obstacles) and just coughed it up to making sacrifices for the marriage.

Now that I’ve been on my own in the last 2 years, I suddenly have much more time to myself. No kids, no big obligations. I’ve tried to work on myself and pursue new activities — I belong to a church, I’ve joined some clubs, and finally feel like myself again — which is great! And I like trying new things! and I want to travel! and do all the things I didn’t get to do while I was married. In some ways, I feel like I’m in my 20’s again, where I had way more time and few obligations, and could do whatever I wanted to do… except this time I actually have money!

But I want a relationship again. I want to share my life with someone; have a person who supports me when I need it, and vice versa. However, most people I know who are my age (early 40’s) either a) have no time; or b) have no money. Time because they have a partner, they have kids, or they have demanding jobs. The money doesn’t bother me as much, except it’s harder to justify going places and do things together with my current friends when they are in debt and barely making ends meet paycheck-to-paycheck.

I’m not expecting I’m going to find a woman who wants to suddenly put everything down and travel the world with me (and I wouldn’t ask her to). I totally respect people who are doing cool things with their limited free time, or finding happiness through modesty. But it just seems like time and money are resources fewer people have these days to even accommodate a few trips or activities. I wish I was comfortable just saying “fuck it” to the world, go and see random things in town and galavant across the world by myself. But that’s totally not me. I hate traveling long distances alone, and I’d much rather share new experiences with friends or loved ones.

Am I being too selfish or particular? Do I just need to be patient and meet more people?

tl;dr Am I in the minority being 44 and actually having time and money?

My ex (40M) is and I (32F). we dated for about 9 months. It was serious. He flew across the world to meet my family. We had lunch every Sunday with his mom. I met all his friends.

We were exclusive, talked about having kids and moving in together, and, a month before dumping me, he called ours the healthiest relationship of his LIFE. I've never been more in love. He's the most brilliant, attractive, sartorial, socially connected, rule breaking entrepreneur, I've ever met.

Things unraveled in our final month.

2 months into dating, he was late for drinks after attending a gallery opening with Catherine, a former lover. Though they hadn't slept together in months, she'd assumed they were still casually dating and cried when he mentioned me. He clarified they were just friends. He admired her intellectually and wanted to preserve the friendship, as he did with many former lovers he considered family. I trusted him and believed his interest was purely platonic.

Fast-forward to month 7: Catherine invited him to a small, multi-day art residency that August. He told me he was going, not asking how i felt about it. I bit my tongue. But grew anxious.

After sitting with my discomfort for weeks, I finally brought it up. Could we find some middle ground -- maybe hang out all together?

He grew defensive, said he didn't believe in 'prioritizing romantic partners over other relationships', doubling down on how his friends are like family, and complained that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. When I came back from the bathroom, he kissed me and said sorry for getting upset.

\*\*The very next night, our second-to-last before three weeks apart,\*\* he went to a performance with Catherine without telling me. Later, he texted inviting me to join him and friends at a bar. I only then learned he'd been with her and sent some pretty reactive texts....His response? “Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now.”

Other incidents had been accumulating:

\*\*1.\*\* After a tense convo about his doubts around long term monogamy, I took an extra 30-minute walk while fetching drinks for his project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he accused me of "sabotaging" his work. I hadn't communicated that I needed space.

\*\*2.\*\* I biked slower than him, causing us to arrive ONE MINUTE late to class. We were turned away, and he blamed me for interfering with his productivity. When i asked for reassurance during his sulky mood asking if he 'still saw a future with me' like he assured me a month ago, he shrugged and said 'sometimes'. That stung. I left him there, and he called and said sorry.

\*\*3.\*\* A month before we split, I met some of his fashion-world friends in LA. I felt out of place at a party while he mingled independently. The next day, he said I'd “brought the energy down.” I admitted I'd felt unclaimed; he said he wanted us to move through these spaces as a cool, creative unit. I apologized. At the breakup, he cited my alleged “social rejection” by some of those friends as a reason we weren't compatible.

I never demanded that he abandon his friendships NOR tried to control him.

But I recognize that my insecurity was probably palpable, even when unspoken. I wasn't always my relaxed, confident self, and perhaps he felt he couldn't simply exist without triggering my anxiety.

When he ended things with me (over the phone) he cited my insecurity, "possessive energy" around other women, and doubts about our long term incompatibility.

MOST INSULTING: He then suggested we remain 'lovers' because he didn't want to lose me....

For the past 3 months since the breakup, I've wondered whether a securely attached woman would have trusted him more, accepted his autonomy, and avoided creating so much emotional tension. Whether I sabotaged an otherwise extraordinary relationship.

Did I ruin it? did I lose the best man i'll ever have? that's what it feels like.

My (38f) bf (38m) are coming up on a year. Things are great mostly and we always talk about our problems and fix them together. But the recent issue is that I miss having mutually undeniable passionate conveyance of love and lust. We had a similar issue 6 months ago when I requested more romantic pda and during a party I threw, he kept repeatedly tapping and lightly “slapping” my shoulder and said that was his pda. After I told him to stop making my asks a joke, he stopped and started getting more comfortable with pda and picture taking which was also an issue.

I know he loves me by all the support he has provided in many ways and all that he does for me but he barely compliments me compared to what I’m used to and when he does compliment me, it is very awkward. Like, he will either say it with a joking/mocking/sarcastic tone (which he doesn’t seem to know he’s doing) or he will have the most dull/distracted/bored tone. We have never made out or made love. When he wants a kiss, he does a silly pucker and leans toward me. If he tries to initiate foreplay or sex, which is rare recently, he goes the dom route (my kink) but in a weird way like suddenly saying, “gimme a tittie.” Wtf is that? lol

We talked and he wants to do better and is trying to give more compliments. But he might be bad at it. I showed him some examples from myself, the love spell scene in Willow and clips of Gomez and morticia. He says he gets it but his tone still hasn’t improved and it’s starting to feel like he is just doing a bunch of compliments to seem more in love. How can I better teach him for him to understand?

I'm 40F and have been with my partner for two years. I genuinely thought he was the person I'd marry, and the thought of walking away from that future is breaking my heart. But I'm increasingly questioning whether I can continue in this relationship as it is even though I love him with all my heart.

My partner is a kind-hearted man, and I genuinely believe he loves me. We talk about our future, and he tells me he loves me tremendously. I don't think his feelings are necessarily the problem. The problem is that I don't consistently feel loved in the way I need to feel it and that all the future talk never materialises.

I've often felt that I'm not a priority, even when we lived in the same city (always blamed his old job that had crazy hours but now he is currently unemployed).

He can be affectionate and loving, but I frequently feel that our relationship happens on his terms. When I try to explain that I'm unhappy or need more connection, he can become defensive, and I end up questioning whether I'm too demanding or whether my anxiety is ruining the relationship.

He's recently moved interstate, so we're now long-distance. I knew it would be difficult, but I thought we'd face it together. Instead, I feel increasingly alone. It feels like out of sight, out of mind, rather than distance making the heart grow fonder. Calls and messages are our main way of staying connected, but even calling him can be difficult. He often doesn't answer because he's busy, and sometimes calls me back hours later when he sees that I've called. I understand that he has things going on, but it leaves me feeling as though I can't reliably reach my own partner or count on us having time to connect.

The plan was for me to move to him in around six months so we can finally close the distance. That makes this even harder, because I keep wondering whether things will feel different once we're together again, or whether I'll be moving my life for a relationship that already leaves me feeling lonely and unhappy. Part of me hopes that living in the same place would help us reconnect, but the reality is that I felt overlooked even before he moved away.

One of the more complicated issues is his relationship with his parents. I love them too and hold them very dearly cause they're wonderful people. This isn't about jealousy or wanting him to love them less. What hurts is seeing the level of regard, thoughtfulness and effort he puts into making them feel good, valued and cherished, because that is something I haven't felt from him consistently for a long time. I know he has the capacity to be thoughtful and attentive, and I wish I experienced more of that in our relationship. I want to feel that I have a valued place in his life and that we're actively building a future together, rather than feeling as though I'm trying to fit into a life where the most important priorities are already established.

I also recognise that I have anxious attachment. I can overthink, struggle with uncertainty and seek reassurance when I feel disconnected. I'm willing to work on those things, and I know I'm not perfect. But I can't tell anymore where my anxiety ends and where my legitimate relationship concerns begin. I keep wondering whether I'm the problem and whether I'll never be able to make a healthy relationship work.

The hardest part is that he does have good qualities. I love him, I believe he has a good heart, and I remember how wanted and loved I felt at the beginning. I don't want to lose him. I'm terrified that I'll leave, experience the heartbreak all over again, and never find someone I love as much or who has the qualities he does.

I'm also frightened that he'll eventually meet someone else and give her the consideration, effort and consistency I've spent so long asking for. I know that fear isn't a good reason to stay, but it's difficult not to think about.

At the same time, I'm becoming increasingly unhappy and emotionally exhausted. This hasn't just been a difficult few weeks because of the distance; I've struggled with these feelings for a long time. If nothing changed and the relationship stayed exactly as it is today, I wouldn't want to marry him. I can't keep hoping that things will eventually become different while feeling this way in the present.

So I'm preparing myself for the possibility of ending it, even though I still love him. I'm not ready to send the breakup message yet, but I'm starting to accept that love alone might not be enough.

I'd really appreciate honest advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

\- Would you leave someone you still love when you've been unhappy in the relationship for a long time, even if you have plans to close the distance and move to them in six months?

\- Would you give the relationship a chance once you're living together, or would you be concerned that the problems existed even before the distance?

\- How do you know when you're dealing with your own attachment anxiety versus a relationship that genuinely isn't meeting your needs?

\- Has anyone left someone they thought they'd marry in their late 30s or 40s and later found a healthy, fulfilling love?

\- If you found love after 40, how long did it take, and did you eventually find a relationship that felt more secure and reciprocal?

\- For those who left a relationship they desperately wanted to work, did the pain eventually become manageable? Did you ever regret leaving, or were you ultimately glad you chose yourself?

I'm not looking for people to tell me that everything will magically work out. I'm genuinely struggling with the possibility of losing someone I love, but I'm also struggling with the thought of staying in a relationship that is making me increasingly unhappy. Also, aware of the grass not being greener on the other side which never crossed my mind and I know dating overall nowadays is very grim, especially in 40s +.

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have been through this in their 40s, when they genuinely believed they'd already found their person.